(rock music playing)
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ Ain't nobody
♪ Loves me better
♪ Makes me happy
♪ Makes me feel this way
* Ain't nobody * Nobody love me
♪ Better than you...
(harmonizing)
(whooping)
Girl, you were on fire.
I love me some Chaka Khan.
I love her hair.
You love everybody's hair.
Come on, let's bust it out again.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Sorry, guys, gotta run. Got a hot date tonight.
OWEN: Ooh. Ah.
Patty's got a date. Nice.
Whatever.
All right, spill it.
With who?
You may know him: Roger, the UPS guy?
Roger? How long has this been going on?
A couple of months.
Ooh, I fell for him the first time
I laid eyes on that big brown man
in that big brown truck
and those little brown shorts.
Actually, Rita,
you were responsible for me and Roger meeting.
Really? I was?
How?
Well, if you hadn't ordered that fruit dehydrator,
we would've never met.
So, I brought you guys together, huh?
Well, I do have a knack for matchmaking.
The should call me "The Lovemaker."
That came out wrong.
You know who brought me and Hallie together?
Principal Hollis.
The second we met in detention,
we were all over each other like... Okay, okay.
Kip, Kip, Kip.
If you're gonna be in the band, stories
about you and my daughter all over each other...
yeah, no.
And what you two have is cute, but you're kids.
What me and Roger have is verging on the serious.
Hold up.
We're not kids.
What we have is, like, totally mature
and, like, awesome.
I thank God I got someone who loves me
no matter how much I screw up.
But as soon as she learns to talk,
she'll be judging me just like her mother.
Oh, I am going to be late.
Walk me to my truck so you can get your mail.
You're not even bringing it to the mailbox anymore?
Honey, I have a date, and I'm in a hurry.
You want to be Cupid or you want your electric bill?
You done drumming with the enemy?
Hal... Mm-hmm?
Our love's forever, right?
Mm-hmm.
Well, maybe we should take it to the next level.
What... what do you mean?
Hallie...
would you consider... I... I mean...
You want to get our names tattooed on each other?
Kip... I do.
You do? Yeah!
(giggling)
Captioning sponsored by RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC
Okay, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
I made coffee.
Tell me about our d...
your date.
Go.
So, when I'm delivering the mail
and it's pouring outside, no invite?
Oh, but as soon as you want to dish,
there's hot coffee and...
ooh, are these cream filled?
Yeah, but not till later... later, later.
So, you and Roger last night...
what'd you wear, how long did you wear it?
A to-die-for backless number.
And it stayed on all night.
Stayed on all night?
That's not what I planned on.
I... I mean, for you.
Well, me, either.
But after dinner, Roger didn't even want dessert.
Or dessert.
Well, why?
What did he say?
Nothing... I'm a single mom, I know all the signs.
A guy gets scared off by a woman with baggage.
Doesn't he know what a catch you are?
Right?
You know, after the divorce, I didn't date much,
but now that my son's in high school,
I'm just ready for the real thing.
Well, did you tell Roger how much you like him?
Are you crazy?
Why don't I just slap some sneakers on the man
and fire the starting gun?
Ladies.
Hey. Hey.
Oh, man, pastries?
90 minutes of racquetball,
and now I'm back to even. You don't have to eat...
(muffled): Yes, I do.
Well, I gotta run.
(muffled): It was nice to see you, Jay.
(muffled): Yeah, it was good seeing you, too.
What were you guys up to?
Well, she met this guy, you know, kind of because of me,
but now they've hit this rough patch,
so I figured if I could just get him...
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
No, Rita.
Every time we go down this matchmaking road,
it ends up in an emotional pileup.
That is not true.
What about Dan and Nancy?
Separated.
Uh, Robyn and Paul?
Divorced.
Michael and Joanne?
Divorced and restraining order.
Well, I just get them down the aisle.
After that, they're on their own.
I just... Patty likes this guy so much.
If I could just get him over here
and I can talk to him... Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
You know how you guys are.
Sometimes men just need a little...
push in the right direction.
(snickers)
What?
Well, I mean, don't you think
you're generalizing a little bit?
I'm a guy, I never needed pushing.
(snickers)
Okay, what?
Remember when we were living together in college
and I went to New York and I called you
saying I got a scholarship at NYU,
I wanted to move there? Mm-hmm, so?
I was calling from the 7-Eleven around the corner.
That's... no, because I...
I heard the woman from NYU.
I heard the message on... on our machine.
You mean a...
(British accent): Mrs. Tellington from the admissions office?
Oh, my God!
I thought you were moving.
That's why I proposed!
Push...
Mom, can you sign this permission slip for me?
It's just some lame field trip.
Right there.
Your hair looks really pretty today.
Thank you.
Mom, "over my dead body" is not a signature.
And getting a tattoo is not a field trip.
How did you know?
"Your hair looks pretty today"?
Come on, you barely notice I have a head.
It's just a little, tiny tattoo.
So not a big deal.
Honey, maybe if you'd been honest with me
instead of trying to trick me, I'd consider it.
Okay, fine, can I get a tattoo?
Okay, well, now that you're finally telling me the truth,
the answer is... hell, no!
Honey, we've discussed this, okay?
No tattoos, no piercings.
Until you're 18, I own your skin.
Well, you certainly know how to get under it.
(knocking on door)
Hi.
Hey, Mrs. Clemens, got that delivery for you.
What... oh, this.
I forgot all about this.
You ordered it yesterday and had it overnighted.
And it shows you were tracking it online all morning.
So it does, so it...
And here we are, so...
And here's where you sign.
Ooh, uh, uh, one second... Roger.
I'm just gonna get the brownies out of the pan.
You wouldn't by any chance
be the Roger that Patty's been talking about?
Sure am, and you must be the Rita
that she rocks out with. Sure am.
Please sign.
Here, have a brownie.
Matches your outfit.
Uh, no, you know, I really have to go.
So, where were we?
Oh, yeah, Patty-- isn't she just terrific?
Yep, just next to the "X."
Funny story about the brownies.
Patty gave me the recipe.
Actually, that's not funny, but Patty is.
She's a riot.
Can be serious, too.
I once saw her save a dog's life.
Yeah, I'm kind of on a schedule.
Yeah, she's... she's got it all.
She's a beautiful woman.
She's an amazing singer.
She's just the best mom.
She is the whole package.
I'll just sign.
Thanks for the brownie and for the talk.
It really helped clear things up.
Oh, well,
I do what I can.
(sighs)
Oh, here.
These are perfect for your school toy drive.
Mom, no.
I love these little guys.
All right, honey, you can keep these
if you bring down all the toys
you don't play with anymore,
so that other kids can enjoy them.
Okay, I'll look, but I'm not gonna find anything
I want to give to some kid I've never met.
I've been looking for this.
(grunting)
I'm married, who cares?
Hey, you.
Anything new in the postal world?
Or with "Ro-ger"?
He dumped me.
What?
Somehow he found out I had a son.
He didn't know?
Well, I just don't understand how come
you didn't tell him you had a kid.
I wanted to tell Roger on my own time.
Now I just look like a liar.
When I find out who blabbed...
when I find out who blabbed,
ooh, I'm going off on them big time!
No, no, no, don't... don't go off big time.
Just... you know, just...
whoever told him probably, you know,
was well intentioned and... and, you know,
can't defend themselves 'cause maybe they haven't
been to the gym in a long, long time.
I bet it was that nosy Mrs. J. Altman
from the cul-de-sac.
Ooh, why can't people just mind their own business?
Especially people whose husbands
order a lot of man-sized lingerie.
Mm-hmm, he sure does.
Patty, Patty, since you don't know for sure
who told Roger, maybe you should just...
you know, just let it go.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I know it was her.
She talks to Roger all the time.
I think she orders stuff that she doesn't need
just to get him over there.
Now, what kind of crazy person
would do something like that?
A psycho, that's who.
I'm going over there.
She messed with my life, so I'm gonna
mess with hers. No, no, Patty.
Patty, wait, you can't go, please. Get off of my cart.
This is government property.
Listen... listen, I have...
I have something to tell you, and I just...
I want you to keep in mind
that I have a frail bone structure.
I'm the one who told Roger you had a kid.
You?! I'm sorry, you...
I just assumed you had told him.
I'm so sorry, Patty.
You said you wanted the real thing,
and I just wanted to help you get it.
Well, guess what?
You didn't.
Patty...
(band playing rock melody)
♪ Ain't nobody
♪ Loves me better
♪ Makes me happy
♪ Makes me feel this way
♪ Ain't nobody
That's my line. * Knows me better
You're not even... * Than you...
♪ Ooh, ooh
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh.
I cannot do this.
You are giving me nothing.
It's just so sad.
No one's here.
I think we just got served.
I just miss Patty.
Probably not as much as she misses Roger.
(both laughing)
Return serve.
RITA: All right, guys, you know, let's just call it.
I'm not feeling it today.
Oh, fine with me.
Hallie and I got plans anyway. Later, dudes.
Bye, Kip.
Great. I cleared two hours to have some fun,
and all I get is another woman in my life
who's not in the mood.
Hey, Pat, it's Reet.
I was just wondering if you got my message... is.
And, uh... uh, I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry, you know.
Again.
So you can call me. (drill whirring)
Anytime. I'm-I'm here.
Okay, it's...
It's Rita.
Uh, Clemens.
She's still not answering?
No. I feel horrible, Jay.
I'm responsible for them breaking up.
Oh, I have to do something.
No. No, you don't.
Look, I know you think you're this genius matchmaker,
but the only two things
you've matched so far are pain and misery.
You know, aside from us.
But then again, that wasn't so much matchmaking
as it was manipulation.
Get over it.
I can't put the kids back in.
They're too big.
Look, you-you want my advice.
Let Patty cool off, everything will be fine.
Yeah. You're right.
You're right.
I'm going over to her place right now.
Why are men even given the ability
to form words?
Okay, here's a doll.
The dog chewed the head off.
They can have it.
Well, that's weird and thoughtful.
If I get rid of some more stuff, can I get a big girl present?
I don't know. Maybe. What do you want?
A tattoo like Hallie's getting.
Uh, sorry, but Hallie's not getting a tattoo.
Uh-huh. I heard her and Kip talking.
They just went to Ferndale to get them.
Okay. All right, that's it.
We'll drop Shannon off at your cousin's.
Okay. Sweetie, grab your shoes, grab your jacket,
and do not turn out like your sister.
I don't see her.
Check the back. Hallie?
Whoa, lady, where do you think you're going?
To get my daughter.
Is she a 300-pound trucker
getting "sweet stuff" tattooed on her butt?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, no, no.
Make it go away.
Listen, uh, we're looking for our daughter.
She's, uh, pretty, dark hair, and her boyfriend...
pretty, dark hair.
The dude's in the back. Chick's up next.
She's in the crapper.
It's a classy place.
Hallie?! All right...
You are in so much trouble!
Not only did you forge my signature,
but you came down here after I said no,
and you used the bathroom?
What were you thinking?
We're beyond upset with you,
and there's no way you're getting a tattoo.
Okay.
Don't you dare challenge us, Hallie Eleanor Clemens.
We said no!
I know. I'm not getting one.
What?
Well, this is no fun at all.
Then what are you doing here?
Well, Kip and I wanted
to get our names tattooed on each other
because we're forever.
(muffled laugh)
Anyway, while I was waiting,
I saw this old US magazine with Angelina and Billy Bob,
and I started thinking about Angelina and Brad,
and Brad and Jen, and Jen and John,
and John and Jessica,
and Jessica and that football player...
Okay, okay, okay, where are you going with this one?
Well, they all thought they were forever.
If celebrities don't know, then how do I?
I mean, how did you guys know it was forever?
Well, I mean... we didn't.
Yeah, like, you know,
getting your name branded on each other
isn't gonna guarantee anything
except a possible infection.
Hey, why the hate?
Honey, you never know if it's gonna last.
It's just, one day, you meet someone,
and you just... you like spending time with them
more than anyone else.
Hands.
And, you know, if you're lucky, those days turn into months,
and then years, and here we are.
Almost 20 years later,
and we can look at each other and
not be sick of looking at each other.
KIP: Thanks, bro.
I promised Kip I would do it.
What am I gonna tell him?
I'll take care of it.
(clears throat)
I don't care how you feel about him, young lady.
You are not getting a tattoo!
But, Mom!
Don't "but, Mom" your mother.
As long as you're living under our roof,
you'll live by our rules.
Do you see what you're doing
to this family?
You're tearing us apart!
Dial it back, DeNiro.
I'm so sorry, Kip.
I really want to do this for you,
but my parents don't know anything about love.
I'm glad you said that,
'cause I kind of passed out
before he was done.
That is so sweet.
Romantic.
All right, come on, Hallie, let's go.
You're grounded. Fine.
Grounded. Nice touch.
No, that was real.
You're actually grounded.
What?!
Well, that's good.
I really believe you're mad.
It'll heal.
Aah!
(whining): Patty?
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
(knocking continues)
Rita, what are you doing here?
Can I-I please just have a minute to explain myself?
(sighs)
Look, Patty, I-I know you're mad at me,
you know, and I'm really, really sorry,
but I was just trying to help.
You just... you seemed so sad
when your backless dress didn't come off, you know?
And I was sad, too, you know.
I'd imagined it sitting on the floor
next to those little brown shorts, and...
Well, anyway, that's why I talked to Roger.
I just thought, you deserve
to have something special in your life.
Oh, my God!
Is that a gold medal?
No. It's a bronze.
I threw discus.
As you can see, it brought me fame and fortune. Go on.
That is so cool.
Can I try it on?
No. Right, right, no. Girl, you're right.
Look, Rita, I appreciate
you coming down here to apologize, so if we're done,
I'll see you at band practice.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, great!
Not a hugger, huh? No.
Okay, well, thank you for hearing me out,
and-and, gosh, for representing our country,
'cause...
Oh, hey, Mrs. Clemens.
Roger.
Hi.
Hey, Patty,
Roger's here.
Yeah.
Um, Roger, uh, this will just take a minute.
If you could just...
One second. Just shut the door.
Well, for someone who dumped you,
he seems awfully naked and in your apartment.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
He called this morning.
Apparently, some busybody told him
he'd be a fool to let an amazing woman,
who was the whole package, get away.
(whispers): That was me.
(whispers): Really?
I was the busybody.
Well, wait, wait.
If you guys are getting along so well,
why are you giving me such a hard time here?
Because, Rita, I just don't want you
to think that my life is open for you to fix.
You got lucky this time,
but this really could have blown up in your face.
You're right. You're right.
I mean, I went too far.
I just... I got excited, you know?
All my other friends are, like, mommy friends.
You know, we talk about carpools and head lice.
You're like this cool, new, unexpected surprise in my life.
(laughs)
You're a surprise, too.
Sometimes in a good way.
That's what I bring to the party.
(laughing)
You know, since the divorce, I kind of toughened up.
I don't really let a lot of people in.
Not that anybody's busting down a door,
but you would think after winning a bronze medal...
But, no, it's all about silver and gold, silver and gold!
Yeah.
We good?
Yeah. We're great.
Oh! Still...
BOTH: Not a hugger.
Right.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org