EMILIA: Thank you, Jack.
I would've finished dressing in my bedroom, but I couldn't quite reach.
Yeah, well, at least you have a bedroom.
You know, I'm tired of sleeping in this lab like an old pooch.
Speaking of which, help me with my leash, will you?
Yes, well, perhaps if you stop acting like a dog, I might consider remodeling.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means, I heard you and your tavern maid
chase each other around the living room last night.
Yeah? Well, if I had my own room, you wouldn't have heard a thing.
Besides, she's just a friend. Ha!
No, that's true. I have a rule.
Never bring a date home. It keeps the fatal attractions down to a minimum.
Well, I suppose you're not all to blame.
Any woman foolhardy enough to share a bed with you can't be entirely balanced.
Depends which position we're in.
(ALARM TOOTING)
Ah, it's ready.
Hey, you dry-cleaned my cape. That's swell.
Hold it up, would you? I may have missed a spot.
(SIGHS)
Hey! Since when are you packing heat?
Just this once, for my little demonstration.
I've coated your cape with a malleable titanium solution.
What, so now I'm bulletproof?
Oh, in a manner of speaking.
It can only handle so much wear and tear,
but it should come in handy in emergencies.
Now come along, the Governor has a surprise planned for us tonight.
Yeah, I'll be right with you. I just gotta change my shorts.
CROQUE: Emilia! Jacques!
How kind to accept my invitation at such short notice.
Oh, it's our pleasure, Governor.
It's been so long since we had a visit,
I was beginning to think we'd fallen out of favor.
Oh, nonsense, madame!
Your absence has merely made the heart grow fonder.
Gee, Brogard, if I knew you were supplying the cheese tonight,
I would have brought wine.
NAPOLEON: Allow me.
Madame Rothschild, Monsieur Stiles,
you remember my brother,
le supreme empereur de France, Napoleon Bonaparte.
Emperor, as always, it is an honor.
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, slap me some skin, Nappy.
What brings you to Palau-Palau, Your Highness?
I need a screw!
(COURTIERS SNICKERING)
Please, asseyez-vous.
(SIGHS)
We have invited you here to sample the very first bottle of wine
from the Bonaparte family vineyard.
It shall be called "The Grapes of Wrath: The Essence of Napoleon."
Say, I didn't know you were brewing your own juice on the island.
The vineyards have been kept secret,
to keep the competition from acts of viticultural espionage.
We were hoping that a woman of your exquisite taste, Emilia,
could give us a fair review of our cabernet.
Oh! It would be my pleasure.
To our gracious guinea pigs, Emilia, Jack.
Jacques and Emilia.
JACK: (CHUCKLES) Well, down the hatch.
Morning, Jack.
What's shaking, Em?
(BOTH GASPING)
(TITTERS)
Coffee?
(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won
And Uncle Sam's favorite son
Had a job he needed done
Which brought Jack to a lady
Both beautiful and smart
Who found his mix intriguing
A scoundrel with a heart!
From the Halls of Montezuma
To the shores of Tripoli
There was never a leatherneck braver
A daring dragoon is he!
He'll halt the bold advance
Of Napoleon's attack
There ain't a French or pirate rogue
Who don't know Jack!
From the Halls of Montezuma
To the shores of Tripoli
Sailin' 'round the bloody world
To defend democracy
And when ya need a fightin' man
To trust or watch your back
Just ask the bloke right next to ya
Damn right!
It's Jack!
I'm in the nude.
And you're in the nude.
And we were both in bed in the nude!
Yeah, I noticed.
Not that I was trying to notice, you understand?
It's just that it's kind of noticeable.
I can't believe this is happening.
I don't even remember what happened last night.
Let's see, we were... We were at the Governor's mansion...
Yeah. Napoleon was there.
Wait a minute. He asked us to sample some of his new wine.
That must be it! We became inebriated,
came home intoxicated, and mistakenly fornicated!
We didn't even date.
Oh, God.
I wish I were dead.
Hey, I'm starting to take this personally.
How bad could I have been? Jack!
You promise me you will not share our indiscretion with another soul.
A-Okay by me.
Business as usual. Just friends.
Strictly platonic.
Oh, God!
Something else just occurred to me.
If we were fool enough to...
You know, then imagine what we did in front of the Emperor!
Oh, that's a good point.
For all we know we were dirty dancing to the French anthem.
We must find Napoleon at once
and make sure we didn't embarrass ourselves.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get dressed.
So turn away.
Jack!
Oh, my Lord, our clothes!
We couldn't even wait to get inside!
Boy, you really must've attacked me.
Don't you even start with me, Jack!
(GRUNTING)
(JACK LAUGHS)
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
(CROWD LAUGHING)
Oh, my life is over.
Okay, now I'm officially embarrassed.
(GRUNTING)
Well, brother, it seems you have found a most intriguing way
to crush the grapes.
Wait till you see how I handle the melons.
I hope we're not intruding, Emperor,
but your staff informed us that you'd be here at the vineyard
and we wanted to thank you for
(SCREAMING) A wonderful evening.
Sure was, wasn't it?
I was just telling my brother that we would love to see more of you,
but, then again, there's not much more to see.
(NAPOLEON SNICKERING)
Emilia, I always knew that Jacques was a naughty little monkey.
I had no idea that you were so inclined.
Emperor, Governor, we throw ourselves at your mercy.
Whatever happened last night will never happen again.
We meant no disrespect.
Yeah, yeah, what she said.
You mean, you don't remember anything?
Oh, it's a thick fog up there, Leon. A thick, dense fog.
Excellent. I mean, no need to worry. Right, Croque?
A little of what you fancy does you no harm.
Everyone gets a little tipsy now and again.
I assure you,
you are still held in the highest regards by the French Empire.
(NAPOLEON SNICKERING)
Look, all in all, I'd say there's no harm done.
No harm done? We've become fodder for bathroom scrawl
and we can't even remember why.
Well, look at the bright side,
at least we'll go down in history.
Oh, going down for getting down
isn't exactly my idea of an epitaph.
Well, for once, I'm not the only dog in the doghouse.
Although I'm hardly blameless in this matter, Jack,
I'm quite sure that it was you who took advantage of the situation.
JACK: Hold on there, sister, how do you know you weren't barking up my tree?
Because I'm not the type to go out on a limb, especially yours.
Emilia, for Pete's sake,
how hard is it to admit that you've got human impulses just like everybody else?
Well, it's easy for you to say, Jack.
You prance around the streets and men think,
"Oh, look, there goes the stud."
I walk around, they think, "Open all night."
I think you're being too hard on yourself.
Look, we're not the first people who wound up bumping cheeks
just because we threw back one too many.
You know, come to think of it,
we were the only ones drinking last night.
I don't recall Napoleon sampling the wine.
It's the same with Croque and Brogard.
Maybe there's something screwy with that hooch.
I think we should go and find out.
JACK: Oh, I sure hate these harvest festivals.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(CROWD CHEERING)
All right. The Empereur wants you to crush the entire vat,
and I do not expect him to be disappointed.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Empereur, the rest of the season's harvest
will be crushed on schedule.
Excellent. You finally did something right, little brother.
I live only to hear your words of praise, brother.
Don't let it go to your head.
Quite a remarkable demonstration of the wine's effects
you gave us last night, Empereur.
Yeah, I kick ass, don't I?
The hypnotic formula which we injected into the grapes
had a most revealing effect on our test subjects.
Emilia and Monsieur Stiles obeyed our every command.
And so will every world leader,
after each one receives a free bottle
as a gesture of France's goodwill.
At this time next month, I'll be using the White House as a summer home.
(LAUGHING)
That evil genius!
JACK: Using us as guinea pigs
to test out his zombie juice.
Seeing you is like looking at the sun.
NAPOLEON: I told you to stop doing that. You'll go blind!
Now he's gonna get the whole world tipsy and take advantage of it.
That is a big problem, Jack.
On the other hand...
We're not truly responsible for our night of indiscretion.
Which means you owe me an apology.
What on earth for?
You've blamed me for this whole shebang, so to speak.
I'm sorry, Jack. Not as sorry as I am.
I just found out we shared a night of guilt-free pickle tickling
and I don't even remember.
(CHATTERING)
We must stop Napoleon from shipping off that wine.
But where could he be keeping the barrels?
Hey. I think I know a way to loosen a few tongues.
(DOOR CLOSING)
(GROANING)
(GROANING IN EXASPERATION)
(SCREAMING)
Well, you're quite the trianglist, Governor.
(CAT HOWLING) After a year of lessons, I should hope so.
Governor, we just stopped by to reciprocate your generous hospitality.
Oh. Indeedy-do.
Payback Time. I do not know this wine.
Oh, it's very rare. You'll love it. Hold on to this, toots.
(MECHANICALLY) I will obey.
Governor, sit.
Yes, madame.
Where is the Emperor?
At the storage barn on the northernmost tip of the island,
overseeing the export of his wine
with which we plan to take over the world.
Ha! I'll be damned. This stuff really works.
Okay. We got one more question for you.
What exactly did you tell us to do last night?
It began with the toast. We wanted to find out if...
To our gracious guinea pigs, Emilia, Jack.
CROQUE: Hear, hear.
(CHUCKLES) Well, down the hatch.
(MECHANICALLY) I will obey.
(LAUGHS)
It worked!
Emilia?
I will obey.
They're under my control.
Brother, are you quite certain they will remember nothing of this?
Who cares? They're peasants.
I do hope the Daring Dragoon does not get wind of our sinister ruse.
I hope he does. I have a special surprise in store for him.
Empereur, perhaps we should test the limits of our guests' suggestibility.
Quite right! Jack, stand up and run into that wall until I tell you to stop.
Sure thing, Nappy.
(NAPOLEON CHUCKLES)
Emilia, stand on the table and dance for me.
(JACK GROANING)
(GROANS)
(COURTIERS LAUGHING)
Enough. I hate mimes.
Now, run through the streets and take off all your clothes and go straight to bed.
I really am quite good at what I do.
And that is what happened.
And that's all you instructed of us?
You mean, we didn't play, "Yank my doodle, it's a dandy"?
Once you drink the wine, you only do what you are told to do.
Well, then that means...
We're still just friends!
Well, come on, Jack. We've got some wine to sabotage.
Goodbye.
One more thing.
(CHUCKLES)
Fabulous.
Faster! I want every barrel shipped out of here by dusk.
Come on, vite!
(JACK GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMS)
Sorry to drop in uninvited,
but I'm here to stop the wining.
Oh, Lord, why can't you leave me alone?
You stay off my island, I just might.
Your island? Ha! Soon the whole world will be mine.
Not as long as my cape's flowing, buster.
Captain, offer our guest an appetizer
while I prepare the main course.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS) Come on.
(WHOOPS)
If it isn't the Daring Dragoon.
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
(SWORDS CLANKING)
Mythical folk hero of the peasant.
I have missed our little tete-a-tetes.
Right there with you, Brogie. Huh?
Nothing like a good pair of tetes.
Oh, you wanna play rough, eh?
(GROANS)
(JACK LAUGHS)
Yo! Dragoon!
Look what I picked up at the last world's fair.
(CHUCKLES)
(EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Phew. You can run, but you can't hide.
(GUN FIRING)
Yeah, baby!
(LAUGHING)
Jack, I've only punctured a handful of barrels. I need more time.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Sorry, sister, but that gun toting insaniac's got us pinned down.
With everything that's happened, I almost forgot your cape.
It will protect you and the bullets will puncture every barrel in the room!
That might've been fine and dandy for that little pop gun of yours,
but Leon here is sitting on the edge of the grand cannon.
Okay. I'm gonna count to trois.
Have I ever let you down before, Jack?
Oh, all right.
Un,
But if something happens to me, I just want you to know,
last night was the best night I never had.
Deux,
Well, I hate to admit it, Jack, but...
trois!
Okay, let's do it!
(JACK GRUNTING)
Come on, you piece of crap.
(JACK LAUGHS)
Have a nice flight.
(NAPOLEON SCREAMING)
(WINE SPLASHING)
(SLURPING)
(BURPS)
BOTH: (MECHANICALLY) I will obey.
(HUMMING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Well, as the old saying goes,
what goes around, comes around.
Yes. Quite. The effect should wear off by nightfall.
Hey, what's to keep them from brewing more of that hypnotic hooch, anyway?
Oh, not to worry, no self-respecting wine connoisseur
would drink a bottle aged less than five years. Yeah?
Plenty of time for a rematch.
Hey, it was quite a close call, huh?
Yes. Indeed.
I mean, it's probably best that we didn't actually...
Oh, I can only imagine how it would've changed things between us.
Of course, if we did actually,
accidentally, without meaning to, it might've been quite...
Yeah?
Terrible. Yeah. God-awful.
Well, anyway, I knew all along that nothing happened between us.
How, pray tell?
Emilia, do you really think I'd forget a night with you?
What do you mean?
Well, you know what they say about you intellectual librarian types, don't you?
No, what do they say?
If you don't know by now I'm not gonna tell you. No, no, no, Jack.
You come and tell me right now!
Oh, no. My lips are sealed, baby! Not on your life.
(SINGING)