XAVIER: It is scribbled in the stars...
my infinite oath to help...
[echoing] Help.
You hear that?
Sounds like a weak feebling's sad yowl for help...
[echoing] Help.
It's coming from over there.
Oh, no.
These meager victim-cicles need the heat of my release.
My chance to French-touch a woman.
[Slurps]
[Gasps] Don't panic!
I'll save you!
[Gags]
What the hell are you doing?
I rescued you from icy demise!
All your life are belong to me.
We aren't supposed to be thawed till science can cure us.
We all have terminal diseases.
Ew!
If you can't stand the body heat,
then stay out of the freezer of fate.
You can't refreeze meat.
We've only got hours to live.
Then I'll make ye live a thousand lifetimes
in your final moments.
That's the spirit!
You've ruined everything!
You jive turkeys wouldn't know gratitude
if it broke into this room and caused your death.
Not saying "thank you" is "de-frosting" on "de-cake."
Now I'll never get to meet my great-great-granddaughter
and fall in love, you sicko!
XAVIER: You know, it takes fewer muscles
to say "thank you" than it does to die.
ALL: Freak! Freak! Freak!
I pledge to devote my every atom
to serving ice-cold vengeance.
XAVIER: [Whimpering]
Young one, if I told you
it's time for you to follow your lifequest
away from me forever,
would you leave for good?
Of course!
Congratulations.
This will help you wipe away all suffering.
I pledge to devote my every atom
to serving ice-hot justice.
That's it! I give up!
I sacrificed everything, even your lives,
for you people, and what do I get?
I never wanted to be an outsider.
[Echoing] I'm going normal!
No going back now.
I'll just fit in, take on a normal life,
meet a nice job, hold down a well-paying family!
Goodbye forever, old self.
Okay, you look normal.
Now just act normal.
Clutch the dark purple hairs
of the galloping orangutan of normalicy
and ride, nigga, ride!
I'm ready. Interview away.
Well, your résumé is pretty persuasive.
How do you feel about the corporate culture in general?
Normal... my feelings on that are
just normal and typical,
because I'm what you people call a normal.
Huh, impressive.
You got a fresh approach to being normal.
You think outside the box.
What box?!
Man of action. Let me guess.
You were a linebacker in college like me.
I think we got our boy to replace...
Meet the new Ryan. It's his first day.
Good to know you, new Ry.
Me and the guys were just cracking wise about freaks.
What's your opinion on the subject?
Oh, I feel exactly how you feel about it.
Ooh, looks like someone's gunning for your job, Peterson.
A new big dick just swung into town.
Yeah?
Let's see how he hangs in the big meeting.
We're up poop creek in a turd canoe
with a dookie paddle that's got feces smeared
on the part where you put your hand.
[Laughter] Shut up!
Our main factory is spewing illegal amounts of pollution.
Should we pay to upgrade or move the plant overseas?
New Ryan, you've been awfully quiet.
Well, that's 'cause I'm so normal.
Yeah, when I see freaks, I just want to shoot 'em
and dump 'em in a filthy ditch.
I like it.
We just hook chutes up to our smokestacks and dump it off,
ditch our filth in China.
Outsource our pollution, jobs stay here.
I bet we can even charge the chings for the sludge.
They'll make something out of it.
Good work, New Ryan, but we've got a new problem.
The theft of office supplies is making us hemorrhage money.
We lost $3.8 million in stolen staplers this month alone!
What do we do?
I'm just a normal.
No strange secrets hidden beneath my facade, okay?
He's right.
We need to see beneath.
You're saying we should replace our florescent bulbs
with x-ray bulbs,
and we'll find the sticky-fingered culprits
in a jim-jam-jif.
[Gunshots]
[Clicking]
Our home-appliance division is on the verge of bankruptcy.
Work your magic! What do you got?
I keep trying to tell you I'm just a normal.
Quit singling me out like a freak.
I think I get what he's saying.
He means we just got to take wild leaps
in interpreting his mundane statements,
then come up with our own ideas.
Like, um...
putting pheromones on our appliances?
Brilliant, New Ryan.
Yes, if we extract the same glandular excretions
that stimulate affection in our designer-fragrance division
and apply it to our appliances,
our products will be irresistible...
smell-bliminal scent-vertising.
Thanks for turning this place around, new Ryan.
You've thunked me!
So, who you headed home to... wife, kids?
A pepperbird came and took away all I care about.
Single, huh?
That's abnormal.
Abnormal?
No!
Old Ryan left a wife and two kids behind.
She's lonely, too.
You should meet her.
I'll set it up.
Hi. These are lovely.
Listen, before we go out to dinner,
I think it's time little Tara and I had the talk.
Her body is going through some confusing changes.
But her name is Cindy.
I don't think tha...
Cindy looks up to me so much.
Sweetie, I know this is a scary time.
Have you noticed blood in your panties?
[Crying]
Don't worry.
Your panties will be bloody soon enough.
Our little one's got the big d-jealousy.
This is all happening so fast and so inaccurately.
I don't think it's too much to ask
to have dinner ready for me
when I get home from work.
But I thought we were going out.
Well, I suppose I could make a pot roast.
I think you'll find that Wednesday is meatloaf night.
So, where should we go for vacation this year...
the regular thing or something more normal?
I don't know.
This is all so sudden.
I haven't even had time to grieve for Ryan.
Don't worry.
You can grieve tonight... in bed.
Yep, had the old lady pretty wet last night.
Up to her cankles in tears.
[Laughter]
Okay, for some reason,
we got a huge surplus of cheap ching chong hot dogs.
We'd make a killing if we could sell these ching dogs.
I know! Let's do something normal.
Come on, Peterson.
That's old paradigm.
It was new Ryan's idea.
He said he had a solution that would blow you away.
Oh, yeah?
Come on, golden boy.
What do you know about moving hot dogs?
I know I was moving my hot dog
in and out of Peterson's wife's buns last night.
My wife is dead.
I never said it was consensual.
Don't worry. I used "condiments."
She enjoyed it with "relish."
Her mouth passed "mustard."
I could hardly "ketchup" to her vagina!
I stayed up all night doing research.
Every year, Americans eat enough hot dogs
to go to the moon and back.
And...
[scoffs] Prove it.
Wait. Peterson, shut up!
New Ryan, say that again.
Peterson, shut up.
It's brilliant! We'll prove it.
We'll make a hot-dog chain to the moon.
It'll be the greatest marketing stunt of all time.
You did it again, new Ryan.
Pack your bags, Peterson.
[Doorbell rings]
Me home!
I brought you hot dogs from work!
- Yay! - Yay!
Honey, we need to talk.
I didn't know you had a thing for blondes.
What?! No!
Peterson must be behind this.
Those photos are doctored!
Doctored?
What kind of medical procedure is this?
Open-heart tea bag?
Well I regret opening my heart to your tea bag of lies.
I want you out!
Let me at least say goodbye to the kids.
You'll never talk to the kids again!
You should know I faked all the impotence.
I could've consummated the marriage,
and I still intend to.
Sleep tight tonight.
Please take me back.
I have nowhere to go.
Say, bub, you looking for an apartment?
Don't bother. It's a women's-only building.
Well... [clears throat]
[High-pitched voice] Well, it's the only place available
in the city, so we'll take it.
Welcome!
And tonight a bunch of us girls are getting together.
Turns out the local Men's Only Club Club doesn't allow women,
so we're all gonna infiltrate undercover...
see what they're hiding.
On behalf of the Men's Only Club Club,
I'd like to welcome our new members.
Hey.
Tonight, in our commitment
to understand and honor all points of view,
we're going to disguise ourselves like overweight black women
to expand our perspective and give dignity to all heritages.
Give me some lemonade.
[Indistinct talking]
XAVIER: Get me some toe pie!
Excuse me, girlfriends.
Say, sugar child, you look like y'all had a bad day.
I lost my job, and my wife is dead, and I just...
Honey, big Jawanamamafire...
she gonna make it all okay.
[Slurps]
That was amazing.
I think we actually made cheese.
Well, guess what. That wasn't cheese!
You're gay now.
You're totally not normal.
This never would have happened if wasn't for New Ry-Ry.
That reminds me, I'm late for work.
Good thing I have my makeup case.
XAVIER: Sorry I'm late, everybody.
This black lady made me eat a bunch of cheese.
New Ryan, get in my office to... hey, you look ripped.
No, I just lost 300 pounds... my virginity.
I want to talk to you about this plan you dropped off.
I love it!
Devil Dogmier's the best mascot a hot-dog company could ask for.
It's bizarre. It's memorable.
And I love that you volunteered to wear the costume yourself.
But how did you know that... who could have...
put on the costume and get out there for the linking.
No. It seems abnormal.
I might get called a freak.
There's a whole crowd of kids waiting.
I could get Peterson to take the glory.
I'll do it, but only to see my kids again.
[Cheers and applause]
Introducing the hottiest doggiest mascot of all time,
Devil Dogmier!
Kids, it's new new daddy, kids!
Remember?
You know what to do with Devil Dogmier, kids.
Punch him and call him "freak"!
ALL: Freak! Freak! Freak!
XAVIER: Who is this shadowy figure
shoving my old sad fate into my new face?
I told you I'd commit every atom to my vengeance.
Peterson, you no longer wield power over me
if I accept myself.
People, I'm not really a freak!
You see, I am...
he's a big hot white man!
No. He's a fat black woman!
No, honey child!
He's a woman pretending to be a man!
No.
He's a man pretending to be a woman!
No.
He's a man! He's a man!
No. I am a woman!
Ooh.
He's a freak! He's a freak!
No, I'm your freak.
I shall never again be untrue to myself again,
as I've learned...
Hey, they're linking the hot-dog chain to the moon!
Much like a chain of hot dogs links to the Earth,
I reconnect my vow to help all in need.
They linked it!
Oh!
It made the Earth stop rotating around the sun!
We can no longer rely on the sun's life-sustaining heat!
It may not be what you normals call
"normal" or "cool"...
now ice is creeping down the hot-dog chain!
The cruel tide of frost is upon us!
I'll be vigilant in my fiery pursuit
of awareness of all imbruing trouble.
I will notice calamity and take drastic action,
even in times when it would be delightfully ironic or coincidental
to not take any action at all!
Oh, no!
It's the opposite of global warming... moonular freezing!
Well, everything's perfectly preserved.
Science will find a cure for this in 1,000 years.
I'll be needing that back.
Oh, a pepperbird!
[Sneezes]
Oh, maybe give it 2,000 years.
Your television just shattered!