The thing'll be in Box 236 at the Golden Eagle vault for 48 hours.
You go in, hand the man the key,
accept the item, deliver it to Chicago.
Lay low for the next two days.
Stay out of the casinos.
This is real simple. Don't complicate it.
Oh, yeah? You wanna see El Blanco?
Why don't you go see him yourself.
You won't be disappointed. Neither will I.
Phony cowboy.
- I'm on to that action. - Frank.
I got to see it up close. That's the rule. Out of the ground.
You'll be so close you'll have worm spit
all over your shirt, all right?
I got something to tell you.
It's Max.
I got some bad news.
Max had the key on him.
Nightmare again?
Yeah. Big giant worm, man.
The key's still inside him.
What are you saying?
I'm saying El Blanco has a slow metabolism.
It takes months for the thing to do a damn dump.
I got it, I got it.
But, Dolores, listen to me.
You don't want to go rushing in on this thing.
I've seen the giant worm in action.
It damn near killed me.
You don't think just because I wasn't in the middle of that damn desert
that I didn't suffer, too?
El Blanco ate my Max.
Damn, I loved that man.
Best damn partner I ever had.
I know! And since fate brought us together,
we're gonna get revenge for him.
Dolores, no way.
Oh, yes, Frank, way.
We're gonna kill the big worm, gut him,
and grab the key to our dreams.
Kill it how?
Even a freaking harpoon gun didn't work.
- I got that covered. - No, you don't.
- Oh, yes, I do. - No, you don't.
I got us a secret weapon.
Secret weapon?
What kind of secret weapon you got?
Look, babe.
The only question you need to ask is how many other couples
can lay their hands on $20 million in unmarked bearer bonds.
Dolores, listen to me.
Let's pretend to be idiots, right?
Say I do get the key.
I still got to walk into the Golden Eagle,
use the key, open the box with the bonds in it.
You think the outfit won't be watching?
Frank, how many more months
are you gonna stay in this hole?
My therapist says confront your fears,
become a proactive facilitator.
Yeah, but that guy don't got a bounty on his head.
But that guy doesn't have me. And you do.
Aren't I worth the risk? Mmm?
Yeah.
Think about it.
We get the money, get the hell out of Vegas,
and we're off to Aruba.
You got your white sand beaches,
tropical breezes,
and a very naughty me 24/7.
It's them. It's them!
Frank, cool it.
What, are you expecting company?
As a matter of fact, yeah.
Say hello to our secret weapon.
Uncle Helmut!
Dear sweet Dorrie.
Oh, that's just Frank. Come on in.
Frank, say hello to our Uncle Helmut.
Uncle who?
You don't look like no secret weapon to me.
There's that displaced hostility again.
And Uncle Helmut doesn't deserve it.
He'd be famous now if the Defense Department hadn't screwed him over.
- Wouldn't you? - Idiots.
They rejected Uncle Helmut's sound-wave gun.
For a pathetically cheap and demonstrably inferior copycat version.
Sorry, pal, I never did hear of any sound-wave gun.
Now you've not only heard of it,
you've seen it.
Ta-da!
- Give me. - Hold it.
He's cool.
Give me a second.
It fires an 800-decibel beam of sound
with the power of a bazooka.
The only one who hears it is the poor devil
getting hit with 80 times the human threshold of pain.
For the worm, I turbocharged it.
Forget about him, Krausie.
As soon as we get the key,
it's you and me off to the Caymans.
Frank!
The freaking thing really works!
Yeah, so glad it has your seal of approval.
Now all we need to make our score
is the big seismo-monitor.
Are you thinking radioactive Gila monsters?
Are you thinking giant ants? I know I am.
Welcome, sci-fi fans, and thank you for joining us here at sffannumberone. Com,
where we take you to Perfection Valley, Nevada.
I'm your host, Larry Norvel.
Join me, why don't you,
as we get to know every inch of this valley
as well as my partners Burt and Tyler do.
Cool!
Old barn, middle of nowhere.
Got to check it out.
I'm gonna put the creep factor at about 7.5.
What do you think, SF fans? Vote now.
Wow.
Scary.
Remind you of the place where the farmer got eaten
in The Creature Walks Among Us?
I think it does.
Cameo by Willard.
Awesome.
Okay. All right.
Oh, my God. My God.
There's a...
No, no.
Okay, here we go.
Being a glider and not a true flier...
I can't take this guy anymore.
What is all this junk?
Jodi, I've got this idea,
and I don't want you to laugh at me, all right?
And the idea is?
A take-apart Graboid doll.
You open him up and there are his insides.
It could be very educational.
Yeah, I like that.
We could actually tap into a whole new market.
That's what I was thinking.
Thank you for the jumper cables, Jodi.
And I figured for the vital organs,
you know, I could just cast them in plaster,
but here's another idea. The kids will love this one.
I could use candy.
Gum drops, mint. I don't know.
And I was thinking, for the large intestines...
Red licorice. Nancy, I like the way you think.
Learn Graboid anatomy and then eat the intestines!
Am I missing something? Please tell me I am.
Guys, guys. You will not believe what happened
at the old Jessup place.
I don't care what happened.
I am sick of you leaving all your junk all over my store.
Right. Okay. Yeah, super. Okay, whatever.
So, I'm out there, right? In the barn, you know?
And this rat goes running across the floor.
And then all of a sudden,
I get attacked by this thing!
- The rat? - No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Something completely different.
An owl? A bat? They live in places like that.
I don't know, I don't know, but it hit me right here,
and I still didn't see it.
Whatever it was, it knocked me out flat.
But I might have captured it on this.
Jodi, can I hook this up to your monitor?
No! Because the last time, you screwed it all up.
Well...
You do have a goose egg, Larry.
That's nasty.
Well, I guess I'll go find Tyler
and have him help me analyze this,
and then we'll go off and we will deal with this thing!
Not so fast, Larry!
Larry, Larry. Tyler is working on my truck.
That means "do not disturb." Got it?
Great. Where's Burt?
He's not here.
He's doing that commando weekend thing in Montana.
So you're just gonna have to wait.
Okay, fine, I made my first major discovery
and I have to wait.
But you don't act this way when you discover a cloud of deadly bacteria,
or you discover acid-spitting plants, or, um...
That's right, that's right, we don't.
I'm a man alone.
Like Kevin McCarthy in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Original version.
Larry, listen to me.
You're going to have to learn to relax.
If there's really something out...
- If? - I said relax!
I'm sorry. I just... I get a little carried away.
How about Nancy's laptop?
Leave my laptop alone, Larry!
Hi, there. I'm looking for the Graboid tour.
Uh, I don't think there is one.
He's very busy.
Well, I better go talk to him.
Okay.
- Is there a problem? - I'm not sure.
Well, let me know when you decide.
Thank you.
You know her?
From somewhere.
Somewhere bad.
Excuse me.
I can see you're a little busy, but...
Never too busy for the public.
After all, wouldn't be anything without you.
- I'm Tyler. - I'm Dolores. Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry. Let me get that for you.
Thank you.
Is there any chance of a Graboid tour today?
Well, I'm afraid I got to finish this tune-up,
but you're sure welcome to come back tomorrow if you'd like.
Oh, no, no, no. See, I'll be back in Poughkeepsie by then.
And I can't stay another day away from my kindergarten class.
You really miss them, huh?
No.
Actually, it's my brother.
What? He's in kindergarten?
No.
He died.
It was a slow, painful death.
I'm sorry.
I just thought I had my emotions under control by now.
Uh, that's okay.
Let me get you a glass of water or something.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine.
Thanks.
It's just he had this wish list, my brother,
of things he always wanted to do,
and one of them was seeing a Graboid.
And on his last day here with us,
right there on his death bed, I promised him...
I promised him that I...
That you'd see a Graboid for him?
Exactly.
And I'm willing to make it worth your while, too.
Well, hey, lady, I mean, if it's that important to you,
- the jeep's right over here. - Thank you.
Does he need a warning label on her?
Sir, you are so lucky.
Just in time for the Graboid tour.
I am?
Usually, you need a reservation months ahead.
Uh, no, what I need is some water. Please.
- Tyler, right? - Yeah. Dolores?
- Mmm-hmm. - Help you up here.
Ooh, and a gentleman, too.
- With those nice eyes. - Thank you.
Hey, Tyler. Got you another customer.
Go on, sir. Come on. Hop up.
Here you go. You know what?
I think I'm coming along this time. Excuse me.
You know, this is a great tour. You're gonna love it.
Come on, let's go.
He's blind, he's sterile, he's deadly.
And El Blanco can strike anywhere at any time.
But how does he know where you're at?
Super-sensitive hearing.
You make too much noise while he's in the neighborhood,
chances are he'll turn you into a main course.
Well, we're making noise now, aren't we?
Why doesn't he attack us?
Well, he might.
That's why we got this seismo-monitor.
Lets us know if he's prowling around.
Got an even bigger one back at the store.
You can take a look at it when we get back.
It'll show you the whole valley,
exactly where El Blanco is at any given moment.
So if he gets too close...
We add you to the body count.
That's so scary. You know, I was wondering.
Where does it all go?
Beg your pardon?
What happens to what El Blanco eats?
What happens to what anybody eats?
Personally, I don't think I'd label him an "anybody."
Is it true that Graboids actually got 120 feet of intestines?
I never, uh... I heard that somewhere.
I never actually measured it.
But that would imply that, you know,
it takes a long time to, mmm, right?
For lunch to go in one end and out the other?
Yes.
Yeah, a few months. Why do you ask?
My brother, he always wondered.
Rest his soul.
Okay.
If you look over here to the right,
you'll see the old Jessup place.
It's been abandoned for years.
And now comes the rat. Here it comes.
Here it comes!
It grabs the rat!
What is that?
Have to get a monitor.
Hey, what are you doing?
What am I doing?
Whatever I damn well please.
Yeah, ask me again what I'm doing.
I don't want to.
Yeah.
Whatever you do, don't move.
I hate when he does that.
Move. Now.
You said don't move.
Well, now I'm saying move.
Come on, come on. Come on, go, go.
Move, come on. Let's get...
Uh, but I'll freeze.
Yeah? You prefer your other options?
Get in there.
Okay, that's it. Get out of here.
Move over there. Get out of here!
Out of my sight.
Larry, what are you doing in there?
If I tell you, can I use your laptop?
No, no, no, no, I'll break.
Uncle Helmut, look what I got for you.
Aw!
Yeah.
You look very sexy in this vest.
I wish you bought all my clothes.
Soon, Krausie, soon.
We're too out in the open here.
I got people looking for me.
Yeah, patience.
Yeah, and now that we have the Graboid monitor,
when the moment's right, I just flip this switch,
and ready, steady, go.
Ow! Uncle Helmut, my hero.
And now that we know where it is,
how exactly are we gonna catch it?
Just keep your hat on, Helmut. I got it all figured out.
Watch.
A little music. You know? To soothe the...
Savage beast.
Yeah, whatever.
Who's your hero now, honey?
Here it comes. Here it comes.
What, Larry?
The thing! Guys, come here. Take a look at this.
So it looks like a bat, right?
But mostly, it's like a hummingbird,
or something that beats its wings so fast you can barely see it.
So it's a bird that's a bat that looks invisible. But it's not!
But you can't tell, 'cause you can't see it.
I've discovered Invisibat.
Sorry I'm late. Bent the damn axle on my jeep
going over a prairie dog hole.
So, nothing was stolen besides the seismo-monitor?
No.
I'm telling you, this guy was good.
He knew exactly what he wanted.
He even knew about El Blanco.
What do you mean?
Well, when El Blanco swung by for his late-night drive-through,
this guy acted as if he'd seen it before.
What did he look like?
Tough guy.
But with mean eyes. Killer eyes.
Like he'd won a staring contest with the devil.
His pupils were burning fire!
- Faster... - Okay, okay, enough with the eyes!
What else?
Well, he was like a million guys.
What kind of a million guys?
I... He looked like a million kind of short guys.
In track suits, with Jersey accents.
Short guy in a velour track suit?
Yep.
With a Jersey accent?
You want to give Rosalita a call? Tell her I'm borrowing her truck.
If we keep moving north a few miles, we'll intercept it.
More like ram right into us
and get turned into a snack food.
Put your thinking cap on, Helmut.
We got to get our asses off the ground
and find out how to lure that big worm into us.
Turn right over here.
No, it's much better if we keep to the road.
How many giant worms have you fought?
Yeah, that's right.
Keep going.
Who says you're going?
The owner of this truck says I'm going.
Besides, I'm good at finding bad guys.
Yeah, they gravitate to you, huh?
Just kidding. Let's do it.
Okay, I'm figuring it's that Frank guy. Remember him?
What? I thought El Blanco dragged that little pig off.
Well, maybe he didn't drag him off far enough.
Okay, he's gonna be by in a few minutes.
Let's rock and roll.
Oh, no, no. I shoot the gun. You do the CD player.
No, the gun is my invention.
- I shoot the gun. - No! No.
Boys! Krause, let Frank shoot the gun.
Yeah. See? Yeah.
You get dragged three miles in the desert behind the sand whale,
then we'll talk.
All right? I got a score to settle with that thing.
Let it go, honey.
You and I both know it doesn't matter who shoots the gun.
When do we get rid of him, Dorrie?
Soon, Krausie, soon.
Come on, come on. Want me? You want some of this?
Come on. I don't think so. You talking to me?
Come on. Dolores, come on!
All right, we're coming. Give me a hand, Frank.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Don't lose your head, Helmut!
That worm's not getting his tentacles around Sinatra.
Come on, now. Pick something else.
It's sacred. That's Frankie.
Uh, this okay?
Smokey? Smokey Robinson? I don't know. I mean...
Damn it, Frank. I'll buy you a new one, all right?
All right, fine, fine. Let's just do it.
I'm past it, I'm over it, all right?
All right, load it up. Great. There we go.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, that's my girl.
That's right. He jams.
Oh, all right, all right, all right, let's rock.
I can work with that.
Yeah. All right, shut up.
I have had a bad feeling ever since that low-rent puta
was playing you like a puppy in heat.
Who, Dolores?
Oh, what, that's her name?
Please, give me a break.
Come on, she's one of those women, flirty, plays games.
Believe me, I can see them coming a mile away.
What, you got a problem with her?
I don't have a problem. I have a pair of eyes, okay?
She's trouble.
I guarantee she had something to do
with that seismo getting stolen.
You think she's hooked up with Frank?
I remember her from somewhere in Vegas.
They probably crawled out of the same dumpster.
I think you're reaching.
Looks like El Blanco's on the move.
Let's see what he's after.
Ah, here comes our key.
Okay, get it closer. Aim it at the ground.
Come on, get closer. Come on.
A little closer. Come on.
This is quite precarious, Dorrie.
Would you just do it? Come on. We're gonna lose him.
Come on. Sit down. Sit.
- Here. - Okay.
Now, give it to me.
Okay, you got it.
What? What?
What...
- Dorrie! - Sorry, Krausie.
I always like to fish with live bait.
Now, there's a nice rock over there.
- Get to swimming. - Dorrie!
Move it! Move it! Move!
What'd you do that for, huh?
Shoot the worm! Shoot the worm!
Shoot it now!
That can't be good.
What can't?
He's not moving.
There's a new twist.
What's the matter with you?
Huh? What's the matter with you?
If there's a plan, you should let your partner in on it,
like killing one of our accomplices.
That should be a team decision.
He'd outworn his welcome.
That was pretty cold. That's all I'm saying.
Look, look, look, Frankie, baby.
This has always been about you and me.
- Yeah? - And think about it.
- Yeah. - Twenty million
splits two ways better than three.
Now, let's go gut that worm while the gutting's good.
All right.
You get to gut it after I kill it.
Hey, forget that. Forget it, forget it.
I don't care how knocked out that thing is.
I'm not getting near it.
What? You've already shot him.
- He's completely harmless by now. - You don't know that!
You don't know it like I know him.
All right. You want me to go with you?
Yeah! I'd like you to go with me.
I'll go with you. Can we go?
- Let's go. - Let's go.
- Come on, babe. - All right.
Come on, Frank.
- Be careful. - Okay.
Make sure that sucker's dead.
You got him, baby. You got him good!
Watch out. Make sure. Yeah.
Careful. Yeah.
All right.
All right, all right. All right.
Frank, look, why don't you be a man?
Be a man. Cut the worm for me. Come on.
Okay. Thank you.
It's them! They found me! Come on!
Jodi. Come in. Tyler here.
Get on the horn to Twitchell, pronto.
See? I told you.
Okay, it's not them.
Exactly. Just the local yokels.
Why don't we just finish them off and get on with this?
No, let's just wait till they go for help.
All right?
What are they doing now, huh?
Same as the last 15 times you asked.
Not going for help.
So weird being close to him like this.
Don't! Don't!
You know something? This is not the time for a biology class, okay?
They could be watching us right now.
Why'd they be so interested in hurting El Blanco?
Money. Revenge.
Both.
That's it. They're not leaving.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Little trigger-happy today, babe?
Let's just keep the body count low, okay?
Fine. Use your sound gun on them.
When they wake up, we'll be in Aruba.
Listen, I got a better idea, all right?
Instead of Krausing them two, we just grab them.
That's right. Listen. We grab them, we take them,
the truck, the worm, the whole shebang.
We clear out of here, go someplace quiet.
Let them do the dirty work.
Anybody hassles us, we got hostages. We got leverage.
That's what I'm talking about here.
Listen to me.
I'm the brains of this operation, not you.
Listen to me.
Damn it! What kind of cops are those?
What's up with the siren, Twitch?
You're in the middle of the desert.
Just always wanted to use it, all right?
This is Dr. Towne. Best large animal vet in the business. USDA.
It's a Graboid, not a side of beef.
Has he ever worked with a Graboid before?
Yeah, he's a veterinological expert.
Easy, big fellow.
No visible wounds.
The breathing's irregular.
Could be a stroke.
A stroke?
Or a concussion. I can't be certain.
I don't have the proper equipment.
We need to get this animal somewhere where I can do a scan.
You can't do it here?
No, I need electricity for the equipment,
and I need a controlled environment.
Do you think it's safe to move him?
Yeah, he ought to be all right.
I'm talking about us.
If we move fast, yes.
Okay, well, if we can get him to town, you can use my garage.
Well, how we gonna get him to town?
Well, we'll have to haul him.
It's a Graboid, not a side of beef.
They're Feds. Don't you get it?
We don't touch them. Not even with the sound gun.
They're worse than those freaks
who treat their dogs like children.
We should've shot them first thing.
No, no, no, they're making it easy for us.
They're packing him up like he's Chinese takeout.
Giant egg rolls.
That's my favorite.
Come on, babe.
You guys are ready to roll. We'll get his equipment set up
and meet you back in town.
Let's get this worm on the road.
Remember me? Huh? Come on. Let's go.
Get over here. Get over here. You get...
You are good at finding the bad guys.
Who asked you to talk? Huh?
Where the hell's my worm, huh?
Where the hell is my worm?
What are they doing? Giving it freaking mouth-to-mouth?
Killing me here!
Rosalita? Tyler? Yeah, Twitchell here.
Over!
Rosalita! Tyler!
Twitchell here! Come in, come in! Please, are you there?
Damn it! Are you there? Copy! Copy!
That fricking worm, I'm gonna...
Hello!
Is anybody out there? I need some help here! Hello, hello, hello, hello!
Okay, we got to pull off somewhere
in case that thing wakes up.
How about those trees over there?
No, I got a better idea.
We need to keep going, Frankie.
Dolores, in the future...
In the future?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
What?
We got to learn to communicate better. That's all I'm saying.
We communicate, Frankie.
You talk, I listen. I listen, you talk.
Well, we got to learn to be a little more open with each other.
You know what I mean?
But we are open.
That's what's so special about us.
You see? That tone of voice,
that's kind of how you talked to Uncle Helmut over there.
- Oh, come on, Frankie. - Yeah, that's right.
You don't think that...
- What am I supposed to think? - Oh, Frank!
Huh?
Frankie, where would I be without you?
Huh? Nowhere, that's where.
You think that's easy on a woman?
Frankie, I would never jeopardize this.
Never. Okay?
You sure?
Mmm-hmm, yeah.
Okay, okay, okay. That's what I thought. I just...
So, in the future...
In the future, we communicate.
- Right. - Mmm-hmm.
When it comes to whacking those two,
we talk about it, discuss who's gonna do what,
where we're gonna dump them. So there's no surprises.
- No surprises. - All right.
Me and you...
- Right here. - Right there.
All right. All right.
You know how special you are? Huh, boo?
Tell me. Tell me it again.
You special, boo.
Yeah, I need to hear that more often.
Hey, take a right! There!
Just go down that road.
That's the old place the guy talked about on the tour.
Dolores, you sure there's nobody gonna be there?
Yeah, it's abandoned.
You sure about that?
Make sure, 'cause you know how you are.
Ah!
Come on, Frank! There you go.
Very good.
Perfect.
All right.
All right, let's go, Frank!
I need a hand with Mulder and Scully.
Let's move it, sister.
Let's go. Come on, sister.
You'll wish I was your sister.
Get down. Get your ass over there.
Ow.
Get up.
Get down!
And another thing.
Take that.
Okay.
Hop along, Cassidy.
Here we go. Come on. Come on.
Move slow. Got you covered, cowboy.
Come on, help me with this tarp. Come on.
What do y'all want with El Blanco, anyway?
Shut up. Don't ruin my mood, 'cause I'm thinking
things have worked out real good. Really. I'm serious.
You, you got a weird relationship with this worm.
Me, I hate his freaking guts.
And speaking of guts, I got something for you. Yeah.
Don't try anything funny. Take it.
Just remember one thing,
this is a lot faster than that.
All right? Now go ahead. Start cutting.
Are we doing this, Frank?
- We're doing it. - Let's do it, then.
- I said, we're gonna do it! - All right!
Jeez! Unless you want us doing it all over you,
just stand your ass back.
- This won't do. - How's that?
It won't cut. His hide's too tough.
And how do we know that? Have we done that before?
Huh? Huh?
I know 'cause I'm not stupid. How's that, huh?
Oh, be funny with me, huh?
He's got to be funny with me. Huh?
That's a bright thing to do with a guy with my temperament,
holding a pump shotgun.
Now, come on. Come on. Should put some lead in your ass. Yeah.
All right, look, the Graboid's hide is...
It's tougher than a rhino's.
Oh, really?
That's an interesting fact that I'll be discussing
at my next dinner party I attend.
Now, would you cut him open? Now!
Otherwise, I'll have your friend do it back there.
Tyler! Start that damn chain saw!
Get this over with. My hands are going numb.
You habla ingles now, huh?
Go ahead! Open him up!
I want to see what he looks like under the hood.
Come on! Come on, country. The longer this takes,
the uglier it's gonna get.
Now, come on, open him up!
If it's ugly, you're already there!
Come on!
All right, now, how do you want it?
You want it crosswise, or...
I don't care how you do it!
Just open the son of a bitch up. Come on!
Uh-uh, hillbilly.
Let him go or you'll be sucking wind through your forehead.
What are you, a head injury? There's a freaking worm!
- Let him go! - Drop the gun first.
Ha! Please.
You'll be standing there for the rest of your life.
- Let him go! - I think I want to hang on to him.
Huh? When you shoot me, you'll get your little boy toy, too.
- Tell him, Frank. - What?
I don't do Mexican standoffs.
Twenty million one way is a lot better than two.
Dolores! You... You gold-digger bitch!
You better believe it. Bye-bye, Frankie!
What the hell?
Let him go, Tyler. Can't get far out there.
Larry, you're gonna have to explain...
Why I'm up here? Absolutely, bro.
But first, do you think I could take that phaser home with me?
Hey!
Come on, come on, come on!
Whoo! All right! Hey, thanks a lot. Thank you.
Talk about luck, huh? Whoo!
Hey, you going to Vegas?
Afraid not, Frank.
You got business in Chicago.
Okay, take it easy, take it easy.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Well, hold... Hold on a sec.
Twitch wants to know where we'd like these guys to release El Blanco.
Baltimore.
Funny. Listen, Twitch...
Here you go, for your bruised ribs.
Oh, thank you.
Ow. That wench.
Check this out.
This is where I knew her from.
Same bracelet?
- Same guy. - Same wrong guy.
Same way-wrong guy.
Ow!
Where is he, anyway?
One quarter. Two quarter.
Some sort of...
Yoo-Hoo bottle top. That's very rare.
Metal button.
Some sort of key. Could be from a vault!