- Hey, what's up, Hickey? - Calvin.
- What are you bidding on? - I got a couple of neat items here.
I got Charles Barkley's retainer,
and I got Thunder Dan Majerle's wristband.
- Awesome. - Not a bad start, huh?
- Yeah, those will look great on the wall. - Morning, guys.
- What's up? - Hickey.
- Need something to do? - I'm doing it.
Okay, we really don't need any more sports memorabilia.
I'm just doing what I'm asked.
- What the hell's that? - Drink specials.
What's a fart sandwich?
Vodka, sweet vermouth, and two tootsie rolls.
Yeah. Okay, no. Take it off.
Well, Bruce told me to put it up, so...
Calvin, anytime my brother tells you to do something,
run it by me first.
You know, Ken, when you guys do stuff like this,
one of you tells me to do one thing,
I get confused, and it kind of affects me.
- Are you crying? - No.
- Hey, what do you think of this? Yeah. - Fart sandwich?
It's awesome. We got so wasted on them last night.
Oh, yeah? What, you guys, you got together last night?
Yeah, we had, like, this after-party where we all just got way drunk,
and, God, Bruce was on fire.
Yeah, I actually... I got together with some of my friends too.
We were at this... Threw the football around.
Everybody just, you know, howling at the moon.
And everyone's like, "Hey! Look out!
The party machine is tearing loose."
I'm like, "Hey, guys, come on. I'm the party machine?"
- Morning, everyone. Hi. - Morning.
Bruce and I just happened to run into each other in the parking lot.
Just had a very nice walk over her.
- So thank you very much for that. - Thank you.
And I know this outfit looks a lot like the one I wore yesterday,
but it's actually completely different if you take a closer look.
Thank you.
- See you in a minute. - Okay.
Ken.
- Bruce. - Hickey.
- Bruce. - How are ya?
- So, fart sandwich? - It's awesome.
Yeah. Next time you have an idea, run it by me, please,
so you don't waste our employees' time.
- I want it off the board. - You're right, Ken. We're partners.
I shouldn't make decisions without getting your blessing.
- I'm gonna take this off. - Thank you.
- That's very mature of you. - No problem. We're a team.
I'm not running my own show here. We work together.
Hey, Bruce, I got that thing that you wanted.
- Oh, great. - Front window?
Hey, wait, hold on. What is it?
PLAYERS HOME OF THE FART SANDWICH
God damn it!
~ www.SubCentral.de ~ presents
~ Players S01E02 ~ Grand Re-Opening
~ Sync ~ extreme
~ Transcript ~ addic7ed.com
So in the future, if someone vomits,
don't just put up the "Caution: Floor wet" sign.
- Clean it up. Agreed? - All right, we're done.
All right, no, now we're on to the fun part of the meeting.
I had a dream last night, and I got inspired.
We're gonna have a grand opening.
We had a grand opening.
No, that wasn't a grand opening.
Players is officially open.
Next round's on players, boys. Drink up.
- Who are these people? - Our first customers.
- We're not open yet. - Just relax, Ken.
They wanted to get a beer, and I said, "Okay, come on in."
Hey, wait a minute. I know you.
You're the guy I shooed away from the dumpster this morning.
Hey, that is Homeless Mike. He is our first regular customer.
Show some respect.
So, since that went terribly, we're gonna do it right this time.
We're gonna reintroduce ourselves to the world.
No offense, Ken, it just seems a little odd
to open something that's already been opened.
Yeah, I think you just want to have a party. We can have a party.
We could shut down for three weeks and tell people that the health department closed us.
- Why would we do that? - So they wouldn't make fun of us
for opening something that's open.
Okay, fine, we'll call it a grand reopening.
Okay, but if we have a grand reopening, we still need to have something new to promote.
Guess what? We do.
I have come up with a new Players employees rules and regulations manual.
I want everybody to commit these to memory.
We are gonna raise our standards up to soup ranch level.
We're gonna let people know that you can depend
on a consistent dining and drinking experience at this establishment.
You broke down greetings into drink greetings,
food order greetings, check-in greetings,
- and exit greetings? - It's great, huh?
"Did you catch the game last night? "Speaking of which,
how about a dessert as good as last night's game?"
It's funny. I think that one's... I love that one.
I think you're confusing clever with funny, Ken.
"The game clock's running down...here's your check."
Do you want us to time people as they eat?
No, it's just a joke. They're meant to be light-hearted.
Most of them incorporate a sports theme.
And they're just a way to seem, like, you know, offhand and fun.
- What's a food quarterback? - That's a waiter.
Well, Ken, thank you for doing this.
But I don't think people are gonna come to our grand reopening to hear new greetings.
I think what we need is some celebrities.
Love celebrities.
- No, like who? - I'll get Charles Barkley here.
- I know a guy who plays golf with him. - Oh, my God!
And I know Shaq's bookie. Give me a pen.
I'm gonna write this down so I don't forget.
And we can get Michael Phelps.
- I know you love Michael Phelps. - Oh, I love him!
Having sex with him would be like sleeping with a fish.
- Nancy Kerrigan. - Nancy Kerrigan, of course.
I would really appreciate it.
We're just having a big grand reopening, and we're big fans of his.
- All right, bye. - Did you get someone?
That was Shaquille O'Neal's pool cleaner.
Fingers crossed he's gonna be there for the grand opening.
- We're really gonna do this, aren't we? - I know. It's gonna be good.
Your celebrities, my rules and regulations...
Home run!
We might want to just lay off the rules and regs till after the grand reopening.
I mean, just to make it fun, like, not such a, you know, corporate-franchise feel.
You know, I might be a little more fun if I got invited to your little get-togethers.
- Yeah, Krista told me about that. - That was spontaneous, honestly.
We didn't plan anything. Weust started hanging out.
I'd like to be at those things. I like all those guys that work for us.
Next time we get together, I'll bring you with, okay?
- Okay. - Just promise to loosen up. Okay?
- Yeah, no, I love to have fun. - Do you?
Well, how come you didn't like the fart sandwich? That's...
That's actually hilarious, that idea.
- Come on, you got to know that's distasteful. - It's for people with a sense of humor.
You want to know what really bothered me the most, though?
You didn't run it by me. When I was working at soup ranch...
Shut the *** up about soup ranch, please. We don't work there.
You know, sometimes I wish I did, because when I used to follow the 14 tenets...
- Mother *** soup ranch. - Don't you say, "Mother *** soup ranch."
Soup ranch did for me what the marines do for some people. It straightened out my head.
- None of your ideas are helping the business. - All my ideas help the business.
The boxing wall is a disaster. All people do is graffiti there.
That's because it's by the phone.
People are taking messages. That's not malevolent.
You know, not all of your ideas are great either.
- Like what? - Like having Calvin live in our office.
- He's sleeping. - Look, all I'm asking
is that, when you have an idea, run it by me first,
- especially if it involves money. - Okay.
Hey. Got it.
Autographed Jackie Robinson econ textbook.
- Only 1,100 bucks. - What?
No, God damn it! Take it back.
- It's a bargain. - Don't be racist.
Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier.
I'm not being racist. It has nothing to do with sports. It's a waste of money.
I'll frame it.
Well, I'm gonna go back to work on making our grand reopening awesome.
Great. I'm gonna read out loud to you some of my rules and regulations.
"Bacteria can grow in food.
- They're found everywhere..." - Hi, Boris Becker, please.
"and can grow when food workers..."
Hi, can I get you guys something to drink?
I'm sorry. I think what she meant to say is,
she knows that you're thirsty for sports,
but would you like something physically to drink before ordering?
Please work on your greetings.
I know that you guys are thirsty for sports,
but is there something physically that I can...
You guys are probably physical with each other.
It's hard when you first become physical
to then pretend that you're not.
- Out of nowhere, it's... - Hey. Excuse me for a sec.
You need to chill out about what happened with Bruce last night.
What do you mean what's happening with Bruce?
Come on. You guys had a one-night stand. It's cool.
Do you know how many one-night stands I have in a month?
Sometimes I do two in a night.
I don't think that's something to be proud of.
What? It means guys think I'm pretty.
Listen. This morning when Bruce and I were walking in,
- he said last night was awesome. - No. Stop.
You cannot get emotionally involved in this.
You have got to separate this from this, okay?
Just... you got to go dead inside.
- Dead inside. - Yeah. We'll try it out.
We'll go out tonight. We'll meet a couple of guys. We'll have them feel you up.
And if you feel nothing, that means it's working.
Is there another way to test it?
Barb?
- Hi. - You got a second?
Dead inside.
- Dead inside. - Good.
- Hello. - You okay?
- Your mouth okay? - Yes.
Okay, would you mind checking out the guys' bathroom?
Somebody said there's a truckload of mess in there.
Absolutely.
Yeah, there's a bucket and gloves in the office.
What are you doing?
Just putting up the Jackie Robinson college econ textbook.
No, come on, I told you to return that. It has nothing to do with sports.
I suppose black athletes can't get college educations.
- Is that what you want to say? - Of course they can.
- It just has no place in a sports bar. - Hey, Ken. Two black people just walked in.
- You want me to get rid of 'em? - No, of course not. Why?
Well, Bruce said that you're a racist. And I didn't want it to get violent.
Ken, don't go over there. Ken.
- Hi. - Hi.
My name's Ken. I'm one of the owners. Would you mind if I sat down for a moment?
Sure.
There's a rumor going around the bar that I'm a racist.
I just want to let you know nothing could be further from the truth.
I don't judge anybody by the color of their skin or their ethnicity.
You know, I didn't have any black friends growing up,
but I mean, no one where I lived did, because it was...
You know, it was a very... a white neighborhood.
I don't think my parents chose it for that reason,
but, for instance, though, they were very insistent that my brother and I watch Roots.
"Kinta Kunte"... what a powerful black character.
Full disclosure, in case you look into this,
you would see that I have not dated any black women.
But that has nothing to do with preference. It has to do with proximity, availability.
For instance, I find you very attractive.
I'm not as attracted to you. Not because you're black, I mean...
I can say that because I look at you as two women.
You know, I would like to get in here more than I...
At the end of the day, a man will do almost with anybody.
If I was drunk, I could easily...
Hey, man, thanks for doing that. I would have felt real weird.
Plus, I'd probably cry if I got hit in the face.
- Finished cleaning up the bathroom. - Thanks.
I never want to do that again, by the way. It's disgusting. It looks like someone died in there.
- I know. It's summertime. - Can I talk to you for a second, actually?
Sure.
What's wrong?
I guess I'm just really shocked
that all day you've been treating me like an employee.
Barb, you are an employee.
I know, but I thought that something kind of special happened between us last night.
Yeah, but I think we got to be cool at work, you know?
- Be cool. - Yeah, be cool around each other.
Okay.
I guess, I don't know, I'm confused, because
I don't know how you can be cool about what we shared last night.
Is this about the bathroom?
I cleaned up someone's diarrhea today.
Look, I'm sorry, but you're low man on the totem pole.
Krista's been here longer.
Calvin just makes it dirtier when he cleans it up,
and Jorge handles food. And I know for a fact he never washes his hands.
Barb, I can't give you preferential treatment just 'cause I care for you, okay?
Hey. It was special.
But it doesn't mean people are gonna stop *** in our bathroom.
- Does it? - No, you're right.
- You're right about that. - You guys want to get shitfaced?
- Yeah. - Yeah. I'll be there in a second.
I have human *** on my clothes. So I guess I got to clean that up.
- You guys are sitting on my bed. - Sorry, Calvin.
Wilt Chamberlain says he had 20,000 women in his lifetime.
- I believe that. - No way.
- Who wants a shot? - I do.
- All right, let's do this. - Ken is gonna be joining us tonight.
I know, I know. He's trying to be fun, and I said I would invite him.
Who likes to party? I like to party. Who likes to party? I like to party.
- Look who's kicking up his heels tonight. - Hey, guys. How's it going?
- Sit down, party-party. - Okay.
- Pull up a chair, then. - All right.
- You guys up for a little truth or dare? - Yeah, let's do it.
- Now, Krista, truth or dare? - Truth.
Who is the most famous person you've fooled around with?
Oh, God, that's a good one.
- If that makes you uncomfortable, you don't... - No, I'm cool with it.
- Okay, it's a three-way tie... - Oh, God!
- I gave a hand job to Pete Rose. - Oh, my God!
I got finger-blasted by Meadowlark Lemon.
- The clown prince of basketball? - Yeah, it was after a Globetrotters game.
- It was awesome. - Wait a second.
What is the difference between finger-blasting and finger-banging?
- Thrust and intent. - And last but not least,
I got taken from behind by the Phoenix Suns gorilla.
- Mask still on. - No. No way.
Now I know why you like Gorillas in the mist.
Did he stick his banana in your ***?
That's gross.
It's okay. Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
- Did he stick his banana Inside your... - No, I know.
Somebody else go. Do a shot, Ken.
- It might help you... - Do a shot, please.
I got... I got one.
- Okay. - I got one.
Okay, Bruce, truth or dare?
- Dare. - Okay.
All right, I dare you to kiss Barb on the mouth.
Come on, Calvin.
Remember, dead inside. Dead inside.
I'll do it. I'll do anything once.
- Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. - Okay, okay, Ken.
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
What? I was just having fun.
You smell like alka-seltzer and mayo.
God, you want to have fun?
- Yeah, yeah. - You want to have some fun?
All right, truth or dare?
- Dare. - All right, I dare you
to tell me why you're always sexually harassing me.
- What are you talking about? - You never look at my boobs.
It's like you're working to avoid it. I feel like you're so obsessed with my boobs
that you're trying not to look at them.
- Well, I do try not to look at them. - Exactly.
I feel like I could rip 'em out
and put your face between 'em, and you would just try and look anywhere but them.
- It's like you can't... - No, I wouldn't. I'd go crazy on them.
I'd be licking them and sucking them and...
All right, I'm out of here.
- Your brother's a pig. - Sorry.
- What... I'm just saying. - He didn't mean anything by it, Krista.
- If you put them out... - Yeah, I'm fine.
You have nice breasts. It's just that you're my employee.
What did you want me to do? You said they were in my face.
I do think she has nice breasts.
I thought you were gonna be fun tonight, Ken.
I was being fun.
So the purpose of this mock service is just to bring us up to speed on the new protocols
that we'll be using tonight during the grand reopening.
Oh, by the way, Michael Jordan is coming to the grand reopening.
- Shut up. - No way.
Hey, way to go. Okay.
So, I thought I'd begin with...
some drink greetings, because that's the way we always introduce ourselves to a customer.
So, I'm the waiter, you're the customers. Watch and learn.
Hi, my name is Ken. I'll be your food quarterback tonight.
But before that, can I pass you some drinks?
I'd like some mushy peas and a black and tan, please.
- What are you doing? - I'm from England. Came here with me family.
Okay, don't do that. Just be a normal person.
- I'm his uncle Trevor. - Where's me gold?
I'm gonna go kill a prostitute in an alley.
Ain't no such thing as being cool about a one-night stand.
Okay, you know what? So much fun.
But let's just stay on task.
So I'm asking you what drinks you want,
so what you want to do is respond as to what drink you want, okay?
All right. Let's go again. Here I come.
Hi, my name's Ken. I'll be your food quarterback, but first can I pass you some drinks?
Right, came over on the mayflower... Oh, I'm choking!
I'm choking on me mushy peas!
How can you be choking? You haven't eaten any food yet.
I had an ice cube in me water, and I'm choking on that.
- Hey. It's on us. - Thank you.
Hey, Bruce, look, I know everyone thinks I was kidding around before, but
I was angry when I choked you, and that was wrong.
I'm sorry.
Okay, I forgive you.
Just try to loosen up a little bit, Ken, okay?
I will. I promise. For the rest of the night, it's gonna be all fun.
- Good. How about a beer? - You know what? Yeah.
- That a boy. - Hey, so how'd it go with the celebrities?
Really good. Unfortunately, that's not the real Michael Jordan over there,
but that lady there in the mobility scooter?
- Yeah? - That's miss 20,000.
Who's that?
The last woman to sleep with Wilt Chamberlain.
It's going well. Drink up, buddy. Ken's drinking!
Wilt got on his knees, put his hands behind his back,
and dribbled the basketball with his penis.
- Nice. - I ain't lying.
- Bruce, I got it. - Yes!
- What is it? - T-shirt cannon
from the heisler beer distributor.
- What are you gonna do with that? - Shoot t-shirts.
What? No. No, no, no, no, no, you can't do that in the bar.
It's meant for stadiums. That's dangerous.
Ken, what did we just talk about?
This a grand reopening. We can have fun. It's our place.
- Don't be a wet blanket. - I'm not a wet blanket.
You know what? Give me that thing. You want to see me have fun?
- Don't point it. - Let's have some fun.
Oh, Jesus!
- Oh, my God! Are you okay? - Christ.
- I'm so sorry. - I've been shot.
- Careful, careful. - I'm so sorry, so sorry.
- Easy, easy, easy. - I've been shot!
- Let me get in there. Let me take care of this. - Careful.
- You're okay. - Oh, my God!
- I've been shot. - Let me just get you up in the chair here,
- let me get you up in the chair. - I can't feel my legs!
Of course you can't feel your legs!
I'm gonna go get you a lawyer. We're gonna sue these son of a bitches.
- Hickey, what are you doing? - They're racist.
- I'm gonna call the naacp. - I know. Call 'em all.
The aclu. I'm Miss 20,000.
- I'll get you a good lawyer. - Naacp!
The A.L.C.U.L.E.A.!
If this place closes down, I'm not gonna be able to afford that miata.
Why didn't I trust my instincts? You should never have fun at work.
So if the bar closes down, do I still get to live here?
No.
Morning. Ladies.
Another regular, kid.
What?
I thought you were off helping someone sue us.
There'll be no lawsuit.
I knew it. I knew it.
What happened?
- A gentleman never tells. - Oh, you sly dog.
- Oh, yeah, baby. Now, come on. - Easy. Easy, now.
Easy, all right, all right, all right. All right, all right, easy, easy, easy.
Yeah, come on, give me some. Give me some.
- Let's just get you into bed. - Oh, come on, give me some.
Hickey, I want to touch your ***-ey.
Oh, yeah, put my legs on the bed.
Yeah, grab me by the ankles and use me like an elliptical machine.
Come on!
Punch me in the leg! Punch me in the leg!
Make me feel my leg!