(PA) Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport.
(Narrator) Everybody's flocking to the city of dreams,
hoping to hitch their wagon to a star.
Passport, please. What is the purpose of your visit?
I'm an actor, douche-bag. (Laughs)
I'm a psychic superstar.
I'm a documentary filmmaker. I'm here to win prizes, sweetcheeks.
- Are you travelling alone? - No, I've got my mum in here.
What these three men don't realise is that fame and fortune are fleeting.
It's stupidity that's eternal.
Welcome to La La Land.
Today is the most important day of Gary's new career as an actor.
He'll be attending his first audition, a TV commercial.
He's doing everything he can to prepare.
I'm going to see this method actor... acting coach.
Everyone thinks of the method as what Marlon Brando did, you know.
Don't show me that same face! I am gonna smack it off of you.
Because every time I talk about acting, you give me this face, and you do a De Niro.
You have done nothing to prepare for acting! Nothing!
But what I'm saying is I... can learn a method.
Go see the coach,
and try to absorb one or two things that Gary will use for the rest of his life.
- I really can do this. - Go get 'em.
Cheers, Mrs L.
Downtown, Shirley is setting up a premium-rate psychic hotline.
He must first recruit a telesales team willing to sell his spiritual products.
This is one of the things what I've got, which is a globe lantern.
- I've got a whole load of these. - I'm sure.
And all you've got to do is try and... while you're doing the reading,
try and sneak this in and try and get 'em to buy this off you for 50 dollars.
It's a lantern, right? But it's a spirit lantern.
Right.
- Are you the man? - Yes, I can sell anything.
Can I just quickly see how you do that?
- How I do what? - Sell.
- A globe? - Yeah.
- A psychic globe? - A spirit globe. Ring, ring, ring, ring!
Psychic Network.
- Hello. I lost my daughter in a car crash. - Oh, I'm so sorry.
Someone's run her over and I feel terrible.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Maybe we can interest you in an energy-saving outdoor lamp?
You've lost me.
OK, all right, OK.
Let's do some trust exercises to build up trust, all right?
OK, fall back, Elaine.
OK. And you've all bloody caught her!
Hello, thank you for calling the Shirley Ghostman Psychic Hotline.
Can I get your name and astrological sign?
It's a globe meditating lantern.
(Man) You prove to me that you're my grandmother and I'll buy that stupid light.
(Murmurs)
Why would I sell her a knife and, like, scissors?
How is that spiritual?
It's for grooming your aura.
Remember, everybody, keep 'em on the line.
Thank you for calling the Shirley Ghostman Psychic Hotline. How can I help you?
- Who is it? - This pen doesn't work.
Oh, shit. Let me get you a pen, let me get you a pen.
Thanks.
I believe that my boss would like to speak with you.
Hello, Jenny. It's Shirley here.
We can give you one of these clocks at a special price of 30 dollars.
(Jenny) Oh, she told me ten.
- Hold on, can I just put you on hold? - I said 30, and she wouldn't go for it.
- So I was trying to... - Right, watch this and learn.
Ah, hello, yes, your grandmother just come through to me
and she says you should get this clock.
I've got a horrible, horrible feeling that if you do not get this clock,
something horrible will happen to you and the rest of your family.
I'm getting a demon coming through and something terrible is gonna happen.
(Jenny) Is it $ 10 or $30? (Shirley) It's $30.
Filmmaker Brendan hopes to turn his fortunes around
by capitalising on an untapped niche in the documentary market.
I'm gonna be the first right-wing Michael Moore.
I'm gonna play to the red states.
I'm gonna give the Americans what the Americans want,
following a minuteman in San Diego.
I'm gonna shoot this documentary in one take.
Right-wing agenda,
showing how great it is to control the borders,
you know, the... the brown Mexican monster,
more horrid than the worst thing Stephen King could conjure in one of his novels.
Well, I... I think that most Americans actually agree with that.
- They'll be behind me? - I think they will.
I would be fascinated to see this documentary.
In preparation for his audition,
Gary is training with method acting coach Scott Sedita.
- Hi. - I'm Gary.
Hi, Gary. Sit down, relax. So have you studied before?
(Burps) Pardon me. Erm... no, I have... Well, yeah.
- You've come from London? - Yeah. Well, East London, yeah.
So let's say you come from East London and you come to Los Angeles.
And one of the things that you want to do is you want to play professional tennis.
So as a professional tennis player, do you think it might be a good idea to train...
before playing, er... tennis?
- Sorry, you lost me. I wanna do acting. - I know, but...
If I wanted to play tennis, I wouldn't be here, would I?
I'd go and, you know, do tennis...
Am I confusing you?
No, I know what you're saying, cos... but I can do...
Do you feel comfortable talking to me?
You're a little bit like a Bond villain in a little chair.
It feels like you should have a cat on your cock where you're giving it a stroke.
It's like it ain't normal for a geezer to be like that, with another geezer. So I would...
- What role are you going in for? - It's like a... a salesman...
- For? - He sells mattresses.
I think it's not a bad idea to go in to one of these mattress stores
and kind of talk to someone
because there is something to learn from watching somebody else's life.
You need to merge yourself into that salesman. Also listen.
I'm always listening to people cos I'm like a sponge.
My mum always says, "Listen, Gary, because you don't listen, you don't learn."
- She's absolutely right, and that is... - Yeah, that's why when I...
- You're not listening to me now. - I do listen. You just said I listened.
I didn't, I said that's good advice.
You said you listen and that's how you learn.
And you didn't even hear that, cos you ain't listening, cos you are all about you.
In San Diego, Brendan meets the subject of the documentary he plans to shoot
in a single continuous take.
Jeff Schwilk is a minuteman dedicated to defending America's borders.
We caught the largest invasion in the history of humankind from one country to the other.
They need to go back where they came from.
You are a patriot, a hero.
It's about your... your day.
And... action.
"A hero steps from a modern-day chariot.
"Mr Jeff Shrink, a minuteman."
Don't get me in, Kiki.
Slow that down, slow it down, slow it down.
Right.
"Lllegal immigrants, go home. You are not welcome here."
Very good.
(Brendan) "The command centre hummed with a life of its own.
"I wondered, 'How many lives had Schmilk saved with his 1990 Dell?"'
- (Phone rings) - Oh.
Whose is that?
- Kiki. - Yours.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- You want me to pick it up from here? - No, we should go back. All the way through.
"A modern-day hero...
"steps from his chariot.
"Mr Jeff...
"Swink"?
- Sorry, I just mispronounced your name. - Rhymes with milk. Schwilk.
Schwilk? Yeah, I said Shrink.
- I've got it written down, Schwilk like milk. - You'll get it.
"Like all minutemen, Swink logged on."
- You said Swink. - I didn't... Schwilk like milk.
(Brendan) Jeff mucked up that one!
- Shh... What is it? - What?
- Name? - Schwilk.
Schwilk. I did say it right, didn't I?
Schwilk, Schwilk, Schwilk like milk. Schwilk, Schwilk, Schwilk like milk. Come on, then.
"Schwilk, like all milkmen..."
Sorry, I think I just said milkmen. Oh, sorry. Really quick, straight again.
Yeah, let's go. Let's make this one count, guys. Come on.
Action.
Hold on a minute, sorry, that's... You're sweating.
I know, it's frickin' 150 degrees in there.
Right, in the car, quick, again.
- It's like 100 degrees in there. - Oh, is it?
- (Beeping) - Hold on, I got a text. Hold on one second.
- Are you speeding, Kiki? - Yeah.
Ooh, I got a message.
In box. OK, right.
- Brendan, is it OK to just leave this down? - That won't cut.
- You need it up? - Yeah.
OK. Oh, shit!
Fucking microphone. Sorry, Jeff. I've left my microphone in there.
It gets hotter in here by the minute.
It functions as a clock radio but it's a pathway,
because it's been blessed by our, Shirley Ghostman, psychic leader.
- (Phone) - Tell her the spirit is fading.
- The spirit is fading right now. - It's fading.
- It's fading, it's fading. - Fading.
Hello, erm... this is Shirley.
The spirit of Lady Di has actually faded away.
- But I've got some very good news for you. - (Woman) OK.
Um... Mother Teresa is coming through.
Mother Teresa is coming through now.
Through spirits.
- (Woman) Hello? - Oh, hello, Nikki.
- Yes? - Nikki, hello. This is Mother Teresa calling.
I'm so happy to talk to you.
- Tell her Mother Teresa is blessing you. - Yes, definitely. Mother Teresa blesses that.
- Blesses that. OK, my dear, OK, bye-bye. - Thank you, thank you, bye-bye.
- Hello! - Hello?
Hello, this is Shirley Ghostman. You did actually speak to Mother Teresa then.
And I didn't have a chance to warn you but that is an extra $220 on your card.
(Woman) Oh! That... that's a lot of money.
OK, let me hand you over to my complaints department.
* Beep-beep-beep, doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo...
I'm gonna say you're the complaints department, so put on a different voice.
- Hello, this is the complaints department. - Well, hi.
- Hello. - Hi. I just wanted to...
Somebody said I was being charged $270?
Oh, well, you... you did speak to Mother Teresa, didn't you?
You guys have a business licence?
- Is she complaining? - Do we have a business licence?
Right, what is going on here?
Elaine now is crying. She's threatening to kill herself. Listen to this.
Just say you'll kill yourself.
Nikki, I'm going to end it. I really am.
I'm gonna count to three,
and this lady is gonna jump out of the window of the Empire State Building
so you'd better pay up.
You're gonna have to do the noise of you falling out the window.
You'd better pay up.
One, two...
- three. - Aaagh...
oooh.
It's too late.
On the advice of his acting coach,
Gary has decided to go method and shadow Neil Leeds, a mattress salesman.
- Do you mind if I record this? - Yeah.
So talk me through... where are you at, psychologically?
I'm always feeling high-pitched, high-energy,
and if anyone sees me, hypothetically, "The guy's on drugs."
What would you have for like a typical breakfast?
To be honest, I stop into a 76 gas station,
I get a Red Bull or a Monster drink with a Snickers,
and then I'm on my way to my first appointment.
It's wiring. I got to sweep, I got to clean, I'm gonna have the phones ringing.
I'm sweeping the street, I'm running store to store.
That's my medicine, sugar. Taking the phone calls like this.
- And then elevenses? - I'm getting a Hostess Cake.
With a 400 and 500 calorie, creamy, delicious... And a black coffee.
I need caffeine to get me back into the zone of, "I'm up."
Black coffee. Could you talk me through, though, from your point of view, a morning,
- without stepping out of it. - OK.
I get out of my car. I'm gonna come back over here. I'm gonna wipe this down.
I don't like this. This is very bad. The cigarette butt over there. I don't like it.
Look at that. I want this painted today, right now.
It's horrible, man. I don't like my day already.
I want this perfect. I see marks, water stains, behind... behind the toilet.
I want to be able to look at this line and it's straight.
You are thinking about, when I pull this off, "Is there gonna be a spider here?"
We got to be personable. You're down, you got to shake it around.
- You got to dance. Hey! You got to dance. - (Vehicles sounding horns)
If you want to do some dancing, if you need attention, you certainly can get attention.
- (Vehicles sounding horns) - What's up? What's going on? Hey!
When you say about the mattress sales person, he's dynamic.
He could fight, he could love.
- I do get the guys coming from the street. - Yeah.
- I got a guy who might be my competition... - Yeah.
- ...coming to steal all my prices. - Yeah.
But what, I'm gonna tell Spencer not to defend himself?
- Spencer, are you gonna defend yourself? - Absolutely, any day, all day, every day.
(Grunting)
Go on, Neil! Go on, Neil, mate! Go on, get him down!
- Get him down, mate, get him down! - (Grunting)
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
No!
(Bing)
Michael, could you come to my office, please?
Are you any good with these things? I'm trying to get this off the watchmacallit.
Yeah, you, er... you're trying to get away from this website? Or you want to go into it?
I want... Do you like it?
I'm not too big of a fan. If that's what you like, that's what you like. It's not my thing.
No, no, it's not what I like. I can't fucking stand it.
That's why I want it off my computer. How do I get rid of that?
So what would you like to look at?
Um... big busty ladies.
That's just what I like, ladies.
Do you know the public toilets in Griffith Park?
- What's that? - Griffith Park. You know the public toilets?
- I do not know the public toilets. - Maybe we can meet there.
I'd like the idea of a strip club much better than...
- OK, let's go to a strip club and get wasted. - OK.
- And fiddle with some ladies' tits. - Sounds like fun.
OK, all right. OK.
Yeah, sure.
"He made a call, an emergency call,
"a call to another minuteman,
"his friend Barry."
(Music plays)
Barry, it's Jeff.
Did you see the pictures?
All right, I'll meet you down there in a little while. Goodbye.
"He waited for Barry's reply.
- "He waited for..." - I waited for you.
- (Music off) - Right, Jeff, mark that one up.
- Jeff waited for his reply. It's simple. - Jeff waited for Barry's reply.
There you go, in you get. Good boy, let's do it.
- (Music plays) - "Jeff waited..."
- All right, sounds good. - "...for Barry's re..."
- I don't understand. It's so simple, Jeff. - (Music off)
My little boy could do this. He's five.
Right, OK, let's go. Right, in the car.
- (Music plays) - All right, can you meet me down there?
"Jeff...
"...waited...
"...for...
"his
"reply."
Great, Barry, great. See you down there in a few minutes. All right, bye.
"Like a gazelle,
"he sped to the migrant camps.
"He began to think... out loud."
What laws will these migrant campers be violating?
Keep going.
What... if they're down here trespassing...
- Jeff! There was a massive pause there! - (Music off)
- I'm sorry, Brendan. I'm seriously done. - No, cos we need it with the scenery...
- You get one last chance, I swear to God. - (Tyres screech)
- (Music on) - "A hero steps...
"from a modern-day chariot.
"He is Mr Jeff Schwilk."
(Beeping)
- Sorry, I just got a text. - (Keypad tones)
Five hours.
- If you took off your jacket... - Yeah.
...and tucked in your shirt, put in your gold, they're gonna see you make too much money.
You got too much gold. You're gonna look so much different.
Already you've changed completely and I like it.
You've got the muscles, you've got class, and you can pick up a broom,
and you could wave, shake hands, and if you need to get mad, you certainly could defend.
You got it all.
I've got to go and open it, got to get the store open. Oh, my God!
- You know what? - There's dirt on top of here!
You're not mad about it, you're cleaning it up. You're mad. Every fucking day, you're mad.
You got so much shit on your mind. You're mad. But you're moving, man.
You're not Gary any more, remember that. You're not acting.
Don't express with your face what you're doing. Just do it.
You don't want to step on beds though.
(Gary) Oh, the toilet's messy!
You're not you. You're not Gary any more. You are this person now.
You became the mattress salesman, man. You're not dancing yet. You're not dancing.
You know why? Cos you can dance.
And when the dancing time comes out there, you will.
- Hey! Welcome to Los Angeles! - (Sounding horn)
(Laughs)
- Hey! - (Sounds horn)
Hey! Come in and watch!
- (Smash) - Oh!
- (Clears throat) - You wanted to see me about something.
I'm scamming these people. They don't have powers, these things that we're selling.
- Ah, but they do. - Do you really believe that?
You think that these things, these alarm clocks and these outdoor lanterns,
are going to help people communicate with the dead?
I have blessed each of the individual products what we are selling today.
I have touched them with my own hands and blessed them.
When I got through those lamps last night, I nearly collapsed.
Eileen.
(Amplified) Eileen, can you get to Sarah's desk now?
- I mean, this feels like a sweatshop. - Now.
- The whole thing feels very impersonal... - (Coughing)
- If I don't do that, Eileen will run amok. - Well...
I just need support, to get this business off the ground.
Can I show you something that's very personal to my heart?
I don't show people this very often.
- See her? - Mm-hm.
She is a poor impoverished child and I am paying for her to live.
I took that photo. I adopted that girl.
And it's my money what goes into her.
So can I just say, the next time you wobble, have a look at her and think again. OK?
Because if you don't, you'll end up like her and she's now dead.
Gary has arrived at his audition for the Sunlands Mattress commercial.
He has decided to put all his method training into practice.
Let's bring the next guy in.
Did you get a chance to look over the slides?
Yes, I did.
I'm actually the manager of Sunlands.
I thought you might want to, er... have a little look round the place,
because we do stock all different types of mattresses.
I've got a lot of stores to run,
and I've got pressure because of all the different things that are going on in my life
cos I've got to keep the sales team going and all my stores...
We have a lot of pressure on ourselves to get the other actors in
so let's have you stand behind the black tape.
- OK, can I interest you in any of the... - No, not at all.
Have a look around this store and if you see something you like...
Let's have you on the mark.
Would you like to lie down and do the comfort test? This is quite firm.
- What do you think of this? - Lovely.
Right, OK, so give me a call, if you do need me over.
- I'm just gonna stand back here. - Thank you very much. Thank you.
- What mattress do you use at the moment? - Thank you.
We got it.
- We appreciate your time. - Thank you so much.
- Right. - Cool. I appreciate it.
- You ain't got me on tape yet, have you? - (Woman chuckles)
(Man) We got you on tape.
When I was doing the manager of Sunlands, I was doing method.
I came in and did method.
- Thank you very much. - Thank you very much.
- Thank you. - Just give me a chance.
OK, you're done. Thank you.
Oh, my freakin' lord.
(Brendan) "And he thought out loud..."
- (Music on) - What are we gonna find down here today?
What... what...
what laws are they breaking?
Are they violating and trespassing on the girls?
(Brendan) Pull in! With a bit of speed.
Right, Kiki, out.
- You saw the pictures, right? - Yeah.
OK, let's go check it out.
- (Music playing) - "The minutemen, the patriots,
"like a pride of lions..."
- (Louder music) - "...looking out across the savanna.
"The evil migrants
"from Mexico."
(Music drowns speech)
No, Jeff!
- (Music stops) - Wait for the music to just end.
- I'm telling you, last chance. I'm not an... - Are you serious?
I'm telling you, I don't have time for this. I don't.
Right, OK, let's go. Please don't muck it up.
- (Music playing) - "Lllegal immigrants, go home."
See you down there in a few minutes.
What laws will the migrants be violating...
- (Music playing) - "Like lions across the savanna,
"Jeff knew something was up."
(Ringing)
- Oh, Jesus. - (Music stops)
Hello?
Hi, Jack. Sorry, Daddy's making a film. Sorry, can we cut?
His phone's rung about eight times.
(Brendan) No, Daddy's not shouting at you. He's not shouting at you.
Guys, can we cut?
- Excuse me, sir! He say we cut now! - (Brendan) Guys, please!
Just one proper take!
I tell you what, let's do this one last take here. Let's do one last take.
- We're gonna do it? - Last take.
(Low chatter)
Mr Shirley, Mr Shirley, we got to get out of here.
What? Oh, it's that ruddy woman what wouldn't pay for Mother Teresa!
She's gone and called the cops on us! I've got a plan. Now get to your station.
OK, Mr Shirley.
(Amplified) Elaine. Elaine, can you come to my office now?
- So how's the day going for you? - Oh... it's not as productive as I'd thought.
(Amplified) Excuse me! Can you please get back to your station?
Now. Right.
- Wait there, Elaine. - Listen, I'm done, OK?
The way that you're treating us feels wrong. It feels like a sweatshop.
The way that you're announcing things on that big speaker, it's like Hitler Youth.
- No. - I don't think you understand.
- Let's go. - I want to bring her out. Don't take over.
- OK, go grab her, go grab her. - Great, OK.
I've got some news for everybody.
I'm promoting Elaine to manager of this branch of Shirley Ghostman Psychic Hotline.
So, everybody, round of applause for Elaine.
- (Applause) - Elaine, do you want to do this?
She is now manager. Right, who's manager?
- Elaine. - Elaine. Why don't we call Elaine "Shirley"?
OK, I'm gonna pop out now for a bit.
- Somebody coming, Mr Shirley! - OK, get my stuff. Have you got everything?
Elaine, you're in charge!
Come on, Chico.
* The city streets are paved with all I love to like
* I blew right in to make the wrong that I did right
* I'm gonna step right out
* And make 'em scream, make 'em shout
* I'll have it made, I'll have their faith
* In just a year they'll know my name *