(PA) Welcome to Los Angeles lnternational Airport.
(Narrator) Everybody's flocking to the city of dreams,
hoping to hitch their wagon to a star.
Passport, please. What is the purpose of your visit?
l'm an actor, douche-bag. (Laughs)
l'm a psychic superstar.
l'm a documentary filmmaker. l'm here to win prizes, sweetcheeks.
- Are you travelling alone? - Er, no, l got me mum in here.
What these three men don't realise is that fame and fortune are fleeting.
lt's stupidity that's eternal.
Welcome to La La Land.
Brendan, Shirley and Gary
all came to Los Angeles thinking just getting here was half the battle.
They are each about to find out that success is not a destination but a journey.
Little did you think that you'd be coming to Hollywood to fish bees out of my pool.
Mrs L, l would do anything for you.
Gary is seeking advice from his mentor, Ruta Lee,
about creating a film in which he will star.
lmagine this title of the film flickering. lmagine two different words
- coming together on the screen. - Yes. For what?
Or l've got this one which is going round.
Honey, we've got much more important things to do than this.
We've gotta shape you into star material. This has nothing to do with it.
l've got sparrowhawk, starling, vulture, condor...cockatiel.
Wait a minute. This is... an animated film that you're talking about?
No, l'm thinking the villain needs an animal.
Excuse me.
This is so far in the future. You're a baby when it comes to this business.
You need a lawyer, you need an agent, you need everything.
But l've got ideas. The villain could be either...
l was thinking, like, you've had Nick Nack and Oddjob -
what about Odd Nack or Nickjob?
Your little fakakta ideas don't mean anything. Nothing!
- Top of the line, Mr Shirley. - Come on, get on with the shoes, Chico.
l'll do it right now, Mr Shirley.
There's a lot of psychics gonna be auditioning today.
They're gonna pick one to present the TV show, Spirited.
Con... How do you say ''competid... competiror... com... compitails''?
Competitors, yeah. So l need to do something
that's gonna set me apart from everyone else.
Oh, l'm so bloody nervous.
The search for America's next psychic superstar is under way
at the auditions for Spirited, a new paranormal TV show.
My name's Anthony. l'm just gonna shake your hand. l'd rather you didn't touch me.
- Anthony. - Mm-hm.
Anthony is evil and he's done terrible things.
l just feel something in him.
- l felt the same thing. - Yeah.
He's like someone circling for prey. That's what he's like. He's evil.
lf you were to slam his bloody head in a car door repeatedly...
- Oh, don't say that. - But if you were,
- it would say ''evil'' down his neck. - Still.
He's killed...children.
- Has Anthony got his drink on him? - Er, yes.
Cos l've got some tablets in my bag.
lf l give you one of them, could you pop it in his drink?
- No, not at all. That's un... lt's a... - What if l...if l put you under a spell?
No. l will not accept a spell. No.
- Don't say anything to anybody. - No, l will not. l... l...
lf you say anything to anybody... l don't want to threaten you, but...
- Where's your drink? - l'm not drinking.
Right.
Gary is on a quest to find an agent, but first needs an acting showreel.
He's meeting a husband-and-wife producing team
who will put him on tape using scripts he's written,
based on his own life.
And...action.
You're gorgeous, Gary. You complete me.
You don't wanna get involved with a guy like me.
- l'm a dangerous man. - Frankly, l don't give a care. l love you.
(Chris) ''You're getting married to Mickey.''
Sorry, you really put me off when you look me in the eyes.
My mind goes off cos l start thinking about...
''You're getting married to Mickey.''
Sorry, l'm just... putting everything where it should be.
This scene is about your desire, but you have to control it.
- Right. l am trying to control it. - OK, guys. Ready, and action.
You know your problem, Sandra? You can't handle the truth.
We are history.
- Of course l wanna go up ya. - (Laughs)
ls that it? l do. l really do.
(Chris) OK, here we go. Rolling.
One more blow job. Don't make me beg.
All right, then. l'll meet you by the bins.
But that...is it.
All right, l'm gonna mark you guys out.
l got him.
While you're down there... (Laughs)
(Laughs) Might as well do the blow job right now.
- Darlin', you're getting better. - (Laughs)
So we're gonna do the fight scene next, l think.
Can you grab the iron...and...
Sorry, mate, she's given me an 'ard-on. What can l do about it?
l've got a boner cos she just looked me in the eyes in that little, soft way
and just said to me, ''l'll give you a blow job.''
Don't know where the...acting, you know, finishes and reality starts.
Right. Right. lt's acting.
- Hi, Shirley. - Hello.
- D'you mind if l just touch your face? - No, go ahead.
OK. Oh, glasses.
- Rob, can l just get a sense of you? - Sure.
Oh...
OK.
OK. All right. OK.
- All right. OK. - All right. Thank you.
Can l just say? Tom's just been in
and l don't think he's right for this.
All l'm saying is, you're giving someone like Tom the bloody runaround and the lead-on
to think he can do something with his life,
and he can't - he's better off if we just put him in a sack and drown him.
lt's not this life he's gonna succeed in, it's the next.
- D'you understand what l'm saying, Cleo? - Absolutely.
l feel like l shouldn't really say this cos l don't wanna influence you in any way.
l was visited...
by a night demon.
Quite a high-up demon, who is a general.
l don't... ls this television-friendly, the eyes?
- Yes, it is. - OK.
This demon has got it in for both of you.
He's gonna kill you. And he said the only thing l could do to prevent it happening...
was go...and audition for Spirited and get it.
- (Rob) You still might get a guest spot. - The demon said no bloody guest spots.
Hey, baby. Can l just have two seconds of your time?
Brendan hopes to win critical acclaim with an environmental documentary.
He plans to release an endangered species into the wild,
but with no credible expert or rare animal, he is forced to improvise.
l'm making a movie about the condor.
- The bird? - Yes, the bird.
We're taking it from captivity and releasing it into the wild.
We had an ecologist booked from Poland, Professor Studek,
and she's let me down at the last minute
and l just need someone who could just be an ecologist for me.
l just need someone that looks horny in a lab coat.
- Do you think you might be able to help me? - What, money?
Y... No.
l'm sure you've pretended. l'm sure you've faked orgasms... You can fake this.
Could you pass yourself as an ecologist?
Probably.
Erm, l need you to sign this. l can run through it with you, it's just...
''Brendan Allen Films shall not be liable for any injuries sustained,
''whether inadvertent, accidental or on purpose.
''Any negative exposure of Brendan Allen Films will invoke clause 0.27 of this contract
''in which the signatory must publicly admit they are a liar.
''Failure will result in allocation of your worldly possessions to Brendan Allen Films...''
That just means nothing really. Um...
ls there anything you wanna ask me before we start because we can't really...
Well, l mean, we're doing this now?
Yeah, we're going for it now.
- OK. - Can you button it up?
Oh... Well, it's gonna be tight.
Have you anything lower cut than that?
Erm...
You are now...Professor Studek.
- S...? - Studek.
- Studek? OK. - OK?
Professor Studek, how was your flight?
(European accent) Very tiring. Very, very...long.
So what we're doing, is we're going to the zoo. There's an expert there
who breeds the condors in captivity,
and they're giving us a condor to release.
Right, we're here. And l need you two to wait in the car while l pop into the zoo.
Come on, Brendan, just look him in the eye,
tell him you need a condor.
OK...
l...just made you a drink.
No, thank you very much.
- Are you not gonna accept my gift? - No, thank you.
- ls it cos l'm blind? - No. l know it's from the heart.
- Why don't you have...a little sip? - Cos l'm not thirsty.
lt's coffee. You like coffee, don't you?
Yes, but l'm not thirsty. l'm fine.
Just have a little sip as a friendly thing to do.
- Anthony. - Huh?
l bought you a coffee. Enjoy it.
Having completed his showreel,
Gary is hoping to impress veteran Hollywood agent, Steve Stevens.
- So tell me a little bit about you. - Er, l'm an actor.
l'm big news. l've got, like...
l'm like the next sort of the big thing that you ain't ever heard of yet.
Number one, l wanna be able to see your ability as an actor.
- l want you to do an improv for me. OK? - All right. OK. Yeah.
l want you to be a young...insecure attorney...
telling the jury pool that your client is innocent.
Right.
But you're a little insecure with it. Maybe this is your first time in front of a jury.
Right, OK, l can do that.
(Clears throat) Erm...ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
erm, l'm a little bit...er, nervous, just to let you know,
because l'm a little bit insecure cos this is the first time l've done anything like this.
But l got to be straight up with ya, all right?
This little lady here...
she is innocent.
And you...old man,
you could ruin her life.
So if you do not give me an innocent verdict,
l will track you down and nut ya.
OK. That's good.
What do you want?
- Take them. - Why?
- l just need a lock...of Anthony's hair. - Oh, l cannot do that. l cannot do that.
- He's coming. - l cannot do this.
lt's an ethical thing for me. l cannot.
Can l just say...Tom has been saying wretched things about you?
- lt doesn't matter. - l don't think it's fair.
- Being horrible about your boobs. - l don't care.
He said you was a pot-head.
l need to walk away. l need to walk away now.
But she looked like she had long hair, right?
- Would anybody like a drink? - No, we're good, thank you.
(Woman) Oh, my gosh! No...
- (Horn beeping) - Sorry.
- Whoa! - (Squawking)
Right, OK. Let's get going.
How do you take the handbrake off? Fuck's sake!
How do you take the handbrake off?
(Tyres screeching)
(Crash, car alarm beeping)
Oh, shit.
(Woman) Was that the police?
- Oh, God, can you hear that thing? - What is it?
lt's the bloody condor!
Right, we've got the bird. Kiki, just film... Are you on me?
''The car...was full of joy.
''Myself, Brendan Allen, award-winning documentary maker,
''Professor Studek, ecologist from Poland.
''We're excited about the release of the Californian condor.
''Let that poor bird...free.''
(Squawk)
- Whoa! - (Tyres screech)
- Whoa! - Ooh!
- Ooh, shit. - The bird.
- Er... - My God.
How do l reverse?
Whoa, it's all right, it's all right.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, l hope he's OK.
Oh, my God. He's gonna die.
lt's fine!
lt's... lt's all right, it's fine.
lt's all right. Nothing to worry about.
- (Gasps) - Oh, shit.
- lt's fine. - lt's not fine.
lt's fine, it's absolutely fine.
OK. You're all right, you're all right.
- Oh, my God! - No, it's fine! lt's fine.
- You gotta call the vet. - lt's fine. Nobody worry.
There we go. There we go.
See? See?
- lt's going. - Oh, my gosh.
- There we go. - That's just the windshield, not the bird.
The bird, l think, is actually quite...
sleepy.
l've actually done a showreel. This will blow you away.
You're giving me the winkles, mate. You're giving everyone the winkles.
You're a muppet and you should be on a register.
(Grunts)
(Growls)
(Roars)
Right, get out, you greasy paedophile!
Because we don't wanna see you in here.
Yes. Gary has saved the day.
Gary Garner.
Just so you got background on it, l wrote them
and l own the rights to all of the material.
Also, l can string that out to be a proper film.
Like, l've got...a load of ideas of different things
- that me and Mickey have done. - T...T...Time out. Time out.
Let's not get into that. Let me talk about what l just saw.
OK?
The martial arts stuff was horrible. lt looked bad, it looked phoney.
- No, that was proper... - You were this far away from him.
That's how they do it now. Like, back in the day, when they done all the oldies...
- You could... - ..like Bruce Lee, it was different.
Whereas now, the way they film stuff, it's more like that, more Matrix-y.
When you record these things, they have a camera there, you do the scene,
then they move the camera and you do it again.
Uh-huh.
When you go to the cinema, it looks like it's all just happening, but it's not.
Gee, l didn't know that.
l would not, as somebody's representative...
show somebody that.
Can l just let you know that the context of it - and l think that's what you're missing -
is this little dweeb come into the Horse Shoe...
He was drunk, but he was all, like... lt's a true story.
- You're not... You're not listening. - And he was...
Cos he was supposed to be more mental. Like, the guy who did it was more like...
l should have used the proper guy with Down's. That was what the guy had.
And he was drunk on top of that.
You're...not understanding what l'm trying to relate to you
- and obviously... - No, l get it.
..l'm not... l'm not relating to what you're saying to me.
- Use real Down's. - N...
l've gotta go. l've got to get to work. Thank you.
- Please. - Thank you.
- l mean, l... - This is... This... This is it.
- Can l leave you a card? - l've got your picture. l got your resume.
Oh, God.
At the Spirited auditions,
Shirley anxiously awaits Cleo's decision on the three finalists.
l wanna thank you all on behalf of Spirited...
- Oh, come on, give us a chance, please. - ..to come in today...
- Because l've done... l did... - l haven't... l haven't stopped...
- Let me talk. - (Anthony) My goodness.
- At this time... - She's in charge. Please give her...
Oh, it that Anthony, the... We know... Everyone wants you to go,
so l bloody hope you get going.
- At this time... - Sicko.
- Er...Tom... - What? Got through?
- No. People... - He shouldn't get through.
Could you please let me finish talking?
This is people who have to go home right now.
Oh, brilliant. Oh, sorry, Tom.
- What a shame. - So who's staying right now is Davida...
Robin and Shirley.
Oh, yes!
- l want to thank you for coming... - Oh! (Laughs)
- See, you shouldn't be talking. - Shut you up, Tom, didn't it?
Fucking stupid Anthony. Got more bloody psychic capability in my little finger
than he has in his whole bloody body.
Didn't l tell you that it was me and you?
The reason l think it's between me and you is that we're the best-looking people here.
- What's Davida? A pig? - She looks very Jewish, with red hair.
Right. l know exactly what you mean.
There's something in this.
Did you put something in the water? Tastes different.
No.
- What did l drink, Shirley? - Nothing... l don't know.
Just don't operate machinery.
Oh, shit.
Kiki!
Hello. l'm sorry, all right?
l should never have transported a bird on the bloody roof rack.
Yeah, l know, it wasn't your fault. l mean, accidents happen, it just flew off.
lt just flew off. lt fucking flew off.
l know.
The guy at the zoo knew how you were gonna transport it, right?
- He didn't? - l'm a moron,
l just get these massive, er, opportunities and l just screw 'em up.
You need to kick back and relax a little bit.
What am l gonna do for an ending? What's the ending? Give me an ending.
There must be something in that little head of yours.
- Shall we... Can we release the condor? - Sh... Yeah.
- You know? - How?
- What are we doing? - Pretending we're letting it loose.
OK, so Kiki, no lower than here.
- Can you keep the camera up? - Yeah.
No, up, so we're gonna dip down. No...
That's it. Don't go below here.
l think you should go get the condor.
- OK. - OK?
- Yeah. lt's waking up again! - Yeah, it is.
l went and got it... Oh, fuck.
l went... l went and got it from the van.
- And now it's... - OK...
..woken up again when l was dragging it.
Listen! (Squawks weakly)
- Come on, baby. - l'll unzip it.
- Zzzzzzzzzzzz! - Come on.
Cluck cluck cluck! Come on.
- (Squawks) Shall we say something? - Yeah.
l've actually got some poems, l thought it'd be nice to read one of those.
This was written by Kiki.
''l don't care that they eat dead things
''l like their feathers and l like their wings
''They could eat babies for all l care
''l like their eyeballs and their hair
''So if you don't like them, go away
''l am in a condor mood today''
- (Woman) Oh, that's nice! - Thanks, Kiki.
(Both) One...two...three!
Oh, look! Look!
- Look! - lt's soaring through the sky like a...
plane.
We saved it. We did good.
Meanwhile, the Spirited finalists make their way
to the oldest film stage in Hollywood, in search of paranormal activity.
What else is there l need to know? Now, Chico.
Get on the bloody computer. Now.
- Could you please turn off your phone? - lt's off.
But l'm also seeing a lot of pain and emotion
so l don't know if it's the people that worked here...
(Shirley) Shush over there, please, cos l've got something coming through.
- Er, 1 950... l am getting 1 950. - (Davida talking)
Can you please shush over there because l'm talking.
Who would understand Charlie Chaplin? Cos this is what l'm getting.
That's what l'm getting. D'you understand?
- Oh, l understand perfectly. - lt's either Charlie Chaplin or Hitler.
So why don't you guys do a little pow-wow, the three of you?
- Compare notes about what you pick here. - OK. Come on, girls, what did you find?
- Davida felt a young male spirit, right? - No.
- l felt a female crying over there... - No. No. No.
That's not what you got but that's what l've got.
- Your turn. - All right.
So now we're gonna get the facts, not the fiction.
OK, what they're saying to me, Davida and Robin...
is this studio was built in 1 91 4.
Now, that's quite precise so can we check that, please?
- Keep going. - Shushie.
- Wow, do not shush me. - No, listen to me, Cleo.
- Cos l am the host of the show... - Not yet.
- So do not say, ''Listen to me...'' - Right, you're the stage manager.
- l am not your maid or stage manager. - OK, and can we cut there, please?
l've just had an email in from a Bob in Seattle that says, ''Well done, Shirley.
''Everything's going great.'' And he's really enjoying the show.
There's no show right now. We're just trying...
But l'm feeling the show. l'm trying to do the show.
lt's just the fact that you were on the phone that kind of kills your whole psychic ability.
- l was not on the phone, Rob. - Yeah.
ls that a little smug... Has someone's smug alarm gone off, Davida?
You're a pain in the ass. You have alienated the hell out of everyone!
And you tried to play games and mind-screw everybody.
- That is so awful, to put me down like that. - Oh...are you gonna cry now?
- Because you did to me. - No.
- You were saying something... - lf you put me down like that it's not fair!
- Do not raise your voice. - Right, well... She just raised her voice!
- She just raised her voice. - How old are you? Twelve and a half?
- She raised her voice. - This is high school?
- ''This is high school?'' - Yo. lt's not gonna work, OK?
- ''lt's not gonna work, OK?'' - You know what? We're done for today.
- So it did work. - Everybody go home.
- Can l just finish... - No. We're done.
lf you do not put me in this show, l will kill myself.
- Do not threaten me. - l'm threatening you, Cleo!
- Shut the hell up. - l will kill myself.
l'm gonna call police if you don't close the door.
- Please. Cleo... - Shirley...
- You're making yourself look really bad. - l just want a chance!
l want a chance! l want to be on the bloody show, l just want to be on the show!
l want to be the head of the bloody Spirited!
l want to be on Spirited!
l'll kill... l want to be, l want to be, l want to be on Spirited!
You know Security's coming right now, right?
They're gonna arrest me if l go back to England.
Well, you should be arrested. You spiked my drink!
They're gonna do a lot worse than that when l get back to England,
because of the little girl!
l just wanted to give the parents closure.
- And she was cu... Chico! - Cool down.
Tell these people, Chico, to give me a chance.
OK.
l talked to the lady and she say... there no more chances.
- You need to calm down. - Will you hold me? Just hold me.
OK, OK, you need to calm down.
- Calm down. - l love you, Chico!
(Chico) Tomorrow's gonna be another day.
" The city streets are paved with all l love to like
" l blew right in to make the wrong that l did right
" l'm gonna step right out
" And make 'em scream, make 'em shout
" l'll have it made, l'll have their faith
" ln just a year they'll know my name "