(PA) Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport.
(Narrator) Everybody's flocking to the city of dreams,
hoping to hitch their wagon to a star.
Passport, please. What is the purpose of your visit?
I'm an actor, douche-bag. (Laughs)
I'm a psychic superstar.
I'm a documentary filmmaker. I'm here to win prizes, sweetcheeks.
- Are you travelling alone? - Er, no, I've got me mum in here.
What these three men don't realise is that fame and fortune are fleeting.
It's stupidity that's eternal.
Welcome to La La Land.
* The city streets are paved with all I love to like
* I blew right in to make the wrong that I did right
* This town will love me through the day, through the night... *
Mickey. Yeah, it's me. I've arrived.
I'm in bloody La La Land. (Laughs)
Yeah, I've got this geezer driving me.
Guess what. He drove Jason Strutham. Yeah.
- Have you seen Crank? - Of course.
- Crank One. If his heart rate drops... - Yeah.
...he dies.
And Crank Two, if his heart rate drops...
he dies.
Gary just landed in LA.
However, Brendan arrived a few days ago
and has already hired his camerawoman, Kiki,
a dancer he met in a Koreatown strip club.
When I saw you in that cage, and I looked at you,
I thought, "This girl is gonna bring me luck."
- Really? - And that's why I bought you.
Here we are. Château Brendan.
There's only one bedroom, Kiki, but you get to sleep in a chair.
Is wonderful expense... experience to drive you around.
- Thank you so much, Chico. - OK.
Shirley Ghostman was on the brink of becoming
Britain's most famous psychic entertainer,
but recent events have forced him to flee the UK.
When I make it in America, Chico, everyone back in England will be, like,
"Sorry we did wrong by you. We should never have bloody arrested you.
"Cos all you were doing was trying to do good for the world
"and it all got turned against you."
The British police force has frozen Shirley's bank accounts.
To keep up appearances, he's promoted his driver, Chico,
to the position of personal assistant.
Come on, Chico.
Hello. I'm er... checking in to the hotel. If you book me in for a couple of weeks
and then I think we can just, you know, keep it going from there.
- I need to see a photo ID and credit card. - OK.
OK, just look... and sleep.
Now, when I bring you back from your trance,
you will allow me to stay here for two weeks. And... come back.
OK. We're all done, then. Have you got, like, a little card to get in the door?
- Or whatever it is. The little doodah. - Key?
Yes.
So, do you have any ID with you so I can put your name?
I do. Erm...
And sleep.
(Gary) Have you seen any of Ruta Lee's movies?
Seven Brides For Seven Brothers? She's a diamond.
When she's over in the UK... Cos I drive, I do what you're doing now, in the UK.
And once I was driving Ruta Lee. That's how we first met.
And she did say to me, "Gary, if you ever come over, my door is always open."
She's proper old-school Hollywood, you know?
- Ah, Mrs L! - Welcome!
- Hello. - Come on in.
- God, you look gorgeous. - Well, thank you. I fluffed up for you.
This house was once lived in by Rita Hayworth and Orson Welles.
Oh... my God.
South Pacific. Bob Hope and Jack Benny. With me!
- You got a bird. - Yes.
(Squawks)
Now, what brought you here?
Well, my mum thought I could do it. You know.
She was like... She wanted to be an actress
and she put a lot of effort into it and she ended up...
- doing, you know, erotic... - That's all right.
...stuff in England, but she'd had a stroke while she was doing a film...
- I'm sorry. - ...with six guys.
And on her deathbed she was like, "Gary, you should be an actor, my son."
And what have you done?
I... haven't... I mean, I did a lot of stuff at school.
- At school. Mm. - I was a rat in the Pied Piper Of Hamelin.
But everyone, you know... When I'm down the pub, everyone turns round.
You know? I'm like, "Awright?" And everyone, "Is that Gary?"
- But that's... - "You should be on the stage, mate."
Cos I go in there and I'm doing all this.
All right is all right.
You know, doing a little joke, going over. I'll get someone in a...
- Cute. Cute. Cute. Cute. All bullshit. - And he's like...
- Cute. Cute. All bullshit. - But everyone's like, "Gary..."
Now shut up for one minute.
You're coming in and doing, "Hey!" And having all the guys, you know,
all the blokes in the pub turn around and say you should be in the movies.
- That's what they say. - It's not what it is, though.
I can tell jokes.
- Knock, knock. - Who's there?
- I did up. - I did up who?
Mrs L!
- Was there a joke there? - Well...
- I didn't get it. - All right. Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - I did up.
- I did up who? - Did you?
Jesus!
- I did a p... - Good, innit?
- It doesn't mean diddly squat. - It does.
- It doesn't. - Straightaway, I'm right here.
It might mean it to the blokes at the bar but you don't know shit from Shinola
about what the technicalities are of film.
Yeah, but I've been trained in the university of life. You know? I...
That may be fine but you haven't been trained...
At the end of the day, acting is lying, innit?
It's like if you're out with a bird and she's like, "Does my bum look big in this?"
You know you ain't gonna get anything tonight if you say, "Yeah, it's huge."
So you go, "No." There. That's acting.
You have not the vaguest frigging idea what you're talking about.
- Oh, come on. Come on, Mrs L. - Not the vaguest.
- I can do drama. I'm not... You know... - How do you know you can do drama?
- Look at this. - What is that supposed to prove to me?
- Imagine what I'm thinking now. - I have not the vaguest idea.
- Nor do I care. - I know, but I can do it in the eyes.
Everyone says I can do it in the eyes. Watch.
Sad.
Happy.
I'm thinking about something. What's this?
- See that? - You know what?
That's not acting.
The thing what makes me different from other psychics
- is a lot of celebrities come through. - OK.
I've got, like, access to the sort of VIP area, if you like, in heaven.
You know, that's a gift. So that would be something somebody would...
- I had Heath Ledger come through to me. - Oh, my.
- But I worry that that's too soon. - That might be.
You know, I wanna turn up in Hollywood here and just make it big.
Well, I think you need to start building and getting some following.
I don't know of anybody that does the psychic readings that fits... looks like you.
I would like to change a bit, if I can.
What happened to me in the UK, I want to silence that and begin again.
And begin again here, OK.
Because basically, what happened was Olivia Graham's parents hired me
cos their child went missing. I do a lot of this work in the UK where I help...
- Investigators, OK. - ...investigators. They were looking for her.
The spirits were showing me her, in very shallow water,
and I said, "Stop the search. She is dead."
- Did you? - The publicity was fantastic.
I was front page. Living gave me a series. Everything was going sweet.
And then she escaped from hiding.
"Olivia escaped from a basement in Bixbury Square,
"less than a mile from her home,
"and ruined Ghostman's already debatable credibility.
"What followed was a public downward spiral of self-destruction
"by the fallen fraudster." And this is when they got me.
- Cos they got an undercover reporter... - Oh, dear.
- ...to trick me. - Mm-hm.
And he, basically, offered for L4,000 cash that he could wipe her out for me.
And it was his idea, not mine.
All they've got is some footage where I was nodding at what he was saying.
I didn't directly say, "Get rid of her."
OK, so you ha... Now, OK, let's go back to the Living series.
- So you had a series in the UK? - I had a series. Everything was fine.
You have that behind you. That's good. So you have...
No, I don't, because this little shit escaped.
So you wanna stay here, though, now. Leave that behind.
- You want to stay in Los Angeles? - I'd love to stay in Los Angeles.
I'd love to make it here. And to be honest, if I do go back there, I'll get arrested.
Across town, Brendan eagerly awaits his first LA pitch meeting
with an award-winning producer.
- (Knock on door) - Coming.
(Sheldon) Thank you.
- Who is it? - Seldon Alfel.
- Who? - Seldon Alfel.
Erm... let's... So let's... Again.
Oh, Seldon Allfield.
- Sheldon... - Allfield.
Yeah.
- How do you do? - Brendan Allen. Pleased to meet you.
- Please take a seat. - Thank you.
Well... You don't mind if I sit over here?
No, not at all. Not at all.
So, what brings you to Hollywood?
Erm, I am a movie maker.
And I wanna make documentary feature films in Hollywood.
I'm on this journey on my own, really.
Well, I've got Kiki, who does my camerawork for me.
I just wanna make something... (Growls) Here.
Along what lines?
- OK, what about... sharks? - Sharks?
Well, for years now, we've only been watching documentaries
where we see sharks from above the water,
seeing their fins, seeing kind of that froth around the fins.
My idea, we build a cage, maybe something like steel,
to stop the sharks getting in,
and then we have someone underneath the water film the sharks,
so you actually see... under the water.
Uh... yes. That's been done er... quite some time.
No, no, no, no, no. That's when you can see the fins on the top.
- No, I'm talking... - A camera actually films underwater.
No, I understand that. That's what... what was his name? Couseau.
- ...the late Couseau did. - No, no.
Sorry, I respect what you're saying but I don't think you understand what I'm saying.
I'm on about building a camera...
Er, cos I've got a friend who's got a radio that he uses in the shower.
I'm on about using some of that technology,
building a camera and actually filming... under the water?
So you actually see the sharks.
That's exactly what I was telling you.
- Why are you doing this to me? - I'm not doing anything to you.
- Every idea I'm giving you... - I've been a producer 60 years.
- ...you are just pummelling it down. - I have produced almost 4,000 shows.
- It's been done... - No, they've alw... You've...
- ...under the water. - No, they've only been filmed from above.
No, they have not.
If you filmed under the water you'd get eaten by a shark.
- Not in a cage. - Well, no, exactly. That's my idea.
You build a cage, you put someone in it,
you lower them down and then you film it under.
- So I don't know who this erm... - Jacques Cousteau.
Yeah. But I'm saying I, Brendan Allen,
not Jacques whoever it... What is it?
- Jacques Cousteau. - Yeah.
- Go under the water, below the water... - I know what you're saying.
- Below where the boats are. - I understand what you're saying.
Except for one small detail. It has been done.
They just took a snap of me at a urinal.
I put my hand up and I don't know what... They Photoshopped this cos this is not...
- Course they did. - That's not me.
You know that stuff happens all the time.
- But I'm not gay, OK? I've got a family. - OK. That's fine. It doesn't matter.
I'm fed up with people saying that I'm gay when I'm not gay. There. That's my family.
Oh, shit. Sorry. That's my family.
Er, is that... OK, is... Your w... Who's the... Is that a little boy?
- Yeah. Lovely, aren't they? - How old are your children?
Erm...
- Four. - That's a little one.
Do you think? Or five. F... One.
- That's a baby. - That's a baby.
That's the little baby of the family.
The sharks can't get him because of the cage around him.
Yes. This cage... has been seen in a lot of films.
Why do you want to knock a young man's ideas?
I am supposed to tell you, "That's a great idea, go ahead and do it
"and make a fool of yourself"?
This is the problem with Americans. They steal my ideas.
I'm about two seconds from walking outta here because you...
- You're jealous. Of me. - I am?
- Why don't you just say it? - I am? Jealous?
- Yes. - Best of luck to you.
- You're gonna need it. - I will help you.
The guy's a fucking idiot.
Ruta Lee has sent Gary to have his actor's headshot taken
by photographer to the stars, Lennon.
- Have a seat. Your wardrobe's in here? - My wardrobe?
- Yes. Is this what you're gonna be shot in? - Well, yeah.
I'm just gonna tell you that this is not gonna read well on camera for a headshot.
What d'you mean, it ain't gonna read well? This is, like, expensive gear.
- I've done a lot of this before. - I ain't telling you how to do what you do.
But I've done, like, wedding stuff and, like, I done my sister's wedding.
- I done... - OK. The best way...
Is this a proper... place? Before we get off onto the wrong foot.
Have you got, like, proper backdrops with, like, library and all that?
You know, you're on a wheel and it looks like the countryside or something.
That's what you would do if you were going to Sears for a family portrait.
This is... I shoot actors.
Well, but... All seriousness, right? You ain't got... a library backdrop?
No, I don't have a library backdrop.
- Well, that's one of the first things... - Can I just tell you...
If you go to a professional photographer in England...
- You are not in England. - ...you get a library backdrop.
First of all, a headshot is a picture of your head.
Yeah. And I've seen 'em. I know. I know.
And you glamour it all up, put the pearls on, all that.
And then they make you buy one. I know what you're gonna do
cos I'm already there. The first photo, you charge whatever you like.
"Take this one for free." And then you want the big portrait done...
- No. - ...with the swirls on, like the oil painting.
You must be shopping in malls for headshots cos that's not what we do.
Mickey.
- Sorry, mate, I got Mickey on the line. - Tell Mickey I said hello.
It's all a bit Okie, to be honest.
He ain't got the wagon wheel, he ain't got the backdrops,
he ain't got any of the, like... any of the stuff.
- Mickey's saying what camera you got? - Tell him I use a Polaroid camera.
He uses a Polaroid.
- I'm kidding. - Oh, right.
Does Mickey have something called a computer?
- Tell him to look me up on the Web. - Mickey.
- He's a bit pissed. - He's pissed?
Are you on the Google and all that?
He's got a website. This mush has got a website.
- Have a look at it. Lemon. What is it? - Lennon.
Yeah, I think he might be one of those. What's on the old site?
Are you joking? Benicio Del whatever his name is?
Benicio Del what's-his-name is one of my people, yes.
Lay off the beer.
All right, mate.
You can't walk around this town
with this attitude that you know everything about this business.
You can't be taking your advice from someone that you call a drunk.
I'm a fish out of water and the only person I got to rely on is Mickey.
The only smart thing you've said is that you're a fricking fish out of water, dude.
If I'm good enough to shoot Academy Award-winning people,
I'm sure I'm good enough to shoot for you.
Benicio Del Toro didn't ask for a wagon wheel or a library background.
- You're wearing lime green and grey. - Yeah.
OK. You've got your Mr T starter-kit, which... That definitely has to go.
- What's in the bag? - W...
Like, do you have any other clothes with you?
No. I've got er...
- Your Academy Award? - No. Not yet.
Your l-know-everything-about-acting trophy? What is it?
- You brought your mother's ashes? - To scatter 'em in Hollywood.
- Was she an actress or something? - Yeah.
- Did she work in Hollywood? - No, she never got here.
- D'you know Electric Blue? - No.
It's like porn but it's, like, not full hardcore porn, you know.
Your mother was a softcore actress?
An actress, yeah. Sorry, but can I just say, all right, because I get this a lot -
Kate Winslet gets an Oscar for just getting her tits out
in whatever it was, the German thing what she done.
My mum, with all that gloop on her face,
could still pull off a proper, believable orgasm. And that ain't good acting?
You can't compare Kate Winslet to what your mother did.
It's a different part of the entertainment business.
It's acting. That's what it is, all right?
Fantastic. Let's get to work.
Brendan is going through a divorce with his wife, Suzie...
and is determined to persuade their five-year-old son, Jack,
to come and live with him in Los Angeles.
- (Phone ringing) - (Woman) Real-estate office.
Hi. Er, my name is er, Brendan Allen
and er, I'd like to buy the property that you have at Sierra Mar Place.
OK.
- Hello. - Hi.
- You Brendan? - Russ. Yeah.
Pleased to meet you. Russ Filice. Sotheby's.
- D'you know anything about this house? - I know a little bit.
- It's the former home of Jerry Seinfeld. - Oh, wow.
- The house is about 6,000 square feet... - (Gasps) My God.
...with three bedrooms in the main house, plus a theatre.
Wow, it's gorgeous, isn't it?
It's great. I mean, the view's fantastic. It's great.
Listen, would you mind if I gave er... a business associate of mine a call?
Go ahead.
Maybe call him down just cos of the financial kind of implications
of buying somewhere like this.
Hey, Jack. It's Daddy.
Show this to Mummy because I've landed on my feet. Look.
This is Daddy's new bedroom.
Look at this. This is where Daddy lives now.
This is the bed that Daddy sleeps on.
Hey. Look. Come over here.
See this view? This is gonna be your house, Jack.
We're building a waterslide at the moment.
From upstairs in your bedroom it's gonna go down to the pool.
Come and look at the pool.
Look, Jack. There's the pool. Huh?
See you soon. I love you, sweetheart.
Thanks, man. Er, look, I don't know if erm...
He's not convinced that...
this is the right business deal for me to be doing.
I can't... If Mickey saw this, he would have a bloody field day.
All my mates in the pub would be like, "Gary, you bender."
- Sit there. - Those are like sex chairs.
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
What is this?
So if you just sit there for a moment.
Just lean on the table there, please.
- Lean over the table? - Lean on the table.
Oh.
Here we go.
Hold on, I've got to get in the frame and thing.
- Action. - I'm just taking er...
Are you gonna say "Cheese" or anything like that?
Cos in the... Olan Mills they're like, "Right, say 'cheese', everyone."
- Or "Everyone..." - I have a little duckie for you.
You're taking the piss out of me, aren't you?
I can hear it in your voice. You're doing sarcastic at me.
Sarcastic would be, "I love taking pictures of you."
Inspired by his publicist's words of encouragement,
Shirley has decided to give free psychic readings
to the wealthy guests of the Roosevelt Hotel.
- Hello. - Hi. I'm Michaela.
- Pleased to meet you. Take a seat. - Nice to meet you.
OK. All right.
Erm, what I specialise in is numerology.
OK.
- I work with numbers. - Right.
OK. Have you got a wallet or anything like that? Or a purse?
Yeah, I should have something...
- OK. - ...in here.
I have my licence.
- OK. - Money.
This is a Visa. OK, now, this has got numbers on it and that's all I need.
Right. OK. Now... just look at me in my eyes.
OK. And... I'm just gonna put you in a very, very simple trance.
OK. And sleep.
Now I'd just like you to meditate for a second, while you're in that trance.
Just close your eyes and relax and just concentrate on that.
I'll be one second.
Excuse me.
Could I clear my bill, please, on this?
Could you just make a note of the numbers?
I'm confused. Did you wanna clear your food bill for today?
Everything. I wanna clear everything out.
What's the... Er, valid through 0513. Magic numbers on the back...
OK. Right, OK.
And... come out of your trance.
OK. Now, erm...
That's very interesting. What they're saying to me
is er... there's good news coming your way.
They're saying you're gonna go to er... school? College?
- Mm-hm. - What you doing? University?
- University. - University is what they're saying.
- Not bad, is it? - I'm from Philadelphia. New York.
That's what I thought. I was gonna say Philadelphia. New York.
I came out here to study for the summer.
You came here to study over the... hot months.
But I'm contemplating, because I've been having a lot of mixed energy,
whether I should go back and finish.
They're saying to me you've been contemplating
cos you've been having a lot of mixed energy, and whether to go back and finish.
Well, I do wanna finish but I was thinking about finishing here.
They're saying to me you want to finish the last year but... here.
- Yeah. That's what they're saying? - Yes.
- Here? - That's what they're saying. Is that right?
- I wanna finish here. - Right.
- I don't know if that's in the cards. - It's in the cards.
It's in the stars. It's in everything. Chico. (Clicks tongue)
OK. Can you escort this lady out, please?
- Just give me a second. - OK.
But, I mean, numerology, doesn't it have more to do with your birth date?
- Erm... - I'm a nine.
- Nine. - Because in numerology I'm 9181988.
Yes. There's a lot of good numbers in that.
If you put that in a long division, so if you carry the four, erm,
and multiply that by three, that's your power-animal number.
And, you know, if you ma... subtract that from 12,
and then you've got - what is it? - Two.
Where? From what? From 12?
Er, you know, long division and all that. I was never good at maths, me,
but eventually, you're gonna come out with a bloody good number.
And that's what's great. Chico, can you just?
Thank you very mu... God... Love and light. God bless you.
Thank you. And you connected with my spirit, my?
It's all been... done, yeah, and processed through. Yes.
OK, quick as you can, Chico.
(Mouths)
All right. Thank you.
Yes.
And thank whoever it is that's supporting you while you're doing your studying.
- Thank you. - OK.
OK.
- Is he really a visionary? - Yeah, he is.
- You sure? - Sure.
But, I mean, he looked at my bank account card.
Mickey?
I'm still here!
Yeah. With Lennon.
Yeah, we done a smart photoshoot.
Yes, mate. No, he's not. He's got a wife.
Oh, Jesus, are you kidding me?
He is going crazy here.
OK, mate, I gotta go cos we're doing serious stuff here. We're doing photos.
(Laughs) Jesus Christ!
My God! Hey, hold on. Go back one.
No. No. That's quite good.
D'you know anyone that can help me out?
- No. - Can you put this in the right hands?
Er, no. I'm sorry.
What about if I was to bung you a monkey?
(Belches) Sorry. I...
Excuse me. Really. Seriously. Get over there right now.
This is the most trying of my patience in my life.
You should take the Hollywood tour bus and get a camera
and take some pictures of your vacation and go home.
Because I'm hopefully gonna save
what's left of your mother's fortune that you didn't piss away.
If my mum could be here now, she'd say, "Gary, you bloody made it.
"You've just had your headshot done.
"You're on the first... step to success, my boy.
"And you can do this. And don't let those Americans hold you back."
It's a pipe dream. It's never gonna happen.
So we're done. I don't want you here and I don't want your mom here.
What a fucking loon.
* The city streets are paved with all I love to like
* I blew right in to make the wrong that I did right
* I'm gonna step right out
* And make 'em scream, make 'em shout
* I'll have it made, I'll have their faith
* In just a year they'll know my name *