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DAVE: Come on.
Good. Again.
Dad, my legs are starting to cramp up, okay?
Maybe it's just enough for one day.
Come on, Mike, this isn't the pee-wee basketball league
where your mama brings a snack
where everybody gets to play, all right?
If you want to be on the high school basketball team,
you're going to have to practice, all right?
I don't know if you've noticed this, but you're not black, huh?
And you're Jewish.
Hey.
Hey, coach.
How's it going?
Is Mike so good he can attack a girl in a hotel room
and get away with it?
Not yet, Vicky, but one day, one day.
I'm telling you this kid is going to make the team
because he's a winner, I can feel it.
Hey, honey, how's it going?
Horrible. I hate my life. I'm totally depressed.
Remember when we were young
and we thought that was as bad as it gets?
What's wrong with her now?
I don't know, I don't want to ask.
I'm afraid she'll tell us.
MIKE:Get your finger out of my face, Larry.
LARRY:You said don't touch you and I'm not touching you.
MIKE:I swear to God, I'm going to kill you.
Okay, okay, okay.
You want the homicide or the suicide?
I'll take the suicide.
Wait, no, that's not fair.
You had the suicide last time.
You know what, odds.
Crap! Yes!
Wait, why do I feel like I didn't actually win anything?
Wind pipe... Can't breathe...
Hey, hey, what's the matter
with you, Larry?
You're going to hurt him.
Don't you know he's gotb asketball tryouts coming up?
Do you know how easy he could pull a muscle
putting you in a chokehold?
How... how is this my fault?
I was blacked out.
Oh, he started it, all right?
I was practicing and he comes out here talking about
Star Trek and Spock's ass.
Spock's ears! Ears!
They're his most distinctive feature, you idiot.
Only a lunatic would walk up to someone
and start talking about Spock's ass.
All right, all right, that's enough out of you, okay?
Leave your brother alone.
Now go to your room and stay there.
I'm being sent to my room for getting beaten up?
Yes.
This is completely unfair.
All right, one more word
out of you and I'll make you play basketball.
It's been weeks since I've had a date.
Being a senior girl sucks.
I mean all those guys that I ignored
when I was younger, now they're the only ones available
and they won't ask me out.
Oh, God, why did I leave my glass of wine in the kitchen?
Sweetie, you're a beautiful girl.
You know, maybe boys are just afraid to ask you out.
Believe me, I used to go through that all the time.
In fact, there was this one boy on the swim team-- Jay O'Donnell.
He was so hot.
And I remember his whole body would be wet...
Mom!
Sorry. I mean, I'm just... You know what?
If they're not asking you out, why don't you ask them out?
No way. I'm not desperate.
I just want a boyfriend, any boyfriend.
I don't even care who.
Well, then let them know you're interested.
Here's the thing.
Guys are afraid of being shut down.
So why don't you just walk over to them
and make eye contact and show a little body language
that says "I'm available"?
Is that how you got Dad interested in you?
That's right.
Of course, my body language included flashing him.
Don't judge me.
I was totally wasted at the time.
(sighs)
Look, Mike, you got to focus, okay?
For the next couple of days, your priority
has got to be basketball.
And growing.
Well, it's hard for me to focus
when Larry's always getting in my face like that.
He only does that stuff because you ignore him all the time.
You know, maybe
if you threw him a bone and gave him some positive attention
he wouldn't be trying to get all this negative attention.
Wow, I think that actually made sense.
Why is Vicky never in the room when I get it right?
I think she's been dragging me down.
We have nothing in common, Dad.
I mean, sometimes I wonder if we're even related.
Look, I'm not saying you've got to be best friends.
Just try to get along, okay? You are brothers.
So?
So, one day you're going to be
a little old man, Mike, okay?
And who's going to have time to take you to the doctor
because they have no life and nothing else to do?
Larry.
Exactly.What am I supposed to say to him?
That's the beauty of it, okay. You don't have to say anything.
What?
Look, I've been selling insurance for...
well, long enough to want to cry, all right,
and the trick is to get people to talk about themselves.
And once they're doing that, you just repeat a word every now and then
so they think you give a crap.
And that actually works?
Hey, I'm still married to your mother, aren't I?
So basically you just repeat every otherword they say?
Yeah, I can't tell you how many policies
I've sold to idiots that way.
Policies?
Yeah, there was this oneclient in Dix Hills... Dix Hills...
Yeah, he was a real tool, this... Hey!
Don't try that on your mother, okay?
'Cause if you do,I'm going to be seeing you every other weekend.
Weekend? Stop it!
All right, I'm sorry.
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See that guy over there?
I'm going to go up to him,
I'm going to get him to ask me out.
Really? Usually when we scope out cute guys
we wait for them to come to us.
When they don't, we just tell each other they're gay.
Yeah, well, I'm tired of waiting around.
I'm going to make eye contact and send him signals
with my body language.
Yeah, I don't think that's going to work.
Why not?
Because he's reading a book with his fingers.
He's blind?
Oh, my God, that makes him even hotter.
He's not only sexy, he's vulnerable.
Yeah, God really hooked him up with that whole blind thing.
Hi. (gasps)
Oh, oh...
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
No, yeah, usually I like to get to know someone's name
before I let them feel me up.
Well, I don't, but have it your way.
I'm Hillary.
And don't worry, the coffee didn't leave a stain.
Did it leave any chest hair, because that was really hot.
(laughing)
I don't know if you know this, but you're pretty hot, too.
Thanks.
And I should probably let you know
that, you know, other people say I'm pretty hot myself.
Doesn't help me.
Right.
Uh, mind if I sit down?
Uh, you know, actually I do.
Oh... girlfriend.
No.
Boyfriend?
Definitely no.
Look, I'm-I'm sure that you're a very nice person,
but I just don't think you're my type.
So?
Gay!
I heard that!
(sighs)
Hey, hey, Larry.
What's... what's up, buddy?
What are you doing?
I'm just reading this comic book.
Comic book.
Yeah, it's about this guy who doesn't realize
his arch-enemy is himself from an alternate universe.
Alternate universe?
Yeah.
Wow, I never realized you were so interested
in this kind of stuff.
Stuff? What?
Um, nothing.
Go on.
Great advice, Mom. Thanks to you,
I totally humiliated myself.
What are you talking about? What happened?
I met this great guy
and I let him know I was interested
and he completely rejected me.
A guy rejected you?
What, is he blind?
Actually, yes.
Oh, well, there you go.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing, sweetie. You're a beautiful girl.
You're wasted on a blind guy.
Wait, so you're saying that the only thing I have to offer
is my looks?
No, not at all, sweetie.
But let's face it, guys aren't going to exactly
line up to hear your theories on quantum physics.
Oh, like you're some genius.
You don't even know what quantum physics is.
Or... are.
I don't have to be a genius, okay?
Your mother can see, so I can coast on my looks.
Hey, don't listen to him, honey.
You have lots of great qualities.
And if this boy can't appreciate them,
then move on.
Yeah, to somebody with eyeballs.
Look, God granted you assets.
Don't let them go to waste.
And if you insist on going out with a disabled person,
why don't you try somebody with no hands?
You know what?
You don't know what you're talking about.
There's a lot more to me than just my looks.
You're wrong about me,
and so is that hot blind guy.
I can't believe you said that to her.
What, like you disagree?
Well, of course I don't disagree,
but I would never say it to her face.
(knocking)
Hey, what's going on in here?
Nothing. Larry and I are just hanging out.
We're having a really good time.
Yeah, Mike and I were talking, and the next
thing you know, I'm teaching
him how to play Dungeons & Dragons.
He's already figured out that sorcerers can
forget Nerf spells like "Sleep,"
to learn new spells like "Ray of Enfeeblement."
All right, good times.
Come on, Mama needs a new invisibility shield.
Hey, Mama, can I show you something real quick?
Yeah.
What are you wasting your time with that stuff for, huh?
You got tryouts this week.
You got to keep your head in the game.
Come on, Dungeons & Dragons players don't get cheerleaders.
They get wedgies.
But, Dad, I'm doing what you told me to do.
I'm throwing Larry a bone.
Okay, maybe I wasn't clear, Mike.
I meant one of those bones that you choke on
from a little piece of white fish.
Not one of those gigantic brontosaurus bones
that tips the Flintstones' car over.
Come on, Mike.
I'm about to kick your ass
in the dark waters of the hollow world.
Oh, in your dreams, Orc.
(both giggling)
Relax, Dave.
It's one game of Dungeons & Dragons.
Oh, no, there's no one game of Dungeons & Dragons.
Okay, once you start that game,you're hooked, okay?
It's like crack for losers.
And what exactly is crack for winners?
Winning, sweetie.
Winning is crack for winners.
And I'm jonesin'.
I need a hit, sweetie, I need a hit bad.
Honey, did you ever think that sometimes you're trying
to live vicariously through the kids?
Okay, and I don't want to be a orc in the hollow world.
Is that where you want to retire, huh, huh?
To the hollow world?
Dave, why can't you just leave well enough alone?
You done good.
You somehow snuck into the amusement park.
You swung the hammer, you rang the bell.
You walked away with the biggest Kewpie doll.
You ate a dozen hot dogs and some cotton candy.
You rode the roller coaster.
Now it's time to leave before you throw up on everything.
Oh, Vicky. Oh, Vicky.
W-w-when are you gonna stop with the wine before dinner?
Ah! Hi, it's me, Hillary.
You know, the girl you don't think is your type.
Oh.
Hello.
Look, despite what you said,
I-I-I really do think that we have a lot in common.
Okay.
So, what are you reading?
It's a...
a book about economics.
Oh! Economics! I love economics.
You know about economics?
Absolutely. I, uh, know all about economics.
For instance...
"The Consumer Price Index has increased
"for the third consecutive quarter,
sending inflation fears rippling through the bond markets."
You're reading from the newspaper.
What?!
I am not.
Why would you think that?
Well, I can hear the pages turning,
I can smell the newsprint
and that article is from last week's paper.
Fine! I don't really know what economics is. Or are.
You know, you don't have to.
We don't have to have anything
in common. It's okay.
I am not just pretty!
No,you're also kind of annoying.
Hey! How's it going? What are you doing?
Just watching The Music Man.
It really holds up.
Yeah? I bet it holds up even better on the TV in your room.
Where's Mike? Is he at the gym, shooting hoops?
Well, actuallyhe just... Hey, sorry about that
to the bathroom. What did I miss?
Well, they're about to drum him out of town
'cause none of the kids know how to play their instruments.
Ho, wait, wait, wait a minute.
I'm confused-- w-what the hell's going on here?
Well, Professor Harold Hill came to town, but
he's not really a professor.
He's actually a con artist.
Shh! Here comes the show-stopper.Oh, no,
Wait a minute. You want to see a show-stopper?
There. The show stopped. Okay?
W-w-what are you doing, man?
It's bad enough that he's watching this,
and now you're watching this, too?
Come on, you should be out on the court, practicing,
you know, not sitting on the couch, watching men dance!
Come on-- tryouts are tomorrow.
You know what? It's not really an issue for me anymore.
What do you mean?
I mean I'm not trying out.
I just, you know, don't want to anymore.
What are you talking about, Mike, you don't want to?
Come on, you know.
For 20 years I've dreamed
about having a son on the basketball team, man.
I-I poured my heart and soul into this
and you led me to believe that you
wanted it as much as I do.
Well, Dad, I changed my mind.
Well, you change it back, you. Okay?
You're just a kid. Your brain
is the size of a bird's. You don't know
what the hell you want and I don't care what you want.
All right, Mike, you're gonna be on
the basketball team or... Or what?
Or you're grounded, that's what.
What?
That's right, you're grounded.
For not trying out for basketball, Dad?Yes, you're
Dad... No TV.
But, Dad... No allowance!
You can't do that. You want
to go for "no food," Skinny?
You can't do that to him.
It's completely unfair. Oh!
He has rights as a human being! Uh-oh.
Whoa, whoa. You're sticking up
for your new buddy, pal, huh?
'Cause I got news for you-- you're grounded, too!
Me? What did I do? Oh, no.You had
something to do
with this, didn't you?
No. What?! No. I don't know what you're talking about.
And the fact of the matter is,
you just blame me for everything around here.
Oh, okay, don't try to deny it, okay?
Before you came along, he was gonna be Doctor J.
Now' he's... Dr. Doolittle.
Well, right now, I feel
like Dr. Doolittle 'cause
I'm having a conversation with a jackass.
No food, no drink, and if you keep going,
I'll take away your air, too.
Now, go to your rooms.
The both of you are disappointments.
Wish I'd never had either one of you.
What?
Hey. You know that whole "Mike and Larry" thing?
Yeah.
I think I got myself into a little bit of a situation.
Honey, relax. I'm sure it's nothing that can't be fixed.
What exactly happened?
I-I think I pushed Mike
a little too hard with all the basketball stuff.
Well, you're human. It happens.
Yeah.
Yeah. And I, I might have vented my frustration
a little unjustly towards Larry.
You know what? Been there, done that.
Yeah. Yeah, And I kinda, mighta, sorta said, you know,
that I wish I never had them. Pfft.
What?!
Are you a complete and total idiot?
What the hell kind of a parent says something like that?
Okay, okay, okay. I know it was a stupid thing to say, but
I'm not all bad, right?
Come on, let's not forget that
I spent time with him and took an interest in his goals.
All right. That's good, right?
Please say it's good.
Come on, I'm hanging on by a thread, here, sweetie.
Yeah, yeah, you did do that-- for Mike.
But what about Larry? Ah, you know,
I do my best not to give him crap
about all that loser stuff he does.
You know, I do a lot of tongue biting that you are unaware of.
You know what your problem is?
I care too much?
You're a labeler.
According to you, Larry's the loser, Mike's the winner.
Hillary's the pretty one.
Oh, that's not labeling.
That's just being observant.
(sighs)
My point is, you tell the kids
something long enough, eventually they're gonna
start to believe it. Yeah, well,
if I labeled Mike a winner, what the hell
is he doing hanging out on the couch with My Fair Larry?
Maybe Mike's afraid he can't live up to his label.
Maybe he's hanging out with Larry
because he doesn't put any pressure on him.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, okay?
I don't put pressure on him.
But I'm telling you, if he doesn't
make that basketball team, I'm gonna kill myself.
Do you hear the words
that are coming out of your mouth?
Because your kids do, and it has an influence on them.
Please, sweetie, when was the last time
they listened to anything I say anyway?
Well, congratulations, Dad, you were right.
I'm a nothing and I have nothing to offer.
I'm just a...
pretty, empty shell.
I'm pathetic.
Well, what do you have to say now?
Don't look at me.
I said she was pretty.
She came up with "pathetic" all by herself.
Hey. So, uh, have you decided
what you're gonna do about the kids?
Yeah. I'm gonna do exactly what my father did.
Step one-- act like it never happened.
Step two-- drink a beer.
Step three...
repeat step two.
And that's the best you could come up with?
Eh, screw 'em.
Huh? Everything's about those kids.
If they don't like it, too bad, you know.
What are they gonna do to me?
(cry of pain)
Ah...
Ow.
Ooh... ooh.
Can you think of anyone who had a motive?
Well, we do have three kids.
And they all hated him.
He beat them?
No, worse.
He labeled them.
(startled cry)
Hey.
Hey...
How's it going, there, buddy?
What?
I'm sleeping.
Am I grounded from that, too?
What? No. Can't a, can't a dad come
visit his son?
Okay, what do you want?
Look, I-I just, I wanted
to tell you that I went a little crazy before.
Okay, I pressured you by labeling you a winner,
and you could be whoever...
Hey. Hey, I'm not finished.
Wake up.
Anyway, y-you're a great kid, Mike, and you could be
whatever or whoever you want to be. Okay?
Can I be asleep?
Sure.
Sure. Sweet dreams.
Or bad dreams. It's up to you.
No pressure. It's your choice.
Um... also,
you know that thing I said-- I didn't mean it.
You know, I'm glad the condom broke.
So are, are we good?
Yeah, we're good.
Thanks, Dad.
All right. If you'll excuse me,
I gotta go wake up your brother.
When you say things like that, my feelings really get hurt.
Hurt?
Exactly.
And, you know, I know you don't mean
everything that you say,
but that doesn't make it any less painful.
Painful?
Yes. And I'm glad you're finally starting to hear me.
Me?
What?
Nothing. Um, go on.
Oh, great.x-18 News][e:20091231][v:tv][2
He's here again.
You want me to tell him off for you,
or shall we both just give him the finger?
We'll know.
No, just...
Forget it. I'm totally over him.
But I should probably go apologize
for being such a stalker.
Hi. It's me, Hillary.
Again?
Geez, how hot am I?
Pretty damn hot!
Brenda!
Sorry.
Look...
I just want to say I'm sorry for bothering you.
And now that I think about it,
I do get by on my looks,
and maybe I'm not very interesting,
but I'm gonna try to do something about it.
so... thank you, and I won't be bothering you anymore.
Hey, would you like to join me?
This book I'm reading is pretty boring.
I've been feeling the same sentence
for like half an hour.
Wait, you want me to join you?
Well, because that was the first real thing you ever said to me.
You totally spoke from your heart.
Maybe there's more to you than I thought.
Plus, my buddy told me that she's not just hot,
she's smoking hot.
I'm blind-- I'm not an idiot.
Okay.
Maybe I'll sit with you for a minute,
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