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I mean, how are you going to get by in this world, sweetie?
Okay, so you caught me.
You can yell at me all you want
when I get back from Brenda's house tonight.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not going to Brenda's.
Okay, I'm in charge of you, and I'm in charge
of where you go, and you're going to the library
until you're finished with that paper.
The library? Yes.
The "lie-brary," because you're a liar, get it?
Are you trying to punish me with your sense of humor?
'Cause you're not funny.
Ha! Now I know you're lying.
You're smoking?
No.
It's just a little cold in here.
Well, what the hell are you doing smoking?!
What the hell are you doing leaving for work so early?
The hot Puerto Rican chick with the nose ring
works the morning shift at the Java Bean.
What? Don't look at me like that.
Vicky's the one who's smoking!
Look, when I leave for work isn't the point.
The point is, you-you told me that you quit!
I did quit!
But then, you know, I was so stressed out
with the work and kids and...
And then sometimes I want a cigarette so badly,
I have one.
Well, what happened with the nicotine gum?
I'm chewing the gum!
Sweetheart, I work in insurance.
Do you need me to repeat the statistics?
No.
Cigarette smokers are four times more likely
to have coronary heart disease than non-smokers.
The death rate is three times higher
for smokers than non-smokers.
The death rate!
Cancer, cancer, cancer. Blah, blah, blah.
I mean, what if you got sick?
I don't know what I would do if something happened to you.
Would you like a biscotti with that, Papi?
You don't have to call her Mom right away.
(laughs)
Wow, you're really upset about this.
Yeah, I'm upset. I mean, I have feelings, too, you know.
Okay. I know, I know, you're right.
I'll stop, I promise.
Hey, you want to go upstairs and have a quickie?
It'll take my mind off cigarettes.
Sure. Great.
You see, that's a healthy way to deal with an oral fixation.
HILLARY: Uh, D-Dad, Mom,
this is the boy that I'm going out with tonight, Henry Pham.
Nice to meet you, Mr.and Mrs. Gold.
Asian, huh?
Eh-- they're smart, drive slow,
and respect their elders.
I wish Hillary was Asian.
Yeah, well, nice to meet you there, Henry.
You know, Henry got an early admission to M.I.T.
Wow. Maybe you can rub off on Hillary a little.
Yeah, yeah, she means your smarts.
You touch her, I'll go Kamikaze on your ass.
No offense to your people.
No offense.
I'm actually Vietnamese, not Japanese.
Oh, yeah? Well, I was against that whole war.
Hey, did I mention that I was a big fan of the TV show MASH?
That was the Korean War.
Oh!
Henry, that M.I.T.-- they knew what they were doing with you.
Ah-ha!
Dave, I'm begging you, stop talking.
Right.
Oh, that's okay. A lot of people get confused.
Well, you guys have a nice night, have fun,
and, you know, just remember the rules.
Yeah, yeah, I know: "Don't get the AIDS."
Right, and be home by midnight.
Hey, M.I.T., come here, listen--
if you're really smart,
you'll make sure to keep your crouching tiger away
from her hidden dragon, you know what I mean?
Whew.
♪♪
Here's 20 bucks.
My real date's picking me up on the corner. (horn beeping)
Coming!
Oh. Wait.
Is his dad driving you?
No. That's my date.
He's 25, but it's okay.
I told him I'm 21.
I don't mind.
I lied to her, too.
I'm really 33.
Course, in some societies, that's not frowned upon.
Like Ancient Greece.
No, wait-- that was older men and younger boys, but...
the concept is pretty much the same.
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Hmm. Feeling romantic again.
Twice in two days.
Smell you!
Actually, I'm smelling you.
(sniffing)
Checking for smoke.
You're clean!
(clears throat)
I'll have you know
I haven't had a cigarette since yesterday.
Really? That's great.
And-And the, uh, nicotine gum's helping with the cravings?
It's a miracle.
I haven't even thought about smoking.
That's great, sweetie.
I'm-I'm really proud of you.
Are you? Really?
That helps.
Yeah.
I bet you'd help with the cravings, too, wouldn't you?
Mmm.
Mmm!
Mmm.
Mmm.... mm.
(sighs)
Okay, you're going out to the big can.
Mmm! Spearmint!
(groaning)
Okay, come on.
I've been rubbing you for 30 minutes now.
It's my turn.
All right, all right, fine.
All right, all right.
Mom? Dad? Sorry, sweetie.
Uh, can't you see I'm trying to rub your mother's back?
Although, this looks like it's something that can't wait.
What's up?
Garrett just IM'd me, and you know that Henry guy
that Hillary went out with tonight?
Well, he's in Intensive Care.
Oh my God, what happened?!
He O.D.'d on drugs,
and they're pumping his stomach right now.
He O.D.'d on drugs?
But that's impossible.
He's Asian.
Did Garrett say if Hillary was with him? He didn't know.
All right, I'm gonna call Long Island General.
Call her cell. Yeah, yeah, I'm calling.
It's just, she's not picking up.
It's going straight to her voice mail.
I'm gonna call the police. Wait, wait, wait, I got the hospital.
Hi. Um, my daughter, Hillary Gold, was on a date
with a boy who is in your Intensive Care Unit tonight.
Henry Pham.
Yeah. His name is Henry Pham.
Hey.
What's going on?
Hillary's date O.D.'d.
Where is she? Is she okay?
Okay, they have Henry there,
and he's going to be fine. (sighs)
But-But there's no sign of Hillary Gold?
What are we gonna do?! Okay, calm down.
Calm down.
Good night, Henry!
I had a really great time tonight.
Oh, what's that?
No, no, no, you don't need
to-to walk me to the door. I'm already in. Okay.
Good night.
Oh, this is going to be good.
Hi, everyone.
Did you have a nice time with Henry tonight?
Oh, yeah.
He's so sweet and smart.
It was just a fun night.
Oh, that's nice. He's a nice boy.
Did you, uh, make plans to see him again?
Yeah, totally. Tomorrow.
Hmm. Are you sure, honey?
You wouldn't want to O.D. on each other.
Yeah, yeah, maybe you guys should go on a date
in the Intensive Care Unit.
Eat some pudding, share an I.V. drip? Yeah, sure.
Wait. What?
Henry O.D.'d on drugs, Hillary.
He's in the hospital having his stomach pumped!
Oh, my God.
Well, I'd love to stay and chat with you guys,
but I should probably go check on my friend in the hospital,
make sure that he's okay.
No, no, no, no, no. You might be going to the hospital tonight,
but it's not gonna be to visit your druggie friend.
Are you on drugs right now? Are you?
No. I didn't take any drugs.
Although, if I knew this was coming,
maybe I would have considered it.
For your information, uh, I wasn't even with Henry tonight.
Oh.
Oh, you lied, huh?
Well, you said I was a terrible liar.
How am I supposed to get better if I don't practice?
What the hell is going on?
And the next words out of your mouth better be the truth.
Larry, go make some popcorn.
No, I'm good. I've got gum.
It's really good gum.
Henry was a cover date.
Oh, you hear that, Vick?
The drug addict was the cover date.
Who was the real date, his dealer?
I'm-I'm not his dealer.
I make it a policy never to sell drugs to minors.
Dating them is one thing, but, uh,
my God, you got to draw the line somewhere.
No!
He's happens to be a perfectly nice guy.
It's just that he's, um...
a little older.
How much older?
Eighteen? Nineteen?
Twenty?
Twenty-one?
Did I go to high school with him?
No, you know, I knew you'd react this way.
Why do you think I lie all the time?
This is all your fault. Oh.
It's our fault?
Yeah, you still think of me as a child.
I am turning 18 next year.
Hello?
I could be drafted.
I'm practically an adult.
You know what, sweetie? You're right.
You are practically an adult.
You're right.
And that's why I am done.
You do
whatever you want, whenever you want,
with whoever you want
because from now on, if you mess up,
you're your own problem. All right.
I wash my hands of you.
Oh, Daddy-- Eh,
don't talk, don't speak to me.
You see this?
This is the faucet.
You see these?
These are my hands.
My hands that are being washed...
of you!
HILLARY: Okay.
I get it, you're mad.
But I-I didn't break all the rules.
I was home by midnight.
I didn't get AIDS.
Ah, ah, ah, I can't hear you.
I can't hear you, the faucet is too loud.
The faucet with which I am washing my hands...
of you!
Okay.
Fine.
Don't worry, Hillary...
I can be your daddy.
Wait, 33 minus 17...
Oh, I-I actually could be your daddy.
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i don't know i kind of pulled it out of my ass.
But I liked it.
Well, as captivating as your ass is,
I'm not sure we should base our parenting techniques
on things you pull out of it.
Oh, yeah?
Did you see the look on her face?
I mean, after 17 years
of sassy back-talk, she finally didn't know what to say.
That's because it was insane.
I didn't know what to say. I don't know
what to say to you now right.
Also a first.
Look, just hear me out. I mean,
maybe the reason why she fights us all the time
is because we fight back. Yeah.
That's because we're the parents-- that's our job.
Only there are no benefits and no vacations.
Look, but if she didn't have any rules,
maybe it would be no fun for her
to break them. I mean,
if you let me sleep with other women,
maybe I wouldn't be thinking about it all the time.
Huh?
Not all the time.
Not at all.
Bad example.
Huh. So...
what are we supposed to do here? Look, sweetie,
why can't you just support me here,
why-why do you always have to second-guess me?
Oh, oh, honey, I'm not second guessing you,
I'm telling you you're wrong.
Totally different.
Okay, so what do you suggest we do?
Huh? Reason with her?
Yell at her? Ground her?
We've tried all that.
Okay, she keeps mutating
to the point where she's immune to all our tricks.
She's like bacteria.
And what do you do with bacteria?
You wash your hands of it.
Oh, okay, so you're saying we should just give her free range
and she can just run wild?
No, because I don't like that. Sweetie,
just relax, okay, she's probably in her room
right now, crying like a little baby girl.
(singing): I'm free. I'm free.
I can do what I want.
Go wherever I want.
Then why are you in here talking to us?
I'm not talking to you, I'm just being happy in front of you.
Bye, Spazzes.
You know, finally, Hillary is good for something.
She's given me a road map to freedom.
Now all I have to do is something so terrible,
they'll wash their hands of me.
What should I start with?
Setting the house on fire or killing you?
Mmm. I don't know.
I like rules.
They set boundaries and make you feel safe.
Rules are good.
You know what else is good?
This gum.
Dude, seriously, what's up with you and the gum?
I found this gum the other day,
and it's like no other gum in the world.
Let me see this.
Larry, this is nicotine gum. Where'd you find this?
It was on the counter by mom's bag. Yeah, but
why would Mom have nicotine gum?
Unless she smokes.
Well, Who cares? I....
I need this gum.
I need it bad! Really bad.
And if I don't get my hands on some of this gum,
I-I-I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm--
Pull yourself together, Larry, okay.
I've got to find out about Mom smoking.
I can use it against her when I do something bad.
Which I will.
With my road map to freedom,
and all this new info about Mom,
this could be the best night ever.
Wait...
Now it's the best night ever.
I'm going out tonight.
I may come home,
I may not.
Well, I may care, I may not.
No, wait...
I don't care.
Dave, this whole thing is
not helping me quit smoking.
Okay, would you stop.
All right, she just said that
because she wants to get a reaction out of us.
It's not like she's going to actually do anything.
It's like in a movie,
when the bad guy has the hero
right where he wants him, but instead
of killing him, he makes a big speech.
"I could kill you right now, Mr. Bond, but instead,
"I'm going to let you sit here and think about
"the laser that's about to slice off your head.
"But first...
I'm must leave the room for no reason. Ha, ha, ha."
Let me guess, Goldfinger was on last night?
No, for your information, it was Octopussy.
Okay, it was Goldfinger.
I just like saying Octopussy.
Just relax, okay, my plan is working.
Oh, you mean the plan you pulled out of your ass?
Yeah, that one.
Okay, well, keep pulling,
maybe we can get your head out of there.
I can't believe how well this turned out.
I went from being in trouble to being completely free.
God, I wish my parents would wash their hands of me.
They're like all over me.
In fact, wave to them,
'cause there's a camera in that teddy bear over there.
You know, my parents don't even know where I am right now.
How cool is that?
Totally cool.
You're so lucky your parents couldn't care less about you.
Well, I wouldn't say that they couldn't care less.
No, no, no, I mean that in a good way.
You could be dead right now and they wouldn't even notice.
I think my parents would notice if I was dead.
Yeah, but they wouldn't care.
And that's why you're so lucky.
Yeah.
I guess.
Vicky?
Vick?
VICKY: I'm in the shower.
(sniffing)
What? It's the steam.
What are you, like a junkie now?
Yeah, well, it's not like you're perfect.
Why don't you suck down some more Malomars, Tubby?
Okay, I'm going to pretend that was the addiction talking.
What is the matter with you?
Vicky, why can't you quit now?
I mean you quit right away when you were pregnant.
You did quit when you were pregnant, right? Of course.
With Hillary and Larry.
You smoked while you were pregnant with me? What?!
Are you crazy?
What kind of a person
smokes when they're pregnant?
I'll have you know, I'm a very good mother.
Okay, fine, I smoked a little,
but it was only before I found out I was pregnant.
Oh, crap. Not again.
You know what, all these years, Mom,
you've been pinning the blame for me being short
on your tiny Uncle Donny,
that I must have got stuck with the "Donny gene."
When really, you stunted my growth, Mom.
You made me short.
Well, you made me fat.
We're even.
You know what?
I wash my hands of you.
You happy, Puffy?
I know, I know, I should quit,
but I can't right now.
Because ever since you washed your hands of Hillary
and she left here hours ago, and I have no idea where she is,
I'm freaking out.
Oh, please, just take it easy, okay.
It's only 9:30, I'm telling you this is a game
of "Chicken." We wait it out, we're going to win.
Oh, my God.
It's 2:00 in the morning,
where the hell is she? I don't know.
She hasn't called, she's not answering her cell. Yeah,
she could be dead in an alley with her skirt over her head
with the rats gnawing on her feet,
like on CSI-- I hate that show.
Why did you even let me watch it?
I'm not the one who wanted to play "Chicken."
I knew something like this was going to happen.
Well, why didn't you speak up?
How could I have washed my hands?
Why didn't you second guess me?
I did! You convinced me you were right.
Why?
Why now?
I don't know what I'm doing.
You know that better than anyone.
You should've third guessed me.
I know. Now what are we going to do?
I don't know, but I'm not going to stand here.
I'm going to go
bust down every door of every crack house
on Crack Street, and when I find her
if she isn't dead, I'm going to kill her.
Hey, you guys got a light?
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, I'm really jonesing.
You know, I haven't had one of these in about
oh, I don't know, 14 years.
Mike... don't do that all right?
If I ever see you with a cigarette again,
you're going to be grounded for a month.
What? No, no, no, no. Don't-don't you mean,
you're going to wash your hands of me?
No. That doesn't work.
Right now, your sister is God-knows-where,
doing God-knows-what with God-knows-who.
No, she's not. She's in her room.
She's been there since, like, 10:30.
There you are. Oh,
thank God.
What's going on?
Why didn't you tell us you were home?
Well, why should I?
You don't care if I live or die.
You washed your hands of me, remember? Well,
from this moment on, they're unwashed.
And if you ever sneak into this house at 10:30
again, without telling me or your mother
I swear to God I'll...
I'll...
(grunting): Okay.
I'm promise. Just...
stop hugging me, you're freaking me out.
You see? I know what I'm doing.
I don't know why you're always second guessing me.
I don't get it.
We played "Chicken," and we won.
She came home at 10:30 for the first time in her life,
and now you're unwashing your hands?
I have my reasons.
Yeah, and I know what they are.
It's because you can't not care.
You act like this big, tough guy,
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uh, I think they went to bed.
Boy, uh,
you know, you said your dad was a hard-ass, but he
actually seems pretty sweet.
Now, uh, where were we?
Um, just so you know, I don't go all the way.
Oh.
Uh... boy, look at the time.
Um, you know, I got to get going, um,
but I'll, uh, I'll give you a call.
Call you.
I'll definitely call you.
Yeah, in about three years.
Well, maybe two.
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