Seat backs up. Fasten your seat belts.
Let me get your seat back. Fasten your seat belt, sir.
Just more government interference.
Next thing you know, they won't let me have an abortion on the plane.
Okay. I'm glad I could help.
If you just want to close your laptop there.
And then if you just want to turn your phone off. Thanks.
Hey, Larr. What's up with Lewis?
I thought he was coming to Atlanta with us for the trial.
- He left two days earlier. - So, he's there now?
Yeah. He went out with this woman 30 years ago. They broke up.
She lives in Atlanta now, so he's going to see her.
Rekindling? I hope it works out for him.
I'm sure it's gonna work out.
Hey, when we get in the air, I'ma watch your little show Seinfeld.
- Never seen it. - It's about time.
I'll tell you how it is.
I'm not really interested in your opinion.
- Fuck you mean? - I don't consider you a person.
We'll see.
Excuse me, sir?
Someone let me know that your phone is still on.
We need to put that on airplane mode or stow it away.
Who would do something like that?
I'm not gonna disclose that. And your seat belt's off.
- But why won't you tell me? - Why would I tell you?
If there's a squealer on this plane, I'd like to know who it is.
I'm not comfortable flying with a squealer.
You're not comfortable with a squealer, yet you're asking me to squeal?
- That's a different kind of squealing. - It seems like very hypocritical.
I could see on its face that it does seem that way,
but if you examine it, it's really not.
I'm not gonna squeal on the squealer, okay? And let's keep that phone off.
- Sure. Yeah. - Good job. Thank you.
Sir, we need you to buckle up.
- No, no, I just… - I know what you're doing.
Just kind of stay seated, okay?
You tell her that I was on the phone?
How dare you accuse me of squealing?
I'm schlepping all the way to fucking Atlanta to support you,
on my anniversary no less.
It still doesn't mean you couldn't have done it.
I have better things to do than squeal on you.
Well, it's about plane safety. I'm sure you're interested in that.
I don't give a shit.
You tell her about my phone? Was that you?
- You think I did that shit? - Everyone's a suspect.
- You think I'm a fucking snitch? - I don't think you're above it.
- Oh, it's like that? - Yeah, it's like that.
Why would I draw attention when I got my own fucking phone on?
- Your phone's on? - Fuck yeah, my phone is on.
His phone's on! Check it out.
- Come on. Really? - Look at his phone.
You're squealing on someone now?
He's endangering the rest of the passengers.
- It came back on by itself. - Please turn it off.
- He left it on. - And is your phone now off?
- Yes. - Show her your phone. Show it to her.
Oh my God. I thought I turned it off.
That's on. Can you turn that off in airplane mode?
- Thank you so much. - Larry.
- This guy back here. - What?
It flipped on. Why would you do that to me?
Passenger safety.
You're dealing with three very disturbed individuals here.
Everyone, the plane is taxiing.
I need your phones to be off or stowed and seat belts fastened.
Okay.
- That's bullshit. - That's some bullshit.
That's that bullshit.
I watched a few Seinfeld episodes on the plane and shit.
You never told me it was a show about weekly ass.
It's not a show about weekly ass.
Jerry just constantly got ass every week.
You know what I thought it was in the beginning?
I said, "This ain't no fucking TV show. This is more of a fuck documentary."
That's what it felt like. And how you fuck that much, man?
It's like you need, like, extra dicks.
Like you got your own dick, but then you got to have a backup dick.
A dick should be interchangeable.
Like a pair of glasses. It should be like a pair of glasses.
You could put one on in the morning.
Click. Put that motherfucker on.
That way you ain't wearing out your original dick.
Like when a lady say, "more, more", You want more?
I'm gonna take my other dick out my back pocket.
There's our exit.
She won't let me in. Hey, let me in.
- Can we get over? - Hey, can we get in?
- What's wrong with you? - We're trying to get in.
- She's speeding up. - We want to get off the highway.
Are you kidding me? What is with this woman? Won't let us in.
Shit. Fuck you too.
What? I just want to get in.
What kind of person does something like that?
Fuck you!
Thank you.
Mr. David, pulling for you, man.
Appreciate it. Thank you.
Look at you, man. Most popular White man in America right now.
You're gonna have to buy a pack of Kools for the rest of your life.
- Excellent. - I'll be back.
Oh my gosh. Preston! Come here. I am so sorry, sir.
Hey, that's fine. Here you go.
Thank you. Preston, what do we say when we hurt somebody?
- lt's okay. It didn't hurt me at all. - We just talked about this, okay?
We say I'm so…
Sorry.
Please don't help him out. I want him to learn this, okay?
No, no. We're not done yet.
We gotta learn this lesson here 'cause this is a really important lesson.
We don't have to learn the lesson. But I'll tell you what.
If you want me to participate in this lesson,
here's my two cents.
Listen to the man.
I'm 76 years old, and I have never learned a lesson in my entire life.
- You think that's helping? - I do.
That's who we don't want to be like. Okay? Come on, let's go.
The trial of the State of Georgia versus Larry David is underway
with jury selection beginning tomorrow.
Could you put on ESPN, please? Thank you.
Why don't you want to come with us?
We're going to Auntie Rae's restaurant. It's supposed to be great.
I'm sending my love. But I'm here to see, you know, Cynthia.
We're getting along great. In bed, everything is cool.
We're still great lovers. Why are you annoyed?
We don't want to hear that. It's a picture of you…
You don't have to picture me. Picture her.
I'd rather picture my parents naked than you naked.
Don't mention intercourse anymore. A little bit nauseous.
- Hey! - Hey, what's up?
It sounds like you were, like, madly in love.
We were deeply in love.
In fact, so much in love that when I broke up with her,
she attempted suicide.
- Really? - What?
You're telling me that if she can't have you, she'd rather be dead?
I guess so.
Sometimes when you break up with someone to get pity,
they say they attempted suicide, so the person will go back with them.
- It's manipulative. - You're doubting her suicide attempt?
- You think you're suicide material? - Absolutely.
- Richard. - Hi, beautiful.
- Good to see you, baby. - This must be Cynthia.
It sure is.
- Hi. Susie. - Susie, nice to meet you.
- My husband Jeff. - Hi, Jeff.
- Pleasure. - It's a pleasure to meet you.
- And Larry. - That's her.
Larry's over here. Big shot Larry on the news.
- Hello! - And his friend, Leon.
- Hey, how you doing? - Hi. Good, how are you?
- Nice to meet you. - We met earlier today, on 1-85.
I was trying to get over to the exit, and you wouldn't let me in.
- It doesn't sound like me. - Do you have a blue Mercedes?
I do.
But it wasn't me. I wasn't even on 1-85 today.
You weren't on 1-85 today?
I was not on I-85 today.
This is exciting to hear, this Highway Patrol story,
but we're going to go eat dinner and have some time alone.
That's right. Enjoy dinner. Say hello to Auntie Rae.
- It was very nice to meet you. - Thanks for everything.
We got to go. We have a reservation.
I know the Highway Patrol theme. I was singing it.
That's wonderful, Larr.
- If you need anything, let me know. - Thank you.
- Hi, guys. How's it going? - I found Cheryl.
- You just got here? - Yeah.
Want to come to dinner with us? We're going to Auntie Rae's.
- It's going to be delicious. - I'm waiting for Ted.
He's finishing up an interview because he's protesting tomorrow.
- On your behalf. - No, he's protesting on his behalf.
He's not going to stand by and let people be mistreated.
He's not going to stand by off camera and let people be mistreated.
Anyway, we're going to go to dinner after.
Do you know of any good places around here?
- The Mexican place. - She doesn't like Mexican food.
- No? - No.
Well, you go to the left and there's like a million restaurants.
We better go, guys,
because you cannot be late for Auntie Rae.
- See you later, Cher. - Excuse me.
- Why would you say that? - Say what?
That I don't like Mexican food.
Well, you don't like Mexican food.
Don't say it in front of people. I told you that in confidence.
Confidence? I don't know what your problem with it is.
- 'Cause it's personal to me. - No, that's not personal.
Telling people what sexual positions you like, that would be personal.
Just keep it to yourself.
You don't like funnel cake. Is it okay if I tell people that?
Yes.
You didn't like the remake of The Fugitive with Harrison Ford.
- Can I tell people that? - Yes.
I won't tell anybody else that you don't like Mexican food.
Thank you.
- Are you okay? - I am.
I'm not so sure.
She won't let us in. She sped up.
And no doubt that it was her, was it not?
It was her.
She gave us the finger. We gave her the finger.
Terrible person.
You know what? I'm going to say something to him.
Larry, don't be a buttinsky and start telling Richard.
Let him have his illusions, whatever they are. You never learn your lesson.
- I don't learn my lesson? - No, you do not.
When have you ever learned a lesson?
Okay, I'll tell you when.
When I was 19 years old, I was in a bar, I had a drink,
and I looked at the bartender and I said to him,
"Hey, Captain, I'll have another."
And he gave me, like, the dirtiest look,
and I've never called anybody "Captain" since.
Why would you call him "Captain"?
You've never called anybody "Captain"?
Not "Captain". But I did call a motherfucker chief,
and then realized he was a real Indian and shit.
All right, we've got four Rae's Special Salads.
Thank you.
I also brought y'all some extra salad dressing, y'all are gonna love it.
- Y'all need anything else? - I think we're good. Thank you.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Oh, my God, this is so delicious. What is in this? It's so good.
This is the best dressing I've ever had.
It's really good. I agree with you.
Oh, my God. If I had this recipe, I would make salads every day.
I'd be losing weight like crazy.
- Auntie Rae! - Y'all having a good time?
Auntie Rae, this is the best salad dressing I've ever had in my life.
I'm happy that you like it, baby.
And I would love to be able to make it back in LA.
What's the deal? What's in it?
Well, you know, baby, I'm glad you're enjoying it,
but that's one recipe that they can't pull out of me.
- Come on. - No. Even for you, baby, I don't do it.
- That's just the way it is. - Mic drop.
So I'll see y'all in a little bit.
What is in it? It's so fucking good.
Well, well, well, I feel like I won the jury lottery today.
I look around here and I see nothing but good people.
Can envision having you all over on a Sunday after church
for a little barbecue sometime.
Earl Mack, he's good. He's really good.
But the circumstances today call for this question,
who here could see themselves stealing a loaf of bread
in order to feed a hungry stranger?
I ask they're all dismissed for cause.
Dismissed.
Dammit! I wanted some of those jurors.
She was good.
- Defense, you're up. - Thank you, Judge.
Wait. I have some thoughts.
What?
That guy's got a string tie. Let's get rid of him.
No liberal will be caught dead in a string tie.
- Juror number 20. Thank you. - Dismissed.
Not loving 22.
Big hair. Shades of Kellyanne Conway. No good.
Juror 22, dismissed.
Forty. That's a Fox watcher.
Dismissed. Twenty-three.
You see that comb over? He's a self-loathing bald man.
He hates himself, and he hates other bald men. He's got to go.
Juror 23, dismissed.
Members of the jury, there's lots of publicity around this case.
You see the cameras outside, there's intense media scrutiny.
So we're going to have to sequester you.
I know. We'll give you a nice little till, try to make it comfortable.
Sequestering, that's awful.
I would hate to be cooped up like that, I don't think I could take it.
And I'll bet a lot of them cheat on it, too.
This is probably a bad sequesterer among them, don't you think?
Larry, I wouldn't worry about the jury. You're the defendant.
And if you get convicted, you'll be a felon.
Dragnet.
Tomorrow, the lawyers will give their opening arguments.
Court adjourned.
It is day one of the trial of Larry David, the Seinfeld co-creator.
Is that for Larry?
Thank you very much.
How this plays out could have major ramifications for the next election.
Keep it close. Thank you.
- Hi. - Hey, Larry.
- You got that blue Mercedes, huh? - Yeah. Nice car.
Very nice.
That's the exact model of the car that wouldn't let me into the lane.
- And a woman was driving. - But it wasn't me.
What a crazy coincidence.
So, Richard told me that you once contemplated,
dare I say, attempted suicide?
- Richard told you that? - Yes. Yes, we're very close.
I tell him everything. He tells me everything.
Yes, I did, Larry.
Why did you do it? It was the breakup?
It was a very emotional time for me. I was very much in love with him.
Him?
- You're Richard's friend? - Yeah.
And you don't believe anyone could be in love with him?
No.
Have you ever known love, Larry?
Have you ever known the loss of a great love?
I've known love and I've known loss.
2004 Yankees lost the last four games to the hated Red Sox.
Devastated for weeks. Felt like killing myself, actually.
Well, different kind of love, Larry.
And in 1994, of course, when the Rangers won the Cup. Come on!
Doesn't get any better than that.
When Messier lofted that trophy, I thought my heart was going to burst.
Larry, I was in love with Richard.
I made a choice. l was emotionally distraught.
And yes, I did attempt suicide.
How did you do it?
I think you're the first person who has ever asked me that question, Larry.
- Really? - So inappropriate.
You're right. It would be inappropriate
if, in fact, the person actually attempted suicide.
So you're saying you don't believe I attempted suicide?
- How'd you do it? - I don't remember.
Pills! Okay?
What kind of pills?
Pink pills.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.
Okay.
Tell Richard I'll be in the car.
Hey! What are you doing sitting with your back to the door?
Because of my fans. They just swarm all over me.
Really? You're kind of like a Beatle in a way, aren't you?
Can you spread that around?
Cynthia, she's waiting in the car for you.
No, she's going to meet me in here.
No, no, no, I had a little thing with her.
What do you mean?
You know, I asked her about the suicide.
Jesus Christ. The woman tried to hang herself.
- She did? - Yes.
Well, isn't that curious? 'Cause she told me she took pills.
- Well, what's the difference? - What's the difference?
You think somebody would remember how they tried to kill themselves?
Why are you doing this to me again?
You're ruining my potential wives. Ruining my chance to have children.
- What? - I want family.
- How you going to do that? - We'll adopt.
What are you going to adopt? A 40-year-old?
Yeah, a doctor. A doctor and a lawyer.
- Good idea. - Why not?
Why not? Well, you better go out. She's waiting in the car.
You better go out. Oh God!
Okay. You ready?
No.
Larry, care to comment on the trial?
Stop suppressing the vote.
Stop voter suppression!
- Stop suppressing the vote. - Stop voter suppression!
What are you doing?
- I can't sit this one out, Larry. - Really?
Election Integrity Act? It's bullshit. They're stealing votes.
Yeah, you're stealing the spotlight.
By the way, why are you telling everybody
that Cheryl doesn't like Mexican food?
Telling everybody? Are you kidding? I told one person, and so what?
- It's not your story to tell, Larry. - It's not a story.
What's the shame in not liking Mexican food?
- Keep your voice down. - Why is that bad?
- Larry, we gotta go. - Good luck in there.
Hi, Mr. Danson!
- Stop suppressing the vote. - Stop voter suppression!
- Earl. - Morning, Counselor.
Captain.
Oh my God, will you look at this?
No coasters. They want you to respect the law,
but the law doesn't respect wood. You see the irony there?
Hey!
Oh, hey!
All rise. The honorable Judge Whittaker presiding.
Take your seats.
You ready for opening statements?
- I am, Your Honor. - Counselor, you may proceed.
My grandfather told me we are a country of laws.
That's all we are.
You may not like the Election Integrity Act,
but that's not the point.
Larry David broke the law. He's gonna admit that to you
and I'm going to bring up a number of witnesses who are going to show you
a pattern. It's not a very nice pattern.
Because Larry David doesn't respect the law.
He lives outside, unrestrained by the guardrails of human decency.
If we live by Larry David's code, you know what we'd have?
Anarchy. Who'd like anarchy here?
He'd love it because that man wants to burn it all down.
I don't know where he gets that from.
Now we have to dig deep and ask ourselves today
whether or not this man deserves the right to walk freely
among good, decent, respectable people like you and me.
Thank you, Counselor.
- Larry! You're fucked! - Shut the fuck up.
- This motherfucker's good. - Ms. Sanders?
Yes, Judge.
Did Larry David break the law? Of course he did.
And yes, Larry is the one who's on trial here.
But Larry David is not the one who should be on trial.
It is this unconscionable, inhumane law that should be on trial.
You can't give another human being water on a hot day?
The district attorney will say he broke the law.
Case closed. Simple as that.
But what if the law said that Black people have to ride
in the back of the bus?
Or that Jewish people have to wear stars on their clothes?
We know this law is wrong.
Its only purpose is to scare people off from voting.
It is an insult to democracy and it goes against everything
the Bible tells us, what our parents taught us.
Ask yourself this.
What would Jesus do if he saw a line of people sweltering in the heat,
crying out for water?
Would you convict Jesus?
I think we all know the answer to that.
And if you wouldn't convict Jesus,
then you can't convict Larry.
- Thank you. - Thank you, Miss Sanders.
- We got them. - Good job.
Is the state ready to call its first witness?
- The state calls Joe Boccabella. - Who's Joe Boccabella?
Oh my God.
That's not Joe Boccabella. That's a Mocha Joe.
Mr. Boccabella, I understand at one point you were in the coffee business.
Yes, I was. It was called Mocha Joe's. Maybe you heard of it.
- Ever have a problem with anybody? - Not really.
Until one day, Larry David came in.
Could you tell us what happened?
He started complaining my scones were like muffins, too soft.
My tables were wobbly and that my coffee was cold, which it was not.
Objection, Your Honor. Relevance.
Goes to motivation, Your Honor.
- I'll allow it. - And it ended there?
I wish. He came back in,
and he said he was opening up what he called a spite store.
A coffee shop right next door to my store, Mocha Joe's.
He was trying to put me out of business.
This almost sounds fantastical.
It got even worse. I got a call in the middle of the night
that Mocha Joe's was on fire.
When I got there, he was standing there, watching my beans burn.
What did you do?
- He burned my beans! - I didn't burn your beans.
You burned my beans!
Joey Funkhauser started that fire with his big new penis.
Mr. David, shut your mouth or I'll have my bailiff do it for you.
What's he gonna do? Hit me? What are you gonna do?
State would like to call Matsue Takahashi.
Mr. Takahashi, could you please tell the jury what your occupation is?
I own the golf club.
How are Larry David's interactions with the other members?
He's always disgruntled.
And also, he never say "fore" when he hit the ball
One time, he hit a member in the back with the golf ball.
- Oh my God! - Hey! What the fuck?
And I understand there was an incident involving some wildlife at the club.
Oh, yes.
He killed my beautiful black swan, Yoko.
The swan attacked me! It was kill or be killed!
- It was self-defense! - Order!
The state is honored to call Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman.
Lieutenant Colonel Vindman,
I understand you have a long history of uncovering corruption.
I reported President Donald Trump when he was sitting president,
and he attempted to extort in a quid pro quo,
President Zelensky, who is now fighting a war against Russia,
and President Trump ended up being impeached.
I continue to expose corruption wherever I find it,
and I will not tolerate corruption from Trump, Putin or Larry David.
Come on.
Trump, Putin and Larry David. That's an unusual combination.
I overheard Larry David attempting to bribe
a Santa Monica city councilwoman.
It was a perfect call!
Vindman, Takahashi. They fly all the way out here to do that?
They fly to Atlanta? I don't know. What are we gonna do?
This is looking bad.
Well, if I think of something, I'll let you know.
I got to get going. Tomorrow's my anniversary.
And Susie made these big dinner plans for us tonight.
Fancy restaurant. And you know what?
I got to get her a gift. I don't even know what the fuck to get her.
- You just got her a birthday gift. - I know.
She loved that salad dressing.
Couldn't get the recipe from Auntie Rae.
- That'd be a good gift. - Yeah, that's a great gift.
I know, but she's not gonna give it out. She said no.
I'm going to give it a little bit of a try.
Watch a man in action.
Hey there, it's Rae's. How may I help you?
My name is Journey Gunderson.
My wife is in the hospital because of the dressing on your salad.
Oh my goodness!
There are numerous doctors,
and we need to know what's in that dressing.
Mr. Gunderson, we never give that recipe out, sir.
You need to let us know. That's her. She's in so much pain.
The doctors need to know the specific ingredients.
I'm sorry. Mr. McGunderman. is that your wife?
That was Karen Gunderson. She's all catawampus.
- I'm sorry. All kind of what? - Catawampus.
What the heck is Wampus, Mr. Gurneymanonouson?
Hang in there, Karen Gunderson!
Honey, me and your husband, Gurney Germerny,
we gon' to get you better, baby.
Now, listen here. It's a tablespoon of vinegar.
One tablespoon vinegar.
I used three teaspoons of olive oil.
And some clove garlic.
And I use a half a tablespoon of Dijon mustard and a dollop of honey.
What is this?
Auntie Rae's salad dressing.
That is so thoughtful. How'd you get this?
Love finds a way.
- Oh, baby doll! - But wait, there's more.
- More? - Oh, more.
Oh, yeah. Happy anniversary!
- What is this? - It's the recipe!
It's the recipe for the salad dressing!
Oh my God! How did you get the fucking recipe?
This is the best gift you've ever given.
Better than any kind of poem or sonnet.
You're the best husband in the whole world.
What about this young man from Chicago, huh?
I love this. Look at this.
- Hi, Leon. - Look who's here.
- You know what it is. - What?
That motherfucking Seinfeld, man, I've been catching up on that shit.
Binge watching that bullshit, man.
What do you think?
Man, this goddamn Kramer, man. He's too much, man.
Walking in your fucking house unannounced and shit.
You might as well take off the fucking door and put a fucking saloon door.
These motherfuckers just walking in when they want to.
So what's going to happen today? Is it going to be better than yesterday?
Yesterday was a disaster. I mean, a disaster.
Yeah. This judge really has it in for me.
He really does.
- What's it going to be? - I don't know.
- Anything you could do about it? - I don't know.
You know what you need? Sympathy.
Really?
Let me tell you a little story about Horsecock Williams.
This motherfuckers always in trouble. Always in fucking court.
You know what he fucking does?
He'll come in the courtroom in a wheelchair,
and he rolls it in slow and fucking shaking and shit.
Everybody's like, "Oh my God, that poor man."
The judge is touched. The bailiff is touched.
Sketch artist is fucking bawling so bad that the sketch is blurry
and that motherfucker wins.
Every fucking time this motherfucker wins.
He is a sympathy snatcher.
Horsecock is fucking amazing.
He had an idea about getting wheelchair hookers,
put 'em out on the street and shit. You know what I mean?
Have you ever had sex with a woman in a wheelchair? 'Cause I have.
You ever tap some ass on crutches? You ever crutch fuck?
That's like fucking an animal, 'cause the crutches are an extra set of legs.
Shit! Break that ass off, huh?
Wheelchair hookers? There's a market for every fucking thing.
He always had great ideas and shit. Motherfucker's innovative.
Day two of the trial is underway
and it's up to the jury to decide what kind of man Larry David is.
We're expecting even more witnesses from the prosecution.
Free Larry!
Jurors, I want to remind you not to discuss this case with anyone
until deliberations begin.
You'll have an opportunity to deliberate after…
Get your fucking hands off me! I got it! I'm fine.
I'm not helpless.
Oh, my God, look at this. She came! You're here!
- What is going on? - Honey, you came!
Look, look, look, look. Honey is here.
Why didn't you tell me? I would have carried you up the steps.
It's fine.
Such a brave girl. Oh my God, what a surprise!
- Who is that? - Just go with it.
Are you through? May we continue?
I'm sorry, Your Honor. My sweetheart just arrived.
She got hit by a bus a few months ago and she was lying on the ground.
I rushed over, I gave her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation,
and I carried her to my car. Not that easy.
Took her to the hospital. We fell in love
and I moved to Pacoima to be with her.
And look at her, the poor thing. I saved her life.
- Tell him I saved your… - You just told him.
Yeah. We're in love. He's a wonderful man.
The animals…
He works in an animal shelter.
- And the kids… - He works with disabled kids.
He walks in. "Larry's here!" They'd all jump up if they could jump.
All right, enough. Prosecution, you got any more witnesses to call?
Yes, we would like to call witness Rachel Heineman, please.
Could you please state your name for the record?
Rachel Raheli Shuli Hamda Sarala Heineman.
And how do you know the defendant?
I was unfortunate enough to be on a ski lift with the accused,
and for some reason, Hashem decided to stop the ski lift.
Sundown was approaching.
And as a woman, I'm not allowed to be with a man after sundown.
So I informed him…
Somebody's going to have to jump.
To which he said…
What are you, fucking nuts?
And so I was forced to jump 45ft.
I broke both my knees, my ankles.
I put together a little diagram.
I'm still traumatized.
Larry David pissed on a portrait of Jesus Christ in my home.
What?
He tinkled on it. He sprayed Jesus.
And not just a little.
He came to our restaurant. He screamed.
Larry David is a sad senior with long balls and mental issues.
You've seen the big piles of shoes at the Holocaust museum.
What kind of monster takes some of those shoes out of there
and wears them? Who can do that?
What kind of guy is Larry David?
He's the kind of man who carelessly, maybe even maliciously,
had me drink from his glass and gave me COVID.
He gave me COVID.
Ruining the biggest night of my and some of my fans lives.
And he doesn't give a damn. And I still can't smell a fucking thing.
The State would like to call Tara Michaelson.
- Who is that? - I don't know.
Miss Michaelson, how many years of therapy have you had?
I started therapy when I was about nine, so 21 years.
And is there one particular incident?
When I was about eight years old, I went with my parents
to a movie premiere, and right before the movie started,
I went by myself to the women's restroom
and I found Larry standing there.
- Hello. - Thank you for fixing Judy's hair.
You're welcome.
He gave me a hug.
Mommy! That bald man's in the bathroom,
and there's something hard in his pants.
Thank you, Miss Michaelson.
I believe the prosecution rests, Your Honor.
The defense wanna call their first witness, please?
Yes, Your honor. I'd like to call Rae Black.
That's my auntie right there. She carries candy in her bra.
If we're all lucky, we're gonna get some of that titty taffy.
I'm so glad she's here. So far, it's been a disaster.
It was supposed to be so easy. Now it's all gone catawampus.
What was that?
What is happening?
Mrs. Black, Larry David gave you water on that hot day,
but it's not the first time he took care of you.
He took you and your family in after Hurricane Katrina.
Well, his wife did.
But you did live with him for quite some time.
It's true. Long enough for him to use the n-word around me.
He did do that.
And long enough for him to hug me and have a hard-on, an erection.
We don't need to talk about that.
And the last time I saw him, he was carting around a Black lawn jockey.
- Move to strike, Your Honor. - No, no, no, that's her witness.
Denied. It's your witness. You're stuck with the answer she gives.
Why is she doing this to you, Larr?
- And another thing! - No, no! No further questions.
- Thank you, Miss Sanders. - What the hell?
You sons of bitches. It was you.
I know it was you, Bernie Bonderman and you,
Karen Bonderman, trying to steal my recipe.
- How could you? - You stole that recipe, Jeff?
You stole the recipe?
Fuck you, Larry David! And fuck your monkey-ass friend.
Miss Black, I will have order in this court!
You know what? Fuck it!
You lying piece of shit, Jeff.
That is the lowest form of anything I've ever heard.
Stealing a fucking anniversary gift.
Take that recipe, Jeff, and shove it up your fat fucking ass.
Oh my God. She's walking!
It's a miracle. Look, it's just a miracle!
How did she do it? I can't even believe it.
Order! Mr. David!
- She's walking. - That's enough, Mr. David.
Pick this up tomorrow. This day is over.
Massive protests outside the Atlanta courthouse today,
including multiple Emmy winning actor Ted Danson.
Freedom to vote.
Maybe Ted Danson gives a damn about democracy.
That's why people love him. That's why people respect him.
Mika, that's why the guy's my hero.
Yeah, he's an amazing actor.
Don't touch the hair.
What if Ted Danson had given that woman in the line water
instead of Larry David? I think everything would be different, right?
- Hey, you made it. - Look at you. Oh my God.
It's a bottle of water. I mean, it's not your fault.
Pure, decent human being is all you're trying to be.
Let that be a lesson to me.
So how are you getting through this? You're sitting in court all day?
- Yeah. - What do you think about?
- Let me give you a hypothetical. - Okay.
Suppose you're friends with someone who's in the circus.
He knows the bearded lady very well.
And you go to the performance at The Garden and he says:
"Hey, the bearded lady's having a little shindig."
"Why don't you join us?"
You go to the bearded lady's apartment. It's a normal apartment.
- Nothing freakish. - No, nothing freakish at all.
You wouldn't know you were in a freak's apartment.
Now you see this picture. This gorgeous woman.
And your friend says to you, "That's the bearded lady."
- She has no beard. - Clean shaven, bearded lady.
She's quitting the circus. She's got a big crush on you.
Really?
She'd love to go out with you. She's gonna start shaving.
But at the party when we're there, she's got the beard on?
- She's got the beard on. - Rabbinical?
Very rabbinical.
- Any interest? - She's sexy, charming?
Got it all. The kind of woman you used to dream about
when you were a teenager.
Fly in the ointment, though.
And this is a big fly. And he's alive.
What's the worst that could happen?
The worst that could happen is it's a paper napkin,
and she wipes her mouth, and some part of it snags.
Is there a Fred Flintstone kind of line?
No, there's no line. She gets a good shave.
- Electric or blade? - Blade. She shaves every day.
But at the end of the day, she's five o'clock shadow lady.
She'll shave twice a day for you.
What if I happen to be home at 4:30? Guess who's on the ledge.
Today, Larry David will take the stand,
and he will get a chance to explain his motivations on Election Day
…defend himself from the accusations hurled at him by yesterday's witnesses.
Larry David murdered a black swan
and stole shoes from the Holocaust Museum.
Mr. David has got his work cut out for him.
The picture that's been painted by the prosecution so far
is that of a petty, conniving and, frankly, spiteful man.
And how hot was it that day?
It was a scorcher, even I was sweating.
And I don't sweat. It's the craziest thing.
Like, I could be playing basketball in the summer, I won't sweat.
You know, occasionally for some reason,
I'll sweat during intercourse sometimes, which is odd.
All of a sudden, "I'm sweating", you know?
And how long was the line to vote?
It was really long. All those people having to wait in the hot sun.
No trees, no grass.
And was there any shade?
No shade.
I know I speak for Miss Black and all of us when I say
thank you for your actions.
God bless you and may God bless us all.
Thank you, Miss Sanders. Prosecution, you got a cross?
- Yes, Your Honor. - Proceed.
Let's talk about laws, Mr. David. Do you ever remember taking
anything that didn't belong to you? You ever remember stealing anything?
- No. - No?
You don't remember taking flowers from a dead woman's memorial?
That? Well…
Do you remember taking a golf club out of a coffin?
It was my five wood.
You pried the club out of a dead man's hand.
When you get attached to a club, you don't want to give it up,
even if it's in a coffin.
Well, that was that five wood for me.
Did you ever bribe a city councilman?
Do you remember breaking into the house
of the head of the city council in order to take a letter
from Mr. Vindman that incriminated you?
Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David undermines our free and fair elections.
He is exactly who the Election Integrity Act was built to protect us from.
- Objection, Your Honor. - Overruled.
- Really? - Yeah.
Let's go back to the year 2000. If we could, please.
Larry David, this is from the Los Angeles Times.
It's an obituary written by you.
Could you read it to the jury, please, sir?
"Devoted sister, beloved cunt."
It's a typo. Don't you see?
It's a typo.
The fact is, I've heard that she actually was a bit of a cunt,
but that's still no excuse to put that in a newspaper.
I have no further questions.
Thank you, Counselor.
I've talked to Larry about Seinfeld and shit.
So my question is, where the fuck are the tapes at?
- Tapes? - Larry won't give the tapes up.
- What tapes? - The fuck tapes.
- You know what I'm talking about. - No, I don't.
Every week you getting new ass, right?
Every fucking show you meet some new chick.
And I know you fucking. You gotta be fucking people.
I did. I had them all. And it's all on tape.
- I don't know how you knew. - I figured that shit out.
But they're on laser disc. Do you have a player?
- Fuck me, man. - Sorry.
- No way to convert that shit? - No, that's a shame.
- It's 13 unbelievable hours. - What a fucking waste, man.
I might sell to Netflix.
But it doesn't change the fact that this law is unconstitutional.
Yes, Larry David did a lot of things wrong.
But this time, he did something right.
And now, you have the opportunity to do something right too.
Thank you.
Thank you, Counselor. Mr. Mack.
Yes, Your Honor.
I know some of you may not like this law, but he broke it.
And this is an incredible opportunity to put away somebody
before they hurt other good people.
We are just scratching the surface of the depths
that this monster will go to.
There's a police report that exists,
stating that Larry David would not give candy to children on Halloween.
- I don't think so. - Asshole!
He broke into a graveyard to move his mother's body.
This is nice.
He brought a sex offender to a Passover seder.
He ate a dying dog's last meal.
That is really good.
And he fornicated with a blow up doll in broad daylight.
Oh, my God!
I made you a pillow sham.
He taught a child how to make a swastika.
- What was his name again, Larry? - Hitler.
Get in the car.
He hired a prostitute so that he could drive in the carpool lane.
I had sex with my uncle.
And he pretended to be an incest survivor named Todd.
This man was asked to go to a dinner and just be cordial.
And he couldn't even do that, folks. He couldn't even be cordial.
Good people, you have one decision to make.
I trust you'll make the right one.
Thank you, Mr. Mack. Jury will now begin their deliberations.
All rise.
Court is adjourned.
How you feeling?
Confident.
Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld. Oh my word.
Sorry, man. Can I have two seconds of your time, please?
I can't. I'm having dinner with my friends.
My name is Michael Fouchay. I'm actually a legitimate businessman.
I run Fouchay Enterprises. You might have heard of us
I have not. South African?
- Yes. - Yeah, I like that accent.
- I'm amazed you recognize it. - I think accents are moronic.
Why don't you talk the way we talk? You're here. You can hear it.
Listen, my brother's having a birthday. He's turning 40.
I've got a lovely house up the hill.
And no one ever turned 40 before. Yeah, go ahead.
You come, you smile, take a few photos, shake a few hands.
- Just be cordial. - Yeah. Can't do it.
- Why not? - Can't be cordial.
Excuse me. No, I'm so sorry.
You look a lot like Joe Pesci. Anybody ever tell you that?
Really? You think I'm fucking funny? You think I'm a clown?
Am I here to make you fucking laugh?
That's what he says in the…
The jury has reached a verdict
in the trial of the people of the state of Georgia versus Larry David.
It's not about what this man has done
or the poor decisions he's made in the past.
It is about this heinous and needlessly cruel law.
- You're here? - Hey, L.D.
Don't worry. I broke up with Cynthia.
Geez. Really? That's too bad.
Yeah, well, I'm a little worried. She bought a gun.
- She's going to kill herself? - No, you.
That's funny.
It's not a joke.
Hey, man. I binged all those Seinfeld episodes.
All I got left is the fucking finale.
Although, I heard some terrible things about it. I heard you fucked it up.
- All rise. - Good luck today, man.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
We have, Your Honor.
I don't understand. Why does the judge have to peek at it?
I got to see it and then you go back.
- This makes no sense. - They can't make two copies?
On the charge of violating the Election Integrity Act,
how do you find the defendant?
We find the defendant guilty.
Mr. David, seems you have a history of doing the same things wrong
over and over, and I truly hope this time you finally learned your lesson.
And to make sure of that, I'm going to sentence you
the maximum the law allows. One year in prison.
What? Come on. Seriously?
Larry, look. When you get there, get a job at the library.
No, I think the infirmary.
Maybe something in reception. Hello? Jail. Can I help you?
Bailiff, take Mr. David into custody.
Hey, Larr, don't worry.
I'm gonna take real, real good care of that house of ours.
Bye, Lar!
Let me ask you something. What do you do about toothpaste
and shaving cream and Q-tips?
Is there a store or is it like a hotel where they just leave it out for you?
And can I bring my own toilet paper?
And my phone charger. Leon, I need my phone charger.
- You don't got a charger. - I loaned it to you.
- I gave it back! - Bullshit! That's my charger.
I should probably go do some interviews.
Where should we eat?
Hey, look at this.
That happens to me too. Hey, what do you call that?
- It's a pants tent. - Pants tent?
Yeah, I got a five inch bunch up here.
You know something? I stopped wearing corduroys because of that.
Yeah, I'm wearing corduroys now. Yeah, and women,
they don't know what a pants tent is.
It could lead to misunderstandings. They get confused.
Somebody's here to see you.
All right, Chuckles, let's get you out of here.
What? What are you talking about?
- It's over. - It's over?
- You're a free man. - I'm a free man?
- How am I a free man? - I'll tell you how.
You know that Mexican restaurant near the hotel?
I go there to get something to eat. I don't even like Mexican food.
That's okay. I won't tell anybody.
What do I care?
- Well, some people care. - Really?
Yeah.
Anyway, there's this guy there, looks like Joe Pesci.
So I go up to him, talking to him, I go,
"You really look like Pesci from Goodfellas."
He goes, "what am I, a clown for you?" I go, "That was a Pesci line."
And he doesn't like that too much.
Anyway, today in the courtroom, I look in the jury box.
That's that guy. Same guy. The hair. Pesci.
That's the guy in the jury. I know that guy. With the big pompadour.
He's not supposed to be in a Mexican restaurant
because he's under sequester.
- He broke a sequester? - Broke a sequester.
He's supposed to sequester. He's a bad sequesterer.
You can't just not sequester when you're supposed to sequester.
I tell the judge. Judge calls the restaurant.
They look at the security footage.
Mistrial declared, sentence thrown out.
You're done. How about that, sport fans?
Well, you know what? Come on! You're crazy.
You don't want to end up like this. Nobody wants to see it. Trust me.
Breathe the free air, young man.
Oh my God.
This is how we should have ended the finale.
Oh my God, you're right! How did we not think of that?
Like that one.
- Handcuffs look tight on that one. - Did they hurt? No?
- What is that? - I need it for the light.
I'm trying to read, I can't see. You're blinding me.
- I need it to read. - Why don't you use the overhead light?
Just let her keep the shade up.
I'm trying to watch a movie. All I see is glare.
It's like watching the fucking radio right now.
- My retinas are burning. - This is bullshit!
- Cheryl and I want it open. - It's a community shade.
- Go fuck yourself, Larr! - Let's have a vote.
Go back to fucking jail, Larry!