CHAD: Mom... ?
Yeah?
What the hell is all this blush for?
That's eye shadow, Chad.
Call it whatever you want,
but the blush, the bare shoulders...
I don't like how pretty you look.
Where are you going?
Book club. I told you this morning, remember?
So you're telling me you painted your face
to look like a Persian Geisha
just to go talk to your little friends about some books?
Yep. Call me if you need anything, sweetie.
Just one more question, Mom.
If you're going to a book club,
then where's your goddamn book?
♪
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -
You're not gonna like this,
but I have some big-ass news for you...
Mom's on a date right now.
No shit. She's been going on dates for a while.
- What? With who? - I don't know.
Wow, I honestly can't believe you didn't realize.
I mean, she's been wearing push-up bras
and getting blowouts for a month now.
Yeah, well, sorry I'm not
monitoring my own mother's chest, Niki.
Hamid, you're technically an adult.
What do you know?
- Mm. - Mm?
Pfft. Mm.
What are these sounds, Hamid?
The sounds of no knowledge.
- Nothing? - Nada.
Zip. Zero. Zilch.
- Zilch? - Zilch.
Hmm. Hmm.
Well, wh... Well, what are you doing?
Why are you lying to me?
- I'm not lying. - [CHUCKLES]
Then what's so funny?
You giggle when you're nervous.
What? No, man. I'm chill.
Chill as AF.
I don't like being lied to, Hamid.
I don't like it one goddamn bit.
Okay, this is weird. I'm out.
Niki, sit your ass down!
- Nah. - Please stay.
Come on, big guy.
- Hi. - It's me... Chaddy joon.
Your favorite little almost son.
We tell each other everything, right?
Our hopes, our dreams...
Oh, shit, I'm cracking.
Who is it?
PTA meeting.
What now?
It's someone from a PTA meeting.
I think it's a teacher. That's all she would tell me.
Shit, I said it.
[SIGHS]
Hamid, be proud of yourself.
- You gave it your best. - Yeah.
To be honest, I kinda can't believe
I got you to squeal so quickly.
- [BELL RINGS] - Mm.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
- Uh, hey, Reid, what's up? - Hey, hey.
How crazy is this wind we've been having?
Uh, yeah, it's been... it's been windy.
All right, you got me.
The wind comment was bullshit.
I was just saying that to start a conversation.
Are we cool?
I don't know, man.
Well, s... I... Shit.
I have a lead on your mother's lover.
Jesus Christ, Peter... announce yourself.
- Hi. - Hi.
I have a lead on your mother's lover.
- Let's hear it. - Mr. Hanson, biology.
Rumor has it he had an all-out orgy
with some of the elderly crossing guards
- behind the soccer nets. - A sex orgy?
There's only one kind of orgy, but, yeah.
But what does that have to do with my mother?
Nothing, hopefully.
It's just some information I picked up along the way.
Oh, my God. I'm freaking out right now.
My mom's dating a friggin' teacher?
It's disgusting.
I mean, no one's more supportive of educators than me,
but they just should not
be romantically involved with people.
Chad, look.
Isn't that your mom with Charles?
Charles?
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
♪
[GASPS]
What's for lunch, Charles?
Chad, Jesus Christ.
I bet you've worked up quite the little appetite, haven't you?
What are you talking about?
I know about you and my mother.
I saw you guys canoodling in the hallway
like a couple of freakin' horny divorcées.
Oh, my God.
This is so funny. No.
Chad, I was talking to your mom
because Mrs. Goodman was worried
that geometry might be too tough for you to handle.
Wait. Why? Did your mom say something about me?
Chad?
I'm in a relationship, but I'm totally willing
to end it for her if she said there was a vibe.
Did she say there was a vibe?
My thing is very fluid.
Did you get a new jacket?
- Oh, yeah. - Why didn't you tell me?
- Oh, um, I'm sorry. - No, that's okay.
I just like knowing when you're getting a new jacket.
That's totally fair.
All right.
Okay, her Fitbit says we're close.
So, yeah, we pretty much just need to find her
in one of these 45 houses.
Well, her car's parked in that driveway, and...
Oh, my God. My mom's dating Reid?
♪
So, obviously, this isn't how we wanted to tell you, but...
Here we are.
I'm dating Alan.
Who is Reid's dad.
This is your friggin' dad.
He looks like a supermodel.
It's great to meet you, Chad.
I've heard a lot about you.
Wow. That is incredible.
Reid, did you know about these two?
Uh, yeah.
And you were just holding out on me?
Uh, I just figured telling you would be like a whole thing.
Yeah, totally.
W-What would be a whole thing?
I mean, you're just, like,
kind of the most, like, specific kid in school.
Thank you.
Sweet.
Hey, Reid, do you have a twin-size bed,
a double bed, or bunk beds?
- What's your bed situation here? - What?
In case I spend the night since our parents are dating.
Chad, I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves.
You're right. Why don't we start with dinner?
Can you guys come over for dinner this weekend?
How do you feel about rising-crust
thick-ass Tombstone pizzas?
Who doesn't like pizza?
- [LAUGHS] - [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Peter.
Yeah?
Reid's dad.
Hi.
All right.
Well, I obviously don't want to get ahead of myself,
because who knows what will happen
with the two of your guys' relationship.
And I've been told to curb a lot of my instincts
and only say a third of the things I want to say, so...
I will just say that, yeah, basically,
I love you, new dad, and let's see how it goes.
Guys, I'm really worried about this penne.
It looks a little bit wet.
Chad, I haven't even strained it yet.
- It's not gonna be wet. - Oh, thank God.
Hey, Hamid, how do I look?
- Be real with me. - So handsome.
You're sure I don't look like
the wait staff of a Korean barbecue?
No, you look like the frickin' manager of the Korean barbecue.
What the shit are you wearing?
I'd ask you the exact same thing.
You look like the ghost of a child
who passed from scarlet fever!
- Mom, please do something about this. - [DOORBELL RINGS]
Chad, your sister looks adorable.
She looks like she's wearing straight-up napkins!
Niki, go change.
Mom, please do not answer that door yet.
- We're not ready. - Chad...
Just don't answer it until Niki changes her outfit!
This is embarrassing! Mm!
Hi! Welcome.
Hi. Wow.
You look great.
Thank you.
Hey, bud.
Hey.
Chad, can you put these in some water, honey?
Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
Niki, put... can you put these in water, honey?
Sick top, Niki.
Thanks, Reid.
She looks like Harry Styles.
Alan, tell them the Spain story.
- It's my favorite. - Oh.
So I was headed to Barcelona for work,
which is just an incredible city.
- Have you been? - Oh, no.
No, "Grand Theft Auto" hasn't been there yet,
so it's not on my radar.
Well, I had a day off,
and I find myself on this really beautiful course.
Just these gorgeous views of the Montserrat mountains.
- Oh. - I'm on the ninth hole,
and the caddy starts freaking out.
Now, I don't speak a word of Spanish,
so you can imagine that I'm just like,
"What are you yelling at me about?"
Like, you don't yell on a golf course.
Dad, maybe stop talking about golf because nobody else cares.
- Oh. - Oh, my God, Reid,
just fully roasting your dad in front of everyone.
Reid, come on.
What is this vibe?
I like it, though.
Should the three of us play golf sometime?
Oh, yeah. Can I be the caddy?
I'm not totally sure what the caddy does,
but I feel like I could really do it.
I mean, really do it.
Hamid, the position is yours.
- Yes! - And I would love to, bud.
This'll be so much fun!
- Yeah. - His name isn't "bud." It's Chad.
Chad Armani. He's from Iraq.
Oh, um, it's Amani.
And we're technically from Iran, but...
you were pretty close, and that honestly means a lot to me, Reid.
Okay, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Um, where's the bathroom?
- Down the hall to the left. - Down the hall and to the...
left.
Oh, my God. Reid's just wandering loose in our house right now.
I'm sorry, everyone. I should go talk to him.
Oh, no! Big A, let me do it.
Sit down and enjoy my mom.
Okay? Feels like a brother thing.
♪
Oh, my God. He's in my room.
♪
[CHUCKLES]
Just full-out chillin' in my room.
I love it. Make yourself comfy cozy.
Not in a million years did I totally envision this.
Yeah, Chad, I am in your room.
Wow. Glad I tidied it up.
Look, I don't know what my mom did to upset you,
but whatever it is, I'll talk to her about it.
She can learn. Just tell me.
Chad, it has nothing to do with your mom.
Well, then, what's the issue, bro?
Hit me with it.
Uh, actually, Chad, I don't know if you're the person
I want to talk to about this.
Well, actually, Reid, I'm not totally sure you have a choice.
'Cause it's the two of us in here,
and you're clearly upset about something.
So what is it?
All right. Screw it.
Um, my dad...
had an affair.
He cheated on my mom with a lady from a frickin' wine store.
God, that's a lot to process
before even asking how my mom plays into it.
Yeah, well, she doesn't.
Grown-ups and their goddamn wine.
It's like some kind of sex juice.
Mm.
So maybe it's not entirely his fault.
No, I think it's entirely his fault.
Oof.
I'm so sorry, man.
Thank you. Thank you.
It's actually kind of good to talk about it.
Um, I've been having these crazy dreams where...
um, I go to the wine store and I... I tell the lady off.
But my therapist says that I lack closure.
- Mm-hmm. - I'm not getting enough of it or any at all.
Definitely a problem.
So, um, are you taking a photo of me?
Uh...
- No. - Mm.
I am actually
quickly taking a photo of the wall behind you.
Okay, you're taking a photo of the wall in your own bedroom.
- Sure. - Yes, I am.
- All right. I'm probably gonna go back. - Yeah, let's go back.
- Okay. - Not a bad idea.
Great job making that dinner, Mom.
You have my full support in blending our families.
- Do it! - [SIGHS]
Do it yesterday.
I'm happy you enjoyed it, Chad.
I really did. I mean, at one point,
Reid was just sitting in my bedroom.
That sweet little ginger cracked his heart open to me,
and I did not disappoint.
He shared a little secret, and I swore I'd never repeat it,
so I'm not going to.
But please know that it's crazy.
He's weirdly vulnerable.
So, yeah, when are we gonna do all of that again?
Chad, honey, I don't think we're gonna be scheduling
any more dinners for a little bit.
What? Why?
Alan and I have decided to pump the brakes for the time being.
Why did you let me just go on and on
about how much I enjoyed that experience?
Honey, Reid just isn't ready for his dad
to be in a new relationship.
Well, since when are we letting the children run the show?
Come on, Mom. Reid just needs a little help getting there.
Look, I am not saying it's over.
I just don't think it's a good idea
for everyone to keep hanging out as one big family.
But if Reid was okay with it,
then we could all go back to hanging out?
No, I'm just... Chad...
[SIGHS] please don't do anything.
- Okay. - Okay.
Then I'll just totally stay out of it,
and we'll see what happens organically.
♪
Psst.
Reid, get in the car!
Wait. Aren't you Chad's older brother?
I wish.
Do what the man says.
Chad, this is weird.
We're going to see her, Reid.
What? Who?
The horny wine woman who ruined your family.
No, Chad, I'm not doing that.
You're never gonna get the closure you want
if you don't confront her.
So you tell me... you want to keep dreaming
about confronting your father's sex mistress,
or are you ready to turn that dream into a reality?
Let's ride, Reid.
All right, there she is.
There's the extra-marital woman. Let's do this.
I don't know if this is a good idea.
I believe in you, buddy.
We just gotta go in there and confront her.
Okay? Clear eyes, long eyes don't lose.
Let's go. Come on.
Giddyup!
♪
Yummy. I love this vineyard.
Okay, she's off of us.
Okay, dude, what's the plan?
The plan is, we're here, and let's shoot from the hip
and see where the bodies land.
Hello.
We're here for a nice bottle of "closure."
You sell any of that?
Is that the full name of the bottle?
Closure. Right, Reid?
Why are you so far away?
Oh, my God.
Reid... you're Alan's son.
- Does he know that you're here? - No.
But since you know him so well, why don't you tell him?
- Oh, shit. - Okay.
I think you two should leave.
I'm not leaving until you tell me why you had an affair with my father.
Jesus Christ.
- Boom. - You know what?
You have no clue how hard it was on me.
How hard it was on you? What about how hard it was for me?
- Yes! - My... My... My whole family?
- What are you talking about? - Tell her.
You're right. And I'm sorry.
Um...
It's just that, it wasn't exactly
like a picnic for me, you know?
I mean, when I met your dad,
I was in a really dark place.
I was struggling.
I was drinking... a lot. I mean...
I mean, if that wasn't enough,
my grandpa was in his third back-to-back UTI.
- That old story. - What the hell?
When I met Alan, I thought he was just gonna swoop in
and solve all my problems. But he couldn't.
Because they never can.
- Think we should bounce. - No, let her keep going.
It's because I'm an empath.
I'm an empath, and I started to take on all of Alan's stress.
Next thing I know, I'm spiraling.
And then my entire life is now defined by an online video of me
screaming in the face of a Latinx Subway employee.
So, yeah. Ugh.
Adult relationships are messy.
Um, okay.
Well, all of that aside, you... you still knew he was married.
Yes. I did.
But your dad was profoundly unhappy.
And I know you're really mad right now,
but you have to know your dad is a good guy.
I mean, that's... that's why I fell in love with him.
That's...
That's why I'm still in love with him.
Damn, this is a lot to process.
- Speak on it, king. - I mean, come to think of it, you know,
he is happier after the divorce, and...
so is my mom.
We did it, you guys.
Really great work.
Let's go.
Come on.
Sorry about your grandpa's penis.
♪
That was insane,
but, um, I guess it kinda worked out.
Look at us.
Who would have ever thought we'd be brothers?
But you know what?
I did.
La familia!
What are you doing?! I know my rights!
I am not... Look at it! Look at it!
Oh, Mom.
Well, I hope Alan's hungry,
because you look like a whole damn snack tonight.
Okay.
Thanks.
Honey, um, I hate to have to tell you this,
but Alan and I broke up.
- For good this time. - What?! Why?
Reid's finally ready!
I don't really know the full story.
Apparently, Alan got back together with his ex.
Not his wife.
The one that came after.
I guess Reid ran into her or something?
Oh, my God, Mom, I mean this with the utmost respect.
Are you shitting my ass right now?!
Listen,
Alan wasn't the right fit.
God knows we've been here before.
But I'm pushing myself back out there.
And, honey, I... I wanna be honest with you this time.
You actually know this person, too.
Is it Reid?
♪
- CHARLES: Naz, hi! - Hi!
Oh, sorry I'm 15 minutes early.
Um, I was even earlier
but I was just standing out on the porch.
And then I was like, "This is weird.
Why am I doing this? Just get out of your head, Charles.
Ring the bell." You know...
Hey, bud!
Did he tell you this was his idea?
Oh, my God.
Chad, this is your house.
Charles.
And I'm... I'm in it.
♪
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -