[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
[DOOR CLICKS]
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Just give me two seconds to get out
my notebook for the handoff status report,
and I'll get you on your way.
Julia, you may keep your notebook
very deep in that body bag of a satchel you have there.
My update is short.
Right now, your daughter is in her room on her phone.
Her brother is in his room on his phone,
as they have been for 96% of my week with them.
Anything fun planned for the week?
Father and son fishing trip.
So no.
Well, I don't want to keep you from fishing or leaving,
so I'll see you next week.
Hey. Guys, how's it going?
- Hey. - Hey, Trey.
What do you say?
[CHUCKLES]
Fancy looking luggage.
What'd something like that run you?
About $3,300.
Did it come with $3,200 inside it?
Practicing your dad jokes, Jim?
Yes, I am.
Keep practicing.
Trey's rolling luggage in.
I didn't even realize he was sleeping here now.
Big development.
Very peaceful and easy-going of you, son.
You're like Gandhi.
Yeah, if Gandhi's ex-wife had her boyfriend
stay over with her and Gandhi's kids
without asking Gandhi first.
So you didn't know about this.
You're simmering.
This is what it was like when Gandhi realized what
the English were really up to.
He got mad.
How long do you think this fight with Julia's gonna take?
There's not gonna be a fight.
- Want me to order something for you? - There's not gonna be a fight.
Turkey burger? No onions?
Diet Coke?
Regular Coke.
♪ It's true ♪
♪ The marriage that we once had now is through ♪
♪ And now we're doing all that we can do ♪
♪ To keep us all together as a crew ♪
♪ Trust, do as we say, not as we do ♪
♪ We really thought that we were done ♪
♪ But we've just begun ♪
Don't think I don't know what you think I don't know.
I don't know what you think you know that I know.
I'm talking about you trying to sneak Trey in here
- to spend the night. - Sneak?
He just walked through the front door
with a gigantic titanium suitcase.
Hiding in plain sight.
Dude, come on. He's my fiancé now.
We're more or less married.
Yeah, you're less married.
You know when you'll be more married?
When you're married.
And when you're married, he can stay over.
- That's the rule we agreed to. - Come on.
Stop being such a prude.
You slept over at my apartment before we got married.
Yeah, because we didn't have children.
The only people we were corrupting was us.
Look, when we started this whole nest thing, we were deliberate.
We wrote at a constitution... at your insistence,
by the way... article nine of which is,
no romantic interest may spend the night
without a full family vote and written consent.
Trey is not a romantic interest.
He's my fiancé.
For your sake, I hope that came out wrong.
And for the sake of all the time
we spent debating and deliberating and mutually
concluding, I must lower my foot down as one
does in such a circumstance.
What's the problem?
Why do you always assume there's a problem?
Because there's always a problem.
There's no problem.
I stand corrected.
The problem is when two people
have kids, get divorced, you can't just do whatever you want.
Because feelings get hurt.
You have to foresee potential pitfalls
and agree on certain guardrails and document it
and ratify it and notarize
what has been agreed upon.
What's he waving?
- He's miming waving a document. - Ah.
I don't have to mime it because I have it.
Follow me, please.
Do we have to follow him?
Yes, you have to follow me.
Behold. The Kearney Family Constitution,
which codifies the fundamental laws of the nest,
itemized and laminated, not unlike what
Moses did with Yahweh's Ten Commandments.
Why am I just finding out about this now?
You don't know about Moses?
Ah, where to begin.
As a baby, he was placed in a basket in the river Euphrates.
I think you mean the Nile.
If you knew, why'd you ask me?
The agreement's been in the drawer since the day we wrote it.
And everything's been working fine.
Because our laws have been observed and not flouted.
Julia, would you please read article nine aloud to your lover?
"Neither parent shall have a third party stay overnight
- in the nest while the..." - Whilst.
Whilst.
"Whilst the children are present
without express written consent from the other parent."
I am looking high and low for my express written consent,
and I am finding no expression, no writing, and certainly no consent.
I don't get it. What's the big deal?
Julia and I sleep at my place all the time.
Yeah, because your place is hopefully a den of premarital sin.
But the nest is a place where, since our divorce,
Julia and I have tried to give our kids the false impression
that nothing has changed.
And whilst you mock our constitution,
it was Julia who fought especially hard
for the permission clause.
Because I wanted to protect the kids
from anyone who would, if I'm being truthful,
sleep with you.
Shows what you know.
I haven't slept with anybody. Ha!
Bottom line, it's up to the kids.
Hey, kids, we need you.
Okay. Okay. You're right, you're right.
I know, Trey. It's a lot to absorb.
Phones down.
That is technically down.
Kids, we are thinking of having
Trey stay over on my weeks.
Would that be okay with you?
I'm cool with it.
But how do you feel about it, Dad?
I mean, I like Trey. I want him to feel welcome in this family,
but not at the expense of your feelings.
Wait a second. You're fine with this?
What are we even doing here?
It is not about my feelings.
It is about a process that takes
into account all of our feelings
for the sake of the children.
Jimmy, how do you feel?
I thought he did sleep over sometimes.
On the couch, only once.
I'll allow it. Jimmy?
- I'm cool with Trey. - Then it's unanimous.
- Where's my gavel? - Oh, do we really...
Yes, we really need the gavel!
Article nine has been amended to add Trey Taylor
as a permanent guest.
- Yes! - Congratulations.
Constitutional crisis averted.
Great. Can I use the bathroom now?
Ah, permanent bathroom rights are included.
Out that window is the city of Boston, the birthplace
of America, democracy.
Is it perfect? No!
Does it fall into the wrong hands?
All the time.
But is that a reason to throw it out?
No, no, my friends.
That is a reason to fight for it.
Democracy... if there's a better system, I haven't found it.
Can you believe it? Our first official night sleeping in the nest.
Kind of sunken in down here.
[LAUGHS]
The kids call it Daddy's Divot,
created by Jim sleeping in the exact
same position every night.
He'd take off all his clothes, curl up, like knees to chest,
boom, out like a light and looking like a 150-pound fetus
with a beard.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Oh, boy.
- Oh, no, I can't! I can't. - What?
- What? What's wrong? - I can't. I'm sorry.
I can't. I can't. I can't. I... I shouldn't.
I shouldn't have to think of Jim nude while resting
in Jim's nude fetus divot.
- Why didn't you say something? - It was seven seconds ago.
I'm saying something.
How about we switch sides?
- Okay. - Okay.
It's a nightmare, right?
- It's awful. - Yeah.
I have another idea.
We can replace this mattress with the same kind
we have in my place, the Royal Luxe Smart Mattress.
Remember your first time on it?
You said it was like sleeping on a cloud made of clouds.
It made no sense, but I got what you were saying.
Okay, you win. Get me out of here.
I'll call Jim first thing in the morning.
Wha...
Why?
[SIGHS] Article 15.
"Any new furniture or appliances
bigger than a toaster must be approved by both parties."
The constitution covers beds.
This is what happens when I watch the "Today Show."
They put ideas in my head.
Thanks a lot, Hoda.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey. I am here.
Heard there was a constitutional issue.
More like constitutional bonus.
Trey wants to gift us with an ultra-fancy high-end smart mattress.
And because a mattress is bigger than a toaster,
I am respecting you and following protocol.
Congratulations.
We're the winners of a brand-new mattress.
So this is what our life is gonna be like now.
Trey wants to sleep over, Trey sleeps over.
Trey wants a new mattress, we get a new mattress.
All hail King Trey, the mattress king.
I say king, because clearly the nest is a monarchy now.
Democracy is just a facade.
I am asking you first.
Now grab the gavel and bang this into law.
Well, I do appreciate that you asked me first.
And I do love my gavel.
Motion approved.
Feel free to let Trey know that the gavel has fallen
and he may order his new mattress anon.
[GRUNTING]
To the right. Going right.
Watch it. Watch it.
Watch it.
How you doing, Jimbo?
Treason!
Ruling rescinded due to egregiously
premature expectation of affirmative vote.
I didn't know that Trey had already ordered the mattress.
But now that it's here, at least lie down on it.
It is the best mattress in the world.
It's not about the mattress.
It is about how, in divorce, we must conduct our lives
with some level of grace so that our selfishness does not
cause us to make decisions that divide us.
The Royal Luxe is about Trey being a delicate sleeper.
He's not trying to divide us with a mattress.
That was very unfortunate timing.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Jimbo, I know I jumped the gun, but hear me out.
There's usually a six-month waiting list.
But I got lucky. Turns out Taylor Swift's cats prefer hammocks.
Try it out.
King Trey is now ordering me to bed.
Try the mattress, Jimbo.
You won't be sorry.
I don't care how great the mattress is.
It's never gonna make any difference.
I don't...
oh, oh, my God.
I can't tell where my body stops and the bed begins.
I wish I could take my clothes off.
I'm so glad you have them on.
- Jim? - We can keep it.
Once again, thank you for being so
accommodating and agreeable.
Well, it is my nature.
As James Madison said, compromise
is the key to democracy.
You know, that's funny.
It's often attributed to James Madison.
But the quote's actually Ben Franklin's.
And this quote is mine.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
What's that?
It looks like footprints.
Oh, I totally forgot about those.
Um, that was when we first moved in.
We didn't have any furniture.
We just had the mattress, remember.
- Bella, bella. - Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS] Oh, bella.
That was a night. I forgot about those too.
[LAUGHS]
Can somebody explain what's so funny?
Oh, well, years ago, we went to the San Gennaro Festival
and stomped grapes. My feet were still red when we got home.
And we kept calling each other...
Bella, bella, what a fella.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, but... yeah, but how'd the footprints
get on the wall?
Uh...
Uh... well, if we were to do a forensic analysis...
I mean, you know, it was a long time ago,
before my hip issues, when my bursa was robust.
I was the catcher on my high school baseball team,
so I could hold a stance for at least nine innings.
Again, my memory's not perfect.
So I guess I was roughly here with her legs
wrapped around here and the feet kind of...
kind of braced here.
And then...
Bella, bella!
You're upset about the footprints.
I'm not upset.
Okay, okay, I can't lie.
When Jim and I were married, we hooked up.
Grace and Jimmy were not conceived immaculately.
No, I get that. It's just I don't understand why
I got to stare at the sexy evidence
on the wall behind the bed where the hooking up happened.
But I'm not upset.
You are, and you have every right to be. But here's the thing.
You can't see the footprints through the headboard.
Once again, I'm not upset.
But I'll still know they're there.
So good news, I got a solution.
We're gonna paint...
2, 3, 40 coats.
Great idea. And surely, the room needs it.
But the constitution does say...
Stop with the fricking constitution,
I'm becoming an anarchist.
I just don't want you to be upset.
I'm not upset.
You know what's great about having a place on Nantucket?
You can send your fiancée and her kids to Nantucket
so you can paint over her Italian sex prints without her knowing.
I...
smell...
paint.
You painted.
You're here. Why? It's not your week.
Never mind why I'm here,
which is to return my fishing rod, which lives here,
where I live sometimes.
But let's talk about how you painted.
I can explain.
[CHUCKLES] And you scolded me for lying
about a dead goldfish, but here you are
ready to lie to me about this.
I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you. Ask me if I painted.
- Did you paint? - Yep.
Oh! Unbelievable!
You are incapable of living under anyone else's rules.
- Article 22, "No repainting..." - I know! I know!
- You knew? - I knew.
[YELPS]
It's the exact same color.
It would have been dry by the time it was your week.
I was hoping you wouldn't notice.
It would have been like I never painted at all.
Except you painted.
Okay, fine. You know what?
I don't say this often.
My bad.
You knowingly spit in the face
of the bedrock, the foundation, the core values
of this family.
[CHUCKLES]
- What's going on? - [LAUGHING]
Why are you laughing?
Why am I more scared of the laughing than I am the yelling?
You should be scared.
Because Julia's gonna kill you.
For painting? I don't think so.
Not for painting.
For erasing our cherished memories.
Your painters painted over our height chart.
Height chart?
Yes, the height chart that was here on this door
where, for 14 years, we measured
our beloved children's height.
I didn't know there was a height chart there.
And how could you? Oh, wait.
Maybe if you'd followed protocol,
you would have been made aware of the height chart
during one of my many filibusters.
But no, you went rogue, your own little January 7th.
You mean January 6th.
No, January 7th, the day they repainted.
Come on, man. This is a bit of an overreaction.
So many memories... oh, now painted over memories.
Oh, little Jimmy Junior would always say, one day, Dad,
I'll be taller and older than you.
Adorable. Right?
And, oh, how we laughed.
But not anymore.
No more laughter.
All we have now is the memory of our memories.
That's what Julie will say... or try to say, in between sobs.
Come on, man, it was a mistake!
So was Jimmy Junior, but we never painted over him.
And it wasn't a mistake.
You didn't just accidentally call some painters.
This is a way of saying, hey, Jim Kearney.
I'm Trey Taylor, owner of the Boston Celtics.
And I am in charge here.
All you had to do was play by the rules.
Not the rules, your rules.
Every article has to be ratified.
Ratify this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What are you guys doing, for crying out loud?
Throw a punch or shut up.
Trey painted over the height chart.
You two are acting like Gus and Charlie.
Who are Gus and Charlie?
They're our Basset hounds.
We got Charlie when he was a puppy.
He peed on everything to mark his territory, like Jim.
And then we got another Basset hound.
Gus?
Look how you worked that out.
Gus started peeing on everything.
Then Charlie peed on everything Gus peed on.
Gentlemen, what you have here is
a Basset hound peeing contest.
Charlie, things are changing, and you have to adapt.
And, Gus, you may be the king in your own kingdom,
but you just entered into another dog's yard.
So drop it, both of you.
Okay.
I will admit, I've been a little Charlie.
And I haven't been respecting your rules,
which I guess is a little Gus-like, even though I've never met the dog.
I got to get out of here before you
guys start sniffing, licking, and humping each other.
Gus and Charlie became very close.
Well, what are we gonna do about the height chart Gus painted over?
Oh, I can take care of that.
A little turpentine and lye so you can see the indentations.
Julia will never know.
Charlie, get me some turpentine,
a bucket, rags, and a mask.
Gus, get me four cold beers and a bag of chips.
There's a 50/50 chance this won't work.
I'll take those odds.
There wasn't a chance it wasn't gonna work.
I just wanted some beer and chips.
Trey? We're back.
Oh, they're back, they're back, hurry up.
- Hurry up. - All done.
She'll never know the difference.
Operation Height Chart completed.
Jim, Bobby, what are you...
Do I smell paint?
Did you paint?
No, I talked to Trey, and we agreed that we should
paint the room together.
Let me understand.
You and Trey talked.
You had a bipartisan meeting across the aisle?
BOTH: Yup.
The arc of the moral universe bends
towards you two getting along.
This is the new mattress?
Can we jump on it?
Let's check your height first.
Oh, no, no, no. He's tall enough.
No, no, just bounce your little heart out.
- Measure me, Mom. - Okay.
All right.
Up 1/2 inch for Jimmy.
Grace, now you.
Ooh.
An inch for Grace.
Now me. Thank you.
Whoa. Growth spurt for Mom, up 3 inches.
Mom.
Ah. Okay.
Okay.
All right. Uh... same.
Well, you're not shrinking yet.
That's good.
Trey.
I'm taller. [LAUGHS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Look at you, keeping magazines alive.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh-oh.
Just got a notification from the Royal Luxe Smart Mattress.
Jim just got naked.
How does the mattress know?
It's smart.
[CHUCKLES]
What are you doing?
Remote temperature control.
I'm gonna make it colder...
much, much colder.
[SHIVERING]
♪ ♪
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -