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Man!
This kind of action makes me feel alive.
This kind of action makes me feel nauseous.
Oh, come on, at the end of the day,
we're all gamblers, am I right?
No, you're not right. We're the house.
House doesn't gamble.
That's why we're called "the house," not "the soup kitchen."
I can't shake the feeling that this guy
knows more about this than we do.
Why else would he make a stupid fuckin' bet like that?
Because he's on tilt.
We've all seen this a thousand times.
It just happens to be a higher number.
Yeah, 1.4 million.
Excuse me.
You hit a swan.
Stop it!
Okay, so the first thing you see when you click on the link,
is "Lorraine Colavito,
board-certified shaman."
"Board-certified" is a keeper.
I'm not sure about "shaman."
You're the one who pitched "shaman."
I know. We'll find a place for it.
- Just not on your banner page. - Okay.
- Uh, "Dr. Lorraine Colavito." - Much better.
"Graduate of the Pepperdine School of...
Psychedelic Therapy."
- Pepperdine? - No?
This is all bullshit. Aim higher.
- Harvard. - Lower.
- Berkley. - Thank you.
"Providing therapeutic guidance to... "
I was trying to find
a nice way to say "fucked-up losers."
"Troubled souls."
Good. Lock it in.
"Since 2007."
Nice.
Okay, let's take a crack at some Frequently Asked Questions.
Number one you got to figure is,
"How much does microdosing therapy cost?"
Answer.
"How can you put a price on freedom?"
- Ooh! - Huh?
- I'm tingling. - Right.
Chiefs, Tampa, quick.
Got it. 917, go.
I can't, they're already kicked off already.
I'm looking right at it. Turn on your fucking TV.
Green Bay? Nah, man, Green Bay already played.
Oh, okay, got you, Tampa Bay.
No, motherfucker, you said Green Bay.
Yes, you did.
You know what, just call me back when you're sober.
Wash your hands.
One more time. Enter your bet,
enter the password, and then click confirm.
Well, if it's not there, then you skipped a step.
What's your operating system?
AT&T is your phone, numbnuts.
- Go 611. - Go 909.
No, you can't parlay the Giants with the Golden Globes.
- Go 112. - No, I'm telling you.
I did not drink Camp Lejeune water.
Just lose my number.
No crypto. Cash, American cash.
- How about Beanie Babies? - No, I don't have mesothelioma.
Let me read it back to you
so I know I got it right when you lose.
Larry, you're banned.
Because you don't pay.
It doesn't matter if your heart's in the right place.
No, we don't take dead pool bets.
And for the record, Angela Lansbury, dead.
Hey, do we take calls from
Metropolitan Detention Center gen pop?
Do you want to get paid in cigarettes?
Who do I like? I don't give advice.
What do you think I am, Dr. Phil?
Heat and Grizzlies over, 220 and a half. You're down.
Spurs plus five. You're down.
Capitals minus 115, and you like Ovechkin
over five shots on goal?
How's the online action?
We're way up on the early games.
You could make the Raiders minus a thousand,
every cholo would still bet 'em.
Yo, brother, you seeing these numbers?
- I see it. Terrific. - That's it?
- What? I'm happy. - Tell your fuckin' face.
- Don't start with me, please. - Sorry. I'll just tell you
when we're losing.
Sisters, huh?
I grew up with four of 'em.
When my mom was at work, they'd dress me up like a girl,
and make me dance for cookies.
- Lorraine, can you do me a favor? - Hmm?
- Mm. - Check out a guy named Jack Han?
- Hand? - No, no D, just Han.
- Han. - Right, Han.
Hang on.
Tell me again we're gonna be okay.
- I never told you that. - Well, lie to me.
You know just as well as I do, it's any given Sunday.
Yeah, but the Texans are a nine-point dog.
He bet 'em to win outright.
Can I tell you a story?
- Can I hear it? - No.
When I was with the Chargers,
we were huge favorites against the Titans.
Knocked their starting quarterback out,
destroyed the backup, by the time the fourth quarter rolled
around, the damn punter was throwing passes.
Could that be the end of the story, please?
- We lost. - Jack Han.
- Genghis Han sneakers? - What you got?
Company trades on the Hong Kong exchange.
Produced a couple of slasher films.
None of 'em made any money.
Okay. Thanks for looking.
- Oh. - What?
Director on the last one, he fell off a boat and drowned.
Never found the body.
Okay, thank you.
- Hector, check it out. - Can you swim?
We got our first customer.
Dr. Colavito, I presume.
- I'll see you tomorrow. - Where you going?
I'm gonna take my wife out to dinner and tell her I love her.
I'm serious.
Hey.
Place looks good.
Thanks.
The music is a nice touch.
$195. Not exactly priced to move.
That's blown glass from Murano, Italy
and they're flying off the shelf.
Maybe in an earthquake.
Did you just come down here to bust my balls?
Yeah.
Miss Ellaneous made $42,000 this week.
Oh, look at that. Good for me.
Yeah, and I thought maybe I could take
my wife and stepson out for dinner.
What about the Sunday night game?
I got it covered.
What do you say?
Sounds great, except for you-know-who.
It's just a phase, he'll come around.
If it wasn't for Frosted Flakes and peanut butter and jelly,
I'm afraid he'd starve to death.
Call him.
Anthony!
What?
We're gonna go out for dinner. What do you feel like eating?
I'm not hungry.
I know, your mom and I are.
Pick something.
PB and J.
Pick again. And don't say cereal.
Maybe spaghetti.
Great.
Plain spaghetti.
- Fine. - With ketchup.
Sold.
- Let's roll. - Oh, right now?
Unless you're waiting for a late rush.
Grandma!
Hello?
In the kitchen, little boy.
Little boy?
When did I become "little boy"?
Glory be.
Oh. Hey.
Rayfield, meet John Franklin,
an old dear friend of mine.
- Call me Frank. - How you doing, Frank?
You did good, Marion.
He did not make it easy.
I hope you understand what kind of special lady you got here.
Oh.
It's true. You are one of a kind.
Frank and I used to be neighbors when you were a baby.
Long, long time ago.
He and his wife often watched after you
when I worked a double shift.
Francine couldn't conceive,
so you filled a big hole in our lives.
Francine was his wife.
God rest her soul.
She passed.
49 years we were together.
Frank and Francine. Glory be.
I'm so sorry.
- When did she pass? - Week ago Thursday.
Glory be.
Mm-hmm.
What's wrong?
I know what Jack's edge is.
Hang on.
- What's going on? - Go back to sleep.
Okay.
- Go. - I did a little digging
to see why Jack would pick the Texans to win outright.
You're so bad.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Sorry.
So I called an old buddy of mine from Brigham Young,
who's currently on the New York coaching staff.
- Yeah. - He's a bit of a gossip.
- Nice. - Particularly when he's drinking.
Loving it.
Oh, Mormons and alcohol.
Turns out a large unattractive man
who plays on the offensive line
has a personal issue
with a handsome player who plays a more glamorous position.
What kind of issue?
The "you shouldn't be fucking my wife" kind.
Jesus Christ.
So the big ugly is looking for payback.
- Wouldn't you? - It's gonna be like a turnstile.
"Right this way, sir."
They'll need a spatula to scrape the New York QB off the field.
Well, what about the backup?
Rookie. Played at Kutztown.
What's Kutztown?
Exactly.
All right, so what's our move?
I guess we got to deal Walt in, tell him what we know.
Sounds right.
Damn it, Frank, slow down.
Yeah, Frank, slow down!
What? What's going on? Who the hell's Frank?
My old babysitter.
What?
Still.
Doesn't mean it's not a good bet.
I mean, the guy's a professional athlete.
His teammate schtupped his wife.
So ergo, he's not gonna do his job?
Ray, back me up.
These guys get evaluated on film every Monday, right?
People miss blocks all the time, even when they're trying.
You'd know.
Fuck. This is on me.
What're you talking about?
I jinxed us.
I went and looked at an Aston Martin yesterday.
Oh, fuck.
I put the whammy on this whole deal.
I'm sorry.
So...
what's our play?
I say we go to Jack and tell him we're out.
Yeah, I suppose.
I mean, what's he gonna do?
Report us to the Better Business Bureau?
No way. No fucking way, Jose!
You don't get to cancel my bet just because you feel like it.
There's still eight hours before kickoff.
That's plenty of time to find another book.
We'll even cover your vig.
No vig! I don't pay no fucking vig!
You're just chickenshit 'cause you know I have a sure thing.
Come on, Jack.
You know there are no sure things in the NFL.
I'm sure.
You give football players free sneakers,
and they will tell you things.
I know.
What about you, huh? Why are you so quiet?
No...
Oh, I'm just as disappointed as you are, Jack,
but I have to respect my chickenshit partners.
Okay, okay, let's...
Let's all put on our thinking caps.
I got it.
Oh, great. He's got it.
You keep your word, and you take my bet,
and I don't take all of you fishing on my boat.
What does fishing have to do with anything?
Oh.
You're threatening us?
Yes. Are you stupid?
What?
I don't understand.
Fishing sounds kind of fun.
So, um,
have you formed an intention for your psychedelic journey?
Oh, an intention? Uh, I don't understand.
People come to Dr. Colavito
for a variety of reasons.
They want to overcome anxiety, depression...
Of course, there's career problems, relationship problems.
It's nothing like that.
Oh. Then what?
I...
I have six months to live.
They say six.
I think that's optimistic.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, sweetie.
You do understand there's no pain relief with shrooms, right?
- I know. - Okay.
And I'm okay with the pain.
I mean, I'm taking more pills than Elvis.
What I want is to find some comfort
in...
... not existing.
- Not existing? - You know.
Fade to black.
Hello, darkness, my old friend.
You get it.
Well, you came to the right place.
Yeah.
Slide! Slide!
Don't be a hero. Don't be a hero.
That son of a bitch's got wheels.
Son of a bitch shouldn't have fucked his left tackle's wife.
You guys got a minute to talk about the deep fryers?
- Not right now, Petey. - Excuse me,
when I gave you a piece of this place,
I didn't just give you
a piece of the glitz and the glamour.
There happens to be ongoing maintenance.
You didn't give us a piece. You lost a piece.
Potato, potato.
When'd you start smoking?
- 20 minutes ago. - Well, don't get cancer.
Your dirty money is the only thing keeping this joint going.
Nice to know you care.
While I have you both,
the walk-in cooler is also on its last legs.
Can we please not deal with this right now, man?
Oh!
Got your ass hanging out on tonight's game?
- Little bit. - Oh, yeah.
Your heart's beating a mile a minute.
Not enough spit in your mouth to lick an envelope.
Drive stalled out at the 30. Settled for three.
Yes!
Now can we talk about the deep fryers?
No!
Ah, fuck youse both.
Oh, my God.
What's happening?
I just had an orgasm.
Oh, well... good for you.
I'll say.
Would either of you happen to have a Camel Filter?
What's that?
Oh, it's before your time.
It's the brand my hu...
... my husband smoked.
Buckle up.
35 years I was married to that man.
Right before he died,
he turned to me and said, "I love you, Sharon."
Aw...
My name's Eileen.
Oh.
It happened.
Quarterback went down hard.
They cut away to a commercial.
They didn't even want to show the replay.
- He's out? - He's a grease stain.
So, Kutztown is in?
Kutztown is in.
Light a candle.
Do you think we could work out
some kind of installment plan with Jack?
Something to discuss on the boat.
Oh...
- Well, well. - Fuck. Go away.
Oh, would that I could.
You guys know an avid sports enthusiast named Jack Han?
- Hand? - Han. No D.
- Han. - Han.
Yeah, Han.
- No. - Sorry.
Interesting. You're both wearing his sneakers.
Oh, that's embarrassing.
Jesus, Danny.
Why won't you let me help you?
Why do I need your help?
For reasons that are above my pay grade,
Mr. Han... no D... has diplomatic immunity.
Which means what to us?
Assuming we know him?
Which means he can kill a bookie in the afternoon
and still sit courtside at a Lakers game that night.
- Thanks for clearing that up. - Mm-hmm. Point being,
if you should cross paths, walk the other way.
Kutztown's got his head up his...
Hi, how are you?
Great.
Good, good, good, good, good, good.
Good. Good, good, good. See ya.
How much did you give her?
What it said on the YouTube video,
one-tenth a full dose.
- You sure? - Yeah.
I mean, I don't know what a full dose is, but yeah.
Maybe it's mixing with something else?
Eileen, what other drugs are you taking?
Oh...
Okay, every drug.
Oh, my God.
Another orgasm?
Better.
It all makes sense now.
- It does? - Yes.
I-I-I've had a good life.
My children are good people.
My marriage... Ah.
My time is done. I've, I've fulfilled my purpose.
There's no reason to be afraid.
That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you.
Thank you both so much.
This is more than I could've hoped for.
- You're welcome. - That's why we do it.
Do you mind if I use your restroom,
just to freshen up?
Of course.
We did it.
- We changed that woman's life. - I know.
I've never felt this good about myself. Ever.
- Oh, God. - Stay in the hug.
You don't think Jack's gonna kill us, right?
Just wants his money.
Somehow we'll pay it.
It will just clean us out.
Starting over.
I've done it before, I'll do it again.
Just got to figure out how I'm gonna tell Sharise.
And Janelle.
And Brook.
What do I tell Sandra?
Probably have to give up that dumb gift shop,
which she loves more than me.
Have to send Anthony to public school.
Like he's not fucked up enough now.
Grandma's never going back to Brentwood.
We dared to dream, Ray. We dared to dream.
There it is.
It's been a pleasure.
Holy Al Michaels!
Do you believe in miracles?
We won?
Kutztown threw a Hail Mary, and Mary fucking caught it!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
We won? We fucking won!
Yes! Yes!
I'm so hard right now!
I'm going to need ice cream and a blow job.
Thank you.
You ever tried one of these with a little red wine?
Ring the bell when you're finished.
- Thank you, Greg. - It's Gregory.
Sorry. Gregory.
You're right.
He's definitely fucking with kids.
Oh, yeah, he's a diddler.
You gonna tell your sister about this money?
Nope. You gonna tell her?
- Wasn't planning on it. - Good man.
What about Sandra?
Our relationship's complicated enough.
You do realize this is our chance to run away together.
I thought you'd never ask.
We're gonna need a bigger box.
Oh, Gregory!
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