Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
Lou Sanders!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Ah!
Welcome to Live at the Apollo.
Oh, thank you so much for coming out.
It's so funny cos they say never meet your heroes,
and yet here you all are.
CHEERING
No, sometimes I'm an audience member, just like you,
so we've got so much in common.
I've just come back from a festival, an arts festival.
You've got to support the arts.
And I did a couple of shows but I saw loads of shows, right,
and the best thing that I saw,
at the end of a show, this man gives a standing ovation.
And everyone else looks at him, as they think about the show
they've just seen, and think, "Are you off your head?"
And I laughed so much, even though it was my show that he was in.
So, I've brought some chat-up lines
so we can get to know each other a bit better.
CHEERING
You're very kind. Um, OK.
Sir, would you like a chat-up line? Yes, OK.
Hey, is that a meal deal in your pocket?
Cos either way, I'm gobbling you up at the services.
LAUGHTER
OK, nice lady there, would you like a chat-up line?
Sure, go on. Sure. OK.
Here we go.
Are you talking to me or buying cheap toilet roll?
Cos either way, you're going to have a sore perineum.
LAUGHTER
Love this stuff.
And then I've got a cute one,
cos I didn't want you to think I was a sort of one-trick-pony.
So this is a bit of a sweet one.
This is just a cute...
Would you like a chat-up line? Yeah? OK.
This is a very sweet one.
Would you like to see a magic trick?
Sure.
I can make your penis disappear in my mouth.
AWKWARD LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS
Sometimes I think I'm shy, and then...
Seriously, sometimes, I am shy, and then I remember that,
I'm not on any dating websites now but about six months ago,
I was on this bougie dating website
and I emailed them to tell them that I thought it was broken,
cos I wasn't getting enough matches.
How embarrassing.
They didn't even email back, so the proof's in the pudding!
How embarrassing is that? I was like, "Check your algorithms,
"cos I keep getting sent weirdos, and not enough of them!"
That's a memento for you.
You can have that.
Fetch it.
Any men in?
MEN CHEER
I'm an ally.
LAUGHTER
Any single women in?
WOMEN CHEER
Yes! Cos I want to talk about my cats.
LAUGHTER
I've got two cats, they're the loves of my life,
I love them so much. They're brothers, and, oh, I love them!
But I have given them really stupid names.
So, they're called Bobert and Baby.
It's awful.
And my friend came round, right,
and he was shouting for Bobert to come in from the garden.
He was like, "Bobert, Bobert," and I swear to God,
a man with a push-bike went up to the fence
and said, "Yes, I'm Robert."
So now I live with two cats and a man called Robert.
The other one's called Baby.
That's the one with the tricky name, Baby, because everyone's like,
"Oh, you got a cat and named it Baby, cos you want to have a baby."
OK, Freud!
Why didn't I name the other one "My Netflix Special"?
I think, actually, they're right. I think I do want a baby.
What are you doing after the show?
No, I think I do want a baby.
I think I could push one out, um...
But I think we should all adopt, you know,
because we're always banging on about recycling.
But if there's women in the audience, right,
and you don't know if you want a baby, this is what you do -
just set the alarm every two hours through the night
and then, just wake up and slam your tits into a drawer.
Just to check if the lifestyle's for you.
I'm trying to do work on myself.
I'm not the worst person I know, but I did google to see
whether you can get PTSD from your own personality.
And then I didn't stick about for the results,
but, um, no, I do yoga a lot.
Sorry, you've got eyes.
Do it once a year. But I can't understand people
that don't do any work on themselves, right?
I've got a friend, he does no work on himself.
He's a mess. He's really awful, actually.
He's the type of guy, he's like, "Oh, I just keep hurting women."
You're like, "Yeah, cos you compulsively lie to everyone."
Like, he's a beast.
Sort of guy who'd never go out with me because I'm too old for him,
even though I'm way younger than him.
I'm stalling slightly cos I want to tell you who it is,
but my healer, um - thank you -
um, sorry, one of my healers,
said that you can't gossip,
but she lives in France.
Shall I tell you who it is?
Shall I? Fuck it.
My friend is Prince Andrew...
Why aren't paedophiles more worried about nits?
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
I think it's cos a lot of them are bald.
Sorry, I really hate to, like, offend any paedophiles.
I hate being divisive.
I hate being like, "Oh, paedophiles are bald."
Obviously that's so stupid,
cos a lot of them wear those little ponytails.
I went to the doctor recently cos I thought I had a problem
with my womb and turns out it's all tickety-boo in there.
You must visit.
Five stars on TripAdvisor.
No, I did go to the doctor.
I thought I had polycystic ovaries, right,
and the doctor, she said she'd book me in for a scan,
and the scan was in about a month's time. So, in the meantime,
I thought, "Well, just get a second opinion from one of my healers."
You've got to be true to yourself.
And this woman, she made it feel better, actually,
so the joke's on you.
She did some work around the area
and I felt loads better, and I went back to the doctor and I said,
"I don't need the scan any more," and the doctor said, "Why's that?"
And I said, "Well, cos my healer's done some work on the area,
"and it's worth noting that she did see a black crow flying
"out of the area when she was done."
And my doctor said,
"Would you like me to refer you to the mental health team?"
I do like alternative health and stuff,
but I also think medicine's quite cool.
Like, I think there's room for everything.
Do you know what I mean? Like, if I broke my leg,
I'm not wafting an incense stick over it.
Not again!
But also, get this, right?
I know this woman who cured herself from stage 4 cancer.
This is ten years ago. She's fine now.
She cured herself from stage 4 cancer using acupuncture.
Isn't that amazing?
And chemotherapy.
So, you know, there's room for everything,
that's what I'm saying.
I'm going to tell you this story now,
which marries the woo-woo with the medical world,
and it does get quite dark in the middle but it has got
a happy ending, so try not to be a little bitch about it, OK?
And also, the story was so long ago that I think now everyone's
passed away just through Mother Time, so that's good news.
OK, so, what it is, the background is,
when people have got an organ transplant,
sometimes they can take on mannerisms of the donor, right?
And it's especially prevalent with heart transplants.
So, people have woken up and they've fancied chicken and beer
when they didn't have it before. There's bigger examples.
Hobbies, I don't know, stuff.
Anyway, it's a true story and it's called cellular memory, OK?
So, that's the background.
Now, there was a story once of this ten-year-old girl
and she got a new heart from this 12-year-old girl.
Don't think too much about the 12-year-old, OK?
Comedy!
But the ten-year-old's got a new heart, so that's happy days, right?
Apart from, then she keeps having these nightmares about being,
weirdly, stabbed to death. And so her mum was worried about her,
took her to a psychiatrist.
She recounted these nightmares to the psychiatrist,
and the psychiatrist said,
"This girl is recounting a true-life event,"
and the mum said, "Well, no, she's not, because she's not been,"
and here's that sentence again, "stabbed to death."
Um...
You've got to have a catchphrase.
Anyway, the nightmares continued.
In the end, they tracked down the donor's family
and they go and see them.
You know, they say thanks for the heart and everything, I imagine.
Be rude not to, wouldn't it?
And the donor's parents are listening about these nightmares,
and then they say - you won't believe this,
here's where it gets weird - they say, "Our daughter was..."
And, unfortunately, it is that sentence again
in the worst possible way.
Say it with me if you want, "stabbed to death." Yeah. And...
Felt good, actually. And, um...
The dreams, or the nightmares, I should say,
had so much details in that matched up with the actual event,
they went to the police and they told the police
all about the nightmares and all the details, and then, because it
was so detailed, they managed to arrest and put away the killer.
CHEERING
That story is so profound,
I don't want to cheapen it with any further research!
My friend Justine, she's great, but she, um...
My friend Justine keeps trying to set me up with men, right?
And we're all God's children
but some of them aren't a very good match, right?
The last one, Justine was like,
"Babe, honestly, I've found your soulmate.
"You're not going to believe this. He's your literal soulmate."
I looked up his profile picture, and this is no disrespect to him,
but he had a twiddly moustache,
a three-piece suit and he's on a penny-farthing.
My dream man.
So, what I've done is written a list of my dream man,
and this bit's mainly for Justine.
It's mixed messages cos I'm keeping it in my cleavage.
OK.
This is my dream man.
He's got to know his way around a skateboard and an ironing board.
Am I right, ladies?
He's a model, so we can relate to each other, job-wise.
Talking about the modelling.
He's got curly hair and he doesn't even use product in it,
and he goes to the bathroom to remove the cum from his stomach.
And he does cum.
Oh, boy, does he cum!
"Pass the cum bucket," we laugh to each other.
He's very kind and he volunteers at a soup kitchen at Christmas,
so I don't have to spend time with his family.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Someone can keep that.
It's funny getting in a relat...
I can't imag... How does anyone get in a relationship?
Like, because you've got to trust that person and they've got
to trust you, and every element of it is, you know, wow.
Like, for example, I don't know if you heard this as well,
but I heard on the radio the other day that STDs were spreading,
and I thought, "Yeah, you're telling me.
"It's spread all round to my arsehole!"
LAUGHTER
Make my mother proud, you know what I mean?
She's at the gardening club. I'm on the telly and, um...
Sometimes I talk about puerile stuff,
but sometimes, I talk about stuff that seems puerile
but it has actually got a social-political point, OK?
And every time I do stand-up on TV,
which is not enough times as far as I'm concerned,
but every single time I try and talk about this one topic, and every
single time that's the thing that gets absolutely binned straightaway.
And I think the powers that be sort of feel like, you know,
people don't want to hear about that, you know?
And I say, let the people decide.
So, I've got one of the labias that hangs down...
..and it's a beautiful piece.
More to love. Live, laugh, labia.
But I just want to tell on TV the story about
when I got it trapped in a lift.
It's not that big.
It's a beautiful piece.
But I think some people like the idea of a vagine...
..but, you know, as a concept, or draped over something
or sort of curated, you know?
But then when a woman talks about her own vagine
in a more biological way - therefore taking ownership of it -
people are like, "Ugh, calm down, love. No, thanks."
And I think everyone just needs to relax.
It's not like I'm trying to get the old girl out on TV.
I did have those discussion and they were shut down fairly quickly.
In my mind, it's because they thought the people at the back
wouldn't be able to see, but with mine, actually, they might, so...
But it's funny what people get squeamish about,
because I went to this thing, right, and there was a woman there.
I went to this party and there was a woman there,
and she had a lovely dress on but the side was kind of, um,
quite sort of cut out, so you could see quite a lot.
I mean, she looked lovely, right, and everyone was like,
"Oh, who's that lovely French woman?"
And I guess what I'm saying is,
it's one rule for side boob and another rule for side labia.
But I think it's important to talk about, right?
I used to talk about it in a show and I had merch made and everything.
Live, laugh, labia. No, it was "Vote Labia".
But I think it's nice to talk about because I want young girls
to feel good about their body, so if we sort of, you know,
celebrate different body shapes and sizes,
or at least accept them, I think it's good for young women.
Like, I want them to know that I've never had any complaints.
You know, it's rude to talk with your mouth full, isn't it?
But I think porn has ruined everything, right?
And in porn, it's all the tucked up ones.
I've got to stop doing that, I suppose.
I don't know, I think porn has ruined everything,
and then, young girls - OK, true story -
young girls are getting labiaplasties,
which is a needless cosmetic operation
which is actually really dangerous.
So, lots of young girls feel disgusting about their body
cos of porn, so they're getting operations to tuck it back in.
"Tuck it back in." That doesn't sound right, does it?
They're getting an operation to make it look, I don't know,
like it does in porn, I suppose.
And I think it's important to talk about.
When I used to talk about this in a show,
I would have women sometimes coming up to me with tears in their eyes,
and that is so important, cos it's more merch that I can sell.
My stepdad used to be a sexist, and once went round
and he said, "Oh, I've stopped buying the Observer."
"I was like, "Oh, right, why's that?"
And he said, "Well, it's full of women."
Then he took me through the magazine, right,
and he ignored all the men - and there were more men
cos I counted afterwards, I'm a little bit petty -
and he just took me through, pointing out the women,
getting more and more angry.
So, he would go, "Look, woman!
"Woman!
"Oh, another woman."
Which is so bizarre,
cos when we found a load of magazines of his in the loft...
LOUD LAUGHTER
He's dead now.
He is. And it's very sad cos I loved him very, very much,
and also, of course, he gave me so much material, so double whammy.
But we're all going to have people close to us die, OK,
and what I'm interested in is the cracks of light
that appear in the darkness, right?
And one happened very soon after his death.
So, he died in the early hours of Father's Day, and, um...
Saved a bit on the present, actually.
And I put a picture of me and him on Instagram,
and my friend, er, Katherine Ryan -
not a name drop, but you need to know...
No, but you need to know who she is.
You need to know it's her because, like, she's busy, right,
but she's online a lot.
So she's seen this picture,
and underneath the picture I wrote an obituary for him, you know,
"Going to miss this guy," you know, a bit about his life and death.
And Katherine Ryan saw it, must have thought,
"That's gone in the feed of Father's Day pictures,"
didn't check and wrote "hot" underneath.
And it made me laugh so much.
And I texted her and I said, "Do you mind if I talk about that onstage?"
because it's the first thing that sort of, you know,
cheered me up, and she said...
Because I said to her,
you know, my stepdad passed away, and let her know.
And she said, "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry for your loss,
"cos he was really hot."
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look, we've got two amazing acts for you,
so go mad, go crazy, as if we're living in America.
And please welcome to the stage the wonderful Celya AB!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Hello, Apollo.
Nice to meet you.
My name is Celya AB.
I'm from Paris.
That's correct. WHOOPING
I did a really quirky thing, when, in 2014,
I moved from Paris to Birmingham.
Willingly.
A lot of people wonder, why would you do this to yourself?
And I'll answer, "Don't worry.
"It's because on day one I saw the funniest thing I've
"seen in my entire life."
It was a really drunk man, New Street Station, scooched over,
singing Oasis, She's Electric...
..to a vending machine.
LAUGHTER
I moved to London now, though,
cos I was tired of feeling attractive, so it's good...
It's good to be humbled.
I'm going to talk a bit about you guys.
I think it's crazy that the English went
from colonising the entire world - naughty! -
to saying things like, "Sorry, can I squeeze past?"
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What happened to you?
Went from pillaging the entire planet to, now, if an alcoholic
drink is a bit more sweet than a normal alcoholic drink you've
had in your life before, you'll all say, "Ooh, that is dangerous."
I defy all the French stereotypes you've seen in your life before.
I don't come from a lot of money
but it's just a different class system in France.
Like, here, it's working-class and in France it's like Les Mis,
we sing songs, it's lovely.
So I had to learn about the class system when I moved here,
and this is how I learnt about it.
Once, I saw a fight in Aldi.
But then I went to M&S and there, I saw a duel.
So, it's different, isn't it?
I wanted to fit in when I moved here, I did, so I got myself
an office job. That's the best way to understand this country.
If you've never worked in a British office, picture this.
Wall-to-wall people wearing beige
talking about lunch all day.
All day around the UK, it's just symphony of,
"What are you going to have for your lunch?"
"I'm going to have a jacket."
"I'm going to have a jacket with no butter, no salt.
"Don't cook it...
"..cos I'm being good."
That's the kind of chat you have in office work,
cos you can't be yourself. Imagine.
It's all about escapism, working in an office.
It's all about escapism,
and I know this cos we all do that thing where we put a picture
in the background of our computer
of a beach,
in the Bahamas.
Now, I've been to the Bahamas a couple of years ago, I'm very lucky,
and you'll never believe it because their backgrounds...
..various offices in Coventry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But I can't talk about that now. I'm a single woman.
Bisexual. Single twice. Unfair.
It's hard.
I'm struggling to meet people in this country
because the way you meet people is you have a one-night stand
and then you just crack on.
And I'm not really good at one-night stands.
Like once, I did it in November and I had to stop him halfway through,
right, when I realised that it was November
and he wasn't wearing a poppy, and that's just disgusting.
I said, "You don't look like you're reminiscing."
I'm a romantic, that's my problem.
I love romance. Oh, I want to be in a relationship.
I want to try edible pants.
You can't edible solo, they don't let you.
I'm absolutely fascinated by them, here's why -
it must be someone's job to keep edible pants
from being too delicious...
..because they've got to be OK in context,
but there's a team of scientists that's working day in, day out,
to make sure that none of us start craving them.
I struggle being single. I'm a pick-me girl.
Do you guys know what that is?
A pick-me girl is a type of woman who's like, "Me?"
SHE GIGGLES
"I'm not like the other girls.
"Why? Cos I like live music. Shackle me."
I do like live music.
Like, sometimes I wonder if anyone has gone to see the band
Placebo thinking it was The Cure, so I do think about that stuff.
Thank you. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Love live music. I went to see ABBA Voyage.
CHEERING Have you guys seen it?
ABBA Voyage, if you haven't seen it, it's incredible. It's ABBA.
They've got holograms now,
but just before going into ABBA Voyage,
I found out a little bit of industry goss
and I'm going to share it with you cos I was pissed off.
ABBA, the band,
they're not even dead.
LAUGHTER
And they've got holograms.
You can't have holograms if you're alive.
Hey, ABBA, go to work.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ABBA Voyage is amazing. From start to finish, it's them at their best.
They were 28 years old when they recorded it.
Start to finish, them at their best - a bit like this.
So, ABBA Voyage, at the end of ABBA Voyage,
sometimes the real ABBA,
they come out.
But the problem is that, at this point in your life,
you've only known them as hot 28-year-olds.
So when 76-year-old ABBA comes out,
it doesn't look good.
It doesn't look like them.
It looks like their parents have come to pick them up.
I am a pick-me girl. I lie about my interests constantly, I do.
My new thing now is I pretend to like football.
Now I want to like football, I really do.
I really respect it as a sport.
My problem is too much of it has happened...
..and no-one will let me catch up.
Like, everyone needs to stop playing for five years,
and then I'll start casual, season one...
..episode one.
Now, the real reason I'm trying to get into football
is because, basically, I met this guy.
WHOOPING
Thank you.
And, um... Oh, my God.
So, he told me
that he...could've...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do you guys know him?
That's weird.
He does have a lot of friends.
He said he could've...
..gone professional.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But then, and this is so sad...
LAUGHTER
..just before the trials...
..he...
..he didn't have the skills.
He didn't have the skills, the work ethic or the natural talent.
So close.
No, of course, he did his knee.
Of course.
That's usually what they say.
It's amazing, isn't it,
the amount of almost-professional footballers all around the UK.
Almost-professional footballers who all end up in All Bar One.
It's amazing, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All around the UK, every Friday and Saturday night,
almost-professional footballers travel far and wide,
which is hard, because of their knees.
And despite everything they've been through,
they still find it in their heart to tell their tale,
and I think that is beautiful.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But it made me think, right?
What is it about almost-professional footballers,
so that following an injury,
100% of them end up in All Bar One?
Cos as far as I'm concerned, Apollo, that is an exact science.
And with science, we need to utilise it.
If a young boy in your life starts showing interest
in saying things like, "The lads!"
Singing Sweet Caroline,
wearing V-necks with a blazer...
..it is crucial...
..that you look after his knees.
Cos that boy is going to be a star.
So, I am a pick-me girl. I am.
A pick-me girl, she'll do crazy things.
Like, on a date, she can eat an entire pizza.
Quirky!
I think it's crazy that when you eat an entire pizza,
you're like a cool girl. You're chill.
But you eat one entire quiche...
..and then, your whole life, you're "quiche lady".
In every room you walk in, for the rest of your life,
"Oh, there she is.
"Lorraine."
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, Apollo, I'm going to leave you on something very special.
I've been in this country for ten years.
And I've looked around WHOOPING
and, essentially, I think I can do a pretty good impression
of a British person.
And before you judge - no formal training.
LAUGHTER
"Excuse me.
"I'm sorry, can I just squeeze past?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That was a British person being born.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen and everything in between,
it's been an absolute dream to play this.
Enjoy the rest of your evening. Goodbye.
CHEERING, WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
Celya AB!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lovely stuff.
And now, please give it up for your second act this evening.
It's Neil Delamere!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, the Apollo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
I like to start off every show with a little request.
If you know anybody who works for WhatsApp,
just tell them to let us delete the message entirely,
like it was never sent.
Don't delete the message but still write,
"Neil has deleted the message."
Like a little telltale informer!
So that your friend still texts you and goes,
"What was in that message that you deleted there?"
You know when it says, "Delete for me" or "Delete for everyone"?
Who picks...?
"Just for me. I'm just going to delete it for me, yeah.
"Yeah, I still want them to see the awful stuff I've written,
"but I don't want to be reminded of how much of a dick
"I can actually be. Yeah, yeah, yeah."
It's like getting a tattoo removed and walking into
the laser place going, "What are my options for tattoo removal?"
"You've got two options.
"First option, we shine a laser on your leg, remove the tattoo,
"so no-one will see the tattoo." "What is my second option?"
"We shine a laser in your eyes so you won't see the tattoo."
"I'll go for option number two, please. Thank you very much."
I bought a new phone. I fell for the ad.
You can plug the phone into somebody else's phone
and you can wirelessly transfer the charge.
The company thinks people are going to use that.
No-one's going to use that.
Your charge is the single most important thing in your life.
Look at your friends,
they would prefer to donate a kidney to a stranger than to give
you 5% of their mobile phone charge.
Have you ever been abroad? Yeah? You ever been abroad?
You bring one adaptor and one charger between you and your spouse.
The UN level of negotiation involved
in getting the charger back from the person you love.
"Can I have the adaptor, love? Can I have the charger?
"Can I have the adaptor? Can I have the adaptor?"
And they hit you with, "Absolutely, Neil.
"But what battery percentage do you have?"
And you look at the person you've chosen
to spend the rest of your life with and you lie like a mofo, don't you?
"3%. 2%. Half a percent.
"I've never, ever seen half a percent on a mobile phone before,
"to be honest with you."
"Show me your phone. I'll plug it in for you."
"I can't show you my phone." "Why can't you?"
"I'm having an affair." "Are you hell having an affair,
"show me your phone!" LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE
We'll be in Spain.
My wife will go and have a shower before we go out.
She'll leave the bathroom door open and the shower door open.
That is not an invitation to join her.
You'll make that mistake once in your life, let me tell you that.
It's because she doesn't trust you to not unplug her phone
and plug your phone in, and she's right,
cos that's exactly what you do, isn't it? Then you plug her phone
back in towards the end so you've got plausible deniability.
"Did you plug out my phone?"
"I did not plug out your phone.
"It went up by 2% after a half-an-hour shower?
"That is because Spanish electricity is different."
"You plugged it in during the siesta and the wires were asleep.
"That's how it works here."
If I talk to you in the front row, I hope you know I'm just messing.
You get great answers. Had a farmer at a gig once.
I said, "What do you do?" He goes, "I'm a sheep farmer."
I said, "I read recently sheep can recognise individual human faces."
He went, "Well, as long as they can't give evidence
"I should be all right."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I had a South African man at a gig in Dublin once.
I said, "Where are you from?" Big blond guy. He goes, "Cape Town."
I said, "Cape Town is beautiful and warm and sunny.
"How did you end up in Dublin?"
He went, "I got in the wrong container."
Irish guy, lovely fella, big guy, you know -
apparently, we're going to be the most overweight country in
Europe in a few years, and they tell us this like it's bad news.
"Oh, it's a catastrophe, it's a disaster."
It's good news, ladies and gentlemen.
Only 180 years after the worst famine in Western Europe?
I'd call that a comeback, ladies and gentlemen.
No-one else has bounced back like we have.
Those people in Pompeii just died.
If they were Irish, they'd be selling lava lamps by now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
They didn't want it enough, that's the trouble.
Besides, if we all become skinny, it's boring, you know.
We lose the finest genre of TV shows in the world, which is people
losing weight on TV.
I'm always cheering for them
because I've been overweight in the past, you know.
I don't like the bit at the end in the American shows where the
trainer makes them carry dumb bells to represent the weight
they've lost, and they're always like, "Oh, my God!
"How was I carrying an extra ten stone before?" I'll tell you how -
cos it was evenly distributed...
..all over your body.
You weren't tiny everywhere else
and had two massive, five-stone hands,
just dragging them along the ground.
"I can't eat chocolate. It goes straight to my fingers."
LAUGHTER
"It's a very unusual weight distribution, to be honest."
So, when I read the stat that said we're going to be one of the most
overweight countries in Europe in a couple of years,
I kind of went, "UH!" and then went, "Ah." Then, "UH!" Then, "Ah."
You know, the same reaction as when you drive down a motorway
too fast and your head lamps catch the reflective
strips on the back of a police car, and you go,
"No, no, no, no, penalty points, penalty points, penalty points!
"Motorway maintenance vehicle?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No respect for those lads, do you?
They're the people that put up the stupid signs.
There's a sign on the motorway here that says,
"Caution, low-flying aircraft."
What are we meant to do...
..with that piece of information?
LAUGHTER
"Better not drive the car as high as I normally do.
"Get out there, Mary, and let some air out of the tyres to make
"sure we can make it under that low bridge."
It's not even my favourite road sign.
I'm always messing with people from Northern Ireland
that they're slightly scarier than people from the Republic,
and I say that even the road signs are scarier, and they are.
There's one halfway down a hill in a place called Newry,
and it just says, "Try your brakes."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And it's halfway down the hill as well.
If your brakes are banjaxed, you'll just zoom by it.
I notice these signs because I drive so much, you know.
I have a diesel car. I love a diesel car! Oh! You know why?
When you switch off a diesel it shudders, doesn't it?
Kind of goes "uh-uh-uh", like that.
You know what it reminds me of?
Do you know when you're on you're A-game with your partner,
sexually speaking, and you have a good session,
and then, you know, you separate and she kind of goes, "Uh-uh-uh..."
Ever had that? Anybody? Anybody?
I can see women looking at their fellas going,
"I've never shuddered, John. I have absolutely never shuddered.
"I don't know what he's talking about.
"I've fake shuddered a couple of times to get you off me,
"but I've never shuddered properly."
God, your missus is smiling. Good man, yourself. Good man, sir!
Look at her! "I've shuddered like you wouldn't BELIEVE, Neil!
"I've shuddered like a shopping trolley on a cattlegrid."
Fair play to you.
"All the fillings fell out on the best night of my life!"
I flew over a couple of days ago to London.
I actually quite like airports, mainly cos the funniest thing
I've ever seen happened in an airport. It was in Gatwick.
It was a Ryanair plane and an Aer Lingus plane going
from adjacent gates back to Dublin at the same time, and the Ryanair
plane was delayed and the Aer Lingus plane was on time, and Aer Lingus
started to take the piss out of Ryanair in their announcements.
It was magnificent.
All they did was make the announcements just after Ryanair.
That was it. So it was like... Bing-bong!
"Ryanair would like to apologise for the late departure
"of flight FR122 back to Dublin.
"It will be a considerable delay as the aircraft
"has not left Dublin yet to get here.
"Like to apologise once again for this considerable delay."
Bing-bong! "Aer Lingus are delighted to announce...
"..the on-time departure of flight EI-EI-O back to the homeland."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"You get what you pay for, I suppose."
And they kept doing it.
Bing-bong! "This is a Ryanair gate-change announcement.
"We're going through gate B12 when the aircraft does land. B12."
Bing-bong! "Aer Lingus would like to remind Ryanair that they can
"use our gate as we'll be finished with it in about five minutes.
"Boarding for our flight will commence in order of height.
"Feck it, why not try something new? We've loads of time.
"We have loads of time.
"Aer Lingus would like to ask Ryanair, would they like us
"to leave the key out for them,
"as it'll be very late by the time they get to Dublin Airport.
"Your dinner's in the oven. Please don't wake up the sniffer dog.
"The alarm code is 1916, as always."
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What they should have done was lull them into a false sense of security.
No announcements for 20 minutes and then hit them with... Bing-bong!
"Sh, Mary, it's my turn!" "I know...!"
"Ahem. Aer Lingus has read the recent report
"of the British Geological Society, stating, due to tectonic activity
"in the Earth's crust, the island of Britain
"is moving closer to the island of Ireland
"at a rate of one inch per year,
"and we think that Ryanair passengers
"might be better off...
"..waiting for those two to join..."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
"..and walking home at this stage.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
It was absolutely hilarious.
Would have been funnier if I wasn't on the fecking Ryanair plane.
My granny has dementia now.
I'm not going to try and make that funny. Nothing funny about it.
How other people relate to it can be weird, though.
Have you ever told somebody something and they want to layer
more sadness on it, because they're going to tell somebody else.
They're gossips. So, they'd say to me, "Oh, your granny has dementia.
"That's so sad, because, of course, she was so clever."
The implication there is, had she not been this clever,
this wouldn't be that sad.
That makes no sense, because then you could go,
"Oh, John has dementia."
"Ah, yeah, but John is thick as a brick, though.
"He doesn't have a lot to forget, John, does he?
"That'll be a hangover.
"I'd get him retested on Monday or Tuesday
"to see if the scores improve."
It's nothing to do with the dementia condition.
They're just gossips. Try it.
You could say anything to these people.
"Did you see Larry has leprosy?" "Oh, Larry has leprosy!
"And he loves trampolines, doesn't he?
"Can't be jumping up and down with bits falling off him
"like a fleshy Buckaroo, huh?" SCATTERED GROANS
"Imagine his next-door neighbours looking out the window and seeing
"less and less of him coming up over the fence,
"like Mr Potato Head, huh?"
"Brian's gone blind." "Brian's gone blind!
"And he was a well-known Peeping Tom in the area.
"You'd see him outside with his binoculars in one hand
"and his penis in the other, just pulling himself asunder.
"You can't do that with a guide dog looking at you,
"judging your every move, can you?"
"Jerry has jaundice." "Jerry has jaundice!
"And he loved wearing dungarees, didn't he?
"He looks like a Minion now.
"He looks like a Minion with the jaundice.
"He'll have to give up the snorkelling.
"The mask will complete the whole look, won't it?" Try it.
"Frank has lost both his arms in a farm accident."
"Oh, and he loved singing YMCA!"
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I will bid you goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. Goodnight.
Neil Delamere!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lovely stuff! Thank you very much for coming out tonight.
You've seen Celya AB...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
..Neil Delamere, and I've been Lou Sanders.
Thanks. Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE