sync & correction by f1nc0 -- Addic7ed.com --
All right now, a moment of prayer
to give thanks for our new barn.
- Why is everyone so quiet, Mama? - Shush, Caleb.
Now's not the time.
- Sorry, Brother Obadiah. - Thank you, Sister Make Peace.
May our glorious structure store enough food
to last us through the winter. Now let the merrymaking begin!
Mama, why are there two suns?
Oh, n...
- You sure this is fun for them? - Oh, yeah, they're havin' a blast.
Oopsie. Quick, hand me your water bottle.
- What the hell is in here? - Gasoline.
- Why? - In case my hog runs low.
Run, Caleb! This is our chance for a new life!
Don't look back until we get to New York!
- What about Brother Obadiah? - Let him burn in hell.
Shel, let's consider the possibility
that when Darla told you she had indigestion,
it was because she actually had indigestion,
and it wasn't some ploy to get out of... what did you call it?
- Bumping bacon bits... no offense. - Please, I'm honored.
But it's more than that.
I suppose the real source of my anger
is that Darla told me she's been storing my sperm
in her nether regions for months.
Ugh, that's disgusting.
Yeah, lady tortoises can store their turtle gold
and fertilize themselves whenever they want.
- Gross, right? - Well, I say, you go, Darla.
- Who needs a man now? - You want to be a father again?
Good Lord, no! I just fear the real reason
she's refusing to release the hostages
is she's waiting for someone better to come along.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Can we hear from someone else now?
Like I don't have options of my own.
Just last week at the beach, I spotted a glorious sea turtle,
a goddess of both land and water.
I longed for her to take me under her flipper
and be my exotic guide.
- Honey? - Damn it, Chief!
Remember when I broke Jill's urn of grandpa dust?
Well, the entire outside smells like that!
Oh, my God, fire!
What do we do? What do we do?
Did I put it out? Did I put it out?
Shut up! Where's Honey?
What are we gonna do? Um, I know!
We'll all get into Bubbles' bowl.
Nope! Only room for the two of us.
I got an idea. Run for your lives!
- Why is Shel in front? - Oh, God.
Wait. Where is The Gray One?
This is a wildfire emergency.
Please evacuate your homes.
Go to hell!
Hey, Gray One! Ain't you comin' with us?
Nah. I'm gonna ride this out with Madge.
- Her name is Madge? - I don't know.
But she took me in from the streets,
and I kind of feel like I owe it to her.
Damn it, Gray One, you're worse than this.
How awesome is this?
So when they say this is an evacuation center...
No, you can't poop in here.
So who are those jerks hanging out like they own the place?
They're the other classroom animals.
The lizard is Sheriff Cowboy. He keeps everyone in line.
And that bunny is Razzle-Dazzle.
She's got this really annoying kooky art teacher vibe.
Sometimes I like to mix it up,
have a breakfast burrito for dinner
and a dinner burrito for breakfast.
Yeah. There aren't any burritos here. She's insane!
♪ Ruff ruff ruff ♪
♪ Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ♪
And there she is, my leatherback mama.
I don't need to put up with Darla's meshuggaas.
Hey, girl, the name is Shel.
You see these grains of sand?
For every one of them, there's a unique
and unusual way I want to love you down.
- Now, what do you say to that? - I haven't said no.
- Ooh. - But first, would you mind
watching my babies for me?
I've got to jump back in the ocean real quick.
OK, clown man, that was a good one.
I'd be happy to watch the lil' whippersnappers.
Thanks, Shel. By the way, my name's Simone.
I look forward to gasping it in pleasure.
Hey, guys. Well, phew, we're all here.
Huh, guess we all got separated somehow in the chaos.
Crazy, huh?
OK, well, obviously, when the fire started, um,
yes, I left Jill's a wee bit earlier than the rest of you.
Um, so now I'm hoping we can process how we feel about that
so we can all finally put it behind us.
- Um, anyone? Max? - So you stabbed us in the back
just when it mattered most.
In Hollywood, that's called a Tuesday, Mama!
- Great. Chief? - Hey, Honey!
- How you doin'? - Love it. Elsa?
I decided to let it go because we're such good friends,
and I can use it against you later.
- Oh, Chico, hey. 'Sup? - Not me.
The dog I trusted most in the world
and loved almost as much as Kevin
ran out on me when my life was in danger.
You had to say "'Sup."
- That's what you're regretting? - It's one of the things.
- But, Chico, come back! Please! - A real friend is one
who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
I'm Razzle-Dazzle.
Chico, I'm sorry you're upset.
Come on, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones.
Don't go.
Let's hug it out. Come back!
OK, now you're running away from me, so we're even.
Great, OK, we're all good! Whoo!
OK, that was embarrassing.
Thank God I'm the only cool pet who saw.
Not now, Elsa.
Well, let me help you. I've been there.
- Mellow out. - Shut up, Sheila.
- Everyone knows you're pregnant. - Oh!
I know I come off as some kind of superstar, but...
beneath all this perfection...
I too have lapped at the bowl of shame and self-pity.
Like my first birthday party,
when the other dogs wouldn't play with me
because they were too intimidated by my moxie.
Or the time when I tried out to be a hospital comfort dog,
but the nurses thought my stubby little legs would
make it look like they were mocking the amputees.
But I showed everyone who I am by turning out awesome.
Wow, Elsa. Thank you for sharing those really cringey stories.
I can't wait to roll around in that traumatic mud with you,
just as soon as I get Chico back on Team Honey.
Really? Great!
Yeah, I'm vibin' on that vulnerability, girl. Keep it up!
Uh, that's all it takes for her to vibe on me?
I just have to be vulnerable?
Just goes to show, you can't have a rainbow
without some rain. I'm Razzle-Dazzle.
You ever done anything so messed up
it could haunt you for the rest of your life?
- Yep. Sheila. - Ugh!
OK, I don't know Sheila, but I know she deserves better.
Tabitha, where have you been hiding?
Brett and Stelios took me to fancy hotel.
- So why are you here? - Oof.
And since we only allow small pets in the room,
I'll just need to check that your two cats comply.
Perfect.
There's some serious "White Lotus" stuff
going on down here.
- So what did I miss? - Well, let's see.
Well, I'm not talking to Honey
because she bailed on us when the fire started,
and I have deep-seated abandonment issues,
- and... Tabitha? - Sorry, Chico,
I just realized I need to be with the popular pets,
or at least the stoners.
Oh, wow. First Honey, then Tabs,
not to mention your BFF, TGO, is MIA.
My best friend forever, The Gray One, is in...
- Miami? - He's not here!
Right. I hope he's OK.
I said, go to hell!
Yeah, I'm a goner.
Listen to me, and listen to me carefully.
You want to feel better,
you make someone else feel worse. Watch this.
- Aww. - See?
- Fun! Now you try. - Oh, I don't know, Max.
Seriously, though, Polly really did want that cracker.
Whoa! How come you never told me
hurting others would make my own hurt go away?
Well, because you never asked, fatty.
God, that hit the spot.
Hmm.
Meep.
- Meep. - Meep.
Oh, uh, hey, fellas.
Might it be possible for you to chill in your eggs for a while,
or at least until your mom takes the S-train to Paradise City?
- Meep. - Meep!
- Meep. - Meep.
Crap.
Oh, look at that, a new brunch place has opened up.
Hey, you broke my beak!
- Just call me the feather duster. - Meep!
Well, this certainly derails the S-train.
Ah, look at them all. I think I'll start by scratching
that bulldog in his smushed face.
No, no, no. First rule of bullying,
you pick on someone not your own size, all right?
Take those armadillos over there.
How's about you saunter over there
and call them a bunch of arma-dildos?
Well, for one, they're ducks.
Even better! It'll confuse the hell out of 'em.
Now go!
Duck, duck,
Greater White-fronted Water Goose!
- What's up, arma-dildo? - Um, we're ducks.
But, uh, we can be dildos if you want.
Hey, Gene, be careful what you're promisin', OK?
Gimme all your food before I quack your heads open!
Ah, the student has become the bastard.
And my mom tried to smother me at birth,
which coincidentally, was also the only time
- she ever touched me. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah, OK.
Wait, is that Chico eating bird food?
Oh, yeah, looks like he stole it from those armadillos.
That's it! The way back
into Chico's heart is through his stomach.
- Diablo, have you seen Nibbles? - I'm a little busy over here.
All right, Sheila, bite down on this Kong
and give me a real big push, OK?
- Sheila, I just want to apologize. - Get him out of here!
Nibbles! Where can I find some food around here?
There's some sad snacks in the teacher's lounge.
Come with me.
Did I ever tell you when I see humans kiss
I feel it in my butt?
Yah!
- Time to dance. - Charge!
Ah!
Damn it!
Why did their mom have to be so hot?
Yah!
- I got ya! - Oh, no, you don't!
- Aah! - Dig this!
Bye-bye, birdie!
There's plenty more where that came from.
Suck it!
No! You have got to be kidding me!
- Ah, come on! - I can't save them all.
- Daddy's hungry! - But I can save you!
My arm! My arm!
Oh, wait. There it is.
- Meep! - If I don't make it,
tell your mother that I loved... tushy stuff.
Chico, hi! So I was just unselfishly thinking
about how you might be hungry right now,
and so I brought you these baked Funyums
and hazelnut creamer.
Baked?
I will take the creamer, though.
Oh, my God.
Baked Funyums are the greatest things I've ever tasted.
Stealing from the teacher's lounge... shameful.
Nibbles, tell me you had nothin' to do with this.
No, sir! I don't hang out with selfish poodles.
Well, well, well, everyone,
looks like we have a very special guest today,
specimen of the species, Canis avaricious.
In layman's terms, that's a very greedy puppy.
No, no! No, I stole these Funyums
to prove I'm a good dog to a cat I abandoned in the fire.
- Throw her in the kiln! - I hate the Razzle, but I do love the Dazzle.
Is that Gray One's disgusting house?
Oh, my God!
And this is a point that I don't think
can be made enough... fires are scary!
Oh, no! The Gray One!
I know how to show Chico how selfless,
kind, and good I really am...
risk almost certain death to save his best friend.
And I'll do it in front of those news cameras,
so Chico can watch me be selfless on live TV!
- Honey, wait. - Ugh.
Elsa, I don't have time for you to tell me
how you still use a pee-pee pad,
or how you accidentally hooked up with your brother one time.
First of all, it was two times.
But I've been dropping vulnerability bombs
on your ass all day, and all you care about
is that one stupid cat is mad at you...
so much so that you're about to run into a burning building
just to make it right.
That's crazy. And guess what?
- Now I'm mad at you too. - I'm fine with that.
And it was three times if you count over-the-vest stuff!
And the evacuation order is in full effect.
- I'm not leaving my stuff! - This just in...
local eccentric billionaire refuses to leave her stuff.
Oh, come on! Who needs 400 issues of "Us Weekly?"
Wow, is that Josh Groban? What has he been up to?
Must make Chico forgive me.
Oh, no, you don't! Ah-ah, don't hit the poodle!
This is my rescue! Ha! Truck on that!
Hey! What's your problem, lady?
What's my problem? What's my problem?
- Ugh! - This is my problem!
- And this! - Ugh! Ah!
No! That burning building is mine to save!
Oh, no, the truck!
Ah, distraction fire for the win.
Hey, camera guy, this hot dog is about
to give you the "purrfect" lead story.
I'm just riffing, but you can use it.
The Gray One! Long story short,
Chico hates me, and the lizard with the cowboy hat caught me
stealing baked Funyums, and now I have to save you.
I figured, but I'm not going anywhere
- unless Madge comes too. - Are you crazy?
I just beat the spots off a dalmatian to get...
wait, is that Josh Groban?
Oh, yeah, he's restoring an old motorcycle.
What did you just say to me?
Do you know how popular I am? I am so popular.
Everyone loves me at this school.
Just kidding. Just kidding.
Oh, you are going' down...
- I mean, in. - Duckie, do something!
Oh, wait, no! Ugh.
I can't believe this is happening to me on my birthday.
Hey, easy, Chico. Come on now, she's just a kid.
Back off! Just like George Clooney backed off of you
when he jetted over to England
and dumped your pork butt!
Well, congratulations, Chico.
You turned bullying into something ugly.
Max, listen, I...
- What's happening? - Honey's on the news!
Who's Honey?
- Shut up and get in the locker! - On it.
And we're gonna zoom in on this one house,
where there seems to be a poodle trying to save
a shut-in and her mangy gray cat.
Let's not help and watch.
Hey, Honey, come check this out! You're on TV!
- Am I dead? - No, Shel, you're alive.
And you saved all 47% of my babies.
So does that mean
we'll finally gush gush in the mush mush?
Why don't we take a little swim, and you can find out?
Huzzah!
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
Oh! Oh, no!
Oh! Oh, that's right, tortoises can't swim!
Oh, help! Simone!
Oh, this isn't the way I wanted to gasp your name.
Well, this is anticlimactic.
I thought key moments of my life were suppo...
oh, there we go.
When I first met Darla.
The day that Darla disappeared.
The day that Darla returned!
Oh, my God, every key moment involved Darla!
What I wouldn't give to look into those droopy,
asymmetrical eyes one last...
Agh!
I guess I'll just have to gush my own mush.
OK, she obviously loves her stuff,
but does she love anything most of all?
Agh! She loves everything!
There's no hope. Wait. Say that again.
Who, me? Yeah.
Hope? Yes! That's it!
I could kiss you!
Who, me? Yes!
You give me back my limited edition
director's cut "Hope Floats" VHS!
You did it, Honey! Now, quick! Out the back!
OK, Honey, showtime.
No! That's too dangerous! Go out the back.
What are you doing?
Ah!
Ugh! Now we're trapped!
Oh, my God, Elsa was right.
Oh, no, and now my last words will be "Elsa was right"...
twice! Damn it.
- What the hell happened? - I'm not sure, but I totally saved us.
Actually, I saved you.
Yeah, nice try, Fake News. Yay, Honey!
Hope really does float.
Gray One, Honey! I'm so glad you're safe!
Honey, you're a hero.
- I'm not. - Quite the opposite, in fact.
Look, Chico, in trying to show you
how kind and selfless I am, I became a dog
that steals food, kicks other dogs...
- Ignores her friends. - and blows up fire trucks.
Though, that was pretty badass.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
- I forgive you. - I guess when things
are super stressful, anyone can blow up a fire truck...
or a friendship.
Max, I'm sorry I was such a jerk.
It's OK, Cheeks, you were right.
- George Clooney sucks. - He does.
But now you have someone even better.
Do you think you could have taught me these valuable
lessons without the love of your angel, David Spade?
You're finally with your person, Max.
My God, you're right!
And he'll never abandon me for his family
because he already abandoned his family for me!
- Get over here. - Aw, we did it, guys.
Wait, I can't get in.
Hmm.
- Darla! - Shel! Thank God...
Shut up, Darla! Let me finish!
This infernal tragedy has taught me something.
It's you that I want. You're all I'll ever need.
And seriously, you can hold onto my sperm forever
because I do not want any more kids.
They're like everlasting sex-stoppers.
I've had an epiphany too, Shel. You were right.
I was holding out for someone better.
But this fire has shown me how fragile life can be.
- So now I'm like, screw it. - No, no, no!
I'm releasing your turtles spurtle.
Congratulations, Daddy.
This is what you wanted to show me?
Yeah, dude. That small fire you started,
it burned out on its own, man.
So I wasn't responsible for the wildfire?
Nope. It was caused by lightning
and became an unstoppable inferno
thanks to years of drought brought on by climate change.
Oh, my God. What a relief!
- Is this New York, Mama? - Yes. We made it, Caleb.
Yeehaw!
Mama?
Yeah, man!
sync & correction by f1nc0 -- Addic7ed.com --