♪ Who can turn the world on with her smile ♪
♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪
♪ And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile ♪
♪ Well, it's you, girl and you should know it ♪
♪ With each glance and every little movement you show it ♪
♪ Love is all around no need to waste it ♪
♪ You can have the town why don't you take it ♪
♪ You're gonna make it after all ♪
♪ You're gonna make it after all ♪♪
Come on in, Rhoda!
Oh, hi, Mar.
Sorry I'm so late, but I overslept again.
That's okay. Breakfast is just about ready.
Oh, don't look at me. I don't have any makeup on yet.
Now that's where you're supposed to say,
"But Rhoda, you look sensational without makeup."
Have some juice.
Right.
Hi, all! And Rhoda.
Good morning. Would you like some scrambled eggs?
Uh, just some coffee, thanks. I have to drive Bess to school.
Don't you think you put a teeny bit too much makeup on your eyes?
Hey, Mary, I watched that documentary you did last night.
- Oh, yeah. so did I. - Hey, you both caught it.
Caught it?
Do you seriously think I'm about to miss any show entitled
"What's your sexual I.Q.?"
Well, what did anybody think?
I thought it was informative, enlightening and mature.
Yeah. In other words, totally boring.
Boring? You know, we didn't want to do that show in the first place.
You didn't?
No. It was the station manager's idea to do something controversial.
So we did it and he said it was too controversial.
So we ended up doing this noncontroversial controversy show.
Well, I got to admit, I switched to another channel.
But I got a terrific talk show.
They had on the woman who wrote "The Sensuous Woman"
and the man who wrote "The Sensuous Man".
Unfortunately, I never did get to see the end of the show.
They left together during a commercial.
Well, my entire family watched Mary's show,
and we found it very well done, especially Bess.
Bess watched "What's your sexual I.Q."?
Phyllis, isn't she a little young?
Well, Lars and I never censor what our little Bess watches on television.
Of course, we always have on some documentary
or special affairs program or such.
Oh, this is true.
I dropped by Phyllis' one day,
and there she was sitting watching a stimulating educational program.
It involved this group of well-informed ladies
guessing if there was a home freezer hidden behind a curtain.
No, I do not recall the occasion.
I'll have to ask someone, possibly my husband...
a man.
Come in!
- Hiya, Bess. - Hi, Aunt Mary, Aunt Rhoda.
- I'm ready for school now, Phyllis. - Good.
Have a little respect for your mother, kid.
Call her Aunt Phyllis.
Oh, Aunt Mary, I wanted to stay awake during your program last night,
but I'm sorry, I just couldn't.
Oh well, no, that's okay, sweetie.
I tried, but daddy's snoring kept making me sleepy.
Good kid, good.
Oh, well, we'll talk to you later. Come on.
Hey Rhoda, we'd better get a move on if I'm gonna drop you off at work.
Well, I'll put my face on in the car.
Ah, Rhoda, you're not gonna pull that tricky
adjusting the rearview mirror thing on me again, are you?
You think you have it bad!
You should hear the driver yell when I do it on the bus.
Mary, you know what really, really bugged me
- about that show last night? - What?
It was that part where you had to, you know,
add up your score, your sexual I.Q.
Don't spread it around, but I got a 47.
Rhoda, are you serious? Come on. It's just a silly, gimmicky little test.
Who cares if you didn't pass it.
I know I certainly don't care that I got a 90.
Wait a minute, Mary. Wait a minute.
You wrote up those questions. You should've got a hundred.
I wear flannel pajamas.
Well, I don't, and I still got a 47.
Well, how do you like that?
I flunked the sexual I.Q. test,
passed the national driver's test.
And, Mary, I'm a lousy driver.
Yes. Yes.
Well, thank you very much for calling. Good-bye.
Well, finally, a normal one.
The phone calls this morning have been insane, really insane.
What? People reacting to that sex show you did last night?
- Murray, it was an educational program. - Oh, I'm sorry.
But yes, people are definitely reacting to that...
sex show we did last night.
So far, it's nine calls for, fourteen against, and uh...
thirteen obscene.
You want me to take the calls for a while?
Oh Gordy, would you?
- Sure. - Oh, thank you.
Did I ring?
No, no, Mr. Grant. It's just that it's crazy out there this morning,
and I just need to take a break.
In my office?
Uh, well, I guess that's, that's a long enough break.
No, no. No. That's all right. It's all right.
It's the price I must pay for being such a sweetheart.
Make yourself right at home. Can I perhaps get you a cup of coffee?
No, Mr. Grant. I'll just be getting back now.
Hey! I thought our show was pretty good last night.
Oh well, thank you, Mr. Grant.
- I didn't... - Because I got an 88 on it.
That's a very good score.
I would've gotten a hundred, but I wear a flannel nightshirt.
Yeah. That, uh... that was the trick question.
Mary!
Caught your show last night.
Where'd you do your research?
You get what I mean when I said, "where'd you do your research?"
Yes, yes, I did, Ted. I got what you mean. Oh, yes. Uh-huh.
She didn't get what I mean.
You get what I mean?
Ted, everybody in the room got what you mean.
Everybody in the United States of America got what you mean.
And everybody thinks it's stupid! Everybody!
I knew it'd go over your heads.
Hello, newsroom.
Yeah, this is Miss Richards speaking.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- It uh... - Uh-huh.
Yeah, hold on a second, will you?
Hello? Uh-huh. Yeah, hang on.
Hey look man, I got another obscene caller.
Let me call you back.
Yeah. Yeah, I know you're in a booth.
All right, I'll hurry.
Hello? Hello?
Ah, he hung up.
I tell you, Mary, these obscene callers aren't as patient as they used to be.
Uh, Mary, when you finish that, would you please call sales
and find out which commercial spots we still have open for tonight?
Yes, sir.
- Uh, Lou... - Hmm?
I want to know why you didn't use me on that documentary last night.
We can talk about that later in my office, Ted.
No, no, Lou. I want to talk about it right here and now.
- Right here and now? - Right here and now, Lou!
You want me to tell you right here and now,
in front of everyone in this room,
people you work with day in and day out,
why I didn't want to use you on that show last night?
No, I don't.
I'll take it, Lou.
Newsroom.
Well, I guess Lou Grant was in charge of last night's show.
- Lou? - Yeah? Thanks, Gordy.
Hello?
This is Lou Grant speaking, yeah. What can I do for you?
Ah. Uh-huh.
Uh, hey, lady, it's really no business of mine
what you and your husband, uh, um...
Uh, look, I don't know. Uh...
Maybe if you had a couple of drinks, uh...
Nah, nah, wait, look, I don't give that kind of uh...
Just a minute. Mary, you want to take this?
Lady, I want to wish you all the luck in the world.
Sales, please.
The documentary on football. That I can't get?
Ah, Peggy Ann, it's Mary.
Can you tell me how many spots we have open on the show tonight?
Three, huh. Thank you.
Oh, really? Did you?
A hundred, huh?
That's terrific. Bye-bye.
Peggy Ann in sales.
Couldn't wait to tell me she got a hundred percent on the test last night.
- A hundred? - A hundred!
Say, Murray, if anyone asks for me, I'll be gone for a little while.
I... I think I'll mosey up to sales and buy something.
I wonder what they sell up there.
Mary?
- Yeah. - Mary?
What happened today?
I tried calling you at the office and I couldn't get through.
Oh, ah sorry, Phyllis. Just the... phone calls were driving me crazy.
Oh, by the way, did you pick up those things for me while you were shopping?
Uh, yeah, I did.
Here they are.
So, why couldn't I get you today?
Well, I stopped answering the phone about 11:00 o'clock.
You couldn't believe the weird calls in reaction to that show last night.
Mary, uh, would you mind if I changed the subject for just a second?
- Oh, boy, Phyl, I would love it. - It's about the show last night.
Phyl!
Well, actually, I wouldn't have thought about it had it not been for the show.
Ah. Oh, this is so hard to talk about.
Oh, no. They've gotten my home number too?
No! Go away!
I'll get it.
Hello? Oh.
You're right. It is an obscene call.
- Ohhh! - It's Rhoda.
Hi. Yeah, come on down if you want.
Honestly, Phyllis, the two of you...
Oh, Mary.
We really like each other. We really do.
Except as people.
Anyhow, about this other thing.
The problem is... Bess.
Bess?
Well...
she's growing up now, and...
Mary... I can barely look at you in the eye when I say this.
She...
What I want to say is,
I cannot bring myself to tell Bess the...
...facts of life.
Well, sex, to name names!
- Hi. - Oh, Rhoda.
What? What?
We were right in the middle of a very delicate, very complicated...
Oh. You want me to leave, I'll leave.
So go on.
The insensitivity boggles the mind.
Phyl, why don't you give Bess a book on the subject?
A book for what?
Oh...
teach Bess the facts of life.
Are you satisfied?
Phyl, really, they have a whole bunch of books on the subject.
Fertilization, birds, bees, flowers, you know, that kind of stuff.
- No. Bad idea. - Why?
My parents gave me a whole bunch of those books,
you know, on nature and stuff, when I was a kid,
and it just confused me.
I sort of ended up thinking I had to swim up the Columbia River.
So, uh, how-how did you finally learn?
Ho, ho.
Well, never mind.
Phyl, if you can't bring yourself to tell Bess,
why don't you have Lars do it?
- Lars? - Well, he's a doctor.
Oh, no. No.
He'd probably just fall asleep.
Mary... I was thinking.
You did a documentary on the whole thing.
Oh, and you want me to tell her?
Oh Phyl, no, I don't think so.
- Oh, why not? - Well, it's... it's not my place.
Mary, I don't want her to learn about it on the street.
I could tell her.
Thanks, but I-I-I don't think she needs to know quite that much.
Mary?
- Oh, Phyl! - Oh, please? Oh!
- All right, I'll tell her. - Thank you, Mary.
I just hope I tell her the right way.
Oh, don't worry about it. It's really easy.
Well, then why don't you do it?
Because handled incorrectly,
it could affect my little Bess for the rest of her life.
Okay. Okay, Phyllis, I will tell Bess on Saturday morning.
Right. In the morning when it's open and honest and in the shadowless sunlight.
8:00? Uh, Phyl, could we make it a little less open and honest?
I like to sleep late on Saturday. How about 10:00?
Fine. I'll see you then. What?
Oh, Phyl, I don't think it makes any difference what Bess wears.
I'll see you Saturday. Good-bye.
Honestly, she is starting to get me so uptight about this whole thing.
You know Mary, about Bess, you can always not tell her.
Not tell her?
Well, you gotta figure,
if they haven't shown it on Sesame Street, it may not be worth knowing.
Yes, Ted Baxter here.
I'd like to send a rose.
Uh, no, miss, not roses. A rose. A single rose.
Miss Peggy Ann Waterson, sales department, WJM-TV.
I'd like the card to read,
"To the memory of a memorable evening."
And charge it to my account. Thanks.
Say, Mary, got any more of those
eight-by-ten glossies of mine laying around?
Uh, yeah, I do. You want the front shot or the profile?
Give me the composite. What the heck!
Shall I stamp your autograph on it?
No, this is for somebody special.
I'll do it myself.
Murray, wouldn't you think
a parent could tell her own child the facts of life?
I never thought I would have to do it until it was my child!
Oh, Mary, don't let it worry you. It's really nothing.
Eh, he's right. It's no big deal.
Like with us and our kid.
Now we decided to tell him early, you know, before he got any wrong ideas.
So we just sat him down and told him straightforwardly and factually
- and that was that. - What did he say?
He said he'd rather have a horsey.
Maybe we told him too early.
Ted, just out of morbid curiosity,
because I happen to have a bizarre sense of humor,
how did you first hear about it?
- Hear about what, Murray? - About sex.
Well, I don't understand. Does this have anything to do with my date last night?
No, no. He means how did you first find out about it?
Oh! Well, I read a book.
It told me everything I needed to know.
God's little acre.
There seems to be a lot of conversation in this room.
But I don't hear any typing going on out here.
Could I hear a little typing, please?
Sorry, Mr. Grant, it's my fault.
Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping it was his fault.
It wasn't my fault, Lou. It wasn't my fault.
So, what's the subject?
Facts of life and how to tell somebody.
Is this some date of yours? I could...
No, Mr. Grant.
- It's not you? - No, it's not me.
- Because I figured you'd know... - I do. I know.
It's a little girl that I know and...
Mr. Grant, you've got three daughters and...
how did you handle it?
Easiest thing in the world. Most natural thing I ever did.
What did you say?
Well, I simply gathered the family around me,
and I said, "Kids, your mother's gonna tell you all about sex now."
and I left.
Mary, what's the date today?
Uh, October 23.
October 23.
The day my little Bess discovers the meaning of being a woman.
October 23.
No, uh... no, wait. I think it's the 24th.
October 23 or 24.
The day my little Bess discovers the meaning of being a woman.
Oh, Mary...
I think I'm going to cry.
Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
Oh well, Phyl, don't be embarrassed.
You want to cry, well...
you just go right ahead and cry.
Oh, Mary, thank you.
Well look, Phyl, don't feel called upon to cry, you know?
It's there for you to do if you, uh, care to.
Mary, be frank.
Do you think I'm copping out not telling Bess myself?
Yes. But Phyl, if you can't tell her, then you just can't tell her.
Good morning, team.
Has everybody got their birds and bees sweatshirts on today?
- Oh, Rhoda! - Oh, relax. Don't worry, Phyllis.
I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just auditing this course.
- Hi, Aunt Mary. - Hi, Bess.
Well, it's October 23... or 24.
The day I go shopping.
- Bye, Phyllis. - Good-bye, Bess.
- Good-bye, Phyllis! - Good-bye, Mary.
Good-bye, Rhoda.
Well, are you... hungry or anything?
No thanks, I just ate. Is it okay if I just watch TV?
Well uh, what, now?
Well, it's just that all the great programs are on Saturday morning.
You know, the noneducational ones that Phyllis kills me if I watch.
Oh, yeah. On Saturday morning they have that terrific Dr. Slime.
- Oh, they cancelled Dr. Slime. - Oh, no. You're kidding.
They cancelled the doc?
Mary, get me a crayon. I'm writing that sponsor.
Listen, um, Bess, maybe later...
uh, later on we could watch some TV.
Right now, there are a couple of things
that I wanted to talk to you about.
Okay, sure.
You-you know, Bess, I was thinking that...
well, you're really at a great age, you know?
It's before you get into the whole world of dating,
uh, but after you've started to look around and notice boys.
- Excuse me, Aunt Mary. - Yes, darling?
Well, I won't interrupt you or anything, but
are you leading up to telling me about love and stuff?
- Well, yes. - Oh, good.
Well, 'cause I tried asking Phyllis, but you know how she is.
Oh, I know, darling, and that's why she asked me to tell you about sex.
Sex? I thought you were gonna tell me about love.
I already know all about sex.
- You-you do? - Sure. Since last March.
Alison Mott told me while we were ice skating.
At first, I didn't believe her, but Stephanie Weitzer backed her up.
So we all talked it over and took a vote on it and voted it was true.
Oh, I'm so glad. For its sake.
Well, are there any questions?
Well, sex I know about.
But the whole thing about love, well, that I gotta know.
'Cause of Howie. The boy I go with, Howie.
He's captain of the eighth-grade Raiders
and he's the smartest boy in our whole class.
He shaves once a week. He's really cute.
Is he married?
Sorry. Force of habit.
Well, anyways, Aunt Mary, he loves me, but...
Well, the thing is, I don't know if I want to love him back or not.
Well Bess, you don't have to love him back if you don't feel it.
Well, I kind of feel it, but...
What?
Well, everybody says that love and sex go together, right?
Well, yes.
So if you love somebody...
Do you... do you...
Oh, Bess, no!
Of course not!
Oh, sweetheart, is that what you were worried about?
Uh-huh.
Oh Bess, darling, no, you need not think about that for a while.
No, darling, you are allowed to love someone
and not even be concerned about the other thing.
Really?
Sure. Just look at any couple who's been married ten years.
- Rhoda! - What?
Oh, Aunt Mary, I'm so glad, because he really is nice
and it'll be so nice to be able to love him back.
- Aunt Mary? - Yes, darling?
- Can I watch TV now? - Yes, you may.
Well, how'd I do?
Oh Mary, great, great. Inspired even.
Thank you.
Listen, there were really some good thoughts in there.
- Yeah? - Yeah, separating sex and love.
I don't know what you did for the kid, but I think you just changed my life.
- Whoo-hoo! Mary? - Hi.
Mary, how did it go?
It went fine, just fine.
It-it wasn't traumatic for her or anything?
No, no, Phyllis.
I think Bess has a very nice picture of the whole thing.
Oh, good. Oh, I think I'll go tell her myself now.
Uh Phyl, she already knows.
Oh, I know, but now that the ice has been broken,
I think it would be a nice memory for her
to hear it from her very own mother.
Whatever you think is best.
I know exactly what I'm going to say.
I'm going to make it sound beautiful and
spiritual and ethereal.
I'll make it sound almost true.