- Well, I've spent the entire weekend
watching a tape of my a&e biography
and I've realized a number of things.
- How many don't involve your looks or your weight?
- Four.
- Or your hair.
- One.
- Make it quick.
- Everything bad that's happened in my life
has had a direct connection to men.
- Huh, go on.
- Well, I've spent all my energy
pleasing husbands and boyfriends
and having them please me,
if you catch my drift.
- Yeah.
- I mean, who knows what I might have become
if I hadn't always been side tracked.
I could've been the president or a scientist
or at least mastered multiplication
and goes into.
- I have a radical suggestion.
Abstain from sex for awhile.
- Well, thanks for listening.
- Seriously, seriously,
just think about giving up sex.
- You know, my therapist once suggested the same thing,
but I thought that was just his way of breaking up with me.
- Now, a few years back
I was going though this confusing time
and I decided to give up sex for awhile.
I mean, not to get all new agey, but you know,
suddenly I found all this clarity.
My life really came into focus.
- Clarity, focus.
You know what?
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna be celibate.
- Hey, don't let that discourage you, alright.
That's only one person's opinion.
Nina?
- Here's your problem.
Port connection isn't hooked up to your panties,
your printer.
- So, what is the big crisis?
- The writer we hired to pose
as a high school student just called in sick.
- What?
We set aside 10 pages for this.
- You know, as a backup...
- We're not doing the Sandra day o'Connor piece.
- But I've got some hot new stuff.
Do you know what the other justices call her?
Sandy.
- Maya, no.
All we have to do is find someone who can pass
for a high school kid.
- Yeah, but where?
- You said but where.
No way.
- Dennis, it's just one day.
Stanley can fill in for you.
- It's Kevin.
- You don't look like a Kevin.
- I know, I don't feel like a Kevin.
- Look, I'm not wasting my time
hanging out with a bunch of children.
- Come on, Dennis, it'll be fun.
You'll be undercover.
- Yeah, it'll be easy.
You just have to hang out with the kids,
find out what they think.
I'll do all the writing.
- Forget it.
I hated high school the first time around.
I was too fragile to play sports,
never had a date, never went to the prom.
- You must've had friends.
- Just a bunch of guys that called me Denise
and took my pants.
- Dennis, I strongly suggest you reconsider.
- Jack, you really think you can bully me
into going back to high school by taking my juice?
- Whoops.
Hey new guy.
- Dammit.
- Kevin, is the radio on in here?
- No.
- I thought I heard singing.
- I didn't hear anything.
Just organizing.
- You didn't hear that?
- What?
- Nothing.
Well, okay, see you later.
- Okay.
- It is you.
- It won't happen again.
- No, no, it was so beautiful.
- I have to go.
- So sweet.
Such sweets sounds from such an odd bird.
- Nina!
- Miguel, what are you doing in town?
- I have a two day layover.
Layover.
- My goodness.
- Can we go back to my hotel for a drink?
I'm in the mood for Nina-colada.
- If anyone needs me I'll be in ecstasy.
- Nina, Nina, can I talk to you?
- Can you hold on for just one moment?
- I am in an erotic holding pattern.
- What about our conversation?
You know, focus, clarity, no sex.
- But the only thing Miguel and I have in common
is sex.
- Nina, this is the perfect test,
a chance to prove you can take control of your life.
I'll be right here if you need me.
- Miguel, I'm sorry,
but I'm afraid I can't go back to your hotel.
I've decided to become celibate.
- Congratulations.
I look forward to making love to the new you.
- No, no, no, I'm serious.
- She plays hard to get, no?
Well, when I come back,
I will turn up the heat from uno to ocho.
- What airline do you work for?
- So, we have a little initiation ritual here
to welcome all of our new students.
- Right.
- So we'll be needing your pants.
- Oh, here we go.
- Hey guys.
Hi, krissy.
- Hey, krissy.
- Mark, what are you doing?
- I'm getting new guys pants.
- How many pairs of tiny pants do you need?
Heads up, it's Mr. Peters.
- What's this little congregation?
Mark, aren't you supposed to be
in my English class right now?
And you, no drinking in the hallway.
- Hey, that's mine.
- Well, now it's mine.
- What's you name, young man?
- D Finch.
- And the d stands for?
- D-cup, 'cause that's the way I like my ladies.
- Well as of today, d stands for detention.
- Are you sure d doesn't stand for dance.
- Oh very clever.
That'll look very nice on your permanent record.
- Oh no, not my permanent record.
Then I can't be an English teacher
and wear a powerful high energy sweater vest.
- Hey, watch it.
- Let me guess, you took the teaching gig
so you'd have time to write a serious novel.
- That's enough.
- Now 15 years later, it's still not finished
and you won't show it to your wife
because it's not any good.
- It's a work in progress.
- You smoked him, man.
- Dude touched my juice.
- I'm telling you, he has an incredible singing voice.
- Kevin, the mail guy?
- He creeps me out.
Have you noticed how he walks?
His arms don't move.
- Believe me, no one is more uncomfortable
around Kevin than I am,
but you gotta hear him sing.
Kevin!
Wait'll you hear him.
- Yeah?
- Kevin, I was just telling them
what a beautiful voice you have.
- What do you mean?
- The way you were singing earlier.
- I don't sing.
- Of course you do.
Now come on, sing something.
- I'm afraid you're mistaken.
- Well done, dad.
I almost believed you.
- I'm telling you,
he has the voice of an angel.
- Uh huh and a basement full of hitchhikers.
- Don't ever do that again!
- But I thought you... - Ever!
So you have some messages.
- So why did you get kicked out of your old school?
- Well, I borrowed the principal's car
for a little trip to Vegas.
With his wife.
- Cool.
- Hey, d-cup, we're gonna go tell the guys
what you said to Mr. Kowalski in gym class.
- Yeah, d, say it again.
- All right,
you climb the rope.
- Awesome, simply awesome.
- Well, I gotta hand it to you, d,
everyone's talking about you.
- Well, that's the way it is.
- I think you're full of it.
- What do you mean?
- Pretending you don't care about school
or teachers or your permanent record.
I'm not buying into your act.
- Really?
Maybe I'm not buying into yours.
- I don't have an act.
- Oh, I think you do,
in your costume, playing the part of little miss popular,
but secretly you're terrified
if you let your guard down no one will like the real you.
- You know, your little mind games
may work on Mr. Peters, but not me.
I don't have any secrets.
I'm not hiding anything.
- Good for you.
By the way, nice nose job.
- Shut up d bag.
- Ocho.
- Oh my god.
- Is this not the office of Nina Van horn?
- Uh, no.
- Could you send her in?
- Sure, yes.
Nina,
your boyfriend is sitting behind my desk,
naked, smoking a cigar.
- That is so romantic.
- Nina, it's not romantic.
It's not even hygienic.
- Not to mention,
this is supposed to be a smoke free environment.
- Elliot, what am I gonna do?
- Let's go get a cup of coffee.
- You're right,
remove myself from temptation.
Good idea.
I'll just get Miguel's order.
- Hey, there you are.
How'd it go?
- Unbelievable.
I was a god.
It was like a dream come true.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, what about your research?
- My what?
- For the article, your notes.
- Oh yeah, tons of them, lots of stuff happening.
I'll type it up tomorrow.
- Oh, give me a taste.
What do today's high school boys think about girls?
- Ah, they like them.
- That's it?
- Especially the complex brainy ones
that work on the school paper.
- I knew it.
Because we're inquisitive and literate
and that's sexy.
- D?
- Krissy, what are you doing here?
- You know I followed you.
- I do?
- Come on, you tried to ditch me
by going in that creepy porn shop.
- Oh yeah, right.
- So, what are you doing here?
- After school job.
It's kinda lame, but they give me time off
to tour with my band.
Why'd you follow me?
- Because no one ever talked to me like you did.
- Yeah, listen, I didn't mean to get all road rules on you.
- No, no, no, no, no.
It was more than road rules,
I mean, it was the real world Hawaii.
And that's exactly the medicine I needed, d.
- Sometimes, d is for doctor.
- You are so finchy.
- Finchy?
- Yeah, it's a new word at school.
- Really?
Well, you're pretty finchified yourself.
- That is so sweet.
Okay, here goes.
D-cup,
will you go with me to the prom?
- The prom?
- I know, I know, it'll probably be really lame
and everyone will be fawning all over you
and be voted king and queen, but.
Are you crying?
- No.
- Hey, you look fancy.
Where're you going?
- To the prom.
- Finch, that's so great.
I so appreciate you going the extra mile
for this article.
- No problem.
- What's that?
- Corsage for my date.
- You're taking a girl?
- Oh, not just any girl, the head cheerleader
and she asked me.
- Finch, you can't do this, it's wrong.
- Wrong, how in your twisted mind is this wrong?
- You're a 33 year old man going on a date
with a high school cheerleader.
- Head cheerleader, top of the pyramid.
- Oh, bitchin'.
- First of all, no one says bitchin' anymore.
Secondly, it is bitchin'.
I get to go back to high school again
and this time I'm doing it right.
- This is so sad.
- Sad, you know what's sad?
Soon all my new friends will be going off to college.
- Nina.
- Miguel.
- I must leave this afternoon.
This is our last chance to couple as god has intended.
- Oh dear.
- Listen, pal.
- Oh now that's just sexy.
- Nina, I cannot take off until we've made love.
It's part of my preflight check list.
- Be strong.
- Your husband's starting to annoy me.
Let me just kiss your neck.
If you feel nothing, I will go.
Yes?
- No.
- Yes, it's all right.
I'm clear, I'm focused and I am in control.
Nothing.
- Very well.
I will pick up a chick at the duty free shop.
I will have sex and tax free cigarettes to boot.
- I'm very proud of you.
You've made great progress.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
- I can't.
- Why not?
- Because if I move I'll have an orgasm.
- Mr. Gallo?
- I have mace in here.
- I just wanted to apologize for yelling at you yesterday.
- Apology accepted.
Kevin, wait.
I have to ask, you have the most beautiful voice
I've ever heard, why don't you let others enjoy it?
- I did once, but I got hurt.
- Was it a girl?
- Yeah, from back home.
- Where's home?
- Jupiter.
Jupiter, Florida.
- Oh, of course, grapefruit country.
You don't want to sing for others,
that's your business, but I just want you to know
how moved I was by your voice.
It reminded me of the last time my father took me
to carnegie hall.
I was 12 and there was a tenor there
with a voice as beautiful as yours.
I guess the memories just came flooding back.
Anyway, goodnight, Kevin.
♪ Oh Danny boy
♪ the pipes the pipes are calling
♪ from Glen to Glen
♪ and down the mountainside
- Oh my god, look at the decorations.
Look at the lights.
It's like something out of cinderella.
- Seriously, how lame is this?
- Oh yeah, that's totally lame, very unfinchy.
Would you like to dance?
Right here, in front of everyone.
- D, you make me feel like a Princess.
- Ditto times two.
- So later on, some of the gang
are gonna grab some champagne
and head up to the lake.
- The lake?
Oh, there's a lake.
There's always a lake.
The lake is perfect.
- Cool, 'cause that's where I'm gonna tell you
I love you.
- What, wait, you love me?
- Shh, not 'til the lake.
- Listen, krissy, I understand you're hot for me.
I'm totally rockin', but you don't love me.
I mean, that's just the lights and the music
and the after shower body spray.
- No, it's not.
It's me cutting through the bull
and getting to what's real.
You taught me that.
- You've only known me for one day.
- Look, I know it may seem crazy,
but I know how I feel.
I have totally fallen in love with you
and nothing you can say can change that.
- Oh krissy.
I'm 33 years old.
I know that might be cool to your gang.
- Ew!
- Let me explain.
- Ew!
- No, i'm... - Ew, ew, ew, ew!
D-cup is 33.
The old guy totally wanted to perv on me at the lake.
- No, no she's kidding.
It's a big joke.
Dude, it's d-cup talking, it's finchified, man.
I'm keeping it real with the finchiness.
Nina, what are you doing here?
Just thinking.
Ha ha, good one.
- Hey, why the tux?
- I was at the prom.
- Yeah, good one.
Well, I've had a great day.
Seized control of my life.
I looked into the navel of the beast
and I said no, gracias.
- I had a chance to definch a cheerleader,
possibly in a paddle boat.
And I, too, said no, gracias.
- Mine was Spanish.
- Ah, mine took Spanish.
I guess you can't be a kid again.
- Oh god, remember back when
just holding hands meant everything.
- Or sitting close.
- Or a longing look.
- Or having your knees touch.
♪ Life keeps bringing me back to you
♪ keeps bringing me home
♪ it don't matter what I wanna do
♪ 'cause it's got a mind of its own
♪ life keeps bringing me back to you