- Finch, how do I look?
- Uh, like a desperate woman hanging
onto a youth she can't even remember.
- How bout now?
- Much better.
- Okay.
Oh, you ready to go, Elliot?
- I can hardly wait.
- Well where are you guys goin'?
- Oh, we're judges at the rave TV fashion awards
today's the orientation meeting.
- You made him a judge?
But you said you were going to make me a judge.
- Dear, people say a lot of things when they're lying.
- Wow, these categories are so specific.
Outstanding swimsuit model 95 pounds and under.
- At least get me backstage.
There'll be hot girls around.
And then we all go back to puff daddy's house.
There are gonna be really, really hot girls
running around.
We're gonna take a jacuzzi, get naked,
and that's when I sell 'em this groove.
♪ Z-z-z-zootdippa dippy dog
♪ yo yo yo yippie yo ♪ yippie yay
♪ yip yap yow ♪ not my gun ♪ not my gun
- And finally, I propose we end every issue
of Emily with the parody of a well-known poet
because even a literary magazine should have
a sense of whimsy.
Thank you.
- Well, Maya, I've heard a lot of magazine proposals,
but that one was very complete.
- Oh, you think so?
- Oh yeah, I mean, is it still light out?
- See, I know Emily is not going to outsell
rolling stone but it still has a great demographic,
educated, well-read, women who appreciate...
- Deerslayer.
- What?
- Nothing, go on, well educated, something or other.
- That was a signal to Finch, wasn't it?
What, is he supposed to barge in here
and save you from my boring proposal?
- Maya, please, how could you get that
from a simple word like, deerslayer?
- Jack, there's a crisis, Maya needs you right away.
Didn't you say deerslayer?
- I meant foxfire.
- If you didn't like my proposal
why don't you just say so?
- Jack gallo's office.
- Honey, it's just not a good time
to launch a magazine.
The market is saturated.
- But that's my point.
There isn't a market for this.
I mean yet.
- Jack, that was a guy from your country club,
he says you can't have your 8:00 tee time.
- Why not?
- Cause he already gave it to your son.
- Damn, you gotta be quick.
Wait, I don't have a son.
- I mentioned that it's named after Emily Dickinson right?
- There's some guy running around claiming
to be tad gallo.
- Tad gallo, this guys got some nerve.
Call the club back and get a number
for this bozo.
Arrange a little meeting.
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't mention my name.
- Right.
What name should I use?
- Hmm, I've always been fond of Rex cable.
- I'll think of something.
- Okay, everybody.
Let's get going.
I know we don't vote until Thursday,
but there's still lots to do.
Well, I see some new faces, I see some old faces,
I see some new faces on old bodies...
Hamilton.
- Hammy, is that you?
Did they leave anything?
- Okay, before we dive in, does anyone have any questions?
- I was wondering, when voting for best designer,
do we base it on originality...
Hold that thought.
Champagne, everyone.
Oh.
Thinking of you from tennes active wear.
Well, I'd say tennes is going to be hard to beat.
- What are they nominated for?
- Who cares, hand me a ballot.
- They're kidding, right?
- I hope so.
People, let's now be swayed by the champagne.
- Thank you.
- Because I heard that dor d'luge is sending us all
DVD players.
Yes.
- Does anybody have a problem with this?
- I do, too dry.
Better luck next year, tennes.
- We can't keep any of this stuff.
It's bribery.
- Bribery.
- Elliot, it's not bribery.
These are souvenirs.
- What exactly is the difference?
- To be a souvenir, the item must have
the word souvenir printed on it.
- Don't worry, it's all in the by-laws.
♪ Oh, that reminds me
look what came yesterday from tod Herman designs.
Souvenir leather shoulder bags.
- For god's sakes.
This is-this is so soft.
- And, it could be like the new yorker
only smarter, without all the flash.
- Uh-huh, now where the hell is this guy?
- Oh dad, take it easy.
- Take it easy.
Maya, this con artist is disgracing the gallo name.
I assure you this is not what your grandfather
had in mind when he changed it from gallofart.
We're here to meet a Mr. Gallo for lunch.
- He's already here. Right this way.
- Hey, son, long time no see!
Or don't you recognize your old man,
you lying little dirtbag?
- Oh, no, this isn't... This isn't Mr. Gallo.
- Honest mistake.
Maya, throw some money at this.
- That's Mr. Gallo.
- Now, you make sure those seats are in the front row,
because when that chopper leaves miss Saigon,
I want to be picking rice paddy out of my teeth,
you hear me?
- So you're tad gallo?
- Yeah, that's me baby, g-a-double l... oh!
Mr. Gallo, I know this looks bad...
- So, you're the guy claiming to be my son.
- Please sir, let me explain.
- You got 60 seconds.
- Cuban?
- 90 seconds.
- You see, I'm trying to break into the publishing business,
and I needed to get a few doors opened, and,
like a great entrepreneur once said,
you got to connive to survive.
- Hey, that's from my autobiography.
- I know!
It's brilliant!
It makes me proud to pretend I'm your son.
- I... I'm flattered, but, uh, this little charade of yours,
it can't actually be working, can it?
- Oh yeah, you wouldn't believe the contacts I've made.
- But, I mean, there's not exactly a family resemblance.
How do you pull it off?
- Well, I took care of it.
- You're lucky he had a great sense of... oh!
You're tad gallo?
- Why is that so funny?
- Well, you know because you're...
- Because I'm what?
- Well, don't take this the wrong way but,
I suppose it's possible.
- And that sir, is how I pull it off.
- Hey, I love it.
Waiter, a drink for my fake, black son.
And by putting the printing facility
under a different corporate name, I'm able to...
- Decrease your tax liability.
- It's like i'm looking into a mirror,
at night.
- Dad, I, oh.
- What's up, pumpkin?
- Um, well, I've done some rethinking about Emily.
- Your cousin with the wandering eye?
- No, my magazine proposal.
- Ooh, Jack, if we don't hit the golf course,
we're not going to make our tee time.
- Dad, you're not even listening to me!
- Sure, I am, pumpkin.
Cousin, wandering eye, very sad.
- No, dad, my magazine idea, and excuse me, tad,
but my confidential magazine idea.
- Could you tell Dennis to push the tee time back?
- Thank you.
- Until when?
- Point number one, poetry is a dance of the intellect.
- Thursday.
- Point number two...
- Hey, if it's not too much trouble,
Jack wanted me to ask you if you could
push the tee time back.
- Listen up here, tee time.
If anyone here is Jack's fake son, it's me.
- What's that?
- I see you moving in on the old man,
worming your way into his confidence.
Let me tell you something.
I will not eat, drink, or sleep until I discover
your little plan.
- My plan is to pursue a career in publishing.
- Guess again, my friend.
You just rolled the dice, baby,
and they came up Finch eyes.
- Look, I don't know why you're mad at me
or what it is you do here...
- Da, da, da, all you need to know
is I'm a very important integral part
of the infrastructure of the organization.
- Well, how important do you have to be
before they give you a chair, dude?
- Someone keeps taking it.
- I'm sorry, I still say it's not the right time
for a magazine.
- So none of my research has had any effect on you?
- Well, your pie graph made me hungry.
Hey, I meant to ask you, why tad gallo?
- Because I always tell people that I'm just a tad gallo.
You like that one?
I do, I do.
You know, it reminds me of the time when I tried to
fake my way into the New York athletic club.
- Maya?
- Yes?
- That son of a bitch stole our daddy.
- Finch.
Check out my camcorder.
All the judges got one as a souvenir.
- Hey, Finch, I'm shooting you.
Say something funny.
- Um... - Ha, choked.
Hello, welcome to the fundance film festival.
- So you keeping it?
- Of course I am, it's a souvenir.
- Heh heh, souvenir, I love it.
It's like in high school, I didn't cheat on my s.A.T.S,
I teamed up with the guy in front of me.
- You know, you've got it all wrong.
It's all on the up and up.
- Dude, relax, it's me you're talking to.
- No look, it says souvenir right there.
- Okay.
- You're not looking.
_ dude, I'm not gonna narc on you.
- There's nothing to narc on, all right.
It's-the by-laws are very clear.
- If it's in the by-laws...
- Don't judge me!
I'm a judge.
Don't judge the judge.
- Come on. Why are you so uptight?
What have you got, gold in there?
- Hey. Is my dad in there?
Ha ha ha!
- Yeah, he's working on a project with precious, tad.
- What kind of project?
Ha ha ha!
- A stupid laugh at everything project.
- Hey, fish, are there any diet sodas in the fridge?
- Uh, Finch is the name, and, uh, I wouldn't know.
Some of us don't need to diet.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Well, if anything, you should bulk up, man.
- I drink those protein shakes, but nothing happens.
- I know.
- Sometimes I do a scoop and a half.
- I know.
Hi.
- Hi.
I just came to get my easel.
- I'll bring it to you later.
- Well, I'm here now. I'll just take it.
- Well, that doesn't make any sense.
Why don't you run along, and I'll have Dennis
call a guy from the loading dock.
- Is there something you don't want me to see?
- Absolutely not.
- What's this?
- Hey. Ho, isn't that great?
Jack's going to help me launch my own magazine.
Panache, ha ha.
It's about cars, cigars, and upscale bars.
- Is that so?
- Yeah, we're meeting with the financial backers
later on today.
- You told me it wasn't a good time to start a magazine.
- He lied to us, Maya.
He lied to both of us.
- Dennis, if you don't mind,
this is a family matter between me and Maya and tad.
- How do you explain this?
- Maya, just calm down.
It's not... huh, they made a mistake.
It's supposed to be panache with an exclamation point.
- No, there's no exclamation point.
- Really, I always pictured it with an exclamation...
- Who cares about the exclamation point.
Either way, it's must a lame ripoff of esquire.
- Ooh, now hold on, sister.
- I am not your sister.
- Hey, don't start with me.
- Now kids.
- She's the one who started it.
- Oh, my god!
He totally started it!
- What are you, six?
- Jerk.
- Oh, very clever.
She calls herself a gallo.
- I am a gallo.
You're the one who's not a gallo.
You're not even a gallofart.
- Elliot, you're late.
Silly, you don't have to bring your stuff every day.
- I'm returning it.
- What?
- They're bribes and I'm returning all of it.
- Elliot, don't you dare, you'll embarrass me.
- I don't care, this is wrong.
We should know better.
You should know better, Nina.
- Ok, as you see on your ballots...
- Excuse me, before the vote, I'd like to say
a few words about these so-called souvenirs.
When I first came here...
What's that sound?
- My massage chair.
And I suggest everyone try theirs.
- Wow, that's great.
Where's my ballot?
- As I was saying, just so there's no semblance
of impropriety, we should return these gifts.
That way we can vote with a perfectly clear
conscience, and you know what?
I think that would make us all feel good, really good.
- Oh, try the lumbar sweep.
- Oh, oh, it's almost naughty.
- Damn it, turn those massage chairs off.
I will be heard!
Look, I know it's fun to get free stuff,
but let's not fool ourselves.
These souvenirs aren't free.
The cost is our integrity, and once you put a price on that,
it's a slippery slope.
Look, I don't want to preach.
I just think we should all ask ourselves,
what do we believe in?
- I don't know, dez.
I think he may be right.
- What does he know?
He's a newcomer, and may I add, a real pill.
- Well, I am not a newcomer, and I have something to say.
I have been on this committee for three years,
and in that time, I have taken dozens of gifts
without a second thought, that is, until now.
The fact is, we should be asking ourselves
what we really believe, what really matters.
And as I sit here on this souvenir massage chair
eating souvenir caviar, it just makes me realize
we should be taking these gifts.
Yes.
- What?
- Yes, I am talking about america's dirty little secret,
that awards always go to the best and the fastest
and the brightest.
Well, how do you think that makes the worst
and the slowest and the dumbest feel?
Well, I can tell you from experience, not good.
- I don't believe this.
- So, back to business.
Who's taking the Matisse?
- Hey, who gets Dudley do-right's stuff?
- I want what he's wearing.
- Go now. You may be in danger.
- Andrews!
- Great to see you again.
You remember my kid, Jeremy?
- Of course, this is my protégé, tad.
- Tad.
- Please.
- So, Jack, let's hear what you got.
- Oh, no, no, no. This is tad's show.
- Oh.
- Take it away, kid.
- All right.
Ok, as you can see from these demographic studies...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Would you gentlemen please excuse us?
What about the joke?
I thought you were going to open with the joke.
- Yeah, but I decided not to.
I think the joke's a little weak.
- What are you talking about?
That's a killer joke.
- Yeah, I kind of don't even get it.
- Fine, you don't have to tell the joke.
- Cool.
- I'll tell it.
How about this weather?
It's so cold outside,
I saw a lawyer with his hand in his own pocket.
They're all yours, kid.
- Thanks, Jack.
- Okay, the magazine is called panache,
and the basic premise...
- No, no, not just panache.
Panache with an exclamation point at the end.
- Uh, there's no exclamation point.
- Trust me. You want an exclamation point.
It says excitement, danger, and glamor.
Now, I admit, it doesn't say sex,
but we'll have pictures for that.
You like girls, Jeremy?
- What it's really about is cars and gadgets.
- And sex tips.
- No, no.
Readers of panache don't need sex tips.
- My wife says everyone needs sex tips.
- Jack, I think maybe this meeting's a bit premature.
- Oh, no please, stay right there.
Uh, Jack, can I see you outside
for just a teeny tiny little minute?
- Oh, sure.
There will be an exclamation point.
- What are you doing to me in there?
- I'm trying to keep you from making a fool of yourself.
- I appreciate everything you've done for me,
but let me handle this in my own style.
- Your style?
You don't have any style.
You're here to learn my style.
- Oh, now I get it.
See, you don't want a protégé.
You want a clone of yourself.
No wonder your daughter's such a head case.
- Hey, you watch your mouth.
She may not smoke a cigar or swing a golf club
or tell a joke right, but she's more of a gallo
than you'll ever be.
- Well, if this is what it takes to be a gallo,
you can keep it, I'm outta here.
- Quitter!
- Golf hack.
- Poser.
- Biatch!
- I don't know what that means, but I'm gonna ask around.
- I don't care if tad's gone.
I will never forgive Jack for what happened.
Things will never be the same with us.
- Dennis, there you are.
Before you go, can you clean the gunk
off my golf shoes?
- Oh, don't you want tad to do it?
- No.
- I won't let you down.
- So what are you working on?
- It's a critique of Susan faludi's views
on the patriarchy modern day Germany.
Oh, what's the point?
It's not like anyone will ever read it.
- I'm glad you finally came around.
Oh.
Look, Maya.
I'm sorry, I liked tad's magazine better than yours.
No, it's not just the magazine.
It's, when I came to work here three years ago,
I thought that it would bring us closer.
And you only knew tad for five minutes and...
Forget it.
- Maya, you know I love you.
But tad and I, I guess we just clicked for awhile.
- I know.
And with you and i, it's like we're on
totally different wavelengths. - Planets.
That's incredible.
I almost said wavelengths.
It's like we've got some kind of...
♪ Do do do do do do do do
- hmm. Nice try.
- Well.
Hey, I was gonna go catch the ranger game.
- Oh, have fun.
- I got an extra ticket.
- Will it be violent?
- No.
- Will you buy me a program?
- You got it.
- Will it have articles in it that aren't about hockey?
- Why don't you bring a book?
♪ Life keeps bringin' me back to you
♪ keeps bringin' me home
♪ it don't matter what I want to do
♪ it's got a mind of its own
♪ life keeps bringin' me back to you