- Hey, what you doing?
- Oh, I was just thanking your friends,
jan and Elsa, for inviting us over.
- Oh, I knew you'd love them.
What did you write?
Dear jan and Elsa, thank you for having us over.
I especially enjoyed the.
- That's where I got stuck.
- You don't like jan and Elsa?
- Oh, they're just not my type.
I don't know, maybe it was the creepy tapestries,
or her lecturing me on how Americans over clean themselves,
or how they named their poodles jan and Elsa.
- That's supposed to be ironic.
- What's ironic is that the dogs smell better than them.
- Fine, fine.
I just thought it would be nice
to have some friends in common.
- Oh, come on, we have Finch and Nina.
- You sure people can read it?
- Go get 'em.
- Dennis, three things.
First, take the sign off Nina.
Second, I'd like to apologize.
I know I've been obsessing over
what to get Donald trump for his birthday,
and I may have been a little gruff with you lately.
- Not at all, you've been a huge pain in the ass.
- Well, I appreciate that.
And third, I have finally found the gift.
- Oh, thank god.
- Voila!
A piece of cinema history.
Peter Fonda's bike helmet from easy rider.
- That is perfect, I'll wrap it immediately.
Choose a ribbon.
Okay.
- Is this gonna blow him away, or what?
- Well, it's nice.
- Nice?
- Nina!
- What do you mean, nice?
- Well, it's a little like what trump gave you last year.
You know, the hat John Wayne wore in true grit.
- Oh, my god, you're right.
It's the same thing only not as good.
- No, no, no, check this out.
See how cool it is?
Picture it as a cowboy hat and, bam!
I look stupid, right?
- I'm screwed.
- Oh, Jack, don't you think you're overreacting?
- I can't help it.
Both our birthdays are next week,
and every year trump gets me a better gift than I get him,
and then he rubs my face in it at our poker game.
Sometimes he even does a little dance.
Jack, you gotta get...
- I'm going to go out on a limb here,
and I say the kettle on page 47 symbolizes not life,
nor even hope, but rather the hope for life.
- Wow.
I picked a great night to bring you to my book club, huh?
Oh, come on, admit it.
You thought it was going to be boring.
Hey, I'm not putting down your friends,
it's just isn't it fun to be with people we both like?
People with passion, ideas, and...
Are you drooling?
Elliott?
- I'm up, I'm up.
I was having a nightmare.
No, I wasn't.
- Excuse us for a moment, please.
- No talking about the book.
That has to be done in front of the group.
- I'm sorry, it was a boring discussion about a boring book.
- Boring?
It's Angela's ashes!
- Oh, please, we're starving, dad's drunk, we're starving.
- Oh, I see.
You're just too cool to be in a book club.
- No, I describe it as too alive.
- You know, we don't need your
superior attitude around here.
- Oh, no, what will I do with my evening?
- You could go spend it with your eurotrash friends,
jan and smelsa.
- I'm gonna go do something more fun
like help fold t-shirts at the gap!
Hey, thanks a lot, I got a lot out of it.
- Sea breeze, light ice.
So, Ethan, how's trump treating you, buddy?
- Ha, he's on this new egg-whites thing.
He thinks it'll cut down on his dandruff.
- Jack's binging on sweet rolls.
He thinks cinnamon will help his night vision.
I don't know.
- Ah, why do we stay with them?
- It ain't for the gratitude, brother.
Mm-mm.
Okay.
Yo, Tony, how's Larry king treating you, buddy?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Hey, well at least the birthday crisis is over.
- Oh, trump found a gift for Jack?
- Thank god, yes.
Now maybe he'll stop being such a grouch
and go back to chasing show girls.
Has Jack found a gift?
- Not yet.
- Is he wigging out?
- What do you think?
- A suit of armor with a built-in stereo?
- No!
- I just wanna go home!
- Sit down!
- Oh, it's making him crazy!
He's taking it out on everyone in the office,
especially me.
- I hear ya.
- And the whole thing is so stupid.
They don't even like each other.
It's just to see, who's smarter?
Who can be more creative?
Who's richer?
- Well, we both know who's richer.
- On paper, maybe!
Hey, I'm sorry, man, it's a long day.
- Hey, my bad.
So what's trump getting him?
- It's the gold cigarette lighter
that jfk gave to frank Sinatra.
- Oh, my god, that is so cool.
Really?
Eh, poor Jack, that's gonna kill him.
- He's negotiating with a private collector.
The deal's gonna close tomorrow.
- Hmm.
Hey, joanne, how's Martha Stewart?
Poor thing.
Do you ever think about getting out, Ethan?
Living like regular people?
- I don't know.
Assisting a regular person?
- No, no, I mean not being an assistant at all.
- You mean being a Butler?
- Forget it.
- Yeah, and i'm really, really sorry.
- It's okay.
- I mean, if I could stay awake during high school math,
you'd think I could manage to...
- Apology accepted.
- Right, right.
- Oh, I guess I'm just like you.
I wanted my friends to become our friends.
- Hey, there's no law that says
that we have to depend on other people to have fun.
- You're right.
- I mean, sometimes couples
hide behind other couples as a crutch.
- And you know why?
It's those damn beer commercials.
Large groups on the beach,
big bonfires, like that ever happens.
- Hey, how about tonight, just the two of us,
we go out for a nice dinner?
- I heard about this great place in soho.
They've got a hot new chef, swing band,
big dance floor.
- Ooh, you know how to swing dance?
- No, don't you?
- No, but we can learn.
- Okay, but let's go early.
- Why?
- Cause I really hate it when
people crowd right up against me.
- I know what you mean.
They can hear everything you're saying.
- Okay, the models are wearing sherbet colored sweaters
while eating sherbet.
So orange sherbet, orange sweater.
Peach sherbet, peach sweater.
- Yes, yes.
Peach.
Beach sand.
Sandy Duncan.
Dunkin doughnuts.
What if I get trump the world's biggest donut?
- Why, Jack, it's perfect.
- You said that the past 50 times.
- Well, why won't you believe me?
- I'm sorry. We have an issue to put out.
I need to focus.
- Thank you.
- Focus.
Hocus.
Hocus pocus.
- Why, Jack, it's perfect.
- I didn't get to the idea yet!
- Please, I just want it to be over.
- Jack, your lawyer wants you to sign some of this.
- What, speak up!
- What's the matter with you?
- Hangover.
Sea breeze is a demanding mistress.
I told Ethan we should've split the second one.
- Ethan, trump's secretary?
- Not secretary, assistant.
- Wait!
Did he say what trump was gonna get me?
- Please, don't you think we have better things to do
with our free time than talk about the guys we work for?
- You just gave yourself away, boy.
- Have a seat, Dennis.
- I can't tell you guys anything.
It'd be a violation of our code.
- What code?
- The assistants' code.
Anything we tell each other about work is confidential.
If I told you about the gift, it would ruin my reputation.
- Oh, for god's sakes!
A reputation is no big deal.
I've had mine since seventh grade.
Well, if anything, it's held me back.
- Look, Dennis, I admire your integrity, but,
technically, you won't be breaking a confidence
because as soon as trump gives me the gift
I'm gonna know anyway, right?
- I guess.
- So telling me now just gives me a benchmark
to help me choose a better gift.
- Oh, Jack, I don't know.
- Oh, I know
it makes so much sense it's scary.
- But if this ever got back to Ethan,
- it won't.
- But if it ever did.
- It won't.
- But if there's any chance...
- All right, spill it, squirt!
I will not spend the rest of my
mid-to-late 30s in this office!
- You mean you actually fell asleep
at the book group?
- With his mouth open.
- Well, in my dream I was screaming for help.
- Oh, oh.
- We understand exactly what you're going through.
When we were first dating,
Lori made me go to her wreath-making class.
- Forget it.
- Oh, Ben, look who's at the bar.
- Oh, yeah, this guy donates a lot of money to the museum.
I better go grovel.
So how long have you been together?
- Well, 12 years. How about you two?
- About a month?
- Or two if you count the evening we spent
with jan and Elsa.
- Oh, uh, Ben's giving me the signal.
I better go rescue him I'll be right back.
- They're really nice.
- Yeah, I like them, too.
And I love that they have a signal.
We should get one of those.
- All right, I'll work on that.
- Do you think it would be too weird
if we asked them to do something with us?
- Are you sure, we just met them.
- I know, but I have a good feeling about them,
and they wouldn't be your friends or my friends,
they'd be our friends.
- And what happened to we don't need other people?
- Oh, you know I was lying!
I want my life to be like those beer commercials.
- Well, I think we just got another sarcophagus.
- Listen, we have to go, but...
- Oh, right.
Well, we were wondering.
You know, it seems like we're hitting it off really great,
I mean, you know, we don't want to be too forward.
- Please go out with us.
- I'm sorry?
- Well, we just hate to leave here and never see you again.
- I mean, I have no idea if you'd be into this,
but we were talking about going to a swing club.
- Really?
Well, that's the signal for yes.
- We'd love to.
- Oh, great.
Okay, here's my number.
Give me a call and we'll work out the details.
- Okay, sounds great.
- Great.
- Bye, bye.
Until tonight.
- Terrific.
- Wow, they seemed so straight.
I'd never guess they were swingers.
- True.
But that's what everybody always says about us.
- So I was thinking we could do a piece on women astronauts
who they are, how did they get there...
- What lingerie do they wear back on earth?
- I like that.
- Elliot.
- Hey, it's our tax dollars, we deserve to know.
- Oh, my god, my taxes!
Oh, screw it.
- Dennis, you're late!
- Jack, can I speak to you in your office right away?
- I'm in the middle of a meeting!
- Fine, I'll wait.
So back to the summer issue
if we're gonna go towards bathing suits
I was thinking of a board...
Dennis, I think it's sharp now.
- Sharp enough to stab me in the back?
- Alright, my office.
Keep brainstorming.
- If we stop working, are you gonna tell?
- But we have so much work to do!
- Maya!
- No.
- You stole trump's gift idea!
- Not true, I used it as a benchmark.
- No, you didn't.
You outbid him on the lighter, and then you gave it to him!
- Dennis, Dennis, grow up.
You told me about the perfect gift,
it was still on the market, we both knew I was gonna buy it.
- I didn't!
And now my friends will never trust me again!
- But I doubled my trust in you,
so you see, it all evens out.
- No, it doesn't even out!
You can't fast-talk your way out of this one.
- Come on, Mya.
I mean, Dennis.
Aren't you being a little dramatic?
- Don't tell me I'm being dramatic 'cause you weren't there.
- I don't know what you guys are talkin' about.
- Trump is furious at me.
He took away my personal phone line
because he doesn't trust me anymore.
- Hey, there's gotta be some way
we can straighten this out...
- Forget it, you're out!
You broke the code, Dennis.
You broke the code. - Don't you say that.
Broke the code! Don't say that.
- Broke the code! - Stop it!
Broke the code!
- Come on, they didn't chant it.
- All right, I made that part up,
but it was still humiliating!
- What do you want me to do?
- Nothing.
You know, you and I had a code, but we don't anymore.
I can never trust you again.
Broke the code.
Broke the code!
- Alright, I get it!
Broke the code! - Alright!
- Mm, this wine is excellent.
And I love your apartment.
- Oh, thanks.
- And this dip.
- Calm down, honey, they already like us.
- So, should we leave soon?
- Now I'm getting nervous.
It's our first time.
- Your first time?
- You know,
a club might not be the best place for beginners.
- Really, why not?
- Well, they're crowded,
and frankly, there are some real showboats.
It can be a little intimidating.
- Oh, now see.
I was afraid of that.
- Yeah, our first time was in our home
with a small group of people.
Remember how the dog kept jumping on everyone?
- Our little Jack Russell.
- So, why don't we stay here?
- Yeah, I don't want to make a fool of myself.
I hear it can get pretty complicated.
- Oh, honey, only if you let it.
- Well, I'm gonna need to stretch,
'cause I pulled a muscle at the gym.
- Oh, I'm cool, I take yoga.
- Jackpot.
- Still here?
- What else am I gonna do?
I got no place to hang and no friends to hang with.
- Want to have dinner with me?
- Like I said, I have no friends.
- I see.
Well, then, good night.
- Good night.
Elevator's over there.
- Dennis, I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.
Every year this birthday stuff makes me crazy,
and I just went too far.
I got so caught up in impressing someone I don't care about
I ended up hurting someone I do.
- You just read that off a post-it.
- Hey, this is very important to me.
I didn't want to mess it up.
- Whatever.
- Dennis, what if I go down to your bar
and personally apologize?
- Won't make any difference.
- What if I told them I forced you to break your code?
- They'll still hate me.
- What if I give each of them $1,000?
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ for he's a jolly good fellow
♪ who didn't break the code
- is this enough room?
- You tell me.
- Usually we work around the furniture.
- So, should we put on some music?
- Not too loud, though,
or else my neighbors will bang on the ceiling.
- Well, we'll be banging on the floor.
- Yeah, girlfriend.
- Mm, you smell like strawberries.
- Oh, thanks.
- You know, Maya is very sexy.
- Uh, yeah, thanks.
- She really seems like a lot of fun.
- Oh, yeah, she is.
- Does my wife have a sweet ass or what?
- Excuse me?
- She really maintained her figure.
I guarantee you're going to enjoy having sex with her.
- Isn't this a little too slow?
- It's all about the mood.
- And the mood is getting rude.
- Maya, I'd like to talk to you in the bedroom.
- I want to get some shoes with better traction.
- Oh, yeah!
- Remember, Ben, pace yourself.
Pace yourself.
- Honey, I'm not sure we chose our new friends wisely.
- Oh, sweetie, they're not gonna laugh at your dancing.
- No, Maya, they're swingers.
- I think the term is swing dancers.
- No, no, the term is horny couple seeks same.
- You think these people wanna have sex with us?
- Quite badly, i'm almost positive.
- Oh, I see what's going on.
It's sad, really.
You're spent so much time in your sleazy jet-set world
you can't even recognize nice, normal people.
- What, Maya.
- No, you do what you wanna do.
I'm gonna go out there,
I'm gonna learn something new, have a little fun.
We give them a half an hour,
they do whatever they gotta do,
and then we'll see if they wanna go swing dancing.