- You have the most adorable ear.
- Come on, we're not supposed to do this at work.
- Sorry, you're right
- no, wait.
I mean, that's why it's exciting
it's forbidden.
Aww oh, that's more like it.
Hey, why don't we sneak into the studio?
- Elliot might be in there.
- Finch!
Finch!
- Maya!
- Finch, you are sick.
Nina, you should take him to one of your sexaholic meetings.
- Sexaholic.
Wait, you like go to those meeting?
Wait, they really have those meeting...
Wait, are there other women at these meetings?
- First, I only go because my new boyfriend
is the therapist who runs the group.
I mean, it's not like I have a problem.
Although, having constant sex with him
really helps my self esteem, at least for a while.
Then, of course, the darkness returns.
Any-who.
- Hey, that sounds like a great cause.
Maybe I should volunteer my time.
You know, give something back.
- Ha!
Forget about it.
- Come on, take me there.
I can make coffee, answer phones, organize a lotion cart.
- No way.
- Take me.
- No.
- Take me, take me, take me!
- Oh god, now you sound like one of them.
- Good people of blush, gather 'round.
Dennis has an announcement to make, Dennis
- okay, due to a slow down in the economy,
the following people will be laid off.
- No.
Nothing to worry about, folks.
That's next Tuesday's, Finch.
The cookies.
- Yes.
As you know, Jack's lovely daughter, Hannah,
attends the woodbridge academy; And again this year we will
be selling cookies to raise money for the school.
- Of course, buying cookies is completely voluntary,
so no pressure, Dennis.
- Everyone here starts off
with a little sad face next to their name.
But once you buy five boxes of cookies, presto,
it turns into a smiley face.
- Now this chart is for bookkeeping purposes only.
I'll hardly even notice it.
Eye level, please.
Yeah.
- Jack, your story of the suffering children
has touched my heart.
Please allow me to be the first to contribute.
Will you take a check?
- Dennis.
- Uh, cash for you, deadbeat.
- Can you put it on my phone bill?
- No.
- Well, anyway, it really touched my heart.
- I'm sorry, but I think this whole thing is wrong.
- What's the problem, pumpkin?
- I'll tell you what the problem is,
you're bullying your staff into buying cookies.
- Come on.
Nobody's bullying anybody.
- Dad, a chart with everyone's names?
Frowny faces, happy smiles?
It's pure intimidation.
- That's absurd.
Who here thinks I'm intimidating?
Well, answer me!
- Hi, I'd like to order a custom Teddy bear.
It's a present for someone special.
Okay, it has to be holding a camera.
Oh, and is it possible that it could be bald?
Oh, call you back.
Hi sweetie.
- Hi.
- Hi what?
- Um, hi there.
- Sweetie, that's what we call each other.
- Ah, see I didn't know that.
- I didn't know that... - Sweetie.
- There you go.
- So what was the last time you had a boyfriend?
- You mean a boyfriend, boyfriend?
- Never mind.
- Oh, um, I thought we would have dinner
with my friend Donna tomorrow night.
Is that okay?
- Oh, sure.
Isn't Donna the one you went to Cancun with last year?
- Yeah, until she dumped me all week
for some guy she picked up and left me
with no partner for the talent show.
I had to do "who's on first," all by myself.
- We're having dinner with her because...
- Because she broke up with her boyfriend.
- Ah, poor thing.
So I guess we'll make out in front of her.
- Oh yeah.
You can even grope a little.
Delivery, open up.
- Hi.
- Alright Elliot, here you go;
Six boxes of choco-latta bang bangs.
- Great.
- If I could just get you to sign here,
we'll get that frown turned upside-down for you.
- Why don't you stick around, we'll crack open a box?
- I'd love too, pal, I got a few more stops to make.
Pink one's yours.
You guys have a good one, now.
- Thanks.
- You know, Elliot, I'm not buying cookies.
- Huh?
Oh, yeah, I heard about your intimidation speech.
Good for you, Maya.
- I was thinking good for us.
- What do you mean?
- I mean we're a team now, me and you, right?
- So nobody on the team gets to eat the cookies?
- No, it's not about the cookies,
it's about my father making people throw cash
at a school for rich kids.
Do you know what they're raising money for?
A new chandelier for the dining hall.
A new chandelier!
- That's terrible!
- I know it seems like a little thing,
but it's really important to me, and it would mean a lot
if you would back me up; As my sweetie.
- Okay.
I kind of really like the cookies,
if that counts for anything.
- Yeah, it doesn't.
- The thing to remember is,
it's not wrong to have sexual desires.
- That's him, that's my guy.
- But we have to express those desires
at appropriate times and places.
Where was I?
Anyway, let's hear from the group.
- My apartment's four blocks away.
- What's wrong with right here?
- Well, I guess i'd like to say something.
- That's weird, she sounds like my ex-wife.
- Hi, my name is Adrienne, and I'm a sex addict.
Hi Adrienne.
- Oh my god!
- Wow, it even looks like her.
- It is her, moron.
- The thing is I have this fantasy,
and I can't get it out of my head.
It's kind of becoming like an obsession.
I'm sorry, this isn't easy for me.
- Please, take your time.
We're all here for you.
- Well, it sounds really silly.
See, in my fantasy, there's a man dressed like a buccaneer.
He slips into my bedroom where I'm wearing a skimpy nighty,
we tear off each other's clothes, and have sweaty,
passionate sex over and over and over.
Not helping.
- Sir, please.
- I can't get it out of my mind.
I don't know what to do.
- Sometimes fantasies reflect our inner conflicts.
Who do you suppose the buccaneer represents?
- Well, that's the wildest part.
I know exactly who it is.
- It's a pirate, she just said.
- Shh.
- It's my ex-husband.
- Madam, please.
- I can't believe Adrienne's a sex addict.
- You never saw the signs when you were married?
- No.
I mean sure, we had sex, but she was never that into it.
You know, sometimes she even pretended to be asleep.
Which, of course, made it even hotter.
- So when are you gonna do it?
- Do what?
Dress up as blackbeard, sneak into her apartment,
and fulfill her fantasy.
- Look, we all have fantasies.
I have one where I think Jack is my real father,
and I get to eat dinner at his house.
Do I really want it to happen?
No, I have my own stupid father.
- Don't you want to get Adrienne back?
- I'll do it my own way; Psychic mind messages.
- Look, nothing captures a woman's heart
like a grand romantic gesture.
I remember once my second husband
was out of town on business,
so I paid a surprise visit to my friend Lauren hutton.
So I ring the bell, and who answers the door but my husband,
stark naked, with a Rose in his teeth.
How he knew I'd drop by, I will never know, I just...
- Uh, I think I'll explain that one later.
- Dennis.
- Holy crap.
- Hi Nina.
- Hello, dear.
- Why are you here?
- Well I'm doing a shoot here tomorrow,
and I don't want it to be weird, so I thought I would just,
you know, stop by first and say hello.
- Oh, well, you two probably want to talk in pirate...
Private.
- It's been a while.
- Yeah.
- For you, too?
Oh, yeah, right.
- So what's new?
- Not much, grew a quarter of an inch.
Doctors are baffled.
You?
- I don't know.
I got new drapes.
- Oh, nice.
- Oh, and I might be in a movie.
- Wow, so much is happening to the both of us.
You with your movie, me with my growth spurt.
It's like all of our fantasies are coming true.
Or are they?
- What are you doing?
- Cookie?
- Anyway, they need me for a fitting.
You know, I keep thinking we should get together some time.
- Really?
- Yeah, I mean I kinda miss how you used to crack me up.
Like that silly humping thing you did
when you thought I was asleep.
- That was good.
We had some fun times.
That's good stuff.
- She wants you.
- I think she might.
- Might?
God, first she fantasizes about you,
then she drops by to say hello.
Now she wants to get together?
- Okay, okay, well what do I do?
- Okay, okay; First thing's first.
Where are we gonna find you a pirate costume?
- My closet.
I have one left over from my figure skating days.
Although, should I snip off the tassles?
- Elliot, there you are.
I just got an extra shipment
of semi-sweet choco-latta bang bangs.
Can I put you down for, say 10 more boxes?
- Sorry, Jack, I don't think so.
In fact, I need to return the ones I already bought.
- But you love these cookies.
- It's just that Maya and I were talking, and...
- Oh, now I get it.
- No, no, no, no, no; This was my decision.
- I understand.
Too bad, though.
They're even better this year.
- Really?
- Mmm hmm,
I think they put something in them to boost the bang bang.
Oh, here it is; More sugar.
Try one.
- No, no thanks.
- Right, wouldn't want to get in trouble.
- I wouldn't get in trouble, it's just that Maya and I;
We're a team now.
- I'm only teasing.
- What are you doing?
- It had a hairline crack.
I have such an abundance,
I don't have to eat any that aren't perfect.
Chipped edge.
So, on this team; Are you the bitch?
- What the hell does that mean?
- Nothing.
I wish I were man enough to do exactly what my wife told me,
but I'm not, so I'm stuck with doing what I want.
Oh well.
- You don't think I do what I want?
- Didn't you hear my bitch comment?
- I do what I want.
- So Donna, my sweetie and I
are so looking forward to seeing you and...
- Maya,
I can do what I want.
- Donna, hold on.
You know what I want?
I want to take you to my apartment,
rip off all of your clothes,
pour warm honey all over your body,
and lick it off inch
by inch.
- Jack.
- Meow.
- Right, thank you.
- Aaargh!
Yar!
Yar?
Stupid Nina, idiot.
So what time do you have to get up tomorrow?
Actually, I can sleep in.
- Great, why don't you do it on top of me?
- Oh Steve.
Hey, did you leave the lights on?
- I don't think so.
- It's such a nice night.
- Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Funniest thing happened today
while we were raiding this crack den.
Turns out we broke into the wrong house.
- Oh my god, not again.
- I know; Bitch slapped this guy half dead
before we finally figured it out.
- Steve.
- Eh, what are you gonna do?
Door's stuck.
- Hey, have you seen my slippers?
- Maybe under the bed?
- Nothing there.
- Anyway, knocking the door down, I don't know,
I kinda threw my shoulder out.
Is there any chance I could get
one of your special back rubs?
- Oh yeah, I have massage oil in the bathroom.
- Thanks, honey.
- Ooh.
Alright, now let me just find something to slip into.
Oh my god!
- What?
- I thought I left this in Jamaica.
- Wow, that is hot.
- Oh, maybe I should slip into it right now.
- Maybe you should take it
to one of your sexaholic meetings.
- Those people are so weird.
I know it's great research for the movie,
but pretending to have an obsession
is starting to creep me out.
- What the hell was that?
- What was what?
Steve, you are so jumpy.
You need to relax.
- I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
Who's that?
- Jack, I've got cash.
How many boxes will this buy.
- What is this?
- A rolled up hundred.
I found it in my hollowed out Bible.
- Praise the lord.
Nearly perfect, Maya.
Happy faces everywhere, except for one frowny face,
and one sissy boy.
- Sissy boy?
At least he stood up to you.
Take another look at that chart, dad.
It shows that there's only one man in this office
with the courage to stick to his convictions,
to do what's right, to act with dignity and self-respect.
- If you say so.
- I do say so.
Elliot.
- It's okay, I didn't buy 'em.
They're from the garbage.
- Alright, we'll take one box.
- Mmm.
- So, did you sail the high seas?
- Shut up, I'm never gonna listen to you again.
- What happened?
- She brought home her crazy cop boyfriend,
that's what happened.
- Ooh, and did you keep an open mind?
- I could have gone to jail, I almost got killed.
Plus my hat is in tatters.
- I can fix that.
- I doubt it, it's not on a seam.
- Look, the important thing
is that you just put all of this behind you.
- Dennis!
- If you can.
- What the hell were you doing last night?
- Um.
- He was with me.
- Where?
- Alright, Finch did it.
He's a madman.
I begged him not to, but... - Nina!
- I mean, he was at my house having dinner.
That was a close one.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- I see, then how do you explain this?
A dry cleaning ticket for one pirate cape
with your name on it.
- Hey, I love your new drapes.
- Dennis, I can't believe you.
How did you know about that pirate thing, anyway?
Are you stalking me, you little pervert?
- Pervert?
How dare you.
I was at that meeting to prey on desperate women.
- How dare me?
How dare you, you hid in my bedroom.
- How dare you, invoking my name in your crazy fantasies
without my expressed written permission.
- That's the lamest thing I ever heard.
- Yeah?
Well, stick around, baby.
- You've gone too far this time.
I'm calling Steve.
- You have no proof, he can't arrest me.
- He can break your legs and dump you in an alley.
- I hope he does,
'cause I'll sue the city and be a millionaire.
- Dennis.
- How dare you!
- Just listen.
I know what you were trying to do last night,
but there is no chance of us getting back together again.
- Yeah, I know.
I just miss you, you know?
And I think about you, and...
Never mind, I'm sorry.
- Well, you should be.
- Well, I am.
Do you think we can still be friends?
- Well, if you promise to never,
never do something like that again.
- I promise.
Hug?
This feels so right.
It can't be over.
Some day we'll look back and know
this is the moment when our romance really started.
Ooh, choco-latta bang bangs.
♪ Life keeps bringing me back to you
♪ keeps bringing me home
♪ it don't matter what I'm gonna do, 'cause
♪ it's got a mind of it's own
♪ life keeps bringing me back to you