- Oh, Maya, your boyfriend's on his way up.
- Ha-ha, boyfriend.
- Come on, he's not my boyfriend.
Although we are getting along really well.
You know what I like about him best?
The way that he's treating this relationship like...
- Ooh, all hail her royal hinny.
- Where has she been hiding?
- Accounts layable.
- More like human resources.
What?
- Hey, I'm trying, man.
- You guys, that is so rude.
I was talking to you.
- Come on.
When nature creates a perfect female body,
men have to check it out.
It's in our genetic coding.
- Mm, our DNA likes the t and a.
Oh, that is such a load of crap.
- Hey Maya, guys.
- Hi.
- Oh, my gosh.
- You were saying, Maya?
- You know, I can't believe that we live
in a society where women feel they have
to make themselves that thin to be beautiful.
- You were saying, boys?
Would you like to go have some lunch?
- Sure.
Maybe we should bring her a sandwich.
- Yeah, a tongue sandwich.
- More like a pastrami sandwich.
Come on, that was funny.
You know it.
♪ Oh, Nina Van horn, and I don't care
- hey, you got a phone message.
- Oh, who is it from?
- Catherine duchamp.
Take it easy.
Who's Catherine duchamp?
- Catherine?
She was Nina's first modeling agent.
- Oh.
- Are there any donuts here?
- Let me guess.
She discovered you, taught you everything.
Then you hit it big and dumped her cold.
- Who told you that?
- You, at your 10th annual 39th birthday party.
- I think the donuts are behind you.
- All right, well, you know, my conscience is clear.
I mean, sure, Catherine, oh, she housed me, and fed me,
and clothed me and believed in me when no one else would
but the new agent promised me a pink car
with an eight-track.
- Okay, calm down.
Why did she call?
- She said she wants to see me.
- Well, maybe she wants to make up.
Maybe she even misses you.
- Oh, Jack, do you think so?
- I do.
Go, call her, now, before you lose your nerve.
- Okay, I will.
- Do you really believe that?
- Hey, whatever gets me to one of these.
- Mm, mm.
I can't remember the last time I had pie.
- Try the mousse.
- Oh, no, no, I can't.
I'll get fat.
- According to home,
that magazine you work for
and their impossible standards of beauty?
- You know, you're right.
Why should I just...
- There you go.
- I have to say, that's good mousse.
- Oh, my gosh.
- What?
- My ex-girlfriend is sitting at the bar,
and I haven't seen her since we split.
- Oh.
The one in the blue dress?
- That's her.
- Oh.
That's funny.
I didn't really think of her as your type.
- Oh, well, she's not, now that I've met you.
- So, what you're saying is, she's not...
- Thank you.
- Nina.
- Hello, Catherine.
Here, this is for you.
- Thank you.
- It's wine.
- Is that what they told you?
- So?
- Drink?
- Probably more than I should.
Oh, I see.
Thank you, thank you.
- Let me look at you.
My little girl from Kansas.
First a runway model, then a cover girl,
and now a big-time fashion editor.
I'm so proud of you.
- Really?
You're proud of me?
- How could I not be?
- Oh, Catherine.
Oh, that makes me so happy.
And I just want you to know
that I could never have done it without you.
- You're damn right, you ungrateful bitch.
- What?
- You owe me.
I taught you to walk, and talk, and make love to the camera,
and then you stabbed me in the back.
- Well, Catherine, I don't really think that's exactly...
- And after I paid to have your extra toe removed.
- It was a wart.
- It had a nail.
- Oh, it's true.
It's all true.
- Take back her drink.
She's not worthy.
- Oh, it's true.
I'm not, I'm not worthy.
Please forgive me.
- There can be no forgiveness.
- Come on, I'm begging you.
I'll do anything.
- Anything?
- Anything.
Then kill me.
- Done.
What?
- You heard me.
I want you to kill me.
My liver's bad, my heart's bad.
I want to die while I still have some dignity
before I wind up in a nursing home,
wearing plaid, for god's sake.
- Look, look, you don't want to die.
I flat lined once for eight minutes.
It was no picnic.
There's no white light.
It's just dark and hot,
and there's the faint murmur of people talking backwards.
- I'll roll the dice.
- Look, why do you need me?
- Well, I suppose I could take some pills,
but it's so mundane.
I want my death to be spectacular.
Something that would put me back on the front page.
- Catherine, you have so much to live for.
Your friends, your career.
Children, pets.
Oh, why can't he kill you?
- Dr. Fong?
I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
- All right, well, I'm sorry.
I will not do it.
I won't do it.
I mean, you can't just suck me in to your sick, little plan.
I don't owe you that much.
- That's so typical of you.
When I don't want you to stab me in the back, you do
and when I want you to, you won't.
All right, go ahead.
Walk away, you eleven toed piece of carny trash.
- You hateful, old witch.
I'll kill you.
- Wonderful!
Dr. Fong, two for dinner.
- Please Dr. Klein, she needs a psychiatrist.
Just meet us for lunch.
Look, I'll pay for the session.
Just bill me, I'm good for it.
Why are you laughing?
Okay, okay, just be that way
but let me just tell you something, Dr. Klein.
You are a terrible shrink
and a lousy lover.
- Hey Finch, is my dad in?
- Yeah, so I guess things are getting serious
with you and Brad.
- Why?
- Because he just sent you this romantic wheel of cheese.
Yummy.
- Hey dad.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure, sweetie.
Donut?
- No, thanks.
I know that this is going to sound crazy
but I think my boyfriend is trying to make me fat.
- Maya, that does sound a little crazy.
Don't get me wrong.
I know people are in to all kinds of things.
Men who worship feet, women who enjoy a little spanking.
The powerful executive who occasionally likes
to camp it up at club shows as Carol Channing.
- That's a weird one.
- Weird maybe but still no reason to be hassled
in the parking lot.
My point is if he wants a fat woman,
why doesn't he just go out and get one?
The town is full of them.
And it's not like they're fleet of foot.
- Well, maybe you're right.
- What was that?
- The button on my pants.
- Holy god, it's embedded in the wood.
- And while you're small talking the guard,
I'm climbing up through the arm and into the torch
and that's when you cue the music.
- Uh-huh.
- You hate it.
- I like parts of it.
- That's the fourth idea you've shot down.
Are you gonna dump on everything?
Oh, I'm going to get Dr. Fong to kill me.
I mean, he already has buyers lined up
for most of my organs.
- No, no, no, no.
Please don't leave yet.
- I'll see you on the other side.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
I have a great way to kill you.
- I'm listening.
- I'll give you a hint.
It involves
a beehive and a trampoline.
- Intriguing.
- Hey, there you are.
Jack's looking for ya.
Pronto, get in there.
- Oh, okay.
You just hang on for one second.
I need you to stay with these woman for a few minutes.
Oh, come on please, it's important.
- How important?
- Well, I won't tell Jack that it was you
in the parking lot throwing beer bottles
at miss Carol Channing.
- Alright, I'll give you a half hour.
- I'll be right back.
Dennis will stay with you.
- Well, hurry.
Are you going to sit down?
Or shall I ask the waitress for a booster seat?
- It's funny.
Did you make that same joke to Napoleon?
Siamese.
American, shorthair, and persian.
That's it, 36 breeds of cats.
- Not quite, Canadian hairless.
Damn.
- Magnificent creatures.
I had one that took second in the 82 feline invitational.
- Wait, you owned charlemagne?
- No, I learned long ago that no one could own charlemagne.
He belonged to the world.
- Yeah.
- Thank god you're still here
and so is my drink.
- Well, I'm going to take off.
Hey, you wanna take a stroll?
I'm gonna grab a hot pretzel
and I usually can't finish one by myself.
- Why not.
Oh, Nina and I were in the middle of something.
- Oh, no, no, no problem.
You two go, have fun.
Stay out of traffic.
- So, shall we grab a cab
or is there run for me on your tricycle?
You just told
that joke two minutes ago, space.
- I did?
- Gotcha!
- You know, it's none of my business
but I think they mate from the front.
- It's a he and his name is Mr. Elegance.
Catherine won him for me at a street fair.
I didn't have the heart to tell her,
I already have one.
- So, you and Catherine are actually hitting it off?
- Yeah, you know, I thought the age thing
was weird at first but she's already really fun.
And she's so alive.
- Oh, for god's sakes, keep her that way.
- What?
- I mean, just help her hang on to that feeling.
- And I can really talk to her, you know?
She reminds me a lot of my grandma.
- Poor naive, Finch.
- What's that suppose to mean?
- It means you escort her around town.
She gets you little presents.
Soon or later, she's gonna want you to, you know,
reopen the archives.
- What?
- Dust off the antiques.
Pay a visit to the old country.
- Shut up, she's a sweet lady.
It's not like that.
- You're damn right it's not and if it is, who's it hurting?
- I'm saying it's not like that.
- I believe you but if you were doing her...
- I'm not.
- Understood but if you were lying...
- What's going on?
- Finch has a 70 year old girlfriend.
- She's not my girlfriend.
- Good god.
Men chasing fatties, Dennis dating the elderly.
Has my life's work been for nothing?
- Will everyone please cut it out?
- Yeah, hear hear.
I think whatever Dennis did or did not do is wonderful
and I for one just wanna say thank you.
- For what?
- For making an old woman very happy.
- Why, have you been depressed?
- She is now.
- Nina Van horn.
- It's Catherine.
I'm so glad I caught you.
I wanted to thank you for introducing me to Dennis.
He's just want I needed.
- You're welcome.
I'm so glad it's working out.
- And Nina, I never thought I'd hear myself saying this
but all is forgiven.
- Really?
You don't know what this means to me.
It's like the weight of a giant book
has taken off my head.
- With my heart condition, one night of sex
with your little friend should do me in.
- What?
- Think of the headlines?
Fashion legend dies in arms of teenage gigolo.
- I'm sorry, we must have a bad connection.
It sounds like your plan is to have sex
with Finch until you die.
Hello?
- May I have another cookie?
- How about a power bar?
- Yeah.
- Hi sweetie.
- What's in the bag?
Tacos, deviled eggs?
- No, it's a book of poetry.
Walt Whitman, you said you liked him.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you so much.
- I hope you like it 'cause it's one of the books I...
- Okay, we have to talk.
Are you fattening me up?
- What?
- Be honest with me.
Are trying to make me fat?
Okay, yeah.
- This is sick.
- Maya, Maya, I like you.
I like you a lot.
Who you are inside,
just physically i'm not attracted to you.
Yet, yet!
- So, you're treating me like veal?
I mean, you make these speeches
about looking past appearances
but you're just as bad as guys who worship thin women.
- I can't help it.
You are a hundred pounds away
from being a really smokin' babe.
- Get out.
- No, think it through, think it through, huh?
No more dieting, no more going to the gym.
You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want
and I will only love you more.
- No, no, no.
- Okay, 50 pounds and I'll spring for the elastic pants.
- Bishop takes rook and checkmate.
- Damn, how did I miss that?
♪ Break it down, you're a clown
♪ I'm the king of chesstown
- such a gracious winner.
How about a drink?
- Woo, yeah, loser pours.
- Your usual sea breeze or perhaps a Brandy?
- Breeze, please.
You know why you lost?
Here's what going on.
You bring your bishops out too early.
You gotta watch what I do.
Hey, why did you turn the lights down?
- Oh, I wanted to rest my eyes
after staring at the board for so long.
- Oh, okay.
- I became a woman to this song.
- Oh god.
On second thought, I'll take that Brandy.
- Glad to you see expanding your horizons.
Here's to trying something new.
- Yes.
I'm a little nervous here.
Can we take it kinda slow?
Oh momma, you are so fine.
- Before we begin, there's a red dress in my closet.
After we're finished, will you put it on me?
- Yes, sure whatever.
- And if you don't mind,
could you brush my hair
and see to it that my eyes are shut.
- Alright baby, now you're starting
to sound a little freaky.
But me likey the freaky.
- All right boy, send me to heaven.
- Catherine?
Oh no, I'm too late.
Dennis?
- She's an animal.
I tried to keep up but she knows tricks.
I have asthma.
I don't wanna go, I wanna stay.
I wanna stay, no.
- Oh my god, what did you do to him?
- I tried a little move that Peter lawford use to enjoy
but the kid had some sort of seizure.
- Oh, I can't believe you.
Involving me in your sick little scheme is one thing
but dragging Dennis into it?
- No one speaks me in that tone.
- Well I am.
I was right to get rid of you.
You are a selfish horrible person
and you always have been.
You wanna kill yourself?
Well, good riddance because you are going to die alone.
- No, I want more.
- Mmm.
Wow, that is incredible.
Oh my.
Alright, wait a second, wait a second.
Are you trying to get me fat?
- What could I say?
I like big chicks.