- Oh, I found the problem.
This was stuck in a vent.
Looks like it's been in there for years.
- Oh, uh, my laundry.
I must've misplaced it on the way to the laundromat.
You know, where laundry is cleaned.
- How much laundry did you stuff in here?
- About 12 kilos.
- Finch, can I borrow the yellow pages?
- Uh, I haven't seen 'em.
- Finch.
I'm working on this edgy piece about women in gambling
and I need some hot leads.
- Ooh, in the phone book?
Way to go, matlock.
- I'm looking up gamblers anonymous.
Did you know that women are the largest growth demographic
of gamblers in the U.S.?
- Wow, did you know that you write for a fashion magazine?
- Elliot, do you know anyone involved in illegal gambling?
- What?
Oh, I get it, Elliot dimauro.
Italian.
I must be connected.
I must have cousins in waste management.
- It's not that, it's just I remember you
betting on the super bowl last year.
What?
Hey, my grandma's Irish so I must've been drunk
when I did it.
- Not all Irish are drunks.
- But some norwiegians have bookies.
- You do?
- I like to lay a little cabbage on the line.
- Well, maybe you could get me in touch with him?
- Hmmm, I don't know, I'd have to vouch for you.
You gonna throw up?
- No, this is my adorable face.
- Oh, all right, stop doing it and I'll call him.
Oh, thanks.
Jack, we need to talk.
- Shh, shh, shh.
I'm trying to relax.
And we're about to hear the foghorn.
It's all crap from here.
- All right, I'll be brief.
I want access to the company limo
and here are 26 reasons why.
- What's with the cards?
- Well, you tend to make me nervous
and when I get nervous, I get flustered,
and when I get flustered, I lose my train of thought.
Now what do you want?
I'm busy.
- Jack, your sounds of the jungle tape came in.
- Any good?
- You like monkeys?
- Leave it on my desk.
- Okay, here I am.
Why I need a limo, number one.
As an editor of this magazine,
I need to be seen in a position of power.
- As opposed to her usual position,
passed out under a table.
It's that easy.
- Enjoy it while it lasts, Finch.
Puberty changes everything.
Number two.
- Nina, there's no need for this.
I see your point.
Dennis, put it through the process.
- Really?
I'm in the process.
I've never felt so alive.
- Sorry about that, Jack.
I tried to stop her.
- That's all right, Dennis.
It's monkey time.
- Elliot, could you give me a hand?
I could use a little muscle.
- Oh, I see.
Because my name ends in a vowel, I'm the office tough guy?
- Never mind, I got it.
Ah, ventilation.
Vent, elation.
Hey, now I get it.
- Hey, what about this swimwear shoot?
- Shh.
I hear voices.
- Ooh, let me hear.
I never amount to anything.
Is that what made you come to therapy?
- Oh my god, it's a shrink's office.
- Hey, Nina, Jack wants you to look at this.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Muzzle it, boy.
We're eavesdropping on a therapy session.
We'll pick up right here next week.
- Angle the vent to 45 degrees.
It'll maximize the sound integrity.
So, Jack, how's your week been?
Pretty stressful.
- Oh my god, it's Jack.
- How long has he been going to therapy?
- Oh, well, it's a secret.
- He didn't tell you, did he?
- I don't tell him stuff.
Shhh, shhh.
Everyone wants a piece of me.
Like this morning, my mother calls to kvetch.
- Kvetch?
- Yeah, his mom's half Jewish.
I'm surprised he told me that much.
Then Nina tells me she wants the company limo
so I gotta take care of that.
- Love you, Jack.
Then what did you do?
I told Dennis to put it through the process.
Oh, so you gave her what she wanted?
Oh, no, that's our little code for the runaround.
He pretends to write something down
and I avoid Nina until the whole thing goes away.
- Uhh, I think you two need to talk.
- Well, it seems you want to be alone.
So let's get back to that thing you told me
about your mother.
You mean how I used to walk around in her heels?
It's like I had wings on.
About how you always seem to disappoint her.
It's non-stop.
She worships my brother Eddie, but me?
I'm a bum.
Yeah, well, you are a bum.
And yet she has this way of getting me to do
anything she wants, anything.
She's the only one who has this control over me.
And how exactly does she control you?
How many times do I have to go over this?
- Just enough so that I can hurt you.
- Oy vey, what a morning I've had.
Here, Jack, I made rugelach.
- Oh, I love rugelach.
How'd you know?
- Uh, uh, uh!
Not 'til after lunch, and don't slouch.
It makes your clothes get all shlump-a-dick.
What are you working on?
- Um, this month's letter from the publisher.
- Oh, Mr. Big shot with the writing.
Let me have a look.
- Uh, sure.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, don't fidget, mm-hmm.
Hmmm.
- Well, you like it?
- It's fine, it's good, it's done.
- What, you think something's wrong with it?
- Oh, don't get all vish-mished.
What do I know about writing?
I didn't get the big fancy education
so my opinion is just bupkis.
- Nina, that's not what I meant at all.
- But it's what's been said.
Well, I'm late for lunch.
God forbid I should get run over
while I'm flagging down a cab.
- Nina, wait.
Take the limo.
Keep it as long as you want.
- Will it make you happy?
- Yes.
- Well, that's all I care about.
- Maya.
Check it out.
I hit the exacta at belmont, $17, tax free, all mine.
- Look up my bets.
Race 23, rags to riches.
- Ooh, you bet on Jamaican dog racing?
- Of course.
I love dogs, I went to Jamaica on spring break,
and I'm always racing from one thing to another.
- Sometimes I wish you were a guy so I could punch you.
All right, here it is, rags to riches.
Oh, came in second.
- Yeah, rags to riches!
What does that pay me?
- Well, did you pick him to win?
- Yeah. - Nothing.
- Rats!
I can't believe I just lost $50.
50, gone.
Just like that.
Now I know how addicts feel.
I disgust myself.
- Why'd you bet so much?
- Well, I don't know.
First I said five, and then the guy on the phone said,
"five dimes?"
And I figured what the heck.
If I bet 50 bucks, I could win 400.
So I said, "five dimes it is."
Ohhh, 50 bucks.
I truly have hit rock bottom.
- Ah, heh heh.
Sit down, it gets a little rockier.
Maya, dimes are thousands.
Five dimes is 5,000.
You lost $5,000.
- What?
No, that doesn't make any sense.
Dimes are 10, like $10.
Five dimes, $50.
That makes sense.
- Sorry, dude.
5,000 bucks.
- But that can't be.
- Huh huh.
Well, this just in, it is.
- No, no, no, no.
This isn't happening.
This isn't real.
- It's gonna seem very real
when the bookie comes to collect.
- The bookie's coming here?
- In the $5,000 range, they tend to swing by.
- Oh, rags to riches, you slow hairy bitch!
Oh!
- What are you doing?
- Trying to get out of here before the bookie comes.
I just don't know how I got mixed up with these people.
- These people, hmmm?
- Elliot, I don't have time for this.
- An Italian made time to discover this country.
- Fine.
I'm sorry I offended you.
You're not connected to the mob or the wise guys or anybody.
Thank you and goodbye.
- What, you don't think I can make a call?
I know people.
- But you just...
- You assumed I knew people and that I resented.
- Okay, fine, do you know anybody?
- I must.
I mean, I am Italian.
- Hi, I'm looking for Maya gallo.
- I'm Maya.
- Oh, good, I'm bunny.
You placed a bet with me earlier and I'm here to collect.
- You're the bookie?
- Mm-hmm.
- But I talked to a guy on the phone.
- Oh, yeah, that was my son Jeff.
He works for me part-time to earn some money for college.
- He sounded a lot older.
- Well, he's 26.
Yikes.
Oh, here, I brought you this.
- Oh, you shouldn't have.
Please.
- Oh, I like to do something special for my high rollers.
- Oh, no, no, i'm not a high roller.
I'm just a journalist.
- Jeff's thinking of majoring in that.
- Oh, he should, it's very rewarding.
Actually, I'm doing a piece on women and gambling
and, um, I've never gambled before
so I'm not that familiar with the lingo,
and here's the kicker.
I only meant to bet $50, not $5,000.
- Oh, no.
I know, huh?
See I thought that dimes meant $10, not a thousand.
- Oh, you poor thing.
Oh my gosh, you must've been absolutely horrified.
- I so was.
So, um, anyway what I'd like to do
is give you this check for $50 and we'll call it even.
- Here's the thing, though.
We're not even.
You owe me $5,000.
- Maybe my story was a little confusing.
But the most important thing
is that I only meant to bet $50.
Oh, god, you must have been mortified.
- I was, I was.
- Should I wait here while you go to the bank?
- Okay, you're still not getting it.
- Look, see, here's the thing.
I run my business on the honor system.
Now I can't force you to do anything,
but you do owe me money.
So I'll let you think about it.
I know you'll do the right thing.
I'll be back.
I've gotta buy Jeff some socks and underwear.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hey, I will not do the right thing.
You can't make me feel guilty.
Thank you for the plant.
You don't know what I'm going through,
Dr. Kramer.
You're smug and judgmental and I hate you.
Who are you really angry at, Gary?
Could it be your boss?
- Well played, Dr. Kramer.
- Nina.
- Jack.
- I bought you that Espresso machine you wanted.
- Oh, Jack, you shouldn't have.
- Why are you shouting?
- Oh, I just love my gift, Jack.
I wanna thank you for my coffee machine.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I think I hear voices.
- Pfft, who doesn't?
- They're coming from the vent.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, Dr. Kramer.
That's okay, Gary.
I'm from Chicago.
I can take it.
- Ha!
See, just pigeons.
- That's Dr. Kramer.
- Jack, I, I can explain.
- You listened to my private therapy sessions.
- Oy.
Schleppa-doozle.
- Nina, what you've done is unforgivable.
- Jack, I wouldn't have had to do it
if you hadn't lied to me about that limo.
All right, okay, okay,
but ask yourself who are you really angry at?
Could it be your boss?
- You, Nina.
I'm angry at you.
You're the one who pretended to be my mother.
- Well, it's not fair.
I did it for one day.
Your mother did it for 60 years.
Go yell at her.
- Please, yell at her.
I can't yell at her.
Why can't I yell at her?
- Because you're weak?
- Maybe this all comes down to me confronting my mother.
Why didn't that quack upstairs tell me that months ago?
Quack?
Well, at least I didn't wet the bed 'til I was 12.
- Listen, you owe bunny five grand.
And so there's no misunderstanding, grand means thousand.
- No way.
You know, bunny talks about honor,
but who's to say what honor is?
Is honor driving the speed limit on a deserted highway?
I say yes.
Is honor making only one trip to the salad bar
when it's not an all-you-can-eat?
Oh, sure, I pile it high, but I never go back.
- Let's cut to the chase.
I talk, you listen.
Okay.
God, here's the deal.
Until you pay, bunny's freezing my account.
- She can't do that.
- She already has.
We bet by a code, Maya, and I vouched for you,
and I don't do that for anybody.
And I never thought I'd say this,
but I'm disappointed in you.
Anyway, I've got some work to do
so I'll see you around.
I'm gonna need an ice pack and some privacy.
- I'm looking for Elliot dimauro.
- I'm Elliot.
- Hey, I'm Paulie.
Your cousin called me about your problem.
- My cousin, no, no.
I just wanted to know if I was connected.
Oh my god, I am connected.
I've got juice, how cool is this?
Where's Maya?
- Hey, yo, shiny.
What, you call me down here for nothing?
- No, I was just trying to prove to a friend
that I knew somebody.
- So I guess the joke's on me.
- Yeah, I guess so.
No, not at all, sir.
- Whatever.
Look, just give me cab fare.
We'll call it even.
- Ah, you got it, pal.
How much, how much?
- $1200.
- Come on.
- I'll wait here while you run to the bank.
- Okay.
- Oh, sorry I'm late.
Gosh, traffic, arrrr.
So have you thought any more about our situation?
- You know what?
Yes.
But I'm gonna tell you something, bunny.
You may talk about honor,
but you're nothing more than a common street thug
and I'm gonna give you this money,
but you should know that now I can't go to club med oaxaca.
And this was the year
I was gonna work up the nerve to jet ski.
- You're pretty upset about this, huh?
- I think the frowny faces in the zeroes
speak for themselves.
- You know, maybe I'm a bad bookie,
or just a big softie,
but I can't stand seeing my clients this unhappy.
Now I'm thinking maybe just give the $50
you thought you were betting, we'll call it even.
- Really? You're serious?
Oh, thank you so much.
You're doing the right thing.
- You know what?
This feels right to me, too.
- I knew you had heart.
I'm gonna put that in my article.
Oh, so I guess that's $50 I owe you.
- Actually, I've got more good news.
- What?
- That race you bet on?
Well, the winning dog died this morning.
- Awww.
- Oh, I know, ohhh.
And a preliminary blood test
showed illegal steroids in its system,
which means rags to riches won,
so at, let's see, eight to one odds,
that means I owe you $400.
- 400? That's eight rides on the jet ski.
- Enjoy club med.
- Oh, I will and thank you again for the plant.
Finch, guess what?
It seems that rags to riches was a winner after all.
I just won $400.
Not bad on a $5,000 bet, huh?
Wait a minute.
- Oh, I hear the gears cranking.
- That's $40,000.
You owe me 40 dimes, you bitch.
- And I don't mean to hurt your feelings,
but I just needed you to hear that.
- I see.
I didn't realize what a bad mother I was.
- No, that's not what I meant at all.
- No, I'm a difficult person.
That's a nice pen.
- It's yours.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, wait.
This is exactly what you were talking about.
I just manipulated you.
- No, no, it was only a present from Arnold Palmer.
You should have it.
- How long have I been this way?
- I don't know.
All my life or so.
Oy vey.
Son, I want you to listen to me
like you've never listened before.
Of all my kids, you were the special one.
If I pushed you harder, it was because I knew
how much you had to offer the world,
and look at you now.
I'm proud to be your mother.
- Really?
- Of course.
- Oh, ma, I'm so happy.
I love you, too.
- Hi, hi.
Sorry to interrupt, but there's a problem with the limo.
It's out of Brandy.
Hello, Mrs. Gallo.
- That's a nice purse.
- Oh, it's yours.
Wow, she's good.
- Oh, all right, ma.
I better go
and thank you for letting me get this off my chest.
- I'm just sorry you ever had to feel that bad.
- It's worth it to feel this good.
- Thank you, Mrs. Gallo.
Whatever you said meant the world to Jack.
- Jack?
I thought that was Eddie.
Jack's a bum.
Get back here, bum, and I want that pen.
- Meet my friend Paulie.
He's in the mob.
Psst, psst, meet my friend Paulie.
He's in the mob.
- When am I gonna meet Cindy Crawford?
- Psst, huh?
Meet my friend Paulie.
He's in the mob.