Previously on just shoot me - marry me.
- What?
- Every third Tuesday his holiness
the revered Singh chop chop Cho
holds a mass wedding at the church of the rising star.
- Finch, don't do it.
- Maya, be quiet.
- Ah.
- See now isn't this better than a silly mass wedding.
- What is that?
- I think we just got married.
- I now pronounce you husband and wife.
- It's like a dream come true.
Adrienne, nom nom nom nom, Adrienne.
Adri..., Adrienne?
Oh no.
It was all a dream?
No!
- You don't want corn flakes?
- No corn flakes is good.
- Look at this, another credit card offer
for Mrs. Maya demoro.
That Colt must've sold our names to a junk mail company.
- So what?
- So what if someone sees this and thinks we're married?
- Isn't the bigger question why you
get the Kenny loggins newsletter?
- Someone gave it to me as a joke,
ooh, he's gonna be in west orange.
Nina would you please go back to your cult
and tell someone that Elliot and I are not married?
- First of all, it's a church, not a cult, so open your mind
and second, as a deserter, I'd be tied up and caned.
- Look, look, obviously we didn't mean to get married
so it's not legally binding, doesn't count.
- Except in the eyes of eight million crazy fanatics.
- Crazy fanatics, crazy fanatics?
Okay, that's fair.
- Wow guess who's back in an all-new adventure, woo hoo.
- So how was it, how was it?
- Amazing, Tahiti was great.
This guy treated me like a queen, what an animal in bed.
- Louder.
- And we, we brought presents.
Here, it's a puka necklace, a symbol of love.
- Oh, how sweet.
- It's a puke necklace, a symbol of love.
- Thank you.
- Here, you like books.
- How to get over a lost love?
Adrienne I swear to you I'm not in love with Finch.
- See she won't even help herself?
Here, it's a...
- Yeah, yeah, symbol of love.
- So excited, tell me everything.
- Wooh, I don't know where to begin.
- Well I'll be around.
- Hey buddy, you were in the tabloids.
- Yeah, really?
- Is supermodel Adrienne barker more wild than we thought?
The leggy beauty was spotted frolicking
in the Tahiti surf with a topless blonde gal pal.
- I knew that speedo was a mistake.
- Hey, look who's back. - Hey, hey.
- Hello doll. - Hello, how are you?
- Hey.
- So did you bring me back a starfish?
- Yeah, and a can of sunshine.
You're not kidding?
- Remember I waved goodbye and I said
"bring me back a starfish!"
- Yeah, I thought you were joking.
- Oh well, not to worry, welcome back.
I could not have been more clear.
- Dennis, are these your dolls?
- What?
First of all, they're not dolls, they're action figures.
Second of all, who left these here, come on children.
Hey take these to the incinerator, or better yet
my cubby in the coatroom, I'll deal with them later.
- Ooh that's my agent I'll be right back.
- Not mine.
- So when are you gonna come clean to her
about your action figure collection?
- The day you officially turn 40.
- Seven years is a long time my friend.
- Adrienne has to keep thinking I'm cool.
That means no more Sci-Fi conventions,
no more Internet chess tournaments,
and I can all but forget about
playing the lute at the renaissance faire.
- Now dear, you know that I'm the last one
to give out advice, or take it,
or pay for a round of drinks.
But you can't just wake up one morning
and decide to be a different person.
- Oh says the New York socialite who grew up on a hog farm.
- You think I'm a socialite?
- You know instead of throwing these out
why don't we give 'em to needy children.
- Honey, give a kid a toy, he'll play for a day.
Teach a kid to fish, and that kid,
just give me those.
Hey would you... What are you writing?
- A letter to the church of the rising star
warning them to stop telling people I'm your wife.
- Come on you're not serious?
- Imprisoned in an emotional gulag?
- Hey, it's a first draft, now just go.
- No way, no way, I'm not giving up on us.
We're gonna make this thing work, dammit.
- Elliot, you're not funny.
- Oh no, don't tell me the laughter's gone too.
- Look this is really bothering me.
We went through a wedding ceremony.
That reverend proclaimed us married.
- Maya he was wearing genie pants and curly-toed shoes.
- No you may think that this is a joke
but I haven't been able to go out on a date in two weeks.
- Have you been asked?
- Obviously I'm giving out some sort of vibe.
- Finch, who has the key to petty cash?
- Everyone here but you.
I can't believe how much mail piled up while I was gone.
- Mmm, anything important?
- Planet of the apes convention, old Finch.
Ooh appearance at Macy's by spiderman.
Old Finch.
- New York invitational cat show, old Finch.
- Woah woah, woah, woah, it's marked urgent.
Oh my god Spartacus made the finals.
- Who's Spartacus?
- My cat, he's been accepted to the
top show in the tri-state area.
- Oh it's just a dumb animal, tell him he didn't make it.
- Woah, woah.
Need to fill out the registration.
- Finch, you can't go to this thing.
- Why not?
- Well no offense, but don't you think
cat shows are just a tad on the geeky side?
- Geeky?
Yeah, let me drop a little history on you.
Egyptian pharaohs worshiped cats, they were cool.
MacGyver had cats, he was cool.
And need I remind you of the
longest running show on Broadway?
- Chippendales?
- Yeah, right.
Listen, for years I've dreamed
about making the finals, okay?
And I'm gonna get that trophy this year
with Adrienne right by my side.
- Sweetie I got our honeymoon pictures back.
Ooh, here's some weird ones of me sleeping.
- Adrienne, honey, how would you like
to accompany me to a cat show tomorrow?
- Yeah sure that sounds great.
- Really?
- Well you heard the lady.
- It'll be fun to see you goofing
on all those pathetic cat freaks.
What lonely planet do those losers come from?
- Apparently Egypt.
- Hey, you leavin' early?
- Yeah I'm running to the store.
I'm cooking dinner for someone.
- Like a date?
- Right, like a date.
- Oh, that's nice, I mean, have fun.
I mean, don't do anything I wouldn't do, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
- Okay.
- You're just going like nothing happened?
- Nothing did happen.
For the last time, we're not married.
You think I'd go on a date if I thought I was cheating, no!
Do I look racked with guilt, no!
- Has this ever happened before?
- No.
- Okay here's your monthly report
and I updated your palm pilot and
picked up your dry cleaning.
- I didn't have any dry cleaning.
- Oh no wonder that korean lady fought like a tiger.
- Just go, I hope your cat does the thing
and and and wins the what's its
- ah thanks Jack I know that comes from the heart, buddy.
- So what's your alibi in case Adrienne stops in?
- Alibi?
For your information I talked to Adrienne
about the cat show and she's totally into it.
Finch here, oh hey baby.
Yeah, no i'm takin' off right now.
Oh no no, you shouldn't come down.
Ah, because, because when I play rugby I get violent honey.
All right, okay, love you too.
- Rugby?
- Yeah I think it's like football.
- Hard night?
- Not really.
- Oh morning Elliot, what you looking for?
- Well uh back issue.
- Which one?
- I had um, health article I wanted.
- Oh, what health article?
- Nevermind, I found it.
- Oh July, wasn't that the piece on treating impotence?
Maya didn't you write this piece on impotence?
What's that, line two?
- I'm not a machine.
- Well well well.
- It's your fault.
All your stupid obsessing about being married
planted something in my head.
- Oh sure, blame it on the wife.
- Get your coat, we have to get a divorce, come on.
- Oh well, that's a fine attitude coming from the man
that I expect to father my children.
Although it seems we might have to adopt.
- Look, I was wrong, you were right, please help me.
- Once more, with feeling, and your underpants on your head.
- I'm not wearing any.
- Oh gross, you win.
- Knock knock.
- Nina, I need your help.
- I heard, there's no reason to be embarrassed.
Here, apply this to Elliot Jr. three times day.
- No no, that's not what I'm talking about.
We need to go back to the cult and get a divorce.
- I see.
My advice, be very careful.
- What do you mean?
- The church of the rising star
is a dark and powerful religion
with beliefs that stretch back to the mid '80s.
Watch your back, refuse all refreshments.
And don't say "hi priest" to the high priest.
It's not as funny as you think.
- Adrienne, what are you doing here?
- Looking for the cat show tickets.
- But Dennis is playing rugball.
- I know but I told my hairdresser about the cat show
and now he wants to go, so.
- He does?
- Well it'll still be funny, he has
the same wicked sense of humor as Dennis.
Actually everyone at the salon does.
- Oh.
- Oh well, we'll get tickets there, see ya.
- No no no, you can't go.
- Why not?
- Because I'm terribly depressed
and I shouldn't be alone right now.
- I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Listen, you know, I studied psychology maybe I can help.
- Or maybe we can just hit some bars.
- Oh let's see, maybe you're sad because
your best days are behind you.
Or maybe...
You think my best days are behind me?
- Oh no no no no no no, no it's just that
your life is more than half over
and I don't know some women would start to panic.
- Maybe you should be getting to that cat show, huh?
- Nina running away from your problems
is how you got into this mess.
- Mess? Let me just tell you something missy,
I am not a mess, I am a legend.
I am Nina Van horne, my face has been
on every magazine from here to Hong Kong.
In 1974 I was model of the year
while you were still running around in pigtails.
- Actually I wasn't born yet.
- Oh god, don't leave me.
- Looks totally normal.
- Of course it does, that's how they suck you in.
You say to yourself "look, a totally normal office."
Next thing you know you're assembling
automatic weapons in your sleep.
- What do we do if they ask us
for all our worldly possessions?
- We say no?
- Right, no.
- Hi, sorry to keep you waiting, I'm Larry fenwick,
I'm an attorney for the church of the rising star.
Can I get you something to drink?
- Oh yeah, I'm so thirsty, I mean no.
- Well please, take a seat.
So I understand you two participated
in one of our mass weddings and now you want a divorce.
- See the thing is, and with
all due respect to your religion.
- Oh it's not my religion, I'm just a hired gun.
You, you can speak freely.
Keep in mind though, that the office may be bugged.
- What?
- I'm kidding, I'm using humor to put you at your ease.
- So um, can we do it, you know, get a divorce?
- Well that depends, have you brought the gods a sacrifice?
Once again, i'm lightening the mood.
But to answer your question, yes,
getting a divorce is actually a very simple matter.
- Oh, so great, can we take care of it now?
- Absolutely.
Now I don't want you folks to be uncomfortable but
the church is big on ceremony so I'm gonna have to ask you
to put on the turbans of eternal light.
- You almost got us again.
- I'm so sorry.
- That's us, don't be nervous, just have fun out there.
That goes for you too Spartacus.
- Hey, just a little longer, and again my apologies.
Time, time's up.
You two are very limber and may I say as a personal note,
you sing beautifully.
- Um, are we almost done?
- Yes, all you have to do is sign this form
and we are finito.
You might wanna keep these pens, they're tracking devices.
Ha ha ha, it's a joke, but they do make those.
- Um what sort of form.
- Nothing complicated, just says you want a divorce
and that the two of you didn't have
physical relations as a result of the marriage.
Well, congratulations, you are divorced.
- Hoo, what a relief.
- Yeah, free at last.
- Yes, we'll send the bill to that address
you wrote on the sacred scroll.
Hi folks, come on in.
Ooh, I almost forgot, it also says that
you will not have physical relations
with each other in the future.
- Huh, huh, that guy and his nutty jokes.
It was a joke right?
- Of course, should we ask?
- Well, not that it matters to me anyway.
- What, what do you think it matters to me?
Besides, it was clearly a joke.
- Hey, I'm the one who said it was nutty.
- You know I don't mean to be rude,
but I am trying to perform an exorcism.
- It was a joke.
- Dennis.
So, how was rugby.
- Oh, wooh, very rough, very manly today.
Scored three tabernacles and a walkabout.
Yeah, now honey, those are good, they're like touchdowns.
- Dennis you lied to me, I know you went to the cat show.
First I get stuck with your friend Nina,
who broke down, smeared lipstick all over her face
and started screaming "I'm still pretty."
- Hey if you wanna swap Nina stories.
- No I don't, then finally, when I finally get home
I turn on the news and what do I see?
A little upbeat story on you winning the cat show.
- You didn't by any chance tape it?
- How could you lie to me Dennis?
- Didn't they teach you the honor system
during your four years at Oxford?
- You know what, I was just about to make up
some big crazy story but it's simpler
just to tell you the truth.
The truth about a promise made to a dying captain
in the persian Gulf.
- What, who?
- My co, captain pickardemonger.
My last week there we were stationed
outside of kc, Kuwait City.
Cleanin' our guns, just blabbin',
lookin' forward to goin' home.
Suddenly out of nowhere ak 47s, rat a tat, tat a tat tat.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Give me a minute, this is hard for me.
Okay, um, as my captain was screaming
and collapsing into my arms, dammit if I was there two sec...
His dying wish was that I continue
to show his cat in cat shows.
And that I never tell anybody about it.
- Dennis, this all sounds a little crazy.
- You know what's crazy Adrienne, war?
- I don't know, it just seems way too convenient.
- So you still think I'm lying?
Well let me tell you something Adrienne Louise barker.
If you think I'm so low, so disgusting, look at me,
that I would lie to my own wife
then I guess this marriage is over,
and I'll walk out of here forever.
- Dennis wait.
Dennis I'm sorry.
If you say you made a promise to a friend,
then, then that's good enough for me.
- He may also have asked me to keep an eye
on his vintage porno collection.