Dan: Look in my eyes. Casey: No.
-- Seriously, look in my eyes. -- Seriously, no.
-- If you were to look in my eyes, you know what you'd see? -- Dan...
you'd see the look of sheer desperation.
I am not switching with you.
Is it because you don't want to do the show with Tina?
I have plans.
Winding down is not plans.
I'm not just winding down.
I was thinking about seeing a movie.
-- A movie? -- Yeah.
I'm gonna miss a once-in-a-lif etime opportunity
tomorrow night so you can see a movie?
Well, you want to see a singer?
-- Do you know how often Tom Waits plays clubs? -- No.
Tom Waits never plays clubs.
You know what he's doing tomorrow night?
He's playing a club?
He's playing a club.
Should I go see him?
-- Casey... -- 'Cause I have the night off.
You can have my firstborn son,
just take tomorrow night's show.
So I'd have to work tomorrow and raise your child.
-- [ Sighs ] -- Hey, Elliot, uh, you got the word on Webber?
X-rays came back negative. They think it's just a sprain.
I need new clothes.
-- Do you want me to buy you clothes? -- No, I'm gonna buy my own clothes.
-- I just want Natalie to go with me. -- I off er you the world, and you want clothes?
Look, this girl named Lillian I just met said I dr ess like her f ather.
-- You do dr ess like her f ather. -- You know Lillian's f ather?
I don't have to know Lillian's f ather.
You'r e asking me f or a f avor and mocking me at the same time?
I'm sorry.
Look, Natalie has r eally good taste in clothes.
Last time she went with me, I f ound a cool scarf.
-- So why don't you ask her to go? -- I did. She --
It's complicated. She said no.
So all I have to do is get Natalie to go shopping with you?
Yes.
I could kiss you right now.
Please don't.
Chris, let me see a pr eview of Seattle on 2.
Loading Seattle on 2.
Stand by, sound.
Sound standing by on 3.
Elliot, is ther e a final in Cleveland?
About a minute left. Cleveland's up by 4.
And F.Y.I. -- Miller f ouled out.
When did saying actual words become such a burden?
1975.
F.Y.I., B.Y.O.B., A.S.A.P.
-- Jer emy... -- Yes?
I'm trying to produce a TV show. I could use your help.
TV -- that's another one.
-- Natalie... -- Not a chance in hell.
-- I haven't said anything yet. -- You wer e gonna ask me to go clothes shopping with Casey.
-- How did you know that? -- I'm intuitive.
And you wer e miked.
-- That too. -- At some point,
wer e you planning on asking me if it's okay if you switch off nights with Casey?
I'm still the ex ecutive producer of the show.
I'm sorry. Is it okay if I switch off nights with Casey?
What the hell do I car e?
Natalie.
Dan, I'm saying he's a woman.
I spent eight hours on a Saturday watching Casey
try on practically everything Barney's had to off er -- twice.
He left with a scarf.
-- You've seen how he dr esses. -- Yes.
So this isn't just a f avor to me, then.
-- You owe this to the world. -- No.
Natalie, I love Tom Waits, probably mor e than --
I don't know.
I just love Tom Waits.
Ther e's a party tomorrow night at Lot 61 .
If you get me on the list, I'll go shopping with Casey.
[ Smooches ] You don't know how much I appr eciate this.
It's an impossible list to get on.
I'll make it happen.
You should know, in case you'r e planning
on using your celebrity to get me in,
I alr eady called around pr etending to be you.
You pr etended to be me?
Mmm, actually, I pr etended to be your secr etary
-- calling on your behalf. -- My secr etary?
Miss Jean Hodges. She's very officious.
-- And they just turned me down flat? -- Yeah.
-- Weird. -- Spooky.
Kim...
walk with me.
Look, you still f riends with that bouncer guy at Lot 61?
Kurt and I wer e never exactly f riends.
All right, listen, I r eally need to get Natalie in ther e tomorrow night.
Is ther e any way you could consider calling him?
If I call Kurt, he's going to think I want to sleep with him again.
-- [ Groans ] -- Oh, no. Don't get me wrong.
I want to sleep with him again.
I just don't want to do it in my crappy apartment.
[ Chuckles ]
Four Seasons okay?
-- A suite? -- Sure.
-- I'll call him during the C-br eak. Dave: Roll VTR.
60 seconds live.
Casey: You all set?
-- Yes, sir. -- Ex cellent.
Tomorrow at this time, I'll be bathing
in the raspy drawl of Mr. Tom Waits.
And not long after that, I'll be trying on pants.
Dave: 30 seconds live.
Dan, I just got a message f rom Tina Lake.
She had to cancel f or tomorrow night.
So who ar e we getting to r eplace her?
You.
But I'm going to see Tom Waits tomorrow.
Maybe someday.
Just not tomorrow.
Dave: In 3...2...
Good evening. From New York City,
I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories,
plus Edgerin James r e-ups f or some mor e do-r e-mi,
Tiger tries to solve a problem like Jose-Maria,
and spring training is alive with the sound of chin music.
We've got flying pucks, driving def enses,
and smooth sailing f or the Blackhawks in Montr eal.
You'r e watching "Sports Night" on CSC, so stick around.
[ Telephones ringing ]
There must be someone.
The sub pool is dry.
Bobbi Bernstein.
Oh, Bobbi Bernstein -- you'r e right.
How could I have missed Bobbi Bernstein?
You've tried Bobbi Bernstein?
Of course I've tried Bobbi Bernstein.
You know why, Dan?
'Cause you'r e not a moron?
-- 'Cause I'm not. -- Jennif er A--
Jennif er Atwater's having a baby.
-- She is? -- Yes.
-- What trimester is she in? -- Danny!
I'm saying ther e have been medical advances
that allow you people to work
well into the f ourth or fifth trimester.
-- Amazing what medicine can do. Danny... -- Isn't it?
-- We got Steve Sarris. -- For tonight?
-- Yes. -- She got Steve Sarris.
I heard. Well done.
She got Steve Sarris. Thank you.
-- I didn't do it f or you. -- I'm gonna get you into the club.
-- Plus one. -- Who are you taking?
Who do you think I'm taking? I'm taking my boyf riend.
-- Jer emy? -- Yeah.
-- Jer emy's gonna want to go to Lot 61? -- What do I car e?
-- He's my boyf riend, he loves me, and he's going. -- Okay.
Get us in.
It's done. Whoo!
What do you need?
I'm gonna push the Dodgers' training camp into the 30s,
which will let us move Dale Earnhardt up f ront.
I've got a gun under my desk.
-- Or we can keep everything wher e it is. -- I mean it.
I've got a big honkin' gun under my desk.
-- Why do you have a gun? -- Actually, it's a musket.
-- A rifle? -- A musket.
What's the diff er ence?
How the hell do I know, Natalie? What am l, Calamity Jane?
I inherited a Revolutionary War musket f rom my uncle.
Your uncle Was in the Revolutionary War?
Yes.
He died just r ecently at the age of 2 4 1, Natalie!
You're a little sarcastic and short-tempered
f or someone who hasn't been having a lot of sex lately.
Ooh, wait, I think I just put my finger on the trigger.
Natalie --
Who's Steve Sarris?
Good morning, Sam.
Good morning.
No, I mean, it would be nice if you began a conversation
with "Good morning."
-- Didn't we just do that? -- Yes.
-- Is ther e anything else? -- No.
-- Who's Steve Sarris? -- He's not gonna light the world on fire, but he's good.
-- He's solid. -- He's very professional.
Good, solid, prof essional.
-- Yes. -- Is he gonna be awake during the broadcast?
He's an understudy, Sam.
His job is to keep the curtain up. He'll be fine.
"Fine" -- ther e's another word that always sets my toes a-tappin' .
-- Leave now. -- Okay.
Natalie...
what am I gonna do with this gun?
I thought it was a musket.
It's a gun, and I don't want it.
You see this?
Yes.
What's it say?
"Empir e Racquet Club."
That's the wrong card.
I am a dues-paying member of the Anti-handgun Coalition.
You think they'r e gonna make you stop going to the meetings?
I'm morally opposed to this.
Well, I think as long as you don't shoot someone with it, you'r e fine.
I've got to take this thing and find some place to smelt it.
[ Laughs ] You'r e gonna smelt it?
-- Why ar e you laughing? -- It's a f unny word.
-- Don't you have work to do? -- Yes.
-- And? -- Off I go.
Oh.
No, hmm.
Guess who's going to Lot 61 tonight.
McGeorge Bundy.
McGeorge Bundy is dead.
Well, f rom the way you asked me, I figur ed it was someone unlikely.
Dan got us on the list.
Oh, I was also praying
it would be any two people other than us.
-- I knew you'd be this way. -- I'm not being...any way.
-- What's wrong -- -- Going to the hot spot, the cool place?
-- Yes. -- Nothing.
But let me run this by you.
After the show, instead of going to Ar ea 5 1 --
Lot 61 . It's a club downtown.
Fine, fine. How about instead of going downtown,
we go home, order some Chinese f ood...
-- And watch Conan? -- We can watch Kilborn.
-- I'm very flexible. -- Jer emy!
Kilborn's got a gr eat lineup.
The list was very hard to get on, Jer emy.
Dan had to pull a lot of strings.
Don't you even want to know who his guests ar e?
Who ar e his guests?
I'd have to check the listings.
Jer emy, it's gonna be gr eat!
Oh, it's not gonna be gr eat, Natalie.
We'r e gonna be in a room surrounded by people
f or whom "cool" means "discontent" --
all of them trying to be cool,
which isn't easy while craning your neck around
-- to see if you can spot Skeet Ulrich. -- Jer emy...
and believe me, ther e will be half a dozen people ther e named Skeet.
Hey, if you don't want to go, you don't have to go.
I'll go.
-- You don't have to go. -- I'm happy to go.
-- But you'r e not happy to go. -- I'm not happy to go, but I'll go anyway.
-- Why? -- 'Cause I'm tir ed of having this fight with you.
I have to take this to graphics. Anything else?
No.
-- I'm outta her e! -- Don't go.
-- Casey. -- Stay a little longer.
It's my day off.
It's your day off 'cause I gave it to you.
No, it's my day off because you'r e going scarf shopping,
and Kim's getting boinked in a Parkview suite.
-- Just stay till he gets her e. -- Casey.
-- I don't like being alone with the guy. -- He's fine.
-- Yeah, I know he's fine. Totally fine. -- So? Good.
-- He's a little morose, a little somber. -- Yes.
Those ar e adjectives that wouldn't be entir ely out of place
describing you, ther e, Chuckles.
-- You'll stay? -- Sur e.
Good.
Hello.
Hey, Steve.
I'm outta her e. You guys have a good show.
Thank you.
Hi.
Am I late?
-- You'r e right on time. -- Good.
-- Good, I like to be efficient. -- Yes.
-- Or prompt is r eally what I meant to say. Punctual. -- You're fine.
Everything's fine. Dan got you started on the script.
You've got the f eatur es and the dailies.
Obviously, we'll fill in the blanks.
-- Is something wrong? -- Yeah, I think my girlf riend's br eaking up with me.
-- Huh? -- My girlf riend, Felicia, I think she's breaking up with me.
-- When? -- Right now. Tonight. I think she's gonna do it when I'm on the air.
I think I'm gonna get home and find a note where her stuff used to be.
[ Sniff s ]
Dave: In 3...2...
Casey: Good evening. From New York City,
I'm Casey McCall alongside Steve Sarris
sitting in for Dan Rydell.
Those stories, plus the Chicago Bulls have a cow,
the Toronto Raptors show their teeth,
and the Florida Marlins ar e in hook, line, and sinker.
We'll take you to Kentucky
and show you ther e's mor e than one way to skin a cat,
and we'll take you to Chicago wher e a certain Bear
has got his hand stuck in the honey jar --
all that coming up after this.
You'r e watching "Sports Night" on CSC,
and this one's going out to you, Felicia.
Dave: Okay.
We'r e out, I guess.
Two minutes back.
Casey!
I got it.
Steve...
Yeah.
We don't generally do that.
Do what?
Um, dedicate a show.
I'm sorry.
-- It's no problem. -- It's just that I got to get her back, Casey.
-- I understand. -- I love her.
-- Listen, can you hang on a second? -- Yeah.
[ Clears throat ]
-- Wher e the hell is she? -- She ran back to her office.
-- Well, can you get her to run back in her e? -- Don't you want to sit at your desk?
Not until I absolutely have to.
10 seconds live.
Okay.
We commence with our top story.
The race for Lord Stanley's Cup...
Aah!
-- What ar e you doing her e? -- What are you doing here?
First off, it's my office. Second off --
Who car es what second off is? It's my office.
We'r e in the middle of a show.
-- Natalie's got the wheel. -- Ah.
Yes, I do that on occasion.
So don't f eel like 11:00 to midnight
is your special "I can waltz into Dana's office
and play with her gun" time.
-- My what? -- Your special --
-- Shut up. -- [ Laughing ]
What ar e you doing her e?
-- I heard about Brown Bess. -- You named my gun?
It alr eady had a name.
This is a Brown Bess second model muskatoon.
You like guns.
-- I like this gun. -- What a shock.
This gun hasn't had a lot of use.
Look, you can see her e.
[ Clicks ]
The f rizzen is almost pristine.
Well, I'll keep that in mind if I ever run across Laf ayette.
Laf ayette was on our side, but I got the joke.
-- Sam... This is a European walnut stock,
and I could be wrong, but I think this outline
is the military inspector's cartouche.
Guns ar e disgusting.
-- You think? -- Yeah.
Did you ever hear the expr ession,
"Contempt prior to investigation"?
No.
It's f rom A.A.
You should be car ef ul with that.
-- I am. -- Okay.
Anyway, I wasn't hitting on you.
What?
I said...
I wasn't hitting on you.
I was just talking about the musket.
What in the world...
would make you think
-- l-I thought -- -- Just playing saf e.
-- Fine. -- Okay.
I have to get back to the show.
What did you come in her e f or?
Um...
Mm, I can't r emember.
Okay.
Steve: But now all Pacers f ans
are giving Larry Bird a headache.
-- What was -- -- Contempt prior to investigation.
-- Thank you. -- Okay.
As we go to Indianapolis, native home of the 500,
the Choctaw Indians --
and Ms. Felicia Mercer.
Hear that Felicia? Ms., not Miss.
It's called respecting you.
Somebody get Dana back her e!
Dean Hanson is standing by at the RCA Dome. Dean.
Dave: 30 seconds back. -- You think she heard that? -- Dude...
I'm pr etty sur e any number of people heard that.
Steve, two things I need you to know about --
this TelePromp Ter and the FCC.
Yes.
-- Got it? -- Yes.
In 3...2...
In mor e basketball news, a quick look
at the standings show how important
last night's Detroit/Miami game was...
[ Knock on door ]
Hey.
Why ar en't you in the control room?
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
Psych out.
-- That's f unny, Dana. -- Thank you.
Who's Felicia Mercer?
I think she's Steve Sarris' girlf riend.
Well, could you let him know
that unless he's dating Martina Hingis,
-- we don't mention our girlf riends on the show? -- Yes.
Well, get in ther e!
-- Yes. -- Dana?
Do you want to hear something f unny?
I want to work!
Sam's under the impr ession I thought he was hitting on me.
Please go back in there.
I certainly wasn'tasking him to hit on me, if that's what you wer e implying.
-- Dana... -- He likes guns, so right away --
-- Dana... -- And "B" -- pbht. I don't find him all that attractive.
I need to work her e.
Maybe if he shaved his mustache.
I'm begging you, please.
Nope. You know what?
Not even if he shaved his mustache.
Dana...
And it's not just the mustache and the guns.
You know what I'm saying?
It's his unquenchable desir e to control everything
and everyone around him.
Ugh, I hate myself.
I'm sorry.
I have to get back.
Okay.
I'm getting a lock on my door.
Casey: ...Detroit was ominous,
where General Manager Jack Egan told reporters
his most recent outburst was intended to send a message
to embattled coach Lem Goring.
-- Steve. -- Not unlike the many messages I've left f or you, Felicia,
all of which have gone unr eturned,
-- Give him the hook, Casey. -- which I have to say is --
We'r e gonna take a commercial br eak.
All those who will be back f or the second half of the show, take one step f orward.
Steve, not so f ast.
You'r e watching "Sports Night" on CSC,
and we can't believe it ourselves.
Dave: We're out. Elliot: Two minutes back.
I'm sorry about this, Casey.
No problem, partner.
Everybody's allowed a -- a bad night.
Thanks f or understanding.
l, uh, I know a thing or two about unr equited love
and -- Oh, look, her e comes Kim.
She's gonna help you get your stuff together.
And, uh, if Kim can't make you f orget about Felicia, then I want to meet Felicia.
-- Right. Right. I gotta get it together. -- Yup.
Get it together.
You okay in ther e by yourself, Casey?
Yeah, I'm used to the lonesome road, Natalie.
I may have had my shar e of pain wher e women ar e concerned,
but I'm done with that now.
Okay.
Wher e's Dana?
She's with Sam.
Okay.
[ Telephone ringing ]
[ Gun cocks ]
I see you'r e still her e.
Did you r emember what you needed?
Hmm?
You came in bef or e, but you f orgot why.
Yes.
Did you come back because you r emember ed what you needed?
Uh, yes.
What?
Scotch tape.
Okay.
Guns kill people, Sam.
They'r e macho, and they'r e r edneck,
and they'r e disgusting.
And f rankly, despite all your f aults --
The world isn't r eally like that, Dana.
It's a mor e inter esting place than that.
-- Than what? -- Black and white.
Well, in this particular case, I happen to be a dues-paying member of --
Francis Marion was a f armer f rom South Carolina --
unschooled, unsophisticated --
but when the king sent his army
to terrorize the colonists --
who wanted nothing mor e glamorous
than their birthright --
Marion and a hundr ed other f armers...
f ought them off with this.
They stood up to the British Empir e
with that crappy piece of tin.
Here.
You'r e a member of the Anti-handgun Coalition?
You gotta learn to separate the stuff...f rom the stuff.
What happened to Francis Marion?
I don't know.
When the British r etr eated f rom Charleston,
Marion wasn't asked to participate
in the victory celebration.
His men wer e consider ed too ragged...
too dirty...
too crazy.
Sounds like your kind of guys.
Yeah.
Look --
I'm leaving in a week.
I know.
Maybe we should just...
keep it wher e it is?
Yeah.
Okay.
I gotta get back to the control room.
Okay.
Hey, Natalie, you think bef or e we go I might have time to get a f ull body piercing?
I mean, I don't want to look weird.
-- Jer emy... -- I'm kidding.
-- I'm very ex cited to go. -- Fine.
What do you suppose all those people do during the daytime?
-- I don't know. -- They can't all work at Tower Records, can they?
-- Hey. -- Hey.
You punted Steve Sarris?
-- Yeah. -- Let me see a preview on the LSU film.
You'd think by now, the people that work at Tower Records,
that somebody would tap them on the shoulder and tell them
that they ar en't actually rock stars themselves.
Can I str etch my legs?
Yeah.
[ Door opens ] You can go, too.
-- I'm fine. -- No, you'r e not. Go get her.
[ Door closes ]
[ Indistinct voices, telephone ringing ]
I said I'd go. What do you want f rom me?
Man, could you do me a f ew mor e f avors, Jer emy, I mean, if it's not too much to ask?
-- I know these ar en't your people. -- Yeah, when did they become your people?
-- They'r e not my people. -- Then why ar e we even talking --
I like lots of diff er ent people, Jer emy!
I don't know what I like, and I don't know why it's important
that I have my mind made up at 26.
Now, it's not like we go out all the time.
-- We go out a lot. -- No, we --
-- We go out a lot! -- Well, I want to go out mor e.
And I said I'd go, Natalie.
In f act, I've said it f our times now.
You'r e sitting in ther e making jokes,
making me f eel like 50 cents worth --
You know what? No, hang on a second.
If you'r e going to drag my ass to these places
-- and insist that I enjoy it -- -- Don't.
I make jokes. That's me having a good time.
-- At my expense? -- How is it at your expense?
Why can't you go to these places with me and have a good time?
First of all, when we go to these places,
you'r e having a good time with everybody in the room but me.
I'm having a good time with everybody in the room but you
'cause you'r e the only one in the room not having a good time.
-- You sit ther e -- -- I do my very best, Natalie.
No, you don't.
You sit ther e f eeling superior, only you don't f eel superior
'cause no one in ther e gives a damn that you'r e a sports expert.
No, actually, in that environment, I do f eel superior f or a good many r easons,
none of which has anything to do with my sports expertise,
nor do I f eel superior 'cause I got to walk by two bouncers with a clipboard.
I don't get the same thrill you get f rom being on the list.
Bef or e we go on,
could you make a couple mor e trashy accusations about me?
Okay, how about you stop telling me what a drag I am?
-- Why ar e you so mad at me? -- I'm not mad at you.
Ther e ar e things about you I find unattractive.
Ther e ar e things about you I don't like.
Well, ther e ar e things about you I don't like.
And that's the way it goes.
Ar e we done?
Yeah, we'r e back f rom commercial.
No, Jer emy...
ar e we done?
Yeah.
Casey: Later in the show, we'll catch up with the news
on the ladies' tournament in the post-Steffi era.
Don't go away because when we come back,
we'll take a look at one of nature's newest anomalies --
a soccer game with high scores.
You're watching "Sports Night" on CSC, so stick around.