Kim: Five minutes to air.
First team in the studio, please.
Five minutes.
Casey: Let's go.
-- Good news. -- What?
From now on, I am not Dan.
I'm not Danny.
I'm Daniel.
Good. Let's go.
When I joined the union, ther e alr eady was a Daniel Rydell.
Come on. Let's go do the show.
Guess what happened.
What, the guy died?
-- The guy died. -- Ex cellent.
-- I'm Daniel. -- Nice to meet you.
-- Jer emy -- -- Hang on.
We'r e going to call you back first thing in the morning.
-- Jer emy... -- Listen to this.
I'm Daniel now.
Can we go?
That was a woman whose name
I can't r emember now.
-- Was it Daniel? -- No.
-- Good. -- She's a publicist at a cosmetics company,
and do we want five minutes
on the air this Thursday with M.J.?
-- Jordan wants to do an interview? -- Yeah.
-- Her e?
-- Well, why was it a publicist f rom a cosmetics company? -- Because...
-- Ah, don't tell me. -- Yeah.
-- He's got a cologne coming out. -- Yeah.
Michael Jordan has a second cologne?
It's called Jordan.
Inter esting.
How do you suppose he thought up the name?
-- Who car es? They called us. -- They did.
-- You gotta be happy about that. -- I am.
They could've called Fox, they could've called ESPN --
-- They called us. -- Right.
Oh, let's go do the show.
I think you should get happy.
-- I am happy. -- You don't look happy.
I'm happy, I just have other concerns.
Natalie, what do you think of Daniel Rydell?
-- Ar e you r ef erring to yourself in the third person? -- No.
-- 'Cause it's awf ully annoying. -- I know it is.
Also when they change the pronunciation of their name in midstr eam.
"Don't call me Tony 'Dorsitt.' call me Tony Dor-sett."
No, this is --
And like getting the world to call Prince
by one pr etentious name in a lif etime wasn't enough,
I gotta learn to draw the symbol f or boron.
-- No, this is -- -- What's on your mind?
-- Nothing. -- Four minutes to air.
This is turning out to be a good day.
That's right.
We landed an interview with M.J.
Yes, and Sam Donovan gets in tonight.
-- You've taken a liking to him, haven't you? -- Sam Donovan?
-- Yeah. -- Yes, I have.
Because he drives Dana crazy?
Ah, ther e ar e many r easons why I like the man.
But mostly because...
He drives Dana crazy.
-- So what ar e your concerns? -- What concerns?
You said bef or e that you wer e happy, but you had some concerns.
Uh, I have to go to Charlie's class tomorrow and do a pr esentation.
-- Of what? -- Anything.
I have to demonstrate something.
-- You know what you'r e going to do? -- No.
And please don't tell me it doesn't matter what I do, that I'm his f ather,
and that he'll be impr essed with me no matter what.
He's 10, Casey. He's gonna be mortified by you no matter what.
Thanks f or the pep talk, Danny.
-- Daniel. -- Shut up.
Dave: Two minutes to VTR. -- Thr ee minutes live.
Chris: Stand by animation one through five.
Will: Loading sound 5 and 5A.
Elliot: Standing by in Boston.
-- He's got a second cologne? -- Yes.
I wonder what it's like.
The publicist f ax ed me the pr ess kit,
and appar ently the new f ragrance,
like the r edefined Michael himself,
is about newness, playf ulness, and unpr etentious elegance.
-- Sounds good. -- I'm gonna get me a jug.
-- Hey. -- Wher e have you been?
-- Is he her e? -- Dana...
-- Is he her e?! -- Not yet.
-- Let's start the show. -- We're not on for another 90 seconds.
-- I don't car e. Start the show. -- I don't really think we can do that.
-- Really? -- Yeah.
-- You might be right. -- I think I am.
He's gonna mess with the rundown.
-- Dana. -- He is.
You'r e letting him make you crazy.
I'm not letting him make me crazy, Natalie.
I haven't given him permission or anything. He does it all by himself.
We've got an ex clusive interview with Michael Jordan.
-- Is that supposed to make me f eel better? -- Yeah.
He br eezes on in f rom whatever city he's just br eezed out of,
and then he, you know, br eezes on in,
always right bef or e the show,
when he always tweaks the top of the rundown.
He's kind of got you psyched out.
He does not have me psyched out.
Hello.
-- Hey, Sam. -- Hey, Sam. -- Hey, Sam. -- Hey, Sam.
-- Hello, Sam. -- Hello.
-- Welcome back. -- Thank you.
-- Welcome back f rom England. -- Thank you.
Wher e they r eally need a ratings consultant
in the dog-eat-dog world of the BBC.
Kim: 60 seconds live.
How's the rundown?
The rundown's fine.
It looks good.
It is good.
It looks good.
-- What do you want to change? -- I don't want to change anything.
-- Liar! Natalie: Dana!
The rundown's fine.
Yes, you say that,
and then, at the last second, you change the top
just to see everybody scramble around.
I don't think that is what I do.
Well, not this time, it's not, my British f riend.
-- I'm f rom Philadelphia. -- Yes!
You seem a little psyched out, Dana.
Maybe you want Natalie to run the show.
-- Maybe that's not a bad id-- -- Ex cuse me!
I am not psyched out,
nor am I buying into your little game, King George.
You'r e not tweaking the top of the rundown.
I am.
-- Dana... -- Yes, l, too, am versed in the tactics of the mind,
Sir Thomas,
and I'm making a preemptive strike.
-- 30 seconds live. -- Flip the 30s and the 40s, drop the paint,
over-the-shoulder in the 2 block,
and move lverson to the wood.
Dana --
Do it!
[ All talking at once ]
-- Thank you. -- And that's a "Z" and not an "S"...
We'r e f rozen on the slow roll!
Okay.
See?
Okay!
That was exactly what you wanted me to do,
wasn't it?
Natalie: Dana?
Go back.
Go back! Go back!
[ All talking at once ]
You'r e having a r eally good time, ar en't you?
Yeah, it's good to be back.
Dave: In 3...2...
Casey: Good evening. From New York City,
I'm Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell.
Dan?
No, I'm good with my hands. I could build something for the class.
You'r e not good with your hands.
It's 11:00 now. The class doesn't start till 2:00.
Do you think thr ee hours is long enough
f or me to get good with my hands?
I r ead Beowulf in thr ee hours.
How could you r ead Beowulf in thr ee hours?
I didn't r ead it, r eally, but I saw the movie.
Uh, but ther e's no movie of Beowulf.
What the hell movie did I see?
You'r e not helping.
-- Do you know how to bake br ead? -- No.
They probably don't, either. You could probably f ake it.
Wouldn't I have to produce some br ead at the end?
You sprinkle some flour, you pound some dough.
"Hey, look over ther e!"
You pull a loaf of Wonder out f rom under the desk.
[ Sighs ] Leave me alone.
"Jordan by Michael reflects Michael's transition
"f rom inimitable basketball legend
to dashing on-the-go businessman. "
The pr ess kits f rom JSM?
"His Carolina home is the muse for his latest f ragrance.
"The f r esh pine aroma of the Carolina back country
gives this product an evanescent ex citement."
They know we'r e a sports show, right?
Let's start pr eparing some questions.
"Hey, Michael, when you wer e growing up in North Carolina,
"did you ever just [Sniff s] br eathe the air and think,
'One day, I'm gonna bottle this and make 250 million bucks'?"
[ Chuckles ] Basketball questions.
-- I want to start him off -- -- Hang on.
Ther e ar en't gonna be any basketball questions.
-- What? Jeremy: She's right.
Ar e you r eading this?
-- The last page? This was not meant f or us. -- Yeah.
-- What ar e you two talking about? -- The last page in the pr ess kit.
It's not meant f or us. It's not meant f or the pr ess. It got in her e by accident.
It was written by a publicist f or Michael's people.
"We must be cautious or the media will spin the interview
"onto an entir ely diff er ent topic --
"sports --
"and ignore our product.
"Let's do our best to steer the conversation
back to cologne."
Hmm.
Yes.
Well, now.
"We suggest you use
your celebrated media savvy to achieve our goal."
-- We're gonna talking about perf ume for five minutes? -- Cologne.
-- Is ther e a diff er ence? -- No.
-- Then what ar e we talking about? -- It's gonna be fine.
It's not gonna be fine. We'r e gonna be talking about perf ume f or five minutes.
-- Cologne. -- Guys...
-- We'r e gonna talk about basketball. -- It says --
We're interviewers, Dana. We conduct the interview.
Do you think we'r e gonna get outf ox ed by Michael Jordan?
Of course you'r e gonna get outf ox ed by Michael Jordan. He's Michael Jordan.
We have media skills we can utilize, right?
Sur e.
Really?
"Stick to the topics that appeal to you --
your sense of f ashion, keen eye f or style..."
We'll bring him back to basketball.
"...your sensuality, your love of literatur e and the arts."
Forget basketball. Let him talk about sensuality and books he's r ead.
It's worth 2 1/2 shar e points.
Well, tallyho, Sam. I didn't know you wer e with us.
-- I'm her e if you need me. -- Thanks. We don't need you.
Too late. Set up a practice interview.
One of you be Michael and try to throw Dan and Casey off.
-- A practice interview? -- Yeah.
-- You honestly think that's gonna help? -- Yeah. Don't you?
Yes.
Okay.
We'r e done.
Hang on. Can I just say something?
I have to go to Charlie's class tomorrow
and do some sort of pr esentation,
and it turns out I r eally have no demonstrable skills.
Any of you have an idea?
Well, your head's a perf ect r ectangle.
-- Maybe that'll impr ess the kids. -- [ Dan snickers ]
Okay, you guys think on it.
I'll be in my office if you come up with anything.
Back at 4 :00.
[ Knocks ] -- Hi. -- Hi.
Dana, listen to this.
This is f antastic.
"Bioengineering might one day cr eate living cr eatur es
adapted to survival in space."
-- Okay. -- Space birds.
-- Okay. -- Don't you want to know how they'r e gonna fly without air?
O-kay.
It says her e they'r e going to fly on sunlight.
So, we got this Michael Jordan off er --
For f arther out, where the sunlight grows weaker,
they'r e gonna bioengineer a squid.
A squid?
Yes, swimming not in water, but in space,
"drawing volatile f uels f rom Jovian moons
to power their gentle but efficient propulsion systems."
Uh, Michael Jordan --
"Their utility could be comparable to that
of horses and mules in the winning of the West."
-- Okay. -- I can see myself out there,
sitting alone by the fir e,
a space squid my only companion.
Isaac --
-- Michael Jordan. -- Yes.
They want to talk about cologne.
In the pr ess kit,
they accidentally included coaching notes f or Michael
on how to bring the interview back to the cologne.
-- Heh! -- Yeah.
Do we book the interview?
Absolutely.
-- Isaac... -- Absolutely.
And talk about perf ume?
Cologne.
-- Ther e's no diff er ence. -- Michael's Michael.
Let him talk about what he wants.
You r eally want to use "Sports Night" f or a 5-minute inf omercial?
With Michael? Sur e.
-- Isaac... -- You know, just 10 years ago,
it would have been hard to imagine a black man selling cologne.
8-year-olds ar e buying after-shave, Isaac.
I'm not sur e it's a huge step f orward.
I'll take any step f orward.
Okay.
Dana?
Yeah?
They're talking about bioengineering animals
and terraforming Mars.
When I started r eporting Gemini missions,
just watching a Titan rocket lift off
was a sight to see.
Now they'r e gonna colonize the solar system.
Ar e you obsessing about this?
Yes.
Why?
Because I won't be alive to see it.
Okay.
Space squid...
And ther e's a drawing.
This is gonna be incredible.
Well...
her e I go.
What do you got?
Uh, I came up with several inter esting things
-- I think will, you know, captivate their young minds. -- What do you got?
It's not one particular thing so much as an overview --
Casey, what do you got?
Wonder Bread was ridiculous, Danny. They'd see through that in a second.
-- You'll be fine. -- [ Sighs ] I am killing my child.
Say, you know who looks good today?
-- Who? -- Sally.
I'll see you later.
What did you say?
Sally looks good today.
-- Why did you say that? -- 'Cause she does.
-- You don't like Sally. -- I kind of do.
-- You can't. -- Why not?
'Cause my lif e is very conf using right now. So is yours. And you can't like Sally.
I didn't say I liked Sally. I said she looked good today.
Then you said you liked her.
Beowulf wasn't a movie?
You know, I have to go and pr etend to bake br ead now.
Casey, remember, it's all in the misdirection, okay? "Hey, look over there!"
Got it.
[ Telephone ringing ]
[ Keyboard keys clacking ]
[ Knock on door ]
Yes.
Hello.
Hi.
-- You don't know me. -- No.
My name's Sally Sasser. I'm ex ecutive producer of "West Coast Update."
-- I thought it was time I came by and said hello. -- Hi.
-- You've been doing an impr essive job her e. -- Thank you.
-- Ratings ar e up two-tenths. -- Yes.
I don't know what you've heard about me,
but I'm her e to set the r ecord straight
and have the opportunity f or a f r esh start.
I haven't heard anything about you.
-- Sur e you have. -- No, I haven't.
-- I was the one sleeping with Gordon. -- Who's Gordon?
-- Dana's fiancé. -- I didn't know that Dana was engaged.
-- She's not anymor e. -- 'Cause you wer e sleeping with her fiancé?
Yes, but r eally it was because I was sleeping with Casey,
and Gordon knew that she was mor e upset that I was sleeping with Casey
than she was that I was sleeping with Gordon.
Okay.
Wer e you able to f ollow all that?
No, but that's just because I wasn't paying attention.
Anyway, I wasn't sur e what you'd heard.
I hadn't heard anything.
Ther e's a sense that I'm after Dana's job.
-- Is that true? -- Absolutely not.
-- Really? -- Yes.
-- Dana's job's better than yours, isn't it? -- Yes.
Mor e people watch the 11:00 than the 2:00 A.M.
Yes.
-- She's got mor e r esponsibility. -- Yes.
-- Makes mor e money. -- Yes.
Why ar en't you after Dana's job?
Well, I'd like her job, but I'm not after --
My point is...
I don't sleep my way up the ladder,
and I just wasn't sur e what you'd heard.
I hadn't heard anything.
I don't sleep my way up the ladder.
-- Really? -- Yes.
That's too bad.
-- Sam... -- Susie.
-- Sally. -- Okay.
This meeting's not going that well, is it?
No.
The good news is, an hour f rom now,
I'm not gonna r emember who you ar e.
-- [ Chuckles ] -- Good.
Anything else?
-- Nope. -- Okay.
[ Keyboard keys clacking ]
All right. Let's go. You r eady, Dan?
-- Daniel. -- Yes. Ar e you r eady?
-- Yes. -- Who's gonna be Michael?
-- I...am! -- Why you?
-- Why not me? -- You'r e nothing like Michael.
-- And the two of you have a lot in common? -- We'r e both men.
Gender didn't seem to bother you when you got to be Dorothy Hamill.
This is r etribution.
-- Damn straight, baby. I love Dorothy Hamill. -- Natalie...
I used to do triple salchows in my bedroom.
I sewed the little costumes.
I skated every day after school.
I was in a little group called the --
[ Thump, thump, thump ]
Hi. Ar e we r eady?
Yes.
-- Yes. -- Let's go.
Mess with me, I sting like a bee.
-- Can we please... -- Michael, welcome.
Good to have you on the show.
-- [ Deep voice ] Thanks, Dan. -- Daniel. -- [ Groans ]
First things first, Mike. [ Telephone ringing ]
How ar e you enjoying r etir ement?
Well, as you know, Daniel, I'm only r etir ed f rom basketball.
My many business interests keep me busy,
-- including my new cologne. -- Hello?
-- Ex cuse me, Dana. -- Yeah?
-- It's Sam. He wants to see you in his office. -- I'm busy. Let's go.
-- Which I should say -- -- He says he needs you now.
Please tell him I'm busy
and that I will see him later.
Michael, when you watch the Bulls on TV, do you --
He says this isn't a r equest.
-- It isn't a r equest? -- No.
It's a command?
I suppose that's the implication.
Would you tell him this is the 21st century,
and we ar e not in Taming of the Shrew?
-- Continue. -- Michael, when you watch the Bulls on TV, do you sit --
He says he doesn't understand the r ef er ence, but that --
He doesn't understand the r ef er ence?
He said he didn't.
Whoo! Ex cuse me.
[ Sighs ]
Look, I didn't know you wanted it that bad.
-- I'm sorry -- -- Sorry don't f eed the bulldog, Dottie.
Taming of the Shrew -- the wedding scene.
-- Dana... -- Petruchio makes a bet with his f riends.
They send f or their wives
and bet which one will come f astest at their command.
See, you don't know everything.
It's a beautif ul scene, by the way,
with a glorious speech f rom Kate.
"Such small payment f or so gr eat a debt."
"Too little payment f or so gr eat a debt."
I thought you said you didn't know the r ef er ence.
I just needed you to get your ass in her e. Listen --
I'm looking f or ways to kill you, you know.
Dana, I have been through alcohol, marriage, and network television.
If you want to kill me, you'r e gonna need some Kryptonite.
What do you want?
-- You can stop practicing interview tactics. -- What happened?
They want editorial approval.
Editorial approval?
Yeah.
What ar e you talking about?
This is a taped interview on a news show.
They want final cut?
Yeah.
This is a news show.
Yeah.
That is -- in a million years,
would Fox or ESPN give editorial approval?
No.
That's why they came to us.
Yeah.
Let's talk to Isaac.
Okay.
You don't car e, do you?
Ratings ar e ratings, no matter how bogus the ill-gotten gains.
I don't believe I said that, Dana.
Let's talk to Isaac.
By the way, I met a girl named Susie today.
It sounds like she's the pr ef err ed vacation spot
f or all the men you date.
Sally.
Okay.
[ Knocks ] Isaac.
I got another one -- the Europa probe.
They melt a hole in the ice cap of Europa,
which is a Jupiter moon.
They melt a hole down to the liquid water
and send a submarine to search for signs of life
that ar e almost sur ely ther e.
We gotta land a ship on Europa first, don't we?
You don't think we can land on Europa?
It's a sheet of ice 400 million miles away.
I don't give a damn. I cover ed NASA f or eight years.
You draw an "X" anywher e in the universe, and these guys will land on it.
-- The thing is -- -- Isaac, Michael's people want editorial approval.
What ar e you talking about?
It's a condition of the interview.
This is a news show.
We don't give editorial approval.
That's right.
-- They'r e insisting? -- Yeah.
Well, Dana, if we did it just this once --
-- Isaac. -- An ex ception.
-- We can't... -- An ex ception f or Michael.
They didn't go to Fox, and they didn't go to ESPN.
Because they thought we wer e desperate enough f or the ratings to do it?
Yeah.
Ar e we, Sam?
Then tell them Isaac Jaffee says to go to hell.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank you.
Uh, Dana?
Don't tell them to go to hell.
Tell them that we're professionals
and that we want to be the best at what we do.
If anybody can understand that,
it'll be Michael.
Right on the "X."
Natalie: He's gonna bake the bread?
Dan: He's not actually gonna bake it.
I doubt they have a suitable oven in the classroom.
He's just gonna pr etend to bake it.
Jer emy: I'm looking f orward to the day when I have kids
and I do a demonstration in their class.
What would you do?
Whatever I was in the mood f or.
I could make a nuclear r eactor if I could get my hands on some decent plutonium.
-- Sur e. -- I can accelerate the aging process of a pumpkin.
-- Really? -- Yeah. Pr etty simple, actually.
-- Hmm. -- I'm back. Dan: Hey.
I'm back, and I'm triumphant!
Natalie: They bought the bread?
Misdir ection, Natalie.
-- I didn't do the br ead. -- What'd you do?
I did what I do, Dan.
I did what I do.
You scr ewed up your romantic lif e in f ront of fifth graders?
-- [ Laughter ] -- No.
I got ther e early,
and I'm standing out on the playground during r ecess,
and I'm trying to think what I can come up with at the last minute,
but I can't concentrate on that because all around me kids ar e playing games.
Ther e's some kickball going on over ther e,
dodge ball over here, hopscotch in the corner,
and like a flood, like a surge,
I'm suddenly filled with this sense of,
"I know what the hell I'm doing."
And when r ecess was over,
we go back into the classroom...
And you called the highlights.
I called the highlights. It was f antastic.
I did interviews with the kids, I did injury reports.
I had a girl named Phoebe do a demonstration of jacks --
shy little girl, barely speaks above a whisper
because she's so af raid she's gonna say something stupid,
but when I got her talking about f oursies,
she was like Muhammad Ali.
Nice, Casey.
Beats an aging pumpkin.
-- What? -- Don't worry about it.
-- Hi. We can go back about our business. -- Hi.
What do you mean?
It's not going to happen. Let's get back to work.
Too many strings, huh?
Yeah.
-- Was it tough on Isaac? -- Yeah.
Is Sam pissed?
No. He --
Turns out he was on my side on this one.
Cool.
Still drives me crazy.
Yeah.
Totally...crazy.
Anyway, uh, I will be back in my office.
Okay.
See ya.
-- So... -- Yes?
-- You had a good day. -- Yes, yes.
But as the adr enaline of the afternoon begins to drain away,
some other things begin to come into f ocus.
Like what?
Well, I finally broke up with Dana,
who I never went out with.
Dana broke up with Gordon because Sally slept with me,
and you said you like Sally.
Hmm.
And maybe Sam drives Dana a little too crazy?
Yeah.
I have some concerns.
Well, it wouldn't be a day unless you had some concerns.
Yeah, I suppose.
-- Let's go write our show. -- All right.