I didn't know how to say sorry to you,
even though I am really sorry.
The day of the dick is done.
I have spent my entire life
wondering what it would be like to see you again.
It's even more disappointing than I imagined.
I don't think I make sense for London.
What do you mean?
It's all for the best.
(SOBS) Mum...
I've been asked to pitch a TV idea.
I am the Waste Warrior.
- (WASHING MACHINE ACTIVATES) - Ooh!
VOICE OVER: He's an internationally renowned Michelin-starred chef.
But now Easton West is ready to step out of his whites
and into the dumpster.
I'm Easton West...
...Waste Warrior.
Join me, Easton West,
as I turn one man's trash into another man's culinary treasure.
Obviously the voiceover's temp and there'll be effects
and things like that.
So are you gonna tell me what you think?
Without your unconscious bias.
Oh, my bias is very conscious.
I just think you should be more you and less whatever that was.
That was me.
Oh, you're right.
- It's shit. - Well...
The kid they hired was a moron.
I told him it was the wrong direction.
I need to get on to this ASAP.
Shoot it all again.
Hey, you should be in the show.
(LAUGHS) No, thanks.
Why not? Be good for your business.
You look great for your age.
Thank you?
Oh, my God.
These go well together.
Barbecue chips and Pinot. Mmm.
Oh, you should try butter popcorn and oaky chardonnay.
We could do a spin on cheese flights for your new cellar door.
Popular snack foods and top notch wine pairings.
Nachos with...
Grenache. Hmm?
You see? You're a palate.
Genius.
Love you. I'll call you later.
Wait. What?
What?
Nothing.
- What did I say? - You...
What, did I just say...?
No.
It's fine.
I'll see you later.
(CHUCKLES)
Sync and corrections by solfieri www.addic7ed.com
Oh, come on. You're not even trying.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm really bad company.
You can go if you want to. It's fine. You can leave.
But I'll probably just die if you do.
OK.
I know it's hard,
but you need to move on from Harry and London
and get your ass out of bed because I need to go to work.
I know.
OK.
Here's an idea, right?
What if...
...I get a job at Zhao's
and get the band back together again?
It'll be like good old times.
What happened to being the next Nigel la?
No, that ship has sailed.
I'm too old.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
I want to do something great with my career and meaningful with my life.
It's, like, how can I do that here?
You could just go back to work with Easton.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- OK. - Oh.
I've got to go to work.
So if you die from bedsores, it's officially your fault.
- (KISSES) - Love you.
You know what she needs? A rebound.
Brett, you can't just replace a boyfriend like that.
Not boyfriend.
A rebound hobby.
When I was a kid and my dog died, I rebounded with saxophone lessons.
(LAUGHS) Well, I don't think the saxophone is going to help.
Maybe a nice cup of tea will help.
- Yeah. - Hmm.
Hey! Question or statement.
Something's been bothering me.
Can this just wait until I get her out of bed?
- Yeah. No, of course. - Yeah.
- It's just... - OK.
I've been feeling bad about us going off at June.
Felt invigorating at the time,
but she's been moping around the house for days.
Well, you didn't say anything.
And I did all the going off, so don't worry about it.
Maybe we should all just...
...try and get along or something.
(LAUGHS)
Good one, Brett.
(LAUGHS)
You don't have to be a Michelin-starred chef
with a whole lot of expensive ingredients
to make a meal that is nutritious, cost effective,
most of all, fucking delicious.
Now, wait, wait, wait.
No, I don't want to put people off.
Maybe I should just keep it clean and friendly.
Easton, I thought you wanted to try and do something a bit more real.
I've got some cool ideas.
Yeah, well, thanks, Stanley Kubrick.
Just keep your eyes wide open and your mouth fucking shut.
I'm keeping it nice.
OK?
From the top.
You don't have to be a Michelin-starred chef with a...
- Sorry, have you started? - Yes.
Oh, look, I won't be a sec. I just forgot the sugar.
- Sugar. - It's for Diana.
- Anyone else want to come in? - Yep, I do.
- I just need to talk to Denise. - Alright.
- In a minute. - But I thought it was a hot set.
At least my mother clearly has the decency to respect my career.
To be able to make a meal which is nutritious, cost effective,
and most of all, very delicious.
- See... - You've got to be kidding!
Mum! You said they weren't filming.
Oh, I thought you were in the kitchen.
Well, I was until you came and took it over.
So I can't even have high tea in my own garden
to get my daughter out of a funk?
I'm not in a funk, Mum.
I told you, I'm metamorphosing.
Well, that dress really brings out your grumpy face.
How long is this going to go on for?
Ten seasons. So we better come to an arrangement.
You can't use our house as your set.
- Why not? - What are you making there?
Veggie bake?
That's really cool. I didn't realise your show was set in the '60s.
With expertise, what's old can be new again.
Not everything has to be served in a gumboot or whatever shit you do
to distract people from your lack of cooking skills.
You should at least try and do something interesting.
You know, you could use your stupid home brew
as like a deglaze for the pan or something.
It's not like anyone wants to drink it anyway.
Yeah, well, that's not a bad idea, but you can still piss off.
You piss off, Lamey Oliver.
Alright, just everyone get off my set! Frog.
- Take it from the top. - Sorry. Frog?
Yeah.
I won Tropfest in 2010.
- Ah! - Cool.
- Excuse me. - Oh, shit.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Janine. The real estate agent.
I'm here to do the appraisal.
It's when an agent comes to see what a property's worth.
Yeah, we know what an appraisal is.
Why are you doing one?
Because you're selling the house.
- Huh? - No, we're not.
So where's Grandma June's van gone?
Well, this takes the cake. What the hell is she thinking?
No. There's something not right about this.
She wouldn't just leave without saying goodbye.
Yeah, she wouldn't just leave.
No, she's not answering.
And she definitely told you she was selling the house?
Um... yes.
Well, no, she isn't.
She can't just take our house from us.
And it's where my show is set.
Yeah, that's the whole shtick.
She knew that.
Where are you going?
To go look for her.
And make sure she's OK.
Well, if she's trying to sell the house, I'm coming with you.
Brett and I have put too much into this place.
And need I remind anyone
that my father and a flock of greyhounds are buried out there?
Oh. Mum, Mum... it's too much information.
Can we go?
Do not tell Preston. I will sort this out.
So as the planets drive aimlessly searching for a van...
Grandma told me she doesn't like driving long distances
and she came from the east so she wouldn't have headed that way
because she doesn't like going places she's already been, so...
Gosh, you really did bond, didn't you?
Is that a bad thing?
I think turn left and head south.
OK. Why is that?
Just a hunch.
There you go, you bloody hunchback.
You bonded with her, too.
Oh, no, we most certainly didn't.
Well, I did.
And now she just gets up and leaves
just before my career takes off again.
I mean, who does that?
A sociopath, that's who.
Why are you so surprised?
It's not like she hasn't done it to us before.
OK. Grandma June is not a sociopath, alright?
She's just... different.
I mean, one might say that what she did when she left Grandpa Jim,
it was... it was even brave and progressive, you know,
rebelling against the patriarchy.
- Oh, give me a break. Patriarchy? - Brave? Are you serious?
- Dad with the patriarchy? - Do you think that's brave?
- (SCOFFS) - (LAUGHS)
OK.
(TURNS ON RADIO)
So I've been thinking I should do the adult thing and move out again.
Paying rent is just so silly when you can stay at home for free.
- If we still have a home, that is. - Yes.
Well, I've been thinking also about what I want to do career wise.
So my idea is to do like a web series type thing.
And it would be me cooking at home.
I'm the content maker. Copy cat.
What are you, five?
I'm not copying you.
God! It'd be like a share house and I'd invite people over and...
...and then they'd tell me
what their favourite foods are when they were little.
And then I'd put my own Diana spin on it.
So it would be like getting to know people through their food narrative.
It sounds boring.
I think that we should have turned back there.
Why?
Well, that's south.
And she told me that she always likes turning right.
Oh, my God. Mum, are you tracking her phone?
No.
Yes.
But I track everybody out of concern.
Oh, my God. You track all our phones?
No, don't look at it while you're driving.
That's weird.
Wait. Is this how you found out that I was at that Year 10 bush doof?
- Yeah. Where everyone was on drugs? - Yes.
Give me your phone, please.
Mum, they were not illegal.
OK? Maddie Plimpton was handing out her ADHD medication.
Do you know how many missing people there are in the world?
If they had Find My Phone on their phones,
they wouldn't be missing, would they?
- Whoa! - What are you doing?
- Are you crazy? - I'm going to do a U-turn.
What, on this road? You'll get us all killed, you friggin' maniac.
Fucking women drivers.
I'm not insane, you know?
Alright, you're clear. Come on.
I might care too much, but trust me, it's better than the opposite.
OK. Come back.
Oh, I'm not too certain about that.
And I've been through enough to know that I am certain.
- Come on. - God, Mum, I really need to pee.
I don't know why you gave me all that tea earlier.
A good mother knows what her child needs.
And maybe if June was more of a mother than a feminist icon,
I might be a little bit more normal, too.
- What are you waiting for? - Yes. OK.
But that's not all on her, though, is it?
It's also Pop. I mean, I love that freak.
But you said yourself he wasn't the best dad.
Like, imagine... Imagine being married to him.
Well, he still stayed, though.
He never left me.
That counts for something.
Hello?!
Come on!
Turn the wheel.
You mean this way? Like that?
- Oh, my God. - Is that really necessary?
Mum. Come on, you have to admit, it's hilarious.
Turn the wheel and come back.
- Yes, yes, yes. - Come on.
(LAUGHS)
That's it.
- Whoop! - Whoa!
Come on.
High comedy.
- I can't hear him. - Come on.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Very funny. Diana, open the door.
Just open the f... Open the door.
(LAUGHS)
Yes! Teamwork! High five!
- (LAUGHS) - We alright?
No, but I do really need to pee.
- Straight ahead. Straight ahead. - (LAUGHS)
Yeah. Me too, actually.
- Ew! Ew! Ew! - Jesus! What are you doing?
I don't know what happened in the ladies',
but it's full red rum in there.
It's frickin' gross.
What's the matter?
I can't use the urinal when someone else is in the bathroom.
Never could.
Just use the cubicle next to me.
Who gives a shit?
That's even weirder.
- (URINE TRICKLING) - (SIGHS)
It is weird, us weeing next to each other.
Well, you should have waited.
It's not that I care about your opinion or anything,
but do you think I made a mistake not going back to London?
You want to talk about that now?
Yeah, well, it's a nice distraction
from that pressure hose you got going on.
Christ!
No, you didn't make a mistake.
And you're not just saying that because you're terrified
that I'm going to become more famous and more successful than you?
Why the hell would I give a crap about that?
Because that's what it's always been about since the very beginning.
You haven't wanted me to succeed.
Bullshit.
I was the one that saw your talent.
Yeah, and used it for yourself.
Well, you did the same.
We both used each other and it worked, didn't it?
Jim's was a hit.
Until you royally fucked it.
Clearly, you're nothing without me.
What, so you think because I spent the past year being a hermit loser
and sleeping in my childhood bunk bed with...
...with no prospects whatsoever...
...that it means I need you?
(TRICKLE)
You missed me.
Oh, piss off. I didn't say that.
(CLATTERING)
What is that?
You froggin' prick!
Fuckin'...!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
God!
Oh, shit!
He got all of that.
There goes my TV show.
It's alright.
I'm a big old loser, too.
Maybe it's genetic.
Mm?
(FORCES LAUGHTER)
It's saying she's around here somewhere.
Coming up on our left.
Is this it, Mum?
Not only do you have nurses on standby, 24/7,
you also have access to all of our state-of-the-art facilities,
the indoor pool, the art supplies, prayer room.
You struck me as a bit of a creative, spiritual sort.
Eugh!
(LAUGHS) I can assure you, it tastes better than it looks.
Personally, I can't get enough of the grub around here.
Mum?!
Oh, you have family!
- How lov... - Mum!
- Excuse me? - Mum?
What?
- Excuse me. - Mum?
Mum, open the door.
We have set visiting hours.
Can you let us in, please? We're her family.
I'm sorry, you all have to leave immediately before I...
You're...
You're that famous chef.
Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) - Now will you let us in?
Yes. Yeah.
In visiting hours.
(GASPS) What a wanker.
- Move. - Grandma?
Come on. Hey, just let us in.
Hey.
Psst! Psst!
- Nice work. - Mum!
(RADIO PLAYING)
Hey.
- (MAN ON RADIO) - Thank you, Rebecca, for your call.
Now let's hear another song.
And here's Take That...
Grandma June, what in the fresh hell?
You said you wouldn't rat me out.
How dare you try and sell our house?
We grew up there.
Brett and I have spent time and money making it into a home.
Yeah. And what about my show?
You knew I was filming it there.
- I thought you cared about my career. - I do.
I thought it was practice until you take it to the movie studio.
The movie studio? I'm not making Spider-Man.
(COUGHS LOUDLY AND VIOLENTLY)
Grandma, I'm just confused.
Like, I don't understand why you would just pack up and leave
and try and sell the house without even saying goodbye.
I mean, why would you do that?
I was sick of living in my van.
And if I have to be here, I have to have money.
These places are a rort.
And I thought because you're so enterprising and talented,
you'll be fine.
Well, we're not.
Is that the only reason you came back, for the... for the money?
Yeah.
I don't believe that.
(COUGHS VIOLENTLY)
Jesus!
Carry on.
Do you have any idea what your leaving did to us?
Any... any idea?
You were better off.
I mean, some people aren't meant to be mothers,
and I'm afraid you two were born to one of those women.
It just didn't come naturally to me.
I was so depressed after you were born.
Well, it didn't come naturally to me either.
I was depressed after Diana was born.
You were? Oh, well, jeez, thanks a lot.
Well, don't take it personally.
Yeah, I get depressed, too.
Obviously not postpartum, but still.
And I was depressed in London. OK?
And it was all your fault. Are we happy?
Do you think being a mother is easy?
It's a battle.
But I didn't give up and I sure as hell didn't leave.
Well, what can I say? You're a better woman than I.
So why did you come back now?
I'm old
and I can't be on the road forever.
Please. Mick Jagger is older than you. I think.
(LAUGHS) I'm sure, when Mick Jagger gets to the end,
he's not going to care about being Mick Jagger
if there's nobody around to give a crap!
I don't want to die alone
and I don't want to eat this place's dried out donkey meatloaf
for the rest of my life.
And I know that's what I deserve.
But you people, you don't know what you have.
You are so very lucky to have people who would put up with you.
(MAN COUGHS)
For what it's worth, I am sorry.
And I'm very sorry for trying to sell the house.
That wasn't very nice.
(CHOKING)
Jesus Christ!
- Would you shut up? - (CHOKING)
Oh, my God, Mum.
- Oh, no, no. He's choking. - I'll go and get someone.
No, no, no. He needs our help now.
- Get him up! Quick. - Help! Help!
Get him up! Get him there.
I got him.
Ha!
(SCREAMS)
No way.
(MAN COUGHS)
Jesus.
Nothing kills this guy's appetite for donkey meatloaf.
Look, I really don't care what you do.
You know, mi casa, su casa, and all that.
As long as Denise and I have our room back.
I'm moving into the guest room.
What? No, you're not. It's mine.
- Denise said I could. - Yeah, you can, when I move out.
You haven't even got a job. What are you talking about?
Look who's talking, douche biscuit.
- You're a douche biscuit. - Oi, you two, cut it out.
No-one's a douche biscuit.
Well, where's Grandma going to stay, then?
Well, I suppose I needn't have the master bedroom.
You don't need any bedroom.
You've got your van.
That is true.
Well...
...you can have a shower if you need.
Just as long as it's off peak.
Honestly, I'm just thankful to have a fixed address.
Luckier than a lot of people out there.
And also, my van is far more comfortable
than those hideous bunk beds.
And this view! I mean...
It's incredible, isn't it?
Excuse me.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Hello, TV star.
I don't know about that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it's OK.
I wasn't really into it anyway.
But I was thinking,
if you're ever running short of staff in the kitchen...
Oh, you're always welcome here, Chef.
Actually, I've got some good news for you.
- Great. - So, I've been asked...
Oh, hang on.
- Can I call you back? - Oh... yeah.
Oh, I was just going to tell you that...
So, I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?
You will indeed.
First shift in a professional kitchen?
- Better not be late. - Never am, Chef.
(CHORTLES)
Hello, Preston?
Yeah, look, I know you guys have probably seen and heard everything,
and to be perfectly honest, I don't give a shit,
because I want to focus on my charity ventures.
OK. Because they did see and they really liked it.
Really?
Well, not all of it. Parts were odd.
But you and Diana, it's good chemistry.
McCartney and Lennon, you hate each other.
Something about it really works.
Listen, we've got serious network interest
for a show featuring the two of you.
I know it's not charity, but will you give it some thought?
Great. Thanks.
(LAUGHS) Anyway, and then Mum caught the rissole with her bare hand.
- What? - Like an athlete.
The weirdest thing I've ever seen.
It was one of the greatest moments of my life.
(LAUGHS)
Mmm.
Hey, who was on the phone earlier?
- No-one. - I know...
- I surprise myself. - OK.
Well, maybe it was all the weird...
Hey, I've got an idea.
Now that we're all here together,
there's no loaded guns,
and I'm not absolutely shwankered,
why don't you two get married?
Oh, yeah.
And I could give you away.
Oh, no!
Just a suggestion.
Yeah, I thought you guys wanted to do something
like a public declaration of love or some shit.
Actually, we do.
But our way.
(TURNS ON RADIO)
Bretty, what are you doing?
Hips don't lie, baby.
The hips don't lie.
(LAUGHS) Oh, God!
- Hip. - Brett!
Hip, hip, hip, hip!
Whoo!
(CHEERING)
Yes! Mum!
Oh, my God.
Mum is like...
...quite a unique dancer.
I kind of love it.
Yes, Mum! Get it!
(LAUGHS)
Hey, I've been thinking... uh...
...if I was to make this TV show,
it just doesn't feel right to do it without you.
So...
...would you...
...would you be interested?
Oh, my God.
They want me too, don't they?
(LAUGHS)
Holy shit.
They asked for me. And now you need me.
That must suck for you, dude.
Holy shit.
Has to be so demoralising.
(LAUGHS)
Oh. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
Mmm.
So?
Sync and corrections by solfieri www.addic7ed.com