VRORY: [GASPS]
ACTORS: 3, 2, 1! 3, 2, 1!
3, 2, 1! 3, 2, 1!
2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1! 1, 1, 1, 1, 1!
MR. LOMBARDI: Yeah, alright! Great job, everybody!
STAGE MANAGER: Have a good show!
MR. LOMBARDI: Okay, so we're not doing a check-in tonight,
- so everybody get to places. - VRORY: What?
Mr. Lombardi, you always do check-ins to see if anyone has
any physical or emotional boundaries before the show.
MR. LOMBARDI: I know. Just the thing is,
check-ins have been getting a little long as of late,
so maybe we do them every other night.
Okay, great show.
TRYAN: Mr. Lombardi, with all due respect,
it won't help checking in tomorrow
if something's bothering me tonight.
STAGE MANAGER: This is your two-minute call.
FREED: He's right, Mr. Lombardi. I got this foot thing...
MR. LOMBARDI: Fine. Alright, we'll do a check-in,
but they need to be brief,
and on a need-to-know basis, and most importantly,
in relation to tonight's show, okay?
Freed, why don't you start us off?
FREED: Hi, everyone. My name is Freed.
MR. LOMBARDI: You don't have to say your name, okay?
- Just make it snappy. - FREED: Okay.
Hi, everyone. My name is Freed.
I am a theatre and dance major.
I have a foot injury, so nobody step on my foot
because I'm going out for Footloose.
It's going on tour, so stay off of my foot.
MR. LOMBARDI: Alright. Thank you, Freed.
Perfect, perfect.
Tryan? Next.
TRYAN: I'm not too bad. How are you doin'?
MR. LOMBARDI: Oh, I'm doing pretty... no, no!
N-no! Okay, Tryan, I get it.
You're the super cool, casual dude.
We don't have time for this, alright?
The show's about to start, so we've gotta keep it moving!
Do you have a check-in that's brief and relevant?
TRYAN: No, nothing comes to mind, but I'll let you know.
MR. LOMBARDI: No, do not let me know, alright?
Check-ins have already been going too long,
so do not check in with me after this check-in!
Got it? Good.
Next, Vrory.
VRORY: [SOBBING] My... dad... he...
MR. LOMBARDI: Okay, no! Alright?
I know that sounds really tough,
but it also sounds very long,
and we just don't have the time tonight,
so everyone get to places!
FREED: Mr. Lombardi, we all got to check in.
Let Vrory check in!
TRYAN: Yeah, come on, Lombardi baby, 1, 2, 3, Lombardi!
[HOOTING AND CHANTING]
MR. LOMBARDI: Alright, Vrory, please, tell us about your dad.
VRORY: Well... [SNIFFLES]
My dad... [SNIFFLES]
- He's in the audience tonight... - MR. LOMBARDI: Mm-hm?
VRORY: [EXHALES] And his name is Lin-Manuel Miranda...
MR. LOMBARDI: Whoa! Vrory...
Your dad wrote "Hamilton"?
VRORY: Uh-huh.
TRYAN: Oh, no! Why would you do that?!
None of our songs even rhyme!
FREED: We'll never meet his Tony-Award-winning standard!
[ALL WAILING]
STAGE MANAGER: And it's show time!
ALL: Oh my God!
[HYSTERICAL WAILING]
MR. LOMBARDI: That's it, no more check-ins!
♪ Hey-yo, hey-yo, hey-yo... ♪
♪ Hey-yo... ♪
♪ Hey-yo! ♪
- [TENSE MILITARY MUSIC] - [DISTANT SIRENS]
MAN PANDA: [CHUCKLES] They laughed at Man Panda.
Ha-ha!
DIAMOND FIST: You bamboo-eating bastard.
Albert, are you seeing this?
ALBERT: I do, Master Fist.
It appears Man Panda is back on the streets,
just as you predicted!
- MAN PANDA: Let's see it. - [EVIL LAUGH]
DIAMOND FIST: He's got an OVB.
ALBERT: An OVB, sir?
DIAMOND FIST: An oxygen-vaporizing bomb.
He's gonna suffocate the entire city.
ALBERT: Good heavens.
We must act fast!
DIAMOND FIST: Albert, if we can use the computer
to turn off the power to the city,
we can turn off the power to that bomb.
ALBERT: I shall do my best, sir.
DIAMOND FIST: Lights out, Man Panda.
[TENSE MUSIC STOPS]
- DIAMOND FIST: Albert? - ALBERT: Okay.
DIAMOND FIST: Albert, what's going on over there?
[COMPUTER BEEPS RAPIDLY]
ALBERT: It appears I don't know what I'm doing.
Perhaps trusting an 84-year-old to be your computer technician
was not the wisest decision.
DIAMOND FIST: No, no, Albert, age is just a number.
ALBERT: I can't even set my clock radio!
DIAMOND FIST: You're the only one I trust.
ALBERT: What about my grandson, Derek?
He helps me when I forget my email or Netflix.
DIAMOND FIST: Albert, it's easy,
just start off by entering the mainframe.
ALBERT: [HUMMING]
DIAMOND FIST: Why are you humming?
ALBERT: I hum when I'm stressed, sir.
DIAMOND FIST: Huh?
ALBERT: There's four arrows. I'll push all of them at once.
ALBERT: How about now, sir?
DIAMOND FIST: Albert, what the hell's going on over there?
ALBERT: Did that do anything, sir?
- DIAMOND FIST: Uh, no. - [COMPUTER BEEPS]
ALBERT: [GASPS] I think I've done it, sir!
A nice Nigerian fellow has sent an email.
Maybe he can help with the power supply.
All we have to do is give him your credit card information.
8, 7, 1...
DIAMOND FIST: No, Albert, no, stop, stop, stop, stop.
ALBERT: Huh?
MAN PANDA: Concrete jungle?
They don't deserve to use the word "jungle."
SPARROW: Ca-caw!
- ALBERT: Sparrow! - SPARROW: Ca-caw!
We stopping Man Panda or what?
ALBERT: Master Sparrow! Perhaps he'd be best suited
for this, considering he's a computer-savvy Gen Z'er.
SPARROW: Okay, Albert, can you hear me?
ALBERT: Yes. [SOBS]
SPARROW: You're gonna want to press "Control"...
ALBERT: Master Sparrow, can you hear me?
SPARROW: I can hear you, Albert!
ALBERT: Please, I'm terrified of technology!
SPARROW: Albert, please be quiet.
ALBERT: I'm afraid if I push the wrong button,
everything will break!
DIAMOND FIST: Stop! Okay, stop, both of you, stop!
Stop, stop, stop.
Okay, Albert, I know you're having a tough time,
but the gig comes with room and board,
so if you can't do it, you'll have to go back to commuting.
ALBERT: No!
The manor is miles away from a bus stop!
I'll take a course at George Brown!
- I'll let them re-train me! - [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
SPARROW: Oh, man, he's desperate.
[COUNTDOWN CLOCK BEEPS]
ALBERT: I'm a computer man!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
PANDA MAN: [MANIACAL LAUGH]
- [MUSIC STOPS] - [MACHINE TURNS OFF]
MAN PANDA: What happened?
What happened?!
DIAMOND FIST: Albert! You did it!
ALBERT: I did?
COMMISSIONER: Diamond Fist, do you copy?
DIAMOND FIST: Commissioner, yeah, I'm here.
Did you turn off the power to the bomb?
COMMISSIONER: Heh, that was us.
We just received Albert's letter in the mail
and followed his instructions.
It's impressive.
It's also in cursive.
Never discount a very, very old man.
ALBERT: Oh, yes, I sent that letter nearly a week ago.
I nearly forgot.
DIAMOND FIST: Albert, you did it.
You truly are a computer guy.
SPARROW: We should probably get, like, Albert
an edible arrangement.
ALBERT: An edible arrangement?
DIAMOND FIST: Come on, Sparrow.
Let's give Man Panda a surprise fisting.
SPARROW: Let's do it, Diamond Fist!
ALBERT: Oh my gosh, the traffic is horrible!
WENDY: I thought they only had crown moulding in Europe!
JERRY: [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, they got it here in London, Ontario, too.
WENDY: Beautiful!
JERRY: So, supper's almost ready.
Welcome to my humble abode.
WENDY: Yeah, get a load of this abode!
I can't believe we've been seeing each other for a month
and I've never been to your place.
JERRY: Want a Juggs IPA?
WENDY: Yes, please!
Thank you.
JERRY: And I am gonna have a strawberry lemonade fizz gin
because... I'm a secure man.
WENDY: And I like a secure man.
- [CELL PHONE DINGS] - WENDY: Mm, sorry!
Oh, cool!
My friend Shif has invited us to her cottage next month.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC] - JERRY: Hmm!
WENDY: Do you wanna go?
JERRY: Um, a vacation, like a month ahead?
[VOICE ECHOES IN HIS HEAD]
WENDY: I'm not freaking you out, am I?
I know we're keeping this casual.
- JERRY: Totally. - WENDY: Casual works for me.
JERRY: Mm-hm.
WENDY: But if you wanted to come, it's a weekend,
not an engagement ring.
JERRY: [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY] An engagement ring?!
- WENDY: [LAUGHS] - JERRY: Um... [SWALLOWS]
Yeah, totally. Totally.
- WENDY: Yeah? - JERRY: Uh, yeah.
Uh, yeah, I'll come. That... that sounds fun.
WENDY: Awesome. I'll tell Shif.
JERRY: Okay, cool.
WENDY: Can you point me to the bathroom?
- JERRY: Yeah, yeah, it's just... - WENDY: Down there?
- JERRY: On your left. - WENDY: I'll be back.
JERRY: Mm-mm...
Okay, Code Red, Code Red.
This casual thing is getting serious.
[ALARMS SOUNDING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
JERRY: "Break in case of commitment"...
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
ELI: Get in! Here's your new identity.
Your name is Hans now.
You grew up in Hamburg and you like woodworking.
JERRY: [EXHALES] That was a close one!
Almost got sucked into a loving relationship.
- ELI: What happened? - JERRY: Cottage weekend with her friends.
ELI: With her friends?!
Good thing you acted fast. You could have died, man!
- ELI: Get in! - JERRY: [GRUNTS]
- [DOOR SLAMS] - [TIRES SQUEAL]
- [ALARMS CONTINUE] - [CELL PHONE RINGS]
WENDY: Hey, Shif?
The cottage thing totally worked.
♪ I'm from the West End... ♪
♪ What you sayin'? ♪
- CECILY: Well, this is fun! - LAMBERT: Yeah!
Mom, can we get a pet?
CECILY: Oh, here we go...
LAMBERT: Can we get a dog?
I promise I'll take care of him. Pleeease!
CECILY: Well, honey, dogs are a lot of work.
LAMBERT: How about a cat?
- CECILY: Oh, I don't like cats. - LAMBERT: Okay.
- How about a chicken? - [CHICKEN CLUCKING]
CECILY: Uh, chickens are kinda noisy.
- LAMBERT: Hmm... - CECILY: What about this guy?
[GASPS] Look, he's so fluffy!
HAMSTER: Hey! Hey, what's up?
CECILY: Don't you want a hamster?
LAMBERT: Maybe.
I don't know.
Do... hamsters make good pets?
CECILY: Well, I think so. They should.
LAMBERT: It... kind of feels like a compromise.
It's not quite a cat or a dog.
You know?
[SCRATCHING AND SQUEAKING]
HAMSTER: ♪ I hear your point and it's true. ♪
♪ But maybe a hamster is the pet for you. ♪
♪ Cats and dogs take so much work, ♪
♪ And I'm barely... noticeable. ♪
♪ I have a wheel, helps me stay fit. ♪
♪ And all the wood chips I need for my shits. ♪
♪ Yet I wish I was somewhere. ♪
♪ Somewhere I was wanted! ♪
♪ 'Cause I wanna be your priority. ♪
♪ I wanna be the pet you've wanted. ♪
♪ Live in a home where I'm... ♪
Huh.
♪ Loved. ♪
HAMSTERS: [TOGETHER] ♪ A home where they dance ♪
♪ And give us a chance. ♪
♪ I'm like a turtle, I'm low maintenance. ♪
♪ That would be nice, 'cause we're the same price. ♪
♪ So give us a whirl! ♪
HAMSTER: ♪ I've seen people get far worse pets for their kids. ♪
HAMSTER: ♪ Pay for a cat that hates them. ♪
HAMSTER: ♪ Look at this face. ♪
♪ Oh, please embrace. ♪
♪ I come with an upturned can of water! ♪
HAMSTER: ♪ Loyal and eager like a golden retriever... ♪
HAMSTERS: [TOGETHER] ♪ ...To be your hamster! ♪
♪ In a cage. ♪
♪ Trust me, we're the rage. ♪
♪ Kids are exactly our demographic. ♪
HAMSTER: ♪ 'Cause you cling to your mom ♪
♪ And you look like an introvert. ♪
♪ When will I find ♪
♪ A home that is mine? ♪
♪ A place to rest my behind?
♪ Somewhere out there, ♪
♪ Someone will want a pet like meee! ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
CECILY: Well, Lambert, what do you think?
LAMBERT: You know what?
I think I do need a hamster.
CECILY: Yeah!
LAMBERT: We're home!
I brought you a new friend.
[SNAKE HISSES]
- HAMSTER: Hi there. - [SCREAMING]
LAMBERT: Oh, look, you two are already friends!
♪ Damn, gimme fireworks so I can admire ♪
♪ Up in the sky, up in the sky ♪
RJ: What's up, y'all? RJ here.
I'm 24, I live in Toronto, and I just bought my own house.
How'd I do it? It's called meal prepping.
Let me show you what it's all about.
♪ Follow me! ♪
♪ I'll follow you! ♪
RJ: So first, I start off by preparing
a large quantity of food.
I've got tofu, broccoli,
and a healthy carb like brown rice.
This saves me $10 a day.
Over a year, that's $2,000,
just from lunch!
Then I invest that money in...
heroin,
which I hide beneath the brown rice.
But this heroin isn't gonna sell itself,
so I need to contact Jason Tran's Crime Syndicate.
Link in the description!
Jason's a good guy, but his cut is large.
If I want to buy a house, I've gotta take meal prepping
to the next level... which means taking over his gang.
And there's only one way to do that.
The knife I'm using is a Diega Classic by Jula.
Discount code in the description!
{an8}- [SLICING] - JASON: [YELLING IN PAIN]
{an8}- [SLICING] - [BLOOD DRIPPING]
{an8}[GROWLS]
RJ: Cleaning supplies can be expensive.
That's why I make my own, using apple cider vinegar.
[SNIFFS] I love the scent!
Just add bleach to dissolve DNA.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
RJ: [CHUCKLES]
RJ: I absorbed Jason's gang,
and now control the entire heroin flow of Southern Ontario.
I put half the money in a Swiss bank account,
and with the other half, I buy a house.
Follow me for more #TorontoLivingTips.
♪ Follow me!♪
♪ I'll follow you!♪
♪ You were made for, made for... ♪
♪ You were made for... ♪
♪ Time to celebrate! ♪
VANCE: Hey, got us a cheese plate.
GULED: Shh!
VANCE: What?
GULED: Just look.
I think Liam and Christopher
are finally gonna hang out together...
[WHISPERING] ...after work!
CHRISTOPHER: Uh...
Well, boy, am I... am I thirsty.
LIAM: Oh, yeah. You said it!
- [BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY] - LIAM: I am parched.
CHRISTOPHER: I could definitely go for...
a brewski right about now.
LIAM: Oh! [LAUGHS] You said it!
An ice-cold brewski?
On tap? What beats that?
[LAUGHS]
CHRISTOPHER: That sounds delicious...
especially with a buddy.
LIAM: Oh! [LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.
VANCE: Okay, why don't they just hang out with each other?
They're clearly made for each other.
GULED: It's not that easy for some people.
What we're watching is a very intricate and beautiful dance.
LIAM: So, you've probably got loads of plans tonight.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah! I got so many, uh, plans.
I got... I have, like, ten... ten parties.
LIAM: Ten? Yeah.
- CHRISTOPHER: Ten parties. - LIAM: Wow.
CHRISTOPHER: But, uh, if someone enticed me
with an... invite, um,
to have some brewskis, uh...
- I'd happily cancel... - LIAM: Oh, me too!
Parties, I have lots of parties too, to go to.
But yeah, I mean, pssh!
You can only party so much, am I right?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
LIAM: Like, sometimes you need to relax.
- VANCE: They both agree on that. - GULED: Yeah...
- CHRISTOPHER: So... - LIAM: Yeah?
GULED: Oh!
CHRISTOPHER: I think I-I will cancel on those parties.
VANCE: Come on!
CHRISTOPHER: They're gonna be mad, but I gotta think about me.
LIAM: Nah.
Yeah, it's totally the right thing to do.
I mean, like, sometimes.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, I might just go get a brewski and...
and if a buddy shows up at the bar, heh...
Bam! We're in business!
- LIAM: Oh! - [BOTH LAUGH]
LIAM: Don't say that, man!
You're making me want to cancel all the parties I have to go to,
you son of a gun!
VANCE: God! Okay, what...
I just... [CLEARS THROAT] Sorry.
I just want to yell at them.
GULED: You can't.
You have to let them get there on their own.
LIAM & CHRISTOPHER: ♪ When there are two guys and one brewski, ♪
♪ What are you gonna do? ♪
GULED: When did they make a song?!
VANCE: I don't know...
VANCE & GULED: [CHANTING] Do it, do it, do it...
LIAM & CHRISTOPHER: Get brewskis!
LIAM: I know that was a song,
but do you really actually wanna do that?
CHRISTOPHER: Well... Yeah, let's do it!
- LIAM: Oh, nice! - CHRISTOPHER: Yeah!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
CHRISTOPHER: Should we invite those lonely guys over there?
LIAM: Nah, they look like they have a hard time making friends.
You know, they just make judgemental comments
about people from afar.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, yeah.
BOTH: [CHANTING] Brewskis, brewskis, brewskis, brewskis!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
VICTOR: Yo, that was crazy
when you came back to life, though, dawg.
FRED: Yo, yeah.
- GEOVANNI: Straight up Jesus shit, bro. - FRED: Yeah.
Yo, so what was the afterlife like, dawg?
TEE: Hey, yo, it was frugged, though, right?
So Juice WRLD was there and...
MS. AMBERSON: Quiet down, class.
Enough of your conversations.
FRED: But Miss, Tee was just about to tell us
about being resurrected!
TEE: It's a fire story, Ms. A!
MS. AMBERSON: Okay, well, save it for after class.
ALL: Pssh!
MS. AMBERSON: Today we're gonna be watching
your end-of-year projects.
I've asked all of you to create a short film
that reflects your high school experience.
Now, I... I know that you've all worked really hard
on this and, um... I just want to...
GEOVANNI: Yo, the teacher's about to cry, fam!
[ALL LAUGH]
MS. AMBERSON: No! No, I'm not.
Let's just watch your movies.
- Ahem! - [CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS IN VIDEO]
VICTOR: Yo, this one's mine.
TEE: Yo, is this guy playing with Play-Do?
VICTOR: No! Shut up, fam!
My life's not the joke!
- [CHEESY MUSIC CONTINUES] - [STUDENTS GIGGLING]
MS. AMBERSON: Oh, short but sweet.
FRED: Yo, that took you like six months to make
and it's three seconds long, dawg.
VICTOR: Yo, dawg, animation's hard!
"Chicken Run" took like ten months to make or whatever.
MS. AMBERSON: Alright, moving on.
TEE: So, how was your high school experience?
FRED: It was good, fam.
- How 'bout you? - TEE: Yeah, same.
Alright.
[STUDENTS CHUCKLING]
FRED: Yo, that was nice acting, yo.
TEE: Yeah, bro.
VICTOR: Yo, yours was like three seconds too.
FRED: Yo, wait for the bloopers!
TEE: Yo, maybe we shouldn't be filming this.
- FRED: Yo, cut the camera, dawg. - TEE: Yo!
TEE: Like, where does God get his weed from, eh?
FRED: Yo...
- [SCREAMING] - [STUDENTS LAUGHING]
FRED: I asked for a Chucky doll
but they gave me a John C. Reilly doll.
[IMPERSONATING JOHN C. REILLY]
"Hey, yeah, I was in Step Brothers," yeah!
GEOVANNI: How long are these bloopers, dawg?
TEE: Shh, shh! It's another ten minutes, man.
FRED: Don't worry, there's so much more.
There's so much more!
- [MAKING LIGHTSABER SOUNDS] - FRED: Oh, what the...!
FRED: Yo, bro, man just cut off my hand!
FRED: Yo, that was a bad idea, fam.
- TEE: Yeah, bro... - [LAUGHTER]
GEOVANNI: Bro, that's not hygienic at all, bro.
TEE: We washed our hands, bro.
FRED: Alright, yo,
we're gonna take the baby to take a dump, yo.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
- BOTH: Yo, yo... - [RAP MUSIC PLAYS]
BOTH: Yo... yo...
- FRED & TEE: Yo, yo... - [LAUGHING]
[AWKWARD SILENCE]
- FRED: Yo, it was a stupid project anyways! - TEE: Yeah!
MS. AMBERSON: And next up we have Geovanni's video.
- [MUSIC STARTS] - GEOVANNI: Oh, shoot!
TEE: Yo, what are you doing, fam?
Why'd you pause it?
GEOVANNI: Uh...
We don't have to watch mine.
FRED: Nah, dawg, if we had to do it,
you have to do it too, dawg.
VICTOR: Yeah, no one cares if your project's frugged, bro.
It's just a school.
GEOVANNI: [SIGHS]
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYS]
GEOVANNI [VO]: I'm gonna miss high school.
These might be the last moments we all spend together,
and that breaks my heart, though.
VICTOR: Yo, I'm going to Carleton.
I'm gonna study for journalism.
GEOVANNI [VO]: I think Victor will make
a fire journalist one day.
And maybe in the future, our paths will cross again,
and I can tell him how much he's always meant to me.
FRED: Yo, I'm gonna go work with my dad
at the auto repair shop, dawg.
GEOVANNI [VO]: There's a sparkle in Fred's eyes
when he talks about cars.
That inspires me, though.
TEE: I'm gonna study economics, yo.
I can't wait to be an ecologist.
GEOVANNI [VO]: I don't think Tee has it figured out yet.
But when he does, watch out, world.
If I could make this moment last forever, I would.
This is my most cherished memory...
But it's time to move on.
Bye, high school.
VICTOR: Yo, dawg, that's, like...
actually beautiful, though.
TEE: Yo, you might be like the next
M. Night Shyamalan, bro.
FRED: Dead ass... I think you found your calling.
MS. AMBERSON: [EMOTIONALLY] Mm-hm!
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
GEOVANNI: And that's how I became
an Academy-Award-winning filmmaker
and President of the NFB. Questions?
BECCA: Yo, did Tee really come back to life, though?
GEOVANNI: Ha! Yeah, straight up Jesus shit.
Doctors say he was dead for three days.
BECCA: Wow! GEOVANNI: Crazy, right?
♪ Count it up, money Count it up ♪
sync and corrections by solfieri www.addic7ed.com