GULED: What's up?
And welcome to "Try That TallBoyz."
FRANCO: The show where we try things for the first time,
and you watch!
VANCE: Last week, we tried Peruvian desserts
and they were pretty good.
TIM: This week, we're doing something
a little bit different.
The TallBoyz are gonna try, for the very first time ever...
- Drum roll, please... - [DRUMMING]
TIM: White privilege!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
FRANCO: I've been hearing about white privilege my entire life.
I wonder if it lives up to the hype.
TIM: Well, let's see what our producers have in store.
FRANCO: Are these cheap novelty souvenirs
with our ethnic names on them?
GULED: Is this what it's like to be seen as normal?
FRANCO: I don't know what these emotions are right now.
Feeling seen?
Belonging-ness?
VANCE: So far, this white privilege stuff is pretty good.
TIM: Whoa, craft beer.
A Tragically Hip CD?
FRANCO: A deed to a cottage that's been in your family
for generations that you'll inherit one day!
VANCE: These fifth-gen squatters really got a lock
on that unceded territory.
GULED: What else we got?
PRODUCER THEA: Something extremely special...
A duffel bag filled with cocaine.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
GULED: Oh my god, we have to get rid of this!
VANCE: They're never gonna believe it's not ours!
PRODUCER THEA: No, no, no, don't worry!
This is the protect and serve gift bag.
It's a pillar of white privilege.
The criminal justice system sees you as human
rather than a violent other.
Check out the other goodies!
TIM: Whoa, they even got Karen glasses!
Hello, 911? Uh, they're having a barbecue!
[ALL LAUGH]
VANCE: Oh, a key to the city.
[GASPS]
And an assault rifle!
CONSTABLE KIM: Hey, freeze!
VANCE: Oh, shit!
- TIM: It's not ours, we swear! - VANCE: Please don't shoot!
CONSTABLE KIM: I just want to thank you for being a hero.
Also, I forgot to put this gun in your gift bag.
GULED: What?!
PRODUCER THEA: Don't worry, that is just all part
of this white privilege stuff.
FRANCO: Why would you do that?
- VANCE: We could have died. - FRANCO: Yeah!
PRODUCER THEA: I hear you, and we will address that right away.
FRANCO: Wait a minute, we're... angry.
GULED: And... yelling...
VANCE: At a white person.
TIM: And we're not seen as difficult?
PRODUCER THEA: Welcome to white privilege, guys.
[LAUGHTER]
TIM: Yo, white privilege is the best!
THE BOYZ: Yeah!
- [GUN GOES OFF] - VANCE: Oh!
- [GASPS] - VANCE: Sorry.
♪ Hey-yo, hey-yo, hey-yo... ♪
♪ Hey-yo... ♪
♪ Hey-yo! ♪
[TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC]
JULIANO: Here's the rat, boss.
LUCA: Thank you, Juliano.
Do you know what a trust fall is?
It's where you fall backwards,
and you trust someone catches you.
That's what you're supposed to do for me, Hector.
I fell backwards...
but you didn't catch me.
You broke my heart, Hector,
and now it's my turn to watch you fall.
Take off his hood.
I wanna see his face one last time.
Who the hell is this?
MICHEL: It's Hector, boss!
LUCA: No, it's not. What's your name?
WARREN: Warren.
LUCA: You didn't even ask his name
before you put the hood over him?
JULIANO: No, why would we do that?
I mean he looks like a Hector, look at his face.
LUCA: I am... very sorry.
I clearly have two idiots working for me.
JULIANO: We did it this time.
Asked him his name and everything.
LUCA: Nope. What the hell?
JULIANO: Well, you said your name was Hector!
HECTOR: It is.
LUCA: You didn't even ask his last name?
LUCA: That's our janitor.
JULIANO: Oh!
That explains the bucket.
MICHEL: Yeah, that was the thing.
LUCA: That's an oldie baseball player!
LUCA: That's a pumpkin!
MICHEL: It's actually a jack-o-lantern.
We could light the candle, it might look different!
LUCA: Nope!
Use this photo.
Get the man in this photo!
MICHEL: Man in the photograph.
Say no more, boss!
MICHEL: Ah!
LUCA: It's me.
You kidnapped me!
JULIANO: But you said get the guy in the photo.
LUCA: I meant the other guy!
MICHEL: Yeah, but you didn't specify.
LUCA: [DEEP, ANGRY BREATHING]
LUCA: That's a bowl of oatmeal!
[MAKES BUZZER SOUND]
JULIANO: What if it's one of those situations
where we've been looking for Hector
but it turns out...
we've been Hector this whole time?
MICHEL: You got us.
LUCA: I don't even know what to say to that.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
LUCA: Oh my god. Hector!
HECTOR: Yeah, the streets were talking.
You were looking for me?
MICHEL: We found him, boss, the guy from the picture!
LUCA: Thanks for helping me take care of these two guys.
HECTOR: Oh, no problem, boss.
Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about earlier?
LUCA: Oh, I wanted to get your opinion
- on this open grave over here. - HECTOR: Oh, okay.
Hey, it's just my size!
♪ I'm one of a billion, payin' the bills man. ♪
♪ Bills fan, live in a building. ♪
♪ Only drama's on my children. ♪
[LAUGHTER]
CARL JR: Oh, hey, I forgot to mention,
my mom's gonna be in town this weekend.
I know she's been here a lot, but...
BRITTA: Oh, no, babe, she's your mom, it's okay!
CARL JR: Oh, you're so understanding!
How'd I get so lucky to find someone like you?
CARL JR: Come to think of it,
we've never been in a fight, have we?
BRITTA: Hmm, no, we haven't.
CARL JR: I can't wait for our first fight!
BRITTA: Aww, me too!
I mean, who do you think's gonna start it?
CARL JR: Who knows?
Being in a fight with you is already enough.
BRITTA: Oh, maybe it'll be a big one with like
screaming and tears and everything.
CARL JR: Wait... is this a fight right now?
BRITTA: Well, no, we're agreeing on everything.
CARL JR: [SIGHS]
Of course we are! [BOTH LAUGH]
CARL JR: It's just...
I've actually never been in a fight with a partner before.
- BRITTA: Oh! - CARL JR: I'm excited, is all.
BRITTA: So I'm gonna be your first?
Aww, that's so sweet!
CARL JR: Can you show me what it's like?
BRITTA: Are you sure?
- Fights can get messy. - CARL JR: Oh, I'm sure.
I've been waiting for this day my whole life.
I'm ready for anything!
BRITTA: [LAUGHS]
- Oh, yeah? - [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
CARL JR: We're starting already?
- This is intense. - BRITTA: Yeah!
And then I'd probably, I don't know,
like wave my finger in your face a little bit.
CARL JR: Oh, boy! BRITTA: Yeah!
BRITTA: And bring up something that happened a month ago
that'll, like, totally throw you off-kilter.
CARL JR: Okay, okay!
Then I'd probably...
take my smoothie and throw it to the ground!
BRITTA: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Let's get there naturally.
We're still in the loud talking phase.
CARL JR: Then I guess I'd probably...
- I don't know... - [SNAPS FINGERS]
Take something you said too personally
and say something hurtful in response.
BRITTA: Oh, that's perfect!
And then I'd be like, "Oh! Uh-huh?
"So you're gonna go there?
"Finally showing your true colours, huh?"
And then I'd probably stare you down,
and you'd think that I'm calm, but really I'm just cataloguing
everything that's happening so I can bring it up later on.
CARL JR: That's great.
I'd probably be oblivious to all of that!
BRITTA: And I'll be able to tell and it'll probably make me
want to throw this water in your face!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
- BRITTA: Could you imagine? - CARL JR: Yeah, I know!
CARL JR: [GASPS]
Oh...
You... really did that.
She just got to another level.
BRITTA: Welcome to the deep cut zone.
I mean, first of all, you dress like a child!
CARL JR: Alright, getting personal!
BRITTA: [LAUGHS] Yeah, but I'm not done.
I mean, what's with the breathing?
I mean, you breathe so loud!
- You know, it's like... -[SCREECHING NOISES].
CARL JR: Hey, I don't think I breathe that loud...
BRITTA: I mean, is your hair, like, afraid of your face?
I mean, that forehead is just so expansive.
And your toes, I mean, they are musty as...
CARL JR: You're just like your mother!
What happened?
BRITTA: Someone said something that can't be taken back.
CARL JR: Make-up sex!
FRANCO: What up, surprise snack plate!
GULED: What? Wow!
VANCE: Ooh, so fancy!
Thanks, Franco.
FRANCO: [WHISPERING] Ugh, you guys are so messy.
VANCE: Oh, man, pickles rule.
You know, this was once a lame cucumber.
Now it's delicious.
GULED: Mm-hm.
[BOTTLE FALLS ON FLOOR]
GULED: Ugh, one of us should help with that.
VANCE: Which one?
VANCE: Gah! I'm so bad at that.
GULED: You always do scissors, man.
VANCE: This is easy, just...
FRANCO: No, no, no, I'm good! Don't look in there!
Stop! No, no, no... wait!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
VANCE: What is this?
Generic brand?
FRANCO: No, that's... what?
VANCE: We're a Greg's Pickle household!
Greg's Pickle was my dad's pickle.
It was my grandad's brand of pickle.
- GULED: It's just a snack. - VANCE: Just a snack?
There's not even a picture on the label!
What is this, the Soviet Union?
FRANCO: They're identical, okay?
Look at this. Mmm, smells just like Greg's!
VANCE: Franco betrayed our values.
He set me up to think that we had Greg's.
FRANCO: You weren't there, man.
We were gonna go over budget!
Greg's Pickles ain't cheap.
I did what I had to do for our family.
GULED: I consider us friendtuplets.
FRANCO: And you just said how good that pickle was, just now!
GULED: Oh, that's true!
VANCE: No, no, I thought it was weird.
I didn't say anything right away because I didn't want to
insult your snack plate.
[LOUD CRUNCH]
VANCE: Ugh! Oh, this is garbage!
FRANCO: So you think that pickle is terrible?
VANCE: Yes.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
FRANCO: Well, that's a Greg's Pickle!
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
VANCE: What...? A double setup?!
FRANCO: Yeah, you just called
your grandad's pickle garbage food!
VANCE: What?
FRANCO: I knew you would claim to hate generic,
so me and Guled set you up to take out the recycling bin
so you'd think it was a setup so you'd double down.
VANCE: What?
How?
GULED: You always pick scissors.
I was so tired of this getting between us all.
We needed a blind taste test, but you'd never agree to it.
VANCE: How did you afford Greg's Pickles
if you were going over budget?
FRANCO: I used our last PC Points
to make the ultimate PC point.
VANCE: Political correctness?
FRANCO: No. Pickle choice!
VANCE: [SIGHS] My reality's collapsing!
I don't know what to think.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
VANCE: Or so it would seem...
if this weren't a triple setup!
Timothy, reveal!
TIM: A-ha!
FRANCO: What is happening?
GULED: How long were you in there?!
TIM: Oh, I like to hang in that cupboard on the regular.
It's small, tiny, enclosed.
Reminds me of being in the womb,
and I was in there when you two
hatched your little pickle scheme.
You all know where I stand on Greg's.
- It's one of our few luxuries! - VANCE: Exactly!
TIM: So me and Vance came up with a plan
to foil your pickle scheme while you weren't looking.
VANCE: Tim switched the labels.
I'm a Greg's Pickle man through and through.
FRANCO: My god.
We were so...
close...
VANCE & TIM: ♪ Greg's Pickles, the crunchy best! ♪
GULED: Quick, sing the generic pickle song!
FRANCO: They don't do marketing.
That's how they save on overhead!
VANCE & TIM: ♪ Totally different from the rest! ♪
[BOTH LAUGH]
[APPLAUSE]
ARNOLD: Hello, everyone.
Today we've accomplished something wonderful.
The Galactic Seeker, our intergalactic greeting card,
has been thrown into the cosmos
to one day be discovered by other life forms.
[APPLAUSE]
ARNOLD: On the shuttle is a golden record
containing a map of the cosmos
and our place within it.
The record also holds five hours of audio,
from Beethoven's Fifth,
to the sound of wild dogs.
I've also included a passion project of mine,
my personally recorded track,
"It's a Ball Called Earth."
Yes, Greg?
GREG: What exactly is "It's a Ball Called Earth"?
ARNOLD: What a profound and important question.
Why don't I show you?
[HIP HOP TRACK PLAYING]
ARNOLD: [RAPPING] ♪ Greetings, alien homies! ♪
♪ How do you do? ♪
♪ I'm here as a friend to explain Earth to you. ♪
♪ You probably got questions, but hold that thought. ♪
♪ Please let me introduce you to our pale blue dot. ♪
♪ We launched out the spaceship as a way to say, "What's up?" ♪
♪ And if you ever declare war we're gonna mess you up! ♪
♪ I got my ladies and I got my weed. ♪
♪ All I need now is a beat at light speed. ♪
♪ Representing the west side of the galaxy, ♪
♪ we've got the power of the sun so don't play with me. ♪
♪ Y'all know we the toughest in the Milky Way! ♪
♪ My rhymes gonna fry you like a Gamma Ray! ♪
- [PERSON SCREAMING] - ARNOLD: Yeah, bitch!
GREG: Uh, why would you make something like that?
ARNOLD: As a theoretical physicist,
gangster rap is an outlet for me to express my existential rage.
We're just a speck in the ocean of the cosmos...
and that makes me furious.
[SNOOP DOGG STYLE BEAT CONTINUES]
ARNOLD: ♪ I banged your wife, then went back for seconds. ♪
♪ Now I think about that ass when I look up to the heavens. ♪
♪ Welcome to the jungle, bitch, we be the lions. ♪
♪ Pray you don't catch a whoopin' ♪
♪ From my belt like Orion. ♪
♪ My dick's so big, it's a gravitational pull. ♪
♪ I use it every night when I'm in your mom's wormhole. ♪
[CROWD GASPS]
GREG: This could get us killed!
REPORTER: Did you have to make it so personal?
ARNOLD: Yes, I did. We have to show them we're hard.
We don't want to be the softest planet on the block.
REPORTER: Did you stop to consider how an alien species
might react to this?
ARNOLD: [LAUGHS]
I'll take my chances.
- [MIC THUDS DOWN] - [CROWD GASPS]
ARNOLD: ♪ You stepped to Planet Terra, ♪
♪ you lined up in the dirt. ♪
♪ That's what you get for messin' ♪
♪ with the ball called Earth.
ALIEN DAD: Hey! Turn that trash down.
[PLAYER SWITCHES TO DOGS BARKING]
ALIEN DAD: Hey...
That's what I call music!
- [MUMBLING] - [DOGS BARKING CONTINUES]
CAVILL: The death of one's father
is truly such a difficult time.
Now, our most popular coffin is $5,600.
FRASER: Ouch.
CAVILL: It has a poplar exterior,
a velvet interior...
FRASER: That's more than we can afford.
My dad's last hospital bill was pretty expensive.
CAVILL: Well, a salvaged wood option at $3,400
- is perfectly adequate. - JOLENE: Oh!
FRASER: Uh, that's also out of our price range.
CAVILL: We could bury him in denim for $400.
JOLENE: Oh, that's definitely in our price range.
FRASER: Dad hated jeans.
JOLENE: Yeah, but you know how he liked to re-use stuff.
FRASER: I know.
No, it's my dad.
I want to give him the best funeral possible,
but the price has to be right.
CAVILL: Well, there is another option...
if you're interested.
FRASER: Do tell.
[ORGAN MUSIC]
UNCLE GARE: They must have spent a fortune.
AUNT BETH: Actually, they didn't spend a dime.
Look, they sold ad space to cover the costs.
FRASER: And then we finished off the day with
an ice cream sandwich from Henson's Ice Cream.
A discount code can be found in the program.
As you know, my father left our family with very little money,
but you can avoid the same fate...
using Wingrove United life insurance.
[CRYING] Use promo code PATRICE
to get your first month for free!
Thank you.
FATHER TROY: Thank you, Fraser.
Patrice was a very kind soul
and we pray he's up there in heaven.
You know what I was thinking recently?
What's sweeter than God's love,
and what's creamier than mother's milk?
[ROCK MUSIC]
FATHER TROY: The refreshing taste of Juggs IPA.
FRASER: Dad loved the clean, crisp taste of Juggs IPA.
I'm so glad they're our official beverage!
FATHER TROY: All ads aside,
we are all going to end up here one day.
- [ROCK MUSIC] - FRASER: [CRYING]
FATHER TROY: Oh, we have our first Admiral Auto Repair
breakdown of the day!
- [AIR HORN BLOWS] - [LIGHT COMMERCIAL MUSIC]
FATHER TROY: As the first one,
you receive a free spare tire courtesy of the Admiral himself.
Ensure you're in good hands by booking your next appointment
with Admiral Auto Repair.
UNCLE GARE: Remind me to get new tires!
FATHER TROY: Now before we lower the casket into the ground,
please put your hands together
for Juggs IPA spotlight artist J'onothon.
- FRASER: [GASPS] - [APPLAUSE]
J'ONOTHON: [PLAYING GUITAR] ♪ Amazing taste, ♪
♪ How crisp that beer. ♪
♪ Those hops and malt barley! ♪
♪ I once was parched, ♪
♪ But now I'm not. ♪
♪ Juggs IPA, ♪
♪ It helped me-e-e-e! ♪
RIP, y'all!
[ROCK MUSIC]
LOYAN: Oh... Three plates of nachos!
You still don't think I can do it!
Ha-ha, I'll show you.
They don't call me the Nacho King for no reason.
You might as well bring a fourth plate in.
- WAITER: Coming right up! - LOYAN: I'm almost there.
Last nacho! Oh, mm-hm!
Mm-hm!
- Let's order another plate of nach... - [RUMBLING SOUND]
Oh, oh! I feel cheese in my heart!
Ah, someone call 911! Ah...
[HEART MONITOR FLATLINES]
[GASPS]
Oh my god...
Where am I?
Excuse me, where are we?
GABE: Ah, you must be Loyan Tate.
LOYAN: Y-yes?
GABE: Well, welcome to Judgement Day.
Now, this isn't exactly heaven.
We are still in processing right now,
but heaven's just behind me.
Oh... don't look.
It is there, you just can't look at it.
LOYAN: Wait, how did I die?
GABE: Um, heart attack.
- LOYAN: Oh, that sucks. - GABE: Yeah.
Anyways, I'm just gonna do a quick assessment
and then you should be good to go.
Oh, you prayed a lot, donated a lot of money to charity.
LOYAN: Thanks.
GABE: Yeah, we'll just need to hear from your body, but you should be all good to go.
- LOYAN: My body? - GABE: Well, yeah.
You know, in Islam,
we want to know how you treated it while you were alive.
But if everything's above board,
then you should be good to go to heaven.
[WHOOSHING NOISE]
GABE: Now presiding over the trial of Loyan
versus Loyan's body.
DARIN: Your honour, I'd like to call to the stand Loyan's colon.
[WHOOSHING NOISE]
CLARIN: Now we play the game.
DARIN: In your own words,
can you please describe for the court
how Loyan treated you?
COLON: Like shit.
Pun intended.
I know that's my job, but he never gave me the nutrients
or the water that I needed.
DARIN: Now are you able to describe what this is?
COLON: The worst day of my life.
He followed that up with a family-sized bag of chips.
LOYAN: It was a great value!
DARIN: Let the record show that this is 3,000 calories
- of pure shawarma. - CLARIN: Objection, your honour.
The colon's opinion is tainted...
Pun not intended!
I have written testimony from the eyes and mouth
that that shawarma poutine was, in fact, delicious.
GABE: I'll have a look at that in a moment.
LIVER: I'm a liver! I just want to live!
And sometimes when he'd wake up in the morning,
he'd shotgun a beer immediately.
Like, why?
LOYAN: Because it's fun!
CLARIN: You gotta stop talking.
DARIN: Please identify yourself for the court.
BUTT: I-I'm Loyan's butt.
[TEARFULLY] Beer shouldn't go in the butt.
Beer shouldn't go in the butt!
LOYAN: I was trying to give the liver a break!
BUTT: And he would only buy one-ply toilet paper.
One ply?!
Why?
GABE: Defence, your closing argument.
CLARIN: Watch and learn.
[KNOCKS ON TABLE]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
CLARIN: [SOUTHERN ACCENT] Could my client have done
a better job? Yes.
Should he have butt-chugged a beer?
No!
Should he had butt-chugged a second beer?
Also no.
Could he have treated his body better?
Yes.
But look at his face!
Ain't it cute?
And isn't the face a part of the body?
Y'all think about that.
GABE: Well, Loyan clearly has his faults,
but I feel like he tried to take care of his body
as best he could.
So, with that in mind,
I think he should be allowed into heaven.
LOYAN: Oh!
VOICE: I've got something to say.
[CROWD GASPS]
LOYAN: Gah, you're always sticking your head
- where it doesn't belong. - PENIS: Yeah, yeah, I know.
I'm sorry, but hey,
listen, remember all the fun times we had, huh?
Remember that magazine we found?
- LOYAN: Oh, yeah! - PENIS: Hey, come on. [LAUGHS]
Things are really getting hot, though, huh?
sync and corrections by solfieri www.addic7ed.com