Knowing me, knowing Yule, a-ha
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing Yule
A-ha. What is Christmas?
It's a little robin redbreast petrified by the wind.
It's an orphan in a blanket being helped into a shed.
It's a snowman whose nose carrot has been stolen and eaten by a gypsy thief.
But more than that, it's me, Stanley,
three stunning hostesses, some Santa-chat and quality poultry...
i.e. ''Knowing Me, Knowing Yule With Alan Partridge''.
I bid ye good tidings. Now!
(THEME MUSIC, CHRISTMAS-STYLE)
A-ho-ho-ho!
(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
Don't worry. That stuff you saw me brushing off earlier wasn't dandruff.
It was just fake snow. It's just a polyurethane composite.
The type of thing they used in ''Doctor Zhivago''.
Welcome to ''Knowing Me, Knowing Yule With Alan Partridge''.
No need to shop around for festive entertainment.
Put your feet up and peruse my chatalogue.
(DRUMBEAT)
- And I mean that chatagorically. - (DRUMBEAT)
Tonight's show is coming live from BBC Television Centre,
where we've built an exact replica of the interior of my house.
(AUDIENCE) Whoo!
Don't take that as a green light to go to Norwich and burgle my actual house,
as happened during my television series six times,
because sitting at my home are two men from Securicor, Mike and Ted,
with their two Alsatians, Tin-Tin and Pickles.
So, if anyone's thinking of burgling me, then don't bother.
No, in fact, do. Have a go.
Because, quite frankly, you'll be picking up your teeth with a broken arm.
Just think about that before you trespass on my property...
because you people are scum.
Let's meet the bell-ringers of Norwich Cathedral!
(BELLS RING)
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, bell-ringers of Norwich Cathedral.
- A-ha. - (ALL) A-ha.
Christmas - a busy time for bell-ringers?
Yeah, it is, but it's lovely to celebrate through bell-ringing
the birth of Jesus Christ our saviour.
Fair enough. It's nice to have you on the show.
- Thanks. It's nice... - Great.
- Sorry. - No, carry on.
It's nice to be on a TV show that's not about swearing and child pornography.
Look... Have you seen ''Noel's House Party''?
- Yes. - It's that kind of show. Keep it light.
- Have you had a mince pie? - No.
- Have a mince pie. - I just...
Have a mince pie.
Next... Next...
- All I was saying... - Mince pies.
Later on, Mick Hucknall from Simply Red will be singing ''Ding-Dong Merrily On High''.
Mick will be backed on a Korg synthesiser by my musical man
with fingers like a centipede, Glenn Ponder!
(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing Yule, Glenn Ponder. A-ha.
- A-ha. - Well, Glenn. Did you have a nice Christmas?
Oh, quiet. We just stayed in, didn't we?
- What about you, Alan? - Very pleasant.
Except on Boxing Day, when I chopped a man's head off!
- Really, Alan? - Yes. I was playing ''Mortal Kombat''
- on my nephew's video game! - (DRUMBEAT)
But seriously, the highlight of my Christmas
was receiving a brand-new Rover Vitesse Fastback,
which I don't mind admitting is the best executive car I've ever had.
Wh-What did you get, Glenn?
- Andy bought me a silk kimono. - Gl-Glenn Ponder...and Andy.
(APPLAUSE)
and what party would be complete without three lovely hostesses hired for the evening?
They'll be circulating with mulled wine and Boaster biscuits.
They're an assortment of chocolate and hazelnuts compacted onto an oatmeal base.
Quite buttery.
Anyway, there they are. Yvette, Martine and Sam.
They're my three Christmas crackers,
and I wouldn't mind pulling one of those.
Now, while the girls whet our appetite, who's going to provide us with the meat?
Well, it's a TV chef with a difference, so let's see what ''she'' is up to,
as we go over to my mock-up kitchen to join daytime TV's favourite chef,
the rude Fanny Thomas.
Alan, you've caught me holding an enormous chopper!
- Ooh! Pardon? - Ha-ha-ha! She's outrageous.
- KMAPKYFT. A-ha. - You what?
I'm saying knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Fanny Thomas.
- What for? - I'm just trying to save time.
We worked out during my series that we wasted two minutes every show saying my catchphrase.
- Why don't you cut your catchphrase? - Can't do that.
That'd be like JFK not saying, ''Ich bin ein Berliner.''
- He only said it once. - Yeah, and look what happened to him.
Are you saying if you don't say your catchphrase, you might be assassinated?
No... Although I can never completely eliminate the threat of assassination.
I live daily under the shadow of a gunman.
But saying the phrase may cause the assailant to abort the mission in the confusion.
Anyway, I was trying to save time.
I could have been shot four or five times by now.
I'm going to have to drop one of the guests. Cut Zola Budd. Pay her off. Get her a cab.
- Shall I show you what I'm cooking? - No, there isn't time. We'll see you later.
Basically, we all know what Fanny Thomas does.
She cooks lovely food and makes innuendos. Fanny, what are you cooking?
Roast partridge. Do you want stuffing?
- Yes, please. - You don't look the type. Ooh! Pardon?
That sort of thing. Anyway...
- More of that later. - You'll be lucky!
Outrageous! Don't talk with your mouth full.
- Like my boyfriend last night. - Please. That's too many.
Now on with the party. My house, my mock-up house,
is open to all comers... Don't!
..from the rich man in his Rover
to the poor man in his Vauxhall Corsa. So let's see...
Let's see who's here.
Let me just have you for a second. Now, this man looks like he works in a bank,
but, in fact, he's my new boss,
the new Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television, Mr Tony Hayers!
(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
I'll have to turf you out. Go over there.
KMAPKYTH. A-ha.
- A. - Sorry?
A. Abbreviation for a-ha.
No, I don't want that.
I don't want anyone to abbreviate the a-has.
By the way, when I greet anyone else, I want the full response.
Only I will use the abbreviated form.
This is eating into the show more than I intended.
This was actually meant to save time.
I'll abandon it... No, I'll stick with it.
Tony, welcome to the show. Before you came to the BBC,
you were chairman of Euro-International Airlines,
and whilst you were there, you sacked over 2,000 people.
- Will you do the same at the BBC? - I don't know about that,
but if I can borrow an image from your wonderful opening,
- I hope to ring some changes. - My show is your bell.
Please peal it. Peal my bell.
- What? - Sorry. Just tell us what you'll do.
Well, I'll be looking at our output very carefully.
We live in a market economy, and the BBC should be no exception.
Every programme will have to justify itself.
If it's a lame duck, it may go.
Well, ''Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge'' is a very healthy duck
with plenty of legs.
Axe any show you like, just say I'm getting a second series.
Please tell me I've got a second series, boss!
Do you want to do that? Just to clear the air.
- I know this is not really the time... - No, it's not. No.
No. I'm sorry. I put you on the spot there. I've embarrassed you. Everyone's embarrassed.
- It's gone. It's gone. - What's gone?
- That moment. The moment's gone. - Oh, good. I thought you meant the series.
Now, Christmas at home is...
I'm sorry. All that won't affect my chances of a second series?
No, it won't affect the decision.
- The decision's been taken? - Decisions are made and unmade all the time.
So the decision might not have been made?
- The decision is pending. - So if tonight's show goes well,
I will get a second series?
Don't say anything. Don't say a word.
Now, what kind of a Christmas did you have?
You know, traditional. Christmas tree, turkey, all the children together....
- Midnight mass? - No, I'm Jewish.
Are you?
Jews are good. Jews are good.
Knowing you, Tony Hayers, Jew...
..knowing me, Alan Partridge, Jew-liker.
By the way, all that stuff before, that's all water under the bridge.
- With the second series? - No, the Crucifixion.
- What... - No, no, I meant the second series!
Let's talk about moral standards at the BBC.
I think many people are worried about moral standards...
Like the young bell-ringer was saying earlier, people are afraid that the media...
I wasn't talking about the media. I meant people are worried by sex and violence...
Listen, love. We chatted earlier, but you must remember, you are a peripheral guest.
No, no. I think that's a salient point. It's worth hearing.
Good idea. Let's hear her salient point.
Bring her on. Can we get a drink for the Christian?
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
- Mary. - Like the Virgin Mary.
Are you... It's none of my business.
- Yes, I am, actually. - Oh... Well done.
- Um... Fire away. - I'd to ask Mr Hayers why he allows...
- How did this happen? - What?
Nothing. Carry on.
Um... I'd like to ask why he allows on the BBC the graphic depiction
of such sordid practices as swearing, fighting, masturbation...
Listen, if you're going to talk about this, can you avoid using that word?
- Masturbation? - Yes. That's the one.
Well, I do object to the graphic depiction of onanism.
What's onanism?
- It's masturbation. - Thank you.
- What's your problem with it? - I don't like it.
Well, don't do it.
What do you intend to do about all the filth?
It's not his fault. Leave him alone!
- No, I'd like to deal with this. - Let him speak!
The BBC has a brief, part of which is to provide an opportunity
for provocative, innovative, experimental drama.
''Crimewatch UK.''
Now, this can't be to everybody's taste.
''When The Boat Comes In'' - terrible programme.
- But if viewed in context... - Some programmes are just pornographic.
I think to call the BBC's output pornographic is being slightly hysterical.
Ha-ha-ha! ''Slightly hysterical.'' Very good.
I'm not hysterical. The BBC broadcasts pornography.
Listen, the BBC might be many things, but porn it ain't.
The only way to access hard-core pornography
is to get a satellite smart-card decoder.
Then you're in business.
Look, let's talk about Christmas.
Anyone got any thoughts about Christmas? Fanny?
Well, me spatula's stuck under me flapjack. Ooh! Pardon?
Outrageous.
Hang on. That doesn't make sense.
Well, erm... You know, spat... No...
- No, it doesn't work, does it? - No.
I think it's nice that we're here to celebrate Christmas.
This is a Christmas show and it's celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ
and his incarnation as a human being.
No, it's not. It's ''Knowing Me, Knowing Yule With Alan Partridge''.
- And Christ. - Christ isn't in the title.
It's not ''Knowing Me, Knowing You With Jesus Christ''.
- Do you believe in God, Alan? - Yes.
- What is he? - God is...a...a gas.
- What does that mean? - Well, not a small...not like Calor Gas.
He's something big like oxygen... or carbon dioxide.
No, that's bad. That's the devil.
I don't want to get bogged down in this, because I haven't thought it through.
- Oh, there's someone at the door! - Is there?
Yes. There's someone at the door.
- Santa... Santa... - (DOORBELL)
Let's see who it is. Ooh! I've got a good feeling about this.
Yes... Oh, it's Father Christmas!
(CHEERING)
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! - All right, Mike. That's enough.
Father Christmas is, in fact, none other than Mike Taylor
of the Norfolk Rover Dealer Network.
Mike, thanks very much for being Father Christmas.
- It's a pleasure. - Mike, I heard recently
that Norfolk Rover are offering 0% finance on selected models this season.
Yes, the snowy weather has enabled us to freeze prices on the Rover 600 series.
But, Alan, I understand you have a Rover Vitesse Fastback.
- Yes, I do. - What do you like about it?
Well, apart from the walnut and leather interior, which gives it luxury car status,
what impressed me most was the overall economy.
I mean, 38.4 miles per gallon at 56mph makes it a class leader.
That's absolutely right.
- Father Christmas! - (APPLAUSE)
Let's meet a few other guests at tonight's party.
Over there is WPC Kate Fraser. She patrols my area.
- I bet she takes down your particulars! - It's getting quite tiresome now.
And I want you to meet this character. His name is Alan.
He's responsible for getting me where I am today. He's my chauffeur!
- (DRUMBEAT) - Yeah, it did deserve one of those.
- Alan, did you get here all right? - Fine. Bit of a snarl-up at Shepherd's Bush.
Lot of Asian blokes having a party or something.
What is it you call it? Ramadamading-dong.
No, not... It's... It's Ramadan, Alan.
- I know, but you said Ramadamading-dong. - Not now, Alan. Please.
Now, the conversations I've just had, I think,
successfully recreate the conversations I have with my friends at home.
Once again, if you've just tuned in, this is a mock-up. However, this is real.
This is my favourite piece of furniture.
It's a genuine 18th-century Queen Anne wardrobe,
hollowed out to include a 36'' TV with companion video.
And I'll just unwrap this...
It's for all those people who asked what I get up to at Christmas in Norwich.
Here's the answer. It's ''Christmas In Norwich With Alan Partridge''.
(ALAN) Norwich. City of mustard...and shoes.
After the bombing of Dresden,
Norwich became the city with the most pre-Reformation churches in Europe.
I love to jog around Norwich,
but I can still make calls to the office via my digital telecom headset communicator.
Norwich Cathedral is breathtaking,
and its beautiful stone cloisters are the perfect place to go jogging every morning,
whilst making those last-minute budget decisions.
300K. 300K or we take it to Sky.
If Raquel Welch doesn't want to stay in a Trust House Forte,
we'll stick her in a youth hostel.
400 years ago, this serenity was shattered by a bloody big fight
between the townsfolk and the cathedral monks.
Six friars were beheaded on this site, which is now a Dorothy Perkins.
The blood runs deep.
Many say the ghosts of that carnage still haunt the town square.
It's three days before Christmas, and I drive the Rover Vitesse Fastback
to the Royal Norwich Hospital.
You can't park here. I've got special permission,
because I'm distributing a large box of second-hand toys to the sick children.
Hello. I'm Alan Partridge...
I love kids. The things they say!
There you go. Have a toy. Second-hand, but it's in quite good condition.
Basically, shop-soiled, but... it is still in pretty good condition.
There's nothing technically wrong with that.
Does anyone watch my show, ''Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge''? No?
- No? - No one knows it?
- Never heard of you. - Never heard of me?
It's very rude to say that.
In the studio, we're building an enormous mock-up of my house...in a studio.
It's great. The budget's about...280K.
Um, I don't know if any of you are familiar with TV budgets, are you?
You looking forward to Christmas?
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
The good thing about the automatic transmission on these things
is you don't have to do those tricky hill starts.
Right now I just hit the gas, away we go.
It's been a busy few days. What better way to unwind than at Tandy's?
I've got a special arrangement with their Norwich branch,
who let me into their store after they're closed to the public.
If you're a well-known celebrity, shopping can be an absolute nightmare,
so it's always nice to mooch around without fear of being threatened or pickpocketed.
Nice action. Very nice action.
Hmm... That is a very nice action.
Yeah...
It's a quality action.
I've got one, though.
Right... Ah, Traffic Master.
- Can these be dash-mounted? - Yeah.
Excellent. Excellent.
It's like ''Crackerjack'', this, all these presents... Oh, Jesus Christ!
If there's any damage, report it to the BBC. I'm sorry.
It's at times like these, simply browsing among electrical goods at Tandy's,
that I know who I truly am.
I'm Alan Partridge.
Well, it's Christmas Eve, all the good deeds are done,
the Rover's in the garage with the Espace and the Toyota Starlet -
runaround for Denise, when she's home - parked there safely in the garage.
It's a triple garage. It's quite large. We'll show you a cutaway of that...now.
I'm going to tuck into a turkey. You can't come in, it's private,
but I'll see you later in the mock-up.
Goodnight and merry Christmas.
Seriously, a bit of privacy. Thanks a lot.
Caught me chomping on a mince pie.
Do they taste a bit off?
Bit minty? Sort of fermented.
Everyone, the mince pies are off. Don't eat the mince pies.
Tony, I hope you'll sort out BBC catering.
I'll make it my top priority. Although there are other things to address...
Sorry. Can I interrupt you? Mary, can I ask you to eat less noisily?
I'm not being rude, but if I hold my microphone close to your mouth...now chew.
- (MUNCHING) - That's what people hear at home.
I'm not being rude, it's just that you sound like a pig.
- Sorry, Tony. - Yes, there are things I'll be looking into.
- For example, product placement. - What's product placement?
It's when a presenter abuses his or her position
to advertise a specific product.
I see that as a severe breach of contract, and it'll be punished with instant dismissal.
- Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas, Tony! - Oh, a present.
Don't open that now. Don't open that now.
- You don't have to open that now. - (MARY) What is it?
It's a Rover.
- There's a special offer, which lasts... - Mike. Not now, Mike.
I'm going to have some mulled wine.
- Glenn, do you want some mulled wine? - No, thanks. I'm fine.
Right. Does your friend want some?
- Do you want some? - I'm fine.
- No, Andy's fine. - Well, if he wants some, let me know.
- I'll have some, Alan. - Get your own.
Ramadamading-dong.
Hello again. How are you? Looking for the mulled wine.
Ah, Boasters. Mmm...
Quite nice, these. Have you had a Boaster? Have one yourself.
Quite interesting. Three years ago, Hobnobs were probably the number one biscuit.
Um...it was digestives, then Hobnobs came along and blew them into the weeds.
So until recently, in the oatmeal kingdom, Hobnobs ruled the biscuit roost.
But um...then Boasters came along.
I'd love to have been a fly on the wall at the Hobnob factory when Boasters arrived.
I'm not implying that there are flies...
I'm not implying that flies are on the wall at Hobnob factories.
I was talking about hypothetical flies... but on a real Hobnob wall.
Lovely chat. You're doing very well. I've been watching you.
Don't forget, Mick Hucknall later on, but now my star guest...
Apart from Mick Hucknall. That's contractual.
Now, if you read the ''Radio Times'', you may be expecting Raquel Welch.
She cancelled...this afternoon.
I can't say anything beyond that.
Five o'clock, she cancelled.
However, we've got something better, I think.
We've got two very lovely golfers who are going to step into Raquel's shoes.
One in each.
Their story touched the nation. She used to be his caddy.
Now he is her caddy.
Why? You'll see for yourself
as I introduce a married pair of top professional golfing people,
Liz and Gordon Heron!
(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
Watch the Queen Anne cabinet. Watch Glenn's friend Andy.
There you go. Just want to park him there?
Great. Lovely. You'll be doing three-point turns next.
KMAPKY, Gordon and Liz Heron. A-ha.
- (BOTH) A-ha. - (GIGGLES)
That's a nice laugh. Sounds like a big bird.
- (GIGGLES) - It really does.
Now, as I said, your story is a Christmas fairy tale, isn't it?
You're Gordon Hansel and Liz Gretel.
Allow me, if you will, to be Hans Christian Alanpartridgesen.
Once upon a time in November 1993,
a young golfer was on the 18th hole.
He was about to putt his way to victory in the Colgate Cup.
As his flaxen hair blew in the wind, it started to rain.
Then disaster! A bolt of lightning struck him down and he was paralysed.
How did that feel?
Sort of felt a bit like...
(SCREAMS)
Wonderful. Wonderful. What a lovely sense of humour.
I'll just finish the fairy story.
Gordon the golfer didn't lie down like a dog
and become a bitter and twisted hateful lunatic.
He picked himself up, and in the tradition of many other heroic disabled people -
Nelson, Napoleon, Ironside, Daniel Day-Lewis, Captain Hook and Dave Allen -
he became Liz's golfing coach and caddy in a special motorised cart.
Two years later, Liz putted her way to glory in the Colgate Cup,
and last week was named Lady Sports Personality of the Year by ''She'' magazine.
The end. It's a fairy story.
Gordon, you were robbed of the use of your legs.
In a sense, you were a victim of a leg thief.
What would you say to that leg thief?
I'd say, ''Why didn't you pick on someone with more legs than they need?''
- A centipede. - Exactly.
A centipede with 98 legs can still get about.
What about a millipede? Millipedes have a million legs.
- A thousand. - What's got a million legs, then?
A thousand millipedes.
It doesn't seem fair, the way God gives some things a thousand legs.
I can't believe a millipede has the intelligence to appreciate how lucky it is.
Then God gives people only two legs.
- God's probably got lots of legs himself. - Except God's a gas.
Probably got gas legs. That makes sense. Yeah.
Now, Liz... Lovely Liz... Much though I respect golfers,
I do find the sport incredibly dull.
- Is it? - Isn't he rude?
Golf's a great sport. It's one of the world's most traditional sports.
It dates back to Henry VIII. He was the fat king with the six wives. Lucky bloke!
He used to play croquet on the green outside Buckingham Palace.
In them days, London was like a big village. They called it Londinium.
Anyway, so through the centuries, the sticks became the golf clubs that we know,
and the balls became smaller, they became the golf balls that we know and love.
It's very traditional and exciting, and dull it is not.
Mmm... Gordon, do you get out much?
When I can.
- Do you have any hobbies? - Yeah, I like making maps.
What? Ordnance Survey maps? A-Zs?
No, maps of imaginary places, you know.
- What do you mean? - I create them, you know,
like a mountain or a pond, maybe a little stream.
- Right. Do you hang them on the wall or... - I don't draw them. They're in my head.
Right. Right...
Are they any use?
Not really.
Good. Well, I'd love to walk round your head sometime. I'm sure it's very picturesque.
No, you can't. It's private.
All right. I wasn't going to book an appointment.
- (GIGGLES) - Liz. Liz...
Lovely Liz with your lovely bird laugh.
In the past, before the... (MAKES CRASHING SOUND )
..I believe Gordon was a bit of a ladies' man.
- In fact, he was known as Randy Gordon. - That's right.
Now, I like to call him Chairman Mao. I say, ''Morning, Chairman Mao.''
Is he a communist?
- I'm in a wheelchair. - Of course. Chairman Mao. Sorry.
Right, well, Gordon... In the past, before the... (MAKES SIZZLING SOUND ),
..you...what I mean is, do you still have an eye for the fairer sex?
Oh, yes. Still chase the ladies, but I stop when they get to the stairs.
- Yes. A bit like a Dalek. - Yes.
Can't go up the stairs, I mean. I'm not comparing you to a Dalek.
You're more like Davros, the leader of the Daleks -
half-human, half... I'm sorry. I'm deeply sorry. I just... Sorry.
Um... You're married to Liz, there's no escaping that...
um...but in the words of Dr Hook,
''When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends.''
- Do you watch your friends? - Was Dr Hook a real doctor?
I've no idea. Can we find out?
Can we find out if Dr Hook was a qualified GP? They'll let us know.
Is this you, Alan?
Yes. This is a portrait I commissioned by a local Norwich artist, David Morton.
He's done a few famous people. He did Sebastian Coe, the Conservative runner.
- I think your mouth looks a little bit big. - That's intentional.
He takes the facet of a subject which is most significant, then exaggerates it.
I'm a chatter. I don't know what I'd do if my mouth was struck by lightning.
I'm sure you'd find another hole to talk through.
Lovely. Lovely sense of humour.
You should put the brakes on that... or drop anchor, whatever you do.
It's nice that you've got all these ramps.
Do you like those? I don't have ramps in my real home,
because, frankly, I don't know that many disabled people,
but if we became friends, then I'd happily purchase a set.
- Don't get your chequebook out just yet. - No, it's the least I could do.
It'd be nice if you chipped in. I mean, you would be the major user.
I'm sorry. I would fund them exclusively.
If we were friends.
Right. Now... It says here ''announcement''. What's that about?
Oh, that's me. I'm pregnant! Ladies and gentlemen, in five months,
I shall be giving birth to a little baby Heron.
Not literally. That would be hideous... but congratulations.
Yeah, she used to caddy me clubs, now she's caddying me baby.
Congratulations and best wishes to both of you.
And a special congratulations to you, Gordon. Well done.
- What do you mean? - I'm just saying well done...good wishes...
- I can have sex. - I know...
- I can still shag! - Please. It's Christmas...
Being in a wheelchair doesn't mean I don't feel sexual desire. I actually feel more.
- I'm a better lover. - Please...
- People don't want to hear about lust... - I don't... Please!
- ''Please!'' - Look...
- (MOCKING CHATTER) - Don't! Listen, I'm on your side!
I had those ramps installed at three hours' notice.
There's no disabled access at the Strand Theatre tonight
because we've got the ramps.
If you're in a wheelchair and want to see ''The Buddy Holly Story'', forget it.
This lot didn't want you on the show. They said you'd be a fire hazard.
I've got a fire extinguisher under my chair in case you go off.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your fairy story.
Stay around, enjoy some mulled wine. Gordon and Liz Heron - a fairy story!
(APPLAUSE)
Now...
Now, I know what you're saying.
You're saying to yourselves, ''Alan, this show is a success.
''Granted, there were one or two hiccups,
''but they could be ironed out if this show went to a second series.''
I hope you're listening, Tony. This is the viewers speaking.
''However, Alan,'' you're saying, ''you are a spiv, a rip-off merchant.
''A Christmas special, and you haven't even pulled a cracker.''
To those people, I say, ''Right. Bring on the biggest Christmas cracker in the world!''
(MUSIC)
The cracker is...
The cracker is 5ft high...
The cracker is 5ft high, the height of a large cow,
and 23ft long, that's about the length of a small Chinese restaurant.
Our thanks for the construction go to Hilary Simpson of White City Pyrotechnics.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you, Hilary. Hilary, of course, can be a man's name, like Leslie or Vivian.
Thank you for donating your services for free. This is a charity pull.
Fanny, don't comment. Inside the cracker is a kidney dialysis machine.
If we break the record, it'll be on its way to the Royal Children's Hospital in Norwich.
Here to pull the cracker are the Royal Plymouth Sea Cadets.
(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
Now, we were going to have Zola Budd blow the whistle.
She can't so that, so, Gordon, perhaps you'd blow the whistle instead.
- In your own time. On your marks, get set... - (WHISTLES)
The force required is the equivalent of a Land Rover winching up a small sapling.
Oh, right! The cracker's on fire! Abort the pull! Abort the pull!
Gordon! Where's the fire extinguisher!
- It's under your chair! - It's under my chair!
Put my face out! Put my face out!
- (APPLAUSE) - Ladies and gentlemen,
we have had a cracker fire.
I'm being told the split does not constitute a complete snap,
and we haven't broken the world record.
I suppose the lesson to be learned is don't get your props from White City Pyrotechnics,
because - I'm happy to say this on record - White City Pyrotechnics are run by twits.
And there's one over there. And he's got a girl's name.
- And he makes pyrotechnics like a girl. - Shall I do the joke, Alan?
- No, don't do the joke, Father Christmas. - Go on. Give us all a giggle.
What make of car goes ''woof-woof''?
- Is it a Rover? - Mike, please. Mike, Mike, please...
Help me out here, please. Please.
No, it's not a Rover, it's a...Vauxhall Labrador.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh! Hilarious!
- There's no such car. - There is. My dad had one.
We had great times in the Vauxhall Labrador.
Right, can we clear this up? Meanwhile, let's have some breakfast bar chat.
Um... A new section. What shall we talk about?
- What happens with that dialysis machine? - It goes back to the suppliers.
- How much does a dialysis machine cost? - About L20,000.
- And how much does this programme cost? - That's confidential information.
- L300,000. - That's correct. Yeah.
You could have got 14 dialysis machines instead of making this programme?
I think if you asked the public whether they'd prefer 14 dialysis machines
or my Christmas special, the answer would be unanimous, right, Tony?
Yes, I think it would.
Thanks, everyone, for a very entertaining breakfast bar chat.
Quite a good section, that. That could be a regular feature...
if we got a second series.
(MIMES) On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A partridge in a pear tree
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree, that's me
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
- Three French hens, two turtle doves... - This should have been moved!
- Alan Partridge in a pear tree... - This should have been moved!
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
- Four calling birds... - Just cut the music. We can't do this!
- Alan Partridge in a pear tree - Keep flapping. It looks good.
We've got you there. I'm just getting this turtle dove down.
I'm sorry. This is the French hens...
Are you all right there? You don't have to flap any more, love. It's OK.
I just want to keep you off the dialysis machine.
It's got to go back to the suppliers.
This really should have been cleared. That should have been cleared.
I'm sorry I've had to abandon my big number.
There's still 28 people backstage in funny costumes who were going to dance...
But...what the heck? The show's still going well. I believe that.
Let's go back to Fanny Thomas and her Christmas partridge!
(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
Well, I've basted the bird now. What we need to sort out is the trimmings.
I don't know about you, but there's nothing I love more than a hot stuffing.
Ooh! Pardon? Anyway, I'd like you to help me out now by grasping this very firmly
and giving the top a good hard tug.
- What does your mother think of you? - Very proud.
- Go on. Say something about ''proud''. - Sorry?
- About standing proud or something. - I don't get it.
I mean like, you know...like a man's member.
I don't want to encourage you. I'm just surprised you missed that one.
I don't know what you mean. Go on. Twist it.
- It's quite stiff. - That's what they all say. Ooh! Pardon?
No, leave it alone. Now, Alan, look. Here's the stuffing, right?
I want you to grab a great big fistful.
Ooh, he's not shy. Now, stick it right up. Go on. Stick it right up. Go on.
That's it. Further.
Further.
- Right up to the neck. - Now, that's enough!
It's rude to point, Alan. I don't mean your finger. Ooh! Pardon?
- I am not aroused! - Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
- Put a cork in it! - I tried, but it doesn't help.
- Knock it on the head! - Ooh, you're into the rough stuff?
- It's enough to make a girl blush. - But you're not a girl, are you?
You're Peter Willis, a failed disc jockey who dresses as a woman for cheap laughs.
Right. This is Peter, right? What do you want? Do you want Peter or do you want Fanny?
Uh... Fanny. I want Fanny.
Now, I think you pulled out too soon. Go on, pop it back in. That's right.
Oi, Alan. What do you do for an encore? Shag a robin?
That's enough...
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I need help! I'll get help!
I'm sorry. My wife left me on Christmas Eve.
I spent Christmas Day on my own here. Well, not here. This is a mock-up.
This is a disgrace. I'll make sure you never...NEVER...work on television again.
Please don't take my chat away from me. Is there any way I can change your mind?
No.
Do you want some? Eh? I'm handy!
I'm handy! Do you want some?
- No, thank you! - What about you, Mrs Putter?
Do you want some big bird? Eh?
(WHIMPERS)
I will never work in broadcasting again!
And on that bombshell, it's time for me, Alan Partridge,
to say knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, wherever you are
and whostso... Is whost a word? I don't know.
And um...I've just been told Dr Hook is not a qualified medical doctor.
Happy Christmas and... Oh, here's Mick Hucknall to sing ''Ding-Dong Merrily On High''.
A-ha!
(APPLAUSE)
Ding-dong merrily on high
In heaven the bells are ringing
Ding-dong verily the sky
Is riven with angels singing
Gloria
Hosanna in excelsis
May you dutifully prime
Your matin chimes, ye ringers
May you beautifully rhyme
Your evetime song, ye singers
Gloria
Hosanna in excelsis
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
E'en so here below, below
Let steeple bells be swinging
And i-o, i-o, i-o...