[Theme music playing]
[Laughs]
[Lever clicks]
♪
MAN: It's alive!
[Robot chicken clucking]
♪
[Laughing evilly]
♪
Oh, my God. We're gonna die!
I didn't want to do this in the first place!
We're gonna die. Oh, no, it's happening!
- Ah! - Oh, phew.
- Whew! - Wow, I saw my life flash before my eyes.
- We really avoided... - That was terrible.
Ah, I thought that was gonna be so much worse.
[Goose honks]
- Aww, look at the goose! - That's so cute.
- So cute, look at that goose. - Oh, that's so cool.
- I heard she took a two-foot shit. - For real?
♪
Finally, home after a long day
of being the first president of the United States.
- [Giggles] - Who are you?!
I'm George Washington Barbie. This is my life.
Are you saying you want to kill me
and then pose as me, George Washington,
a man who is 6'3", has wooden teeth,
and is the President of the United States?
- I cannot tell a lie. [Gunshot] - Ah!
Now to complete my look.
[Grunting]
♪
Hmm.
Ahhh!
[Crying]
♪
Mm, perfect!
Hello, Mr. Washington. Y-You shrunk, Sir.
Hi, John Adams. [Chuckles] Cute wig.
I am so sorry, I don't want to ask this,
but aren't you supposed to be a guy?
- I am. - Well, the teeth are accurate.
And check this out.
Does this look like a girl part to you?
I don't know if you know this, sir,
but your penis has termites.
[Screams]
Ahh!
I declare the White House a dream house.
[Applause]
MAN: George Washington Barbie never told a lie,
except for the lie that she was George Washington,
although she was George Washington Barbie.
The end.
♪
Oh, man. [Sighs] You have insurance, right?
- Nope. - Oh, man!
Oh, boy, "Empire Strikes Back" is my favorite movie.
"Luke, I am your father."
DARTH VADER: No, I am your father.
[Stammers] That's not the line.
Young nerd, Darth Vader never said "Luke" in that famous line.
[Gasps] The ghost of Nelson Mandela.
You're experiencing the Mandela effect.
It's named for a collective false memory.
Like when people remember me dying in prison
in the '80s when I actually died at home in 2013.
Oh, like "The Berenstain Bears"
actually being "The Berenstein Bears."
It's actually the other way around.
- Or is it? - Agree to disagree.
Well, we need to fix "Star Wars."
If only there was a way to go back in time.
There is. Take my hand.
- Your hand is a time machine? - Pretty cool, right?
Suck a "D," Bill and Ted.
[Gasps] The original script.
I'll fix the line so it's the way I remember it.
- [Mumbles] - But there's more!
Remember when Forrest Gump said,
"Life is like a box of chocolates"? He actually said...
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
We got to correct this.
Excuse me, Mr. Hanks, the studio said
you got to change that line.
[Whispering]
For legal reasons. Thanks so much.
Fucking bean counters. Always stepping on my art.
- Okay, back to one! - Remember Curious George the monkey?
Well, did you know he never actually had a tail?
Excuse me, H.A. Rey, no big deal,
just emergency services. Here, I'll take that.
Oh, I knew this monkey was missing something.
Now let's go back to current times
to enjoy the fruits of our labor.
DARTH VADER: No, Luke,
I am a closer relative than you think.
Oh, no, my penmanship.
- I made it worse. - It's okay. Turn on "Forrest Gump."
Life is a box.
Oh, no. Well, at least Curious George
doesn't have to say anything. Turn on PBS.
Not what I pictured, but I like it.
A big monkey wiener?
I bet everyone will be curious about that.
[Both laugh]
Oh, mm. Oh, baby.
Unh. Oh, baby. Do I have to leave this thing on?
Yeah, you spin that web.
[Grunts]
- Mmm. - [Laughs]
Want a cereal that tastes great
- and helps release pent-up rage? - Yeah!
Time to give breakfast what it deserves.
Z-oh-diacs... the nutritious
whole-grain cereal with the excitement
of a late '60s killing spree!
Toasted oats in the same fun shapes as my cryptograms.
And the back of every box has a cypher puzzle.
- Wow. - Delicious and entertaining?
- Who are you? - [Laughs] Nobody knows,
which is why we've mixed in multi-colored marshmallows
that look like the suspects people thought I might be.
The police detective, the librarian, the Navy veteran.
They even got the guy with a deathbed confession.
He's... ha... delicious!
- And also not guilty. - Murder-licious!
- I hope they never find you. - It's been 50 years.
I'd say you've got nothing to worry about,
except the safety of your parents.
- [Screams] - Z-oh-diacs...
...unsolvably delicious.
♪
♪ Old McThanos had a farm ♪
♪ T-H-A-N-O-S ♪
♪ And on that farm, he had the only chickens ♪
♪ Left in the galaxy ♪
♪ T-H-A-N-O-S ♪
♪ With a snap-snap here ♪
♪ And a snap-snap there ♪
♪ Here a snap, there a snap ♪
♪ Everywhere a snap-snap ♪
♪ Old McThanos had a farm ♪
♪ T-H-A-N-O... ♪
Oh. Oh, shit.
[Siren wailing]
[Cheering]
[Crowd booing]
♪
[All shouting indistinctly]
Whoa, this ain't Denny's.
It's a cool dance. You guys a cult?
I was in a cult once. They kicked me out
for siphoning gas from the cult leader's Camaro.
[All shout indistinctly]
Hey, you ever siphon gas?
It's a real easy way to accidentally drink gas.
ALL: No! No way!
Oh, invisible kids. Is it cool if I hit my vape in here?
- ALL: No, no! - Get out!
[Shouting indistinctly]
I'd leave, but I'm not real sure how I got here
in the first place, and the last thing I remember,
I was sniffing a shit ton of airplane glue.
No way, get out!
Okay, that pokey, stabby feeling feels real familiar.
That's definitely a NARCAN injection.
Yeah. Guess they're calling me home.
Arrivederci.
[Cheering]
♪
But why bats, Master Bruce?
BRUCE: They scare me, Alfred.
I want my enemies to experience that fear.
Let's take a look at this baby.
[Screams] I look like a giant bat!
Get me out of this thing!
[Screaming] Get it off, get it off, get it off!
Get it off! It's on my arm! It's on my face!
Ahh! Fuck! The bats are on me!
[Screaming]
I hate bats!
Oh! [Screams]
I am a bat! The bat is on me!
[Screams] It's all over me!
Get me out of this thing!
[Screams]
I'm inside the bat!
[Gasps] Cookies? Yes, me accept.
Me click yes cookies. Where cookies?
Ahhh! Cookies!
Cookies! No cookies? What is real?
Me trust nothing.
Welcome to Domino's. Can I interest you in a pizza?
Everyone on the fucking ground.
- It's the Noid. - What?
The Domino's mascot from 1986 to 1995.
He's the physical manifestation of everything
that can go wrong when ordering a pizza.
Nearly a decade of service to the Domino's Corporation,
and how did they repay me?
- By kicking me to the curb! - What went wrong, Mr. Noid?
In 1996, a man with the last name Noid
took a Domino's hostage, believing the Noid was created
to mock him. His demands... free pizza,
a white limo, and the end of the Noid in Domino's advertising.
And those spineless suits caved to him!
- Wait, is this shit real? - Yeah. Check the Wikipedia page.
Point is, now I'm the one with the gun,
and I demand that Domino's bring back the Noid.
[Siren wails] MAN: Come on out with your hands up.
Not unless Domino's brings back the Noid.
Uh, oh, okay. Sure, we can do that.
Shit. The Noid is back, baby!
[Gunfire]
[Tires squeal, siren wails]
Can I get garlic knots with those meat lover pizzas?
Yodels, Ho Hos, Doodles,
Ding Dongs, Ring Dings, King Dons, Ring Kings,
Ring Dongs, Ding Ring Dongs,
- Ding Dang Doodle Dogs. - Dad! Mom's doing it again.
Triple Dipple Ding Dong Dipple Dongs.
[Indistinct conversations]
Oh hey, so that's season 11.
Thanks to the musical guests, Yaboobas. [Farts]
- Also, thanks to the Zodiac Killer... - Not guilty.
...the ghost of Nelson Mandela, and of course,
both slices of American cheese.
Oh, and Tom Hanks' brother, Jim.
- Thanks, Jim! - Yeah.
See you next year if we don't get canceled.
Good night, everybody!
I cannot wait to not see your fucking face for six months.
Fuck you, fuck face.
Thanks for cutting my sketch at the last minute, assholes.
I wasn't even in this episode. [Chuckles]
That Noid sketch went over like a brick balloon, huh?
[Laughs] Go back and vote for Brexit, you fucking idiot.
Your opinion means nothing to me.
The Zodiac Killer just escaped with the whole party sub.
You know, on "Suits," we had a full taco bar
- seven days a week. - I fucking love "Suits."
- Yeah. - Taco bar.
[Both shouting]
I've had just about enough of your bullshit.
I will punch a hole through my own fucking face
if these goddamn credits don't end right the fuck no...
♪
21, engage the doom cannon.
Dude, we got canceled. Forget it. It's over.
- Come on, think of the fans, Doc. - Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
They deserve better this creepy Pinocchio bullshit.
Don't break the puppet, dude. We could sell it on eBay.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~