You can call me Mr Croup
-and you can call my... -Brother.
..associate Mr Vandemar.
You may have had nightmares about us.
We are currently executing a commission in London Below.
That city of the lost and forgotten that exists, as it were,
contemporaneously with the other London of the same name.
There's a girl called Door, and she's on her way to see an angel,
and there's the Marquis de Carabas and he came to see us.
Always a mistake.
You are, I understand, Mr Croup, a collector of Tang Dynasty figurines.
How did you know that?
People tell me things. I'm approachable.
Even if I were...
If you were, you might be interested in this.
What's to stop us taking it
and leaving little bits of you all over the Underside?
We've never dismembered a marquis before.
I have. In York, in the 1 4th century, in the rain.
He wasn't a marquis. It was the Earl of Exeter.
And Marquis of Westmoreland.
What's to stop us hacking you as we hacked the Marquis of Westmoreland?
Oh, please. No more silly threats.
I think I'd feel better if you were both sitting down.
Name your price.
This wine...
..it is the last bottle of its kind.
I was given a dozen bottles by one of your ancestors.
This was 30... 40,000 years ago.
I suppose you could accuse me of squandering something I should treasure.
But I receive guests so rarely and the way here is hard.
-The Angelus... -You travelled here using the Angelus.
But that way only works once for each traveller.
Drink it carefully. It's most potent.
When one tastes it,
I like to imagine that one is tasting the sunlight of bygone days.
A toast to former glories.
Former glories.
Wow.
It's magical. I've never tasted anything like it.
You never will again. There is no more wine from Atlantis.
I claim nothing, Richard, but I am an angel.
-You honour us. -No.
You do me much honour by coming here.
Your father was a friend to me, Door. I was deeply saddened by his death.
My father told me to talk with you. He said I could trust you.
Lady, I hear many things in my chambers.
They say you were travelling with the Marquis de Carabas.
Yes. Why?
The Marquis has a certain reputation, but if you trust...
I do trust him.
Your prerogative.
I'll trade it for the answer to a question,
and an hour's head start.
-Who are you working for? -Simple.
Our principal, who wishes to remain nameless.
Very helpful.
So why didn't you kill Door when you had the chance?
Got to keep her alive. She's the only one who can open the door.
That's right, tell him everything.
I wanted a go.
-And who is your principal? -Uh-uh. Now we're getting greedy.
I hope I can be worthy of your father's trust.
Mr Islington...
Sir, my family were killed by Croup and Vandemar.
But who ordered it?
I want to know why.
I know what pain is and loss.
I sympathise.
London Below is the second city that I have cared for.
The first sank beneath the waves and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I wish there was some way I could help you.
It will not be simple. You and your companions will face difficulties.
But there is a way to learn.
A key to solve all problems, even yours, Richard.
You must bring me that key.
And you can use it to find out who killed my family?
I hope so.
-An hour's head start, remember? -Of course.
Oh, fine, fine.
Tang Dynasty indeed. 1 ,200 years old.
The finest pottery figurines ever made on this earth.
This was created by Kai Lun, finest of potters.
There is not a twin to it in existence.
Just examine the colour of the glaze, the sense of proportion, the life.
It adds a little beauty and wonder to the world.
(CRUNCHING)
This will keep you safe on the last part of your journey back to me.
The rest is up to you.
-What do you want us to do? -The Blackfriars are keepers of the key.
Bring it to me.
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMS)
I don't know what you drank, but it must have been potent.
No wonder Atlantis sank.
If they felt like this in the morning, it must have been a relief.
-Where are we? -In the stables of a friend.
Temple and Arch.
-Am I dead? -No.
That's Serpentine's crest. Serpentine of the Seven Sisters. We have to run.
Do you think you can enter Serpentine's house without Serpentine knowing?
Do not worry. Hunter worked for me long ago.
Her friends are my friends, child.
You've kept your looks better than I, Hunter.
CROUP: How long did we say he had? VANDEMAR: An hour.
CROUP: You follow him, Mr Vandemar.
I need a little more time in which to savour the occasion.
(SNIFFING)
Is it an hour yet?
You find this funny, Monsieur Marquis, do you not?
A source of amusement, is that not so?
With our pretty clothes and our convoluted circumlocution.
I haven't got a circum...
And our little sillinesses of manner and behaviour and perhaps we are funny,
but never imagine that just because something is funny, Monsieur Marquis,
it is not also dangerous.
Circumlocution.
A way of speaking around something. A digression. Verbosity.
VANDEMAR: I wondered.
Your hero is unable to hold his wine.
-He's not my hero. -I'm afraid he is.
Oh, you learn to recognise the type. There's something in the eyes, perhaps.
Bring a restorative for the gentleman.
When I last saw your father,
I told him that if he came back here, I'd turn him into a blindworm.
All that foolishness about uniting the Underside.
-How is your father? -Dead.
(CHUCKLES) See?
You're Beast-hunting, then?
You'll want the spear, of course.
-What are you giving him? -It will not hurt him. You are guests.
(DEVICE HUMMING)
He's in trouble. The Marquis.
He's in bad trouble.
Has he come round yet?
(WHIRRING)
No, Mr Croup. I think I broke him.
You must be more careful with your toys, Mr Vandemar.
There, I've had my fill of hospitality.
Hunter, you are always welcome here. Child, young man, good day.
RICHARD: Well, that was Serpentine, eh?
She seems nice enough.
When they want to make children behave themselves in the Underside,
they tell them, ''Behave or Serpentine will get you.''
-What is it, Hunter? -What is what?
What is it you want?
I fought in the sewers of New York with a great, blind, white alligator king.
He was 30 feet long. Fat with sewage and fierce in battle,
and I bested and I killed him.
His eyes were like huge pearls in the darkness.
I fought the bear that stalked the city beneath Berlin.
He had killed 1 ,000 men and his claws were stained brown and black
with the dried blood of 1 00 years,
but he fell to me.
He whispered words in a human tongue as he died.
And I shall slay the Beast of London.
They say his hide bristles with swords and spears,
and knives stuck in him by those who have tried and failed.
His tusks are razors,
and his hooves are thunderbolts.
I will kill him
or I will die in the attempt.
Up a little.
Left a little. There.
Lovely.
Naughty.
RICHARD: What is this? DOOR: Pea-souper. London particular.
Hasn't been one in the Upworld for 40 years now.
(RICHARD COUGHS)
-That doesn't sound good. -Fog in my throat.
Not again.
There are bubbles of old time in London where things and places stay the same,
like bubbles in amber.
There's a lot of time in London, and it has to go somewhere.
It doesn't all get used up at once.
I may still be hung over. That almost made sense.
(DOOR LAUGHS)
-RICHARD: Oh. This is disgusting... -Hold fast. State your intentions.
We're here for a key.
Enough. You may come forward.
I turn my head and you may go where you want.
I turn it again and you will stay till you rot.
I have no face, but I live or die by my crooked teeth.
Who am I?
If I turn my head... Crooked teeth...
Go where you... A key. You're a key.
A wise one. That's two steps taken.
One more to take.
(CREAKING)
So one of them is left to face the ordeal of the key.
DOOR: Oh, no.
Ordeal? Someone's got an ordeal waiting for them.
Let him or her stand forward now.
-Let me face the ordeal in his place. -We cannot permit that.
This ordeal of yours, how much of an ordeal is it?
Is this the kind of ordeal like
going to visit an elderly, ill-tempered female relative is an ordeal?
Or is this kind of ordeal more like, uh,
more like a plunging your hand into scalding hot water
to see how fast it takes off the skin sort of ordeal?
(GUNS COCKING)
-We're looking for a key. -Yes?
-It's for an angel. -Yes.
Well, you can't say no to an angel. Especially a man of the cloth.
Look, why don't you skip the ordeal bit?
You just hand the key over and I'll... I'll tell him that we ordealed.
When our order was founded, we were entrusted with the key.
It is one of the holiest, the most powerful of all sacred relics.
We must pass it on, but only to the one who survives the ordeal.
And if I fail, can I come back later for a second go?
Not really, my son.
If that should happen, you will, in all probability, be...
(LAUGHS) Well, be uncaring.
This is our wall of those who failed.
To ensure that they are none of them forgotten.
That is our burden also.
Memorial.
The first part of the ordeal of the key is the nice cup of tea.
Do you take sugar?
No, thank you.
-Is it poisoned? -Good gracious, no.
But this is part of the ordeal?
Part of the ordeal for us, not for you.
Ah. Rather nice tea, all things considered.
Would you mind if we just got on with the ordeal, please?
Not at all, not at all.
Well, lead on, McDuff.
Best of luck.
It's ''Lay on, McDuff'' actually, but I hadn't the heart to correct him.
He seems such a nice young man.
WOMAN: Don't get too near to him, Melanie.
Why do people like that stay alive, Mummy?
-Not enough guts to end it all. -Pathetic.
Jesus.
Hi, Dick. You all right?
Gary. You know who I am?
-You always were a kidder. -What's happening?
I'm not sure how to tell you this. It's a bit awkward.
-What's happening? -I'm not really here.
-Yes, you are. -No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
-Yes, you are. -No, I'm you, talking to yourself.
-Gary. -Maybe...
-Gary. -..this will...
You're standing at Blackfriars station at rush hour talking to yourself.
And you know what they say about people who talk to themselves.
I don't know who you are, but you're not very convincing.
You don't even look like me.
I am you, Richard. I'm whatever's left of your mind.
-Hi. -Concentrate.
-I'm Gary... -Look at this, please.
-..Perenu. -Try and see the people.
-I'm... -Sorry.
-Try and see the truth. -Is this some kind of a joke?
Try and see the people.
-Are you... -Gary Perenu.
Richard?
-Jess. -I'm afraid not. I'm still you.
But you have to listen, darling. You're the closest to reality you've been...
You people keep talking about the closest to reality.
The closest to sanity.
♪ For I couldn't leave her ♪
-Is this part of the ordeal? -Ordeal?
♪ If I tried ♪
With the Blackfriars who live under London.
There's a key I've got to get for this Angel called Islington.
-Be right with you. -Listen to yourself, Richard.
♪ I'm a believer ♪
Can't you tell how ridiculous all this sounds?
You're not going through an ordeal, Richard.
You had some kind of nervous breakdown a week ago. Cracked up, utterly.
I broke off our engagement.
Can I help you?
-You've been acting so strangely. -I'm not here.
It was like you were a different person. I couldn't cope.
-I'm warning... -Then you vanished.
I wandered alone and crazy through the streets of London.
Sleeping under bridges.
-I'm not here. -Eating food from bins and skips.
I'm not here.
Shivering and lost.
-Richard Oliver Mayhew. -And alone.
What?
Muttering to myself. Talking to people who weren't there.
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
Jessica, Richard...
I'm so sorry, Richard.
-Shit. -Sorry.
-Can I help you? -Richard, what are you doing?
(ECHOING) Sorry, Richard.
No.
Hello.
Oh, you still want someone to tell you what to do?
Richard, I'm you. Only advice I can give is what you're telling yourself.
Only maybe you're too scared to listen.
-You are not me. -Touch me.
(LAUGHS) See, I'm not here.
All it is is you talking to yourself, walking up and down the platform.
-Trying to get the courage... -Trying to get the courage to do what?
MAN ON PA: London Transport would like to apologise for the delay.
This is due to an incident at Blackfriars station.
Richard, your life is a joyless, loveless, empty sham.
-You got no friends. -I've got you.
I think you're a tosser.
I've got Door and Hunter.
-I've got Anasthesia. -More imaginary friends.
We all used to laugh at you round the office for those trolls.
Do you remember them on your desk?
(GROANING)
No.
JESSICA: Richard.
Come on, Richard.
-Jessica. -Come on.
Yes.
(CRYING) Help me.
Come on.
Richard, hold on.
Hold on.
-No. Stop. -Hold on.
(VOICES OVERLAPPING)
RICHARD: No.
Take the body, Brother Fuliginous.
-But, Father... -What is it?
He's not dead.
Oh. One of those, eh?
We'll look after the poor creature till it passes on to its ultimate reward.
Lead it to the infirmary.
I am not a poor creature.
I think I got through it.
-Unless this is more of the ordeal. -No, my son.
I think I'll have that cup of tea now, if you don't mind.
Of course. This way.
Excuse me, sir. Don't forget your key.
Oh, yes. Thanks.
''By my crooked teeth,
''who am I?''
DOOR: Richard.
We've lost the key.
God help us all.
Mr Croup, I want the girl called Door kept safe on her journey back.
Nothing must hurt her.
Safe? Right.
By the by, do you recall the Marquis de Carabas?
Of course.
I take it there is no such similar prohibition on extirpating him?
Not any longer. Just protect the girl.
What did he say, Mr Croup?
He said, Mr Vandemar, that we should do whatsoever we wished with the Marquis.
Did that include killing him painfully?
Yes, Mr Vandemar. I think, on reflection, that it did.
That's good, Mr Croup. Wouldn't like another telling off.
Better get rid of the body, then.