Sand.
Bone.
Sand.
Bone.
Sand.
Bone.
Sand & Bone. You deserve it.
We probably shouldn't watch this while driving.
But I'm so excited!
I can't believe your boss is gonna let us stay
at his sweet beach condo.
Spring break!
Whoa.
Mommy! You ready to have a week of fun on the beach?
Yeah!
Mr. Campbell just wants to ask you something
about whether you care if I stay at this school or not.
So, do you guys care if Candice stays at the school or not?
- Yes! - Oh, okay, just checking.
Some parents are just out of sight, out of mind.
You know?
So Candice needs to step it up then.
She's been failing all her recent tests.
How could Candice test so poorly?
Well, it's possible she's just...
you know... only cute.
My daughter is not cute.
I mean not just cute.
What can we can do to fix this?
Hello, I'm Brainio. A state-of-the-art robot tutor.
Let's improve your test scores. It's no big deal.
We'll just bring him on Spring Break with us.
Uh, actually, the loan-out company requires
Brainio to stay at your residence for charging.
So we can't go anywhere?
I mean, you are free to go anywhere.
Like to her old school.
Children, please! I paid for this bus with my own money!
Josh, we can't let her go back to that school.
Ah! People make too big a deal about test scores.
Candice is fine.
I wrote my name!
I can't believe that sweet condo
is just gonna sit empty all week...
I mean, it doesn't have to.
Oh. Right. You and Alex should go in our place.
Yes! Thank you! Alex?
I don't know. My idea of vacation is not lounging
on some overly-manicured beach.
Mmm, that's too bad.
I was reading this article about divorce sex
and thought we could try it.
- I'll get my swim suit! - Oh.
We were gonna have satisfactory marriage sex,
and they're gonna have gross hot divorce sex.
It's gonna be so weird and confusing.
Hey, we can have weird and confusing sex here.
I say we do a Spring Break at home.
An at-home-cation.
I'm too bummed to have a spring break.
We lost the condo, and Candice isn't smart.
I need to grieve. Whoo!
Aw! Come on, man.
One of the boys got out.
He's excited. Spring Break!
Josh?
Where's that music coming from?
Hi, Mommy! I can read the letters of the alphabet!
That's great!
Hey, you're just in time for the wet T-shirt contest.
Whoo! Wow.
Josh, this is awesome!
Okay, you're right.
As long as Candice is happy and doing well,
we'll give this at-home-caytion a shot.
Speaking of shots!
At-home-caytion!
Uh-oh.
Everything okay, Candice?
The questions are too tough.
Greg and Suzie are children, not childs.
And now because you got an incorrect answer,
a word from our sponsors.
Does your head hurt because your daughter
is struggling in school?
I'm a failure as a mother.
You deserve a foot massager from Toe Town!
Press the screen to buy now.
We can't afford a foot massager.
It's vacation! We can splurge!
Sand!
Bone.
Sand.
Bone? Ooh, that is hot.
- Right? - Wait, wait, wait.
Do that again.
Well, why don't you put your phone down
and get in the shell?
There's a pearl in here.
I'm talking about my uncircumcised penis.
It's a director's cut...
no cuts and longer than it needs to be.
Chill! We're gonna be here all week.
I just want to post this real quick
so it actually happened.
Do you have to do this right now?
Yes! This is prime posting time.
If I post it now and tag the location,
it has a chance of showing up in the Sand & Bone story,
which puts it in front of like 10,000 more followers,
which means more traffic.
Hey, wanna come try out the new hammock?
If you close your eyes, it feels like you're in Costa Rica.
- Yes! - No.
- Ugh. - She almost got one right.
Here is an easy one.
Which of the following sentences contains a prepositional phrase?
A prepo-what?
Prepositions got you down?
Prepo-who cares?
Maybe it's time for a prepo-zip-line vacation
in Costa Rica!
These questions are kind of hard.
I mean, even a smart kid couldn't get them.
Well, what's that supposed to mean?
No-nothing. I mean...
This stupid robot is ruining my life!
Josh, I didn't mean it!
It just slipped out. Let me go talk to her.
School is important, but it's better to just find
something you're passionate about.
For me, it was video games.
I wouldn't worry too hard about the test.
Thanks, Dad.
Okay, now, do you see here
where it says we need a password to access him?
Do you remember what the most common password is I taught you?
Oh, yeah, one, two, three, for, five.
Let me hear you say Divorsay!
Divorsay!
Look at these smartphone idiots.
They might as well be living in the goddamn Matrix.
You're preaching to the drum circle.
I just refuse to contribute
to this mind-numbing behavior
that has stopped us from connecting as people.
Oh, are you looking to connect with people?
Mm. Oh.
Oh. All right. Ooh.
Uh, uh. Ah.
Hey.
You're not gonna ask me
if I believe in the Lord of Light, are you?
Do you? What are you doing here?
I thought we were going to sand and bone.
Why? So you can tape it and see how many likes you get?
I'd rather connect with an actual person.
This is Toluca Lake.
She lives in a yurt, a totally unplugged lifestyle.
I don't even have a toilet.
Well, toilets don't plug in, so...
A toilet plugs into the sewer system,
which pollutes the ocean.
Isn't she great?
Are you really going to turn me down for Suzie's of Maine?
I'm actually from Oregon.
It was an actual deodorant joke!
I remember these jealous rages from when we were married,
and you know what? Not interested!
And I remember your need for approval from female randos!
Good one about the toilet, too.
Ooh, that really pissed her off.
Wow, you were not kidding.
What's with all that dinging?
Dinging!
Correct! What's going on?
Hi, Mommy. I'm smart now.
Of course you're smart.
I'm so sorry that I made you feel bad.
Congratulations.
All levels are complete.
♪ God bless America ♪
Aah! Do you know what this means?
Spring break!
Hey, guys! Sand & Bone is amazing.
Hashtag so happy! Hashtag 100% of my life is spent being happy!
Well, look who's here.
Hairball Houdini and Smelly Duvall.
We only came here so Toluca can use the bathroom.
We discovered something living in her pit.
Well, that's its home now.
Of course. Let's respect all creatures.
I'm going to go hit your pit.
We didn't even have sex.
We just talked all night.
I thought divorce sex was supposed to be fun.
I read that blog post.
It says that it's only fun if there's no strings attached.
We've still got strings.
- Yeah. Truce? - Truce.
The Spring Break crew has arrived!
- No way! - Oh, my God,
this place is ridiculous!
I heard the bathroom has a wine fridge.
What happened? Are you done with the robot?
Yeah! Candice crushed her tests.
So we bailed on Brainio for Sand and Bone-io!
Hey, Dad, did you order something from Brainio?
No. Why?
Violation! Violation! Violation!
- Aah! - Yo, yo, yo!
There is a woman covered in filth in the bathroom.
That's me.
Am I just drunk or is that the sounds of evil robot drones?
This wasn't in the video!
What is happening?
And why are we on La-Z-Boy chairs?
Pleather makes me rashy.
See, this is why you live unplugged.
Everyone close your eyes and repeat after me.
"I am in my body. I am in my body. I am... "
A quick brain scan told me that she was annoying.
I merely stunned her into a sleep-like state.
Josh Singleton, you have violated the lease agreement
by hacking Brainio and bypassing the commercials.
Josh, what is he talking about?
Candice and I changed his code
to make Candice get all the answers right.
What?! Since you tried beating the system,
you'll pay the price by watching commercials forever!
That's inhuman!
Yeah! Streaming got rid of commercials,
and I do not want to go back to the dark ages.
I should of never gotten her that robot tutor.
We should've just pushed her towards sports.
Candice, what are you doing?
Proving I'm not dumb!
Ah, no matter, I'm password protected.
You'll never guess my...
Uh, guys, there are a lot of buttons with letters on them.
Find the one that says "self-destruct," sweetie.
Uhh...
- Just reading about self-esteem. - Self...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G. D...
Hey, my Estruct T-shirt just came in the mail.
Not sure what it means, but I like it.
Self-destruct.
Self destruct!
No!
Ironically, I am proud of her!
To Candice.
Our smart little girl.
I'm proud of this one, too.
Three hours without checking her phone once.
How about it? Yeah, it died,
and I can't find any plugs.
Uh-oh.
Uh... hi, Mr. Salt.
Hi, Emily. I'm just calling to see
how you're enjoying the condo.
Oh.
Yeah, it's such a beautiful place.
Aw, that's great to hear.
So, uh, where is it?