Hello, I believe you were recently involved
in an accident that was not your fault.
Thank goodness you called!
Oh, you were?
Just now!
How-how ever did you know?
Can you tell me how it happened?
I'm not a 100 percent certain myself.
I'm lucky to be talking to you now to be honest!
It was touch and go there for a while.
Well, would you be interested in pursuing compensation?
Compensation? Really?
Yeah, you could be entitled to compensation.
Did you know that?
I have to say, what's your name?
Roger.
I have to say, Roger, you're terribly efficient.
Compensation hadn't even crossed my mind
at this stage.
I'm only now getting my breath back.
Where did it happen?
Up there.
Where?
There, up there.
In your home?
Yes, in my home.
Can't you see me?
No, I can't see you.
But when I fell into the toilet,
you saw that bit?
No.
What, you just heard the splash
and put two and two together?
No!
So you just called on the off-chance that
I'd fallen into the toilet?
That's very enterprising.
How much do you think I can get?
Well, are you the homeowner
or are you renting?
Um, yes.
Which one?
Which one what?
Which one are you?
Arthur, remember?
I fell down the toilet!
Are you renting or do you own it?
The toilet?
Came with the house, I think.
Look, the house.
Do you own the house?
I do!
Oh, I see what you're getting at.
I can sue myself!
Will that make things easier or more complicated?
No, no, you can't sue yourself!
Why not?
I think I've got quite a good case.
I might even settle out of court.
You can't owe yourself...
Oh, God!
You alright, mate?
I hate my job.
I hate it, I hate, hate, hate my job.
I hate my job.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Why don't you leave?
Maybe I will, maybe I will.
What is it that you do?
Cup of tea please, Sinem.
Been quite a morning.
So?
So what?
I'm giving you one chance.
Say it, let's have it.
You've got no excuse, I told you yesterday.
I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
Haaah...
Happy.
Bir...
Birthday,
Michael.
What was the first part again?
Happy birthday.
Oh! Thank you very much.
Wait a minute, that's not for months.
To me!
Unbelievable.
Well, I'm not supposed to remember every
sodding birthday, am I?
It's someone's birthday every day.
That's two years in a row now.
You always remember Eggy and John's.
Oh, that was a nice day.
Oh, when I hired the houseboat?
- Oh, wasn't it just, Eggy? - Oh,
it was lovely.
We had cocktails on deck and everything.
It did sink, though.
Only the front of it.
It was bone dry at the back, you just
couldn't get up there.
We almost drowned, Arthur.
John, do you remember when I hired the hot air balloon?
That was fun, wasn't it?
Yeah, but again, Arthur, we almost drowned.
Look, it doesn't bother me.
No, it does, it does.
I don't know, I thought we were...
Ah. You know what?
You're just you.
You're not being... you're just you.
What's so funny?
Nothing.
Happy birthday.
Get your filthy hands off my sister.
Maybe I didn't drop enough clues.
Was I too subtle?
Ah, I don't think you were too subtle.
Just to say, everyone, it's my birthday tomorrow.
It's just a general announcement.
It's not aimed at anyone in particular.
It's just, you know, when people are friends
it's nice to remember each others' birthdays.
It's kind of a way of showing that you're not unhappy
that they're alive.
Arthur.
Arthur!
Did you hear any of what I just said?
Sorry, Michael, I've got things on me mind.
I think the date might be up on one of me vouchers.
50p off a leg of Iamb. I'll keep that safe. Two-for-one gym membership.
Ooh, here it is, I was right!
This one's out today.
I've got to get meself down to Ann Summers,
whoever she is.
I bet he did remember.
He's just so cheap he doesn't want to have to
buy me a cup of tea or something.
Um, yes, um, sorry, I just have to...
What's so funny?
They're planning a surprise for Michael.
Please don't kiss customers on their birthday.
He's my boyfriend.
And a customer.
We don't want everyone thinking they get a kiss
on their birthday.
That's exactly the sort of thing idiot men
will start asking for.
You okay?
Get the banner up.
Oh, I can't wait to see his face
when he realises I'm not a terrible friend
as I have been pretending to be for a number of years,
to give him this surprise today.
It's a good thing Birdie overheard him talking to Sinem.
And then after dinner for which I've bought
a superb South American Malbec, I thought
we could watch Seven Samurai which is
my favourite film ever.
Hey, three hours long.
Oh, it flies by.
Can I cook at least?
No, no, Sinem, I'll do it.
I don't believe you.
You get insulted when people forget your birthday
and then when people remember you don't want them
to do anything for you.
I know.
On my 10th birthday, my dad promised me
a trip to the zoo.
Then on the day he decided to do a speech
at the dinner for Tommy Cooper instead.
Just like that.
Ever since, I've been in charge of
my own birthday and as a result
it's always just the way that I like it.
I suppose that makes me terribly anal.
What a strange place!
What is, Arthur?
Ann Summers. I don't quite know how to describe it.
It's a... it's a sort of...
What sort of place is this?
They had this, it was a... I don't know what it was.
But it lit up.
I think it had a bell on it.
Ooh, I don't know,
I know I don't want to go there again, though.
Did you not use your voucher then?
Oh no, I used the voucher.
Arthur?
Yes, Birdie?
Your man, Brian, he's just been telling
a terrible sad story.
Brian? You mean Michael?
Yeah, one of those names.
He was talking to Sinem.
What an awful, brutal childhood he had.
Really, Birdie?
Go on, then.
He wanted to go to the zoo, but his dad
took Tommy Cooper instead and now
as a result of it he has a tremendous anal problem.
Oh, right, that settles it.
We're going to give him a proper birthday.
I'm going to pull all the stops out,
no expense spared.
It's in here somewhere, I know it is.
Ah ha! Here it is!
I've been saving this.
What is it, Arthur?
This, Eggy, is the golden ticket.
Golden ticket?
Yes, you know, like from Charlie's Wonkie Willy Factory.
I'm going to give Michael a birthday to remember
if it kills him, I mean, me.
Surprise!
Oh! Aw! Oh!
Brian. Who's Brian?
Sorry about that, Birdie did that.
But make no mistake, we are here to celebrate you,
Brian. Uh, Michael.
Thank you very much, I don't know what to say.
Oh, the child-like delight in your eyes
says it all.
But it's not over yet.
For we are going on a magical mystery tour.
What?
We have everything planned.
Come on!
Your carriage awaits.
Oh, no, no, Sinem and I have something planned.
Did you know about this?
I did and they promised to get you back in time.
Fear not, we shall return you to your lady's arms
at the appointed hour.
Michael, for goodness' sake, be spontaneous
for once in your life.
Oh, alright, what the heck?
Arthur - I'm in your hands.
When can I take this off?
When we're there.
How long's the drive?
Well, an hour and a half.
I'm not wearing a blindfold for an hour and a half.
Go on then, take it off.
But you'll spoil the surprise.
Hello, Michael.
Where are we going?
Well, let me put it this way.
Do you like animals?
They're alright.
That's the spirit.
Well, we're all going to Felsted Safari Park!
Oh. Uh, wow. Okay.
Why?
Because your dad took Tommy Cooper to the zoo.
Because, sorry?
Couldn't get a voucher for the zoo,
but this is the next best thing.
Oh! Oh, you overheard me...
No, he didn't take Tommy Cooper to the zoo.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Thank you, Arthur, that's very thoughtful.
The voucher gives us 60 percent off a family ticket.
And the wife.
And a wonderful wife you are, dear.
Oh, okay, isn't Eggy coming?
Hello, Michael.
He's in the boot until we get him.
It only pays for one child.
Okay, so, Eggy's in the boot and
we're passing John off as a schoolboy?
That's about the size of it.
John does not look like a schoolboy.
Says you, Michael.
I'm sorry, you don't.
Now, boys.
Michael, John, I will turn this car around!
What do you think of the car, Michael?
It's an Austin Maxi, the Rolls Royce of the car world.
Can't be many of these still on the road.
I tell you something, you would not believe
how cheaply I was able to hire it for the day.
They were practically begging me to take it away.
Right.
Probably because there's a bit of a hole
under my seat.
Don't worry, though - I've stuffed a load of newspapers down there
so it won't get too draughty in the back.
This is the same car we went to my birthday in,
isn't it?
It is, Eggy.
You... you all nearly died, didn't you, that time?
We did.
But not because of the car though.
That was because I spent very little money
on the boat.
That's right.
Well, on John's birthday, you all nearly died
- then, too. - Oh,
that's right, we nearly drowned.
Er, luckily, no chance of that in a safari park.
A safari park.
We're going to a safari park on my birthday.
With Arthur. In this car.
The car is safe, isn't it?
Incredibly safe, for the money.
It's secure?
Bound to be secure, I would imagine.
Is it though?
Secure and safe, full stop?
Secure and safe, full stop, I would say.
Categorically safe and secure?
Categorically, in general terms, er, I would imagine so.
Arthur, can you assure me that this car
is completely safe?
Yee-es.
I'm going to die.
Arthur does like to cut corners.
I'm extremely frightened, we're going to
a safari park.
This doesn't feel safe,
I don't feel safe at all.
Well, I'm a bit worried about all of you now.
Maybe if you sneak away, they'll cancel it
and just come home.
You can make up an excuse later.
Sneak away?
Maybe.
I'll call you back.
Okay.
Michael?
What are you doing?
Just taking it all in.
So beautiful out here.
I suppose.
You coming, then?
Yup.
On my way.
Alright everyone, here we are,
you know what to do.
Now, now, dear, let's not argue.
Nag, nag, nag.
Oh, women, eh? They'll be the death of me.
Er, hello, my good man.
I have here a voucher for a family ticket please
for families, and we are a family,
as my wife and son will confirm,
although don't pay too much attention to my son,
he's shy.
I love you and I always will, despite what
my father decrees.
Yes, let's not get into all that now, Birdie,
my dear.
My father opposed our love.
That's not really an issue at the moment, Birdie.
We're going to a safari park.
And now we're a family with a lovely wee boy.
Yes, don't bring unnecessary attention
to John, Birdie.
What about him?
He's paying.
Here we go!
Ooh, isn't it exciting?
He's circling, he's circling back to attack.
A couple of elephants.
Hello.
Spotty horses.
Oh, look, what's up with them?
They must be poorly.
Oh, look who's getting a free ride!
Get down and walk like the rest of them!
Oh, signs in the wild?
It's coming to the car,
it's coming to the car!
You alright, Michael?
You sound highly stressed.
No, I'm fine.
Let's just get through this as quick as you can.
John, are you smoking?
Yeah.
Why?
It's just what you said,
try to be more like a schoolboy.
You know, crafty one behind the bike shed, sort of thing.
You're in the back seat of a car!
You're supposed to be with your parents.
Oh yeah, I suppose so.
Sorry, I'll get rid of it.
Monkey!
Oh look, it's the lions.
They're my favourite.
Why do you like lions so much, Arthur?
I don't, Eggy.
I can't stand them.
I find them arrogant, but they're not
so high and mighty now, are they, eh?
We're safe here in the car
and they're out there thinking about
how much they'd love to come and eat us.
Dream on you bloody idiots!
By the way, sorry again for forgetting to take
you out of the boot at the entrance.
Oh, don't worry about it, Arthur.
It happens.
Too late to do anything about it now anyway.
John?
I thought you were told to put that
cigarette out?
I did, Arthur.
- The floor's on fire! - Oh!
The cigarette set the newspapers on fire!
Why didn't you throw it out a window?
You're not supposed to have the windows open
in a safari park!
Alright, everybody out!
Oh my God.
What are they doing?
They're getting out of the car!
Arthur, we have to get back in the car.
But there's fire in the car.
There's lions out here.
But there's fire in the car!
They're looking over.
We have to get back inside.
But what about the fire!
What about the lions?!
Lions, fire, lions, fire.
It's a dilemma.
What does everyone else think?
You can't debate it!
Come on, John, you must have an opinion.
It's not my field, Arthur.
Who votes for getting back in the car?
There's no time.
On balance, I think we should get back in the car.
Get back in the car!
Okay, okay, they're getting back.
They're getting back out again!
There's too much fire in the car.
Everyone try to look a bit less like food.
Oh God, what are we going to do?
Eggy, how are you doing?
I'm not too bad, Arthur.
Are we home yet?
Not quite.
You have a bit of a decision to make, Eggy.
Oh yeah?
There's fire in the car but there's lions
out here.
Given those circumstances, do you want to
get out of the boot?
I tell you what, let me out and I'll have
a look at the situation.
Right you are.
There's a little old man in the boot.
What?!
Oh yeah, I see what you mean.
Alright, look, we're going to have to make
a run for it.
What?!
When I count to three, we all scatter
in different directions!
Hopefully the lions will become confused
and not know who to pick to eat!
Ready?
Fire away.
Ready.
We're going to do this?
Are we really going to do this?
One, two, three.
Oh no, look, the fire's gone out, back in the car.
The little boy, the little boy!
What's he doing?
Come on! Run!
What about John?
It's alright.
Look, they're not bothered.
I want to go home.
What about the alligators?
Now!
We have to pick up John.
Yes, of course, pick up John,
but then we go home.
But what about...?
Arthur, you nearly killed us.
I want to go home.
Oh, well, if that's the way you feel about it.
Thank God, the little boy.
Hello.
Hello?
Are you alright?
Oh, um, I'm sure that's nothing.
Actually, how about we get out and
stretch our legs?
No, I want to go home.
Just let's stretch our legs for a minute.
The car's broken down again, hasn't it?
No.
Oh, broken down, you said?
Ah, yes, it probably has broken down
is what I meant to say.
Get the AA.
The car's not with the AA.
It's with the AAA, they're a little cheaper.
But they promise to be out within 24 hours.
24 hours?
Alright, that is it.
I don't know what's got you so upset.
We had a nice time, haven't we?
No, no, we have not had a nice time, Arthur.
You nearly killed us.
You nearly killed us, Arthur, and you know why?
Because you cut corners, you cut so many corners
that you are literally putting lives at risk.
Well, maybe we can...
What, what, Arthur?
We're miles from anywhere.
You're a member of something called the AAA.
It is pouring with rain and now my phone has run out.
What do you suggest we do?
I'll go and see if I can find some help.
Can I get out now?
Come on, everyone, let's have a sing-song.
- ♪ Oh...! ♪ - Not now,
Birdie. Birdie, look, I'm not in the mood.
I could be home... nice food, bottle of wine.
- Instead I'm here. - Ha, ha!
That's true enough, you're definitely here.
How do you do it, Birdie?
How do I do what?
You're always so cheerful.
Why wouldn't I be cheerful?
I'm having a brilliant time.
How?!
I never thought I'd go to a safari park,
something like that.
It wasn't until I met Arthur that things like that
started happening to me.
I get a bit low sometimes, you know, but, like,
there's some lovely people there but
being at the shelter, you know,
you get the blues sometimes, you know that way?
Just nice to get away from it all for a while, you know?
Better to look at a lion for the day
than sheep for the rest of your life.
Oh, look, here comes Arthur.
Spotted a cafe over that way.
We'll have to get going though.
It's a long walk.
Arthur?
Can I just say I'm sorry for shouting?
No, no, no, you were right.
I wanted to give you a special day,
but I cut so many corners I just ruined it.
Just like when it was Eggy's birthday
and we all nearly drowned
or John's birthday and we all...
nearly drowned.
I can't do anything right.
I'm cheap.
I mean, who else carries a box of vouchers
around with...?
Vouchers?
Hang on. Birdie, have you got that
I gave you from Ann Summers?
I do, Arthur.
They're lovely stockings but they're not really my style.
Brilliant.
Eggy, when I give you the thumbs up
try the engine.
Oh, Arthur, you're...
You're not going to use it as a fan belt, are you?
I think that only works in films.
It's working, it's working!
Quick, get back in before it changes its mind!
Should get us as far as that cafe.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Michael ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
I'll be Mum!
I remember when I first met Michael.
There... It was, urm...
Enough of my stories!
Let's all raise a glass to the man
who has become a fixture in all our lives,
like a spoon, or a thing for salt.
See, that spoon's a bit dirty.
But, Michael... isn't.
He's clean, like a bar of soap,
or a washing machine.
Never once have I had to step in
and have a word.
To Michael!
Well, thank you very much.
It's the nicest roadside sausage birthday cake
I've ever had.
Mm. It's not bad, is it?
Mm. It's very dense.
I get the feeling there's more than one kind
of meat in here.
I like that in a sausage.
There's a lot going on.
Seriously, though, Michael, it's been
a pleasure knowing you these last few years.
I'll second that.
I don't really know you.
You'd do anything for anyone.
You haven't got a selfish bone in your body.
Very true, Eggy.
We could learn a lot from Michael.
Are you finishing that?
Do you want it?
Well, if you're not having it.
It's all yours.
Wanna get another round in?
Oh, thanks, Eggy, but,
just still working on this one.
Actually, I've... I've had a lot of fun,
so thank you, guys.
Ah, it's just a shame you won't be back in time
for Sinem.
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
What's this?
I got you one of those motorcycle shuttle services.
This bloke'II whiz you through the traffic,
get you back in time for your big night.
Oh, Arthur! That's so kind.
This must have cost you a few quid.
You don't need to say anything.
Just go!
Okay, lead the way.
Thank you, guys.
- Bye, Brian. - Bye, Michael.
And you didn't even need to use a voucher.
Oh no, I used a voucher.
Bloody helmet.
What's wrong with the helmet?
Oh, the visibility's very poor.
You do know that you're not actually
looking at me right now, don't you?
Oh, sorry.
Still not looking at me.
Sorry, this may seem like a silly question, but...
can you see?
I can see most things.
No hurry.
I said, no hurry!
Watch that rock!
It's a corner!
Well, we better start if we're walking back.
Oh, no.
I got us a taxi.
Ah, wasn't that a lovely day?
And no one drowned.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. Yes, quite a day.
Are you alright?
Ach, you know. Water off a duck's back.
Lovely.