This, these, this.
- Thank you, Michael. - Oh, please, it's a joy
receiving 15 letters a day addressed to
Arthur Strong Solutions, Arthur Strong Industries,
and Boogle.
What's Boogle?
It's a postal service, wherein people send me questions,
and I search for answers among my extensive files.
I charge a small fee.
Oh, I see, so it's like Google,
but very inconvenient and actually costs money.
- That's the idea. - Why Boogle?
- Oh, well that's the clever thing: comes first
In the phone book.
I'm always one step ahead, me.
Here.
There's no need for that.
It's not ideal for me either.
I'm the one that's had to have his letter box sealed up.
Why'd you have to do that, Arthur?
It's private, Eggy, I'd rather not discuss it.
I mean, what is going on here?
Oh, that's a fruit postal service
I set-up a subscription to.
Can you believe this banana made it
from the other side of the world in just five weeks.
So every time you fancy a banana, you just have to wait
five weeks until it plops through your letter box.
- Gosh, the modern world. - Good, isn't it.
No.
No, it's not, is it?
I can't work out how to cancel it.
Oh, Bulent, my good fellow,
how about a cup of tea on the house?
For all my years of dedicated custom.
This is a business.
I run a cafe; this is a cafe.
Alright, don't go on about it.
Dedicated custom, you do nothing for this cafe.
You use it like an office.
You bring your own food, you spend as little as possible.
What the hell?
You're having food posted now?
This can't be better than my prices.
Oh, God, what is this now?
He's won a set of encyclopaedias.
It's a jury summons.
Close enough.
Oh, my goodness, this is such an honour.
Oh, calm down, Meryl Streep,
it's not an Oscar.
No, but it's a sacred trust.
It's one of the cornerstones of our democracy.
I've always been able to get out of it.
Last time I was up for it,
I managed to convince the judge I was some sort of
unstable lunatic.
Come now, Bulent, a single cup of tea.
Michael will pay you for it when he gets back from
wherever he is.
Birdie, where's Michael gone?
Jury service.
God, Arthur, every few minutes
- you have to be told again. - After all I've done
- for this cafe. - What do you do
- for this cafe? - I'm your local colour.
I'm why the tourists come in.
You are a tourist repellent.
The last time there was a tourist here,
you thought he was picking a fight.
- He kept spitting at me. - He was Dutch.
Oh, well yes, hindsight
is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Isn't it, Michael?
Where's Michael gone?
- Birdie? - Oh.
Afternoon, all.
- Oh, thank God. - There he is,
Postman Pat.
Don't start calling me Postman Pat.
I'm doing you a favour.
You still haven't told us, Arthur,
why did you have to seal up your letter box?
Well Eggy, if you must know,
I caught a dog watching me through it
when I was in my underpants.
Remember the good old days, Arthur,
when you could just leave your front door open?
These days, it's just perverted dogs.
I had my Kevins on, maybe that was it.
Your Kevins?
Kevin Kleins.
They're underpants, which I'm told are quite fashionable.
- You wear Calvin Kleins. - Kevin, Michael.
Kevin Kleins.
They wouldn't do Calvin Kleins at the market.
About a week ago, I bought three dozen pairs,
along with a Carol Lagerfeld coat,
and a hat designed by Victor Beckham.
Sinem, can I get your opinion?
Do you think this jumper says "I respect the law"?
It actually does.
Michael, you're doing a good thing,
but you need to calm down a bit.
Oh, I'm just excited.
You should see the courtroom; it's very intimidating.
And, have you seen a judge up close?
They're much bigger than you think.
No, they just sit high up.
I think the judge and I have some sort of silent rapport.
It's like he knows I'd be a good judge,
if I wanted to be a judge.
Well, I think you have to be a lawyer first.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, pay for me.
Pay for my tea.
- What's the magic word? - Now.
Er, no.
No, I don't think so.
- What? - No.
Sorry Arthur, I'm not doing it anymore.
How dare you withhold money from Bulent.
If there's one thing that the last couple of days
have taught me, is that we are all part of a magical,
interlocking mechanism, that I like to call society,
and society only works if we are all pulling our weight,
otherwise, you're just like a dog
peeping through a letter box:
trying to get something for nothing.
Well, it appears we have reached an impasse.
I'm gonna have to live with that for the rest of my life.
He's a judge, you're in the jury.
You're not besties.
You're not peers.
- I want to kill myself. - Oh, please don't.
I can't be single again.
Michael...
I loved what you said yesterday, about society.
What a beautiful way of putting it.
The mechanism, yes.
In contemplating it, I felt very like
Professor Brian Cox does when he looks at a dinosaur,
or some salt.
I'm going to think about the bigger picture,
because we're all part of something bigger.
It really, really does make you think.
So, could I have a cup of tea now?
Go on, then.
Cup of tea, please, Bulent.
Oh, that's my phone.
- Hugely annoying. - I didn't choose it.
This is you, messing with my settings again.
People think I'm about to make a speech
every time I get a text.
I didn't mean to do that.
I was just trying to sort out your sodding ringtones.
Radiating chimes, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Just leave my phone alone.
Now I can't connect to the internet anymore.
Last night, I was woken up by a U2 album.
How did you get my pass code anyway?
Guessing four, three, two, one,
does not make me a criminal master chef.
Would it be a bad time to ask for my post?
I am not making a speech.
Oh, here, Michael, this is one of yours.
Oh, no, leave it, Eggy.
I'll give it to him later on.
I see you got your tea privileges reinstated.
Oh, Michael, he always comes good in the end.
There's nothing he wouldn't do for me.
Oh, ooh, what was that?
Oh, you all right, Arthur?
Ooh, I've got a funny warm feeling in my stomach.
Somehow, it seems to be connected with Michael.
Oh, I know what that is.
That's an emotion called gratitude, Arthur,
and most humans would have that.
Ooh, it's lovely.
It reminds me of when I was trying to get Michael
to get me a cup of tea,
when I was banging on about Brian Cox.
It's that sort of feeling.
I'd call it a Brian Cox rush.
Well, you were making a lot of sense back there,
even if you were just trying to get a cup of tea out of him.
Ooh, now I'm getting a sort of,
horrible, opposite feeling,
like someone has thrown salt on Brian Cox.
That's called guilt.
How do I get rid of the salty Brian Cox feeling?
And get the dinosaur one back?
Maybe you could do something nice for Michael.
I see.
You could pay him a visit at the courtroom,
- and give him a bust. - Great idea.
No, Arthur,
- he won't want that. - Oh, come on, Eggy,
don't be so selfish.
What could make him happier than looking up
and seeing a row of friendly faces?
Well, now you put it like that.
Yeah, that's why they have seats, you know,
so everyone can go and cheer.
It'd be like going to the films for free.
We'd only have to pay for ice creams and drinks.
I'm in.
What about you, Johnny, you coming?
There might be a juicy case on, like a murder,
or maybe they've caught a witch.
Better not, Arthur.
- Why not, John? - Well, Birdie,
in my youth, I fell in with a lot of bad apples,
and I wouldn't want them to see me in a courthouse
and think that I turned grass.
Oh, John, what are the chances of that happening?
If you're not in a firm,
and you're sitting in a courthouse,
it's just not a very good look, Arthur.
Oh, come on, stop thinking about yourself, John.
We're all part of something bigger.
Let's go and make this an unforgettable day for Michael.
This'II be the one.
Are you sure this is the right courthouse?
I am, Birdie.
It'll be in this one.
Ohh, look, the circus is in town.
Oh, this feels good, doesn't it?
I feel a warm glow.
You're doing something nice for someone, Arthur.
- That's the feeling you get. - Is it?
Look, there's Michael.
There you are!
Good luck, Michael.
With you all the way, Michael.
Could I have silence in my courtroom, please?
Oh look, it's the accused.
Hold on a minute, Birdie,
we don't know if he's guilty or not yet.
- Oh, yay! - Good luck, son.
Right.
Right, who said that?
Who's making all that noise?
The gentleman in the rain coat.
Can I have him removed, please?
- Oh, come on. - Me, why?
I haven't done anything.
What are you doing?
We just wanted to give you a bit of support.
- It's not a football match. - Alright,
alright, we're going.
Oh here, there was one for you in that pile of post.
You must have got it mixed up.
- Okay, give it to me. - I've got it here somewhere.
Hello, John.
Hello, Lou.
Well, what brings you here today?
- You been a naughty boy? - No, no, no, it's just...
What's going on with you?
Well, they brought Big Frank in.
Big Frank?
I didn't know he was out.
Yeah, they got him for GBH.
Somehow they got a witness to appear.
You know, had him here on a screen,
did something with his voice so you couldn't recognise him.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
What did you say you were here for again?
Hello, John.
Hello, Don.
- What are you doing here, then? - Well, that's what
- I've been asking him. - Didn't expect
- to see you here. - Well, that's what
- I've been thinking. - Hope you haven't
turned grass.
Yeah.
You know me, boys.
No, I'm working for another outfit now.
Oh, yeah?
Who's running it?
Arthur the Hat.
That's him over there.
Oh, well...
good to see you anyway, John.
Yeah, good to see you boys.
See you later.
Let's see where he's off to.
Hello, staff.
Can you get me CID?
They might wanna have a look at this.
Do you believe him?
Well I don't think he's a grass, Mr. Duncan.
Though he did join another firm.
What did he say his name was again?
- Arthur the Hat. - Arthur the Hat.
Never heard of him.
Well he's some sort of operator.
Yeah.
Got a good look at him
oiling up a juror from another trial.
I'm a little insulted.
John told me he was going straight,
and now here you are, telling me
he's got a new best friend.
I thought I was his best friend.
Well, with respect, Mr. Duncan,
looks like things have changed.
Have they now?
Yes.
Here, you are, mate, you've dropped a tenner.
Whoo-oo-oo-oo-ooh...!
Ooh! Woo-oo-oo-oooh...!
Well, I do apologise for that interruption.
Perhaps I should give some explanation
about what has just transpired.
There are three conditions by which a charge like this
may be considered successful.
First condition...
Ringtone, under "Ringtone".
You shouldn't be messing with his phone, Arthur.
Bloody radiated chimes.
But that's not highlighted, "Record your own" is highlighted.
Ooh, here comes Michael.
I'll take it into the toilet and fix it in there.
Now that I'm in the toilet,
I might as well make the best of it.
Ooh. Lovely, warm seat.
Someone must have just left it.
This feels like it's going to be a painful one.
Better hold off to the side.
Here you go, Eggy.
- What's this? - It's a list
of tools I'm hoping to get a lend of.
I'm removing the tree from her-next-door's garden.
Ooh, I'll tell you what, Eggy,
I can't get enough of being lovely to people.
I'm getting a massive buzz off of it.
Use a toothpick, will you?
What's this say?
- Tramps. - Tramps.
Bin bags, can't you read?
- Squadron. - Hand saw.
- Pending. - Shovel!
It's your writing, Arthur.
Oh, I'll just tell you, you write it down.
Are you alright?
It's just something gone down the wrong way.
I'll be alright.
What is it?
These guys are no good.
Look, like they own the place.
Can I help you?
Might as well do some business while we're here.
Yeah, actually.
Oh, hello, darling.
Something struck her as funny?
- I said, can I help you? - Yeah.
Well, we're doing a Neighbourhood Watch scheme.
You know, keeping an eye on some of the businesses
in the area.
Thought you might like to contribute
a small amount, to cover our expenses.
- Right, we'll need an axe. - Axe.
Biggest one they've got, one you can really get hold of.
Yeah, yeah.
I've got yer.
Are you sure, mate?
I mean, it's not much money for peace of mind.
I think we're okay...
mate.
- Good, sharp saw. - Okay.
What's that for?
We can't get rid of it all at once.
We have to saw the limbs off,
bring it all out in pieces.
I like the way you're thinking.
Oh, bin bags, we don't want to leave any mess.
Yeah, yeah.
I've done this before, Arthur.
Psst. Ron.
What?
Hah!
- You know those guys? - What guys?
Oh, and I want to get her a little present.
How about some lovely chrysanthemums?
Will you have a drink?
He's the real deal, Mr. Duncan.
Is he, now?
Yes.
I want to meet him.
See what he's made of.
- Bring him over. - What if he says no?
Take young Bobby with you.
But Mr. Duncan, this is my new suit.
Can I at least go home and change?
No, leave it on.
It'll encourage you not to lose their head too much.
We'll see.
Come on, boys.
Hoi!
There it is.
Silly boy.
Yeah, we've got one.
Eggy, I've got something for you.
Do you want this?
Your fly rod?
But that's your favourite, Arthur.
I know, I can't help myself, Eggy.
Arthur, you've gotta face it;
you're addicted to feeling like Brian Cox
when he looks at things.
You're right.
I'm chasing that Brian Cox feeling.
Helping old ladies across the street
just doesn't do it for me anymore.
Everyone's talking about how you've changed.
I'm worried about you, Arthur.
I can handle it, Eggy.
I can quit any time I want.
Anyway, take it, take the rod, take it.
Oooh, ooh, uh...
No, I don't want to be a part of this.
Oo-oo-ooh..
Which one?
- Him with the hat? - Yeah, that's him over there.
Oi, you Arthur?
Hold still, you're just making it worse.
Eggy, get me the disgorger!
It's gone behind a molar, I can see it.
I'm gonna be able to get that out.
Go, go!
We just wanted to talk.
Yeah, that's right.
You'd better run.
Michael Baker?
Yes.
I'm arresting you on suspicion of
perverting the course of justice.
You do not have to say anything,
but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention when questioned
something you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
What?
- Sir? - Come on, sir.
Oh, my God, is this really happening?
This is really happening.
How is this really happening?
Is this really happening?
I just, I just wanted to be good!
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, that's Arthur.
You know him, do you?
Yes.
He was just giving me my post.
It was just a bloody pizza menu in the end.
A pizza menu?
- In an envelope? - Yes.
I don't know why they do it.
You see, Baker, we've been looking into your Mr. Strong.
It seems he's been causing some ripples
in the exciting world of organised crime.
Organised crime, Arthur?
Arthur couldn't organise anything.
Well, if that's the case,
you won't mind doing us a little favour.
Well yes, yes, yes, of course.
Just have a little visit with your friend.
Ask him how his week's been.
Get the gossip.
A wire?
You want me to wear a wire
and speak to Arthur?
Looking at seven years otherwise.
Seven years' what?
Well, prison.
I could go to prison?
Look at him in his Carol Lagerfeld coat.
I am entering the cafe.
I am sitting in the cafe.
Michael, sit.
Approaching target.
So, what's been going on?
'Cause, um, I haven't been around a lot, have I?
So, whatever's happening has nothing to do with me.
- Whatever's going on. - What are you on about?
Why did you come to the court to see me?
Remember?
Oh, that was just to show my appreciation
for all you do for me.
So much you do.
Just my way of saying "thank you".
- Stop it. - No, no.
I won't stop it.
This is the new me, Michael.
I'm nice now, I just want to be nice to everyone.
He's onto us.
Shift.
Sorry, we're in the middle of something.
I'm going to sit over there now,
because I want to, suddenly.
You think you're an operator?
Big man around town, everybody knows your name.
Passing out favours, friend of the community.
Is that Eddie Duncan?
That's Eddie Duncan.
Very clever.
I like it.
Oh, thank you very much.
But I want you to understand something:
you are a bug to me; I could crush you
just by shifting my weight.
Sorry, who did you say you were again?
His name's Eddie Duncan,
- Mr. Eddie Duncan. - Calm down,
there's no need for bedlam.
After all, you've already showed me what you're capable of.
And we've both too much at stake to start a war.
Things are going well for me at the moment;
money's rolling in, we've even got a judge on the payroll.
A judge?
What's his name?
Is he alright?
He's alright.
Clayton.
- That's my judge. - Since when?
That's our judge.
I'm gonna make you an offer.
Just a goodwill gesture you'd be wise to accept.
Oh, I see, you want to give me something. Ah! Ahh!
You're like me.
You're trying to get that buzz.
- Do what? - That Brian Cox feeling.
I completely understand.
It's highly addictive, isn't it?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.
What did you want to give me?
Territory. I'm willing to let you have
everything between Lennox Street and Mount Street.
Everything between Lennox Street and Mount Street?
- Is that all yours? - Yeah, and now
I'm giving it to you.
Even the Specsavers?
Yeah.
And the travel agent?
Yes, all of it.
I own the Specsavers and the travel agent?
- Well-- - That's very generous of you.
Ooh, you must be suffering a massive explosion in your head.
Take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
And now, I'm going to give it all away.
Don't, Arthur.
It's too generous.
Your system can't take it.
I don't care, Eggy, I'm going for it.
Birdie, do you want a couple of roads?
I don't know how, but somehow I own them.
They're yours if you want them.
Oh, alright.
Wuuur! Oooh, ooh...
Oh, this is the best one yet.
We did this.
We're gonna put away a real bad guy.
I still don't really know what happened there.
Where's John?
I haven't seen him for a few days.
Good morning, sir, how can I help you?
One ticket to Uruguay.
I suppose you want payment for that.
It's on the house.
Any chance of a biscuit?
And then, in the course of this,
you learned Judge Clayton was, as they say,
in the pocket of Eddie Duncan.
That's right.
The same Judge Clayton you see here today?
Yes.
Yes, that's him there.