Look at all of the makeup Bridget bought. Can you believe it?
Look… fourteen dollars for whatever this is.
Eyelash curler.
And thank heavens she got more lip junk.
Lip gloss.
Rory, there's a ball game on channel seven. Watch it.
Hey, guys. Hey, Care Bear, look at this, this…
You know, not now, Dad. I have to get ready for my date with Kyle.
Wait, that's your stuff? I can't believe it's already so late.
I still have to straighten my hair, crimp my eyelashes,
create cheekbones out of practically nothing
which is totally your fault… flat faced.
Flat… flat… I do not have a flat face. Come on.
Well, anyone looks flat in a toaster.
Look Kerry, I've got to tell you something in all seriousness,
ever since you started dating Kyle you've changed.
You're different. You're more... More Bridgetty.
Rory! You're more Bridgetesque.
You know, how could you compare me to Bridget?
Where's my new sparkle lip gloss.
Okay, I know I bought new sparkle lip gloss.
Oh my God, where's my new sparkle lip gloss?
Is this it? He touched it all over.
I miss the old Kerry. The depressed one without a boyfriend?
Yeah.
Why do bad things always happen to me?
Bridget, nothing bad ever happens to you.
Yeah. But today, I heard Mom is gonna teach 'Sex Ed'.
- In my class. - It's true.
Dad, why do bad things happen to superficial people?
Rory, I don't know but I know why bad things happen to smart alecks.
'Smart aleck'? You know, words hurt, Dad. Flat face.
So, what, you're teaching Sex Education? Oh Yeah.
The school needed a nurse to fill in because Miss Callahan got the 'flu.'
Really? I heard she got knocked up.
So you just say 'yes' without even totally considering
how it could completely ruin my life?
Bridget I think it's an honor your mother is going to teach you Sexual Education.
After all, she taught me.
Do you guys not understand what situation I'm in here?
I mean, Donny Doyle's coming in this weekend to see me.
- So?
So, people already perceive my dating Donny as a slap in the face,
I mean, you know he's older, he goes to the Naval Academy instead of a school,
and then Danielle's going to this party this weekend, and she's all.
'You better be there' and I'm, 'Yeah' but Donny's, 'No, I don't wanna share you, '
which is actually very sweet, but that's just the sort of thing.
Danielle's gonna use against me, and then, You! have to go
and exacerbate the whole thing by teaching 'Sex ed' at my school.
On the bright side, she did say 'exacerbate.'
Yeah, honey, I think you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
You wanna weigh in here, Paul?
Look, it's just two classes.
And I will try very hard not to draw attention to the fact that I'm your mom.
And that's how Bridget was born!
This movie sounds good. 'High octane butt kicking from start to finish.'
Far be it from me to disagree with Jeff Paisley from the
But I really wanted to see...
It means, 'Love is the water of the heart.'
That doesn't sound as full of high octane.
Come on, Kyle. It's made by this really amazing avant garde French director.
He uses silence in a way that it almost becomes a character.
This guy? He uses his butt cheeks to talk.
We can't even agree on a movie.
Sometimes I feel like we have nothing in common.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
- Wanna make out? - Sure.
Whoa… hey, Lord of the Manor present.
We weren't doing anything.. Oh my God, Dad do you have to...
Walk in on you and your boyfriend? Yes.
Do I have to call that your 'boyfriend'? Yes.
Do I have to torture you with a dance like…
instead of leaving you alone? No…
but you did call me a 'Flat face'.
You still here?
- No. - Thank you.
Call me later.
So, Care Bear, I hear you're interested in seeing that new French movie.
How long were you standing there? Don't worry, I had a chair.
Listen, I was thinking, you know what might be fun is if, we sort of saw
that movie together tonight. Sort of a "Father Daughter Foreign Film Night".
I'd rather stay home.
Good. Hey Kerry, we're going to have a "Father Daughter Stay At Home Dance Night".
Yeah… get your groove on!!!!.
OK, okay… we'll go to the movie! Just stop doing that!
Works every time!
- Hey, Cate! - Oh, hi honey.
Kerry and I are going to see a foreign film tonight.
That's so nice.
You know we're not sitting together, right?
I'm excited, too!
Okay, Mom. I parked the car.
It's all snug in its spot in the garage just like how Dad's sperm snugly parked
itself into your egg when you decided to have sex and ruin my life.
I came up with a little car analogy for the class.
Cute. What do you mean 'little' car?
It was the worst day of my entire life.
Worse than the time you wore a black skirt and a black top to school..
..and you didn't notice they were two different blacks..
..till you got home and I showed you?
That's it, Rory! We're canceling Bravo.
You said you wouldn't embarrass me, Mom.
You said no one would know you were my mother.
I know honey and I was trying so hard not to, it just blurted out.
You could have stopped at how I was conceived.
You didn't have to tell them where.
You don't even like the beach! God, this is so unfair!
Did she say penis? -I am never showing my face at that school again.
Penis and vagina? Rory, we don't say those words.
- Why not? - I don't know.
- Did you have a rough day today? - No it wasn't that bad.
But I found out tomorrow I have to talk about contraception,
and the only thing the school will let me discuss is abstinence.
Finally, our tax dollars put to good use.
I don't know, I think it's irresponsible to say abstinence is the only option.
I see teenagers at the hospital every day and they're in trouble already.
They need to know about safe sex.
Or, you could teach them that sex is ''bad''.
That if they have it they'll go blind or go to Hell.
You're the teacher. You decide.
Hi, guys. How was the movie?
- Fine - Fine
Did something happen?
There was this scene, this scene was so incredibly...
European.
- Hot sex? - Rory!
Sorry. Did I crack your code?
- So what did you do? - Nothing.
You did nothing? Yes, I did nothing. What else could I do?
Well, you could have left.
Oh, yeah. I never thought of that.
- I'll go talk to her. - It's okay.
Wow, you saw the water bottle scene with Kerry?
You know about the water bottle scene?
Oh yeah. The water bottle scene's famous.
All my friends are downloading it off the Internet. Not me, though.
Because I'm not old enough to see that kind of thing.
And it's illegal. And it objectifies women.
Wait a minute, all your little friends are watching that scene from that movie?
The water bottle scene is like my generation's Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee tape.
Which of course, I have not seen either.
But, maybe you should take Kerry to see it.
Well, it's getting late. Yes, it is.
How do you say goodnight?
And your mom's the teacher.
I'll call you next week.
Will you? Well, thanks so much.
- I had loads of fun. - So did I.
Goodnight, Woody. Goodnight, Anne.
And thus Woody leaves, knowing with great pride
that this is another night he did not have sex.
Okay. So, that's abstinence.
Clearly it's been around forever.
Yo, Ms. Henn, that movie was all rated 'G' and what not.
Nah, it was less than 'G, ' it was like... 'F.'
Yeah, Woody's got no game.
Look, if you have something to say, please raise your hand.
Anthony.
Yeah, dawg be cold saying hasta to a lady with such a fine,
cup sitting booty like that.
But I'll bet my money that dawg be walking all swishy swishy,
playing for the other team and what not, you know what I'm saying?
We all have certain 'urges'.
Hey Bridget, your mom just said 'urges.'
Kill me.
And if you respect yourself, you will shut down those urges.
She totally said it again.
And then, when you've finally made a commitment to get married,
and you finally satisfy those urges...
Stop saying 'urges!'
There are other words.
It will be all that much sweeter because you waited.
Waited? Dang, this sucks!
She's trying to turn us into a bunch of Woodys.
All right, kids. Okay. I could get in big trouble for telling you this,
but there are alternatives to abstinence.
What are some of those alternatives, Bridget's mom?
Well, Jenna, rather than speak in generalities,
why don't we just answer some of those questions..
you submitted to Miss Callahan last week?
Let's see.
'I have a much older boyfriend who lives in Maryland.
He's coming to visit me this weekend and I'm feeling pressure to have sex.
What should I do?
And I think you should know, I'm really gorgeous.'
Well, I'll tell what you should do.
ABSTINENCE!!!
Abstinence! You hear me, missy?!
Whoever you are.
Paul, how many times you gonna read that thing?
The words aren't gonna change.
Donny Doyle is coming over to our house to have sex with our daughter.
Oh, he's gonna be having sex all right, but it's not gonna be with our daughter.
What does that mean? I don't know.
You just gave me this ten minutes ago. I'm still formulating a plan.
I'm just so disappointed with myself.
I sounded like my mother. I actually think I said the word 'missy.'
And I actually believed Donny when he told me that he was choosing celibacy.
A teenage boy doesn't choose celibacy.
Celibacy chooses ..you… him… a teenage boy.
What are we gonna do?
Look, Cate. We can't just talk to Bridget about contraception.
You might as well just fluff her pillows and make her
some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
You are aware, Paul, that only works for you.
Don't you see, that if we do that, it'd be like we're giving
her permission to have sex. And if we tell her: 'You can't have sex',
you know she's definitely gonna have it.
Why couldn't she have been born hideously ugly?
- Ugly people have sex, too. - Ughh
I just, you know, it's just such a confusing time for these kids.
The media bombards them with all these sex images.
Why do they have to make it look so damn appealing?
I blame the French and their crazy sex water.
As do we all, Paul.
Okay look, you know we are going to have to talk to her.
Fine. We'll talk to her before her date with Donny.
It's so hard to be a girl.
You like a guy so much and you just want to be with him, it feels so right.
Is that how you feel about me?
- Sometimes. - Sometimes?
Oh, God help us.
People were butt naked, moaning like no tomorrow,
and I'm sitting like this close to Dad.
Hello, my social standing could be impacted for decades
the way Mom's talking about how everyone has these urges.
Oh yeah? Well I started to choke on a popcorn kernel
and oxygen cut off to my brain and everything went black.
Mom said 'vulva.'
You win.
Kerry, could you go downstairs for a second? We wanna talk to your sister.
- Sure, Mom. Dad. - Kerry.
I want to look absolutely perfect for my date with Donny tonight.
What do you think of this top? I think it should stay on.
I need something that says I'm older, more sophisticated.
Something that says I'm a woman. 'Cause tonight's a Big Night'.
No, tonight is not the big night and do you wanna know why?
I'll tell you why... Cate
Honey, your Dad and I were together
for a long time before we had a 'Big Night.'
And might I add, we were deliriously happy with all of our little nights.
Years and years of little nights, little teenie weenie nights.
He said 'teenie weenie.' Bridget. What?
Look, what we're trying to say is that Sex is a big step. For all of us.
And we in no way want you to have sex.
We are not giving you permission.
What are you talking about? Fine. You want me to say it? I'll say it.
Safe sex, condoms, you know the drill.
Look, what your father is trying to say is
that when it comes to sex, we trust you to act responsibly.
What is with you people? You're all just sex, sex, sex.
It's like you have a one track mind and it's all...
what chama call it... sex.
Honey, we know you wrote that question.
What question?
From the girl whose boyfriend is coming from Maryland
and he's coming to town to, you know.
You thought that was me?
No, that was totally written by that new girl who came from Maryland: Lara O'Neal.
And she's definitely not gorgeous. Talk about over inflated self esteem.
If somebody's willing to sleep with her, she should jump on it.
Looks like someone got a little paranoid.
Oh gosh, I gotta go. How do I look? Wow. Really good.
Bridge, since, you and Donny aren't having sex, what's up for tonight?
PG movie, home by eleven, "You know the drill".
You know after the movie why don't you and Donny stop by so we can say hi?
No. I told the Doyles after the movie,
I'd be Mary Ellen's partner in Bible Trivia.
Godspeed!
Oh my God, this movie sounds amazing.
I'd show you the water bottle scene, but my Dad made me
delete it from my hard drive. Luckily, I've got it all up here.
- Hey. - Hey. Out.
Hi.
You know, I was a jerk the other day.
I was totally wrong about that French movie.
It was important to you, all right?
And I think we should really go see it.
You heard about the scene?
There's a sexy water bottle scene?
I had no idea.
Go home.
I hate having a smart girlfriend.
Dad. Kerry. Care Bear, hang on.
Wait a second. You know what? We have to talk.
I don't wanna talk! I think we should, about the moo… the…
you know, what we saw the other day. What? What?
It's just that, you know, remember when that guy came with the...
well, the truth, the thing is… you know what?
Never mind. Carry on, goodnight.
No, wait. No, not goodnight!
Dad, we have nothing to be embarrassed about.
You're right. 'Night. No, wait. Dad!
Come here, sit down.
Okay, you were thinking, should you cover my eyes?
Or, should you laugh? Or should you just do nothing,
because, you know, let me draw my own conclusions
and instead of treating me like a child?
Yes, that was one!
Right, okay, but you have to admit it was really weird.
Oh, God. That was one of the weird… especially… I could…
Okay, Dad, stop. Stop worrying.
I mean, I'm not scarred for life.
And despite being temporarily totally creeped out,
I didn't hate having a father daughter thing.
- Good. - Okay.
So we can do this again sometime? Yeah. In like a billion years.
It's a date.
The boy!
Come here. Hey! Right here, sit down, park it.
Hey, Ror. Boy, I'll tell you something. It is not 'E-A-S-Y'
being the father of teenage girls.
But I think I'm really evolving.
And as for you, young man, did you delete your downloaded movies?
Look, 'Officer Internet',
if you're so worried about obscene material, you should
probably take a look across the street. What do you mean?
Your daughter's alone with a sex starved
sailor who hasn't seen a woman in months.
Rory, she is not alone. She's with the Doyles.
And even if she wasn't, I trust my daughter.
Does it concern you that the Doyles' motor home is not in the driveway?
No. There could be a thousand reasons why their camper's not in the driveway.
Like it's in Branson with the rest of the Doyles?
Where it's been since Thursday?
Where they're celebrating the Osmond family reunion?
Cate, are you hearing this? Bible trivia, my ass!
I hate the French!
Back to the Internet.
Lara O'Neal? Lara O'Neal?
Lara O'Neal, new girl from Maryland?
Does anyone know a Lara O'Neal?
Anyone?
I'm sick.