If you fancy a bit of pet therapy,
I'm sure that Bertie will be delighted to see you.
Stingy sods! That's not enough for Wendy's alimony, is it?
This is Wendy! She's written her book!
It's for kids. It's absolutely not for you.
- Well, this is all about us. - What are we going to do?
Hope that the Lemming Family just sinks without trace.
The Lemming Family, which has just been awarded the prestigious
Prendergast prize for children's literature. Wendy Stevens.
Lemming-gate!
Argh!
♪ Have I the right to hold you? ♪
♪ You know I've always told you ♪
♪ I've loved you from the very start ♪
♪ Come right back ♪
♪ I just can't bear it ♪
♪ I've got some love and I long to share it ♪
♪ Come right back, right back where you belong ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ You belong... ♪
- Yes, I know. - You've said that.
You've said it 50 times! Oh, Joan! Listen...
... Roger is a lovely boy, he's got a kind heart.
Yes, well, you shouldn't have left it on the landi...
Look... not everyone knows how to cook kippers, Joan.
Not... Joan, I'm going to have to go. We'll speak later, bye.
(FRUSTRATED SCREAM)
(SHE LAUGHS)
- Something's happened. - Something's happened.
- Tell me! - Dugdale's made an offer.
Oh, Phil!
Oh!
I hoped he would, I thought he might. Well, that's wonderful!
- You'll accept? - Oh, I have.
Yes. Oh, yes.
It's a big house for one. What's he going to do with it?
Four-star dog kennel, I should think.
- Lucky dogs! - Yes...
- So... - ... finally.
No more tricks, please, God.
Nothing more from your practical jokes department, hm?
You're having doubts.
- Why do you say that? - Aren't you?
Well, I'm...
I'm worried, but not about me. I'm worried about you.
I mean, I'm dragging you along in all this stuff, and...
- Well, you are. - Well, supposing your dreadful sister is right.
I mean, supposing we get there, and find we don't like it,
or that we can't stand the sight of each other.
Well we won't know till we give it a try, will we?
God, you're brave.
- Where's your list? - Oh! Er, yes... Well, number one is...
There we are. Here, number one, we get married.
Number two, get married.
Number three, GET married.
Four, sell house: tick!
Number five, decide on destination.
Well, we'd better get going on those marriages.
Got a particular date?
Friday the 13th?
Oh, clever! That'll be a slow day!
(THEY LAUGH)
Ah! A stitch! I've got a stitch.
- It happens. - Oh, I haven't had a stitch since I was a kid.
- Sandra? - I'm going to lie down, you go on.
Wake me up on the way back.
Will you marry me?
- What?! - Ah!
Perhaps I should have asked your mum first.
No-go there. Mum's already fixed up to be married to Phil.
For her consent, obviously.
Obviously.
She'd say you were crackers.
What about you? Do you think I'm crackers?
I'll have to get back to you on that.
This has come as a bit of surprise, hasn't it?
- Not entirely, no. - Really?
You seemed a bit... taken aback.
Well, I had to look like that, didn't I? I wouldn't want
you to think I was taking it for granted.
Were you? Did you?
- Frankly, yes. - When?
- When what? - Our wedding.
Ah...
Any Monday afternoon, half-day closing.
Preferably, before Mum and Phil get married.
Mum won't mind us beating them to it, but Phil...
- Phil will go bananas! - Ooh.
Do we want him to go bananas?
I like to get him going!
And...
... our age difference.
Is that a problem?
Hell, no. I won't have to wait so long to inherit.
Well, I could always make it worth your while.
And what with being with you...
... makes me young.
Keeps me going.
Drat, I hadn't thought about that.
I've put an offer in on Phil's house.
What?!
Oh, good grief!
- Is that... is that an inducement? - If you like.
I do.
I like that house very much.
I had no idea you were so rich.
I'm not.
- I'm relying on you. - Oh, my God.
Barking... and wildly optimistic.
Is that a yes, then?
Oh! I see you've bought a copy of the prize-winning Lemming Family.
- Yeah. - Yes, we heard it was good.
Oh, it is. It's very good.
- I'm in it. - Really?
- I am. - Are you?
Queenie Lemming, the cleaning lady, is based on me,
Queenie Gale, the cleaning lady.
Oh... (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
Would you like my autograph? I could sign it for you.
Yes, please.
♪ Goodnight Vienna ♪
(VIOLIN AND KAZOO ACCOMPANIMENT)
♪ You city of a million melodies ♪
♪ Our hearts are thrilling to the strains that you play ♪
♪ From dawn till the daylight dies ♪
♪ Enchanted city of Columbine and Pierrot ♪
- ♪ We know the magic of your spell ♪ - (COINS CLINK)
♪ Of our romances, you're the hero ♪
♪ Now is the time to say farewell. ♪
Yes, now is the time to say farewell, thank you very much.
(SPECTATORS PROTEST)
Oh, buzz off! We're listening.
Listen, that's it, it's finished now.
What's the matter, you got out of bed the wrong side this morning?
- We've had complaints. - Who's complained?
- Shopkeepers. - Name two.
Move along now, please. Thank you.
Oh, it's pathetic! Absolutely pathetic.
Why don't you go and catch some proper crims,
instead of hanging around here, spoiling people's fun?
- We were enjoying that! - (CROWD AGREE)
Move along now, please, guys.
And that means you too, madam.
I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying here.
We're not causing an obstruction.
The only thing that's going on here is people feeling happy.
Is that a crime now?
There's no need to make things difficult.
You're the one that's making it difficult.
There's not enough fun to go around as it is.
(CROWD AGREE)
We could charge you.
Ha-ha! Not a chance.
- No? - Never.
I wouldn't be so sure, love.
You're not going to charge me.
- How's that? - Bureaucracy.
You don't want to spend long, tedious hours down at the station
filling in a charge sheet.
Wasting all this time - and taxpayers' money - on a harmless
frail, little old lady like me.
You like a bit of trouble, don't you?
Mm, in moderation.
(SPECTATORS LAUGH)
All right.
- ♪ Goodnight Vienna... ♪ - (KAZOO PLAYS)
(CROWD CLAP)
Queenie's some girl.
Aye, sure is.
They've really got it in for us, those two coppers.
Aye, they aren't making it any easier for us, are they?
And I've still got all this alimony to pay to Wendy.
The dreaded alimony.
You'll be all right.
You can go back to caring for your Auntie Joan, eh?
- She gave me the sack. - No!
I was doing my best, I really was.
She's a tyrant! "Don't do this, don't do that," nonstop.
And moaning on and on about there not being any sheepdogs on the telly.
- And she took a dislike to Methuselah. - She didn't!
AS PUPPET: She did. It was very hurtful.
So, you're out of a job?
Yeah, with all this alimony to pay.
I know someone that does these...
... little shows at kids' parties.
Maybe we could do something there?
PUPPET VOICE: Oh, I'm up for that!
Yeah, sounds interesting.
Not you.
What?!
Well, you'd be a liability.
I'm great with kids!
I make them laugh. Kids love me.
PUPPET VOICE: Let's do it.
Oh, no, we've got this family confab...
- Erm, it's about Wendy's book. - The book?
Yeah, Phil thinks it's about damage limitation.
But I'm in the book. I should be there!
Baz The Burglar Lemming?
Aye, and I'm badly damaged!
Well, you're not invited.
Well, invite me!
So, let's get all our ducks in a row before Wendy arrives.
The Lemming Family,
Roger's wife's extremely badly-written children's story.
Ex-wife, ex. I've got nothing to do with it.
Roger, listen to Phil.
The malice, the vitriol,
the venom gushing out of this book, it has no source?
I'm just an innocent bystander.
Oh, typical!
It won a top literary prize. How can it be badly written?
I do not know, but it is, believe me.
And unfortunately...
... it is based, absolutely shamelessly, on all of us.
It's just a bit of a laugh.
I get discounts everywhere.
- Discount? - Mm!
When I tell them I'm the real Queenie Lemming.
I got a free pizza the other day.
Free pizza?!
I don't want a free pizza.
With a nice Coke thrown in for good measure.
See, Queenie's right, this could work to our advantage.
Who exactly are you?
I'm Baz Lemming. I'm famous too.
Excuse me. (SANDRA CLEARS THROAT)
Jack...
... has asked me to marry him.
Jack?!
Dugdale?
This morning.
Sandra!
Well, I never!
How long has this been brewing?
Years, apparently.
Although I've only recently been let in on the secret.
- And what did you say? - Yes.
- You sound very sure. - I am!
- I think. - Total fantasy. She's done this before, you know.
Oh, that's wonderful!
Lovely! Blimey, he's a dark horse.
Yes, congratulations.
Yes, I'm very, very happy for you.
Very happy indeed.
But if we could return to a more pressing issue...
Oh, Phil, it's too late!
It's happened. It's already out there.
No, it's not too late. We can change the names in later editions,
AND we can insist the publisher puts a slip in this edition saying...
Wendy's a vampire.
- What? - Look, won't it just make for more publicity?
Of course it will.
Sandra, do you really want to be a lemming?
Oh, I got off quite lightly.
Anyway, I shall be Sandra Dugdale by October, so I don't really care.
October?
The first Saturday in October.
Well, we're getting married the second Saturday in October.
- You can't do that. - Why not?
Well, we've been waiting for ages. I mean, you've only just arrived.
- Phil, it doesn't matter. - It does matter.
It does matter! It's not fair.
(SANDRA GIGGLES)
It's not funny!
Oh, they were meant to be here by noon!
I really can't wait very much longer.
Well, off you go, then!
Yes, we mustn't hold you back from your big life.
- I'll fill you in later. - Yes!
(SANDRA GIGGLES)
Well?
Well, what?
Oh.
At first, they were astonished, and then they were...
Yes?
- ... horrified. - Horrified?
Horrified. Especially Phil, he went volcanic.
What about Edith?
She cried.
Wept her heart out.
(HEARTY CHUCKLE)
You know, I hope you don't regard this as an appealing side
- to your character. - (SANDRA CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Oh, three cheers for Wendy!
Hip-hip, hooray!
- (WENDY LAUGHS) - Hip-hip, hooray!
Hip-hip, hooray...
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hello, Bob.
- This is Terry, my literary agent. - Good to meet you all.
The Lemming Family is literature, is it?
You know, sentences with verbs, that sort of thing?
- Phil. - Mm-hm.
Well, let's make a start.
What are you proposing?
Er... proposing?
Well, I mean, The Lemming Family is a naked act of piracy, isn't it?
I mean, every one of us here has been represented or exploited,
and the least we expect is a proper public apology.
No, we don't!
Yes, we do. We don't want to be turned into lemmings and marketed.
- I'm with you, Phil. - Always a pleasure.
The characters in my book bear no relation to actual people,
living or dead, and are entirely fictional.
It says so on the first page.
Oh, come on! It's all about us, from beginning to end.
This is about an entirely fictional family.
Look, it conveys universal truths...
- Tosh! - ... which is why grown ups, as well as children,
find it so touching and appealing.
And that's just one of many impressive reviews.
But look, erm, I really came here to say something else.
Look... All this...
... it's changed my life, totally.
I'm no longer afraid of bills arriving that I can't pay,
and landing on the mat.
I don't have to worry about every penny when I'm out shopping.
I don't have to wear the same clothes that I've been wearing
for the past ten years.
For the first time ever, I've got enough money to be what...
... I've always wanted to be.
- Generous. - (ROGER SNORTS)
Roger, I don't need your alimony any more.
- What? - You can keep it.
- Are you serious? - I've written a letter to the court,
- it's all been taken care of. - Oh, Wendy!
I don't believe it.
Well, it's true.
Wendy...
Oh, Wendy, all is forgiven!
Well, I wouldn't go that far!
But I want to make everyone happy, so I'm giving everybody here
who feels that, for whatever reason or another, they have some
connection to one of the FICTIONAL characters in my book... Terry?
A one-off, without prejudice, payment of ã3,000 each.
If you could just sign and date at the bottom.
Oh, Wendy!
Wendy...
... you don't have to do this, you know?
Yes, she does!
Well...
This is more than generous of you, isn't it, Phil?
So we're being bought off, are we?
Well, I'm happy with that.
Yes, so am I. Wendy?
Yes, Roger?
Will you remarry me?
Sorry, Roger, but as it happens,
I'm getting married to someone else.
Terry and I are engaged.
- Oh, congratulations! - Congratulations.
QUEENIE: Ooh, a lovely ring!
Have you set a date for the wedding?
This is it, I think.
ROGER AS PUPPET: This is for you, Georgie, now that Roger's rich.
You tell Roger, it won't last long.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
- (CHILDREN SCREAMING) - Hello, I'm Georgina. We're a bit...
Thank goodness!
- We're a wee bit early. - Oh, the sooner the better.
Come in. It's totes an uprising, they've already trashed the kitchen.
(KIDS SCREAM)
Are you the giant?
I am.
Pathetic! Totally pathetic!
(CHILDREN CHANT "PATHETIC")
Pathetic?!
(HE MAKES SCARY NOISES)
(CHILDREN SCREAM)
I'm afraid they're all rather high-spirited.
That's how we like them.
Yes, they taste better then.
We've moved everything out of the room.
As I said, they're a pretty rowdy bunch!
And spoilt rotten, of course!
But I imagine you've had lots of experience?
Oh, yes.
Ex-SAS, me.
Really?
Jolly good!
(KIDS CONTINUE SCREAMING)
Erm, I was thinking along the lines of a nice fairy tale,
with some wholesome, traditional values?
Something that might calm them down a bit,
and leave a warm, gentle impression.
Make them a bit calmer.
- Exactly what we aim to do. - Oh, yes.
AS PUPPET: I'll try not to bite too hard.
PUPPET: Hello!
My name is Methu-u-u-u-uselah.
(KIDS CHEER)
And this is Methuselah!
I've just said that, you don't need to say it again.
- He's a crocodile! - Yes, he is. And he's a very nice crocodile...
- ... most of the time. - What?
But sometimes, he gets into a terrible temper.
- I don't. - Yes, you do.
I don't, I don't!
I do-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-a-agh!
See what I mean?
KIDS: Yeah!
Now, the wicked giant is hiding here somewhere...
Ooh...
His name's Bob!
- (ROARING AND CLATTERING) - Shh!
Do you know what that is?
That's the sound...
... of Bob the Giant eating something.
Oh! He's always eating something!
Sometimes, he eats crocodi-i-i-les.
OFFSTAGE: Yum! Yum! Yum!
(GEORGIE GASPS)
(RASPY BREATHING)
I...
... am starving!
Sta-a-a-a-arving!
LONG LIVE GIANTS!
(PIERCING SCREAM)
(CHAOTIC COMMOTION)
Calm down! No...
Ah!
Argh!
Dad!
Oh, well...
... there goes another potential revenue stream.
You're not suggesting giving up?
Hell, yeah! Even I'm not that stupid.
AS PUPPET: Oh, yes, you are...
- Pay us anything? - Amazingly, yeah, the full whack.
As long as we left quickly.
- That's great! - You're not getting any.
You're awful like your mother sometimes.
Ah! Dugdale.
- Congratulations. - Thank you!
You've got a bargain.
The house, the cat, or Sandra?
Well... the lot, a bumper bargain.
- You're right! - Yes.
But, erm... I have a little bone to pick with you.
- Tell me. - Well...
... Edith and I will be getting married the second week of October,
and you and Sandra are getting hitched on the first week.
I mean, it's not really very good form, is it?
- You're quite wrong. - No, no. No, I'm right.
I mean, we've been planning this for a long time.
- Can't you wait a bit? - It's not true.
- No? - We haven't booked a date yet.
It's Sandra winding you up.
- Is it? - I thought you'd recognise the signs by now.
How extraordinary. Why would she do that?
I can't imagine!
Well, erm...
... let me just warn you.
- What about? - I've...
... been in this family for some time now, and you're just about to...
... you know, get involved with it.
I have to tell you, it's not always plain sailing.
- Ah. Are you referring to Roger? - Well, that's part of the problem.
- Only part? - Well, why do you think Edith and I are running...
... erm, moving away?
- Look, let me be blunt... - Mm?
Change the locks, bar the windows, reinforce the gate.
Trade in this overly-friendly animal with some creature
with serious deterrent capabilities.
- What I'm going to do... - Uh-huh?
... I'm going to go out,
buy a book on how to build a moat...
... then I'm going to buy a dragon.
Terrific!
Get a big one.
I thought he'd enjoy that.
I can't believe you kept all this to yourself.
- This HUGE thing. - I wasn't keeping it to myself!
I always thought...
Well, you and I have always been able to talk about everything.
And for a long time, there was nothing to talk about.
And then...
... something happened.
What?
It changed.
When I wasn't looking, from nothing to...
... everything.
Oh, Sandra!
I'm so happy for you.
(SANDRA CHUCKLES)
- He's such a lovely man! - Mm.
And a bloody lucky one.
Yes, bloody lucky.
But... this has nothing to do with my... ?
You banging on and on about me being on my own?
Nothing at all.
Trust me.
I have been worrying...
- ... a bit. - Mum...
... what else would you be doing...
... but worrying?
(THEY LAUGH)
ROGER AS PUPPET: Georgie?
- What? - Do you like Roger?
He's OK.
Oh. Just OK?
Sometimes.
He likes you a lot.
Does he?
I think he fancies yo-o-ou...
Uh-huh.
I'm sure he does.
What makes you think that?
He told me.
Did he now?
Mm. He said,
"I REALLY fancy Georgie.
I think she's lovely."
Oh.
I mean, that's pretty straightforward, isn't it?
Ha... unambiguous.
Well, he's not said anything to me.
He's shy.
And what does that make you?
The go-between?
It does.
And how did he manage before you?
- What? - With Wendy.
Oh!
Er, Mr Spongy!
Mr Spongy?
Well, he's, er... he's self-explanatory.
And Mr Spongy was the go-between?
In those days, he was.
And what happened to him?
He...
... retired.
It's all just a wee bit weird, isn't it?
Yes, I suppose it is.
The thing is, Methuselah...
... I think I prefer you.
What? (GASPS)
(GEORGIE SIGHS)
NORMAL VOICE: What do you think that means?
PUPPET VOICE: Er, it means, I think,
you've bitten off more than you can chew.
NORMAL VOICE: Hm.
What should I do?
PUPPET VOICE: Head for the hills.
NORMAL VOICE: What are you doing?
PUPPET VOICE: I'm staying...
... right here! Ha-ha-ha!
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -