- So, you're dating this girl... - Hannah.
...for two months, and you haven't introduced us,
which means she must be horrible, which is saying a lot,
considering your last girlfriend stole from you.
It was just a couch and my identity.
But this girl's actually much better than usual,
like, maybe the best.
Maybe the one.
- Ohh! Mazel! Ohh! - Get out!
Get her over here this minute!
I wanna meet my future daughter-in-law!
I don't know. I'm not ready for her to meet you guys yet.
She's, like, a really kind, good person.
And we can be... a lot.
A lot of gorgeous people?
A lot of pizzazz?
A lot of extremely well-curated pieces of men's sportswear?
Or a lot of yelling in quiet places,
a lot of talking about people,
a lot of yelling about people in quiet places.
It's true, but eventually, she will come around, like I did.
Excuse me, but what is it about us
that you had to come around to?
Well, at first, I had a hard time
with some of the family quirks,
but then I just sort of let it wash over me,
like when you're drowning.
Oh, please.
To know this family is to love this family.
True dat!
Yes, Mom. True dat.
And I will have you know, Joanna,
that the very crab dip you're eating
was gifted to us by a dad from Asher's class.
It tastes like he re-gifted it.
The point is, people from our kid's school bring us food
because we're generally considered
to be cool, good people.
Mm.
Or because I'm room mom.
Hey, tell Hannah about that. People love that.
No.
Well, this is ridiculous.
If you care about this woman, we have to meet her.
Tell Hannah to come to our next game night.
Okay, just don't embarrass me.
Oh, what are you talking about? I never embarrass you.
Dad, you always find a way to bring up my feet.
Sweetie, you're gorgeous from the ankles up.
Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
Hannah recently spent a summer in Tibet.
I led a retreat through my meditation studio.
It was such an amazing experience.
I actually got to see the Dalai Lama.
Oh, cool!
I mean, one time, I thought I saw Gary Busey
when I was snowboarding in Vermont at a TGI Friday's,
but it turned out it wasn't him.
Should we eat, or what's the...
Let's all enjoy this lasagna that Tristan's mom brought us.
Well, I don't know about "enjoy."
There's barely any sauce.
Folks from the school bring us food
because we're widely known as cool, excellent people.
Stewie's right. It's too dry.
Let's just dump it. Yeah.
No, no, no. No.
I'll put it in the garage fridge,
then I can bring it home,
and tomorrow I'll give it to a local soup kitchen.
You are such a generous soul.
That's cute. You think Joanna has a soul.
Well, they did bring us one good thing...
these brownies, but there's only one left.
What do you say we play Hot Goss for it?!
- Ohh! Hot Goss! - Always! Yes!
That's something good!
I'm sorry. What are we doing?
I know that you said, Hannah, that teaching orphans
how to play soccer was a highlight of your life,
but in this family, nothing revs our engines
like our favorite game... Hot Goss.
We all say our best piece of gossip,
and the winner gets a prize!
Okay, I'll go first.
In 2005, my friend Justin was a set PA
on the critically acclaimed film "Failure to Launch."
- Ooh! - Ah!
And without getting into too many details,
everything between SJP and Matthew McConaughey
was not, "Alright, alright, alright."
Romantic-comedy goss!
Mine's better.
So, Mort Sherman has been telling everybody
that his grandson is going to Penn.
But Phil Miller tells me
that he's actually going to Pennsylvania Community College.
Busted goss!
Boo!
That sucked, Stew!
What? What?
Hey, a-at least it's from this year.
I mean, like any of you have anything better.
- Uh, I think I might. - Oh, look out.
I know why Mrs. Bowman from Asher's school
is getting a divorce.
- Oh! - Ooh! - Mm-hmm.
I saw Mr. Bowman outside the movie theater
with a hot blonde!
Tell me! Tell me!
A movie theater with reclining seats!
- Oh, my God! - I love it, love it!
He's been having an affair!
Oh, sweet goss nectar!
The rush!
- Rebecca wins! - Rebecca wins!
Whoo!
You know what? I am so sorry.
I just remembered I have an appointment.
- What? - Um, wait, what's going on?
- What did they do? - Nothing.
I'm so sorry. I'll see you later tonight.
What did you do?
What did you do?!
Hi, sweetie!
We brought you the lasagna for your hobos.
Thanks, and don't say "hobos."
Why? That's what they call themselves.
So, Joanna, we realized what may have upset Hannah last night.
Yes, I feel terrible that we didn't let Hannah
play the goss game.
I mean, nothing could have topped Rebecca's goss,
but still, I should have let her play.
I feel terrible.
Mom!
The problem wasn't that Hannah didn't get a chance to gossip.
The problem was that she didn't want to gossip.
She doesn't believe in it.
Well, what does she talk about?
I don't know.
She says being a good person means minding your own business.
Well, that's ridiculous 'cause I'm a fantastic person.
Everyone's talking about it.
That's the hot goss on me!
I feel terrible.
I want to make it up to you guys.
Maybe we can get a second chance
when she comes over for the "Survivor" finale.
I don't think Hannah wants to watch the finale with you guys.
So... I'm just gonna skip this year.
- What?! - Skip it?
Watching the "Survivor" finale has been a family tradition
for over 20 years!
Davy proposed to Rebecca
during the finale of the Micronesia season!
Okay, we'll come, but only if you promise
to give up gossip for the night.
What are you, cuckoo bananas?
You know what?
I have several corgis
who need their anal glands expressed,
and that actually sounds preferable
to having this conversation.
Hey, not to be this guy,
but if the parents from Asher's school
are gonna continue to drop off food,
I think they should step their game up.
I mean, a casserole?
What am I, a widower?
Not to be this girl,
but what is it with this class and the food?
I'm a good room mom and all, but I'm not that good.
You want to hear which room mom
chews tobacco during the PTA meetings?
- I don't want to know. - What?
Sorry, I just don't want to gossip.
Are you okay?
Yeah. But Joanna's right.
We do gossip too much.
We don't gossip, Rebecca.
We share information.
And information is knowledge.
And knowledge is power.
And power is how you protect your family.
And family is forever.
So, you're gossiping to be a better father?
Yes, exactly, to be a better father,
and the rush is so real.
I know, but I see things differently now.
And I never gossiped before I met you.
And the truth is, the gossip has been way worse
since your parents moved in.
Well, yeah, everything has been way worse
since my parents moved in.
The gossip is just the silver lining.
I quit goss.
But you love goss.
But I don't want to do it anymore.
- But you do. - But I don't!
- But goss. - But I know.
Rebecca, last night,
my mom told me that Mr. Waldman, my 9th-grade teacher,
was dating Emily Guarascio, a-from-a my grade-a!
Now, she may be 40, and it's not that gross,
but he was still her teacher, so it's kind of gross.
And this is the stuff I live for!
Dave, we made Hannah so uncomfortable,
it's forcing Joanna to choose between her girlfriend and us.
Is it worth it?
Fine!
But now you'll never know where the girl from my grade
and my former teacher went on vacation!
It was Cancún on a private airplane on a teacher's salary!
- We got to talk about this! - No!
Hey, Dave, I had an amazing idea for the new flip.
Every sink has three faucets...
hot water, cold water, seltzer!
I do love bubbles in my drinking water,
but Kevin the plumber just texted me
- and said that he took another job, so... - Oh.
Plus that idea's cuckoo bananas.
I called Joanna to try to get our "Survivor" night back on.
She said she'll only come
if I go with her to Hannah's studio
for a peaceful hour of silent meditation.
Sorry, babe, that sounds so boring.
Maybe you could listen to a podcast during it.
Daddy, can I have all your cans when you're done?
Yeah, of course, big guy.
And I'm so proud of the way that you're cleaning up the planet.
I'm collecting cans because kids at school say we're poor.
What was that, now?
They said Grammy and Pop moved in
because we're poor and they're saving us.
So, this is why people are bringing us food?
We're the recipients of a meal train?
Yeah, a very well-intentioned but underwhelming meal train.
That doesn't make sense. We're generally regarded
- as cool, good, excellent people. - I know!
Dude! That's why the crew quit on us.
The goss spread to them.
They think you can't afford to pay.
Oh, my God, this is terrible.
Don't worry. I'll sort it out.
- Here's my can. Good luck, little guy. - Oh, thanks.
Asher.
Hey, sweetheart, we are fine financially.
You have nothing to worry about.
What you heard at school is called gossip.
Some call it "hot goss."
That's right, but gossip is bad, especially if it's about us.
This feels awful. Call everyone. Stop the goss!
So, kids at school are just talking about us?
I can't believe Mrs. Bowman would let that go on.
Give her a break. Her husband, Mr. Bowman, cheated on her.
He did?!
You didn't hear it from me.
Daddy, why does this information feel so good?
- No! No! - See what you did? You see what you did?
So, I saw Joanna at Hannah's meditation class.
She's back in for "Survivor" tonight.
But I promised her we wouldn't gossip,
just have egg rolls and read our fortunes.
I'll tell you a fortune. This night is gonna suck.
Mom, we have to try.
I mean, gossip is hurting our relationship with Joanna.
It hurt my business.
It's hurt our social standing at school.
Rebecca's right. Gossip is toxic.
Yeah, it's terrible.
No matter how plump and juicy it is, it's wrong to share.
Uh-huh.
I feel bad about gossiping
about the teacher's ex, Mr. Bowman.
I mean, I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding,
like what happened with us.
Yeah, he's probably a very good person
doing good-person things right now.
- I'll go change. - I'll go with you.
- You'll help me change? - Yeah.
You have hot goss, don't you?
How do you do that?
You can tell me, Rebecca.
I shouldn't say.
Well, sure, sure, you can't say,
but I can guess, right?
- You heard something? - Mnh.
- You saw something? - Mm!
- You saw someone! - Mmmm! No!
We have to stop! This is wrong!
No, it's not!
Gossip is basically history.
And if we don't learn from history,
we're doomed to repeat it.
Gossip prevents wars!
Now, spill it!
Okay!
The teacher's ex-husband, Mr. Bowman,
who was with the hot blonde,
was with a hot brunette outside the Chinese restaurant
next to the meditation studio.
And they were making out.
Oh, Jesus! This Bowman is a gold mine!
Oh, I have a funny story.
Oh, wait. It's goss. I have nothing.
Hey, who do you think invented the spork?
I'm sorry.
As a child in the city,
I went to the grocery store with my father.
I was so small that the only way I could keep track of him
in the crowded store was to look for his black shoes.
I followed them out of the store
and then followed those shoes for 40 blocks
before I realized they belonged to a different man.
For weeks, I lived on the street, busking,
riding the rails.
The benches were my beds, the trees my teachers.
And one day, a beautiful nun
saw me soft-shoeing to earn my lunch
and said, "Little boy, let's get you home,"
and she did.
I had been missing for 45 days.
Pass the wontons.
What?! I've never heard that story before!
See? Silence can really bring so much to the surface
if you aren't afraid of it.
Hey, guys.
Dave, I cleared things up with the crew.
Oh, cool.
I mean, this probably could have been a text, but cool.
I couldn't because I come bearing hot goss
that must be told in person.
Oh, no, Rav, I'm sorry.
We're not gossiping in this house anymore.
Then what do you guys talk about?
How our dad was real-life Fievel.
Okay, well, you might want to break whatever dumb rule that is
because this goss is scorching-hot!
Ravi, stop with your filthy-mouth gossip!
Get out of here! We don't want to hear it!
I might have overreacted.
I'll go talk to him.
Hey, Deb. I'm sorry if I offended you.
- I just... - Spill it, punk!
Oh, thank God! I talked to the crew.
The other job they took was working on a compound.
Compound goss?
- And the guy at the center of it... - Yeah?
...this dude named Bowman.
Bowman?
As in Bowman Bowman?
Connected goss!
Oh, my God!
Mm. So, Hannah, tell us about your family.
Wait, uh, can I do that?
It's an okay question,
but I don't speak to my family anymore.
They wouldn't give me space,
and without space, you can't have stars.
And without stars, you have nothing.
Stewie, how about you come out to the garage
and help me with the wine?
It's boiling-hot.
Hot wine?
Uh, yeah, you know, mulled, whatever.
Come on, Stewie!
I'll come, too!
So, Bowman is building a 36,000-square-foot compound?
You think the blonde and the brunette are gonna live together?
Are they gonna share a wing, or are there tunnels?
Where does Bowman get his money from?
We need more facts to get to the truth!
Mm, I wonder if he's been stealing
people's Social Security checks.
Let's float that until we hear something else.
God! It feels so good!
What is wrong with me? Am I addicted to goss?
Rebecca, enough!
You know, when we first met you, you were a wallflower.
I thought to myself, "This is who my beauty
is choosing for his bride?!"
Um, ouch!
But look at you now.
You're confident. You're even more gorgeous.
You're a fabulous mother. You have two perfect children.
We watered you with goss, and you blossomed!
Okay. Okay.
So, you're saying everything good about me
is because you taught me to gossip?
Yes!
Tell me everything!
Alright, come on. Back to Bowman.
Put your checks underneath your...
Rebecca!
You're gossing?
I thought you were a rabid anti-gosser.
We just got burned by hot goss about us.
I can't believe you're gossing when we were just gossed upon.
I know. I know.
But this new goss...
It's got tiers and dovetails and people we know,
and I am powerless against it!
It is so damn hot.
The hottest goss my ears have had the pleasure
of listening to.
It's compound goss.
Give me every [BLEEP] detail.
Okay, Bowman is building a compound
and he's stealing Social Security checks?
We need the address!
Daddy, drive!
I'm drunk on goss!
You guys have a real problem!
Do you know how long you've been in here?
Five minutes?
An hour and a half!
You missed the entire tribal council.
Don't tell me who won.
It was Boston Rob.
The tribe has spoken!
- Ohh! - No, no!
We're sorry, Joanna. We just got carried away.
It won't happen again. Give us a second chance.
My family pleaded for a second chance, too,
but cutting them out of my life
was the best decision I ever made.
I recommend the same thing for Jo.
- Well, hold on. - That seems rash.
It's just goss.
Yes, goss is good.
- Mom. - You know what?
As ridiculous as my family has been,
I'm always gonna give them a second chance.
I feel like you're trying to distance me from them,
but I love them, and I think they can grow.
Bup!
Ravi finally texted me back.
He said people are moving into Bowman's compound,
and they're all wearing different shades of dusty pink.
He thinks it's some kind of a cult!
Wow!
Oh, my God, I'm trying to defend you guys!
Can't you stop gossiping for one minute?
Wait.
Isn't Bowman the name of the guy who owns Serenity?
Your meditation studio?
Joanna, we should leave now.
Um, Hannah, would you call
that shade of pink you're wearing dusty?
Okay, I am not in a cult, if that's what you're implying.
Serenity is just a large family of like-minded individuals
who all have sex with the same man.
Oh, okay. That sounds cool.
Oh, my God!
Were you trying to recruit me
into a heterosexual sex cult?
Joanna, please, just take a pranayama breath.
I don't need to take a pranayama anything.
I just need you to leave right now.
Okay.
But just so you all know, when the meteor comes
and we Bowmenians are living in the center of the Earth,
you'll all be sorry!
Bow, Bow, Bow!
- Wow! - Wow!
- Yikes! - Oh, my God!
I thought she was the one, but she was just, like,
100% in a cult.
I wouldn't even have known if you guys hadn't gossiped.
So, in a crazy way, it's like hot goss saved my life.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
It felt really bad to be gossed about, remember?
Yeah, but if we didn't have that goss,
we couldn't have connected this goss.
Yeah, David.
All goss happens for a reason.
Goss is good. Goss is great.
And now we're all inside the goss.
It's like being in a womb.
Oh, speaking of being in a womb,
guess whose grandson knocked up his girlfriend
before going off to community college.
- Shut up. - Mort Sherman!
- Yeah!
♪ Mort Sherman, Mort Sherman, Mort Sherman ♪
Oh, man, it's another parent from the meal train.
Okay, we got to clear this up.
I'll take care of it.
Hey.
My husband and I were thinking of you
and thought we'd drop these off.
That's very sweet, but we don't need your char...
Do I smell brownies?
Yes, I own a bakery in town.
Thank you for supporting us during this difficult time.
She can't get to a PTA meeting without two martinis,
but she can bake!
Mmm. Hold on.
I'm sorry, but your kids are playing in the street.
- Asher! - What?!
Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.