- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
[TWINKLING CHIMES]
[BACK-UP ALARM BEEPING]
[DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[AJ] It takes a lot of work to make something happen.
First, you gotta have the idea.
Then, the plan.
Then, the balls to pull it off.
[GRUNTS, SIGHS]
[AJ] Me? I've got the idea, the plan, and the balls.
Check, check, and double check.
[ROBERT] This is not the Fancypants Drag Club.
No, dude, it's not. [AJ SIGHS]
We should have used Waze.
No, I don't trust Waze.
And who does she think she is, telling everyone how to get everywhere?
And we're not lost.
The club used to be right there.
You sure? Maybe you have early-onset Alzheimer's.
Well, it's nice I'm still young enough
to qualify for the early part of early-onset.
This cast is itchy. And I'm hot.
Well, it's Texas. I mean, Texas is hot.
Wait, this is Texas?
Yeah. Where did you think Fort Worth was?
Near Texas!
You're telling me you have two gigs in Texas?
Well, I had two gigs.
I'm about to find out why I don't still have two gigs.
- I made it! I made it to Texas! - [LINE RINGING]
I did it! Oh, I did it!
[ON PHONE] Hello, this is Allan Sherman.
- Yes, this is Ruby Red. - Oh, yeah!
I'm here at your hole-in-the-wall club,
which is now a hole-in-the-ground club. Why is that?
- [ALLAN] Oh, that club is closed - I'll be in the RV!
- Texas! - [ALLAN] We had to close Fancypants.
[ROBERT] Well, you'd better have a damn good reason
for not telling me that before I arrived.
- [ALLAN] I'm sorry about that, Ruby. - What? I... in a minute.
[ALLAN] Well, actually,
- I do have a reason. - Or now.
[MAN] Move it, man.
[CONSTRUCTION WORKERS SHOUTING]
[GRUNTS] Well...
the reason he didn't tell me was the owner's car got hit by a train...
on his way to chemotherapy.
Long story short,
I'm out $3,000.
Look, I just mapped Pop Pop's address, and he's only 40 minutes away.
[SIGHS] Ooh, that's close.
Since you don't have a gig this weekend,
you can drop me off before Dallas.
So, y-you wanna go this week?
Yeah. Today. Like, right now.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH]
Well...
we are in Fort Worth.
How about we do something fun in town today before we go?
- "What to do in Fort Worth?" - Leave.
Oh, the Texas Civil War Museum.
Oh, and they have a cannon. That's fun.
You know, I love a cannon, but I'm good.
[GASPS] Oh, my God. What am I thinking?
[CHUCKLES] I know something fun we can do.
I have a childhood friend who lives here now,
and she's always inviting me to stop by and say hey
whenever I'm performing at...
[BOTH] ... Fancypants.
[SIGHS] I can't believe I'll never get to say that again.
You'll find your way.
- ["JUST WALK IT OFF" PLAYING] - ♪ Love lies and dreams die ♪
♪ Just walk it off ♪
♪ Meal breaks and heartaches ♪
♪ Just walk it off ♪
♪ Oui, oui, c'est la vie ♪
So...
how do you know this rich lady?
Well, back in Atlanta...
my mother used to clean her mother's house...
- [DOORBELL RINGS] - ... once a week.
- Is she gonna make you clean this house? - [CHUCKLES]
No, AJ, this isn't The Help.
But if it was, I'd be Jessica Chastain.
[WOMAN, IN TEXAS ACCENT] Robert! Oh! [GIGGLES]
[BOTH EXCLAIM AND LAUGH]
No! No, you are not finally standing here at my front door!
- No, you are not! - [ROBERT LAUGHS]
Come here, you.
[BOTH] Mwah!
Now get in here, out of this awful heat
and into this nice air conditioning.
When did you get that cute Texas accent?
It came with the house.
[LAUGHS]
I will never get used to the fact that you got so tall.
You used to be only this big.
But your hair used to be this big.
- Oh, my God! - [LAUGHS]
I wanted your Afro so bad.
And I wanted your blonde... everything.
[BOTH LAUGH]
And who is this?
- [TAKES DEEP BREATH] - [WOMAN] Robert, no.
No, you did not adopt a child. No, you did not.
- No, I did not. - [WOMAN] Well, I didn't think so,
because you never posted that you had a child on Facebook.
And you... still gorgeous!
- I am? - [ROBERT] Yes.
I thought all the pictures you posted were filtered, but mm-mm, sis.
Oh, stop!
But really don't stop.
[CHUCKLES] This is AJ. We're traveling together.
Oh, well, that's fun.
Gonna need a touch more info on that later.
AJ, this is my friend Beth Barnes.
Beagle. Beth Barnes Beagle.
Right. You remarried about two years ago, in France, right?
Rained all week.
Our destination weddin' turned into a destination wettin'.
- [STAMMERS] - [ROBERT LAUGHS]
Well, AJ, say something.
- How? I can't get in. - Oh, she's right.
AJ, you are right.
You know, in high school, I was voted most likely to not shut up.
- [BETH AND ROBERT LAUGH] - That's a joke.
- Actually, I was voted best dancer. - That's right.
Is this the famous entertainer?
Yes, it is.
Robert, this is my handsome husband, Chad Beagle.
Talk, honey. I'm sucking all the air out of the room.
You? Never. [CHUCKLES]
So, what are you doing in Forth Worth, Bob?
Oh, I'm Bob!
- [LAUGHS] - Sorry. Robert.
It... it's like Tommy always says,
"Chad, you're just too damn straight."
- Tommy is our party planner. - He's a real hoot.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
That is AJ. A mystery I plan to unravel over dinner.
Oh, we can't stay.
We just stopped by to say hi, which I think we've done, a lot,
so we should probably head out.
Oh, no. No, you have to stay, Robert.
And not just for dinner. For the weekend.
I mean, I would love to, but AJ has other plans for the weekend.
Well, you said your gig fell through.
We're having a party tomorrow,
and I would love for my friends to meet you.
I mean, who's more fun than you?
Well, honestly? Nobody.
- [CHUCKLES] - Well, you should stay.
Do you play golf, Bob?
Oh, right. I keep forgetting I'm Bob.
How's it hanging, Bob?
[ROBERT AND BETH CHUCKLE]
[ROBERT] Hey, I-I know you wanted to get right to Pop Pop,
so thank you for doing this for me.
[AJ] Why are you thanking me?
This is clearly a hostage situation.
Hey, look, if you wanna just go, let's go.
- Hey, where are you going? - [AJ] Shit.
This'll be fun. We'll have separate bedrooms.
You won't have to hear me cry at night.
[MAID] You can pick any of the bedrooms in this wing,
but not that one.
Don't go in that room.
Is it haunted?
Mrs. Beth wants a little girl bedroom for the little girl.
Are you coming?
Oh, me? I'm the little girl, Bob.
[GASPS]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, look at all the Barbies!
- [GASPS] - [MAID] Yes,
Miss. Alexandra has many Barbies.
So many Barbies.
[BLOWS] So much dust.
Wait, do I have to sleep in here with someone?
No. She's away at boarding school.
That's cool.
[GASPS] Look at her!
Ah, I'd kill for this dress. [GASPS]
My grandson just turned trans.
- Oh. - Robert's not trans.
He's a drag queen. There's a difference.
He doesn't want to be a woman. He just performs as one.
Oh.
- Thank you. - Any more questions,
come to me.
I was gonna tell her that you can't "turn" trans, but...
a little at a time.
You found her six weeks ago,
and you didn't think to come and try and find me?
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Your daughter's safe with Robert.
Oh, is this some game?
You say you don't know anything about her.
Then you tell me that you do, but can't tell me right then,
that I have to come back after your boyfriend's gone to work.
I understand how you can be confused.
[SHOUTING] Oh, he's gone. Here I am. Where is she?
She's safe! Robert is taking really good care of her.
- Even when she broke her arm, Robert... - I'm sorry, what? She broke her arm?
I probably inflamed an already inflamed situation.
Okay, let's stop yellin'.
Let's sit and talk about this when you're calm.
- I don't wanna sit down. Where is she? - Okay, that's my cardio for the day.
This is kidnapping.
Kidnapping? She stowed away in his RV!
And if anything, Robert saved her!
Oh, saved her? From who?
From you!
We found her starving upstairs, dressed in boy drag,
hiding in an empty apartment that you got evicted from.
And I did look for you,
but you were eating doughnuts, high, passed out on the street.
What was I gonna say?
"Uh, hey, junkie,
your daughter's in Columbus. Want another cruller?"
You think it's funny?
You think it's funny that I have a drug problem?
It's not!
And, for the record, I have not done anything,
anything, since I found out my daughter was missing.
And it is not easy. Or funny.
But at least AJ has a roof over her head
and three square meals a day.
Well, probably two. Robert does a lot of intermittent fasting
and carbo-loading...
- [GRUNTS] - I am her mother!
If you don't tell me where she is right now,
I will call Social Services.
Well, good. Then you can tell them how you lost her!
I'm gonna get a lawyer. I'm gonna sue both your asses.
With what money, bitch? The $20 I gave you yesterday!
I'm coming back with the cops. Good luck explaining this to them.
Oh, my boyfriend is a cop.
I'm having a hard enough time explaining this to him!
Your drag queen friend is screwed.
We're the good guys!
Why are you making us out to be the bad guys?
[DOGS BARKING AND HOWLING]
- [SWEENEY] Who is it? - Not now, Mrs. Sweeney.
After-dinner cognac, Robert?
[ROBERT] Sure.
Cognac. So grown-up and fancy.
- [CHUCKLES] - I know.
Every time I pull my Bentley up to this gorgeous house,
I just look around and I'm like, "Who am I?"
I thought you were rich when you were little.
Oh, Lord. No.
I would watch Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous
and be like, "Oh, me.
Me! I want champagne wishes and caviar dreams."
But I thought his mother was your maid.
Maid?
Oh, Lord, no. Angela would clean our house once a week
so my mama could get braggin' rights
and say that she had a cleaning lady.
We were totally middle-class.
Oh, that was rich to me.
I mean, y'all had shag carpeting and two TVs.
[CHUCKLES] I thought you were the family from Dallas.
Speaking of Dallas, that's his next stop.
We should probably head out tonight.
- Because of traffic. - [CHAD] Well, unfortunately, she's not wrong about the traffic.
- Here you go. - So, what is it you do, Chad?
I mean, besides calling me Bob.
[CHAD AND BETH CHUCKLE]
I am in construction.
- Construction? Hardly. - [CHUCKLES]
Chad is a real estate developer,
knockin' down all the ugly old eyesores in Fort Worth
and giving it the facelift that it desperately needs.
- Mm. - And I mean big changes.
Not just Botox around your eyes
or Restylane for your laugh lines.
- Or so you've heard. [CHUCKLES] - [BETH] Oh.
Did you knock down Fancypants?
- Excuse me? - That's the ugly old eyesore of a club
I was supposed to perform at.
When we arrived, it was a construction site.
Chad? Did you knock down Fancypants?
Well, I hope not. Where... where is it?
Off Route 3, near the old Sears.
Uh, yep, I knocked down Fancypants and that Sears.
I think you owe Bob over here $3,000.
We take cash only.
- [CHAD CHUCKLES] - AJ, nobody likes a wiseass.
Well, someone's a little cranky.
I'm not cranky. This is just my personality.
And it's so charmin'.
It's also 9:30. Gettin' past your bedtime.
I usually go to bed about 5:00 a.m.
Yeah. That's true.
I usually don't get out of the club until late,
and then we chat and wind down and do our rose and thorn of the day.
Rose and thorn? What's that?
The rose is the best part of your day.
And the thorn is the worst part of your day.
For example, my rose for today was coming here and seeing you again.
- Oh. - And that was my thorn.
Okay, you can go to bed.
Don't have to ask me twice.
- [CHUCKLES] - Good night.
- [AJ] Uh-huh. - What can you say? She's having her terrible tens.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, let me tell you, it'll pass.
We had a couple of hard years with Adam, but he's doing great now.
He's in the arts. So artsy.
Dyed his hair black.
Oh. So where is Adam? I'd love to finally get to meet him.
Somewhere off... laying down his rhymes and his beats.
- [CHUCKLES] - Or somethin' that we're too old for.
Speak for yourself, girl. I'm still young.
Thanks to the Botox around my eyes
and the Restalyne around my laugh lines!
- [BOTH LAUGH] - Another cocktail, B?
No, honey. You know one cocktail a night is my limit.
Oh, right.
I spin in the morning.
Oh! You spin?
- Mm-hmm. - I would love to sleep through that.
[SIGHS HAPPILY]
[LAUGHS]
Are you a ghost?
And we would dance in my bedroom.
Oh, my God, we totally had our own private club.
Yes, it was very exclusive.
Only open from four to six on Tuesday.
In my bedroom.
- [ROBERT] With only two members. - And basically only one song.
"Got To Be Real" by Cheryl Lynn.
- No? - Mm, yep.
No, you do not still have that album.
No, you do not!
I still have all my albums.
Robert, you've heard of a man cave?
- Yeah. - This here is Beth's tunes cave.
Uh-huh.
[GASPS]
[GASPS] Oh, my goodness!
[GIGGLES, TAKES DEEP BREATH] Okay...
["GOT TO BE REAL" PLAYING ON STEREO]
- What? - [ROBERT] Come on.
[ROBERT AND BETH LAUGH]
[BETH] Watch this. Watch this, Chad.
- I don't know if I remember all of it. - Yeah, you got it.
- Here it goes. - Okay.
[SINGING ALONG] ♪ What you find-ah ♪
[WHOOPS]
♪ What you feel now ♪
- ♪ What you know-ah ♪ - [BETH] Ooh!
- Ooh, ooh! - ♪ To be real ♪
- [ROBERT CHUCKLES] - [BETH SIGHS] Oh, oh, oh!
♪ What you find-ah ♪
♪ I think I love you, baby ♪ ♪ What you feel now ♪
♪ I feel I need you, baby ♪
♪ What you know-ah ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh! ♪
♪ To be real ♪
- Whoo! - [BETH SIGHS]
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Your love's for real now ♪
♪ You know that your love is my love ♪
♪ My love is your love ♪
♪ Our love is here to stay-ay-ay-ay! ♪ ♪ Whoo! ♪
- ♪ What you find-ah ♪ - Yeah, girl!
- ♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo ♪ - ♪ I think I love you ♪
♪ What you feel now ♪
♪ I feel I need you, baby ♪
♪ What you know-ah ♪
- [BOTH GRUNTING TO BEAT] - ♪ Ah, ah, ah, to be real ♪
Gotta have you, baby!
- [BOTH LAUGHING] - ♪ What you find-ah ♪
Oh!
He knew all those dance moves at ten!
Yeah. Actually, I knew them at eight,
but I didn't feel comfortable showing them to anyone till I was ten.
[BETH LAUGHS] Do it again!
[BOTH VOCALIZING]
- ♪ I gotta have you, baby ♪ - [VOCALIZES]
Chad seems great.
[SINGSONGY] And easy on the eyes.
[BETH] Oh, boy, did I luck out.
I can't believe I found the love of my life.
Again.
I'm so sorry that he checked out early.
We got one of those Hästens mattresses.
I mean, they are ridiculously expensive, but so amazing.
I mean, who spends $60,000 on a mattress?
I guess we do.
How long are we just gonna let that cookie sit there?
Girl, I was waiting for you. [CHUCKLES]
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Okay, so tell me.
What's going on with you?
Okay, where do I start?
Well, I...
sleep on a lopsided banquette in a run-down RV
that's currently parked in your driveway.
- Start somewhere else. - [CHUCKLES]
That's the happiest part of the story.
The love of my life
turned out to be a grifter and took all of my money.
Robert, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
Yeah. I didn't put that on Facebook.
[BETH SIGHS]
Well, I can only imagine how hard this is.
But as Gurumayi says...
"You must know that you are great.
Never forget that.
It's where true joy lies."
Gurumayi...
should mind her own business.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH] I'm gonna have another drink.
I thought you only had one a night.
It's a special occasion. You're here.
["GOT TO BE REAL" PLAYING]
♪ What you find-ah ♪
♪ I think I love you ♪
♪ What you feel now ♪
[GIRL] Robert?
♪ What you know-ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ To be real ♪
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
♪ Ooh, your love's for real now ♪
♪ You know that your love is my love ♪
♪ My love is your love ♪
♪ Our love is here to stay-ay-ay-ay! ♪
[TYPING]
[SIGHS]
[CONTINUES TYPING]
[WHISPERING] AJ? Are you asleep?
I hope I didn't wake you.
Oh, there you are.
I got worried, because I texted you and didn't hear back.
I thought maybe you had hotwired a car
and were halfway to Pop Pop's house.
No.
Adam made me a vanilla latte.
Look, he has a coffee machine in his room and...
a fridge filled with Mexican Coke.
- [CHUCKLES] - He has everything.
And, yes, I know what you're thinking, but, no, he is not a ghost.
Hi, Adam. I'm Robert.
- [QUIETLY] Hello. - What?
He said hello.
He doesn't like to talk loud. Doesn't see the point.
[CHUCKLING] Other than so people can hear you, sure.
I like your hair, by the way.
Your mom told me you recently dyed it black.
And that eyeliner really brings out your eyes.
Dude! He doesn't like fake compliments.
That's why he's up here.
His mom's always telling him that he's great. He knows he's not.
Wow, you sure seem to know a lot about Adam
- in the 90 minutes you've been up here. - Yeah.
We got tight fast.
Wow, look at those guitars. So, you're a musician?
- [QUIETLY] No. - What?
He said no.
His mom didn't know how to explain the hair and the eyes, so...
she bought him a bunch of guitars,
and now she tells people he's a musician.
Well, I see the soccer equipment.
- Are you a so... - [AJ] He's not.
His mom does stuff like that. Wants him to be something that he's not.
Well, Adam, what do you want to be?
[QUIETLY] I don't know. Everyone's always asking me that.
- He said... - Well, actually, I... I heard him.
I'm getting used to it. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, I don't hate it.
Well, AJ, I was thinking that you and I could go back to your room
and do our rose and thorns of the day.
We have a ritual.
I say the roses. She says the thorns.
Kind of... have my hands full.
I don't feel good about leaving Adam.
Really? He seems fine to me. Other than the fact that he whispers.
He's on a new medication
and I just feel like I should hang.
Feel free to play with the Barbies in my room, though.
Okay. [SIGHS]
I-I just thought that, you know,
since we don't have much more time together...
And you don't have much more time with those Barbies either.
Okay.
Should I wait up?
No. I might have a second latte.
[AJ SLURPS LATTE]
[SOFTLY] Okay.
[SIGHS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Oh, Carmen, this looks delicious.
I didn't cook.
I have Postmates on my phone.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm thirsty. What's that?
Fresh grapefruit juice. Try some.
- Don't have to ask me twice. - [ROBERT] Hm.
Oh, silver and china. I feel like I'm a person again.
- Want some? - Oh, none for me.
I don't do citrus.
Bad for the enamels.
And if these go... [INHALES SHARPLY]
I might as well just throw myself in front of a car.
[LAUGHS]
[CHAD GRUNTS] Damn it. So close. ome here, you.
- [ROBERT CHUCKLES] - What the hell is that?
Health. You're just not used to it.
You need to drink that entire glass. Drink.
[SIGHS]
[SIPS, GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES] Okay, then don't.
- [CHUCKLES] - No.
I have to drink all of it.
I want to be healthy when I go to see Pop Pop.
[GULPING]
Ah!
9:00 a.m. and this party is already a disaster. [CHUCKLES]
Have no fear, your favorite queer is here.
- Oh. Hello? - Tommy, my man.
- Oh, thank the Lord. - [BOTH LAUGH]
For a moment, I thought I had wandered
onto some stranger's back patio again.
I tell you, Ambien and Flamin' Hot Cheetos is not a good combo.
- [LAUGHS] See? He's a hoot. - [TOMMY] Well, honey,
I've been called worse.
You look so familiar to me.
Uh, did we used to chat on OkCupid?
[CHUCKLES] Don't think so.
No? Uh, Bumble?
Tinder? Grindr? Scruff? Growlr.
Craigslist? Farmers Only? [LAUGHS]
Do you own a hairless cat?
I swear I have seen your face right next to a hairless cat.
If I say yes, will this end?
This is Beth's friend Robert.
Yes, of course, Robert.
Beth's famous Facebook drag queen. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, and what perfect timing,
because what I flew over here on my little broomstick to tell you
was the mind reader that I hired for tonight's party canceled.
We have no entertainment.
What do you say, Robert?
No, thanks, but I swore off doing house events
after that Annie Lennox birthday party.
Someone dropped a tray of glasses
and I was literally walking on broken glass.
[CHUCKLES] Come on, Robert.
I was gonna give the mind reader $1,500.
[LOUDLY] Three thousand.
We didn't even pay Kellie Pickler that on the Fourth of July.
No, it's fine, Tommy. It's what I owe Robert anyway
since I knocked down his drag club.
What was it called?
[SLOWY] Fancypants.
- [CHUCKLES] Just do it for Beth. - Bleh.
You know, everybody expects so much out of her parties.
What if you did that song you did last night?
We could surprise her.
I'll bet she'd jump in and join you.
[CHUCKLES] Just try to stop her.
BBB loves to shake her groove thang.
[SLURRING] Four thousand.
Done, 4,000 for ten minutes' work. Sounds like a win to me.
- It does sound like a win. - [SHOUTS] Eleven thousand!
A-Are you okay?
Are you okay?
[CARMEN] No, no, no! That's Miss. Beth's special juice.
What are you saying?
That's not just grapefruit juice. That's vodka and grapefruit.
Oh! [SCOFFS] Carmen, loose lips sink ships, honey.
[ROBERT] Hey, AJ, put that down and come here.
I'm goin' to Pop Pop's.
Oh! [ROBERT GRUNTS]
I got you, honey.
[GRUNTS] Come on.
Oh... oh, great.
Now you got the ten-year-old drunk.
Wha... ? Who was he referring to? Because I wasn't even here.
Why is it all spinning?
'Cause you're drunk, kiddo.
Oh, shit.
Now I'm an alcoholic?
You are not an alcoholic.
[SLURRING] It runs in... families.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I love you.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[SIGHS]
[PATRICK SNORING]
- [CLATTERS LOUDLY] - [GASPS]
[PATRICK CONTINUES SNORING]
[POLICE SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
["RUBY IS RED HOT" RINGTONE PLAYING] ♪ Ruby is red hot ♪
♪ Hot fire, nonstop ♪
[WHISPERING] Hey, Louis.
[WHISPERING] Didn't you get my messages to call?
That there was drama going down?
I did. I just assumed it was about that queen
who wanted a refund on her jeweled palazzo pants.
Oh, palazzo-gate is still very much alive.
Phyllis Mignon messed with the wrong queen.
But why are you whispering?
AJ's asleep.
Long story.
She got drunk, fell asleep, woke up, and puked on me.
Well, I... I guess it's not that long a story.
- Why are you whispering. - Patrick's sleepin', too.
He came by after the gym and we fooled around.
I was so freaked out because Brianna came by,
screaming about cops and lawyers,
that I didn't think I could have 50 minutes of sex.
- But I did. - [ROBERT] Wait.
AJ's mother came by? What did she say?
Robert... she scared me.
I had every intention of telling her that you were on the way to Texas,
like you told me to...
but she freaked out.
She started going on and on about how you were in trouble
and how she was gonna call a lawyer.
And then she threw a bunch of our most expensive tiaras on the floor.
Side note, we're out $24.
Hey, I'm only looking out for AJ,
and I'm not gonna freak out, because I'm doing nothing wrong.
- Nothing. - [LOUIS] I know.
Look, I know that I haven't always been supportive
of you taking AJ along,
but after seeing her mom like this... you're doing the right thing.
Thank you, Louis.
[LOUIS] And you're so close now.
Taking her to her grandfather's is the right move.
[SIGHS]
- Hello? - Yeah. I'm here.
[SIGHS]
I don't know if I can let her go.
Girl...
I've been... stalling this whole weekend
because I am not ready to say goodbye.
I even tried to convince her to go to the Texas Civil War Museum
to see a cannon.
And you know cannons trigger me.
We are on a slippery slope here.
Now the mom is clean and angry.
You need to take her to her grandfather's. The sooner, the better.
I know. I know I have to.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH] But she's not even gone, and...
[SIGHS]
... I already miss her.
She got in, Louis.
Inside me.
[CRYING SOFTLY] I don't know how it happened...
but it did.
[SIGHS]
I don't know how I can be without her.
You take her where she needs to go,
and then you say your goodbyes.
And then you come home to me, Robert.
I will take care of you.
Like I always do.
Thank you, Louis.
Bye.
- This isn't good. - I only had a spoonful, I swear!
You'll take care of him just like you always do?
Jesus, Louis, every time I turn around, you're on the phone with him.
I'm hot!
I'm April in the policeman's calendar.
- You're clearly in love with Robert. - Say who?
Oh. I can't do this anymore.
- [SCOFFS] - [FOOTSTEPS FADING]
Patrick!
- [PATRICK] Goodbye, Louis! - [DOOR SLAMS]
Patrick?
It's one song.
For $4,000.
I've done a lot more for a lot less.
[WHISPERING] You go and let those bitches have it.
Hello, everyone!
Who's ready for some...
more people to be here.
- [CHUCKLES] - Am I the first to arrive?
Uh, yeah, looks like that. [CHUCKLES]
Uh, you're just early.
I have never been early to anywhere in my entire life.
Wait, it's nearly eight. You told me the party started at 7:15.
I didn't want you to be late. I know how you people are always late.
You mean black people?
No! No. I-I meant drag queens.
Look, I've been around.
It is not my first, second, or third rodeo.
Well, I usually like to make an entrance.
Well, honey, so do I,
but only one person gets to make an entrance at a BBB party,
and that is BBB.
So, what, you want me to pop up from behind the sofa?
'Cause that might be weird for everyone.
Ruby, I think you are really great,
and, probably in some other life, we were together,
so here's the T.
We are out of gin, the salmon puffs didn't,
and the agency sent my ex-boyfriend as one of the cater waiters.
So I'm really gonna need you to get on board with Team Beth right now.
Thank you.
What are you all standing there for? [STAMMERS]
Bryce, do not look at me with those sad eyes.
- Jorge, how long does it take... - [DOORBELL RINGS]
... to make some shish kebabs?
♪ For your love ♪
[SHRIEKS] A drag queen. How fun!
- Oh, leave it to Beth! - Oh, look at that outfit.
- She's got legs for days. - Ah!
Is it "she"? Is it correct to call you she or...
- Wait. That's a guy? - Uh-huh.
[STAMMERS] I don't mean to be rude, but you're a guy?
[IN DEEP VOICE] I won't tell if you don't.
[GROUP LAUGHS]
Oh, I'm not the coat-check person.
Oh, f-forgive him. [CHUCKLES]
I'll have a gin martini.
Oh, but I'm not the bartender either. I'm the evening's entertainment.
- Remember the magician? - Ah.
He was good.
- And wasn't afraid to make a cocktail. - [GROUP CHUCKLES]
Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome. Oh, it is so good to see you.
- Come on in. - Oh, okay.
- How are you? You look great. - Thank you, honey.
- Not everybody can pull off stripes. - Yes, indeedy.
Have fun.
- [MAN] Thank you. - [WOMAN] It's very modern.
When is Beth coming down?
Uh, well, BBB won't make her appearance
until all the guests have arrived,
so about 45 minutes.
- Oh. - Until then, why don't you mingle?
Have fun.
Oh, and why don't you go get yourself acquainted with the stage area?
Oh, you mean the space near the couch? Got it.
[CHUCKLES] Well, the lighting is real good if you stand on the rug.
- Mm. - Oh, and do me a favor.
You see that woman right over there?
Well, she has absolutely zero gay presence on social media.
Why don't you do the Lord's work, go take a selfie with her.
And then later, when BBB comes down...
Right, listen, I need you to BBB quiet for a second.
[SCOFFS]
This isn't what I signed up for.
I'm here to perform and to be a guest.
Robert, I know that you and I have not known each other very long,
well, in this lifetime, but I really want to be open with you.
This marriage is being held together by these parties.
But they have that great mattress.
These parties need to be fun,
- and what is more fun than a drag queen? - [DOORBELL RINGS]
[TOMMY] Ah.
[CHAD] Wow.
Wow!
You brought all that in your overnight bag?
- [CHUCKLES] - You look amazing.
Thank you.
But I'm beginning to think this might have been a mistake.
Oh, no, why? What's the problem?
Well...
Beth isn't coming down for a while, and...
I don't like being in drag unless I'm performing.
I feel very uncomfortable.
And not just because my balls are up inside of me.
- Well, that sure paints a picture. - Yeah.
[STAMMERS] Beth will love this.
I can pay you more money for your trouble.
What's a... ball-park figure? [LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
Come on. That was a funny one.
- Well, really, it's not about money. - How about another thousand?
I mean, I guess I could stay for a bit.
[CHAD] Hey, everybody. Come and meet the incredible Ruby.
Hi.
- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey, there you are.
- How are you feeling? - One day at a time.
Well, it works if you work it.
[TOMMY] Here we go. Magic is about to happen.
She is almost here.
BBB is on her way.
If everybody will just make their way over to the sofa,
we have a really big surprise for you.
[RUBY] Hey, I... I need you to be my spotlight.
I can't. I'm getting food for me and the ghost.
He might start eating again.
Ten minutes.
It's bad enough I'm dancing on a rug.
I need the spot on my face at all times.
- Introduce me. - Oh, okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing...
Ruby Red!
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
[AJ] That's it?
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Ruby Red!
["GOT TO BE REAL" PLAYING]
♪ What you find-ah ♪
♪ What you feel now ♪
♪ What you know-ah ♪
♪ To be real ♪
♪ What you find-ah ♪
No!
No, you are not performin' in drag in my living room!
No, you are not! [GASPS]
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
- ♪ To be real ♪ - Hi, y'all. Hi.
[LAUGHS]
[SINGING ALONG] ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Your love's for real now ♪
♪ You know that your love is my love ♪
♪ My love is your love ♪
♪ Our love is here to stay-ay-ay-ay! ♪
♪ Ooh! ♪
- ♪ What you find-ah ♪ - [BETH WHOOPS AND GIGGLES]
- ♪ I think I love you, baby ♪ - Whoo! [BETH LAUGHS]
♪ I feel I need you ♪
♪ What you know-ah ♪
Whoo!
- ♪ To be real ♪ - Whoo, that was so hot.
Thank you so much. Tommy, you can stop the music now.
- Oh. - ♪ What to find... ♪
- How fun was that, y'all? - [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
- [CHUCKLES] - Okay, everyone, we have got Tommy's Tex-Mex
and some gluten-free lasagna for you more exotic types.
Come on, darling.
- And, Ashley, that color looks so... - [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Okay, AJ, that's enough of the spotlight. - I hear you.
[BETH] The food's not gonna eat itself, y'all.
Champagne?
[GULPING]
[EXHALES]
This is the best lasagna...
I've ever had.
Your mom's a good cook.
She doesn't cook. It's all Tommy.
She doesn't do stuff like that.
At least she's around.
So, what's your plan?
Are you just gonna stay in this room and never come out?
You know, that's kind of an asshole move.
I don't know. I don't really have a plan.
You gotta have a plan. I have one.
My buddy Robert is taking me to my grandfather's.
He's, like, less than an hour away.
Once I'm there, I'm gonna call my mom.
Once she figures out that I'm there... she'll come.
- Where's your mom? - New York.
I haven't answered her texts or calls.
It's the only way to get her attention.
She's a drug addict.
That sucks.
I know, but I think she'll get better once we're all in Texas together.
Just gotta get her out of New York.
She didn't do so well there.
It's a tough city.
I think that sounds like a really good plan.
Thanks.
And I think it'll work.
So what are you waiting for?
Robert. He's my ride.
I'll take you if you wanna go now.
Dude, really?
- No joke? - Yeah.
I'll take you right after we're done eating.
It's none of my business,
but your mom is doing the best that she can.
Maybe.
- Oh, this is great. - [CAMERA CLICKS]
Oh, wait, no. Hang on. This is my better angle.
[CHUCKLES]
- Oh, sorry. It's too much teeth. - Here, wait. Yeah, yeah.
[WOMAN] Oh, okay.
- [CAMERA CLICKS] - [WOMAN] Okay. Thank you.
I appreciate this.
You'd think being a brilliant child therapist
would be enough to get me a few hundred followers, but no.
Can I steal her for a second?
- Oh, yeah, sure. Okay. - [BETH] Thanks.
You don't have to take selfies with people.
Well, according to Tommy, I do.
Silver lining, that woman now has a gay social media presence.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry about all this.
Chad should have just given you some money.
Oh, oh, I wouldn't have just taken money.
I wasn't looking for a handout.
I know, but...
But what?
Robert, you're clearly uncomfortable.
Beth... you're clearly uncomfortable.
I am.
Chad said you had to put your balls up somewhere,
and I feel bad that you had to do all this just for some money.
Well, people do a lot of things just for money.
What does that mean?
Okay, I don't know what's happening right now,
but, please, just go get out of that drag.
Tell you what.
I'll get out of my drag when you get out of yours.
Excuse me?
The hair, the accent, the house, the happy marriage,
the one drink a night?
Excuse me. It is time to play dirty charades.
[CHUCKLES] And none of those suckers stand a chance
'cause I put us all on the same team. Come on.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Champagne?
Yes, it is.
- [TOMMY] You. - Well, Beth sends her apologies,
migraine coming on,
but insists that we continue on without her.
I'm on Tommy and Robert's team now. Sorry, guys.
- Just no movies before 1980. - [SIGHS]
- Me? - Mm-hmm.
Thank you for taking that selfie.
I think it's the thing that finally got me invited
to the after-party.
After-party?
With her girlfriends, in her bedroom.
Excuse me, stop peeking. Give me that and go sit your ass over there.
[LAUGHS]
All right, it is time for dirty charades!
[GUESTS CLAMORING]
Excuse me.
I'm calling it a night.
My bad. I'm just too damn straight.
Yeah, that's always been my problem too.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
[BETH] You are so funny.
I have to tell my husband that one.
Yes?
It's Robert.
You are not doing this to me again.
Doing what, honey?
Shutting me out in the hall when your girlfriends come over.
Well, um... clearly there are some unresolved childhood issues at play,
so we'll say goodnight.
Ladies.
Okay.
- [BETH] Good night, ladies. - [WOMAN 1] Okay.
It was fun, y'all.
- [WOMAN 2] Thank you. - [WOMAN 3] See you at SoulCycle.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[IN NORMAL ACCENT] You hurt my feelings downstairs.
Well, there's your real voice.
Nice to see you again. I missed you.
I'm serious, Robert.
You hurt my feelings too.
Pulling away from me in front of your friends
because you were embarrassed.
Robert, I didn't stop dancing because I was embarrassed of you.
I stopped because I saw that you were embarrassed
and I just wanted to make that stop.
Were you not embarrassed?
Of course I was.
Drag in a living room is always awkward.
It's like drag at a funeral.
At least downstairs I didn't fall into a coffin.
[CHUCKLES] And, for the record, when we were little...
I don't think I shut you out.
Whenever we started playing Barbies, you got up and left.
[SIGHS]
Right.
Because... boys aren't supposed to play with dolls.
[SIGHS]
And I was embarrassed.
- [BETH] Hm. - [SIGHS]
[SCOFFS] Well, I...
know my thorn of the day.
- Is it me? - No.
It's me.
- [SIGHS] - Hey.
I apologize...
for what I said earlier downstairs.
I... I... I... I was totally out of line.
Not totally.
You're right.
I am in drag.
The hair,
the accent, the house,
the happy marriage...
the one drink per night.
Beth...
everybody's in drag.
Which is fine.
As long as they know it.
But if you're unhappy...
let me help you get out of that drag.
[CHUCKLES]
Beth, one more thing.
Yeah?
- The $60,000 mattress. - Mm-hmm?
I would have married for it too. [INHALES SHARPLY]
[CHUCKLES]
This shit is nice!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, girl.
Girrrrl.
Wow. Vintage.
- Cool. - Gets the job done.
So, you're gonna drop me off at Pop Pop's
and then bring this right back, right?
Uh, yep. Where's the button to turn on the car?
There is no button.
You need this key.
Oh.
[ENGINE STARTS]
You do know how to drive, right?
My parents took away my car before I ever used it,
but how hard can it be? [CHUCKLES]
Let's go to Pop Pop's!
To Pop Pop's!
[ROBERT] AJ?
Adam?
AJ?
[RV ENGINE REVS]
[GASPS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[GASPS]
AJ!
[PANTING]
I'm cool!
My arm's not broke again.
[ADAM] I'm okay.
Adam's cool too.
[SIGHS]
[LAUGHS]
Do you know where you are?
In Hell.
What's your name?
Amber Jasmine, unfortunately.
Okay, good. You're okay.
I panicked when I looked out and saw the RV tipped over.
Why? I've survived a lot worse.
I know you have.
So were you just gonna leave without saying goodbye?
I'm not really...
good at goodbyes.
No. Can I be honest?
I'm really struggling with letting you go.
In case you haven't noticed,
I've been trying to drag out my time with you.
I sort of kind of got that idea
when you kept pushing the Civil War Museum.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
It's just, I have a bigger plan, you know?
I have to go.
[CRYING] I know.
I've just...
gotten used to having you around.
[ROBERT SOBS]
[CRYING] It's okay, buddy. You're okay.
You're doing good.
[BOTH CRYING]
Here.
This might help.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
[ROBERT] She's pretty.
- [AJ] You're prettier, though. - [ROBERT LAUGHS]
It was so wonderful to see you again.
I hope that we can stay in touch.
Be more than just Facebook friends.
Henny, after everything we went through last night...
we already are.
- Well, let's keep it that way. - [ROBERT LAUGHS]
- You know, I kind of miss the accent. - And I miss your hair.
Well, Robert, me and some of my boys from the site
got the RV back upright.
Workin' fine.
This is one of those times when being too damn straight
is a good thing.
[IN TEXAS ACCENT] Aw! That's my big, handsome, straight husband.
Yeah, I missed it.
Oh, good, because I can't not have an accent
and not drink and live in Texas.
- [LAUGHS] - Let's get on the road.
Ah, Beth, the juice.
It's just juice.
It's good to see you, honey.
Okay.
A little at a time.
Ah.
You ready, Bob?
Okay, everyone, I have a surprise. [TOMMY LAUGHS]
And, no, it is not muffins.
- Tommy! - No, it's Fanny.
Fanny Pack. [LAUGHS]
Oh, thank goodness.
For a second, I thought that was Chad's mother.
Oh, you know, every housewife at that party last night
now has to have a drag queen at their next event.
Ka-ching, ka-ching. Mama's gonna make that money, honey.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[TOMMY] Oh, yeah.
Okay, yeah. Uh, I'm more than ready to go now, little girl.
Well, I didn't have a drink yet today, so...
I may have broken the chain.
Okay, kiddo. Next stop, Pop Pop's.
No.
Next stop...
Dallas.
What?
You think I came all this way to not see you win that pageant?
No. No, I did not!
[CHUCKLES] Are you sure?
Yeah.
And, um...
do we need this?
[LAUGHS] Let me see.
No, we're good.
[AJ] Yeah, I had a great plan.
But what I wasn't planning on...
was liking him so much.
[ROBERT] Last stop, Dallas!
[AJ] Whoo-hoo!
["I'M ON MY WAY" PLAYING]
♪ I got caught in the rain ♪
♪ I thought the sky was fallin' down ♪
♪ I couldn't weather the pain ♪
♪ But I kept my faith, I stood my ground ♪
♪ From the pain of the past ♪ ♪ Gonna be free at last ♪
♪ Doesn't matter what they say ♪
♪ Sparkles in my eyes ♪ ♪ Like a phoenix arise ♪
♪ I'll be happy, free, and gay ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ Nothing can stop me now ♪ ♪ No one can bring me down ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ Just let me show you how ♪ ♪ My senses guide me now ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ Nothing can stop me now ♪ ♪ No one can bring me down ♪
[ECHOING] ♪ I'm on my way ♪
[TWINKLING CHIMES]
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -