Oh, mate, the English Riviera.
Tell you what, if this coastline could talk,
my word, it would have some stories.
Mother Nature, my love, I salute you.
Outstanding.
Come and sit down, babe.
Isn't this fabulous? Eh?
All of this on our doorstep.
Gal, seriously, move out of my sun.
It's going to be raining tomorrow.
You cannot trust the English weather.
Well, you can, because I've checked in with the weather man
and all of the apps what there is
and we are promised a week of glorious sunshine.
So, kick back and relax, Mother. You're in for one.
Babe, thanks for this. It's exactly what I needed, you know?
Just to chill and be composed.
Oh, here he is. You all right, Dad? How's that room? Tasty?
Gloomy. Borstal soap in the bathroom.
Someone's left a flaky comb in the mini-bar.
Apart from that, it's all right.
Listen, I want to ask this once - can you two please
just enjoy yourselves while you're here? This is my special treat.
We're not moaning, boy.
I'm just saying, the hotel is a bit tired, you know.
Right, we're going to get these pasties. Who's on board?
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm glued to the pool, sun worshipping.
Get me one, yeah?
Grandad says it's the best thing he's ever eaten. Yeah?
Short crust pastry, lean meat, diced veg,
just the right amount of swede,
and the key ingredient, white pepper.
They weigh as much as a small cat. Oh, yummy.
I tell you what, I'm getting hungry just talking about them.
You coming with us, Denise?
Oh, no way, Ted Boy. No way am I going down the front there.
I'm staying up here. It's safer.
You ain't got to do nothing you don't want to, girl.
What? What are you going on about?
Seagulls. Me and Big Gal came down here about 30 years back.
That's when I first had the pasties. Ohh.
Gary was just a baby. Yeah, but I still remember some of it.
You know, like smells and stuff.
Anyway, we was down the front, we was minding our own.
I had some chips.
And it came from nowhere, swooping down from the Gods.
Massive seagull, like an albatross. Flew straight into her canister.
Right into my face, knocked me sparko. Uh!
I was so proud of you that day, 'nisey.
You beat the ten count, you was up before the seagull.
When he did get up, he was proper spangled.
He didn't fly off for ten minutes, the mug!
Oh, I admire you for coming down here.
No wonder you've been such a mardy cow.
Right, we're off. What shall I get, a dozen?
I'll try to have one but it might bring back my flashbacks again.
Come on, Ted. Let's go.
You watch out for them gulls, boys. Keep an eye up in the air.
Tel? Babe? What you looking at?
Oh, no, no, nothing. They look an interesting pair, don't they?
Nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, they don't.
They don't, babe.
What? No, no, no, no. We made a pact. We made a deal.
No holiday pals on this number.
It's all about me, you and Ted having some QT, all right?
No, I know. I'm not saying we make holiday pals. I'm just...
You know, I'm just interested in what they're all about, you know?
Might send over a couple of fruit kebabs as a little ice breaker,
you know? You rein that in.
You rein it in because this is a King family vacation, all right?
No infiltrators, and no new boats welcome.
And I'm standing firm on that as man of the family.
All right. PHONE RINGS
I simply must get this. Stay where you are.
Mum, please just keep an eye on her, yeah?
Hello. Gary King speaking. Yes.
Oh, all right. OK. Sweet.
SEAGULL SQUAWKS Oh!
Oh, I can't relax. They know I'm here! I keep hearing them.
Mother... I'm going inside.
I'm safer in there. I'm safer indoors.
Do you know what? One of you smells absolutely delicious. Who is it?
Or is it both of you?
Honestly, my schnozzle is having a right old field day.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, here he is, love of my heart. My big bear.
This is my Gary. Gary, this is Mary.
Marie Laure. Yeah, nice one. Bonjour. Thank you, yeah.
Such a feminine name, innit?
Yeah, yeah. And this is Fred.
Hello, pal. You all right there, mush? Hello.
Hi. Hello, how you doing? You all right? Babe, how beautiful are they?
Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. No, no, I think I've...
Just having a little walk over, I thought, "Cor, we've got
"a right pair of sorts on our hands here. A lovely looking couple."
HE SPEAKS FRENCH
What's that, mush? What did you say?
Excuse me, I am saying you're... You're a big man.
Do you mind, maybe get out of my sun?
Oh, sorry. Sorry for that. Like a big man. Like a big wall.
Oh, yes. No, no, no, that's.. That's weird, cos that's my nickname.
Yeah. When I play all the football.
I was centre back, so, yeah, they called me Brick Walls!
Yeah, you can't... You can't get past me.
Or round you. THEY LAUGH
He loves it, don't he? No. Are you a big football fan then, Fred, mate?
No, I don't like it particularly. No.
So, what about the boy? He into football?
No, not really. This is Louis, but he prefers reading.
He's, like, a very studious boy.
Aww. Oh, right, yes, yeah. He's a nerd, then, a bookworm.
Our boy is the same. Loves it. Always got his...
Always got his hooter in a book, ain't he?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Babe, babe, Mary works for YSL as a buyer.
Oh, lovely. Well done, you. Good for you. Nice one. Good, yes.
Do you know of YSL? Yes, yeah. No, no, I do. Yeah, Mary.
I used to wear their clobber all the time,
but then someone told me that what it stands for is
"You Sad Loser" and I thought, "No, swerve that now."
MARIE LAUGHS
No, it doesn't mean what you said, it means Yves Saint Laurent.
Oh, yeah. No, no, he knows that. He's just joking, babe.
Oh. OK sorry! Although I've got to say, Mary,
when you say that, it sounds really sexy in your voice.
Oh. Yeah. Cor, look at you both.
Do you know what, you're that perfect
you could be brother and sister.
So how'd you both meet, then?
Erm...
THEY SPEAK FRENCH
Around ten years ago, there was this little patisserie
near where I lived, and I used to go there
every morning for my breakfast.
Pain au raisin was it that you had? Pain au raisin?
No, coffee and croissant. OK. Make you right. Make you right.
HE BURPS
And I start to notice this gentleman. He smiles at me.
Me.
This patisserie wasn't even close to my home, you know.
It was the only way I knew I could see this beautiful creature.
This happens for months.
And then one morning, I'm waiting in line
and there's a tap on my shoulder.
I turn around.
It was me.
He said...
SHE SPEAKS FRENCH
That's sensational. It's like a film.
What does it mean?
Something like, "I'm sorry to disturb you
"but my head's been overruled by my heart, my senses by my passion.
"I need to know your name."
Marie Laure.
We met in Faliraki in 1998, summer season.
Yeah, it was, like, proper random,
cos we, like, used to live in the same manor, but we'd never met.
No, no, no, but she'd heard of me because I was a bit of a face.
I mean, I still am. Oh, whoa. No, no, no.
We started getting hold of one another on and off
throughout the season, right?
Yeah, like French kissing, a little top off only, playing tummy sticks.
But I didn't know how serious he was about me, though.
I was proper serious. Oh, big time.
So, on the last day what we was there,
I booked this little restaurant.
Well, it was more like a little shack, seafood
sort of thing on the seafront. Yeah.
I see this little old Greek fella in the corner,
he's got a guitar with him.
I said, "Mate, play her favourite song of all time. Play it for her."
And he did it acoustic.
Which song?
Alright by East 17. Melted my heart, Mary.
Honestly, it had me in pieces.
Anyway, that was it. We've been together ever since, do you know what I mean?
I wouldn't change a single second of it.
And that's what love is, isn't it? You know,
we all go round different roads but we all end up in love.
So, yeah, it's cool.
Babe, let's get another bottle in. Get them some glasses.
Yeah, I don't... Really?
No, no, no, it's only 10.30 and we missed breakfast.
No, No. Eh, babe, eating's cheating!
John! Johnny boy!
Couple more glasses over here, son, and another bottle of fizz.
No, no. Take your time but hurry up, son!
Seriously, we don't need to drink, we're fine, it's morning.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, you're out with us now.
We are going to have a proper session. Buckle up.
THEY LAUGH
Go on, neck that. Go on. You're behind.
No, no. Mon amour, sante.
Go on, mate. Get that down you.
Sante. Allez, sante.
I've been texting, I've been calling,
I was worried about the gulls.
I left my phone here. I don't need it.
Gary, what is the point of having a phone if you don't take it with you?
Listen, I don't need this, I've had an absolute mare.
I could not find that pasty shop.
But you've been gone hours. I've been walking for miles!
Little Ted was in pieces. His feet were bleeding.
We finally called off the search at 1700 hours,
both of us dead on our feet and starving.
What, you haven't eaten anything? HE LAUGHS
Why can no-one understand? This delicacy must be savoured.
You cannot compromise or pollute your taste buds elsewhere!
You're going to have to eat sooner or later, Gary.
No.
I've got to find this place, but my brain is shot to pieces.
I see the place. I see it.
In my mind's eye.
I see the doorway. The doorway, the doorway. The old lady -
there's an old lady with a fat old face.
She's behind the jump.
She's laughing. And there's a girl outside.
Oh, she's got a bad knee.
She's wearing a beret.
I smell... I smell the pasties.
I smell them, darling.
Come with me! Face your fears!
I can't. I can't chance it down there with them gulls.
Denise, I need this pasty.
Gal, babe, can you come here, please?
Tel, you all right, babe? You OK?
Mate, wow. Wow.
Mate. Oh, mate.
Ain't it too much, babe? It's, like, too much for me.
Look at his skinny white baked beans. I know, like proper fitted.
Can't I just wear a tracksuit, Dad?
Tracksuits are breakfast buffet only. Mm.
And listen, imagine how impressed Louis will be, eh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, think about...
Sorry, Louis? Who is...?
You know, Louis - Fred and Mary's little one.
You know the couple we met by the poolside. French ones.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's coming back to me.
Yeah, but that's got nothing to do with Teddy
and his incredible outfit,
because Teddy's out with us tonight, so...
Oh no, no, no, we're all going out together. Down the Riverside Club, yeah.
Sorry, what?
Like... In a way like we're all going together as one entity?
Or it's just a bit of a coincidence,
and they're also going to the Riverside?
I'm just befuddled by it all.
Well, no, they hadn't booked a table but they really wanted to go,
so I said, "Oh, I'll pop you on ours."
I've had a table booked for months, though, because it's... This is...
This is a very special dinner for three. For three. Three people.
One, two, three.
I know, I know, but we could go out to dinner any time, couldn't we?
And besides, I've changed the table now, I'll look silly if I cancel.
This is precisely why I said no holiday pals!
Honestly, babe, this is why!
Because what happens is I spend all of my time
with a bunch of fraggles that I don't even know
when I want to be with my Tel-bel and my Ted. There, I said it.
Yeah, well, I didn't know we were going to meet French people
by the seaside, did I?
Look, you... You just need to chill out, babe. Seriously.
I'm so actually chilled with it,
but this is an absolute information ambush!
Look, look, look, look - Mary promised me some little bits.
You know, YSL bits, and you know I love a freeman's, can't resist it.
Look, I'm... All I'm asking for is one night, just tonight. Please.
Well, you know what you're doing.
Well, this is an unfair thing now
because you're fluttering your greens at me,
and you know that that melts me.
I feel like dew on a rose petal,
or I feel like I'm lost at sea on a tiny little boat
when I'm looking in those eyes. Completely lost within them.
It will be a yes, then, won't it? You've done your eyes trick.
So, yeah, Ted gets to see Louis, you get to see the French people
and I get to have an eve... Yeah.
OK. Thank you.
Amazing.
Cheers. Salut. THEY LAUGH
Sante. Oh, sante.
THEY LAUGH
You know, see, the thing about me, Mary,
is I'm a lover of all cultures and creeds.
I mean, we've met people from all over the planet, all over the world.
We've kept in contact with nearly all our holiday pals, you know. Wow.
So, you take friends from holiday back to your normal life?
Oh, yeah, yeah, we've got loads, babe.
Yeah, I call them the holiday mas-i-i-ive!
THEY LAUGH
Yeah, who have we got? We've got Myrtle and Jilly Carey.
We met them in Turkey but they're from Derby in England.
Then there's Wayne and Sally Stoop from Glasgow in Scotland.
And then there's Canadian gay couple, Robert and Luke -
hysterical. Met them in Thailand and we actually went to their wedding
in Rome. What a scream that was.
And you stay friends with all these people? Like, all of them?
Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, most of them, most of them.
Yeah, there's this one fella called Dave, from Manchester.
We met him in Tenerife. He calls us every Christmas.
I actually think he may have killed his wife,
but, yeah, for the most part, holiday friendships
are some of the most varied and exotic bonds
a person could ever wish for, do you know what I mean?
Wow, that's great.
Those glasses, I've got to say, are proper. Can I try them on?
Would you mind? Is that cheeky?
Oh no, no. Bien sur. What did you say then? Bish-a-bush?
Bien sur - of course.
Oh, of course. Sounds so sexy, Mary. Stop talking.
Actually, babe, will you take a little pic for me?
Is that all right? Pop it on the Insta.
OK, OK, yep. OK, ready? Yeah.
Oh, beautiful. They suit you. Yeah?
Hold on, I'll do one, two, three. Un, deux, trois.
Mbappe? Hmm?
You having him? Having a drop with him? Good player. Very...
Very quick, good goal scorer.
Shows a lot of maturity for a boy of his age
out on the pitch and all that.
Yes. OK, yeah.
Thierry Henry?
Mm-hm. He was rapid, wasn't he?
I used to watch him when he played for the Gooners. But great player.
Very lovely looking player. Very good, yeah.
Mm, absolutely. If you like, yes. Yeah.
But if I'm going to tell you my favourite French player
of all time, the GOAT, the greatest of all time...
..Zinedine Zidane, that's your man.
You know, it's very wasted on me, this football chat. Sorry, man.
It's just not...not for me.
Sorry, what...? Where are you going?
Oh, going to pop up there, get little cocktails.
No, get it to the table, I'll get it ordered there.
THEY SPEAK FRENCH
I love that. I love that. See you in a bit.
Bonjour, mon amour. Bye!
THEY LAUGH
Um... Do you know something...?
Do you mind just looking after the children
just for a moment? I'll be back.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. Of course, mate. No, it's cool.
I don't need the details.
You two doing your...? All right?
Go and get it. Go.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, I'm going to wee! I'm going to wee! Babe, you all right?
No, but honestly, I...
What's in the cocktail? It's, er...
Oh, no, it's my own. I basically invented it.
I just made it up on the spot.
You are so funny. Yeah, funny looking...
No! Fun to be with.
I'll add you on Facebook and WhatsApp immediately, babe.
OK, I trust you.
Oh, boob bump. Come on. Boob bump? Oh, OK.
THEY LAUGH Bring it in, sister.
SHE VOMITS
Oh, Christ!
Look at you, Tel. You are in bits and pieces.
You're fragmented, babe. Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
You're one in a million, honestly.
We'll say no more about it, then. Just freshen yourself up, girl.
Boat leaves at 10.
A boat? You're kidding, aren't you? I can't go on a boat, babe, nah.
Nah, I'm feeling proper gippy, and it's both ends.
I've got a touch of the green apple splatters. I can't handle that.
Babe, we have been looking forward to this boat for absolutely ages!
All of us together out there on the high seas!
Oh... Little bit of sea fishing.
Coming home at sunset as a pink hue falls on the escapades!
No, look, just go with Teddy, eh? Have a little boys' day out.
He'd love that. Wouldn't you, Ted?
He's coming anyway! It's a family thing, right?
Looks like it's just the two of us, yeah, mate?
Looks like it. Oh, God. I need you to get out. Out! Out immediately!
Can't see me like this. Out!
SHE VOMITS
You all right?
Better than all right. Marvellous, in fact.
I have a way of getting to the pasties.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought you said you couldn't remember where it was.
Your mother can, though.
Your father had a light-bulb moment first thing this morning, at 3am.
Yeah. Couldn't kip, tossing and turning. Well, that bed didn't help.
Oh, no, that bed - it's like sleeping on a field of broccoli.
And then it hit me.
You ready for this, kid? Go on, mate.
We're going to drive down there. Your mother can direct me.
She doesn't have to get out the motor,
and the motor will act as a force field against the seagulls.
They can't get in cars!
I don't want to be a spanner in the works here, guys,
but a lot of these little seaside towns, see,
they're pedestrianised. You can't even get a car near them!
Yeah, well, I'm out of options here now!
I've got to get to these pasties!
It's just a chance we'll have to take.
Well, on my heart, I wish you both the best of luck.
All right. Ta-ra.
Come on.
SEAGULLS SQUAWK
Don't worry. Everything's going to be OK.
I'll just go and get the motor. Drive it right to the door.
I'll drive it right in the lobby if I have to.
There you are.
Don't capsize the boat! THEY LAUGH
Yeah. Here we go, boy. Come on, Ted.
Welcome aboard the A-Salt-Weapon.
I was stunned when you said there'd just be the two of you,
when obviously you'd been specific with booking for three.
Well, yeah, there was just a bit of a change of plans.
Then I saw you this morning heading towards me, I thought,
"Nope, that's definitely just two people."
HE LAUGHS Father and son, as said.
Yeah, well, looking forward to it.
Oh, I'm going to get a crick neck looking up at you all day.
Don't hit me! Well, no, I won't.
The lady didn't fancy it, no?
Nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah. She, er... too hung over, honestly.
Aren't we all?
HE LAUGHS
Ahoy there, sea lads.
What you doing here?
Wanted to come and say merci for yesterday night's dinner.
So nice, really.
Hey.
Well, yeah, that's fine. And how is Mary this morning?
Er... Delicate.
She's, er, not able to drink, huh?
Yeah, well, Terri is in absolute pieces, she's not good at all,
so kind of sort of destroyed my plans just a little bit.
So it's OK to come aboard?
What? It's OK by me.
Well, it's not really any of your business, mate. Erm...
Yeah, erm, yeah. Of course it is, yeah, yeah.
Go on, then. We'll make the most of it. We'll have a boys' day of it.
On you come, then, little Louis.
Little bit of fishing, mate. We'll have a right laugh, won't we?
So, er... What you doing there? You get..
Oh, yeah, do that. That's great. Nice one there, Fred, yeah,
it'll be fun and... See you back at the hotel.
What? You're not coming?
No, I don't have the.. the water legs, OK? Ciao!
Hold up, Fred. For a second there... Fred... Mate...
Catch me a fish! Louis, pay attention!
Bon voyage!
So it is just the three of you after all. Funny old life, innit?
HE LAUGHS
Don't hit me!
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
That's it! That's the one!
Hurry back, Gary.
Thank you, Denise.
SEAGULL CAWS
THUD!
Set me free, why don't you, babe?
Get out my life, why don't you, babe?
Cos you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on...
And he just sat there on the bonnet
and we just stared at each other,
and I know it was him.
And everything that's happened in the past between us
had been forgiven forever.
It was, like, over 30 years ago. How could that have been him?
Look, it was him Tel, all right? Just let it be.
Cor, aren't these something special?
Everything I remember and more.
Peppery. White pepper.
Oi, oi, there he is - Captain Pugwash.
You all right, babe? Did you have a nice day?
Did you have a laugh, Teds?
Yeah, it was proper fun. Ha-ha-ha!
Yeah, we had a fun time.
You all enjoying yourselves, yeah?
Oh, yeah, babe. So relaxing in here.
Mary's let me keep her YSL shades.
I'm happy for ya. Really, I am. I'm over the moon.
How about you, Fred, mate?
Nice and relaxed, are you? Having a little kick-back?
Yeah, it's great. Perfect, thank you. Just reading.
Great, great. You could have told me he doesn't swim.
Oh, well, I, er...
I didn't think it was important, really.
He's been on a boat for eight hours, mate, scared out of his wits.
Been like a dog on firework night.
Seem a bit uptight, Gary.
Uptight? Maybe try chill out, you know, relax this holiday.
I've not even started, mate.
I have not even started.
You've had me Mannied off twice now. Twice.
Treating me like a Manny Poppins. What am I, a creche?
I've spent more time with your boy than my wife on this holiday.
Just saying. Well, what can I say? You're good with children, you know?
It's nice to see. They like you. Ah, don't come it, you snake.
Oof. OK.
Do you know why I'm so good with kids?
Cos I take it serious. I'm a very proud member of Team Dad.
Very proud.
Let me tell you something - and this is a newsflash - you ain't
getting anywhere near Team Dad. Not even on the bench of Team Dad.
You're not even going to get in the French Team Dad,
and they'll take anyone. OK, that's fine with me.
You found the pasties, then? That's good.
Yeah, they're all gone, son.
No, they were so delicious we got carried away.
I've had two and Fred's had two.
Eaten me pasties as well, have ya?
Full belly of pasties, Fred?
Come on, Gary, it's just a pasty.
What?
I said it's just a pasty, man. Ha-ha!
It's far more than just a pasty!
It's everything what I had planned.
All the nice things that I had planned have been kiboshed.
Babe, babe, I think you're exaggerating a little bit.
Just have a drink, yeah?
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY A drink?
Nah-ah! A drink. I tell you,
and this can go to everyone round the pool,
holiday's over for Gary!
No more holiday! Holiday ruined!
Checking out. Just going to go walk it on the dunes
and have a think to myself, yeah?
Done.
Babe!
Bye.
SHE SIGHS
A little bit OTT, no?
Yeah, he's just a bit of a dramatic wally, Fred. Yeah.
Can't find him anywhere.
It's like he's vanished off the place of the planet.
If Gary don't want to be found, he won't.
He was an amazing hide and seeker as a boy.
Commonwealth class, considering his size.
Oh, he's got a sulk on and a biblical one at that.
I ain't even going to front it - I'm worried.
MESSAGE ALERT Mum!
Dad has text.
Oh, thank God, he's alive. What's he playing at, the melon?
He says meet him at the jetty.
"Alone.
"We need to talk.
"Exclamation mark."
It's a bit much, all this, innit, Gal?
I'm going to need you to be quiet, Tel.
See, I've been trying to get you on your jacks for the last
couple of days now.
I know, I know, and I'm really sorry about that, babe.
Well, there was a reason why I wanted to get you on your own,
though, in all fairness,
I should have done this a long, long time ago.
But, erm...
Well, as we were saving for a flat and I put it off a little bit
and, er...then Teddy come along
and work got busy, the next thing I know we were...
Well, buying a house, and, er...
Well, life just got in the way.
Then the years, they just rolled on past and I'm sorry for that.
Because, erm...you deserve more than that.
Years and years ago, I promised you the wedding of your dreams.
And, erm... Well, I'm standing by that promise.
So, er...
Oh, Gal.
See, every King...
..needs a queen.
To share his kingdom with - in name, in title, the lot.
The full ca-bundle.
So I'm asking you now...
..Terri Rachel Grumble, would you do me the honour of being my bride?
Course I will, you soppy mug.
HE EXHALES
On that one.
GUITAR PLAYING IN DISTANCE
Don't you worry cos it's all right
Don't you worry, child of the night...
Cos in the morning come with the new day sun...
Is that him? Is...is that the actual one?
Yeah, course it is.
Hunted him down. I had to get him here for this, for this moment.
Let the light of love shine through...
Bless him.
It's all right It's all right
It's really all right
It's all right...
Is this you?
Yeah, course.
I wanted it to be perfect, babe.
You muppet! Come here!
We're getting married! I know.
Everything's going to be all right
It's really all right.
All right, all right
Everything's going to be all right
All right, all right
Everything's going to be all right
All right, all right
Everything's going to be all right
All right, all right
It's really all right
It's really all right.