I'm just... I'm so excited to tell you guys...
Louis, when's it your turn to speak?
I'm on a tight schedule, and I can't waste time
listening to these HOA ladies squawk about "community spirit."
Soon.
And while summering in Tuscany...
You were there for four days. In May.
I noticed the locals
sitting in the piazza all day long,
which inspired the theme for our new median.
Say buon giorno... to Piazza del Eastview.
And it's more than just a traffic diversion.
It is neutral territory for community bonding.
"Community."
I mean, we're gonna have a ribbon-cutting ceremony
- next week and... - Okay, we get it, lady.
Let's move on.
Okay, next item on the agenda,
I believe we have a Louis Huang?
Thanks, son.
Uh, hey everyone.
Many of you know me as the peppy owner
of, uh, Cattleman's Ranch,
the award-winning steakhouse located right off I-4,
uh, now offering a chopped Cobb.
Um, but today, I'd like to reintroduce myself
as Louis Huang, business consultant
and founder of Lou For You Consulting.
- Ugh. - Enh.
Uh, still finding the name.
Uh, after weeks of soul searching,
I found my purpose...
Helping others realize their small-business dreams.
And I'm relying on referrals from people like you...
Well, what kind of profit margins
are we talking about here?
Um, I'm just starting,
so it must be somewhere around zero.
Oof.
What have you done to promote your business?
Uh, well, there's this.
Uh, and an e-commerce conference coming up.
Oh! My mother's Mahjong tournament.
Different ballrooms, same Radisson.
I am so excited for this new chapter of your life, Louis.
What are your Q3 profit projections?
You tied up in assets, or are you free to move?
How robust is your client portfolio?
Uh...
Um, w... Uh...
S... I-I-I-I don't know yet, but, um...
Well, if you don't have any clients,
you're not a real business, Louis.
Get out of here.
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
Honey, I know it's hard to get out with two little ones,
so I brought you something to nibble on...
Slab of ribs and our famous chopped Cobb.
Thanks, Louis.
I'm always happy to help. It's kinda my thing.
Or it was before Deidre crushed my dreams.
Well, that's kinda Deidre's thing.
That and a Mariah-level cackle.
Well, she very publicly noted
that my new consulting business has no clients and no money.
Technically, we're in the red
since printing these business cards.
This a business card
or an invitation to a really weird party?
Yeah, I haven't landed on a company name.
According to Deidre, I haven't even landed on a company.
Tune her out.
She is just a bottle blonde with low bone density.
- That's easier said than done. - Not really.
I use the same technique for my girls.
When I need a break and they refuse to nap,
I just shut off the baby monitor for a few minutes.
Oh, God. Sorry.
TMI.
No, Jessica and I did the same thing with the boys.
Only we didn't have a baby monitor.
That's how we got hooked on "Mork & Mindy."
More like "Mindy & Mork," if you ask me.
Oh, it is so good to hear
I'm not the only parent who struggles.
I swear, when it's not magical,
it's a waking nightmare.
Oh, there's no middle ground.
It's either nirvana or a sledgehammer to the crotch.
Yes.
I wish more parents would share this kind of thing.
Hey, you should start a web log on Live Diary.
I don't understand any of those words.
It's a new Internet platform I heard about at that conference.
People write posts to share their thoughts anonymously.
Hmm. What I'm hearing is
I can do it while wearing pajamas?
That sounds great.
Ooh, I could call it "TMI:
True Mommy Insights."
That's perfect. I can help.
And now that we're throwing around names,
what do you think about Louniversal Consulting?
I'll leave that to Lou.
I don't get it.
I like hard tacos,
but I can fit more soft tacos in my purse.
What are you guys laughing at?
Is Marvin at it with that stray cat again?
Don't plant berries if you don't want mischievous kitties.
It's opening day for Thanksgiving Turkeys
at the grocery store.
It's already Turkey Tango Time?
The holiday season begins when folks come together
and fight to the death over big, frozen birds.
It was one of the best years yet.
Tie-Dye Tim brought a lasso.
A lasso!
- I can't believe this. - Me, neither.
Tie-Dye Tim told me he wasn't into rope stuff.
The boys and I have never missed a Turkey Tango.
30 people, 15 turkeys.
Something's gotta give.
Ohh, Carol-Joan and Deidre
both have their claws in a 20-pounder.
C-J, use the other hand to slap.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
It is one of my favorite shopping fights of the year.
It's like Thunderdome without the dome.
And with an aisle.
Thunderaisle.
Why wouldn't they invite me?
They are at that age
where you are not interesting to them anymore.
I am also at that age.
No, that's not it.
I've just been so busy lately
with studying and job applications.
They need a reminder that I can be the life of the party.
I don't think you know what a party is.
Ah.
"At the end of the day, children are like silverware.
You don't have to clean them that well...
Just get the food off."
Amazing first post.
And sticking your head in the freezer
to muffle your screams is a great tip.
Because sound doesn't travel through cold air.
Publish it.
And we can track how many people are reading
with the view counter.
One view.
Our first view!
Refresh the page.
- Uh... - Two views. Click again.
Three! You're famous! Oh!
Wait a second. Wait, I think we're ticking up
the view counter.
- Four, five, six. - Oh. Oh.
Maybe we should just log off for a while.
In the meantime, can I run some new company names by you?
Or maybe we c...
Here we go.
_
Okay. Oh.
Sure, it's long, but there's something about
C.S. Louis and the Chronicles of Consulting that feels right.
I think we've waited long enough.
Oh, my God, Louis.
100 views?!
Triple didgies! Honey, you maternal genius!
This is great!
Oh, I'm so glad you encouraged me to do this.
Me too.
See, this is why I started
Stand and DeLOUver Consulting.
Who knew so many people out there
would care about my parenting problems?
Yeah.
It's an untapped market.
There were ones you chose not to say?
I mean, at least Lou Cheese Dressing is a pun.
So, that one?
You fools lace them up?
That's what they want you to do.
Okay!
Who's ready for some fun?
- What's happening? - Oh, no. The gas leak's back again.
I know I've been busy lately,
so I thought I'd set aside one hour of concentrated fun time
for us to spend together.
Say hello...
to the Family Fun Activity Wheel!
Hello, Wheel!
See? Fun.
Is that just a chore wheel
but with "dusting" crossed out
and "roast Grandma" written in?
Oh, we were gonna go to the ribbon cutting ceremony
for the piazza.
Apparently, "piazza" is not "pizza" in Italian,
so I still have to learn how to say "pizza" in Italian.
Carol-Joan's diving into the Italian theme.
Marvin's gonna teach everyone bocce.
Play on the dirt hill later.
But the ribbon will be cut.
Let's have some quality time together.
Have some fun. Spin the wheel.
Sorry, Ma. Maybe next time.
I hear there's a moozarelle tasting.
Mozzarelle!
"Spin again"?
Why is that on there?
So, uh, tech support,
how do I know which pop-ups are viruses
and which ones really are $100?
Louis! I have good news!
What's all this?!
"TMI" just hit 1,000 views.
Quaddie didgies?!
We're in the big leagues, baby!
Honey, that's incredible!
Perfect time for me to tell you about my news.
I incorporated "TMI" as a business.
You did?
And I'm taking you on as my very first client.
Oh, I don't think you have to...
Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup. I know what you're thinking,
and I refuse to charge you a single cent.
We're both real businesses now!
We are?
Unh-unh.
We're on the clock.
Okay, so, first order of business...
Uh, marketing.
Wait. Maybe we should order dinner.
It's 3:00 in the afternoon.
You didn't hire me to think in the present.
You hired me to think ahead.
You turned my blog into a business?
But I'm just doing "TMI" for fun.
Well, what's more fun than a tax-sheltered,
limited liability S-corp?
As a business, we can reach more parents.
Wow, you did a lot of unsolicited work.
The hard part was sneaking into Evan's room
and stealing his graph paper.
He's a light sleeper.
Anyway,
I booked your very first major promotional opportunity.
"Good Morning Orlando."
What?
But I'm not TV-ready.
I forgot what real pants even feel like,
and I lost a Ricola in my hair a week ago.
I saw it fall out yesterday.
Okay, but, I mean, online, I'm anonymous.
Exposing myself in real life is scary.
More risk, more reward.
Starting my own business was terrifying, too,
but I'm finally feeling good about it,
especially now that I have my very first client.
Okay, there's no harm in trying.
Uh, there is with crystal meth.
Boys! A grocery store in Sanford just got their turkeys,
so I thought we'd all go down and...
Why are you all dressed like European hobos?
We're headed out to the piazza.
We all caught the bocce bug.
And I caught the toga bug.
I'm one safety pin away from nudity,
and I love the thrill.
That fake park thing is still going on?
How is that more fun than spending time with your mother?
Carol-Joan's scooping gelato!
Prego, boys!
No, wait. You can't go.
- Why? - Because...
it's racist.
Against Italians?
I guess it's a little on the nose.
No, against us.
An Asian family moves onto the block,
and suddenly, we need a median to solve our "driving issues"?
Wake up.
Suddenly?
We moved here six years ago.
And to be fair, we've had our share of driving incidents.
Hey.
Feels like a reach.
You dilute the movement with stuff like that, Ma.
Oh, my God.
Meatball's playing "Ave Maria."
That's my jam.
Ciao bella, mamma mia.
Now that's racist.
If you want to spend time with them,
then just go out there.
But I want quality time with the boys,
not watch Carol-Joan eat gelato and say,
"It's not as good as it was on holiday."
She was hammered the whole time.
Of course it was good.
You're trying too hard.
No wonder they prefer the median.
It smells like grass, not desperation.
You're right.
I must destroy the median.
You always take the wrong lesson.
_
Good morning, Orlando.
Gus and Mey-Mey back at ya.
Two seconds in, you're off-script.
This morning, we have Honey Ellis,
the voice of popular parenting Internet blog, "TMI!"
As a mother myself, I love it.
- Really?! - Oof.
Oh, that's wonderful to hear.
I thought I was the only one who ignored my kids.
Sometimes, I go days pretending I can't hear him.
Days?
You have a kid?
So, Honey, now, what would you say
is the secret behind "TMI's" success?
Well, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my friend
and business consultant, Louis Huang.
He's backstage right now.
Oh, he's right over there.
Oh. Oh, he's coming over.
Oh, he mic'd himself.
Uh, hi. Thank you for having me on.
You know, I've been a business consultant for Honey,
who has an original voice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's... that's... That's great.
Now, uh, uh, uh, Mey-Mey.
Uh, how old is this kid that I've never heard of?
Uh, 12.
12.
Now, Honey, back to your blog.
No, back to the kid.
You and I took a cruise 12 years and 9 months ago,
and then when we got back,
you swore off sushi and took a sabbatical.
We're talking about a blog.
No, we're talking about my son!
We need to go to break.
Yes, we do need to go to break,
but let's go to break because I'd like to know...
what is his name?
I-I-I-Is he...
Hold this, and flash 'em the goods.
Your teeth.
There.
According to maritime law, that baby belongs to no one.
Hey, can you pipe down?
I'm working on an op-ed for the newspaper.
How's this for a finish?
"In summary, leave bocce to the Mafia.
Take down that median."
You are a fool to invoke the mob.
Oh, no.
My parakeet said...
Can't you watch that in your room?
I was here first. I'm not moving.
Looks like you're stuck with me.
Get there first!
Jenny, you're one for 1,000 on good ideas.
What about the time I attached the vacuum to my wheelchair?
Two for 1,000.
All done with today's blog post.
"The 55-Second Rule:
Why Floor Food is Better for Everyone."
Unless it's pudding.
So hard to pick up.
Wow, you're really churning these posts out.
I have been so inspired to write since our readership tripled.
I'm so glad you convinced me to go on TV.
I'm just doing my job.
Speaking of, maybe we put a pin in that post
and instead do a... baby food review.
It'll be easy. You just have to include
these promotional bullet points.
A baby food review?
They want me to say "scrumdeeleeumpcious?"
I would rather scrumdeelee-stick my head in the oven.
An oven full of cash.
Come on.
The advertising opportunities
have been pouring in since your TV segment.
Don't you want to make money?
Like a real business?
Thanks, but I just want to write
what I want to write.
Hate to be that guy,
but Americans don't know how to make coffee.
What coffee did you go with, Eddie?
It's an Eddie-chino...
Melted Rocky Road with a bean at the bottom.
- Hmm. - Ma?
What are you doing here?
I'm getting my work done outdoors.
You know how I love the sun.
Can you do that somewhere else?
We're about to play bocce.
No. I was here first, and I'm not moving.
Got the bean.
"Dear TMI Honey.
Thanks for the review.
We think you're scrumdeeleeumpcious, too."
So, a box popped up
offering me a free trip to Cozumel.
I clicked on it, and then four more boxes popped up,
so I clicked on those.
Now I have no tickets, and my computer's frozen.
You published that baby food review behind my back!
What about my post?
You're welcome, Honey.
For what?
For making your business a success.
That's why you hired me, right?
I never hired you.
You hired you.
But now I'm firing you.
Ohh, so sorry.
Did you mean to put me on speakerphone?
I wasn't sure.
You're firing me as your business consultant?
- Why? - Because you knew I didn't want to post
that baby food review, and you did it anyway.
Well, I saw you were nervous about increasing
"TMI's" market share,
so I pulled the trigger on that post...
Just like you were nervous about being on TV,
and that turned out great.
And Gus and Mey-Mey are co-parenting Little Monty.
But I didn't want any of this.
Well, don't you want this?
Now you can take your mind off
the diaper budget and focus on "TMI."
Louis, this is my blog, not yours.
Well, I was only doing this to help you.
Well, I'm only doing this to help you.
You were so desperate for a client,
I just went along with it.
Clearly that was a mistake.
Come on, Ma, a-scootchie over.
Jessica, stop hogging the piazza.
Yeah, we have bocce finals.
Finals!
Well, I guess the, uh, bocce ball tournament
has been postponed, folks, so all bets are off.
You can see Meatball here for a refund.
Sorry.
Excuse me. I have to go. I have to go.
Now that we have the place to ourselves,
maybe we can have Family Fun Time out here!
We were already having fun.
Until you showed up and ruined it.
Not-a cool-a.
Hey, Jessica.
Brought you some baby food.
Thought you might be hungry but not want to chew.
This baby food really is scrumdeeleeumpcious.
I don't get Honey.
I help her turn "TMI" into a real business,
and then she fires me.
That's just Honey.
Some people are born for business,
and other people were born
with skin that smells like fruit.
It doesn't add up.
She was actually starting to make money.
I know what this is.
The problem with Honey is she has TMI...
Too Much Integrity.
She's never in it for the money.
Our boys also have a TMI problem...
Too Many Interests,
- and none of them are me. - Oh, what do you mean?
All they want to do is play bocce on this dumb piazza
instead of spending time with me.
But I've been so busy lately, I never get to see them.
If you want to spend time with them,
do what interests them,
even if it happens to be something
you've taken an arbitrary stance against.
No one wants to eat a mashed-up Thanksgiving meal.
I do.
You know, when you think about it,
bocce is just adult marbles.
I made you a lasagna to make up for ruining dumb bowling.
I'm not eating carbs this week.
It's still frozen.
Apparently it takes an hour to bake,
and I didn't need that much time to reflect.
Between studying and the job hunt,
I've missed you guys.
Us too.
It's just weird when you were jogging around,
making us spin a wheel.
It's forced.
Like when MTV tried to make voting cool.
I know.
I just wanted you all to myself.
But as long as we're together, I am happy.
Even if Carol-Joan's hitting the old grapes.
You know, Mommy, you'd love bocce.
It means "boss" in Latin.
Yeah, it's perfect for you...
Precision, competition, violence.
You wanna come play with us?
I do love violence.
Hmm.
Hey, Honey. I was, uh, wondering
if I could use your computer.
And give it a virus?
No, thanks.
I think I've had enough consulting.
I want to show you the latest "TMI" post.
You took down the review and posted
my "55-Second Rule" piece instead?
I was wrong to sell out your blog.
That's not you.
I know you just wanted to help.
I got so caught up trying to prove I could be successful,
I forgot the job is supporting someone else and their dreams.
Thanks, Louis.
You are great at what you do.
I know you are gonna make
a small-business owner so happy one day.
Well, you've gotta keep blogging.
It's so good, and you've got such a relatable voice.
Oh, yeah, I'm not stopping.
I've got so many ideas.
The other day, I wore a diaper, and it was magical.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah!
Ooh. Guess what?
I finally thought of a good company name...
All About Lou Consulting.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah!
Or what about just Louis Huang Consulting?
Wow.
Are you not entertained?!
And that's game.
Jessica wins!
You killed it, Ma!
Clear out, people! This median was constructed
without a permit.
Bulldozers are on their way.
What?! Who snitched?
There was an anonymous op-ed in the newspaper.
I bet it was Carol-Joan.
No, it wasn't me.
Well, it was good while it lasted.
Arrivederci, bocce.
No way. Let's continue this thing in our backyard.
Sorry, Huang family only.
Boys, grab the gelato cart. Let's go.
Bring on the bulldozer.
Jim, bring in the bulls.
Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com