A Pop Original Series.
- That is so funny! - I love you guys.
Is what we would be saying
if our so-called friends had showed up!
I'll give 'em 5 more minutes.
It's been two and a half hours.
I'm gonna take these two chairs.
I told you we have friends!
Coming!
We have friends coming. Why are you still here?
I can't believe Stan and Holly stood us up.
Can you even get stood up on a double date?
I mean isn't it just a regular date now?
Yeah right, two people at a four person table?
We look ridiculous! Like them.
- Disgusting. - At least they have an excuse.
All their friends are probably dead.
Lucky. Adult friends suck.
I miss when I was a kid and everyone was forced
to invite me to their birthday parties.
They didn't even do us the courtesy
of a last-minute bail text?
I wanna give them a piece of my mind.
Tell 'em they suck.
"Hey Stan, you suck!
The night is much better without you here.
No one has asked to see an allergy menu
or request their fries be made in a different deep-fryer,
- you gluten free fuck!" - Ooh!
Tell him his flakiness is indicative
of a larger problem with commitment.
"You and Holly won't last,
- not that she's any prize either." - Ooh!
Tell him she banged that fireman when they were on a break!
Already did.
"You'll be happy to know that Emily and I
are having a fine time on our regular date.
This is a two person table by the way.
Peace, bitch!"
- Owned that dude. - Yeah.
That's Holly.
Stan's dad died.
Ooh...
If I delete texts from my phone do they get deleted from his phone?
No.
"Hey Stan,
I was hacked. Hope you didn't get any weird messages."
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
Friends.
When I was a kid, they were everything.
Then I got older.
I had some kids of my own.
Settled down.
And my friends,
they did the same.
And suddenly,
my entire social circle just...
disappeared.
That's why I'm doing this podcast.
To help find them.
I'm Sam Keurig.
And this, is For Real.
Where have all my friends gone?
What about Jason and Kasey?
They had a baby and became puke-covered shut-ins.
- Sanjay and Elise? - They're planning a wedding.
Which, better be in driving distance by the way.
Mike and Laura?
No thank you.
I mean ever since they stopped drinking they've been so
- healthy and active it's exhausting. - No, Mike and Laura!
- Murph! Emily! - Oh my gosh, hey guys!
We haven't seen you since we took you
on that twelve mile urban hike!
Haha, thought that was gonna be a bar crawl.
Won't make that mistake again.
We're actually going apple picking tomorrow
and then stopping by an artisanal food truck festival.
You two should come along!
- Yeah! - Absolutely not.
Say yes and then we'll cancel later!
Sorry, yes. That is a resounding "yes" from us.
We're actually about to grab a drink, you want to join?
I thought you guys didn't...
Forget what I thought. Yes!
C'mon there's a great place down the block!
- And we are running. - I guess we have to follow them?
Okay, I don't like how this feels.
I reached out to an old friend, Luke.
To see if he had any insight.
I mean, you did always disappear
when you were in a relationship.
Like, we had this running joke that we knew you got dumped
because you would reappear out of nowhere
and be like "let's get brunch!"
Honestly, you were kind of a dick.
She's here!
Okay, um, to single life?
Yes!
I feel so free!
- It is so good to have you back. - You didn't call us
for the entire time you were in a relationship.
Ow. Harsh, Megan.
But actually though, honest to God,
I deserve it. I am sorry
that I was such a bad friend when I was with Brad.
But ever since we broke up again last night,
I've actually had like...
A revelation.
Relationships come and go but friendships,
they last forever.
Okay, forgiven.
I just like, love being single.
It's been a day...
Like the woman who was with Brad
is like a stranger to me.
Who is that?
Oh no.
A day...
I don't want to deal with this.
- No, no, no. - Are you kidding me.
Oh no.
Okay, real talk, you guys must've hated Brad.
- He sucked! - I actually kinda liked him.
- Tell her Brad sucked. - Why?
She's just gonna get back with him.
That is a chance we have to take.
You know what, I actually think he was starting to lose his hair.
Literally, yes.
I didn't want to say anything but I love that you were willing to.
Also he was like totally standing in the way
of the three of us being three single sluts
just slutting it up together.
- Single women roll call! - Bridget!
Sue!
Megan?
Et tu, Megan?
I kinda moved in with Don.
- Did you know about this? - Only from Facebook.
I'm sorry, are you like trying to punish me.
You found a boyfriend, fell in love, and moved in
together to teach me a lesson?
Well point taken you can break up with him now.
I'm not breaking up with him!
This is like so childish. Really?
I've been with Don for a year,
you would know that if you hadn't
fallen off the face of the planet!
Okay, I'm actually going through something right now, so
I'm gonna to need you to stop being selfish
and break up with your live-in boyfriend.
I am too old for this.
My therapist told me to cut toxic people out of my life.
So goodbye!
Wait you're cutting me off?
Not your toxic boyfriend because your boyfriend is a toxic one!
He's ruining our friendship!
I hate guys!
So you'd be cool if I just like anyone's post?
Okay, I liked his post because I like his tattoo.
It's on his freaking pelvic line,
right next to his junk!
You liked his dick.
Okay I'm not doing this right now,
we are out with friends Darius, chill.
Are you guys okay?
- Yeah... - Absolutely.
Cool, well we were just talking about
that tiny house documentary.
Alright I'm gonna stop you right there
because it blew my mind.
Like, why am I spending all this money on rent
when I could just be living in a storage unit in Montana.
It just really goes to....
... show how much better
things can be.
If you live.
A simpler life.
Hey, Denise, maybe you want to
put your phone on like a napkin?
Yeah, that's a really good call, I'm gonna do that.
Is everything cool?
Yeah of course, why wouldn't it be.
You are such a fuck-up.
So, this one tiny house, it was so cute.
This guy's fridge folded down into a bed with a little nightstand.
If you wanna fuck Nick, you should just fuck Nick!
Except that I don't want to fuck Nick, you fucking idiot.
- This is bullshit! - Nick is bullshit. You're bullshit.
You are the bullest of the shit.
I also remember that moment in that documentary.
Hey, um, you guys are obviously in a fight.
- What? No... - No.
- You could tell. - Maybe you want some privacy.
That is also a really good call,
so we're gonna take you up on that.
Two for two ladies, come on, Darius!
You liked his dick tattoo!
The tattoo was not on his fucking dick, Darius!
You double tapped his junk!
So when you said you wanted
to grab drinks you meant...
Kale and Swiss Chard detox smoothies.
And the shots you wanted to pound?
Wheatgrass and turmeric, yeah!
What did you think we meant, raw cacao and chia seeds?
Of course not, I don't know what those are.
- Like, tequila? - That's poison.
You're poisoning yourself.
- You should quit. - She's right.
Ever since we stopped polluting our livers
we have so much energy!
You're looking at two folks who have done every hike featured
on Urban Couple Activities and such!
Yeah we live by that blog,
but we actually found this place when we were doing a museum crawl.
It's like a bar crawl, but with museums!
Arguably misses the point.
What it lacked in alcohol it definitely made up for
in very slow, appreciative, walking.
Oh have you been to the super bloom poppy reserve yet this year?
- Am I supposed to go every year? - Yeah!
It's a quick two hour drive or nine hour bike ride!
Sorry. This is spicy.
It looks like it will be sweet and then it's... Vegetables.
- So what have you guys been up to? - Oh, um...
Yeah I haven't been...
Not like a big "stuff" guy.
Like I don't do stuff.
I'll usually just get back from work and be
a little tired so I'll turn on the TV or
just zone out and let the time pass.
Oh!
You know what we did do recently is we did recently...
go...
to this really cute... bar.
- Poison. - Murph, back me up here.
What's up? Sorry I was zoning out.
Could we get a round of turmeric on me?
You know, we should actually probably run.
It's 9 pm.
Yeah, we better hit the hay
if we're gonna make it to sunrise at the orchard.
See you tomorrow!
We'll text you when we're outside your apartment!
- Say, 4 am? - Not a minute later!
Well, I better set an alarm...
So I remember to send a last minute bail text.
Despite every answer I got, one question still remained.
Why don't I have any friends?
You didn't show up to my wedding.
You got married and stopped calling!
You said you didn't want to meet my baby!
You responded to my birthday e-vite with "unsubscribe!"
It just didn't add up.
Who hits the hay at 9 pm?
We need to find a couple who knows how to hang.
One that doesn't have kids, or good jobs, or hobbies.
A couple that isn't in their early 20s
but never got that far past them.
Like those guys.
Now that's life.
Drinking wine on a stoop like a couple of hobo bums.
Yeah, it's too bad they're strangers
and there's nothing we can do to change that, huh?
Follow my lead.
Hey, this is so weird but we actually used to live here!
No way!
- So you're the hoarders who got evicted! - Mm-hmm!
I'm Bernard, this is Caitlin!
You guys want to come up? See the old place?
It looks a lot different without all the jars of pee.
That was him.
You guys don't have any plans?
That's our plan!
Just being chill.
Laid back, hanging out.
- Being chill... - Hanging out?
Are you guys coming in? Or?
- Yeah! Yeah! - Absolutely.
Good! I'm glad.
Yeah so, we broke up.
Oh, no way!
Yeah, so this friend group is officially over.
We're splitting up and picking teams.
I'll take Ginny, and Nikki.
Let's go team Darius! We're out.
- What the hell dude? - That's messed up, Darius.
Gordo was your college roommate.
We used to eat pasta together!
What are you pissed about, Ginny?
You're on team Darius! Let's go! You too, Nikki!
Sorry man, but I met you through Denise. I'm sticking with her.
This is how breakups work.
You take the large group and you make two smaller groups.
Actually, the friend group usually sides with one of you
and then slowly phases out the other.
That's a good point, how about we speed this along.
All in favor of kicking out Darius?
Gordo we used to eat pasta together, man.
That's what I thought.
I see how it is. But I'll have you know,
that I don't need a friend group
'cause I'm a serial monogamist!
And I was just gonna get a girlfriend and disappear anyway,
so fuck you Gordo!
Drink specials here are actually pretty dope,
so I'm gonna hang out at the bar, but nobody talk to me.
Fuck you Gordo!
See, men are like literal garbage.
You know what, I'm glad Megan took a shit on our friendship
because now I know who my real friends are.
Totally. And you know what?
Not only does Brad suck, but I'm just gonna say it,
Megan sucks.
Oh my god...
You just like get me.
Why... No, what are you doing?
- I thought you were bi. - I am bi, are you?
Oh... I'm sorry I should've told you that.
So that's like the other revelation I've had since being single.
- It has been a day. - Like lately, I'm just like
"wait... I'm gay."
Okay, coming at me with so much tongue.
Bridget, I'm sorry this seems like it's coming out of nowhere.
Actually, it's not.
There's been like so many signs.
Like, I think Beyoncé is so hot.
That doesn't mean you're gay it just means you have eyes.
Okay, but news flash,
I watch lesbian porn sometimes too.
Because I like seeing a woman getting attention.
Just sounds like you're mad at men.
No, no, no but I'm like really mad at men.
I'm kind of like why don't I just make my life easier
and never have to deal with them?
Being gay doesn't make things easier, so...
Do you want to make out or what?
Fair warning, I'm kind of a waist-up lesbian,
so we could make-out and I could mush your boobs
- and maybe you could go down on me? - Okay, no.
- I haven't really thought about it. - Bridget I'm sorry,
I'm just not interested in being your experiment.
Are you leaving me too?
I hate everyone!
You wanna make-out?
Good because I'm gay now!
And then they got us on the hook to go apple picking tomorrow.
Ugh, I don't get that.
All those cutesy couple activities.
I know I just like to spend my Saturdays straight zoning out.
Totally.
- Hey do you guys wanna... - Swap?
Another beer was what I was gonna say,
- but you meant swap numbers? - Partners.
Swap partners.
Like me and you...
Me and him.
Him and him.
All four of us going to town.
Grabbing whatever dangles in our faces.
Milking anything we can squeeze...
Cool if we have a quick pow-wow?
Okay, what do you think.
They're pretty hot, it's kind of a fair trade any way you slice it.
I don't know if we should make a snap decision
about polyamory about people we met on a stoop.
If we don't do it, we're not chill or laid back.
We're Mike and Laura.
We might as well start jogging to the orchard right now.
But won't sex complicate our blossoming friendship?
You guys could also just do it while we watch.
Oh yeah, that's a good idea!
- That is a happy compromise! - I like that suggestion.
- Let's do that! - Why not?
When did things become so strange between us, Libby?
We had sex, remember?
We hooked up, it was weird.
Then we just avoided each other for a while.
Define weird. Like, good weird?
Sorry, sorry just tryna get some hump toons bumping.
Haha. It looks like I need to update my iOS.
You know, we'll go with silence. That's what we'll do.
If I know us, it won't be silent because
I've got a mouth like a sailor's whore.
Come here you, fucking...
dude.
- Shit. - So you thinking missionary,
or her on top? Because we're taking requests.
- Free bird! - Okay why don't we just go first.
Okay.
How do they breathe in that position?
Take a video, I wanna do it on camera!
- Yes ma'am. - Okay!
My search had led me to the doors that...
- Sorry! Sorry, sorry. - Former friends, former lovers,
and people who pretended not to know me.
Even though I provided photographic evidence.
I saw you fighting with your friends earlier,
I just wanted to let you know, like, friendship is literal garbage
so don't waste your time.
They're not my friends.
They don't even know how to be friends.
I mean I just went through a break-up,
they're supposed to be on my side.
Yes, preach!
Like literally my friend Megan just betrayed me
after my breakup and my friend Sue has been completely unsupportive
and unwilling to make out with me. I am just like so done.
Good, fuck 'em.
Fuck friends.
God,
you just like, get me.
You aren't gonna reject me?
No.
You're like perfect.
But just so you know,
I'm gay.
Okay.
Oh my god you're so accepting.
It's crazy you guys started
before us and finished after us.
Cool. Cool.
Yeah look,
guys, it's late, so I think we're gonna hit the hay.
Yeah, hit the hay.
What happened to swapping numbers?
- I don't think so. - Good call.
Let's actually just make plans right now.
You see, our week's filling up pretty fast.
We could do dinner Wednesday...
We're not interested in dinner.
So drinks. You know what,
Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Monday would also work.
Guys, this was fun, but we're not gonna be friends
after you've seen our butt holes.
Sorry, sex kinda complicates things.
You're supposed to be cool, sexy swingers...
Sorry, how do we get out of here again?
Thought you used to live here!
Yes, that is a true fact.
I feel so used.
I thought we really had something there.
I mean what kind of sociopathic couple
only gives you the time of day when it serves them
and then blows you off?
_
Maybe we should go apple picking.
Yeah, we said we would.
We'd be hypocrites if we didn't put in a little effort
every once in a while.
Guess we better go hit the hay!
Kill me.
Finally, I called my college roommate, James.
Sam, it's not some big mystery.
We're adults, you know?
We grow apart.
I think if you aren't finding time for your friends,
then that's on you.
Wow James, that's...
I wish I had called you first.
It makes a lot of sense.
Also, Libby said I was weird in bed,
what do think she meant by that?
Goodnight.
So how'd that video of Caitlin and Bernard come out?
Really good actually!
Okay.
This is so hot.
It's too bad you're in it.
You guys need any help?
Should we join?
Oh, that's Mike and Laura.
- They're downstairs. - God damnit!
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -