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Get back up there, tax man!
You're doing great, Andy.
You're raising a lot of money.
I don't think these people get the joke.
I think they actually think I work for the IRS.
The alternative minimum tax sucks!
I don't work for the government!
Close down Gitmo!
Hi.
Hello!
To those of you who don't know me,
I'm Bill Overbrook and I own the Mattress Bin.
This is my wife, Daphne.
Two years ago when Daphne here
first had tingling and numbness
in her extremities,
we had no idea
what a long battle we were in for
with neuromyopathy.
So I want to thank you all
for your generosity in raising money today.
Daphne,
I know you can't feel your feet,
but hopefully you can feel our love.
Barker, you in here?
Lew, I'm changing.
We've got business.
Slip on your garter
and act like a man.
Oh. Come in, come in.
Alicia Overbrook, Andy Barker.
Hi.
You must be Bill's daughter.
I understand we raised about $20,000 today.
You know, I've actually got some thoughts
on how we can safeguard that money.
I'm not here to talk about the money.
I think my stepmother is having an affair.
Daphne? Really?
She's a liar and a slut.
But she walks with a cane.
We'll take the case.
Your old man and me go way back.
We used to get hammered at lunch.
He's in AA now.
That's a world class waste of time.
Anyhow, we won't let you down.
Thank you. Thank you.
Sure.
Lew, you can't just keep barging in on me.
I've g-
Just wanted to give you a check
for the retainer.
Thank you so much.
You're in good hands.
Don't worry about it.
Oh.
Bill's wife really doesn't seem like the type
to be having an affair.
She's so sweet and...
I mean, she walks with a cane.
Thank you.
Where's Snowball?
I don't know.
Andy.
I mean, uh,
I don't know.
I haven't seen it
since I went upstairs to change
and Lew cornered me.
Well, what are we going to do?
Molly's never going to fall sleep without it.
Oh.
I'm sure she'll be fine for one night
without her little elephant.
Right, little angel?
She is the devil.
We gotta find Snowball.
It's got to be in there!
But why would it be in the toilet tank?
I don't know. I looked everywhere else.
Why is there a brick in the tank?
To save water.
Oh my God, I got to get to sleep.
It's almost 10:00.
Well, what's your idea?
There has got to be something else she can sleep with.
Your favorite toy.
Molly.
You're a P.I., Andy Barker.
You find Snowball.
Is that the Snowball?
Yes.
Those kids were hanging around a lot, weren't they?
They are trouble.
I saw many of them pee in the dunk tank.
Barker,
what in hell are you doing in here?
We got a case.
I got another case.
My daughter lost her favorite toy.
She can't sleep.
We think one of these kids might have taken it.
Blond one did it. Probably a Samoan.
Those peach-eating bastards will steal anything
ain't stuffed down your pants.
I'm not sure he's Samoan,
but thanks.
Listen, Bill's daughter said
Daphne goes out on an errand
every Monday.
I want you to follow her.
Andy, is my hand shaking?
Yeah, because you're shaking it.
Oh, I knew it!
I caught that neuromyopathy crap at the Carnival.
It's not contagious.
Ah, everything's slowing down.
Yeah, because I'm parking.
Just get the camera ready.
That must be the boyfriend.
All right, let's go.
What?
She's not sick.
This is a slap in the face
to all of us who are really sick.
So she's faking a disease and having an affair.
Oh.
Or just faking a disease.
Well, on the bright side-
Shut up.
Hello.
Bad dream?
I dreamed that they'd get away
with the mortgage interest deduction.
No disrespect to your wife,
but it's amazing you ever got that oven jockey
to uncross her honey sticks for you.
That is disrespectful.
Yes.
Alicia said that Daphne claims
she's been going to this doctor
for the last year for some fancy treatment.
I've seen it 1,000 times.
Doctor's in on it.
Son of a bitch quack is swimming in dirty cash.
Or she hasn't been going to the doctor at all
and just has been putting the money in her pocket.
We'll solve that.
We'll go see the pill pusher.
Oh, not yet.
I still haven't found Snowball.
I haven't slept in two days.
I didn't sleep for a whole month once.
Got slipped some bad mescaline.
Drove around Cerritos talking to a cat named Vida Blue.
Those are those kids I saw at the dunk tank.
Told you the Samoan did it.
Come on.
Let's go hit him with some good cop, bad cop.
Oh, boy.
I didn't take your stupid toy!
Listen up, punk ass.
You give us Snowball back
or I'll step on you so hard,
you'll have to unzip your pants
just to jump on a trampoline.
I'll make your little miserable
island-hopping life so hellish,
you'll wish you never climbed out
of your mommy's baby maker.
Give him the bad cop.
Oh, here we go.
The doctor's name is Jeremy Cey.
Grow up, kid.
That quack's not a real doctor.
This whole thing's an empty store front.
There won't be anybody inside
except a couple of bums crapping in a hat box.
I'll be in the car.
Hi, Simon.
I found your Snowball.
Really?
Yeah, I've been asking all my costumers.
And this one guy, Besnik,
who rents a different Patrick Swayze movie every week,
said he had a bunch.
Oh, that's great. Thank you.
More importantly, I've decided what I want
for my benefit carnival.
If I make it to the fall,
I'd like a harvest theme.
You are not sick.
You don't need a benefit carnival.
Look, I gotta go.
I love you, man.
I want you to look after
my cats-
Dr. Cey?
Hi, my name's Andy Barker. I'm a private investigator.
Could I ask you a few questions?
I'm working on a case involving a Daphne Overbrook.
Mrs. Overbrook.
Poor woman.
Suffers from acute neuromyopathy.
She struggles to walk, even with a cane.
Is it possible for her to have good days and bad days?
Well, neuromuscular diseases are very tricky.
But, it's possible for her to have a good day.
She had a very good day.
I'm shocked.
This is a classic case of Munchausen syndrome.
Patient fakes an illness
to get sympathy and attention.
Real tragedy is she could have got plenty of attention
for her dancing.
Well, she obviously needs psychological help.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Son of a bitch quack, swimming in dirty cash.
So, um, you own your own plane?
Well, it's really owned
by my clinic in Costa Rica.
We operate on children with cleft palates.
That's Pepe.
Thanks to ouwork,
he's a happy, healthy kid with a bright future.
Drove around Cerritos talking to a cat named Vida Blue.
Thank you, Doctor.
I'd like to make a donation
to doctor Cey's Costa Rican charity.
It is a 501c3, right?
I'm sure that it is.
Mrs. Smith, Dr. Cey's ready for you.
Come in, Mrs. Smith, please.
You here for the 12:30?
Better view over here.
Oh. Oh, dear.
Oh, in front of Pepe.
This guy's got a good thing going.
She's the Wednesday girl.
Has she ever been here?
Oh, yeah.
She's here Thursdays.
Unbelievable.
He's a doctor.
He should be ashamed of himself.
Police divers were searching
the bottom of the river and we found the remains of-
Excuse me a second.
Barker, Barker!
Wake up.
You're drooling on the baby.
Yeah, so it looks like we found the remains of-
Doctor's been pulling this scam all over the place.
San Diego, Laguna,
Oakland.
Always younger women with wealthy husbands.
So if I understand what you're telling me,
older bald men can get women this hot.
It's a conspiracy, but I mean,
I don't know why the women do it.
Money and sex.
Always comes down to money and sex.
These pics ought to put the nail
in the coffin of the good doctor.
What's this?
Old cop buddy of mine
lives in Costa Rica.
Went down there for a sex change operation.
Never came back.
He/she lives near doctor Cey's supposed clinic,
so I asked him/her to take a look.
Bob/Betty says there ain't no kids running around
with messed up lips.
Well, thank you, Bob/Betty.
Andy, it's time to get Snowball.
We got to bag us an elephant.
I'm so tired.
I just want to get Snowball and go home.
So, uh, Simon,
this Besnik guy, what does he do?
He's Albanian.
Hey, it's Simon from Video Riot.
I recommendedPoint Break. Swayze surfs.
Simon!
Simon, welcome.
Good to see you.
Nice, come in.
Come in.
Walk, go.
Simon,
Who's this guy you brought?
This is Andy, the guy I was telling you about.
He's looking for Snowball.
Course he is. Andy, welcome.
Wait here a minute.
I've just got moment of business to finish.
Simon.
He's Albanian.
Take a walk with me.
Yeah. That's my cousin.
He's spaying my cat.
Oh.
You know, I also sell Fry Daddies,
UGG Boots,
kids love the UGG Boots, exercise bikes.
You're interested in...
Uh- Oh, no.
Uh - We just need one Snowball, please. Oh, no.
I've looked all over.
I can't find them anywhere.
I get mine from Colombia. The best.
Colombia?
Oh, maybe that's where the factory is.
Be right back with your kilo.
Kilo?
One kilo
untouched snowball.
There-there's been a big mistake.
We gotta go. We gotta go.
Where are you doing? What are you getting up for?
What's going on? Whoa, whoa.
What's going on?
Simon, why are you getting up like this?
What are you?
What are you, narcs?
No.
Is that what you are? Drug narcs?
Why do you have that cane?
Oh!
Speak it up!
I can explain!
Explain away because I'm going to kill you both.
And I trusted you.
I rented Patrick Swayze from you.
Wait.
My baby lost her little gray stuffed toy.
Its name is Snowball.
She can't sleep without it.
It's been three days.
We thought you were selling Snowball the toy,
not Snowball the drug.
I mean, look at us.
Do we look like narcs?
Okay.
Here, hold that there, Simon.
How old is your baby?
16 months.
My lady and I, we have a little one.
Almost two.
This Snowball, is it about his big?
That big? Yeah.
Room enough to smuggle one pound
of untouched Snowball?
I'm-I'm going to say yes.
This could be your lucky day.
Maybe.
You hear that?
It's our lucky day.
Oh, it's Dr. Cey's office.
Hello.
Oh, really?
Can I re-schedule?
Why is Dr. Cey's office calling you?
Cause I made an appointment, but they cancelled.
Apparently there's an emergency
at the clinic in Costa Rica.
There's no clinic in Costa Rica.
The doctor's running.
We gotta get to the Van Nuys airport.
Look at it. Smell it.
Snowball.
I got this in a basket at the CAA Christmas party.
My baby
doesn't even play with it anymore.
First, my friend,
we must do the dance.
Dance? What dance? We got to go.
Oh, Andy it's the...
♪ "how much do you want this♪" dance♪
♪ How much do you want this♪♪
Dance.
Jenny, it's me.
Call me as soon as you get home.
I found us a Snowball.
They threw it in for free
when we bought a bunch of other stuff.
Anyway, listen.
I need you to make some phone calls.
♪ We gotta get goin'♪
♪ When are we goin'♪♪
♪ What are we gonna do♪♪
♪ We'll run away to somewhere♪
♪ But only me and you♪♪
You go get the airport police.
I'm going to search the hangars.
Okay.
♪ We're on our way♪
♪ Pick up your pack pick up your pack♪
♪ And if we stay and if we stay♪
♪ We won't come back♪♪
Going somewhere, doctor?
Yes, I'm headed down to my clinic
in Costa Rica.
And then on to volunteer
amongst the dwarf children of Caracas.
So are you taking any of your girlfriends with you?
Excuse me?
You know, the women with whom you've been conspiring
to fake diseases
and scam their husbands.
Or were you just going to let them take the fall?
Mr. Barker you are very sharp.
But are you sharp enough to die?
Wait, sharp enough to die?
Want to know why I did it?
Uh, no. Not really.
See, with these hands, I could cure the world.
But the HMOs, they squeeze me out of every dollar.
And all the little kid smiles on earth
won't buy me a house full of Costa Rican maids
with an incomplete knowledge of sexual harassment laws,
if you must know.
I didn't need to know.
Enough with the questions!
I'm here.
I made it.
I'm wearing the dress you bought me.
Josie. Hey.
I thought we weren't supposed to leave the country
until Christmas, but I got the call
from your office.
Actually it was my wife that called.
You know, he was planning on leaving without you.
And after all you did for him.
The scam, the money,
the sex in the middle of the day.
Who are you?
And how do you know when we had sex?
I'm Andy Barker and I may have watched.
Don't listen to him, baby.
We're going to be together.
I'm here.
Okay, I'm here. I'm here. I made it.
I know it took me a little-
Baby, what-? Who's this?
Don't call him baby. I'm his baby.
Actually,
you're both his baby.
Dr. Cey's been pulling this scam for months.
I'm here!
And apparently buying dresses in bulk.
What's going on, baby?
I'm his baby.
Shut up!
Yes, I used you all.
I preyed on weak, hot, rich women to get sex,
and their money.
There, got yourself all the dirty details.
Are you happy now, Barker?
Why would that make me happy?
I'm leaving now.
None of you are coming with me.
You bastard.
Ow.
Snowball!
Stay away or the elephant gets it.
Please, don't hurt that toy.
Once again Barker, I bested you.
We just met on Wednesday.
So long, babies.
Nobody puts babies in the corner.
Nobody. Put down that gun.
Put that down.
Besnik, what are you doing here?
I need the Snowball.
I'm sorry my friend,
but my lady just got home
I told her I sold the toy and she freaked out at me.
I didn't know the little one
was still attached to it, you know?
Hey!
Give me that toy!
I need to sleep.
Go, go, run!
Get down!
Everyone freeze!
Don't worry. I'm here.
And I don't know how to stop!
Ah, that was awesome!
I'm so pumped.
I'm like soaked in sweat.
Oh, Andy. We are living on the edge!