Previously on "American Princess"...
AMANDA: Carnivals and theme weekends and all kinds of attractions.
You're aware of the kind of money that's to be had.
Why aren't we doing any of this?
Well, Maggie doesn't like it.
I didn't raise my hand at the vote,
so I'm a patron today.
I wanted to make money so that we could help people.
We were all doing fine.
You were.
BRIAN: We had a whole show to do,
and you left me standing there with my Apocrypha in my hand.
MAGGIE: I was proving a point.
People come here for the history, the authenticity.
If we lose that now, then what?
At some point, you have to acknowledge
that if we don't change the faire today,
there may not be one at all tomorrow.
BRIAN: I don't like PDA.
I overstepped your boundary. It won't happen again.
I've gotta go french a man in public.
Let me be the judge.
[LAUGHTER]
You did hear me, by the way, that we're making a killing?
The girl I met six weeks ago would have been bragging
to the end of eternity about this.
That girl has left the faire.
This girl has a clipboard.
You did this, Amanda.
Be proud.
♪♪
- I will plague them all! - [THUNDER RUMBLES]
♪♪
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
AMANDA: Don't leave!
The Wet Wenches show starts in 20 minutes.
All the seats are in the splash zone.
There's no wait at the zip line.
Think of how fast you could go in
- these gales. - No. No zip line.
The thing's a lightning rod,
and we're not covered for electrocution.
M'lady, can you give it a bit of gas?
[ENGINE REVVING]
[LAUGHS]
♪♪
[LAUGHS]
Welcome to the mud club.
- Good lady, thoust would not allow... - Out of the way! This is custom!
Fine sir, the pub...
The pub be still open.
A jug of mead on me.
Or for you.
What? Are you offering booze to children.
He looked like he could use a drink.
- Ha! - Oh, my God.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
Fare thee well!
Or however they say it in Spice World!
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
You. Come now.
Always a bridesmaid.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Look at 'em.
Running from spit rain!
Pussies!
This vest survived Tropical Storm Stephanie!
Talk about a bitch.
Aye, this tunic is Scotch Garded!
For light spills!
Nice one, hon.
5 bucks.
She means 10.
I got one 15 minutes ago for 5.
Rain-flation.
A small price to pay
to have almost an entire faire all to thyself.
- [LAUGHS] - Well played.
Every season, there's at least one rainstorm
and one group who wants to stick it out.
They're called Rainees.
They're the pot of cash at the end of the rainbow.
Let's get weird!
[ALL CHEERING]
- Hey! - Huzzah for the tipper!
We would also like to get weird.
- Huzzah! - Huzzah!
[WATER DRIPPING]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
I'm a knight, and you're a dragon. Get me!
I'm a water sign.
LULU: Unh-unh, no.
You are not sitting around all day
making duck lips into that thing.
Go find something productive to do.
What? It's raining.
Like help me make the sundries list.
Pass. Also, no one says sundries.
Except me just now.
Then go ask your dad if he needs help
entertaining the littles. Go, go.
Mom says I have to help you.
I thought we could play Operation,
but we're missing all the body parts.
Yeah, Jesse ate them,
then he used the tweezers
to pick the body parts out of his...
Oh, aah, aah, aah.
- Hungry hippos it is. - STAR: Come back here!
I don't want any highlighter!
You look like a corpse!
LULU: Come on!
See, this is what I'm saying.
You say you want to help out more with the kids,
but then this is always what happens, a bigger mess.
- We were gonna play a game... - Moon did it!
- Shut up! - You shut up!
Remember when I ate all the body parts?
And then you picked them out of your poop?
That was so gross.
Yeah, now we can't play.
Enough, enough, enough!
How about you guys
all come up with a play to show everyone? Sound fun?
- Yeah! - No!
The wishbone never came out.
- Eww. - Eww.
- And, uh, Breeze can direct. - Ugh.
[SIGHS]
I'll stop commenting on your Instagram posts.
Okay.
"Everyone under 4'11" into the pantry.
Okay, I'm gonna make a list of toiletries that we need.
Um, can you keep an ear out
for the kids killing each other?
No one says toiletries.
Except me.
Just now.
CYRIL: Wait, wait, wait. That was the third time.
The second time I got struck by lightning,
I was on the 18th hole.
Whose turn is it?
- Yours! - Yours!
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CREAKS, CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
Towel?
Look, I'm sorry about earlier.
I was being petty and immature.
What about putting your hand
up those gladiators' war skirts?
I'd say grabbing a stranger's ass
is much more immature.
That was work.
I sell jugs and hugs.
It's my faire persona.
- You know this. - Did you at least wash your paws after?
Well, at least they let me touch them in public.
♪♪
CYRIL: Now, a lot of times they tell you
that when you get struck by lightning,
you see God? I did.
And it was confusing.
- What? - Huh?
Whose turn is it?
ALL: Yours.
Since when are there monsoons
in upstate New York?
Uh, since climate change.
T-minus 20 till the bomb cyclone hits.
Wait. The Orbs of Fury are in the water.
The rain wouldn't have affected them.
- Let's go. - Breathe.
There is nothing you can do right now.
Just... all right?
I don't think I've ever seen you this clean.
Yeah, it's pretty squeaky.
How long has my top been see through?
Since you chased Dr. Who all the way to his Tardis.
Lil Boy?
He likes to pop out and scare me,
or fall from the rafters and scare me,
or apparate like a little mini wizard and scare me.
That's my kinda kid.
Can you turn around, please?
You saw me finish on camera,
- and I see a couple of... - Turn!
[SIGHS]
So, did they teach you
project management at Vassar?
Or did you also study at DeVry online?
Stop mocking me.
I wasn't.
You did good out there.
My mother was right.
I never see anything through.
And now this time, I had people counting me like...
Delilah and Lil Boy and Stick?
I mean, ugh!
Who am I if I can't help a diabetic?
They prefer "people with diabetes."
There's nothing to see through right now, busy-bee.
Except your blouse.
By now, the Rainees have set up shop.
Rainees?
[LAUGHS]
Feel good?
Breezy.
[GRUNTS]
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
[MOANS LOUDLY]
[BOTH GRUNT]
[BOTH EXHALE SHARPLY]
[LAUGHS]
Ahh.
BRIAN: Maggie, are you in here?
One moment!
[SIGHS] Take your leave.
[LAUGHS]
Can I come in now, please?
Enter.
Brian.
Swinging by to drip all over my decorative throws?
I came to say I'm sorry.
You were right.
What was that? I can't hear you.
I still have your lecture on compromise
ringing in my ears.
Juan Andrés and I are over.
Oh, Poodle.
First it's Shakespeare making fart jokes.
And next thing you know,
you're sorority squatting with Ginger, Posh, and Sporty.
What's next? I'll tell you what's next.
Fondling subpar Russell Crowe lookalikes.
That's what's next.
You've learned an important lesson.
And ending it was the right choice.
We allowed too much change, all over the fairgrounds.
The vaping? Ugh.
It's worse than the Bluetooth years.
More than that.
That awful steak-on-a-stake girl.
Losing our food discount.
Losing control.
But you know what? That's why the storm is here.
- [THUNDER RUMBLES] - We'll let her healing
energy flow through us, harness her power,
and use it to regain what is rightfully ours.
What are you doing?
Where's your crap food?
Nutter Butters, Star Crunches.
I know they're here.
I'm suffering.
I need the healing energy of high fructose corn syrup
to flow through me.
[SIGHS]
Two treats, and then we're moving on.
Oh, thank goodness.
Thank goodness.
Okay. Okay.
Brian, Brian. Two, two.
I'm gonna have more than two,
and you're just gonna have to accept that.
FRIAR: 58 Albuquerque, 59 Albuquerque,
60 Albuquerque. Time's up.
Markers down.
Come on, show me.
Okay, that's more horse than person,
and your Maggie has tentacles.
Well, that's what you see.
Art is subjective.
That's objectively good.
Yeah, it's not bad.
I'm gonna do shrooms.
I could do shrooms.
Mm, I am off psychedelics
ever since the fourth time I got struck by lightning.
I'm gonna go check on the horses.
Thunder makes them horny.
You coming?
Ahh, peanut butter.
Makes shrooms taste great.
Where are y'all headed?
Outer space.
Wanna come?
SHART: Hey, hey.
You guys better elect a ranger this time
'cause I'm not climbing up a tree to rescue you again.
Fish heads were growing up from the ground.
What would you have done?
Let them nibble the dead skin off my toes.
- Oh. - Howdy, ranger.
You've been elected.
Fine.
♪♪
Damn it.
[BOTTLES CLINK]
Never have I ever...
encountered a shark.
What are the rules again?
- You have to drink if you've ever. - Ah.
[GASPS]
And you lived to tell the tale.
Impressive.
Is it true that you have to punch it in the nose
- to get away? - It was a baby shark,
dead on the sand.
But still, scary.
Yeah, you should have left it vague.
Oh, okay. Um...
never have I ever...
had a four-way.
Really?
- I was just parched. - Oh, that is...
- [LAUGHS] - Unh-unh. Bad form.
- [LAUGHS] - All right.
Um, never have I ever salsa danced.
- Oh, thank God. - Ah.
Never have I ever seen "The Fault in our Stars."
Ohh.
- It's bad, isn't it? - Mm.
He dies, she cries. It is just...
- It's really stupid. - [LAUGHS]
Um...
never have I ever eaten catfish
or been catfished
or catfished anyone else.
- Which one is it? - All three.
Elaborate. Ate it at a barbecue.
Delicious.
Got sucked in by a Russian bot.
And then, it was complicated.
Rainy day. Got nothing but time.
Um, anyway, I just... I just wanted to check up on an ex
without her knowing,
so I created a profile and sent her a message.
But before she wrote back,
I chickened out and just deleted everything.
Must have been some ex? College?
High school.
- Mm. - Cheerleader.
Teacher.
Hello, Mrs. Robinson.
She was probably, like, your age.
So, how did it end?
Just super badly, you know.
Like, she didn't want to mess up her marriage,
so she, uh... She broke up with me, like...
a week before school let out.
Um, I just, like, cried my guts out all summer.
It was a cruel, cruel summer.
That is insane.
Yeah, I thought I was in love,
you know.
I just kind of want to keep it light now, you know?
Just no drama, nothing too serious.
Yeah, yeah.
I've never told anyone that ever.
Wow, that, uh...
That feels really good to get that off my chest.
What about you?
I had a Spanish teacher once
that was, like, drop-dead Latin gorgeous.
No, I didn't mean my thing.
Like, what's your thing?
Anything?
Don't let me embarrass myself alone here.
Besides bloodying Helen on my wedding day?
That's old news. Come on.
You gotta... You gotta spill it.
Um...
I never said goodbye to my father.
Is he dead?
Oh, he's alive.
What happened?
When I was 10,
he left and moved to Seattle with a woman...
Isla.
My mom talked so much shit about him and his new kids.
But as I got older, I wanted to know,
you know, who were these people
that he traded us for?
So eventually, I went down an Internet wormhole,
and I got the answers.
Isla and Olivia and Evan.
They were so regular, you know.
Almost like ordinary, maybe even boring.
Which, in a weird way, was worse than them being perfect.
He destroyed our family for a big, fat lateral move.
That's his loss.
Nah, it's... it's yours
because you had to endure that, like, stupid story.
- Hey, it's all right. - No, let's go back to jacks.
[BALL BOUNCES]
Okay, this floor is not regulation.
Yeah, um, do you want, like, some help
- or anything? - No, I'm okay.
There's so many letters.
Uh, that tracks.
Delilah sort of seems like the pen pal type.
♪♪
New York State Unified Court System.
I guess we're not the only ones with secrets.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
Ugh.
These 100-calorie snacks are bullshit.
MAGGIE: Are you finished sulking?
We need to get out in the rain.
Direct exposure to the fury of Mother Nature
is the best way to reap her benefits.
Do you know how many breakups I've coddled you through?
How many times you've felt slighted
or insecure or short-legged,
and I've been there to lick your wounds?
Oh, go ahead, let it out.
I'll never find anyone as perfect.
His back hair was up to his neck.
Oh, God, of course you will.
I hear there's a slew of single Skarsgards.
And a new Hemsworth seems to pop up every day.
I don't want a Skarsgard.
And you know as well as I do,
there's no Hemsworth like the first one.
They degenerate in quality with every copy.
I want him.
Juan Andrés was the one.
Oh, psh.
There is no such thing.
Scootch.
Scootchity-scootchity.
[SIGHS]
You are the scent of jasmine in the spring.
Warm sand on bare feet.
A perfectly delivered soliloquy
following on a perfectly rapt audience.
That man is a fool.
A handsome one, yes,
but a real schmuck to have let you get away.
Maybe I'm not destined for love.
It is not in the stars to hold our destiny,
- but in ourselves. - Ugh.
What does Shakespeare know, anyway.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
Aah! Mother Nature, she speaks to us.
We must answer her call!
I'm only going
because I don't want to be alone.
Why else do we do anything?
STICK: You guys feeling it yet?
JUAN ANDRÉS: No, nothing.
Where's my face? [GASPS]
I lost my face.
[MOANS]
That's the spot.
Stay there.
JUAN ANDRÉS: He loves me. He loves me not.
He wants space.
He wants space not.
He's spaceless.
I'm spaceless.
We're all spaceless.
STICK: It's like this.
Sometimes he's gotta hide, man, in his shell.
Like this?
Brian's a... He's a turtle.
Yeah, a turtle.
It's turtles all the way down.
They're everywhere.
Hey, travelers.
How are we doing? Vitamin C, it's good for you.
Replenish your electrolytes, people.
And remember, you're nothing unless you're...
- Together. - Together.
Yeah.
So we're gonna stay here together.
- Together. - Together.
And I'm gonna get some more hydration for you, okay?
All you guys are going?
Yeah, that's right, bud.
- Stay together. - That's right, together.
Okay.
I like him.
Turtles are slow.
You can't always be slow.
We need to go fast.
Zoom, zoom.
To the bus. Grab the shrooms.
Found it.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, many thanks.
I been CrossFitting since it was called
changing big-rig tires in Jersey.
Bet you'd kill at the strong-man booth.
You'd win that bet, little woman.
[GRUNTS]
Told ya.
Rainees really dig in to the pub.
You know, that dude paid me 40 bucks
to let him bench-press our wine fridge.
It was empty, but still.
Fill it up,
bet him he can't do it twice in a row.
Double or nothing.
Who are you?
Been down a lot of roads and rode 'em hard.
Oh, the pretzels are over there.
[LAUGHS]
This is amazing.
I mean, did you see me out there?
I was, like, huzzah for the tipper!
- Yeah, it was... - What?
Art thou surprised?
[SIGHS]
- No. - I...
be a pub wench now.
Huzzah! [LAUGHS]
It's probably just jury duty.
Rennies are not great when it comes to jury summons.
Too thick.
Are court papers like college acceptance letters?
You want the thick envelope?
I used to do this with letters from mom's divorce lawyers
to manage expectations.
Isn't it illegal to look through somebody else's mail?
Not as illegal as whatever Delilah is hiding.
These aren't traffic-fine envelopes.
These are jail envelopes.
- Presumptions. - Based on justified suspicions.
Delilah's a big girl. She can handle it.
Can she? She takes care of everyone.
Me, her son, her friends. Who takes care of her?
What if she's in, like, real-world trouble.
You know, the kind that can't be fixed
with a bear hug or homemade candles...
Whatever it is,
she'll tell you about it when she's ready.
Some people just need a little more time
to talk about their secrets.
- I have to help her. - Just be calm for a second, okay?
D... David, I'm serious.
Never have ever read "Fifty Shades of Grey"
and liked it.
[LAUGHS]
See, I should be drinking right now,
but I'm afraid you'll run.
- How very Christian Grey of you. - See?
I knew that you should be drinking with me.
I'm not proud of it, but yes, I have read it.
The writing was so terrible.
Well, you're free to go.
Then I go.
- Well, go, then. - I'm going.
- Good. - Here I go.
Eww! Your face was on her face.
Where were you?
You looked in my old hiding spot.
I was in my new hiding spot.
[SIGHS]
I gotta go.
Uh, I have to go find Delilah...
I don't know what he heard.
I've gotta... These are not my clothes.
Handles like a dream.
HELEN: I love partying.
Drugs and stuff.
I should warn you, though, that shrooms can make me paranoid.
Don't worry. Shart's taking care of us.
He is?
Oh, he's also taking care of all the faire brats.
He's a model dad.
I could have been a model,
you know, if only this happened earlier.
I didn't bloom until I was 30.
The world has always been out to get me.
You weren't kidding about that paranoia.
Have you ever felt like
everyone just wants to take you down?
- Serious paranoia. - You know, like when you were a kid,
and you were bullied by those rich girls
who spread that rumor that you got pregnant
when you were 13,
and that you had the baby and gave it away
even though you were actually a virgin
until you were 24 years old?
And then your older half-sister,
she tried to get you addicted to meth.
But you didn't even try the meth
because you knew that it was a dead end.
So you run away, and you find a whole new life.
But now...
you got eyes in the back of your skull
because you never know
when somebody's gonna come and take you down!
[SIGHS]
Right?
Do you see turtles in here?
I absolutely do.
Where's Stick?
Huh. Uh, driving.
Hey. Yeah.
How much did you end up getting for the whole tongue thing?
Three, five, uhh, A, B, C, D.
Oh, $60,000?
You don't know?
Numbers are very hard for me right now.
- Is it a lot or a little? - It's a lot.
I think.
- Is it? - I don't know.
A thousand is bigger than $100,
but it's smaller than a million and a billion.
And a million billion.
Oh, my God, I didn't get enough money.
No wonder I can't even afford an oil change.
I am out of money.
- Out? - I told you!
People want to take you down!
[GRUNTS, GROWLS]
I'm gonna get Stick and go play in the mud.
[GROANS]
Um, Stick, can you pull over, buddy?
We should give Helen some space.
HELEN: [SCREAMING]
All right, let's get on with this woo-woo insanity.
I said you were like jasmine in the spring. Humor me.
First we have to choose a goal.
Mine's to regain control of this place
before it goes full-on Chuck E. Cheese.
What's yours?
To get my man back?
- No! - Fine.
I'll make mine getting your power back, too.
Genius. Now, we close our eyes
and let the storm wash over us
as we externalize our goal
and give it over to the storm.
[WHOOSH!]
♪♪
[RAIN STOPS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
She stole my thunder.
Let her have it. Can we go?
[HUMMING]
- Hey. - Oh, God!
Hey, what's up?
Are the kids ready for their big performance?
I believe so.
It's gonna be great.
- Really? - Yeah.
I didn't think you'd pull it off.
- I did. - Uh, the rain stopped,
so they can do it on the Regent stage.
- Yeah, great. - I'll get them.
You round up an audience. Get a big one.
We want the little ones to feel supported.
Yeah, okay.
- [LAUGHS] Okay. - Yeah, no problemo.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah. - Yeah.
SHART: Hey, hey, David!
My good buddy. Ha-ha. You busy?
No, not really.
Why? You wanna play a game?
That looks like we have half a Checkers set there.
Ooh, we both get to be black.
Oh, I got a much better game than Checkers.
It's called Round Up The Tripping Rennies.
Ah, is Stick seeing fish again?
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
- Attaboy. - Fluids.
Victoria! Regent stage!
Round up everyone you know!
Huzzah!
♪♪
DELILAH: [LAUGHS]
I can't decide where to focus my attention first.
Ah! Rainees.
Oh, Rainees.
I get it. [LAUGHS]
Tell me all about it.
Tell me everything. Let's talk.
Okay.
That's Rusty. He's leader of the Devil's Spawn.
It used to be Tig,
but then he got a brain injury.
No, no, no, no, no. Let's talk about you.
How are you?
I'm so good, pumpkin.
Oh, look.
Rainee love is in the air.
I never go for guys who are shorter than me.
- Weird. - Uh-huh.
So it is.
Delilah, is everything okay?
SHART: Hey!
- Whoa! - This group!
SHART: Uh, Regent stage.
Secret special show.
There's free beer. It's not really free.
- Starting in five! - [ALL CHEERING]
Delilah, I really have to talk to you, so...
- Got it. - MAN: Let's go! Secret show!
It's probably, like, a beheading.
♪♪
It's for the kids, you know.
Well, anything for the kids.
If there isn't a selection from "Matilda: The Musical,"
I'm leaving.
DAVID: Swim and swim...
and sink.
Gloop. Gloop.
Hey, hey, where is Stick and Juan Andrés?
They were gone when I got there.
Oh, uh, mm.
They wanted to drive on top of the world.
Ah, got it.
- Yeah. - Cool.
Attention, elders!
The play is ready to begin.
Please note my style is still developing.
[LAUGHTER]
"The Three Little Mammals" by Breeze Yolanda Reinhardt.
We wrote it together, Breeze.
Shut up, Moon. I'm the one who wrote it down.
Diva.
- [LAUGHTER] - One day in a village,
not unlike this very village,
lived a lot of kind of basic, but well-meaning villagers,
including, but not limited to
our titular three little mammals.
Now, this village was an idyllic utopian society.
Think free public green spaces and iPads for everyone.
[LAUGHTER]
And most of the time,
our mammals lived far from crap like persecution,
overzealous immigration enforcement,
and rampant racism.
Most of the time.
Except for just outside the village
where there lived that good old classic antagonist...
[GROANS]
... the Big Bad Wolf.
[GRUNTS]
Flimsy, wiggly... [GASPS]
Mm.
Spiky.
♪♪
But we'll get to him later.
[AUDIENCE "OOHS!"]
The first mammal was a peacock,
which is not really a mammal,
but I can't.
Hi, baby.
I love you, baby.
[AUDIENCE "AWWS"]
BREEZE: The peacock was also a mother,
and she lived with an anteater
who was also a janitor,
who was also a father.
I'm so funny. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
- STAR: You're so funny, honey. - [LAUGHTER]
I want to build our house out of toilet paper.
- Okay. - BREEZE: And they did.
There was only one problem.
We're out of toilet paper.
How did this happen?
I told you to get more toilet paper.
I forgot.
- [LAUGHTER] - You always forget!
And you're a janitor!
The mommy peacock and daddy anteater janitor
were fighting so much,
they didn't even notice
that the Big Bad Wolf was on his way,
ready to blow down every house in its path,
toilet paper or no toilet paper.
Then the rest of the village mammals came out
and had a dance party!
- Whoo! - Go mammals!
[ALL CHEERING]
Get down with me, people.
Cheer on my body parts.
- [LAUGHTER] - Who are we rooting for? I'm lost.
- Uh... - Can we go play in the mud now?
- Come on. - Yeah. Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
There's no narrative drive. I'm out.
Now I will kill you all and feed you to the Sith.
BREEZE: No, you will not, Jesse.
Okay. [LAUGHS]
The dancing mammals were very annoying.
So the second mammal
- came out to see what was going on. - [GASPS]
[SPITS]
I'm a porpoise.
[IMITATES PORPOISE]
That's my little boy!
I built my house out of hempcrete and bamboo,
which are both strong and eco-friendly,
all for me and my mama.
[AUDIENCE "AWWS"]
Unless the court takes her away to jail.
Uhh, thank you, porpoise.
Lil Boy! Lil Boy!
We are almost done here, people.
Third mammal, your cue!
[LAUGHTER]
I'm a pretty princess.
[LAUGHTER]
And I want to build my house
out of new and shiny things
that are a zillion times better.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I'm the queen.
And I like our house just the way it is.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I'm young and cute, and everyone loves me.
Just because I am old and stale
does not mean I'm not the queen of this house.
[AUDIENCE "OHHS"]
[AUDIENCE MURMURS]
BREEZE: But little did they know
that no matter what their house was made of,
they still had to watch out for the big, bad...
HELEN: Amanda Klein!
You owe me a million dollars.
- Shart! - Got 'em.
- Hey kids, follow me. - AMANDA: Helen.
- But, daddy, we're not done! - Oh, yes, you are.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Thanks, babe. - Always.
Mwah!
AMANDA: Uh, uh, Helen, calm down, okay?
Let's just... Let's just talk, okay?
No.
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[ALL GASP]
I thought you said we were square?
I'll huff, and I'll puff,
and I'll rip your tits off!
[SCREAMS]
♪♪
I got $20 on the little one! Let's go!
[ALL SHOUTING]
♪♪
All right, listen up.
No, no, no. No eating mud.
No matter how much it looks and feels like chocolate.
Many brave, good-looking men have gone down that way.
But, you know, you can play in it.
AMANDA: She's gonna kill me!
I am going full "Revenant" on your ass!
[SCREAMS]
Anybody else seeing tree demons?
I believe those are cloud people.
But still, we should move.
AMANDA: Eat bench, you lunatic!
- Oh! - Whoa!
DAVID: Okay, move, move, move, move.
HELEN: [GROANS, PANTING]
I cut off my ear lobe with a melon baller.
Oh, God.
Hi.
Hey, you guys want to sleep over?
You.
When will it be enough for you, huh?
When we install a virtual-reality booth?
When you've maimed us all?
When we rename this place
Amanda's Royal Renaissance Festival?
[SCREAMING]
[ALL "OHH"]
Best day ever!
AMANDA: Are you crazy?
Mud wrestling?
Seriously, this is some hardcore patriarchal bullshit!
[SCREAMS]
- Ohh! - Ohh!
Damn it.
Not enough memory.
I got it.
MAGGIE: Hey!
- Ahh! - Ohh!
- That's right. Get her! - Oh!
Oh!
Are you okay?
I'm amazing.
It's like we're real Rennies.
I was planning to do this
at the kissing bridge at eventide, but screw it.
[GASPS]
Lady Jenny Miller of Rochester,
wilt thou marry me?
I shall!
[LAUGHS]
Oh! [LAUGHS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
Boom!
[GRUNTS]
- [LAUGHS] Yeah! - Yeah.
[PANTING]
Are you happy now?
No.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Fine lords and ladies...
We're engaged!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Huzzah!
AMANDA: Maggie.
Maggie, slow down.
- Maggie, stop this! - Stop this?
Stop what?
It's too late to stop anything after all you started.
What's so terrible? I started a couple of new things, so what?
You act like you're the first person
to ever join the faire,
to ever feel how special and freeing this world can be.
There were people here before you, you know.
- I know. - No, you don't know anything.
Did you know there weren't any female performers
other than the Queen until I convinced the Royal
to bring in Washer Wenches two decades ago?
- No, but that... - And what about axe throwing?
Did you think that was just always here?
- Kind of. - Well, it wasn't.
I dated the axe gamer at Raleigh,
and suddenly next summer,
there were axes at the Royal.
I was the...
I was the pretty princess with all the big ideas.
And now I'm just an evil old queen
with nothing to show for it.
20 years, and I have nothing.
Maggie, I... I'm so sorry.
- I... - It's too late.
It doesn't matter.
- [SIGHS] I'll come back later. - No, no, no.
I went to some places today,
and I need you to reassure me that I'm still sane.
- But we're... - What?
Broken up.
Oh, my God. When did that happen?
Christ, I must have blacked out.
What did I do?
No, this morning.
Our fight.
Yeah, it was a fight.
People fight.
You thought that was breaking up?
It wasn't?
Hon, there's no mistaking when I break up with someone.
Shit gets said.
That was a blip.
Not even a thing.
It felt like a thing.
I'm new at all of this.
- I get it. - Do you?
Because I'm timid and petulant and...
probably a bunch of other things
that I haven't even discovered yet.
I think I might talk in my sleep.
Oh, God. Do I talk in my sleep?
Do I ever mention Justin Theroux?
Oh.
You're my boyfriend, Turtle.
We'll figure it out.
Turtle?
Maybe we keep pitching out pet names.
Okay, whatever you say.
- That's what I say. - Yeah.
It's impossible to move in that stuff.
How do you guys do it?
Have you not noticed that I'm, like, super ripped?
Just shredded. I mean, muscles for days.
Oh.
[SHOWER TURNS ON]
♪♪
Ahh.
Let me know if you need anything.
♪♪
I do.
Good thing Lil Boy wasn't here to interrupt us this time.
Lil Boy!
I'll be right back!
Stay here.
Don't move a muscle.
Not that one or that one.
What about this one?
Definitely not that one.
All right, you got it.
Okay.
Everything's okay, sweetheart,
but please tell me where on earth
you got the idea that mommy was going to jail?
She said it.
I found some mail.
From the court.
- Is everything okay? - Of course it is.
It's probably just the court telling me
to come get that dang passport
I forgot I sent away for.
Oh.
Now, listen to me.
I'm gonna take care of everything, okay?
So you don't need to worry another hot second.
Why don't you try and find some dry wood
for the campfire
- Okay. - Okay?
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry he overheard.
- What... is everything okay? - [CRIES]
You can tell me.
Is it money? A Ponzi scheme?
You know, two of my mom's cousins
got screwed over by Madoff.
Oh, my God.
Are you somebody's Goomah?
What? No.
Then what's going on?
My parents want custody of Lil Boy.
They've never approved of the faire life and...
now they want to take him away from it
and from me.
[SCOFFS]
They can do that?
I don't know, but I'm scared.
[SOBBING]
[SIGHS]
I think I know somebody who can help.
♪♪
Ahh, yes.
Brett?
It's me.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com