-- Addic7ed.com --
[theme song playing]
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie ♪
♪ Tuca & Bertie ♪
- ♪ Tuca ♪ - ♪ And Bertie ♪
[both vocalize]
[song ends]
[grunting]
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme Gimme my sugar high ♪
♪ La-la la la, la-la-la ♪
[oven timer dings]
Ooh!
♪ Just a little more ♪
♪ La-la-la ♪
♪ La-la la la, la-la-la ♪
Ah! Mm!
- [screams] - Warm greetings, friendly banter,
witty remarks... [blabbering]
Okay, let's cut the crap and head to my Auntie Tallulah's house
while the swimming pool is still warm!
Oh, no, is it her birthday again?
I can't go with you this year.
No! Why not?
I have the whole day booked solid.
I'm going to exercise, maybe learn a new dance move,
then I'm going to a meeting for Women Taking Up Space.
[Tuca] Wootus!
[Bertie] And then my apprenticeship at the bakery starts tonight.
A full day of self-empowering activities!
I even have an outfit picked out for later.
That's right, today is Self-Care Saturday.
- Bertie, I'm so proud of you. - Aw!
Last week, you didn't wanna go outside.
And now you're doing all this great stuff for yourself.
Wearing an article of clothing that's impossible to pee in.
So brave!
Yeah, it's no big deal. I just pull it to the side.
Ooh!
Sorry I can't go with you today. Are you gonna be okay with your auntie?
It's your first time up there since you stopped drinking.
Yeah, yeah. She'll drink enough for the both of us.
- Mmm... - I should get going, though,
since I have to take the stupid slow bus all the way up to the Beakshires.
Whoa! Who's going to the Beakshires?
Me. All alone! Solo!
Wait, wait, wait. I read about that neighborhood in architecture school.
They have, like, two Ashby houses up there.
- A Lippincott! A jungle bungalow! - It's true!
Did you know a jiggly buffalo
- lives in that jungle bungalow? - Ooh!
Tuca's auntie lives in one of the Rhonda Padgett houses.
Are you serious?
- Hey, Tuca, wild pitch... - What did you call me?
What if I tag along with you to your aunt's house?
Hmm, a Tuca & Speckle Day.
What would that even be like?
Uh... [chuckles] it'll be fun!
♪ It's Tuca & Speckle Day! ♪
♪ We'll look at houses and eat snacks ♪
♪ Maybe we'll find matching slacks ♪
♪ It's Tuca & Speckle Day! ♪
- Feels weird. - Uh, I just can't picture it.
- I can drive. - Shotgun!
Aw, yeah!
- Ooh! Architecture podcast? - Ugh, no!
- Political podcast? - Boo!
You're like the boring dad I never had.
[sighs loudly]
Okay, okay, I... I think I have something you might like.
[woman on radio] It's a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl.
- Boy marries girl. Boy kills girl... - [Tuca] Ooh!
...and remarries girl's sister in a backyard ceremony
over the shallow grave where the girl is buried
until, of course, the body is discovered.
[gasps] Murder!
All of which we covered in parts one through four.
Today, we thought we'd step back
and get some context on how the appellate court system works.
[Tuca] No!
- Ugh! Forget this! Let's just talk. - Sure.
So, how'd your aunt afford a house in the Beakshires?
Did she marry some rich tycoon?
She married and divorced a couple of rich tycoons,
several bigwigs, a fat cat, three movers, and a shaker.
But that was after she made her own money in the plumage industry,
thank you very much.
- She sounds like a hell of a lady. - She's basically me times ten.
- [laughs] Times ten! Whoa, boy! That's... - [Tuca] Ka-kaw!
- That's... that's a lot. - You know you love it, Speckle!
- Woo-hoo! - ♪ Twerk, twerk, twerk it down low ♪
Swing left, then swing right.
Remember to bop your head with your arms to the beat!
Easy.
[grunting]
♪ Twerk it down low ♪
Damn, I'm good!
Maybe I should record myself and post it on the Internet!
- [knocking] - [screams, groans]
[Bertie panting]
- [rattling] - [groaning]
Uh, I'm here to check the sink.
Um, I didn't know about this.
Did the landlord ask you to?
- Yep. There's a leak. - Oh, um...
- I don't know if I'm comfortable with... - You're such a small bird.
- Uh... - Really short.
I bet I could lift two of you at once.
- Um, thanks? - [clattering]
- Do you have a husband or a boyfriend? - What?
If you do, he should keep his muddy work boots outside
to let people know there's a man in the house.
[man grunts]
- What? - Just making polite conversation.
I've been told it's off-putting when I silently stare.
Uh...
I just need to...
[screaming]
[panting]
[phone clicking, whooshing]
[panting]
- [phone whistles] - Ah!
Great. Helpful.
[grunts] Found the leek.
- Ugh! This could take a while. - I'm... I need to go.
All right, I guess I'll just lock up when I leave.
I have my own key.
[ominous music swells]
[whines]
- [tires screech] - Wow!
- I know, right? - [dogs barking]
Bernard, good to see you, too!
And the puppies! Hey, babies!
[kissing]
- [barking] - [laughs]
You are wild, Bernard!
Oh, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
- Damn. - [birds chirping, screeching]
[laughing] Wow!
Ah.
That plodding gait can only belong to my favorite niece, Tuca! [chuckles]
Not your fault, baby. You were cursed with those big legs.
[laughs]
And whose stumpy-ass torso is that?
Is it my Auntie Tallulah or is it a squashed-up roly poly getting a massage?
[both laugh]
Is that a man I smell with you
or just your own sweaty, unadulterated musk?
- Ha! - [laughs]
It is a pleasure to meet you, Tallulah.
I have to say, this house is even more impressive in person.
You know, one of those things that just get better with age.
Well, anything worth having usually does.
- [gasps] - [chuckles]
[chuckles] Yes, except bagels.
- Look at me! - Oh.
Completely underdressed for company.
- Give me a minute to change. - Oh, yeah, take your time.
You know, I could look around here forever.
[gasps] What?
You were on the cover of Tail & Feather magazine?
[Tallulah] Many times!
I told you, my auntie is a huge deal.
[laughs] Oh, Tuca, I love how you brag on me.
Can't wait for you to accomplish something I can brag about.
Ah, you better live a long time, you old witch.
[Speckle] Wow!
[narrator] The face and brains of the Plumeco Featherette Collection
is equally at home in front of the camera or behind it,
crafting fashions that keep housewives, starlets, and investors happy.
She's broken through the glass ceiling and left it in bloody shards
for the next woman to climb through.
It seems there's nowhere to go but up for this one-of-a-kind fashion icon.
So, I told the emir, "I can Dubai my own drink,
thank you very much!" [laughs]
Ha! Dubai.
Ah! I'm free!
This is better than staying home, anyways.
- Fresh air. - [laughing]
Huh?
- Waba-waba! - [groans]
- Nice drumsticks, chickadee. - [screams]
[shrieks, grunts]
[panting]
Excuse me, do you know where I can find...
Just let me live! [panting]
[gasps] Why is everyone attacking me today?
[cries]
Speckle?
Where did that dude go? [shrieks]
- Hey-o! - [both laugh]
Nice surprise entrance.
I was so excited to find this here.
The architect was known for her sense of whimsy,
and she built all these sorts of secret passageways into her houses.
This staircase goes all the way up to the attic!
No way!
This is genuinely cool.
Like, I'm actually interested in the words coming out of your beak.
What's happening?
Oh-ho!
You've been seduced by the alluring mistress that is architecture.
Follow me.
Here. It's my auntie's signature cocktail:
passion fruit nectar, champagne, and a splash of ginger beer.
She calls it "Tummy Trouble."
Mmm! This is amazing!
Here, drink mine, too.
Why don't you tell your aunt that you stopped drinking?
It's her birthday.
I don't wanna bring the festivities down with a bunch of sobriety talk.
Just drink my drink and help me pretend everything is normal, okay?
Okay.
Mmm.
- What's in here? - Oh! Peeping holes.
[dogs barking]
[unzips zipper]
[panting]
[Tuca snickers]
- [both laughing] - [Speckle] Oh.
[both laughing]
Oh! There you are, glasses empty and woefully underdressed.
- [bell ringing] - Bernard!
Bring more cocktails to the dressing room, and keep that booze a'flowing.
- [Tallulah] Ha-ha! - [both chuckling]
Hello? Creepy plumber guy?
I'm recording this on my phone in case there's a trial.
Whew! He's gone.
Good thing I'm going to that empowerment meeting today.
♪ Wootus! ♪
[laughs, sighs] I'll just shower real quick.
What if he comes back?
Or he put a camera in the pipes?
[sniffing]
I'm good.
[humming]
[groans]
- Nice stems, baby! - [groans]
Can't take my eyes off those calves.
Mm, girl, I love your tibias and fibulas.
- Huh? - I'm an orthopedic surgeon.
But at night, I'm a creep.
- [chuckles] - [screams]
[grunts, screams]
[screaming continues]
Okay, better not.
[whirring]
Yeah.
That top is too loose.
It should be more fitting.
It should hug but never pinch.
Oh, Auntie, you're always all about that bosom.
I prefer to show off other assets.
[vocalizing]
- Whatever you got, flaunt it. - What, these saggy old things?
- Uh, uh, uh! - Go ahead!
I can't feel anything down there at this point.
Ha-ha! Ta-da!
I feel so free!
Yes, darling, fabulous.
[Tallulah chuckles]
[barks]
[singing]
[howling]
Sorry I'm late. [chuckles]
So sorry.
[clears throat] We don't do that here, the whole apology thing.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
[whispers] I'm sorry.
Put this in your pants.
This is the Women Taking Up Space meeting, right?
- Mm-hmm. - Last week, we talked about manspreading.
This is an exercise designed to put you in the head space of the enemy...
- man-bros. - [man grunts]
Mickey, care to demonstrate?
[grunts]
Oh. Uh?
Bertie, give it a try.
Is there, like, a baby carrot I could start with?
You know, maybe a cornichon?
Uh-uh.
Ah!
Oops! [chuckles]
Look, I have a third boob!
- [laugh] - [sighs]
[whimpering]
[laughing]
- Wow, look at all these memories. - [Tallulah chuckles]
The only thing that hasn't changed is the size of your schnoz.
[laughs] True.
I was one big-beaked baby.
- [gasps] Oh! - [Speckle] Hey, is that your mom?
- You look just like her. - Yeah.
My mom raised all of us kids by herself.
So many good memories there.
[Tallulah] Good? The heat was on and off.
You kids were barefoot most of the time.
The five of you running around barely supervised.
It's a wonder any of you survived at all.
[Tuca] It's true, we didn't have a lot of money,
but my mom was crafty and took good care of us.
We all loved each other.
It all kind of fell apart after she died.
[sighs] I'm so sorry.
Ah, such a tragedy.
So young, so many questionable decisions.
Luckily for Tuca,
her dim bulb of a brain was bright enough to stick close to Auntie Tallulah.
Yeah. Okay, Auntie.
Let's rein it in. Maybe we should switch to beer.
Huh? Oh!
Bernard, bring us the beertinis!
Let's practice some different responses to catcalls, huh?
Ladies... [blows whistle] come at me.
- Eh, sweet-lips. - [giggles] Thank you.
Mm, okay, Jewell, we still need to work on responding to unwanted attacks.
- But great confidence. - Oh, my God. [giggles] Thank you.
[whistle blows]
- Hey, honey-haunches. - [screams]
- I'm gonna kill you! - Ooh, ooh!
Die, die, die!
[sighs]
[pants]
I mean, please die.
Thank you.
Wow, okay.
This exercise can be very triggering.
But that was great. Next?
[whistles blows]
Mmm! Must be jam 'cause jelly don't shake like that.
I'm confused.
Yeah, aren't jam and jelly the same thing?
Actually, no.
- Jam's chunkier. - Huh.
And it's got more real pieces of fruit in it.
- It's way better than jelly. - Ooh! Do marmalade.
- Sorry. - [groans]
See, nowadays, everybody's just got it hanging out 24/17.
[scoffs] It's no mystery.
And the leggings.
Ah! The leggings already!
It's like a... like a goddamn mooseknuckle express train!
In my day, a woman was expected to put out some effort.
Hmm. Well, it's been a wonderful day.
We should probably head home.
I have to say, it was "amezing." [laughs]
Amezing? Amazing. It was amazing.
Here's to rich people writing checks to guys like us
- so we can build them crazy houses. - [dogs barking]
- Cheers! - [clinking]
[laughs] I better get him home.
But it was great seeing you, Auntie Tallulah.
- Happy birthday! - [horn squawks]
Yeah, well, I'll get you what you came for.
- Bernard, fetch the checkbook! - [bell rings]
What I came for was to see you and wish you a happy birthday.
And to keep the lights on in that dingy apartment of yours.
Don't let her be so rude to you.
It's too mean.
She doesn't mean it.
This is what we do. We drink, we banter.
What are you two losers whispering about?
Diet tricks for losing those fat legs and that birdseed booty?
[pen clicks]
[chuckles awkwardly]
[sighs]
I want to close tonight's session with an idea
that I planted with some of you last week: our own personal mantras.
Now is the time to share.
Jewell, I see you've got something already.
Life is like a river with big rocks in it.
Or like a road with, like, deep potholes.
- Or like a body full of burps. - [burps]
You just need to weather those storms. [burps]
Oh, huh, so free. Uh, thank you.
Anyone else wanna share a mantra, huh?
- Eat my ass, Kevin! - Ah!
[sighs]
Ooh! Declarative and rolls off the tongue. I like it.
Anyone else wanna have a go?
- Huh. - [Bertie humming]
- Uh, Bertie. Bertie, why don't you go? - Ah! Oh, I don't know if I'm ready.
This workshop doesn't work unless you reach deep inside of yourself
and grab a handful of bloody viscera,
a pulpy pile of your true feelings, Bertie.
Yikes!
It's just... sometimes I feel like it's a man's world
and I'm just a little leaf getting blown around.
I have no control, no protection.
I'm so tired of feeling scared
and at the whim of people bigger and stronger than me.
I just wish I could...
You could what?
Never mind.
I don't think I'm in the best mood for a pithy mantra today.
Hey, it doesn't have to be pithy or catchy or cute.
What do you wanna say to the men who are up in your space,
stopping you from just living your goddamn life?
[exhales]
I'm an adult woman.
I deserve to be treated like a person, and not an object.
I am not here for your entertainment.
I am not your plaything!
So get out of my space or I'll break yo' face!
[all gasp]
Oh, Bertie.
Bertie, that was true power.
Do you feel it inside, in your pulp?
I think I do!
[all sighing]
I mean, it sounded a little ornate to me.
I just think "Eat my ass, Kevin" is more direct.
Okay, just get in on the moment, Joyce.
Oh!
You love mooching off my money.
[chuckles] Guilty as charged.
So flighty and irresponsible.
Always refusing to make tough decisions.
[chuckles] Wow, Auntie, you're really roasting me hard tonight.
It's no wonder you turned out the way you did.
You're just like your mother.
Don't you dare say another word about my mother.
[laughs] Oh! Did I hit a nerve?
You can say whatever you want about me,
but that woman put nothing but positivity and love in this world
for the brief time that she was in it.
So, you just stop!
Positivity and love, huh?
And what did that get her?
No career, no man.
And you ended up just like her!
At least you got the good sense to take my money.
I never asked you for anything. I came to see you.
You can keep the money. [grunts]
[grunts]
Excellent show, Tuca!
Oh, you'll be back when you've sobered up and realize what you've done.
I've been sober for six months.
Oh, six whole months this time.
Well, staple a spruce to your caboose.
- Ugh! - Your mooching is cute now,
but it won't be so charming when you're my age.
Everyone is gonna leave you in the end.
You can't depend on anyone, you know?
They're all gonna leave you!
[sighs]
[door closes]
Hey.
Uh...
[exhales]
Hello?
I'm here for my apprenticeship.
I'm pretty sure you said to come right...
- Ack! - Let's get started. Get in here.
[squeals and giggles]
- No, no. Like this. - [whimpers]
[Pete grunting]
- [stammers] Okay, hey, can we just... - Now you try.
- I need to say something. - [clears throat] "Yes, Chef."
Oh. Uh...
Hmm?
Yes, Chef?
- Let's go. - Yes, Chef!
- Um... - Faster!
Eh... Ooh!
Huh?
Bigger!
- [groans] - Better!
- [echoes] More! - Ugh!
Yes, Chef!
[laughs] Ah!
[Speckle slurring] ♪ It's Tuca & Speckle Day ♪
♪ We drank some drinks And then I fell on the floor ♪
♪ It's Tuca & Speckle Day! ♪
Shit!
Why did I rip up that check?
How am I gonna pay rent this month?
That's okay.
You're always finding gigs.
You've got mobile notary, fortune walker,
doggie tour guide, and noble motory.
[sighs] Maybe my auntie is right.
I'm unfocused, irresponsible, a moocher.
What if I don't get my shit together
and I never adopt 12 babies, and I don't have a family,
and I end up all alone like Tallulah?
No way, Tookles.
You have me and Bertie. We're a family!
[sighs] Thanks, dude.
Speckle, where are your pants?
Tookie, I'm never wearing pants again.
This is who I am now!
[growling]
Bertie, come here.
- I want you to see this. - Yes, Chef!
I'm working to perfect the process of making a roux from bananas.
Fruit roux.
- And you're in the front row. - [giggles]
You know it's done not by temperature or by time,
but by smell and appearance.
It's almost ready. Smell.
[sniffs] Mm!
Oh, yeah, so fragrant.
Stay in there so you can see the color change.
- If it gets too dark, it's over. - Uh... mm-hmm.
Yeah, I... I can see it. It's just super hot. [chuckles]
This is the most important part.
- There, right there. Look. - Yes, Chef.
Stay in there.
- [grunting] - Really breathe it in.
Feel it.
[grunts]
- [whimpering] - [Pete moans]
[screams, panting]
Did you feel it?
I... I'll be right back!
[gasps]
[panting]
- [faucet turns off] - [panting]
[moaning]
- [sink rattles] - [moaning continues]
♪ Shakin' up the scene again I'm snatching at your hands ♪
♪ Smashin' away for dollars Same as you, I got a man ♪
♪ Searchin' for ways to get ya Yeah, I need to get you fast ♪
♪ You're pullin' up my underwear And grabbin' at my ass ♪
♪ I'm just your crash, smash dummy That you bash in your back seat ♪
♪ Junkyard remix that you throw Onto your girl, you ho ♪
♪ Let's keep it gold And keep it quiet, now ♪
♪ It's a shame, it's a shame No, I'm not a dame ♪
♪ Turn around, bend over Close your eyes ♪
♪ Keep quiet, now ♪
[harp music playing]
[barking, chittering]
[man] Boxer versus raptor, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!