~~ [ Man Singing ]
~~ [ Continues ]
~~ [ Ends ]
[Jack Narrating ] Here's the thing about New York City.
It's a city of small apartments and even smaller kitchens...
which is why New Yorkers love to eat out.
- Cheers. -And the good news is...
their favorite restaurants start to feel like home.
- This is the fourth time I've eaten here. - I know.
Oh, God. Your food is fantastic. I wish I could cook like this.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, thank you.
You know, uh, for special customers like yourself, I give private cooking lessons.
So perhaps you should give me your number.
Uh, we could discuss the syllabus?
[Jack Narrating ] Bold. I know. But you gotta sing while you're winning.
Attention, everyone. Last night's receipts.
Our best Friday night ever.
Oh, I love this man. He's a genius.
You know, he really is a genius.
I bet he did so well on his S.A.T.'s.
What, are you made of mayonnaise?
Teddy, wow, big night. Hey, speaking of money, how much do you have?
- What do you mean? On me? - No, no, no. In the world.
Uh, I'm out. Whatever it is, I am out.
Come on, man. Gambling's in your blood.
Oh, right, right, right. Because I'm Asian.
I also own my own dojo and my pockets are full of firecrackers.
Well, you know what? You can just say no. You don't have to insult me.
- Her name's Handsome Lass. - Seth, for the love of God.
Oh, come on. A purebred, Teddy. A winner from a line of winners.
- She's going off at 1 0-to-one. - You said I could just say no.
Ah, 1 0-to-one, Teddy.
Like you said yourself, you're Asian.
You do the math. Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, watch those- - You look like the cat that did the canary.
Come on. This might be the best night of my life. How much better can it get?
Clearly you've never done it with twins.
What? And this time, I'm actually sober enough to enjoy it.
Well, good for you. Here's to sobriety.
- You hear how quiet that is? They're enjoying our food. - Mmm.
That's the sound of loyalty. That's the sound of love.
My luck has finally turned.
- Shh. - Hold it right there.
-[ All Screaming ] - Everybody down on the floor.!
Shut up, lady.
- Go get him. - Go- Go get him?
- Everybody down on the floor! - I can't!
This dress is too tight for underwear.
Okay, then- then you just come stand next to me.
- He's by himself in the kitchen. Go get him. - You go get him.
- What? - I'm a sous-chef, not Rambo.
Take it, take it. They're all, uh, maxed out anyway.
- Hey, you too. - Oh, yeah. Good luck getting money out of him.
- You, give me the watch! - Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Don't mess with me. - I'm trying.
My hand is slippery. It's been up a halibut's ass all day.
You think you're smart? You think you're funny?
Okay. He's sorry.
There you go.
[ Sighs ]
- No, he did not save my life. - It was- It was nothing.
That's right. It was nothing because you didn't do anything.
- Except for save your life. - Okay, stop saying that, because he didn't save my life.
Woo-hoo! Handsome Lass came in 1 0-to-one!
- I should've bet more. - What bet? I thought you were broke.
Yeah. Yeah, except for that 20 bucks I may have borrowed from your wallet.
Round of mai tais.
It's gone. Damn it. It's my good luck chip. That's my one-year chip.
Does this mean you're drinking again?
I always thought the sobriety thing was really holding you back.
Don't you see what's happening? I changed my luck.
- What do you mean? - I tempted fate by enjoying my success. I jinxed it.
Oh, impossible. That's magical thinking.
By that logic, if you were to say that this room was not filled with cupcakes...
then suddenly we'd be neck-deep in cupcakes.
- Are you baked right now? - A little, yeah.
[Jackhammer Pounding ]
- [ Man ] Hey,Jack. - Hey, can you guys dig any closer, huh?
We got business here tonight.
[Jack Narrating ] Here's the thing about being a leader.
Everybody takes their cues from you.
So no matter what curveball fate throws you,you can never let them see you sweat.
Okay. Who's a little freaked out about what happened last night?
- [ All ] Me. - Well, relax.
We're not gonna get robbed again. Lightning does not strike twice.
Tonight, Nolita's the safest place in New York City.
Unless we become an easy target. And then we get hit again and again and again.
Okay, somebody get her a drink. This is nothing, a hiccup. This is a speed bump.
- Have you seen today's paper? - Not yet.
[ Sighs ] " Diners at Nolita were served up an order of terror last night...
''as three gunmen brutally robbed the trendy downtown eatery.
Will the corner of Spring and Bowery ever recover?''
So? You think that people are gonna stay away because of a newspaper article?
- [ All ] Yes. - No. This is New York City.
This is the greatest city in the world with the toughest people in the world.
We're gonna bounce back. You guys need proof?
Take a look at this. Yeah.
We're totally booked for tonight.
It's a full house, people. Now, what are you guys doing sitting there...
when we're the hottest restaurant in town, and we have a city to feed?
So, come on, let's go get 'em!
Come on! Let's go! Let's go get 'em! Let's get crazy focused!
- The man's got a gift. - I love that guy.
He's healing us with his words.
And in another scenario, that could've got him laid.
-Jack, can I talk to you a moment? - Don't have time. Busy night.
Actually-
Okay, uh, call the Ludermans. Tell them we can fit them in at 8:00.
Well, really, we could squeeze them in any time because-
We're fully booked. Tanya, we're fully booked.
- No, we're not. - Yes. Yes, we are. We're fine.
-[ Thudding ] - Ow, my knee.!
[Jack Narrating ] Look, we all know nothing in life is easy.
So, sometimes when your luck runs out...
you gotta be willing to dig down deep...
stare fortune in the face and lie like a rug.
Business has never been better.
- Then why am I cold-calling you? - Yes, at gunpoint.
But what the paper doesn't tell you is that we comped all the desserts that night.
So you can't come down here? After all the times I came to your place.
Tell you about our security system. All the chefs are armed.
3:00, 4:00 in the morning when I was up all night.
-That is how we roll now. -No, no, no. I'm glad you're not my dealer anymore.
- The Ludermans canceled. - Oh, of course they did.
- And Pino called again. - Of course he did.
You know, I feel a little bad that things are going so great for me...
and things are going so poorly forJack.
If you feel guilty, why don't you give him some of your winnings?
Is this really about money, or is this about something much deeper?
- You let it ride, didn't you? - Every freakin' penny.
[ Laughing ] Yeah.
So, uh, start of the dinner rush?
- Good evening. How are you? - Thank you.
- Welcome. We're so happy to see you. - Thank you.
Exactly. People are coming back.
- I told you there was nothing to worry about. - Yeah, you were absolutely right.
Hi. Some bread for you?
These are warm and very fresh.
Very fresh. Excellent.
- And some more wine. - Wine list? Wine-
Oh, you-you got it. You got it. Oh, sorry.
- Let's go. My cyst hurts. - Yeah. Let's go.
You know, I think- I think maybe the robbery hurt us.
I'm not worried. I am not worried.
- No. - I know exactly what I need to do.
[Jack Narrating ] Desperate Measure Number One: Call Margie Mossburg...
noted gossip columnist, married six times, and a closeted lesbian.
Give her free food and she'll pump you in her column.
- That's the upside. The downside is- - Oh, so good to see you.
Kisses. Kisses. How is the septum? Clean as a whistle.
[ Chuckling ] How's the " tushy''? Ooh! Tight as a drum.
Well, you are looking younger every day.
Oh, I got a little gossip for you. I still get my period.
- Oh, then we'd better be careful. - Oh, God.
It's as hot as a sauna in here.
- [ Laughing ] - Oh, anyway. I heard about the robbery.
Such bad luck. Was it racially motivated? Don't answer that.
Let's talk about food. What's good? And what's free?
- Everything. - [ Laughing ]
Whoo! [ Laughing ]
Go in and work. Go in and work.
Oh, he's big.
So you're not concerned at all? Nah.Jack's got it under control.
Plus, in the last 2 4 hours, I've been playing the ponies pretty successfully.
- Really? How much have you made? - Well, I don't like to-
- 1 3,000. [ Laughing ] - [ Gasps ]
Lemons.
Here. It's high-carbon Japanese steel with an ergonomic handle.
- Take it. - Teddy.
Gosh. I told you, you don't owe me anything.
Okay? I don't want your knives. I don't want anything.
- Except- - What? Tell me what you want so I can finally be free, man.
- Teach me fugu. - Blowfish? No way. It's not even legal.
It took me two years to get my fugu license, and that's only good in Japan.
- You said I could have anything. - Not that.
Or sex with me. Not those two things.
- You owe me. - I knew it.
-[ Margie Laughing ] - Hey, Mimi. Why aren't you at Margie's table?
Because I can't take it anymore.
She's making all these unreasonable demands, and I'm being groped from all sides.
It's like I fell into a tank at Sea World.
Everything is riding on this. We need a positive mention in her column.
- So just suck it up and take one for the team! - [ Laughing ] There she is.
-Jack, everything is delicious. - Thank you.
- Especially this one. - [ Laughing ]
- I smell a comeback. - Yea.
- Oh, is this pork mine? - It is now.
- Oy. - Yeah. Tell me I can pull this off.
You know what would take the edge off? The company of a dirty little minx.
- Maybe you're right. - There you go. Call the woman you met the other night.
- [ Woman ] Flair Cleaners. - Oh, I'm sorry. I have the wrong number.
Must've misdialed.
- Flair Cleaners. - Oh, Flair Cleaners.
- She gave me a fake number. - Evidently.
Listen, while I've got you on the line, can you get a protein stain out of cashmere?
- Margie's leaving! - You couldn't keep an open mind!
- [ All Groaning ] - Oh, my God! What is that smell?
The construction crew down the street hit a sewer line.
- I think it's coming up through our toilet. - Ladies.
Ladies, ladies, ladies. Margie, Margie, oh.
- Sit down. Sit down. -Jack.
- What? - This place smells worse than my ex-husband's 'nads.
- But overall, you had a positive experience, right? - [ Gasps ]
[ Splashes ]
- She's gonna have to burn that skirt. - Mmm.
- Is that all 28,000? - Yes. Per your request...
it's in small bills so you can roll around in it.
You know, I'm surprised. I just thought a high roller like you...
would let it ride, you know, and go for the big score.
Then that's what I'm doing. Letting it ride.
I just wanted to see it before I let it ride.
You know, blow on it for luck.
[ Exhaling ]
Great.
If you hit again, call that number. You gotta go pick it up.
Right. 'Cause you don't wanna walk around with that kind of cabbage. Pow.
Hit the trifecta, Theodore.
Because I didn't listen to the girl who said...
"Don't spend your money on the horses.
- Use it to buy panties like me.'' [ Laughing ] - You still owe me 20 bucks.
Yeah. You know, I don't think I'm the one who should be worried about owing people.
Facial. [ Imitates Gunfire ]
[ Chuckling ]
[Jack Narrating ] Desperate Measure Number Two:
If you can't bring the people to the restaurant, you bring the restaurant to the people.
Sir, would you care for Nolita's beef carpaccio? Sir? No? No?
Hi, how are you? Beef carpaccio, ma'am?
Oh, why are you walking away? It's just meat.
- I just have some meat for you. Hi, how are you? - So,you are like me now.
Peddling food on the sidewalk.
Only I have license and umbrella.
I'm nothing like you, Tiny. This is haute cuisine.
-How are you? Beef carpaccio? -Believe what you want. But your luck has changed.
The time of Nolita is over.
You guys hungry? Anybody hungry? Anybody eat meat anymore?
- Maybe you're right. - Eh, don't be sad. Here, have soda.
- Thanks, Tiny. - It's Tony. And it's four dollars.
That's friend price.
[ Fax Machine Beeping ]
- What are you doing? - Nothing. Nothing.
Just, um, faxing my mother.
Because she's deaf.
You're faxing your deaf mother your resume?
- I fax her everything. - Donna, you are overreacting.
You don't have to find another job. This restaurant is not going out of business.
Okay, we're going under. What do you got? I'm open to anything.
- No idea's a bad idea. - Then prepare to be dazzled.
- Model night. - Okay. Okay. Uh, I'm listening.
Lots of places got one night when models come, and they hang out and meet agents.
It's like a sanctuary.
I know people. We could do it tonight.
Do it for the models,Jack.
Someone has to help the models.
- Do you even listen to yourself? - I try not to.
I'm ready. Teach me.
Okay. Ground rules for fugu.
The skin, the liver and the roe of the blowfish are highly toxic.
So today, we're not going to cut the fish.
We're not going to touch the fish.
- We are merely going to respect the fish. - Oh, but you said that-
Knife to pectoral fin.
- Knife to pectoral fin. - Okay.
- Hey! Whoa! Whoa! - What? What?
- Don't cut. Place. - Right.
Point to it. Show me.
Okay.
[ Screams ]
Why is Jim frothing at the mouth?
The fish was fresher than I thought.
-~~ [ Techno ] - [ Chattering ]
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
Oh, look at that. It's a thing of beauty.
What are you talking about? They're not ordering any food.
No, this is just the drinking part.
Once they have liquor, then they realize that they're starving.
Then they're in the mood, the mood for food.
[ Mimi ] Orders up.
- You sure know your models. - Not as complicated as you think.
[ Gasping, Laughing ]
You're easily amused.
- What happened? - You got yourself stung by that blowfish.
Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?
No. Luckily, I sucked the poison out just in time.
[ Gasps ]
- You-You saved my life. - Well-
- Okay, that needs to stop, man. - I'm sorry.
- How can I repay you? How? - Look. Look, it is over.
I don't owe you. You don't owe me. Even stephen, okay?
- Thank you. - I thought you said it barely grazed him.
- He passed out from fright. - Yeah, but he doesn't know that.
- But you actually sucked his finger? - Hey, I had to sell it. Okay?
Oh, of course you did.
Wanna suck my finger too?
Suck it.
Now we're moving at a good clip.
Starting to feel like a real restaurant again, guys.
Yeah. Except we may have to change the name to Binge and Purge.
- What are you talking about? - Come on.
- What? Where are we going? - It's a surprise.
Look, look, look. Come on. Come on.
See, the models aren't actually buying the food.
- They're trying it on and returning it. - [ Retching, Coughing ]
Nice, huh?
Yeah, I don't know. I just have this gift for picking a winner.
You know, I'm thinking about buying my own race horse, naming it Spumoni.
- Like the Italian prime minister. - You've traveled, haven't you?
- [ Giggles ] - Yes.
That was a perfect risotto, okay? This is the height of disrespect.
-[ Cheering ] -~~ [ Techno ]
- [ Cheering ] - [ Man ] Oh, yeah!
You go, bunny.
[ Cheering Continues ]
Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no.
- What the hell is that? - Oh, Party Bunny.
He's extremely hot right now. He follows the models around. He's hip and slightly ironic-
Oh, my God. I've done a terrible thing.
Watch all the moves. [ Chuckling ]
Oh, go on out there. Go. Go out. Go on out.
No one's gonna miss the food.
Are you aware there's a large rodent dancing through my dining room?
Yeah. That's my fault. All of this is my fault.
Oh, I see. So you actually think the robbery is your fault, huh?
All I'm saying is there's a limited amount of good luck in the world.
And, uh, I used up my share a long time ago.
Well, personally, I don't believe in luck.
It decreases the merit of a man.
Here, taste this.
That's the first dish you ever made for me.
- It's good. - Yes.
Your success is due to your hard work and your talent,Jack.
We make our own luck.
Thank you.
~~ [ Continues ]
[ All Gasping ]
If you're not here to eat, get out.
Go. Bye-bye. Go.
[ Murmuring ]
- If you're throwing up, get out. Or waiting to throw up. - [ Toilet Flushes ]
Ladies, no. Don't go.
What, are you worried about Party Bunny? His suit is padded. He's fine.
You realize that's not a real rabbit.
I can't believe a guy in a bunny suit gets more action than me.
So the hot models did not want to date a broke loser who makes eclairs?
- Shocking. - Yeah, I'm not broke. My horse came in.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna call the private line for high rollers only...
and collect my tens of thousands of American dollars.
- [ Woman ] Flair Cleaners. - Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- Three tables. - Yes.
But look how much they're enjoying it.
[Jack Narrating ] Your passion,your calling...
that's what makes life worth living.
Remember that and everything else will follow.
[ Ringing ]
Nolita.
That's right.Jack Bourdain did expel 50 patrons and punch out a bunny.
Party of eight tomorrow night?
Yes. We can take you.
[Jack Narrating ] New York is a very forgiving town.
If you're good at what you do, it finds a way to reward you.
Come on, guys. Let's step it up.
We got a city to feed, people. Let's go.
Oh, yes. My lucky chip.
- [ Chip Clatters ] - Whoa, whoa! Nobody move! Nobody move!
~~ [ Techno ]