- (RUMBLING) - (SHRIEKS)
(SIRENS WAIL)
MAN: We need some help here!
Cal, as you can see, it's chaos here.
Guys. Guys.
Hey. What are you doing looking at my boys naked?
I really love your... your little boys with their...
with their little bouncy balls.
(CHUCKLES) He's gonna have to quit.
Um, there might be a story coming out later on this afternoon
about me being a paedophile.
Can you get Frank onto that ASAP?
I married a worm.
Well, no, love, I don't really think you're being fair there.
Just fuck off back to Play School.
(BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!)
This summit is about securing safety for Australia, the region,
and the planet.
LINUS: The President is adamant that every part of this treaty
represent a stronger, even more aggressive posture.
WOMAN: Now, I dare say it's gonna be a little squeezy in here.
This place hasn't functioned as a Parliament for 35 years.
The President wants a war, preferably global.
You know that.
Tonight, we're going to party like it's 1999.
So can you just do me a favour?
Make some calls and organise something, you know?
What you're doing there, that doesn't look like such a good idea.
(LAUGHS HEARTILY)
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
(THUMP! THUMP!)
(ALARM BUZZES IN THE DISTANCE)
(BALL BOUNCES)
- (THUMP!) - (GROANS)
(ALARM CONTINUES BUZZING)
Oh, God. No, no, no.
(THUMP!)
Oh.
Alright. Dickheads.
Home time. Bye-bye now.
Linus!
Oh, shit.
(ALARM BUZZES LOUDLY)
(THUMP! CLANG! THUMP! CLANG!)
Oh, you little shits.
(THUMP! CLANG!)
(WHISTLES) Oi. Home time.
Fuckwit. Come on.
Oh.
Come on. Come on, love.
Home time now. Bye-bye now.
Bye-bye now.
Oh fuck.
(MUMBLES) My phone...
(PHONE RINGS)
- Senator. - Mate...
I, I've got a body here.
A body? Of a female nature?
Yes, yes.
And the US Defense Secretary seems to have shot through
and he's not... he's not all that well,
and he may or may not have the nuclear codes.
Is she with or without breath?
She's breathing but... but just.
She needs to go to hospital. I think she's ODed.
Relax. I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Make it five.
Can you please open the door?
Jet lag. Shocking flight from Reykjavik.
Ooh, God.
- So, which hospital? - No, no.
No hospital. The usual place.
There's a usual place?
Mate, where on God's green earth are we?
This girl needs... urgent attention, alright?
- (ON TELEVISION) Direct from... - (KNOCKS LOUDLY)
Alien TV brings you all the latest stories
from the newly discovered world, Planet Earth.
Rich, don't look.
Look away.
- What is it? - Oh, mate, who knows?
I mean... You know, there was...
There was coke there, there were a rainbow of pills.
It could be any bloody thing.
How many times do I say do not bring this trash, this filth,
this degradation into my home?
You think people don't talk, you think the neighbours don't see?
You think the children don't notice?
My mother is ripping her heart out.
Come in.
Again. Here I am.
- Some gentlemen are here. - Oh, good.
Are you happy now? Are you proud man?
My mother, she come to witness this.
More goys.
- (RETCHING) - You clean up this mess.
Thank God.
I need to know
where the United States Secretary of Defense currently is.
How would I know, mate? That's your job.
Christ. It's like Berlin all over again.
Oh, Jesus. Hasn't the poor girl had enough?
Ow. Fuck.
Come on, guys. What's with the C&W?
(MUSIC PLAYS)
- Senator Greene? Coming to there? - Uh...
Welcome.
Can one of the boys get you a drink?
We've got guava juice, freshly squeezed orange.
- Oh, fuck. - Or perhaps you prefer coffee.
MAN: (IN THE DISTANCE) Relax, man.
Big night, huh?
We're all feeling it a little.
Well, there you go.
Evelyn's brought you a coffee.
Evelyn?
My name's Carol. We weren't formally introduced last night.
Oh, you're Carol, really?
Carol can be either a male or a female name.
Yeah, not really, mate.
It's a kind of an American male name.
Like Evelyn or Marion.
Well, Marion's definitely a girl's name.
- It can be either. - John Wayne's real name was Marion.
What? John Wayne's real name was Marion Wayne.
Let's not get bogged down in this.
As a matter of urgency,
we need to know the whereabouts of Linus Potemkin.
And even you must know there's a rather important meeting today?
Yes. Yes, um...
Yeah, I mean I was talking to your mate...
- Beverley. - Oh, Beverley.
Again, more common in the States.
Senator Greene,
where is the Secretary?
I don't know, mate.
I mean, we were all there, you'd know as well as I would.
I mean, why don't you just... just track his phone or something?
We've just spent about $50 million
making sure no-one on the planet can track that phone.
Francis, can you kill the C&W?
So, his name's Francis?
As was Sinatra's.
Let's not make light of this very grave situation, Senator Greene.
Don't start on me, mate.
Your crack team of male impersonators here
was supposed to be protecting him, alright?
No-one is saying there haven't been security failures
- on both our ends. - Where's the door?
I mean, how did I physically get into this shithole?
And what happened to that girl last night?
Senator Greene, these are fragile times we find ourselves in.
The only fragility I'm sensing, Helen,
is that I'm a Senator in the Australian Federal Parliament, OK,
and I'm being held here without any explanation.
Now, there are people out there who love me,
who will be worried sick by now.
Where the fuck is my Secretary of Defense?
- You all have a lot to answer for. - How did he, where did he come...
- Where's the door? - We have an Athens situation, Tiger.
Goddammit. Sit.
- Where is he? - I don't know, mate.
I don't... How can I...
He might be a tad out of control.
He told me he had the nuclear codes,
and then he said that that was just a joke.
And then he took a couple of happy snaps of his stinkers bridge.
I mean, your boy might not be well.
Senator Greene, you're a forward-thinking kind of guy, right?
We have an issue here that we need to address forwardly.
Now, last night, you and our Secretary of Defense
made a connection with drug dealers and prostitutes.
If any of that were to get out, it would seriously...
As did Narelle here.
- I mean... - Shut up.
Secretary Potemkin is the key player in treaty negotiations
with various parties over hotly contested territories,
which if not resolved would lead us all into dire consequences.
Jesus H Christ.
And we're sure he's headed to the Italian Ambassador?
Yes. And Barlow, Judders and Mannheim.
He copied them in accidentally.
Sir, we meant to send the pictures to...
What pictures?
Our Athens situation's turned into Belgrade.
Oh, fuck.
Barlow, Judders and Mannheim have been sexted photos of his dick.
(LAUGHS)
This could bring down the whole administration.
Ah, well, look,
I'm sure your women's collective here can sort that one out.
Sadly, when great men take photos of the genitalia,
it always gets out.
So for us, this really becomes a question of attribution.
- What do you mean attribu... - Hey, what's with the...?
- Thank you for your cooperation. - What cooperation?
Boys. Come on.
Oh, God.
Oh.
MAN: So these transvestite, music-loving CIA operatives...
They weren't transvestites.
And they may not have been CIA.
Sure. They drugged you, left you in a shopping mall...
Yes, yes. Yes.
We might have even believed you if it wasn't for this item.
Well, that's not me.
Oh, you're saying that's not your head.
That's not my penis.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I, I mean they've photoshopped my face. You can see that.
I didn't realise the man was so ill-equipped for the job.
I mean, why would you take a photo of that?
- We were wondering the same thing. - Yeah.
It's not me. OK? That is not...
Look, it's very important, no, it's vital,
that this photo never see the light of day.
It's fabricated, alright?
You've got to give me time to sort this shit out.
I'm a senator, something like this could destroy me.
Wonderful news.
My brother's just been arrested again.
They're not charging him
but the idiot sexted some diplomats in America
using the Secretary of Defense's phone.
His photo's all over the web.
No, no, no. What you've got in your hand is a small plate.
It belongs with all the other small plates.
How many times, Cal?
Wouldn't the time spent sorting them now
be the same as the time spent sorting them when they're dry?
I am trying so effing hard to make this relationship work.
Yes.
We're meant to be living in your fabulous harbour view apartment
on your multimillion-dollar salary.
But, no, instead, you decide
to lodge another appeal against your brother
and we're living in this dump.
This is far from a dump, Pumpkin.
And my father promised me that painting.
It's a piece of shit painting with three cows eating grass.
And you've spent 10 million bucks in legals
on something you could find in a garage sale.
Tomorrow, you bury my brother.
You go on air and you publicly disembowel him.
You remove every vital organ and you squeeze them until they squelch.
Yes, my sweet.
What are you doing?
Do we know yet the type of gas that was used by the terrorists?
No, the exact chemical breakdown of the noxious gas is still unknown,
our focus at present is to contain whatever evil
is locked inside New Parliament House
and stop it leaking into the water table.
I will now invite the Minister for Homeland Security, Gareth Morrow,
to outline our new, increased security arrangements.
- Minister? - Thank you, Prime Minister.
- And may I... - MAN: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Kids coming through. Excuse me. Sorry.
Just a school group of young aspiring Australians
yearning to learn how democracy works.
It's all paid for months in advance.
Right, kids.
This is the Prime Minister and the Minister for Homeland Security,
obviously talking about keeping us safe.
Now, today the government announces a higher terrorist warning level.
At this point in time, the levels range from unlikely to possible,
to probable to certain,
and as from today,
this new category being extremely certain.
Boys.
- You found the idiot yet? - No, we have not.
Jesus. Johnny's delegation's already left the airport.
(CHUCKLES)
This is going to be just like Montreal.
Search every gay brothel and bar.
He's clearly in an Auckland mood.
It may even be Budapest.
He's a Green Beret after all.
Sorry, of course, Mr President.
It's just, at this point in time,
we currently don't know his precise location,
but we are still in furious negotiations over the treaty,
the treaty we are signing with you.
(MAN SHOUTS ON OTHER END OF PHONE)
Sure, yeah.
We will find him, rest assured.
(CONTINUES SHOUTING)
Somebody find that drug-sodden arsehole
before he sinks the entire alliance!
(MAN CONTINUES SHOUTING)
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr President, I thought you'd hung up.
It's bullshit. It's all bullshit.
Yeah. Drugs, hookers a wild party.
No, no, not that bit. The sexting. Doesn't sound like you at all.
That is not my Arthur Phillips on display there.
Privately, in certain circles,
I used to be known as 'The Plough'.
- Oh, yuck! Cleaver. - Fact.
I'm just telling you.
That's... I, I was kidnapped, alright,
by Americans who wanted to...
They were a bunch of like, Beverley, Joyce, Mary, Julia...
- Oh, an Amazon tribe. - No. Guys, guys!
- They're not guys' names. - Well, that's America for you.
That's the way... They're called ladies, they're,
John Wayne was born a lady, lady.
They, they, fucking kidnapped me, they drugged me.
Oh, that'd be hard.
I, I, count on this job, Cleaver,
I count on this income, so...
Do not screw this for me, OK?
You go to Parliament, you apologise,
and then you say nothing for the rest of your unnatural life.
That is not my Able Seaman.
Did the Americans go anywhere near your phone?
Why?
Maybe don't say too much in your phone conversations.
(SOFTLY) You think they're listening?
Am I in danger?
Define "danger".
(PHONE RINGS)
- Cleaver's on, Frank. - Cleave, mate.
There's a mob of press waiting to tear you apart out there.
I think you should let me do the talking, boss.
Yes, yes, you do the talking.
No, OK, Frank, what, what... Just... What...
Run it by us, first, please.
I think we should just play a straight bat here.
Yeah, yeah, straight bat, good. Good.
Well, what would a straight bat say to the press?
That Senator Greene was pissed and he taken a few happy pills,
which he now regrets.
He's clearly embarrassed by how little the thing is
which caused the drinking and drug taking in the first place.
And, ah, he hopes the public will understand and forgive him.
- No, mate, that's a bad idea. - Are you kidding me, Frank?
Look, Cleave, there's a book in this.
A lot of blokes out there, a bit light on the God box themselves
want to know there's a kindred spirit in Parliament
to represent them.
Some days are better than others.
Go... now!
Will do.
You, you still pleased
that you made a man who played for Balmain 40 years ago
and whose brother you owe money to your press secretary?
- Oh, look at this goat fuck. - Oh, shit.
I mean, fuck.
OK. Flank me. Flank me.
- There's only one of me, Cleaver. - Walk in front.
How can I flank you?
So, are you going to resign, Senator Greene?
Have your actions damaged the Australia-US Alliance?
Senator. Senator!
Look, guys, I would like to make a statement, alright?
I, I... look forward very much to clearing my name
when all the facts emerge.
Your photo is everywhere, bit late to clear your name, isn't it?
Senator!
I would ask the press to please respect my privacy
at this difficult time.
Why, it's not as if someone close to you died.
You stole the US Defense Secretary's phone,
you took a snap of your penis,
and you sexted it to the Italian Ambassador and others.
- Who told you that? - The Americans.
It's not mine. It's not mine.
- I was drugged. - OK.
- Senator. - So you admit to taking drugs?
- Cleaver! - Fuck.
You are a real...
You know, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Shame, shame on you.
(PHONE RINGS)
It's the Secret Service.
Can you just, can't...?
Gimme your phone, I'm gonna twitter a denial.
No, you don't. and it's "tweet". "Tweet".
- I have to clear my name. - Well, you can't.
And for God's sake, you do not tell Frank about social media.
I will keep doing your tweeting till you find a replacement.
I do my own tweeting. Not anymore you don't.
Well, what've you got me saying.
Ah, "Thursday walked in Namadgi National Park to clear my head."
Never been near the place.
You've never cleared your head either.
"Saturday, caught up with old friends.
"How good it is to have old friends."
You make me sound like a fucking desk calendar.
Yes. Much better to tweet,
"That is another man's penis with my head on it."
(PHONE RINGS)
Huh?
Is the chipolata kid in his office?
Yes, he is.
You having a rough time of it, Cleaver?
I've had better weeks, mate.
I don't know how to stop this. No, you can't.
You know, in the good old days,
when someone did a rice paper drawing of their cods
and sent it out via carrier pigeon, well, it wasn't a problem.
But today, now, it's all out there in a nanosecond.
Fortunately for you...
Well, the headlines are mainly about the terrorist attack.
(SOFTLY) Not my penis.
My head.
Not my penis.
I don't care.
It's a private matter.
- I was kidnapped. I was drugged. - Really?
Are you sure? Who by?
America.
Not all of it. Some ladies' name guys.
Gene, Renee, Carol.
Wow.
- Dangerous. - Mmm.
- Am I safe? - Safe-ish.
Three diplomats just died in a car accident in DC.
What? Who?
Oh...
Barrow, Judders, Mannheim.
- Never heard of them myself. - Oh, mate.
He sent them the photo.
Do you know where Potemkin is?
The treaty meeting was meant to start an hour ago.
I know you think I'm the enemy in this place, but I'm not.
You and I have much in common.
What, mate, apart from both hating your brother?
- Cal's my half-brother. - Oh...
And, mate,
I hate people probably in my own party more than I hate you.
OK.
You did threaten to oppose me
on the amendments to the Trade Practices Act.
Mate, you're letting big supermarket monopolies wipe out farmers.
It's a no-brainer.
But just because you oppose it doesn't mean that I hate you, mate.
In fact, if anything, well, I respect you for your stance.
Mate, you're not going to sway me.
Cleaver, I wouldn't try.
I know you to be a man of principle.
But, mate, I think you need to disappear out of harm's way.
You need to maintain a very low profile.
Look, how about tomorrow I get you on to some out-of-the-way committee,
you know, while Parliament's in recess.
How about the Agricultural Tariff and Subsidy Abrogation Committee?
No.
I mean, for starters, there were three words in that sentence
I didn't understand.
Well, yeah, you probably wouldn't want to be on it anyway.
Potter's the vice-chair.
Oh, Jesus, mate.
OK. What about Primary Produce Subcommittee, eh?
Now, it's very low-profile, and there's lots of travel.
You'd be out of the public eye.
Wouldn't be a camera in sight, my son.
- Lots of travel? - Heaps of travel.
For the perfect milker, you need part-Jersey,
part-Holstein,
and, uh...
Fascinating stuff.
You like to guess the other part?
Oh, well, you know, I...
Three parts, gosh.
I mean, I'd really be guessing.
Limousin.
And my guess would have been right.
- And you know why we... - Abel, could I just hold...
You keep entertaining the troops,
I just need to have a quick word with my chief of staff.
Thank you, Abel.
What the never-ending fuck are we doing here?
Oh, you're asking me? You chose the milk subcommittee.
OK, yes, because Joe McGregor told me that it involved travel.
I didn't think it'd be a light plane out to shit sticks looking at cows.
Where did you think milk came from, Cleaver?
The supermarket.
Why do I listen to you? You right?
You don't.
If the Government passes this new Consumer Trade Practices bullshit,
supermarkets will have more power than ever over farmers.
Senator Greene strongly opposes it,
and his vote will guarantee it doesn't get through.
Does that thing look at everybody like that?
Oh, it'll be great to be in Sydney for a couple of days.
- What? - Huh?
Great to be in Sydney for a couple of days.
- Yeah. - I can crash at yours, can't I?
- No, you can't. No. - No?
Really, Cleaver.
You said that last time was the last time,
and you said that you'd either get Wendy to let you stay,
or that you'd get a place of your own.
What, you believed me on either count?
Jesus, it's like we've never met.
- What's up? - Nothing.
- Huh? - Nothing is up.
I just get a bit, I get a bit choked up on planes, is all.
- Do you? - What?
Do you cry sometimes?
- On planes? - Yes.
- No. Never. - Right.
I don't know why I...
- What? - I said I don't know why I do.
Maybe it's 'cause we're so high up, and...
and our problems are so far below, and...
I don't know, from up here, you just... You just...
You just see how small and irrelevant you actually are.
Elephant what?
I feel irrelevant up here, and I...
I don't know, I wonder whether all my problems with Barney and Bevan,
- whether... - You'll find love again.
You will.
I know a couple of guys
who'd be quite happy to go on a date with you.
And I can tell you this,
they wouldn't dump you at the altar
or run-off to Sicily with a Monica Bellucci look-alike.
Yes, you might be a bit long in the tooth to have more kids.
(SOBS) Oh, God.
You ever thought about buying a cat?
(CRIES)
Oh, God.
You're a very difficult person to comfort, you know that?
...those of us who have known Senator Greene these many years,
this was a train wreck that was always going to happen.
His sad, infantile behaviour was always going to erupt.
Now, what damage has this done to our standing with the US?
Notify me if anyone mentions the 293(B) amendment.
What?
You know, the Consumer Protection and Trade Practices,
whatever the fuck it's now called. Just let me know.
...he step down from this high public office.
Joe.
Is it true you've offered Cleaver Greene
a place on the ATSAC committee?
I would never do that. I know how you feel about Greene.
Right.
'Cause you know I'd have to resign
my vice-chairmanship of the committee if you have.
David, I know we sit on opposite sides of the House,
but I'm not your enemy, mate.
Even though you were the arsehole
who opposed me on the Trade Practices Bill.
Don't get me started on that.
They are killing small traders, fixing prices.
If you relax the laws governing them, God help small businesspeople.
Look, I put Cleaver on Primary Produce to keep him out of the way.
The milk committee?
What kind of sane person would want to sit on the milk committee?
Listen, when are you back from Paris? Let's do a lunch.
Wednesday fortnight.
I miss the Tuesday sitting, but I'll be back for the real stuff.
Listen, mate, you have a great trip, OK?
I'll be really interested to see that report when you return.
- Thanks, Joe. - Alright.
Norm.
We need to bring forward the Trade Practice amendment vote.
To Tuesday, mate.
We throw to the image of Greene.
We've, uh... blocked out his schlong with some silly hearts, very funny.
OK, now in your hands, so this is it,
death knell to Cleaver Greene.
- Yes. - This is the man who put you away.
You've got him exactly where you want him.
- Release the dogs of war. - Dogs of war.
In five, four, three...
Cleaver Greene, Oh, Cleaver Greene.
What the hell were you thinking?
Photographing your manhood, then texting it to a high-level diplomat?
I mean, what act of utter insanity
drives a man to this sort of behaviour?
What leads a man to reduce himself to this point of humiliation?
Well, he must be suffering.
Wondering why his life turned out so terribly wrong.
I mean, we all make terrible mistakes
that we have to live with daily.
It... it might hit us stacking the dishwasher,
or closing the refrigerator door too loudly...
not folding washing in a way that reduces ironing.
Was there some incident that possibly sparked his behaviour...
a deeper cause, buried somewhere in his past...
maybe even his family?
Perhaps he felt persecuted by a particular family member.
I'm home, Pumpkin.
Can't have you cooking in the dark, love.
Leave it.
I have a migraine.
- I'll get your tablets. - Don't.
I'm sorry, love. They...
They made me say that stuff about your brother.
I tore strips off 'em afterwards.
Yeah, I understand.
It was legals, you know?
God, you should have seen how angry I got, with all of them.
I lined them up and I sacked them.
- Not eating, yourself, love? - Migraine.
Yes.
- What is it? - Soup.
Ooh, smells intriguing.
You mind if I turn the light on, just so I...
- Do not. - Yep, that's fine as it is.
Hi, I'm Maryanne.
- No! No! - (CHILD SHRIEKS)
(SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY)
What are you doing?
Mar... Maryanne was here.
You cannot stay here again.
_
The US delegation hasn't arrived as yet,
but we can still have some useful discussions today.
(TRANSLATES)
- (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - Hmm?
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
No, thank you.
Fair enough.
Wait for my signal.
OK, this is more like it. Tiger.
Seal the premises. Cover the back exit.
Gabriel, Hillary, take those persons outside.
Gentlemen, please vacate the premises.
- Cover the exits. - Routine health inspection.
Could you please vacate the premises immediately?
- Looks like he's moved on. - Goddammit.
Let's focus on this suburb.
Someone tell me Pine Gap is online now.
- Roger, got that. - Thank you.
Hello, darling.
Oh, just at the embassy.
Busy, busy, busy.
Mm-hm.
Yes, well, talks start soon.
Please don't talk about him over the phone.
Yes, I know he's a dick.
My... Yes.
Alright, my love. I'm going to go to sleep.
Give my love to the kids.
My love to you, too.
Oh...
Why come here if you want to maintain a low profile?
Well, nobody expects politicians to be in their actual electoral office.
I need some thinking time, alright?
Till I can prove that little piece of gristle is not mine,
there's no way I can establish my innocence.
Well, you'd have to go back to the point of conception to achieve that.
Hey, darling. What you doing?
Why are small children
dancing with a mad Polish woman
in my electoral office?
When I agreed to this job,
you said that I could bring Iain to work, so...
Yeah, well, Iain appears to have cloned himself,
'cause I'm counting about 14 Iains, and some of 'em in dresses.
Well, Mum just invited a few of his little friends over, didn't she?
- Oh! - And, you know, she loves kids, so...
Oh, well, I suppose she needs company of her own mental age.
It's important that Iain is around children his own age.
What's important is that I have my electoral office to my...
- Get 'em out of here! - Says Mr BuzzStay.
Oh, don't... That's a whole other...
Who's that?
- It's in your diary. - I have a diary?
It's Gene Gibson.
Gene, where's he from?
I don't know. America, I think.
- Oh, God! - He's with that...
I know, I know who he's with.
OK.
Oh, God. OK. OK.
Get out.
- Senator Greene. - Yeah.
Gene Gibson.
I suspect you know who I am and why I'm here.
Look, you have my support.
I was given an understanding
there may be some serious issues between us going forward.
I haven't mentioned his name...
or the fact that it isn't my penis.
Your penis?
And I never will.
OK, so we're good?
We can count on your support?
Totally, totally, in everything I say or do, or...
- Everything. - Thank you.
My people will be very happy to hear of your change of heart.
Good.
Oh, God.
- You made short shrift of him. - Oh...
I hope you told him where to get off.
Secret Service, they're stalking me.
It's just that they pay these Yank consultants a fortune
to screw over our farmers.
It makes me sick.
Our farmers?
Because Gene is a consultant for...
Oh, I don't know. I don't remember which big supermarket,
it's in your diary somewhere.
But, I mean, they're all the same.
I have to get the fuck out of here.
This guy's been following us since we left.
- Go down this one. - See if we can lose him.
Into the laneway? Are you sure?
Yes, yes. Go, go.
Yeah, do it. Fuck.
If you wish.
Great. I think you've lost him. We can reverse back out.
I'd be reversing into oncoming traffic, it's peak hour.
What? Well, we don't have to wait here, do we?
- Well... - Well, for how long?
I don't know. Until the end of peak hour.
Oh, God. Well, mate, you should have said something.
I was born under Russian rule.
We are used to obeying orders blindly.
_
(PHONE RINGS) _
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
May I ask you, if you wanted to disappear,
why did you choose the milk committee
instead of the Agricultural Tariff and Subsidy Abrogation Committee?
How do you know what committees I was offered?
The drivers network, we hear things.
Why would I want to be on a committee that I can't even pronounce?
Because currently they are on a fact-finding mission
touring the wine and cheese regions of Italy and France,
led by Senator David Potter.
Seriously?
- What was that? - Oh...
- He needed a light. - What do you mean he needed a light?
How did you know he needed a light from inside the car?
He's Polish.
_
He gave you an envelope. What... what was that?
(MUMBLES)
- What? - I don't know the word in English.
- Ah, I think we are good to go. - Thank Christ for that.
Oh.
Mate. I know, I know someone who can prove it wasn't mine.
When we get to the freeway,
I'll get you to chuck a U-ey and go back the other way.
WOMAN: Then I suspected he was seeing someone on the side.
He was. Chapter five.
But he kept denying it,
but I knew all his Wednesday afternoon, in-house,
closed-door work meetings sounded like bullshit.
For me it was Thursday afternoons.
And so I went to his office on a Wednesday afternoon,
and I said, "Excuse me, I'm so sorry to interrupt the meeting."
- Mm-hm. - "But I wonder
if I could have a word with Jason."
- And do you know what they said? - "He's not here,
"because Wednesday afternoons are his family time,
"his unbreakable commitment to his wife and child."
His exact fucking words.
- How did you know? - Same chapter, three pages on.
Beth, believe me, I know all this because I'm a survivor.
- You slept with him, didn't you? - Yes.
No, and now he's moved back in,
and he's lying on the couch in his underwear watching League,
and he's telling you he's catching up with a friend on Monday night?
- I still love him. - No you don't, Beth.
You love an illusion.
(KNOCKS INSISTENTLY)
Ah.
- Hi. - Hi.
(GASPS) Have you come to see Winnie?
Yes, Winnie and Wendy.
I forget the precise page, but anyway, it's all in here.
And the first thing I'm going to tell you is,
you are going to get through this,
and I know that because I got through it.
Uh... I've got to see her urgently.
Oh, I don't think she'll want to see you.
- It's life-and-death stuff. - Well, she's with a client.
I was going to marry him and move to Sardinia
and open an English-language bookshop.
What? Seriously?
Stage 23, that's the level of madness that you reach,
until finally, in my case, I said,
"No, enough, get the fuck out of my house."
(WHISPERS) What's he doing?
- Is he American? - No.
- OK, good. - No, that's Gabe.
Hi.
He's installing the intercom
and security cameras throughout the house.
- Why? - For your granddaughter.
So I can monitor her at all times.
Yesterday, I'm sure she was trying to say "mummy".
Well, maybe she was trying to say, "This is a bit mental, Mummy."
How long's she going to be in there?
That was over a year ago.
I have been clean ever since.
And every morning, I wake up happy and joyous and free,
and you will too.
Thank you, Wendy!
Thank you.
- (MUSIC STARTS LOUDLY) - Sorry!
Anyway, Beth, it's not... It's not real love, alright?
Yep.
And with lots of therapy, you'll come to realise
that what you thought was love is actually your addiction to pain.
- Yes. - Alright?
Anyway, we're at the end of our session, so...
Oh, yes. OK.
Thank you.
- Isn't that your ex-husband? - No, definitely not.
He looked a lot like your son.
No, he doesn't look anything like my son.
Can you excuse me for one second?
- That's fucked. - OK.
- You're an idiot. - (MUSIC STOPS)
- Thank you. - Wendy...
No, don't ask.
- So I'll see you next week. - Thank you so much.
- Fantastic. Alright. Bye-bye! - Thank you, Wendy.
I just want to... No? OK.
You stay right there.
How dare you. I was in a...
Um, Gabe, can you... Thank you. That's fine.
- We don't... - Yep.
Our lives as we know them are at an end.
Yes, no, I agree. Our lives as we know them are at an end,
never to be revived.
- I need you to do something from me. - No.
I need you to publicly verify
- that that is not my penis. - Oh, Jesus.
Take it away! Ohhh...
- I'm being framed. - Right.
I am being stalked by America.
- OK, that phone is bugged. - Mm-hm, yeah.
The only way I can stop this
is if somebody who was intimate with me
will publicly declare that that is not me.
OK.
Do you need me to arrange for you to go to a facility
- where they can take care of you... - Oh, come on, look at it!
Look at it! Study it.
Honestly, I don't remember. It was so long ago.
What do you mean you don't remember? We were married 15 years.
We were married for eight years, I don't count the last four,
and it wasn't something I spent a lot of time looking at,
to be honest.
You used to call me The Plough.
I have never called you The Plough.
I have zero memory of calling you...
Maybe you called yourself The Plough.
- I called you El Fucko. - Oh, come on.
You must remember something.
I remember being very worried I was going to catch something from it.
Missy...
Yes. Actually...
You used to sleep with Cleaver quite a lot
before you had a baby with my son.
Do you remember The Plough?
- Ah... - Oh, my gosh.
- Huh? - What's going on?
Well, it's not me, is it?
- That's not me. - I don't know!
I mean, I saw a lot of them in the bad old days.
What do you mean you don't know?
Well, you only really remember the very big ones.
- You do remember those. - Oh, come on, you two.
Just study it.
Look at it.
How could you even think...
No, no, no, actually, I feel like his had a bend in it, didn't it,
from memory?
Well, it was more of a kink, really, wasn't it?
Yes. And the vein?!
Yes, he had a big blue vein.
Yep, OK, yep, it's all coming back to me.
- I don't think this is it. - No, you're right. It's not yours.
You have been framed. You happy?
OK. Yes.
Great. Good.
Thank you.
I'd anticipated being a little more cheerful at the news
that somebody believed me, but, yes, thank you.
Thank you for that. And now I need you both to publicly declare...
- Definitely not. - On the record...
- Absolutely not. - That is not me!
- What is wrong?! - No. No way.
My life is hanging by a thread.
Oh, Cleaver, of all of the issues that this country is facing,
you've been in Parliament for, what, 18 months,
and the only thing that you give a shit about is your pathetic...
veined, kinked willy.
And you... I did not want a security camera in the bathroom, alright?
Get rid of it. In fact, get rid of them all.
- No, it is gaga. - Gabe, don't listen to her.
- Don't listen to her! - (PHONE RINGS)
Linus... Mate, where are you?
Yes, I can get there.
I'm a senator, mate. I can get a plane.
Carol, there's movement.
Yeah, I've got him. Cleaver's on the move.
Flight 465 to Canberra.
LINUS: It's time for me to go home, Cleave.
Home.
To.. wife and kids and President.
Yes, well...
that is how the cards fall, Cleave.
That is my lot in life.
You know, I used to think that there was a rock bottom.
And then I realised there is no rock bottom.
It's just one giant abyss that keeps going down and down.
Last week he wanted to nuke Switzerland
because his watch wouldn't work.
I'm sure the Romans with Caligula as their leader
thought, "This is rock bottom, but it will improve."
Then boom!
1,000 years in the Dark Ages.
(DOOR OPENS)
- Alright. - Good to see you, gentlemen.
- Mr Secretary... - Mm-hm?
- Your country needs you. - Mmm.
Thank you.
Cleave...
there is no rock bottom.
JOE: This is not good, mate.
I've seen the toughest pollies crack
under the sort of strain you're under.
(GROANS) Where am I now?
Does it matter?
Professionally, well, you're not at a high point.
I have two witnesses who will testify that is not my penis.
- I know it isn't yours. - You know it's not?
How do you know it's not mine?
Because I've seen the real thing.
- What? - It came across my desk yesterday.
Oh, no. Oh, see, that's not...
That's... They're balls.
They wake me up in the morning with the basketballs.
Fortunately, Mr Wang is a dear friend of mine,
and I've told him it was a complete misunderstanding
and he's agreed to put a hold on taking it further.
Mate... Oh, mate.
Thank you so much.
I could take 80% of all this away from you.
- The Americans, paedophilia... - It's not paedophilia.
But if I'm going to do this for you, mate, I've got to know something.
Are you friend...
or foe?
SPEAKER: Lock the doors.
Those in favour of the proposed amendment
to section 293(B) of the Competition and Consumer Act,
the ayes to my right, the noes to the left.
Have you found a side that suits you yet, Senator Greene?
No.
LINUS: Contrary to the fake news
that's been circulating as to my condition,
I came down with a severe head cold and was ordered to rest.
And now that I have recovered, I am headed to...
China.
...meet my Chinese counterpart, Li Hyon.
These are times
where sound judgement and goodwill between men are needed.
But I leave here today
with the belief
that we, as a people, are destined for a better world.
The lunatic is on a plane now and out of here.
We have no treaty
and the Chinese are talking about severing trade ties,
but we are not at war.
On the good news front,
the public are responding to your leadership on security
and figures are on the rise.
- GARETH: Excuse me, Prime Minister. - Give me 15.
No, now. Someone you need to meet.
You lot, move yourselves. Come on, piss off.
Come on in here, Jake.
Come on.
Prime Minister, this is Jake. Jake, this is our country's leader.
- G'day. Lovely to meet you. - What is this about?
Well, Jake is with our maintenance folk at New Parliament House.
Go on, mate. You tell her. You'll be right.
It's a bit embarrassing, actually.
Gordy... he's my brother,
so I'm not blaming him when I tell you this.
This was an accident.
But the sluice valve that connects to the floor flange on the S pipe,
that takes the sewage out, it was left open,
and one of the elbow joints had corroded.
Now, why they didn't use a plastic elbow joint...
What the hell is he talking about? Just stay with him.
Anyway... It kind of...
ruptured and blew out into the storeroom
where we keep the cleaning products
and they spilt and kind of must have mixed together,
and wouldn't you know it,
Bruno was having a quiet fag and it kind of exploded.
I don't understand.
Not terrorists, Angela.
Turds...
and cleaning fluids in a lethal combination.
Ah, yeah, definitely not terrorists.
This was just an accident.
And the good news is we should be up and operational
by the end of the week.
Not a terrorist attack, you say?
No. No worries on that front.
Oh, you think no worries, do you?
You fuckin' moron!
After Gareth and I introduce a Level 7 security alert,
calling in the Army and doing hourly press announcements
telling the public their lives hang in the balance.
No... just a sluice valve and buckets of shit and bleach.
Gareth, I wonder if you could take...
- Jake. - Jake...
to the windowless office at the rear.
Whoa.
Oh, and Gareth, no-one is to go in or out of the room
until further notice.
Come on, mate.
You'll be sweet.
Joe...
Fuck!
I'm really learning to hate you.
I think that you look really lovely as a zebra.
I have a practice back in Sydney, Virginia...
I need you, Wendy.
I can't accommodate seven people here.
There are two beds here, alright, and one of them is mine.
- I'm here to help. - I'm sure you are, mate.
You see, Cleaver,
I'm this nation's Trump.
I am a tycoon...
yes, and I'm tiny.
Look! I'm a tiny tycoon!
Why do we put up with this from these morons?