- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --
♪
Okay. Bill is paid, we ready to go?
Jermaine is still in the bathroom.
Is he bound up? I can give him my coffee.
We need to speed this process up.
No, I don't think we should have the kids chugging coffee.
Yeah, Dad, caffeine's scary stuff.
A few weeks ago, you were pounding acid-laced candy.
Are you worried about a mochaccino?
Mom told me some of what she saw at the rehab place,
it's pretty messed up. It's like the dark side of the Force.
So I'm trying to wean myself clean.
Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, me, too, me, too.
But you know what? I don't want you to crash
while we're in the recording studio,
so maybe a little bit of coffee is a good idea.
- I don't want it to stunt my growth. - That's crazy.
I drank coffee all the time when I was a kid.
Jermaine! Jermaine, we got to go.
JERMAINE: I'm dying in here.
Anyone else have a problem with us
all being ordered when to take a crap?
- It is a bit of a pressure. - Yeah. I agree with you guys.
[ALL ARGUING]
- Why don't we just get a bucket? - Hey, hey, hey!
Why did we come to St. Paul?
Because of your bullshit jingle thing.
But we better be here to finally meet Robert Kushman
because you said he lives here.
- I said that. - Yeah, sweetie.
- You did say that. - I know that.
And that's why I will give him a buzz
and tell him we're in town.
- But he's probably on a road trip. - [SCOFFS]
And as for my "little jingle thing,"
we are here to work with Gary Vestimonte,
the Jingle Giant!
Do people actually call him that?
It's what your father calls him.
- He writes jingles? - No, he produces jingles, hmm?
Daddy thinks Daddy writes jingles.
In fact, Daddy thinks Daddy writes jingles
way better than, say, Mommy.
Even for things he has no experience with,
like female contraceptive products called OvaRing.
What's OvaRing again?
It's a ring you stick up your hootch
- so you can't get pregnant. - S... Come on.
You think your jingle's better than Mom's?
You don't even have a hootch.
- Bingo! - Look...
we're only in the studio for two hours,
so why don't we do this? Why don't we record my jingle,
and then if we have time, we'll record yours, too?
- Does that sound fair? - Yeah.
About as fair as you not wearing a condom,
so I have to shove something up my hootch
to not get pregnant.
All right, now, when we're in the studio,
the meter is running, running all the time.
So no bathroom breaks. Hence, Jermaine, we got to go.
JERMAINE: My stomach is turning.
Oh, baby.
Oh, my God. This is so humiliating!
Oh!
Okay, why don't you let me and the kids
go ahead and start setting up?
Honey, with all respect, I think Gary is expecting me.
Yeah, I know the Jingle Giant awaits,
but I think the jingle minions can handle
setting up a few music stands.
[SIGHS]
Jermaine, what's the sitch?
JERMAINE: You might want to get another coffee.
I'll be here for a while.
One's short and sweet, and we were hoping
maybe we could record both of them.
Well, let's see how it goes.
But it's best to prioritize these things.
And I think that...
I can't believe we're back in the studio!
I love the studio!
- [LAUGHS] - Where's Jermaine, honey?
Oh, he's in the rest room down the hall.
We had to make a stop between here and the coffee shop.
It's like he's dropping bread crumbs.
You must be Gary. We spoke on the phone.
Ken Swallow. I'm so excited to meet you.
So your wife's been explaining to me that...
Whoo! You got quite the little set-up here.
Gar, look at this.
D.I. boxes, digital audio workstation.
[GASPS] Headphones!
Ken, Gary said that maybe we should just...
Whoo! Look at that, you even got the MX-90, huh?
- No. - What?
Really, that's not the MX-90?
Oh, well, that's what all the best guys are using, Gar.
Yeah, in 1992.
Listen, I've been talking to your wife,
and I understand that you're undecided
about where to focus your efforts today.
I've been producing jingles here for over 25 years,
so I've got a pretty good instinct about these things.
That's why we're here, Gary.
Yeah. Work with the Jingle Giant.
- Who's that? - Gar... you're the giant.
That is what I call the man who's produced
over two Clio Award-winning jingles.
Your expertise means everything.
Well, in my opinion, you should go with Meg's jingle.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Wrong.
Oh, man.
Somebody left a spliff on top of this amp.
You threw away weed?
You don't throw away weed, you smoke weed,
you sell weed, you give weed to your sister.
God, what are you thinking?
My thinking is so fucked without weed.
JERMAINE: Oh, man. Oh.
Jermaine, are you okay?
You look like you lost five pounds.
Do you have dysentery?
I'm just... I'm just a nervous wreck.
You know, I... I... I couldn't decide
whether to tell you or not, but...
I got an e-mail last night.
I got accepted into St. Ivin's Boarding School.
You applied? After everything we said?
I-I didn't know I'd get in.
They're offering me a full scholarship and...
I only have a week to decide.
I... I can't take the pressure.
Well, if I got an e-mail that made my stomach turn to mush,
I'd delete it...
and not stab my family in the back.
They've done so much for you.
Invested so much in your future.
In your happiness, in your success!
So you're neutral?
So you seriously think
that as a woman and a mother
that I am less suited to write a jingle
about a reproductive device for women than you?
That is so sexist.
I think she makes a good point.
[SCOFFS]
You won a couple of awards... good for you.
But at the end of the day,
it's a piece of brass with your name on it.
Let's not get carried away.
Okay, look, you each recorded a little guide demo.
How about we listen to them on my system one at a time,
and we assess?
Yeah, fine, fine. You know what?
- Play hers first. - Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. - All right, here we go.
MEG: ♪ When the moment makes sense ♪
♪ You'll have confidence ♪
And the box!
That's it? That's the jingle?
Yes, it is simple, clear, and elegant.
No idea what the product is or does,
there's no tone, there's no character.
You don't even use the name.
Honey, these are the fundamentals.
I mean, I don't want to insult you.
Clearly.
I think we're all familiar
with the name Barry Manilow...
Recording artist, Grammy-award winner.
He writes the songs
that make the whole world sing.
And do you know where he learned his craft?
- Jingles. - Jingles.
Award-winning jingles.
The likes of which inspired this.
KEN: ♪ For the girl on the go ♪
♪ It's heaven to know ♪
♪ That you can do anything ♪
♪ Put it in, then put out ♪
♪ There's never a doubt ♪
♪ When you've got... ♪
- Box. - ♪ ..."OvaRing" ♪
- Is it even a discussion? - "Put it in, then put out"?
It's essentially the directions on the box.
- Am I right, Giant? - You know what?
This is between the two of you.
Nothing to do with me. Uh, the clock's ticking.
You got a little less than two hours.
Yeah, honey, please, let's get going, all right?
Now, Meg, you are the expert
at knowing how to set the levels we like.
I'm gonna make sure the kids are ready.
Here we go! Here we go!
- Here we go! - Here we go.
Okay, everybody ready to...
Why aren't you guys setting up?
We don't want to do this. It's just selling out.
I thought we were trying to be artists.
Even artists need benefactors.
Yeah, like, Michelangelo had the Medici.
- Exactly. - What?
That must be the kind of knowledge
that every elitist school thinks is so impressive.
[SIGHS]
How much are we actually getting paid on this?
- A lot! - A lot isn't a number.
Well, the back-end potential on this thing is enormous.
Back end?
Yeah, did you ever hear of a little thing
called mailbox money?
We could be raking it in for years.
- How much up front? - [STAMMERS]
Ria, what... what would you rather have,
something now and nothing later or...
now and potentially tons later?
So we're getting nothing up front.
I didn't say that.
That's it, I am talking to Robert Kushman right now.
Hey, you know what? We've been playing phone tag all day.
Give me his number, I'll call.
I don't want you harassing Robert Kushman.
Fine, if you won't give me his number,
then I'll just look up his address.
Big management office, I'm sure it's listed here.
Well, it's actually specifically not listed
because he doesn't want every hack
and wannabe in the music industry
tying up his phone lines and his in-box.
You know what I think? I think Kushman
is just about as real as Santa Claus!
It is weird that no one's ever talked to him.
You know what?
Forget talk. I want to meet him.
I'm not performing unless we meet Robert Kushman... today.
Look, Ria, we don't...
we don't have time for this, sweetheart.
The place is costing me a fortune.
No Kushman, no song!
You're all going along with this?
I've been through a lot today, Dad.
I don't need more aggravation.
[SIGHS]
Clock's ticking.
Tick, tock.
Okay. Okay.
You want Robert Kushman,
I'm gonna give you Robert Kushman.
Just get ready to start singing about OvaRing.
A wonderful product!
Which if your mother had had it,
I wouldn't be going through this bullshit right now.
♪ ...confidence ♪
Mmm.
Ken, I've been listening to Meg's demo again,
and I'm more and more convinced
it's the right way to go.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Stop listening. Uh...
Ken, you came here to collaborate with a professional.
Maybe you should try listening to someone
who knows more than you for once.
Oh, ha. I see.
Look, like I said, if there's time,
we'll lay down your demo, too.
But kids are really jazzed
about doing my jingle right now.
So, you know, please don't go in there
and get them all disappointed and confused.
You know, just stay here,
maybe start working out the harmonies.
And you know what? I will right back.
Okay.
Uh, excuse me. Is anybody here an actor?
Okay.
Uh, is anybody here an actor who's actually been paid to act?
Oh. You're an actor, a real actor?
I don't like the term "actor," it connotes fakeness.
I'm a classically trained thespian, which means...
Okay, whatever. Uh, have I seen you in anything?
Are you familiar with "The Mask"?
You were in "Mask" with Jim Carrey?
No, no, "The Mask" by Jinju Shinzau,
a play in seven tragic acts.
We held the Unicorn Theatre for six months...
- still a house record. - Uh-huh.
And to be honest, I was an
understudy for the smaller male roles,
but a stage manager told me
I showed real promise for a guy with special needs.
- You have special needs? - Oh, no, no, I'm fine.
Thank God, I'm fine.
Okay.
I'd like to pay you money
to pretend to be somebody for my kids.
It's just right down the block. It's five minutes.
Well, technically, I'm available,
but I should really check with my manager.
- Oh, you have representation? - Oh, no, no, Ben,
my manager from the Kinko's down the street where I work.
I have for years, full-time. You know what? He'll be fine.
I'll do it. Let's go, I'll do it.
- Okay. - But I want $25.
- Okay. - An hour.
- Great. - With a 3-hour minimum.
- Fine. - Ha ha! A gig!
You hear that, you parasites?!
Daddy's got a job!
Okay, let's talk dressing rooms.
It's critical that I have my own area to prepare, like a womb.
That's not gonna happen.
Okay, I'll do it anyways. I got greedy. Let's go.
I apologize. You know what... oh, one second.
This is my danish!
Yeah, they... they got it.
Let's go, let's work.
Let's do it! Okay.
All right, so how does my character fit in to all this?
Right, so you're Robert Kushman, our manager.
You're one of the top guys in the music business,
- a real heavyweight. - Very cool. How did we meet?
You heard us through a show in Akron, Ohio,
when we were opening for Duncan Freedom.
- He's dead. - He was alive then.
- Right, good thinking. - Yeah.
And then you and I hit it off backstage,
and you signed us immediately.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!
I got a better idea, I got a better idea.
How about me met at a cockfight in Mogadishu?
- That's insane. - Yeah.
It's a little early in the process
to be shutting down ideas, Ken.
But, fine, we'll go with the Akron story... for now.
We'll see where it takes us.
"For now"?
Just got a little bit of a time crunch.
Yeah, don't worry. Just one moment, please.
Bill's billboard bored the passing pedestrian.
Passing pedestrians were bored by Bill's billboard.
- What... what are you doing? - Just a few vocal warm-ups.
So the maitre 'd spoke fluent Cantonese.
The maitre 'd
- spoke fluent Cantonese. - Sounds great. What don't we...
Pete's pet pony was a premature ejaculator.
Peter couldn't make the pony prance.
Okay, okay. Okay. That's good. That's good.
- Why don't we head inside? - Not just yet, actually.
I have a few superstitions.
Ayyyy-ohhhh!
Ohhhh-ohhhh! Yeahh! Yeahh!
This is something the Greeks would do to ward off
evil spirits in the amphitheater.
Yahh! Yahh!
So, when we record his jingle,
he's gonna want to get fancy on the drums,
which is... so OvaRing.
But I think we should dial down the percussion,
and lean into something
a little more acoustic with the guitars.
Yeah, we can do that.
Will you excuse me for a second?
Yeah.
Whooooaaa! Heyy! Yeah!
One, two, three. One, two, three.
And now 100 pushups, and we'll be good to go inside!
One! I do this before every show.
Two! Three! Four!
Look, buddy, I can get somebody else if this is a big deal.
Hey, it's called "preparation," Ken, okay?
Every fine thespian does this.
You ready?
Could you spit in my mouth for good luck?
Please?
- [SPITS] - Mmm.
It's nice.
- Ken? - Kind of tastes like lavender.
Sweetheart, darling. Who is your friend?
Robert Kushman. Bobby K.
Oh, no. Ken... God.
All right. You pictured him older, right, right?
Maybe a beard or some cool glasses. Me too. Me too.
But overall, I think he screams credibility.
He screams insanity. This cannot happen.
Look, Ria is screaming how Kushman isn't real.
I got to prove her wrong!
- But she's not wrong! - That's not the point!
She won't work unless she meets Kushman.
In person. Today. And they're all going along with it.
That's because you told them he lives in St. Paul.
How many times do I have to say,
great lies thrive in ambiguity.
Yeah, she tch-tch-tch-tch-
totally right about th-th-th-th-th-that.
- What the fuck is that? - Stutter!
You know, I thought a guy who makes his living on the phone
with a speech impediment, it's ironic and inspiring.
It's cool.
Our kids do bullshit for a living.
This is amateur hour.
- It's never gonna work. - Excuse me?
Honey, this man is a trained professional.
He just had me spit in his mouth
to prepare for this performance.
It's an actor thing.
No, that's just kind of my thing.
It's a me thing. I just like that. Thank you.
Ken, I have backed you in this lie
since the beginning against my better judgment.
This is going too far.
I forbid you to bring him in there!
Meg, I have no choice. We're descending into chaos!
Kushman puts an end to it!
- Oh, my God. - It's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine. He's just gonna
pop in and make a few introductions.
Yeah, I can't stay long anyways.
I've got a 12:30 lunch with those A&R yahoos
and then a staff meeting at 2:15.
He's a character!
- He's a character. - Don't egg him on!
- I'm not egging. I'm not egging. - All right, here we go.
The hell is that? W-Why are you limping?
Oh, I'm glad you asked.
My character had polio as a child.
Just a kernel of backstory to garner
some empathy from the audience.
People love a flawed protagonist. Ah!
- No polio. - Wow.
You're a music exec, not fucking Tiny Tim.
- We're dead. - No, we're good.
We're good.
He's right. I'm gonna go with lupus.
Hey, gang. Can I get your attention for a second?
There's somebody very special I'd like you to meet.
No way.
Uh, this handsome-looking fellow standing next to me
is our manager, Robert Kushman.
Hey, gang. I'm so sorry I kept missing all your phone calls,
but it's so great to finally meet you all in person!
I remember when I first approached your father
about working together. I was more nervous
than any point in my career,
and I've keistered cocaine for many a desperate client.
Oh, man, I so wish that I had met you before this week.
Why were you nervous in signing us?
Uh, this guy right here, of course.
I mean, here's this follicly-challenged
angel of a man, this consummate musician.
I had to convince him to trust me
with the people he loves the most.
You did... You did come on strong,
- I won't lie to you. - I sure did.
I said, "Kenny, nothing gets me hard like raw talent."
Except maybe the gentle caress of a woman
who I paid for with company funds.
Am I right, guitar boy?
- He doesn't even know their names. - Mm-hmm.
Anyways, your father picked up on my passion,
and the rest is history.
So, is there a reason
why we haven't booked any serious venues?
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold your horses there, hot chick, okay?
- Let me tell you things about... - Hot chick?
...Bobby Kushman.
I work hard, I dream big, and I fuck gently.
I also change lives.
So recording this lame jingle
for no money is saving our lives?
What, you guys are doing a jingle?
Yeah, Dad said you agreed to it.
Oh, no way. No, no, no, no, no. No way, okay? If anything,
I'd say that jingles are where former hit songs go to die.
Exactly.
Yeah, you definitely did not say that,
but I think we did talk about
how much sacrifice it takes
to build a career.
This is also true, okay,
because building a career takes hard work, all right?
You don't just wake up one day famous.
You know why? 'Cause fame is a fickle bitch!
Okay, you can't just roll over and stick it in her, all right?
You have to and I want you all to remember this
for as long as you live...
you have to tickle the clit.
Okay, I think it's time to wrap this up.
We're really running short on time.
Okay, okay. One second, please.
I'm picking up a lot of unhappiness here,
and I am in the happiness business, all right?
You want to talk gigs?
Let's talk gigs, all right?
I'm thinking West Coast tour, 22 dates,
Cali to Canada, huh?
Yes, absolutely! Yes!
Robert, that's such a big commitment.
We're in! I mean, i-if you really think it's possible.
Of course it's possible.
How do you guys all feel about the Hollywood Bowl?
- Yes! - Yes!
Geez, where did you find him?
Uh, Robert, do you really think that's feasible?
Feasible's such a pussy word, Ken.
- We've been over this! - All right, heads up, everybody.
You only got about 35 minutes left on the clock.
Hey, who the fuck is this clown?
Our session producer, Gary Vestimonte,
the Jingle Giant.
Who's the Jingle Giant? Hey, Gary...
Okay? Kish mein tuchas, all right?
We're gonna be done when we're done, all right?
Just block off the studio for the rest of the day,
and let the talent do their thing.
There is no way we can afford any of that.
Yeah, I'm gonna need the money up front.
Gary, fuck!
Let me do my job, okay?
Jesus Christ, this guy.
All right, I don't come to your office
and knock the mop out of your hand, all right?
I'm implying you're a janitor, all right?
And also, for what we're paying here,
how about some fucking catering!
All right? Because who doesn't love catering!
Yeah!
Kushman!
[ALL CHANTING "KUSHMAN!"]
What do you think of the outfits?
Oh, those outfits are garbage. Not at all on brand.
Excuse m... Excuse me,
we talked about the, uh, outfits.
You said they rocked.
Uh, maybe on the girls, but Hot Chick, Peanut,
and MILF could wear elephant pelts and still sell.
- MILF? Really? - Yes.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Course, if you really want to thank me,
you should thank me for the record deal!
What?!
Yeah, I wanted to tell you backstage
after a gig like I did with Rihanna,
who, by the way, wants to collaborate with you guys ASAP.
St. Ivin's is out.
I would totally give my pathetic life up for RiRi.
Rihanna, really? That's who you'd go for?
Who doesn't go for the Caribbean Queen?
I will definitely hook you up, Cleaning Lady's Kid.
KEN: Uh, excuse me, Robert?
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Uh, yeah, sure.
Hey, kids, I got to go hold your dad's hand,
so take care of these snacks.
- We can always get more, okay? - Whoa.
All right. You're the man.
Okay. Knock it the fuck off!
Well, you knock it the fuck off, okay?!
Those outfits are a joke!
I'm trying to take you guys to the next level,
but I can't do that if you're not gonna listen, okay?
Okay, let's get back in there.
No! Are you crazy?! You can't go back in there!
How are we gonna back up your bullshit?
International tours, record d... Rihanna?
I know, she was a huge get for me.
- I'm probably gonna make partner. - Make partner?
Would you cut the shit?
It's soundproof glass! No one can hear us.
Finally, Kushman's setting Dad straight.
I think it's time you and I had a "come to Jesus" meeting.
What?
Your influence is hurting the band. There, I said it.
All right, let me tell you something.
My influence is the only thing
holding this band together!
Hold on, there, Ken. I think Kushman
- may be on to something. - What?
Well, a great band should be collaborative,
but you never listen to anyone.
You're totally closed off to creative input.
- Give me one example. - My jingle!
It's 1,000 times better than yours!
That is completely subjective!
No, it's not! Yours is just bad.
It's stupid, and it's offensive to women.
Ooh.
What are you doing right now?
Agreeing with management.
Are you insane?!
Do you hear what's coming out of your mouth?!
All right, this has got to stop.
I'm gonna need you to just break the character.
What character?
Don't fuck with me right now. You know what I mean.
I can't break character anymore than you can, Ken.
Just stop. I'm asking you nicely.
Okay, if we can't be straight with each other,
then I don't think I'm the right rep for you.
Break the character!
- I am Kushman! - Noo...
- Ohh. - Oh.
Is Dad choking Kushman?
I think they're just negotiating.
- Oh. - What do you think, Gary?
I think I'm owed for the overtime and the pastries.
I don't think they're negotiating.
- Ooh! - Oh!
I'm getting a bad feeling about this.
Ahh! You picked the wrong music mogul
to tangle with, Ken!
Okay, I taught judo for six years!
It's how I put myself through law school!
Oh, you stupid fucking idiot.
Kushman never went to law school.
He worked his way up from the mail room
after a failed stint on Wall Street.
Oh, I'd never work on Wall Street!
Big banks are the bane of American working class!
- Shut up, you stupid ass! - Just stop it!
Break it up, both of you, now.
I am serious, Ken.
- Dad, what the hell are you doing?! - You're hurting Kushman.
- I know. - There is no Kushman!
That's not true. I'm right here.
Robert Kushman is not real. He never was.
- Then who is this guy? - Some actor.
Okay, you know what? I don't have to take this shit, okay?
Hey, Swallow, I'm tearing up your contract. And you.
In my 41-plus years in this industry,
I have never worked with a bigger asswipe than you,
and that includes Bananarama!
You've made a powerful enemy today.
Dad, are you okay?
Who cares if he's okay?
He lied to us over and over again.
You lied to us?
Let me explain. Let me explain.
I'm sorry I lied.
Things were going so well on that tour.
I mean, they were perfect, right?
And then...
Duncan died and everything stopped
and you all wanted to quit.
And I just... I didn't want us to do that.
So you invented a bullshit manager?
You backed me into it, Ria.
You kept talking to me
about how you were leaving the band
unless somebody reliable oversaw us.
So yeah, Kushman.
Mom... I think we should go home now.
I'm sorry, sweetie. We just...
- We can't. - Why not?
Meg, don't. Don't.
I'm not gonna lie to them anymore.
Your dad sold our house to pay for the bus.
You sold our house for that shitty bus?!
She knew about it. She knew about the whole time.
She was the one who told me not to tell you.
You lied to us, Mom?
I did.
I didn't want you to know,
because I didn't want to...
I didn't want to go back.
I wanted something different for my life,
for your lives,
and so I lied and I'm so, so sorry.
And I am sorry, too.
I'm sorry.
But, guys, it's gonna be fine.
I mean, you just have to trust me
a little bit more, okay?
I-I got us this far, didn't I?
You got us?
You?
They got us here, Ken, them.
And all you have done is shut them down and dress them up
and tell them what to do,
and all I have done is stand by and let you do it!
Well, I'm done.
- Meg, Meg. - Let's go, you guys.
You know what? Enjoy your fucking jingle, Dad.
- Ria, come on. Ria. - Come on, Jermaine.
Let's get your boarding school paperwork together.
Maybe you can help me find one that accepts girls.
Jermaine, come on. But... hey, Casey. Case!
Alex, buddy, come on, pal.
You know...
I used to do drugs because they were fun.
And then you made us go on this tour.
And now I do drugs because I have to.
You kind of ruined drugs for me, Dad.
[DOOR CLOSES]
♪
So, I don't know if you want to keep this session going.
If you do, I'll be in my office,
but I really think you ought to listen
to your wife's demo again.
It's got something.
MEG: ♪ When the moment makes sense ♪
- Who are you calling? - ♪ You'll have confidence ♪
Duncan's manager, Warren.
Maybe he's still interested in signing me up.
ALEX: Come on, let's get out of here.
♪ When the moment makes sense ♪
♪ You'll have confidence ♪
♪ When the moment makes sense ♪
♪ You'll have confidence ♪
- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --