Some roads you don't cross.
L.C. Soothe learned that the day the Devil come to Grovetown.
L.C. had the Blues in his heart,
but his fingers were stiff as a corpse.
So he killed a chicken, boiled its blood,
and called up the Devil.
Ahh.
With old Scratch pumping through his veins,
L.C. became the best Blues player ever lived.
But the Devil makes no deals
he don't get a little something extra.
Every time L.C. played,
that damn Devil got a little piece of somebody's soul...
and replaced it with a little bit of himself.
And that little bit of the Devil
made the people of Grovetown crazy mean sons of bitches.
Bad things happened on the tracks that night.
Some say the Devil never left this place.
Some say he never will.
What the hell happened to you boys back there?
The black and white brothers
from way across the tracks found that out.
Found it out the hard way.
Come on. I got you, bro.
Easy.
You don't want a hand?
Hey. You need anything?
Nah.
Got everything I need right here.
Aah! I'm on fire!
Santa's comin' to spread some holiday cheer
and whoop some ass.
I'm on fire!
Get! Don't you come back now, ya hear?
Aw, no, Leonard.
I don't want no drugs in my neighborhood.
Get on, now! Get!
Hey, Hap!
Leonard.
You, too!
I'm on fire!
- Aah! - Hey, hold still.
Hold still!
Hey, man, you just hittin' me now!
You probably want to rethink this hairdo anyway.
Aah! Come on, man! Come on!
This shit is dope!
Good to see you again, Cletus.
What happened to your mohawk?
That ain't a mohawk. That's a high top.
Is that what it is?
I guess it's about time you changed that out anyway, huh?
That's exactly what I said.
Man, this is a hot box, man.
Yeah, well, you about to spend New Year's behind bars.
What? Th-This dude hit me!
I had a flamin' hot box comin' at me.
Had to put him down to put him out.
I thought you quit.
Yeah, well, I like to quit a few times a year.
That way she tastes that much better when I get back to her.
Uh-huh.
Damn.
I think this might be Leonard's best one yet.
Practice makes all the difference.
Dopin' sons of bitches. Get the hell out of here!
That's the last of 'em.
- Merry Christmas, Charlie. - Merry Christmas, Leonard.
I was just tellin' Hap this might be your best one yet.
Yeah. A thing of beauty, ain't it?
Y'all just not gonna get me any medical attention?
Quit whining, Cletus.
Uh, Boogie Wilson.
Merry Christmas, Boogie. Take a seat. Name?
Aiding and abetting.
- I saved a man's life tonight. - I seen it on my own porch.
I mean, Hap's a hero.
Should get a-a Samaritan award or somethin'.
Right. Man, I'm putting cases on both your asses.
Shut up, Cletus. It's Christmas Eve.
Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men.
- Go sit down now. - All that crap.
Cletus Carter the Third, welcome back.
Take a seat.
Thank you, ma'am.
That's better.
Collins and Pine.
Pine and Collins.
Welcome back.
Heard this one was the best yet, Leonard.
Thank you, ma'am. I set the bar high for myself.
All right, let's go.
I want to show you two shit birds something.
Wife got me started at this.
Thought it'd help me quit smoking.
She got me a book on it.
Right there's a duck.
Look like a spider to me.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Workin' on my bunny rabbit.
Bunny rabbit.
- Spider. - Spider.
Oh.
That's a pussy.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me that book of yours
got a chapter on shadow vaginas.
Well, here. Leonard, this one's for you.
Wock!
Charlie! Where that hell is Hanson?
He's on his way.
Take my advice... Don't pull your smart-ass routine
on him when he gets here.
He's been in a shitty mood since him and Florida broke up.
Well, I've been there.
He's trying to work things out with the wife.
Unh. They got kids, ya know.
- I know. - Hap.
- I don't care. - Hap!
What?
Just 'cause she broke up with him
don't make it good news for you.
Did I say it was?
Oh, but you was thinkin' it.
Detective.
Guy in cell three wants we should call his wife,
tell her to tape a nature show special off the TV.
Otherwise, he's gonna miss it.
It's a special about bears.
Hey, Peg.
What's this look like to you?
Whew!
Spider.
Oh. God damn.
As the snow melts and Mother Sun returns,
they awaken from their slumber.
High atop a quagmire, we find Ginger bear.
We'll be seeing her again.
With winter gone and a tug in her loins,
she goes looking for a mate
and a safe place for her cubs during the mating season.
Spring is for romance.
Can you believe this shit? I mean...
I don't believe it.
Two bears doin' the mambo right there on TV.
Mm-mm.
You think bear dicks get swelled up in a knot like dog dicks do?
I don't know, Cletus.
I never finished my degree on bear dicks.
Oh, Hap, stop lyin'. Now you're just bein' modest.
You know, when I was a kid,
they wouldn't even show one dog behind the other
in case something like this happened.
World's changin', man.
Ain't nothin' sacred out there no mo'.
Amen.
Girl bear looks bored.
Remind you of your wife, Detective Blank?
All right!
Get it out. Get it out.
Put these dipsticks back in their cells.
I want you in my office. Now.
Just Collins.
Leonard.
Remind me to stop bein' friends with you.
If I burnt down every dirtbag's house 'round here,
the whole town'd be cinders.
They was sellin' drugs, Hanson, to kids.
Now, if you boys would arrest them,
then Leonard wouldn't feel the need
to burn their house down, now, would he, hm?
It makes us look bad.
So, you gonna take that out on Leonard?
This is his third strike, Hap. Oh, come on.
Just give him one more.
You don't know how baseball works, do you?
Ain't heard from Florida, have you?
What?
Have you heard from Florida?
Well, we're not pen pals or nothin'.
I-I saw her couple of months back.
Mm. She was out with some friends.
Nothin' special.
Suppose you heard we broke up.
Oh, that... That is a damn shame.
If you wanna dance, get up, have at it.
I always thought that you two
were just the... The best couple.
I...
Mm-hmm.
Mm. Well, I'm worried about her.
She went down to Grovetown the other day.
Oh.
See a client.
Told her it was a bad idea, but...
she wouldn't listen.
Well, Grovetown's always a bad idea.
I mean, she can take care of herself.
She's smart.
Maybe too smart for her own good.
She called me from there yesterday.
I didn't like the way she sounded.
Well, I tried. I tried everything.
Told her, "Baby, come on home,"
but she just said, "I can't. Not yet."
Thing that's got me shook me, though, is...
h-how she said it.
Sounded scared.
Where do I come into all this?
I want you to go down there and bring her home.
You.
What
I'm back with the wife.
It wouldn't look good I go chasin' after Florida, you know?
- Well... - 'Sides, I got kids.
It's Christmas.
But you, you got nobody.
I got Leonard. Well, his ass is in jail.
Shit, Hanson.
Grovetown?
Send Charlie. Charlie's police.
This ain't police business. It's personal.
You do this for me,
I'll let Leonard out of jail when you get back.
I do this for you, you gotta let Leonard out of jail now.
Tonight.
Grovetown gives shitholes a bad name, Hap.
Yep. I've heard the stories.
It's a two-hour ride but a hundred years away.
They don't like black folk there
unless they swabbin' out the toilet or sweepin' the floor
or steppin' off the curb let the white man pass.
Klan's alive and kickin' there.
Call themselves the Supreme Order of Caucasian Assholes,
some such shit.
Well, if it's so bad, why did Hanson ask us to go there?
Well, he ain't askin' you. He's askin' Hap.
- Well, it's the same thing. - No, it ain't the same thing!
Guy like you in Grovetown start the next goddamn Civil War.
Well, I can't help it if I'm burstin' with charm.
You're burstin' with bullshit's what you're burstin' with.
Now, Hap, you take my advice.
You go down there, you get in, you get out.
You don't take Leonard with you.
Grovetown and black folk don't mix,
and Leonard Pine does not play well with others.
Remember what I said!
Be back in an hour, partner.
We'll take my car.
Should hit Grovetown by morning.
I'll get the sandwiches and the guns.
What do we need guns for?
Never know.
Might be in the mood to shoot somethin'.
You don't need to do this, ya know.
Ain't doin' it for you, Hap.
Florida's family.
Yeah. Right.
Oh, hey.
Nearly forgot.
Merry Christmas.
You shouldn't have.
Man, I ain't get you nothin'.
I know.
You're the only gift I need, Leonard.
Aaaaah!
- Come on, man! Come on, man! - Come on, man! Come on, please!
We don't want... We don't want no trouble!
The hell you doin' in my house?
Was guardin' the house next door, but then we got hungry,
and them crackheads don't got shit to eat.
Ah... Yeah! Yeah, we went to get pizza,
came back, and we seen you burnt the place down again.
Yeah, and the cops took you in,
so we just figured we'd use your place to eat.
This look like a cafeteria to you?
No. But it's a real nice place you got.
There's some pizza in the kitchen if you're hungry.
- You can have some. - Yeah.
Yeah, you can have it.
What kind of pizza?
- Hap. - Florida.
- Hello. - Ladies.
Well, you look the same.
Hm. Hm.
Uh, you, uh...
You wanna dance?
Uh...
Watch my bag.
Florida?
You gonna sniff them, too?
Jesus, Hanson!
Damn!
That's creepy. What the hell you doin' here?
Shit, I'm a cop. What's your excuse?
I just figured I'd check.
See if she got back.
You didn't believe me about her, did you?
Hmm?
Oh, truth is, uh...
I half expected her to be here.
Hidin' from you.
That girl don't hide from nothin'.
That's what I'm scared of.
Don't know when to quit pickin' the scabs.
Damn.
What is it about women, Collins?
Take cavemen like us,
twist our peckers up into knots, and...
leave us to untie 'em.
Shit ain't right.
No, that's just the good ones.
Best ones twist 'em up so damn tight
you can't untie 'em.
Me and her.
Mm.
It was good for a while there.
Then it went sour.
Yeah, I know what you mean, Marvin.
You don't know shit.
Don't call me "Marvin."
I spent a year and a half
in a lovin' relationship with that girl.
You spent the night in a truck.
Was one hell of a night.
I'ma stop you right there
'fore you make me do somethin' I might regret.
Why don't you just go home, Hanson, huh?
Spend Christmas Eve with your kids.
I'll call you when I find her.
You'll wanna check that answering machine 'fore you go.
Hey, Ms. Grange, it's Bobby Joe.
I appreciate you meetin' up with us
with the holidays and all.
We'll be around at the, uh...
The radio station around 1:00 p.m. with Mr. Knox
to go over all the paperwork.
And, uh, thanks again, ya hear.
Hey, sweet potato.
It's your sugar bear. Rawr!
Skip that one.
Ms. Grange, Sonny Knox, 96.6 Radio.
Tryin' to reach Bobby Joe.
If you hear from him,
please have him call as soon as possible.
Want to get this deal done.
It's a great opportunity for your client
and for me, as well.
Thank you. Hope to see both of you soon, counselor.
Merry Christmas, all that jazz.
Hm.
Any idea who the Bobby Joe guy is?
Number was a pay phone.
And the Knox character?
I left a message.
Maybe he's celebratin' the holidays.
I'll check him out when I get down there, huh?
Hap.
Go get her and bring her back.
I'll do my best.
That I promise you.
I'm gonna hold you to it.
Yeah.
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey.
Leon and Clinton.
I'll explain later.
They're gonna watch the house while we're gone.
Ain't that right, boys?
Yeah.
Works out good, too.
Got a ant problem at our place.
We're better off here.
Christmas ants, ya know?
Uh, nope. Not sure if I do.
You know, those ants that only come out at Christmastime.
They everywhere this time of year!
Our house is full of those little dudes.
Goddamn Christmas ants!
- They red or green or... - Nah.
They just come out at Christmas. They Christmas ants.
Yeah, there's ants in my underwear drawer.
That's 'cause your underwear ain't clean.
Man, what you doin' in my underwear drawer?
You know they ate my banana?
I left it on the table, and they ate it.
Right.
Oh.
Uh, Leonard. We gotta go.
You turkeys help yourself to whatever's in the fridge.
I counted my cookies, so hands off.
- Yes! - Yes!
Mm.
Mornin'.
Howdy.
Aw, that's a fine-lookin' man.
Ain't he a picture, Pete?
- Th-Thank you, ma'am. - Yeah.
You got a bathroom I can use?
It's broke. Go around behind the shack.
Oh.
Whatchu doin' with that cracker?
You in trouble, son?
That is one sorry-lookin' white boy.
What you and him doin' together?
Just travelin'.
With him? What for?
To tell you the truth, he had brain fever as boy.
Ain't too bright.
My mama used to work for his mama when we was kids.
When she died, we felt sorry for him and took him in.
Grew up together.
Kinda feel a little sorry for him.
- Mm. - Mm.
That's a lordly thing your mama did,
takin' in a dimwitted white boy like that.
- Mm-hmm. - Yes, ma'am.
But, you know, I use him as a chauffeur.
This way I can keep my eye on him.
Keep him outta trouble.
Bathroom's inside.
It ain't really broke. You need it?
- Nice little place you got here. - No.
Hey.
Them boiled peanuts?
I-I ain't had boiled peanuts long as I can remember.
They ain't ready yet.
- Come here, you. - Damn!
Yes, ma'am.
Your mama must've been a saintly woman.
Praise be to Jesus.
Where you boys headed?
Uh... Grovetown.
Grovetown.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Nothin' funny about it.
Whoo-hoo! Nothin' at all!
You gonna have a good time in Grovetown.
Oh.
They gonna love you there.
- Y'all have a nice day. - Ooh, Lord!
Merry Christmas, now.
- Grovetown! - Whoo!
Bless 'em.
What'd you tell them folks back there?
Nothin'.
They sure were findin' somethin' funny.
Yeah, well, maybe they ain't used
to black and white folks mixin'.
Maybe when we get there, you lay low.
Stay in the car.
Let me do the talkin'.
Whatchu tryin' to say? What, I can't play it cool?
Nah. Worries me is you like confrontation too much.
Well, what worries me is that you don't like it enough, Hap.
I mean, I been in 'Nam.
I can handle Grovetown.
Not just Grovetown.
It's you in Grovetown.
Well, they don't mess with me, I won't mess with them.
Well, what about when they do mess with you?
I bear arms.
Wrong answer.
You know what guns means. It just mean more guns.
I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6.
I just wanna go down there and find Florida, not...
Well, me, too.
Not have some kind of shootout
like in the O.K. Corral.
Whatchu packin' back there?
A shotgun. Broke it down, in plastic.
Oh, okay.
Couple of Winchesters, .30-30s
and a .45 with some ammo in a lockbox.
You bring the Gyrocopter?
In the lockbox, Hap.
In the lockbox. "In the lockbox."
Wait a minute.
P-Pull over right here for a second.
Mm-hmm.
This here Devil's Crossing.
Yep.
Mm-hmm. That's what it says.
You don't know what this is?
Nope.
But I bet you gonna tell me.
You ain't go no damn taste in music.
Grew up listenin' to that Pat Boone imitation bullshit,
then you crossed over to that hippy-drug shit
they was pumpin' in the '70s.
All right, all right. So, tell me.
What is the Devil's Crossroads?
Well, legend has it, old blues man came here
and sold his soul to the Devil,
right here in this spot.
They ate each other's turds, sucked each other's carrots,
some hocus pocus crap like that.
Anyway, that old boy became
the greatest blues man ever lived.
I thought that was Bobby Johnson.
Oh, no! He just stoled it from him!
Well, who the hell was it, then?
Boy named L.C. Soothe.
Oh.
Uncle Chester said he went to see him as a kid.
Sparks shot off from his fingers.
Oh, get outta here. Eyes glowed yellow
as he choked on that old guitar.
Well...
I gotta admit, Hap. I ain't never heard of him.
Yeah, you ain't the only one.
Any blues fan worth his salt know who L.C. Soothe is, though.
Say, Hap. Mm-hmm.
What would you sell your soul for?
If I said world peace, you'd only call me a hippie.
You are a hippie.
Hippie mixed with old-ass hippie.
What about you?
Oh, that's easy.
Endless supply of Nilla Wafers, ocean full o' Dr. P.
Oh, we sound like a couple old farts.
Don't you even think about it.
Your butt feel like yodeling,
you better pull over and let it out.
Hey.
What's his game?
The hell? I don't know.
Damn, he's close.
The hell?
What's he want? Come on! Pass!
What the hell?
Man!
Well, that was neighborly.
Well, maybe we should think about keeping them guns
up front from now on, huh?
Merry Christmas, East Texas.
That was a sweet one from Frog Eyes Johnson,
and you're listenin' to 96.6,
Your Blues Fix, where the blues never die.
Here's an old classic to put some bounce in your mistletoe.
Place look like a goddamn Hallmark card.
I don't see any black folk, though.
You noticed, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Keep expectin' Rod Serling to pop out any minute
and give us the damn lowdown.
You've crossed over to...
"The Twilight Zone." "The Twilight Zone."
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas.
Who the hell are they supposed to be?
What, them? Yeah.
That's the Three Wise Men.
Look more like the Three Ken Dolls to me.
Three whitest black people I ever seen.
Hey, now. Behave, Leonard.
Aw, come on. They got a blonde wig on Mary.
I said behave.
Can I help you?
I'm afraid we're all booked up.
The holidays. You know how it is.
I sure do know how it is.
Uh, ma'am, we were wondering
if this, uh... this woman was stayin' here.
Her name is Florida Grange.
Nobody by that name is stayin' here.
Nobody by that color either, I bet.
We don't take kindly
to smart mouths around here.
Now, I told you that lady is not here,
so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Oh.
I got church service to go to, and I have to lock up.
Well, we hope you have a nice day, ma'am, and...
And thank you so much for your help. Mm.
Why don't you just kiss her ass cheeks?
Massage her feet while you're at it?
Well, I find you get more with a little sugar
than vinegar, Leonard.
Yeah, well, I was usin' brown sugar.
That always gets me what I want.
Ladies. Strange.
It's almost as if she didn't like you.
Maybe it was this sexy vest I was wearin'.
Oh, personally, I've always found that vest
a little scary on you.
You check out her hairdo?
Lady gotta have one heck of a strong neck
to hold that shit up.
You see the part where it was braided?
It looked like a little butthole.
Oh, gave you a little flutter, huh?
Ha ha, very funny.
Let's just find Florida,
get out of white-man fantasy before "Matlock" come on
and you can't find nobody.
I don't know.
I'm beginning to appreciate the quaintness of this town.
Why don't you just move here?
Or maybe not.