Hi, everybody. Today's Strain O' The Day is Helium Dream.
And we're gonna try some right now.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Raised at altitude
by the growers of Goodyear Farms,
this uplifting sativa will elevate your high.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Not quite a head high, not quite a body high.
It hits you right in the vocal cords.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, my God, you're so cute. You sound like a chipmunk.
You sound like Travis.
[LAUGHING]
You sound like a man looking for a new job.
Helium Dream,
currently on sale here at Ruth's Alternative Caring for...
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] the low, low price of $30 an eighth.
- Dude, this shit is fucked up. - I know, I sound like Urkel.
Did I do that?
Shit. I've never wanted to have sex with Urkel before.
- Okay, time for the new jingle. Pete? - Did I do that?
[TOOTS]
♪ Ruth's Alternative Caring ♪
♪ Come say high ♪
[TRIXIE SMITH'S "JACK, I'M MELLOW" PLAYING]
♪ I'm so high... ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
What do you think, Ruth? Is this how you want it?
I think you guys feng shui'd the fuck out of this place.
Ladies, get ready for an empowering, enlightening evening
face-to-face with Rosie Bush.
[BOTH SNICKERING]
Okay, you two, take your snickering dicks and get out of here.
Come on. Seriously?
Tonight's about women networking with women.
We don't need you here making jokes about ginger pubes.
She coming, too?
- [BOTH LAUGHING] - Oh, God.
[RUTH] All right, get out of here. Go on. Get out of here.
[RUTH SIGHS]
I hope tonight inspires you. It's like I always say,
if I can help one woman, then I've helped humanity.
- Ruth. - Rosie.
Oh, my... Consent to hug?
- Consent happily granted. - [RUTH CHUCKLES]
[RUTH] Oh, it's great to see you.
- How is life on the farm? - Oh, so gratifying.
Grow operations have never been bigger.
We just shot our fifth male trespasser.
That's beautiful.
Come on. Come over here.
- Come meet Rosie. - [ROSIE] Hello.
- Nice to meet you. - Yeah. Hey.
Rosie runs Eve's Bush Farm.
The first ever all-female marijuana cooperative.
Oh, not just all-female, all-lesbian.
Oh, you finally turned Susan, huh?
[LAUGHING]
- Called it. - [BOTH LAUGHING]
Hello, little ones.
I'm Pete.
I'm gonna make sure
all you nice young ladies grow up strong and healthy.
You know why?
'Cause I'm your daddy.
Nuh-uh. You're my daddy.
Hey.
There she is.
Mary Jane, the spiritual embodiment of the marijuana plant.
My girl.
Girlfriend.
I'm your girlfriend.
I love you.
I, uh...
I hear you.
Hey, uh, I have something to ask you, and it's kind of important.
Oh, my God, yes, yes. A thousand times yes.
- Of course I'll marry you. - What? What?
I want a spring wedding, band, no DJ. We're not inviting Aphrodite,
- 'cause she's a whore. - No, no, no.
Uh, I wanna ask you about my girls.
Uh...
I'm thinking about adding coconut fiber to the fertilizer.
Fertilizer for your girls?
How about you use the bullshit coming out of your mouth.
- Mary Jane, please. - I did not come here to talk shop, okay?
You know what mama needs from Petey boy.
- Sex. - Ugh. Oh, we'll get to that.
First...
you're giving me one of your long, delicious foot rubs.
- Uh, I'm busy with... - Fuck you. Rub my feet.
Yes, dear.
Olivia here has just started her own line of edibles.
Wait, you're Olivia from Olivia's Shitballs?
- Yeah. You've heard of them? - Oh, sure.
They're they only balls allowed on the farm.
I mean, I've never tried one because I'm vegan
and I hate the taste of cruelty, but I hear good things.
You're gonna hear more.
It won't be long till Olivia's Shitballs take over the world.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ I used to have all kinds of munchies ♪ ♪ But I don't anymore ♪
♪ 'Cause now there's ♪ ♪ A wonderful snack treat ♪
♪ You're going to adore ♪
♪ Olivia's Shitballs ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪
♪ They'll make you feel good ♪
♪ Make you feel good ♪
♪ They'll make you feel good ♪
♪ I need those aforementioned Shitballs ♪ ♪ They'll make you feel good ♪
♪ Whoa, yeah, now ♪ ♪ They'll make you feel good ♪
♪ I'm ready for this song to fade out ♪
♪ They'll make you feel good ♪
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Olivia?
I'm sorry. I was just thinking about female empowerment.
It's great packaging, too.
Can you do the face for me?
Oh. No. I mean, I couldn't possibly... Well... Mm.
This is nice.
We have some bro time.
Okay.
So, you and Jenny, huh?
That's great.
It is. Thanks.
Cool.
You a Lakers fan?
Used to be.
My first tour to Iraq, Kobe was in his prime.
- [TRAVIS LAUGHS] - I got back and basketball
seemed stupid, because I'd seen many of my friends die.
Me, I like the Clippers.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, guys. Is it okay if I join you?
- I need a break from my girlfriend. - Whoa, wait.
- You have a girlfriend? - Yeah.
I would've been up here sooner, but she made me rub her feet
while she complained about her coworkers.
Yikes.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- That her? - [CHUCKLES] Yeah, she's all like,
[IN WHINY VOICE] "Where are you?
I miss you. Get over here. [CHUCKLES]
I wanna be with you."
[CHUCKLING]
God, I'm so lonely.
It's Tae Kwon Douglas. Letting him know we're hanging out on the roof.
- Pete, you up there? - Yeah.
- No. - Not that guy.
I can bring beer!
- Let him up. - It's fine, probably.
- Come on up, Douglas. Use the back door. - All right.
I'm gonna bring up a bucket of Corona and some fresh-cut lime.
Get ready to get your Wednesday on. [LAUGHS]
Welcome, everyone,
to our first ever Women's Entrepreneurial Education Day
at night.
Forty years ago,
when I spoke at the Freaks for Justice Conference, I said,
"Women are the future."
And tonight, I am proud to report we still are.
- Clapping for 40 years of no progress? - Hell, yes, we are. Girl power.
An evening like tonight shows me...
I'm sorry, Ruth, if I could just self-consent to interrupt.
Um, there's a young woman in the crowd.
Yeah. Your shirt.
Um... I'm sure it's coming from a place of ignorance, not hatred,
but it's a little micro-aggressive, clothing-wise,
and I don't want any of the others to feel this is an unsafe zone.
- Seriously, what were you thinking? - No. No, I mean you.
In the shirt that says "Nice," and then the ugly chestal slur.
Nice R.A.C.?
- [ALL GASP] - Disgraceful.
This is on me. We had those shirts made to promote our business.
Ruth's Alternative Caring, R-A-C. It's just a little wordplay.
Mm, no, herstory is wordplay, so this is offensive.
We also sell a R.A.C. 'n' Roll T-shirt with a cute joint playing a guitar.
Is the joint female?
Uh, sure, why not?
I'll go put that one on.
I also hate babies. Your shirt takes real courage.
I know you're all excited to hear from our honored guest.
She's a vibrant and energetic...
Whoa.
Yes. It's Ladies' Fight Club.
- Finally. Yes. - [LAUGHING]
Oh, come get some, Fuck Babies, yeah.
You got this. You got this. You got this.
- Uh, I got a $100 on my boo Dab. - Yeah.
- I got $200 on Fuck Babies. Take a dive. - Oh, hell, yeah.
Welcome to Del Taco. Can I take your order?
Uh...
Hm...
Let me get a...
Uh...
[LAUGHS]
Wait, what?
[ANNOUNCER] Del Taco. We're used to this.
♪ We had it all ♪
♪ Just like Bogie and Bacall ♪
[TAE KWON DOUG] Oh. Oh, yeah.
♪ Starring in our own late, late show ♪
♪ Sailing away to Key Largo ♪
- Hey, Doug... - No, no. Wait, wait.
♪ Here's looking at you, Pete ♪ ♪ Here's looking at you, Pete ♪
♪ Missing all the things we did ♪
♪ We will find it once again, I know ♪
I don't mean to be rude,
but if I give you free pot, will you get out of here?
How free?
Look, tonight is really, really important to me.
Yeah, what's going on, anyway?
It's just a gathering of women who work in the cannabis industry.
Oh, like me?
- [CHUCKLES] - Uh, well, technically, that's true in...
[DABBY] Okay.
- Okay. Yeah, all right. - Yeah.
- Oh, God. Yeah, this is getting awkward. - Mm-hm. Yeah.
Oh, boy. You know what? You don't have to say it.
- [RUTH] Okay. - I'll stay.
- You're so good. So good. - Okay, fine.
But please, I need this to be professional. Don't do what you do.
Sorry, lover, I gotta stay here and schmooze with these skanks.
That's fine. Hey, but don't bring one home, okay?
It's either two or nothing.
- Two or nothing. - Yeah, two home.
- Except... - Oh, guys, guys... Oh, no. Come on.
[MOANING]
Okay, all right. Ugh. Get out of here.
- The guys are on the roof smoking. - Oh. You ain't gotta tell me once.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, bring these two, the sister and titties.
Sorry. Sorry for the interruption. Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]
So, Rosie, why don't you tell us about your business?
Oh. Well, I can't really begin without first acknowledging a woman
who I was so inspired by, Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.
- Oh, gosh. - Ruth, you're more than my hero.
You're my shero.
I'm touched by your accuracy.
And here you are,
still fighting the good fight, running your own dispensary.
Well, full disclosure, I've turned over a lot of the operations
- to my son and business partner. - Son?
Uh, yeah, Travis.
Oh, great, another male-owned business.
A win for the penis-ocracy.
Uh, maybe we're getting off the track here.
Uh, let's circle back around to solidarity...
Could I make a bigger circle back around your circling back?
'Cause I feel like Rosie
slut-shamed the woman in the Nice R.A.C. T-shirt.
Well, I don't want to invalidate your viewpoint.
It's just that it's wrong.
I wasn't slut-shaming, I was slut shirt-shaming.
Do you understand the difference?
And for the record, I'm not a slut.
What's wrong with being a slut?
Nothing, I'm in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend.
[ALL] Boo.
Help me.
Uh, hey, everyone, I'm a slut.
Yeah!
Yeah! Sluts.
So, nobody saw my boom box fall off the roof?
No, man. It was just gone.
Wow.
You know, this might be the second cerveza talking,
but you guys are all right.
I appreciate you not sporking charlies while I'm up here either.
So, what do you think of beer, Pete?
Tastes kind of weird, huh? [LAUGHS]
I can tell you like it. He's drinking it, and he's like:
Hey, which one of you assholes threw a radio at me?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.
Nobody said anything about sharing a roof
with Snoop Marley Nelson here.
Man, Doug, you know, if you have to leave, we support you 100 percent.
No, no. I don't need to go anywhere.
But this guy...
[LAUGHS] He needs a cerveza con lima.
[LAUGHS] This is for you.
Fine, but only one. This shit makes me act stupid.
Hey, guys, does anyone here know anything about women?
- I like to think I do. - A bit.
I know how to fuck them.
Guys, I got this.
This is a moment when a boy needs his da...
Damn fine drinking buddy.
[LAUGHING]
I don't like being told I can't use my femininity
to promote my hand-blown dildo bongs.
Wait, you're DD from DD's Dildo Bongery?
Ladies, can we focus on the big picture here?
Big picture is, nothing changes
until we bring down the real oppressor of women,
the federal banking system.
Oh, what the Christ.
I'm Cheryl, I'm developing a cannabis-based currency called Pot Coin.
That's what I'm here to discuss, let's discuss that.
That's a valid issue, but it's very niche, limited to you.
And this is meant to be more inclusive.
Mm. Inclusive of so-called feminists who hand over their business to a male.
He's my son.
Who are you to define feminism?
Poster said, "We're here to destroy banking."
Are you sure you're in the right meeting?
This is what happens when you allow a man to penetrate your business.
You're playing into the Treasury Department's hands.
I told you, the bank is serious, we need to watch...
Please. Please, please, please.
[CHATTERING LOUDLY]
You cunts!
You ungrateful, whiny cunts!
Ruth got us here together tonight
so that we could help each other as women.
And that's all she's ever wanted to do,
is help people and fight injustice.
- That's right... - Yo, Ruth, I swear to Christ,
I'm on a roll, just let it happen.
Now, if we allow ourselves to descend into squabbling and in-fighting,
we are no better than the men you are all bitching about.
Now, this is a great woman right here.
And you all show her the respect she deserves,
or else the next one of you who opens up her filthy dicktrap...
will be joining Ladies' Fight Club whether she wants to or not.
Thank you.
So, it seems like "you cunts" is the right note
to end our feminist get-together.
We have punch and Shitballs and a nice cheese platter,
- so help yourselves. - Vegan cheese?
Shut the fuck up, Rosie!
Yes.
She's just really possessive and demanding.
And lately, she's been talking about marriage.
- No. No, get out. Get out. - That is a red flag.
Whoa, whoa. Pete, marriage?
No, I don't think I'm ready for this.
Yo, you're too young for all that, man. Like, what you like, 35?
- He's 21. - Holy shit, white people do not age well.
I'll tell you about my experience with marriage.
- I gotta be high for this. - Yeah.
My tale, like so many others, begins at a Wetzel's Pretzels.
Her name was Jill, and she was in charge of the salt,
and in the end, my soul was the wound that she rubbed it into.
I would fuck up a Wetzel's Pretzels right now.
[LAUGHING]
The only good thing to come of it was my two beautiful daughters,
plus the other, who developed humor as a coping mechanism.
That's another thing, my girl won't stop talking about having kids.
Pete, you seem unhappy. I think you gotta end this thing.
Yeah. Sack up, dude.
But won't breaking up with her make her angry?
Oh, yeah.
There will be anger and tears...
and even threats of suicide.
But you won't go through with it.
♪ We had it all ♪
♪ Just like Boogie and the Ball ♪
♪ We had it all ♪
♪ Starring in our own late, late show ♪
♪ Sailing away to Key Largo ♪
♪ Here's looking at you, kid ♪
♪ Missing all the things we did ♪
It's true. Every $100 bill has a microchip
that records what's inside your purse.
- Great. Thank you for coming. - [CHERYL] Okay. Download my e-book.
- It's on Amazon.net. - Will do.
Subaru safely.
Well, that was a shit show.
Why is it every activist but me is so difficult to work with?
I liked the crazy banking lady. Did you know ATMs
implant false memories in our brains?
I knew I never went to Paris.
Hey, Dabby.
- Thanks for having my back. - Sorry for dropping the C-word,
but in certain situations, it's called for, like tonight.
Or when there's an old lady on the freeway who won't pick a lane.
Or at the gynecologist.
I'm sorry, you guys. I was hoping to inspire women
to unite and work together.
I'm just bummed we didn't get talking about real business stuff.
I got the financials today for our YouTube channel.
I only made $95,000 last year.
- You and Dank made $95,000? - Each.
[COUGHING]
[BOTH] Fuck.
Are you telling me Fuckstick Incorporated
made almost 200 grand last year?
That's the YouTube income. There's also merchandise,
endorsements, corporate gigs.
Oh, and by the way, technical point, it's actually Fuckstick LLC.
Hey, Dabby. Uh, you mind if I ask you
a couple questions about your business?
Are you a cop? 'Cause if you are, you have to say so.
I just want your help.
Sounds good. I'm Dabby.
Oh, my God. This is all I wanted.
- One woman helping another. - [DANK] Boo, we gotta go.
Those guys are five minutes away from fucking each other.
So, what's up?
We need to talk.
- About us. - Oh, my God, no.
This isn't happening.
Mary Jane, you're a great goddess.
Hey, we've had a good time, but this isn't working.
Pete, please, I swear, you can change.
No, no, no.
You deserve to be with someone more like you, someone fictional.
- Like maybe Aquaman. - Aquaman? He swims for the other team.
Look, you and me, we're done.
I see.
I guess that's it, then.
Thank you for your honesty.
Wasn't so bad.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
This could be a coincidence.
From the root of the stalk To the tip of the bud
When it comes to growing Your name shall be mud!
Oh, no. Spooky rhyming.
You will never grow good marijuana again.
I curse you for all eternity.
[CACKLING]
Boy, that kid's got a vivid interior life.
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm way up in the sky ♪
♪ The world seems light ♪ ♪ And I'm so right ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
♪ I'm gonna put my nickel ♪ ♪ In a slot machine ♪
♪ And play my solid sender ♪
♪ I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm on bender ♪
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm sailin' in the sky ♪
♪ I got my roach around ♪ ♪ I can't come down ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -